Friday, October 20, 2006

With My Best Cow Stare On.

The above is Keeley Hazell. It's nearly impossible to find a picture of her with her top on, which is one of her finest qualities. The other two are obvious. Sadly, this is a family site or more importantly, a site people look at while they're supposed to be working, so I dug up this gem. Trust me, you'll need it cause Inside the Bowels of Hell is a horrible show. Enjoy.

Welcome to what seems like the umpteenth installment of Oh My God I can’t Believe I’m Watching This Shit Again. I hope I don’t let you down, but for the life of me I have no idea what happened on the show this week. Honestly, I was there. It was on. I was ridiculously sober, and almost nothing on the program permeated my skull. Fortunately, I have almost two whole years of college under my belt. So I’m proficient at taking notes on stuff I’m not paying attention to.

Apparently, we start out with the big Denny Green freak out. You’ve all seen it. You know, “The Bears are who we thought they were,” and all that jazz. Apparently they thought the Bears were a team that could humiliate them on national television. Danny loves the fire from Greeny (I call him Greeny cause we’re tight), and of course he would. Dan loudly blamed anyone in his field of vision for things that went wrong when he played. Collinsworth, obviously forgetting that Zona takes on the Raiders this Sunday, says the Cards aren’t good enough to beat anybody. Then they show the highlights and all I know is that I don’t seem to recall quite as much Superbowl Shuffle II talk this week as there was last week. Hmm.

Philly @ NO
If you would have told me before the start of the season that Drew Brees would be engineering two key 4th quarter drives to beat the Eagles, I would have been looking for Ashton Kutcher to jump out of the bushes. At which time I would have punched him in the face. See you in the Superbowl, Feel Good Story Of The Century. Ah, but I’m the only one who thinks so. Dan and Worthless think that while Brees gives Collinsworth a woody, the Saints likely won’t go far in the playoffs. It’s like these guys have never seen Ladybugs, Green Machine or even Little Giants.

Now comes the ultimate in stupid questions. Was it a mistake for the Dolphins to take Culpepper over Brees this offseason. You can make a million arguments either way, but the bottom line is yes, it was a mistake. Perhaps this will teach teams to leap into the future and scope things out before making such important decisions. Too bad it seems that no one has the time these days. Sigh.

vaGiants @ Falcons
Patrick Kerney is miked up. Whoever that is. I think he’s a defensive end, but he appears to be white, so I can’t tell for sure. Anyway all he does is grunt and groan a lot, with one jab at Eli that he totally apologizes for after the game and I’m thinking this guy is a sissy and the Falcons won’t even sniff the playoffs this year. A side note here, if you watch this, and I pray you don’t, notice that during the Vick and Co. clips NFL Films blasts some Flight of the Valkries meets Superman music, while as soon as they go to the Giants portion of the film, you’d think that ShEli was Darth Vader. Not that I’m complaining but ShEli as Vader? Well, he couldn’t be worse than Hayden Christiansen. That’s the last compliment you ever get, Manning.

Get ready, cause here’s the part where Cris Carter goes one on one with the Vickmeister. It’s awesome. I mean it, it’s the awesomest. That’s what my notes say anyway. The best part, by far is Carter narrating Vick highlights, very obviously writing his own copy. Not only does he narrate like a high school football star reciting Shakespeare, he throws in superfluous words like “basically.” Can you imagine Facenda saying, “blah blah blah, basically encouraging him to run…blah, blah, blah.” Okay, you had to be there, but I assure you it was probably funny. Anyway, Vick wants to throw more, and I can name at least 31 other teams that also want Vick to throw more. He also puts himself in the same category as Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and Donovan McNabb. I can’t even take notes when I’m rolling on the floor so I missed the rest. I do, vaguely remember something about how he daydreams about what he could do on a team like the Colts and I’m pretty sure Vick is a very popular guy in the Atlanta locker room right now.

Seattle @ St.Louis
How come nobody’s talking about this choke job? I swear I saw Hasslebeck running play action. To who?! Shaun Alexander’s not even playing right now. But, the Rams bite and that’s that. Finally, we can go back to realizing that the Hawks are going to win the Superbowl. Write it down.

