Sunday, September 28, 2008

It's Raider Week? Who knew?

Sad to say that yet again this week has flown under the radar. Yes, it's Raider week. And no, it means nothing. Again. It's sad that this historically tremendous rivalry has been rendered about as relevant as John Bobbitt's porn career.

Maybe we'll be the catalyst that will finally send the Al the cryptkeeper all the way off of the ledge and he'll make good on his threats to actually fire the best coach he's hired in the last 5 years. Please allow this to happen. As much as I loved the rivalry and the near stabbings while attending the Murph during these clashes, I can't say that I don't take particular enjoyment from their despair. Schadenfreude some call it. I think that's a stupid, overused buzzword, like 'uber'.

I heard this morning that Jay Cutler is the hottest AFC quarterback. He also nearly quit football but thankfully, his career has been rejuvenated. How that makes any sense is beyond me. Thank you ESPN for this manufactured story and slight oversight of our own. It seems Phil has been putting up spectacular numbers, but hey, he doesn't have diabetes and he didn't want to take his ball and insulin and go home so he's not a marketable asset. And to all of you who think that Phil jawing at Cutler last year was the trigger for 'karma' or 'kharma' (depending on which hippie joint you smoke) to intervene and possess Ed Hercules for that fleeting moment when he lost his mind, I've got something to say to you. You are fucking idiots. Stop being so fucking stupid in front of the whole world.

Confidence be damned here's the bold pick of the week:

Chargers 48, Raiders 12. It shall come to fruition.

Get to Know Your Cheerleader

That's Summer. She's named after our favorite season. She likes dance, children and traveling to Mexico. She's also a dentist or some sort of teeth doctor. Translation: She's perfect.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

A Most Funnest Monday Nighter.

Ted Cotrell claimed he made no defensive changes because he is obviously some sort of compulsive liar. Even his players admitted they ran more blitzes, not that they had to admit that since I watched the game with working eyeballs.

Check out Canepa's surprisingly critical take on the game. I have to admit that I haven't seen our special teams pull that kind of special suck in quite some time, but the defense is still getting a lot of heat today. Yeah, 29 points is a lot but about half of those belong to Rivers' first pass and a 94 yard Kick return. And as much as I hate prevent, when you up three scores in the fourth I don't mind terribly giving up the underneath. It takes forever to score like that and those guys couldn't stop us all night without on onside kick, so let's cut the D some slack.

As for Tomlinson being out there injured late in the game, I hate to say it, but it sure seems as though he's less injured when he's happy and we're winning. Still, if that's what it takes to jumpstart him, I'll start dusting off the TBE label and get it ready to go for next week in Oakland.

Solid showing in a game we should have won by about that much. Go Bolts!!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

What's So Scary About Old People?

Brett Favre is an old man. Older even than me, and those of you who know me know that's pretty damn old. Are you scared of old people? Didn't think so. Check it out. Old:

Not scary. Young:

I am paralyzed with fear.

Sure, Favre carved us up last year with Green Bay-wait! Favre carve? That's funny to say. Say it out loud-no! Say "carve Favre." That's better. Say that. It's more funner to say. Try this, say "After Shaun Phillips sacks Favre, surgeons will half to carve Favre open to replace his hip with something more fiber glassy." Not that I wish injury on anybody, but old people break their hips and that is just a fact so deal with it. Anyway, as I was saying, I know Favre picked apart a defense of ours that looks very similar to what we've been running for whatever reason lately, but that Green Bay team was decidedly better than this Jets cast. So, that's what I think anyway. We must and will destroy the Jets. With surface to air missiles if necessary. The score should be around 34-9 I'm thinking. My Fantasy Football team depends on it! My Reality Football team depends on it! For crying out loud, Go Bolts!!!

Friday, September 19, 2008

So Here's A Fucking Question.

Do I like this song, or is it that my feeble mind ties it to the killer feelings the video gives me in my loinal regions?

Oh, right, football.

Ugh, if the Chargers lose Monday night I'm going to have to put on my pissed off hat. I imagine CJ will also have to dust off his pissed off hat, which is not the same as his apathy hat. The apathy hat is the one he wore all last year. The pissed off hat is the one he wore after the Patriots removed us from the playoffs two years ago. My pissed off hat is the one Philip Rivers made me wear early last season, but I don't take it out very often these days. If you go back in the archives you'll notice that we both used to predominantly wear our pissed off hats together and that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It's my opinion that some of the best writing from both of us comes from under pissed off hats. As the Chargers flounder, the entertainment value and quality of our critique soars. Conundrum. Maybe I'll just wear this hat.

