The Roundup...

It has been two steady weeks without posts so I figured I'd chime in and explain why there has been such inactivity. First, the Dolphins game. As you are aware, the game was blacked out and right now I'll be damned if I'm dropping $100+ to go watch Norv Turner and his merry band of assholery. No thanks. The radio and I argued and yelled at each other over a few beers and low and behold, Chargers beat the Dolphins and we're 3-1. Not even I can be critical of a performance I wasn't able to watch with my eyeparts so while the score wasn't 189-2 like I wanted, I half expected to lose that game. Since we didn't, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Yay us.

This past weekend saw me uttering some expletives early in the game at both the Donkey fans and their stupid crowd, as well as during the early flailing shenanigans that Ol' Laserface put forth. Donating six points early to the Donks wasn't that big a deal as it turned out, however, I'm still longing for Laserface to start firing lasers all over the field. I think the spike in the end zone after his rushing touchdown (?) was the best throw of the day, outside of the late 2nd quarter bomb to #80. I hear people calling him M80, and yeah, I get it, but let's be real, the name on the back of his jersey should say, "Fragile". I think that's Italian. That's being far too nice as far as I'm concerned.

The thing that's most intriguing to me is how no one seems to be getting behind this team. All around the media, save the PR Crew on staff at the Tribune under A.J.'s watch, most are dismissing our now 4-1 record. Which to some degree I get. So, allow me to play optimist for a moment and don't fucking get used to this, but let's look at some positives shall we? Bullet points: LUDICROUS SPEED! GO!

*Rivers hasn't been Rivers quite yet. I'm confident he gets there. Whether its the injuries to Jackson, Gates and Fragile that are causing him to throw mostly behind his receivers on everything but the deep ball I can't confirm, but I'm sure it has something to do with his interception total at this point in the season. And, don't start getting all excited about Gates. There is a major problem there that isn't going away anytime soon, if ever.

*Defensively we've been "eh". Denver sort of kind of climbed their way back into the game late on Jesus' watch. The run defense has been just short of abysmal, but, they are getting it done enough to tally wins, in spite of the multitude of injuries. For the last umpteenth years under Norv at this point in the season we've been bitching about our record, so you can all get fucked for complaining. We're not 2-3 or 2-5, so say what you want about our competition, but we're beating them. You can't complain about not being 2-3.

*The running game has been surprisingly impressive. In spite of Norv's lack of understanding of drawing up running plays, Tolbert and China Doll have been relatively effective. China Doll had himself a heck of a day before straining his calf (FUCKING STAY HEALTHY YOU COCKFINGERER!), and both have been very useful catching the ball out of the backfield. I'll also guarantee that they don't fumble during the bye week and that will make two weeks in a row! (Might not have fumbled in Miami game, couldn't see it, buy me tickets if you want accuracy)

*Only one special teams return touchdown given up on the year. PROBLEM FUCKING SOLVED!

*Tough to ignore that Nick Novak is filling in quite nicely for the much maligned kicker in town. I'm not overly critical of our incumbent nancy boy kicker, but the reactionary nature of this sports town might call for Nate's head come the offseason if this continues.

While I'll go as far as to say I'm not sold on this team yet, it is still early. Some say that due to the lockout, the preseason was rather abbreviated and that we'll start finding our way shortly as we've gotten a bit more regular playing time for the guys. While I can't discount that, it also needs to be noted that this is much the same crew that took the field last year. The "big" free agent signings took place on the defensive side of the ball so I'm a bit curious as to why the offense is so out of sync. I'm blaming injuries and Norv and global warming, but I think they get it together. And, let's be real, they better get it together, the schedule after the bye gets a bit more difficult than the Chiefs, Vikings, Broncos and Dolphins, and the Raiders appear at least on the surface to be slightly for real.

So, I'll be enjoying the bye week, knowing full well I've been swearing far less than normal under Norv Turner led football teams, but I'm reserving the right to brandish wildly my more polished expletive skills I honed during the lockout.

Go Bolts. Go Bye Week. Go Cheerleaders doing splits.

Let's Just Go Ahead and Forget All of That...

