The Cut.

This week it’s parents. That’s right all you breeders and would-be baby makers, you’re becoming a scourge. It’s about time someone called you out on your shit. As I seem to have gotten rather old over the last dozen years or so, people are more and more often asking me if I ever intend to settle down and raise a family. My standard reply has become, “Why do I need children? I already feel as though the entire world should revolve around my every whim.”

In a world where politicians go on and on about the lack of family values and old world parenting, it amazes me how much actual over-parenting we have in the U.S. Now, I could bitch for days about the kind of super protective folks that worry to much about the psychological ramifications of a game of tag or whether their child is too retarded to get their dome out of the way of a speeding tetherball, but you know I really want to talk about this douche bag who pulled a gun out at a pop-warner football game. Effing Sports parents.

Sports parenting has been a problem for a long time, at least since the original Bad News Bears came out, but it has reached epic levels of Oh My God Are You Fucking Serious He Killed That Guy? You know, the one where the two hockey dads got into it resulting with one of them getting his head bounced off of the floor of the Family Fun Center until it stopped going? Instead of showing parents that maybe it’s time to step back and take a look at the way they are approaching youth sports, this little incident merely escalated the battle. Why? Because the dead dad was about one third the size of the other guy. Depending on which account you believe, little dad was actually getting in the face of big dad, basically daring him to assert his extra 200 lbs. on the situation. Now, I understand the importance of looking strong and macho in front of your kids, but you may want to think about how macho you’ll look in a coma or a casket. It’s just a sad fact of life that some people grow up big, and others grow up less big. Being a smallish dude myself, I’m more than aware that if The Rock wants my lunch money, I’m gonna ultimately have to give it up to him. I’m certainly not going to intimidate him. I mean, I’m not a total wuss, I’ll argue with him right up until about the time I can tell he’s going to KILL me. Then I shall succumb, and I don’t think most people would fault me. Except women, but if you honestly live your life the way women think you should, you are probably already dead and reading this from the grave. The point really is, though, that if you want to show your kid what it is to be a man, show them how to walk away from an unwinnable situation. Show them how to pick smart battles, and most importantly, to use their mind before resorting to brawn, because nobody needs to get hurt over a game. You know, except the players, cause sports are brutal.

This all brings us to the guy who pulled a gun on his kid’s football coach because he felt the kid wasn’t getting enough playing time. No, it wasn’t Archie Manning, this was a football game for 6 and 7 year-olds. This guy apparently learned an entirely different lesson from the hockey dads. What he took away from that story was, “You might get into a youth sports altercation with someone bigger than you, so you better arm yourself to better get your point across.” I blame video games. Just kidding, I blame professional sports and the lottery that they’ve become. With the inflated salaries of the NFL, NBA and MLB you might have hit the jackpot if your kid has a rocket arm or is freakishly tall. You ask any parent out there if they think pro salaries are too high, and they’ll tell you it’s true, right up until their kid hits his first home run, or throws his first touchdown. Everybody loves their kids, but parents are living a bit too vicariously through them these days. Soccer Moms and Football Dads are the new Stage Mothers. Overbearing, in your face. They don’t have enough time to actually be the coach, but they can show up each week and question the parent who does. Teaching kids to question the authority of their coaches in youth sports is the first step in breaking down the respect for authority everywhere. It’s telling your kid that kicking and screaming will get them their way. It’s what leads to a drama queen like TO, or worse, morally corrupt young men like the ones who play for Cincinnati and San Diego. There are so many amazing lessons that’s sports can teach your children if you’ll let them. So, try and step back and enjoy the show, because there are worse things than having to show your child how to be a gracious loser.