If Ted Cotrell doesn't start blitzing the quarterback I'm going to mail him some poo. Go Bolts!!!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Monday, September 15, 2008

For CJ, Who Could Use Some Cheer.

Megan Fox. In glasses. Merry Christmas.

That Was Rough.

Whoo, that did not sit well. I was ready to quit myself. Proclaimed it. Can't move on from something like that, I thought. Can't spend the season fighting the refs as well. Held my tongue for the most part all last week when I felt that Carolina's line held on nearly every play, including that last second game winner. This is different. Way different. What's to say, though? Done deal. A good team's season doesn't end at 0-2 and we're a good team. Well, we can be anyway, and I'll get to that.

The gambling theory is pretty cool. It sort of plays and it kind of let's us off the hook in a "what chance did we really have anyway" sort of way, but I'm not ready to throw Hochuli and Shanahan to Gamblers Anonymous. Sharks, maybe, but not GA. Mob jobs are rarely so intricately choreographed as that game. I'd blame the ghost of John Elway for the officiating as much as anything else. Denver wins home openers. The officials know it. The announcers know it. It's fucking destiny and that was our cross to bear. Shanahan going for two? Take a look at our D. Shanahan had to correctly figure that he had a slightly better chance of winning with two there than winning a coin toss. That wasn't a gutsy call, it was the right call.

What really chaps my hide is the lack of acknowledgment the initial calls received. Everybody's so busy justifying the justification for upholding the bad calls that no one is asking what these officials were looking at when they botched it in the first place. Bailey's interception? Horrible call, but all anybody talks about is the replay malfunction. Hochuli has been in the league forever and surely knows better than to blow that whistle in the fourth, yet the announcers and analysts are falling all over themselves to point out that Hochuli was right in not giving the ball to San Diego after his original goof. If Hochuli is officiating in the playoffs this season it will be a travesty, but it will happen because no one seems to be willing to point out that these officials were off their rocker yesterday.

One last thing on the Cutler fumble. Biased I may be here, but it seemed pretty clear to me the Hochuli did not blow the whistle until it was obvious that Dobbins was going to recover that ball instead of Cutler. Afraid to call a turnover in front of that crowd? That's what it looked like to me.

Couple other things:

1) Ted Cottrell is at it again. That game looked awfully reminiscent of last year's losses to Green Bay and KC. Teddy is expecting the secondary to cover for a solid 5-count on every play because he sure as hell isn't going to provide a pass rush like that. No movement. No disguise. No pass rush. It's not Shawne Merriman. He's missed, but that is not the reason that QBs have an eternity to pick us apart back there.

2) I will not be surprised if LT pulls a Barry Sanders after the season. I don't know if everybody questioning his heart and toughness after the AFC Championship last year is the reason, or if it's age, or bad play calling or whatever-but his head, heart and body do not appear to be in the game and that is a concern. Sproles looks great right now, but if he starts carrying a bigger load, teams are going to figure him out.

3) Philip Rivers and that offense are otherwise unbelievable right now. Who would have thought we'd be such a successful passing team. So much fun to watch. Too bad Rivers has a bogus INT on his stat sheet or he'd be perfect right now. Then they'd have to give him credit even if he did say mean things to that poor little diabetic boy who just loves football, Jay Cutler.

Fuck Jay Cutler, we're still winning this thing. Go Bolts!!!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The Fix...

What you just saw was a gambling fix. The NBA has had it perfected for a while. They actually finally busted a referee for fixing games as it was so obvious. Well, welcome the NFL to that corrupt realm.

You saw the game. You saw the garbage that went on. The replay booth doesn't work for Ed Hercules, but somehow, the 'upstairs' booth works with less than 2 minutes in the half and Brandon Marshall is in the end zone yet it needed to be reviewed. Chalk up a pick for Phil even though it wasn't a pick and if it was even remotely close to a turnover it would have been a fumble.

Needless to say that the Diabetic foible at the end was so clearly a fumble that I stated I'd quit football if they actually overturned that call. Turns out they did overturn it and now I'm obligated to quit.