Here comes Peter King, and I swear I don’t know why they trot this guy out there every week, because he has yet to say anything that anybody who pays any amount of attention to sports doesn’t already know. This weeks highlights include:

*The Department of Homeland Security says the bomb threats on NFL stadiums bare no credence.

*Tiki Barber is going to retire after this year and go into broadcasting, unless he changes his mind.

*Brian Billick and Jim Fassel were really good friends, but probably aren’t anymore since Billick threw Fassel under the bus, then actually drove the bus over him again and again.

*Moss was not traded.

*Marcus Vick has been activated (Side note here is that everybody thinks this is a big deal. I, personally think it might sell tix, but this guy is going to be such a non-factor.)

*Shaun Rogers was suspended for four games for taking a diet pill cause he’s a fat bastard and the world hates fat bastards.

Seriously, INFL, why not just go to commercial?

Dallas @ Houston
And here’s your SIS. You know you want it. This week it’s the big face-off between two rich Texan dickheads. Jerry Jones and Bob McNair. Jerry Jones starts out by saying he’s only ever teared up after two games in his life. The first one was some NFC championship game against the Niners, back when the NFC Championship was actually the Superbowl. The other was when the Cowboys lost their first game ever against the New Oilers. I say bullshit. Jones could not have possibly teared up after the second game, because by that time he had had so much work done on his mug that he no longer had tear ducts. Bob McNair brought Bush Sr. to this game as some kind of good luck charm, and the Texans got murdered, while simultaneously jerking off TOs ego. Next time get Clinton. There’s never been a luckier president.

Tennessee @ Washington
What the hell happened to Washington’s D this year? Let the Jason Campbell era begin, cause the Skins ain’t getting back into this thing. Sorry Brunell, but that’s what you get for making everybody look stupid by saying you were the next Steve Young.

The Round Table bats around the NFC East a bit and Marino, true to form, doesn’t appear to actually pick a winner. Carter picks the Eagles because of McNabb, and even though he’s right, I’m beginning to think Cris is the quiet Steven A. Smith. Collinsworth likes the Cowboys, because he inexplicably thinks TO is going to behave himself for the rest of the season. Apparently he missed the part where TO was upset that he got his three TDs in the second half. What a team player!

Dolphins @ Jets
Harrington is better than Culpepper, but not better enough. Don’t look now, but the Jets are 3-3 with their sights on that coveted best team not to make the playoffs trophy. Sorry boys, somebody in the AFC North might have something top say about that.

Retard Face-Off! Is that insensitive?
Are the Colts the best team in the NFL now that they picked up Booger McFarland from the Bucs? A lot of you probably think I’m going to jump all over the name Booger, but that would be childish. The fact is, Booger is as fine a defensive lineman as there has been in the league since John “Poopy” Parella. Anyway, Marino says the Colts would be the best if it weren’t for a little team called the freaking Chargers, and his cookie is in the mail. Carter says Denver and you don’t even want to know what’s coming Fed Ex for that guy.
Both Dan and Ass Hole Face say that Jason Campbell and Jay Cutler should stay on the bench because their teams are still in it, yet inexplicably Carter says he would put Romo in for Bledsoe right now. I guess in Carter’s world the Cowboys are out, but the Redskins, comin off a loss to the Titans mind you, are still very much in the thick of things. Go figure.
Is Holt the best receiver? Nope. It’s Marvin Harrison.
Because of the Troy Pupunu hair tackle, Chris asks the Dynamic Duo what the strangest tackle they remember was. Dan says the late Lyle Alzado threatened to make out with him. I guess Dan learned his lesson with the Daryll Talley thing. Don’t mess with the living. Carter, totally missing the tone of the question, recalls the time he blew out his hip flexor. I bet that was funny.

Picks? All but Costas take Carolina over Cincinnati and that is honestly the only interesting game they picked because the others are obvious blowouts.

There. We’re done. That wasn’t so painful, was it? There wasn't even a tear jerker of the week, praise Jesus! See you again next week, that’s a promise and a threat.

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