Are You Ready For Some Bullshit?! Well, Get Ready!

I hope that video got you all pumped up for another round of Inside the NFL Raped All the Women and Torched the Houses. They immediately tantalize us with promises of a miked up Larry Johnson and the possibility that they might not make a huge freaking deal about TO returning to Philly this weekend. I might actually have to give INFL a little credit for bucking the trend and deciding not to bow to the TO publicity machine. I mean, I myself posited that they would bring in a slew of different kinds of doctors to examine the hell out of the giant rotting horse corpse in the middle of the room, but nope. Nothing. Such restraint surely must be rewarded. Sadly, however, the above scenario would probably have been at least more interesting than the tripe I’m about to summarize for your non-viewing pleasure.

We start with Costas delivering three questions to the Algonquin Round Table of Ribaldry and Wit. The question were:

What do we know for sure at this point in the season?

What do we think we know?

Something else I can’t remember because I’m seriously already tuning out at this point and I’m about six beers deep. What? In the old days they used to get people plowed on booze to numb them before surgery. Same thing. Only a couple things of note here. Bears are really good. Everybody’s jumping off the Seattle bandwagon as if it were the Titanic. Actually, they’re jumping off as if the bandwagon were a parallel universe Titanic that, after hitting the iceberg, was being bombed by aliens. Collinsworth actually makes a really good point that teams have not been up to speed til this point because they didn’t do enough work in the preseason, leading me to believe that he reads this site, cause I made that point three weeks ago and I like to toot my own horn, fuck you.

Cowboys @ Titans
Not much to say here. Vince Young is thrown to the wolves and Dallas has a field day with the lowly Titans while pissing off fantasy football owners everywhere by scoring with three different running backs. Parcells hates fantasy geeks almost as much as he hates that one receiver whose name slips my mind.

Seahawks @ Bears
The Hawks lull everyone into a false sense of security by letting themselves get bombed on by the Bears. Ricky Manning Jr. spits in William Shakespeare’s face by proving that a rose by any other name would smell like shit. It’s all about the name.

Now they get into the Albert Haynesworth incident, and I can’t tell you how much I love The Onion. Collinsworth approves of the suspension and trumps it by calling or an arrest. Up yours, Worthless, Gurode already says he’s not a big enough pussy to sick the cops on Al. They touch on Cincinnatti’s legal troubles as well, and I’d be careful with all the joke-making. There are people on that team that might kill you. Ricky Manning Jr. gets his second mention in the episode, and I can’t understand why everybody’s getting on his case for beating up a nerd at Denny’s. Isn’t that what football players are supposed to do?

Lions @ Rams
Time for our first SIS, and I’m spotting a trend here. This week it’s Tory Holt up against brother Terrence. What the hell are these jerk-offs going to do when there are no brother match-ups to feature. Well, I think Bill Cowher has three daughters, so that‘s two more SISes right there. So, anyway, Terrence lays up on his brother and Tory predictably drops a TD. Somehow this was a shitty game despite 75 points scored.

Browns @ Oakland
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Colts @ Jets
I went to the bathroom at this point so I missed Mr. T dressed up in Jets gear and now I pity myself. I’m a fool. The Colts have to come back twice on the Jets in the 4th, and I’m now more certain than ever that Peyton Manning will never even sniff a Super Bowl.

The idiots sit around and talk about how the Colts aren’t as good as last year because they no longer have Edgerrin James and can’t stop the run and I suddenly catch myself playing with the remote and realize that I am actually watching this garbage for a reason.

Now we get into the big tear jerking story of the week, which will now get its own abbreviation….TJW. This one is about Ernie Davis, college phenom who broke all of Jim Browns college records, but never took a snap in the NFL because he developed Leukemia. Too sad to make fun of, but I can not say it enough: This shit does not belong on my so-called highlight and analysis show. Big ups for making Art Modell look like he has a soul, though. Smoke and mirrors, people. The staples of good journalim. Is it journalism or Talevisionism? Broadcasting? Whatever.

Peter King is back and I flatline. Something about Goodell shutting down online gambling to avoid fixed games. Seriously. Also, Brett Favre will not be traded. Do you get the feeling there are going to ask King that question every week until he admits he has no idea?

Niners @ Chiefs
LJ is miked up! We are treated to lots of slow-mo and sideline blah blah blah. Herman Edwards says, “When you go through the storms of life, you come out a better person,” and I think to myself, “That’s not even a real cliché. That’s just stupid.”

Retard face-off
1)Ugliest thing you’ve ever seen on the field? Dan says Daryll Talley without his helmet on, and I chuckle despite myself. I suck.
2)Underrated player? Dan gives a shout out to Brees and Terry Glenn, presumably because they both had good games last week and that’s as far back as Marino can remember. Carter absolutely blows my mind and deems Pennington the most undervalued player. Insight? From Carter? The hell you say.
3)How will TO act if he makes a TD in Philly? I refuse to care, so I didn’t pay attention to their answers. Sue me.
4)I don’t remember the question, but apparently Bob Costas is afraid of the midget Kiss cover band Mini-Kiss, and the idea of it sort of tickles me, but since I’ve been watching that show about the midget family on TLC I can no longer laugh at little people. Who knew they had feelings?

Jags @ Skins
I sure do like to see Jacksonville lose for some reason, and how can you not like the Redskins when Clinton Portis shows up for his press conference this week as Dolemite Jenkins, in full Napoleon Dynamite gear complete with Vote for Santana ringer T. That’s just rich, chewy goodness.

The team goes into their take on the upcoming Dallas-Philly match-up and the highlight here is the Eagles fan who wrote a TO song saying that Owens plays poker with Hitler and craps with Hussein and is just basically an all around pedophile. Wow, INFL, using that cable TV to get edgy? Not bad. Not great, but not bad. Any way, Carter, Costas and Marino pick Dallas, while Collinsworth and Marino like Philly. That’s not a mistake, I’m pretty sure Dan picked them both.

Patriots @Bengals
Tom Brady will not lose two games in a row. I know this because I heard him say it in an interview. That’s not cocky, that’s confidence. The kind of confidence you would have found in say, I don’t know, Joe Freaking Montana! Second coming! Second Coming! Second Coming!

Now, put the women and children to bed cause here comes the swearing.

Chargers @ Ravens
Those sly devils at INFL start the highlights with the chock full of irony inspirational huddle up of Marty Schottenheimer. Something about playing a perfect game and-FUCK YOU, I KNOW! FUCK YOU, I KNOW! FUCK YOU, I KNOW! FUCK YOU, I KNOW! FUCK YOU, I KNOW!

Then everybody but Costas picks Denver to beat Baltimore this week, and Collinsworth and Costas smartly pick the Bolts to beat the Steelers. That’s all. It’s over. Move along.