And let's not forget that at game time, the Chargers were 1.5 point favorites. Think about that for a second. Shanahan went for two after the biggest lie that has ever been perpetrated by humanity. If he makes it, the Donks win by a point and anyone with the Donks wins money. If he misses, the Donks lose by a point and anyone with the Donks wins money. Overtime is nothing but his enemy, or well, anyone's enemy with money on the game. That was a fix. If you've never seen one before, welcome to the world of gambling. That was a fix. A game on the take.

I've got Hoculi's address and email. It's public if you google it. So go put a flaming bag of dog shit on his balcony and berate him verbally. I'm not advocating violence or shennanigans but he deserves to be blasted for so publicly revealing that he was on the take.

I QUIT. I Quit.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

An Open Letter...

Dear T.J. Simers,

After reading your finest effort to date. I have just one thing to say to you.

Mr. Simers:


No really. Suh-huck meye BALLS.

If there's anyone who is going to put together some mash up of ideas that make no sense whatsoever while at the same time being ultra critical of our town, it's me. Not you bullshitface. You have no right.

Now I'm not here to say that we are the greatest town in the world, for years our city council has been nothing more than a laugh riot of an institution. Bruce Henderson and the Mike Aguirre have been haunting this city for far too many ages now pandering their personal agendas over the good of the people. And recently thanks to a media fueled catastrophe the good mayor has instituted a drinking ban further squelching our rights as a people. Now, obviously, none of those things are ideal or even debatable in this town as your rights are only yours as long as the legislators would like you to keep them, but he who cries loud enough wins and well, the media does a lot of crying around here. But you sir, if you are going to come slinging that kind of talk about my town, it sure as shit better be more accurate than that crap you submitted today. What, were you out on a marathon drinking binge down here in the Hillcrest? Did you wake up with sore love handles, a limp and some chafing you were unaccustomed to? Cause that column reeked of desparation with deadlines looming and nothing constructive to write about. "San Diego is a town filled with Losers." Really? From an L.A. columnist? I've got to say, I've got some issues with this...Quotes first...

T.J. Simers
September 9, 2008

"DINKY TOWN DOWN SOUTH -- What a treat for the small-town losers in San Diego, the local yokels saddled with bad football and baseball teams again, but catching a break finally and getting a glimpse of the Los Angeles Dodgers as they move toward yet another World Series title."

Dinky town down south? Small town losers? Local yokels saddled with bad football? Really? Was recess to short today Mr. Simers? Did somebody steal your pudding cup and pour it on your head? Last time I checked, the Chargers were hardly 'bad' and well, the Dodgers had a 1.5 game lead over Arizona in what it widely considered the worst division in baseball. What's it been since the Dodgers won a World Series? 20 years? Yeah, I know, the Padres have never won a World Series. Yeah, good at pointing out the obvious aren't we? "You suck cause you've never won and we're better than you even though it's been 20 years since we won shit! Take that!"

"No autographs, please, the boys are busy preparing for the first round of the playoffs against the Cubs, which explains why they really couldn't take the Padres seriously."

Remember this in a minute when I come back to it... And yes, I know Merriman pulled the plug on the season, there's really nothing more to say about it. That's what everyone wanted anyway right?

"As for Chargers fans, they are trying to decide if life is worth living, a question they seemingly have to contemplate every year." "All together now: "San Diego Super Chargers! "We're coming your way, we're gonna dazzle you with our super play. The time has come" to apparently fall flat on our face masks once again.

If only the yokels had what it takes to make it up north, and enjoy what the Dodgers, Angels, Lakers and Trojans have to offer. But I guess somebody has to live down here."

Uh, T.J.? Life is worth living. And yes, although our history dictates that we may in fact fall on our face masks yet once again, we do (for the time being) have a team to root for. What professional team represents L.A.? The Galaxy? That's football right? And what is this, about not being able to make it up North? What, with the ultra cool folks like her Poshness? We've already discussed what the perennial playoff missing Dodgers have to offer, let alone the Lakers who have been a dysfunctional soap opera employing an 'alleged' rapist, who repeatedly attempted to dismantle the team and its upper management, while losing their last two trips to the NBA finals, most recently to the Celtics who mopped the floor with them. Trojans? Didn't they lose to Texas in the Rose Bowl the last time they played for the National Championship? I guess the measure of success according to you T.J. is to rest on your laurels of historical success and thrive in times when they hand out the second place trophy and claim that as accomplishment. Didn't Vince Young recently go crazy? Didn't the Trojans lose to a crazy person, who scored a 6 on the Wonderlic? Hmmm, interesting...oh, and the Angels are in Anaheim dude. Don't try to claim them as L.A. even though the marketing gurus are trying to sell that name by the letter...