Since we are getting all apologetic here let me join the fray and sincerely request all 5 readers forgiveness for leaving that shameless display of pandering to the least common denominator and not pushing it further down the blog. Geez Max, let me know when you're going to do something like that in the future so I can do my best to talk you out of that.

Apology be damned, I'll say what you didn't but truly wanted to. That defense last year was a sham. I've seen more sincerity coming from Solyndra executives in the last week than the content of that catharsis. Perhaps you should have filmed that in burnt umber. Really, top tier number one ranked defense in 2010? We don't need to revisit the fact that not allowing a lot of yardage in short field situations is not a true measure of a defense apparently. Not to over complicate things, but number one ranked defenses typically make the playoffs, have their shitty USC alumni quarterback "win" three games on the road and go on to bigger and better championship type things. Meanwhile, our number one defense managed not to improve, managed to get even older, more overpaid, and still can't stop being humiliated by elite teams in this league. Max, take your apology back and film a new one with your middle finger extended all the way.

I wish that I shared the same sentiment that Max does with regard to this year and the Super of all Bowls, however, it is times like last Sunday that just break me down just enough to require a bit more proof. Quite frankly, that's when I really get all scramble fucked in the brain because I realize I'm relying on the likes of Norv Turner and his happy band of bumblefucks to restore my confidence in what on the surface appears, yet again, to be a Super Bowl caliber team. It still to this day amazes me that failure is the only option on the big stage.

I had a bit of concern with New England last week and rightfully so. They are an elite team, although there has been a blueprint as to defeating the mighty foe, not unlike the one the Chargers built for the rest of the league to borrow against the Colts. I thought someone, say, Norv Turner may have relayed said blueprint to Manusky, and perhaps he did. However, like we've seen in the past, Manusky must have taken Cason, Weddle, and Tolbert out for a heavy dose of Tecate, tequila and hours at Atalita's because those four were obviously well above the legal limit come game time. There's no other way to explain all of their gaffes.

So I won't hit the panic button. Not yet. It is after all only week three. Kansas City appears poised to wrestle the records of futility away from history's worst performers angling obviously for Andrew Luck, unloading the albatross that is Matt Cassel's contract, and getting Todd Haley axe murdered. Lord knows what he did to those guys but it is pretty clear his players would rather see a polar bear rape him that to play one more down for the guy. That of course leads us to Denver. I won't waste a lot of words on how pathetic this organization has become and how fast and far their fall from grace has been and how it is showing absolutely zero signs of recovery whatsoever. The global economy has a better chance of winning the Super Bowl. I've seen revolutionaries in the middle east treated better by their government that the fans are treating Kyle Orton. They might actually be a .500 team if all of their games were on the road. That leaves us Oakland and really, if we can't beat Oakland, then once again we deserve to sit at home or go hang out in PB and start fights at Bar West during the playoffs.

I only wish that at some point, the organization and the coaches and the players would figure out that to be considered a Super Bowl team among the media and the league elite, you actually sometime need to beat the league elite. I'm a bit tired of this rouse that we're the most talented team around only to continue our losing ways against the Jets, Steelers and Patriots. Norv told the media this week that we were very close to winning that game, if it weren't for those pesky four turnovers. Look at our record when we lose the turnover battle. For that matter, just look at how many times we've turned the ball over versus how many times we've taken it back. Wait, don't do that, it'll only depress you. Look at this instead...



Until we start playing actual real NFL quality football, instead of running around poorly fucking the football, people like Kevin Acee and Nick Canepa can stop telling me we're going to win the Super Bowl. Fucking prove it. Destroy Kansas City's face and get their coach fired, give it to Denver prison style and try not to dump to a Dolphin squad that is just the prototypical team where we'll diarrhea all over ourselves after a night of drinking. Go into the bye week 4-1 and get ready to play the tough part of the schedule. I just don't actually believe that any of the coaches take this as seriously as we do.

I'd actually love to celebrate a Super Bowl some time in my life. Preferably before the team packs up their dysfunctional shit, gets a coach I actually like and pleases all those dipshit Laker fuckers by winning the Lombardi Trophy in fucking Los Angeles. That will be the death blow. Since we've begun the trend of videotaping and posting the results, should that nightmare scenario occur, I'll post an HD video of my head exploding if I see a guy in a Kobe Bryant jersey cheering for the Chargers with confetti falling from the rooftop and a Spanos holding the trophy on high. Good good, I'd rather die on a derailed high speed rail car to nowhere.

Mmmm...That's Good Crow!

And yes, I said this is our year because I am totally on the team.

Lazy Content

Now that the football season is back in full free agency force, it's time to start getting this blog going again, and what could be a lazier way to add content than to share with you the back and forth my cohort and I have been having since the Chargers attacked the free agency monster with absurd amounts of money? Nothing, that's what. So enjoy!

CJ: http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/2011/jul/27/weddle-and-chargers-agree/

MC: I believe i called that.

CJ: I believe you’re right.

MC: Holy crud, how did I miss this line from Acee's article the first time?

Moreover, he has been in position for several more game-changing plays that the Chargers expect him to actually make in the future.

CJ: Because you were too far gone by the time you saw 5 years $40 Million.

MC: Too many people are loving this move. I already hate our team and our fans again.

CJ: Join the club, though I don’t think I stopped hating them.


MC: I fixed our blog.

CJ: Yes you did. Nice work.


CJ: This is a plus I guess. I should drop more interceptions.

To Chargers’ head coach Norv Turner, the main thing separating Weddle from more pervasive acclaim is that, “He probably dropped about six interceptions last year.”

MC: Norv was also in heavy excuse mode, already harping on how far behind the team would be due to the lockout. Y'know, as if no other team was behind. Get ready for another 2-5 start.

CJ: Rumor has it Malcolm Floyd to the Vikes.

MC: Well, Floyd leaving is bitter sweet. Great talent, but what are you going to do with a guy who's guaranteed to miss 6 games a season?

CJ: Pay him $32MM?

MC: Well, yes. You could do that I suppose.

CJ: I’m actually surprised they didn’t trade Jackson and sign Floyd to the money Jackson wants. That would be a total AJ move… oh I meant surprised yet. Yet.

MC: Not to beat a dead horse here, but about that Weddle thing. Every sports writer claims that 6 or 7 other teams were highly interested in getting him. Is any of that substantiated at all?

CJ: Does that even matter? If the whole world was looking for him it doesn’t change the fact they overpaid at both the draft to get him and the now free agent contract. Just because there are a “lot of suitors” (cough! Haynesworth/Redskins cough!) doesn’t make it smart.

MC: I agree 100%, but the implication is that there is no way we could allow Weddle to test the free agent market, and I'm calling bull**** on that until I here from some other exec say that they are devastated that we resigned Weddle at such a bargain.

Also, Norv said Weddle has great range. I wonder if that's Khalil Greene-like range?

CJ: Yeah, I’m pretty sure that most execs are wiping their brow right now laughing and saying, “it took what to get him? Forget that noise.”

Oh, and what’s a Khalil Green.

MC: You know how you can tell the Chargers have fallen out of relevance? Because no one in the mainstream media is even talking about the Weddle deal.

CJ: I was just about to say that I’m waiting on the inevitable, Chargers going to win the super bowl talk at any moment. Here it comes. Any minute now. Duck.

MC: We're building a team of great character with no shortage of upstanding community members. We can't help but win a Superbowl. A lot of people don't know that Eric Weddle immediately turned over his signing bonus to the new downtown library fund.

On a completely related note, do you think Philip Rivers is at all a likable person in real life?

Antonio Gates drives a schoolbus full of crippled children to the Boy Scout Jamboree each year.

CJ: I picture PR as the character he plays at KSK. Exactly. EXACTLY. I will not be swayed from that position either. No matter how many crippled kids he puts in a school bus. I imagine him swearing at them the whole way.

MC: Yes, he is Marmalard. No question.

So, Fox Sports reports that Weddle decided to sign with the Chargers after testing the free agent market. When? Between 8:00 - 10:00 yesterday morning? I don't think reading Acee's column counts as testing the market.

CJ: Here’s how it went down:

Weddle: “Mr. Smith? I’m thinking about testing the free agent market. What do you think?”

AJ: “I’ll give you $40 million over 5 years.”