"The Chargers have been picked by some experts to win the Super Bowl, but the Spanos Goofs and their band of heartbreakers regularly fall shy of expectations, which might explain why the team was the only one unable to sell out the opener -- a TV station buying tickets so the game could be shown here locally."

As a result, everyone down here got the chance to watch their heroes fold, Carolina scoring on the last play, and the Chargers sport a worse winning percentage than the Padres, who are 32 games below. 500.

San Diego Super Chargers!"

This kind of professional journalism is really awesome. I admire your ability Mr. Simers to avoid any kind of reactionary judgement after you know, week 1 of the NFL Season. The Chargers were 1-3 last year before going to the AFC Championship game, but hey, you knew that. What place did the L.A. team finish in again?

"When everyone in the big city woke up Monday, the Dodgers and Angels were in first place. L.A. has USC, and San Diego has San Diego State, losers to Cal Poly SLO recently. L.A. has the Lakers, and San Diego still has the Clippers in their background. San Diego has a minor league outfit in the Padres and Norv Turner as Chargers coach, while the Dodgers are managed by the great Joe Torre and the media."

Again, I'll try to simplify this for you Mr. Simers, and if I had flash cards with diagrams I'd scan them and post them so you can follow along. The Dodgers are not good. They are two games over .500, in a division that even you admit has a 'minor league outfit' patrolling the basement. Obviously other division foes like the Rockies and the Giants are a tremendous hump in your success especially after 19 head to head games annually. Yet, two games over .500 is all your beloved Blue can manage, and if Joe Torre and the media were so great, why would they allow the mighty Dodgers to fail to prepare for such a cupcake like the Padres and lose a game to the basement dwellers in the middle of a division race? At the time of this posting, the Dodgers are again down 2-1 to the Padres. In the MIDDLLE OF A DIVISION RACE!!!! And I'm not even paying attention to that Angels crap anymore.

I'm SDSU alumni and I won't even defend that atrocity, but, they do try hard and nearly upset Notre Dame. USC cheats and finishes second. But hey, I want to focus on that bold part. Let me recap:

"San Diego still has the Clippers in their background."

Hey. Come on now T.J. Let's just get past the bullshit here okay? The Clippers have been an active failure in Los Angeles for nearing 28 years now. Once the Clips left town, the went to Los Angeles, not even Anaheim like the Angels, but truly Los Angeles. They share a venue with your almighty 2nd place Lakers, but somehow this is a reflection of San Diego sports history? When exactly Mr. Simers are you planning on taking ownership of the Clippers as Los Angeles' own? When they win? Is that it?

By your logic then you should be on the hook for the debacle of a football team that the Raiders trotted out on the field on Sunday night. They used to be an L.A. team, so therefore L.A. is responsible for that steaming Committment to Dogshit that's been and keeps festering in professional football stadiums since 2002. I guess you have to take credit for that wonderfully incompetant Rams squad that brings down property values in St. Louis as if that were further possible. The squad that went out and collected a total of 8 first downs and gagged up better than 500 yards to the Eagles? The 3-13 Rams from a year ago? Go check those two squads records dating back for a few years if you are going to hold that Clippers shit over our heads.

Now, I want to take this as an opportunity to point out that there did seem to be a touch of sarcasm in this column, but I believe that was to distract or diffuse the attention from your kindergarten like ranting. For shame that the L.A. Times would post something so juvenile with obviously so little thought into each and every word. You sir are a poor excuse for a journalist.

In closing I'd just like to say...

My Balls Mr. Simers. Fuck you. Suck my balls.



UPDATE: It's since tied at 2. But who gives a shit. We're a cupcake. Fuck you.

Sources In Washington...

...are telling me that Shawne Merriman is done for the season. No confirmation yet.

Update: ESPN's blurb here. Mighty 1090 is confirming this now.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Fuck with Less F's...

Sorry to be the prick that pushes shit on down the page here, but as one of the announced 67,115 in the stands yesterday I feel like my two cents are worth at least a buck thirty seven right now. That and I've been far too quiet and passive throughout my promise to stop doing just that.

There were a few observations from yesterday that did not go unnoticed. First, the trolley is a trainfuck of an operation out here. If the subway system in that shit pit town on the other side of the country operates anything like the shit I was working with yesterday, load that Hebron Collider thing that's supposedly ending the world on Wednesday on a plane and turn it on in Times fucking Square. That bright red bloody dookie of a train running through Mission Valley is fucked cookies. Cattle being lead to slaughter have a better time and a classier ride that that.

Second, well, let's call it the second layer. From down numbering one, Wilhelm had his transmission jacked firmly in reverse. I have to say he is the most mobile linebacker these eyes have ever seen if you need somebody to attack a blocker moving backwards and make a tackle 13 yards down the field. If that was a valuable trait in a linebacker, he'd be Ray Lewis from his ultra-pro bowl years without all the murder. I refrained from texting my frustrations to fellow Bolters throughout the defensive atrocities out of respect for the guys during week 1, and the fact that I couldn't come up with enough accurate swear words to truly depict what I was seeing. Believe me, I've got the next level in my vocabulary to nearly get there, but it was week one and I wasn't feeling like pushing the ticker into the red zone just yet.

Third, adjustments. Here we are again. It's turning into a fucking shit word around here. The offense obviously got it mostly together the better part of the fourth quarter, but as was already mentioned, too little too late. The guys defending our end zone were absoulutely gassed on that last drive. Hey Offense! Those guys are mostly fat and mostly chased down those fucking turquoise wearing Nascar backwoods fucks all day. Give 'em a fucking break okay? Sweet fucking Christ.

Four, Shawne and Antonio. The walking wounded. Merriman looked okay in person. I didn't have the benefit (loosely used here) of commentary, but I heard he left before halftime with 'brace issues'. Not unlike the entirety of the defense, Shawne was rather ineffective. I think we got to that Cajun fucker twice and once was called back by a bullshit hold on Cromartie on the other side of the field and Crawfish Fucker wasn't even looking his way. That's what happens when you are averaging about 13 yards per carry to that point in the game. Antonio looked fine to me, running routes and catching the ball. Now he says he doesn't feel well. Rad. RAD.

LTD looked anxious. I counted at least three occasions of what I'll call a lack of patience and instead of letting his blockers get out in front of him, he just ran flat into them. The end result is the smaller 200+ pound guy getting knocked on his shitmaker by a 350 libber. That's fucking physics holmes.

Okay, time for the positives. Our seats were great, and gratis, and the beer was still quite reasonably priced all things considered. Better than the track and/or the manure pit that houses that infestation of smegma that doubles as the baseball team. The weather was great, and there was plenty of pregame eye candy as well. Unfortunately, our awesome front row end zone seats were at the end of the field where only one touchdown was scored all the day long. ONLY ONE TOUCHDOWN!! Can you guess which one?

If you look up you'll probably see me in all of my glorious disappointment in any photo of that last play. Rad. R*A*D. Except that one.

So. Week one is in the book. We lost. It sucks. It's not the end of the world. The Chefs still suck rocks through a tennis racket, and I'm sitting and watching the Raiders go on out and meet and/or exceed all expectations of them once again. I was completely unaware that all it takes to be an elite quarterback anymore is the proper amount of insulin and a case of the Raiders. Now don't get all crazy you fucking donkeys out there that may be reading this. Jamarcus Hustle has flat out dropped the ball in the face of a defender everyone, including Mike Ditka knew was blitzing after being completely untouched. And everyone knows Ditka is off his medication and may be in a dead heat with Madden at this point for having no idea what's going on. So, Raider football is yet again in full swing. That should make next week so much more invigorating should the boys get their shit together. Somebody go swap that insulin out for some low grade Tijuana black tar or something like that...

Better picture to make up for that last one...

That's Jennifer. From her bio:

"Every year her family enjoys gathering at her Irish Grandma's house for a traditional St. Patrick's Day celebration with authentic Irish cuisine. Jennifer is currently finishing her degree in Psychology and teaching dance classes for preschool and elementary age children. She loves dancing, working with children and has a strong passion for the culinary arts. She plans on attending culinary school to become a chef."

See, she cooks, didn't know that did you? Totally want to do her more now huh? You're welcome.