Weddle: “Thanks Mr. Smith, while I’ve had many offers in my 2 minute period testing free agency, your offer is a bit under the market value that Kevin Acee set for me but I accept. Can you just write that on this cocktail napkin so I can SIGN RIGHT NOW?”

The other thing I thought was funny was I guess Ryan Clark of the Steelers tweeted out that the Steelers paid that much for him and Polamalu so there’s that…

Sullivan this morning said it was because he made more tackles than all the safeties last year. I still don’t think it’s a good thing when your safety leads the team/league in tackles. Those tackles are typically at least 8 yards down the field, but tackles are tackles I guess.

MC: Isn't it funny how Donnie Edwards got so much grief for tackling guys 4 yards down the field and Weddle gets kudos for it?

And my point was, the mainstream media is so uninterested in what AJ and the Chargers do that the one guy who even bothered to write about it merely looked over the local press clippings and said, "Hmm. Seems plausible. Job done. Happy hour awaits!"

CJ: I think it speaks more to your, “find me an exec who…” theory. I’m not quite sure anyone knows who Eric Weddle is so the only news is that he signed such a large contract for a safety.

The prevailing attitude really should be one of “whatever/whoever that guy is”. I’d look to the media to ramp up once the season starts and Norv is performing like norv

MC: You know what's fun?

Going back and watching Shonn Greene run over Eric Weddle like he's a grade schooler and then thinking how funny it is that that play basically cost Cromartie his job and his credibility in this town, while Eric Weddle went on to get a $40 million dollar contract. Also notable on the play is that Steve Gregory kind of just spins around in a circle like some electric football player and he's on the team even after using PEDs. Our team is awesome.

CJ: AJ is so raycess!

CJ: But seriously, could AJ be a super closet racist? Or is does his hatred know no bounds?

I guess that play with Shonn Greene must really be looked at with rose colored glasses. Sure, it cost Cro his job, but Weddle certainly didn’t make a play and as Sullivan stated this morning, he’s known for his tackling and got paid $40 million accordingly. What are they saying there? Well, that’s totally Cro’s play so Weddle is off the hook for missing only what could be the most important tackle of his career. I guess it’s good he missed. Can you imagine the contract he’d have gotten if he’d actually tackled that guy…

What about the contract Jackson might have gotten if he didn’t kick that challenge flag? Wait, he’s not a lily white boy.

MC: Closet racist?

CJ: I meant to say supercollossal racist. Stupid autocorrect.


Isn't football grand?!

Eric Weddle Could Even Make the Pro Bowl One Day!

The Chargers just signed Eric Weddle to a 5 year $40 million contract with something like $19 million guaranteed. All that's left now is for him to earn it. This shouldn't be surprising considering AJ had Acee blowing up Weddle's street value for a bout a month before the lockout just to prepare us all for the inevitable inflated contract offer. What I have a hard time reconciling with is that if you are prepared to pay $40 million, why not at least let the guy test the free market? He's already expressed his love for the town and the team, and nobody was going to get near that price on him. Honestly, it's like AJ is still trying to piss off Shawne Merriman.

Oh, and in case you didn't catch it, another highly overpaid Chargers player-one game wonder and sometimes serviceable roster spot filler-Jyles Tucker has been released. Look out, Merriman, he's coming to Buffalo to steal your job.

Can somebody please explain to me again why this organization was so bent on not paying Vincent Jackson last year? Not mediocre enough?

Update: How did I miss this line from Acee's article?

Moreover, he has been in position for several more game-changing plays that the Chargers expect him to actually make in the future.

'Disaster Averted' or 'Go to Hell Nick Canepa'

First off, let's get the good news out of the way Jay Cutler dragged his pussy off the field yesterday and let us all off the hook. No ring for Cutler. The world is safe for democracy. Seriously, though, can you believe the gash on this guy? 'Canyonesque' is the term CJ coined yesterday and it is apt my friends. Reports today defend the seriousness of Jay Cutler's injury, but I'm sorry, if you're walking around on the sideline while Todd Collins and some guy named Hanie are trying to save your season, you better prepared for some scrutiny. And by scrutiny I mean Brian Urklacher holds you down while Julius Peppers removes your head. What really killed the Bears, though, was the strange fact that Todd Collins was allowed to take the field. That guy wasted two good field positions before doing the right thing and following Cutler to the bench. Apparently, the Packers are a shade better than the Carolina Panthers. Seriously though, Cutler, if you're going to stand there on the sideline determined to prove that your teams fluky season was a farce, at least have the decency to grab a crutch or a cheerleader and pretend you can't walk around without assistance.

And speaking of standing around on the sidelines during playoff games, our good friend Nick Canepa had this to say in his column today:

"And LaDainian Tomlinson will be watching. Again. Pledging allegiance to another franchise didn’t help his own personal elevator reach the level he’s long been seeking. But he did absolutely nothing to so much as push a button in Pittsburgh. He remains a playoff also-ran, be it on the left or the right coast."

Jesus Christ, Nick. That's rough. Did LT screw your wife and run over your dog on the way out of town? I mean, what has the guy really done to incur this sort of wrath? He was openly upset with the way he was treated by a management team that is pretty well known to treat everyone like shit and he has praised an organization that has been dedicated to winning and appears to stand behind it's players. What a dick. In Canepa's defense, this column was obviously bought and paid for if not actually penned by Dean and AJ. So, again I ask you, how can you even root for this petty bunch of bullies? How can you look beyond them and continue to enjoy Chargers football? I just don't know if I can anymore.

Quick parting shots:

1) Green Bay gets the award for least unlikable team to be in the Superbowl since the Carolina Panthers. I just wish I actually, you know, liked them.

2) The Steelers get the award for team I am so sick of I can't even stand it. I just wish I actually, you know, hated them. Here comes the apathy bowl!

3) In case you missed it earlier, Jay Cutler's vagina is canyonesque! That's gold, CJ.

I'm More Than Worried

I kind of bowed out last weekas far as this blog goes due to the fact that it really hit me that any good that can come from football has passed me by this year. I mean, I'm happy to have seen the Patriots continue their recent tradition of post season chokery, but it's not enough to truly lessen the sting of that fact that my season is over and I hate my team. Anyway, here's what I think about these playoffs now.

I should have put money on the Jets last week. I had been telling anybody who'd listen that I expected the Patriots to choke in that game, but it doesn't amount to a hill of beans if I'm not willing to put my money where my mouth is, and I wasn't. I might as well be Keyshawn. Still, it was nice to see them lose, even if it was to the Jets. By the way, Sports Media, you can't praise Bill Belichek for jettisoning Randy Moss and rave about the unstoppable Pats offense, then turn around and condemn them for not having a Randy Moss 'type' when that unstoppable O gets stopped. You guys are terrible. have a fucking conviction. They just got beat. It fucking happens.

I can't watch the Steelers win another Superbowl, so I'm still fully on the Tomlinson bandwagon. As far as people who have a beef with the Chargers go, we could do a lot worse than LT getting his ring. And by that I mean this...

Because everything in the world is about me, and the universe likes to rub my nose in shit at every turn these days, I have zero doubt in my mind that Jay Cutler will win the Superbowl. No doubt. For some weird reason no one is giving these guys a chance today, but that's just as silly as no one giving the Jets a chance last week. Yeah, I know that I spent the whole season calling bullshit on the Bears, but guess who was only slightly behind them in bullshit? Yep, the Packers. Still no running game. I think the Bears are going to kill Aaron Rodgers. Believe me, I don't want it to happen. Green Bay is eminently likable as a team and would make a seemingly fine and upstanding Champion, but how would that piss me off? That's all the universe is concerned with, really. Bears 27, Packers 23

I think the Jets can beat the Steelers. The Jets are far more dynamic and every bit as capable of being a stifling defense. For some reason, though, nobody seems to want to beat these impossibly boring Steelers this year. They don't even know how they got here. But I'm going with my heart here. Go TBE!!! Jets 20, Steelers 16

If this pans out as I've predicted, this year's Superbowl could end up being the ultimate battle between good and evil. Cutler vs. Tomlinson. The AFC West will never have been so strongly represented. I actually want to see that! Which, of course, means there's no way. Oh well. Go Playoffs!!!