That did not go as awesome as I had hoped it would. I hope none of the other teams we play were watching that game because the Panthers exposed our squishy center. You know, like that gum that squirts juice in your mouth when you bite into it? I hate that gum. It makes me feel like a gay guy. Anyway, some things that ran through my mind during the game:

1) Hmm, Matt Wilhelm still sucks. Weird. And Derek Smith is nearly as sucky. The next three weeks without Stephen Cooper might be an eternity. And that only solves half the problem. I wonder if Steve Foley is over that nasty case of bullets that took him out a couple years back. We should give him a call. See what's up.

2) Tomlinson could do with a couple snaps in the preseason. Not a terrible day, but he never really got loose.

3) Speaking of the offense, by the end of the game I was happy enough with their effort. Is it only me, though, or does it seem like I've seen that before. You know, where the offense suddenly seems to realize they've been piss poor long enough and that it's time to put something together? Let's see 60 minutes. The time of possession disparity killed our D.

4) Speaking once again of D, we did manage to keep the Panthers' offense out of the endzone for 59:58. So close.

5) Our corners are the only players on the team that can make a tackle without loads of help. Even the new guy, Cason, who forced a solid fumble for our only turnover of the game looked good.

6) Speaking of turnovers, somebody get Clinton Hart some stick'em.

All in all, I'm not ready to panic yet. Week 1 is like that. Did you see what Kyle Orton's Bears did to Peyton Manning's Colts last night? And at least we're not that one team with that one dude you may have heard of who may not be too kneetastic for the season. And maybe, just maybe, the Panthers are finally actually back. Anything's possible. Here's some storylines coming up that I'm already sick of.

1) Shawne Merriman going to the locker room after taking that chop block. Obviously he's not 100% and needs to shut it down now before he suffers an injury like...drumroll...Tom Brady! Bullshit. They're going to obviously be tentative with Merriman, but Carolina just kind of had our entire pass rush solved most of the day.

2) Did the Chargers let go of the wrong back this offseason? Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. I'm happy for Turner and I had no doubt he'd be good, but let's not forget that that was Detroit he gashed for 220. Of course, after yesterday I'm really not looking forward to his homecoming.

3) Brady's knee. Ha. Just kidding, I'm not sick of that at all. There is a small part of me, though, that would like to see Cassell succeed, if just for the fact that it would throw Brady's greatness into question. I've long held that while Brady is a very good QB, there are a lot of guys who could thrive with that line and those weapons.

So, that's it. Week 1 pretty much over outside of an interesting NFC match-up tonight followed by a contest between two pretty suspect squads to determine sole possession of first place in their division. Ugh. At least we're not the Rams. Seriously, though, we're not cooked by a longshot. Go Bolts!!!

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Here We Fucking Go!

My eyes popped open about 6:30 this morning and I don't have to work so that can mean only one thing; It's time for some motherfucking football! Not preseason teaser bullshit. Not that Thursday night farce of an opening "fuck you" to the fans. A real, whole day of God damn knock you on your ass and violently rape your corpse football! Bully!

A few thoughts on the upcoming season to start:

1) Is anybody outside of New York actually rooting for Favre to win? He will, of course, because the Fins are farther away than Chad Pennington from winning that game, but I would love to be wrong here. The real question is, when the Jets finally do start losing games and, of course, they will, does Favre begin to consider re-re-retirement?

2) The Pats get to start off with the Chiefs. That should cure any Superbowl hangovers they might have. Oh wait, the Pats don't have a Superbowl hangover, the vaGiants do. Somebody is going to have to explain that to me. Wouldn't it be glorious if the Pats really did suffer the Superbowl loser's curse and miss the playoffs this year? Problem is, somebody has to win that division. I'd just be curious how the media would cover Brady's ass if it happens. Seriously, someone actually compared Brady to Romo in an article I read and said that nothing can go wrong for Brady. Romo goes to Cabo with J-Simp and loses in the playoffs. Brady hangs out Giselle and almost wins the Superbowl. Umm...but he didn't. He didn't win the Superbowl. That went wrong for Brady you fucking idiot!

3) Shawne Merriman went on the radio the other morning and confirmed my suspicions by saying that none of the specialists he saw told him to shut it down, but did say he was going to have to have surgery sooner or later. The media continues to claim that all said specialists begged Merriman to shut it down for the sake of the children. Won't somebody think of the children?! I smell a Pro Bowl year.

Here's the winners, I don't have the spread so suck it.

vaGiants over the Skins in a piss poor dog of a game. I bet Jim Zorn doesn't know how to manage clock.

Bengals over Ravens, but I bet that terrible Bengals D makes the media start with the Joe Flacco cocksucking jamboree.

J-E-T-S Brett, Brett, Bre- Oh fuck me. Sorry Dolphins, but the good newsis that I think you win upwards of 5 this year, I just can't figure out which 5.

Pats over Chiefs. Way to go scheduling committee, I can see the sprinkles on that cupcake from here.

Steelers over Texans and I am only taking the Steelers becuase it's a homer for them. This one could be close.

Jags over Titans because the best you can hope for with 0 points is a tie Teatans.

Lions over Falcons because the Falcons are so bad even God won't show them mercy.

Bills over Seahawks and this is my only upset. I don't know why, though, because I firmly believe that Trent Edwards sucks, but I must be crazy because everybody else inexplicably loves the guy.

Eagles over Rams because in what has become Rams tradition at least three starting offensive linemen should be on IR by halftime.

Saints over Bucs because the Bucs will be resting players for the playoffs.

Chargers over Panthers because Peter King sucks. 22 to 20? Seriously? Two lousy points you cocksucker? We're going to eviscerate that team. Bitch!

Cards over Niners. A million Fantasy Footballers, including myself will be poised to pick up JT O'Sullivan if he thrives in a Mike Martz offense. Seriously, I want to pick him up now. I'm 11th on waivers.

Cowboys over Browns and I want to pick the other way because I think the Cowboys might be the greatest of all lies, but Romo could throw 5 TDs against a Browns defense that does not employ professional DBs.

Colts over Bears. The ads for this claim the Bears haven't forgotten what the Colts did to them in the Superbowl a couple years back. I don't know if that's true or not, but even if they did forget they're going to be reminded very quickly.

Packers over Vikings and Minnesota will go into heavy, heavy panic mode. They may try to pick up O'Sullivan too.

Denver over the Raiders. Who cares?

That's what I got right now. After this weekend I'm going to try to get all disecty on this shit and predict the rest of the season. That should be awful. Go Bolts!!!

Friday, September 05, 2008

What The Fuck?

So, I'm hanging around the proverbial watercooler when "Assmunch from marketing who dresses for work like he's going to the club but has a smoking hot girlfriend and a car that's better than me so I guess that works" comes up to me and says, "Hey, did you catch that game last night?" Naturally I told him that, while I did have the game on, I don't really pay attention during the preseason. Well, imagine my surprise when he fills me in on the fact that last night's craptacular shitfest actually fucking counted! No shit, the Giants actually get to keep that and are now 1/2 game above the field. And the Redskins? Well, they can't take it back and that means they are, oh I'd say about 15 games below the field, and with only 15 to go, things don't look so hot.

There's not a lot to say that you haven't seen or heard said already, but I'm gonna say a couple of things anyway.

1) Do the Redskins have no assistant coaches? Do they have assistant coaches, but they are all a-scared of Jim Zorn? I spent quite a large portion of the last quarter wondering why no one had thought to mention to Zorn that football games still only have four quarters.

2) Zorn? Is he the Tomax to Norv's Xamot? Not quite, but I'd be pretty stoked to find out we will end up with an inverse record to the Skins, because that means we'd have a really good chance of going undefeated. It's hard not to feel bad for guys like Clinton Portis (because you got to like the outrageous mutiple personality disorder) and Fred Smoot (because you got to like double-ended dildo shows).

3) What is up with NBC and their announcers spending the whole night comparing Eli's stats from the Superbowl to last night's game? How is one even remotely related to the other? Also, Eli and the Giants are getting an awful lot of credit for not being able to lay the wood on a team that was just laying there drugged and begging for it. Really going to need to work on some finishing moves, because after that performance (Brandon Jacobs steamroller impression excluded) I'd say the Giants only have a slightly better chance of making the postseason than that other "team" that took the field last night.

Okay, so now that I acknowledge football season has started, I guess it's time to fire up the brainpan and post with authoria;sgaiu rgncfgl;oving...huh- wha happened? I think my coworker slipped me a mickey there. I better run to the ER. Damn, though, those rape kits sting. Anyway, I'll try to have something more comprehensive up tomorrow. Here's a quck taste: I like the Bolts in the AFC West this year. Shhh. Go Bolts!!!