Sunday, December 25, 2005

Good Bye Good Luck...

Your team failing to show up for what amounts to a playoff game on Christmas Eve can ruin sixteen weeks of dedication. Nice work by everyone involved to mail this one in. Extra special thanks to everyone who failed to realize that without a reason the season ended today. I hope everyone involved gets coal in their stocking and gonorrhea in their iced tea…

Go 'Skins...

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Train's Leaving for Crazytown...

Woody Page has lost his mind. Again. This should come as no surprise to anyone. It’s been well documented across the world and the web, and today’s episode with Woody did not disappoint. He was in close proximity to Skip Bayless may have had something to do with the crazy that was emitting from his vocal hole. What are we going to do with you Woody? Your existence makes me realize that, with enough practice, I can too someday earn a paycheck running my mouth…

When speaking about this upcoming game with the Kansas City Chiefs, Woody went off the deep end. He held a sign as he plummeted downward. On said sign was his prediction for this Sunday’s game. Chiefs a lot, something in the neighborhood of 27, Chargers a little, around 10 or generously 13. Surprisingly, he totaled Larry Johnson’s numbers around 212 yards and a handful of touchdowns. Against us.

Does someone need to remind Mr. Page that we have not given up one hundred yards on the ground in a bit more than a season? That we have held every running back that has faced us this season, including, Clinton “Bro-Sweets” Portis, Edgerrin James, Rickonnie Browilliams, Lamont Jordan, Curtis Martin, and the Priest? Possibly ending the latter’s career? What do we need to do? Does he think that one of the most dominating fronts in football may take the weekend off? That Shawne Merriman may dook his shorts at the sight of the former Penn Stater? That Jamal Williams, Luis Castillo, and the rest of the crew are going to be intimidated by a Chef? I’m confused…

My only thought is that Mr. Page just wants to say something so outrageous that either he looks like a genius, or everyone just continues to write him off as some crazy old coot with a chalkboard and a parrot and he’s not accountable. I would encourage all of you to email him an audio clip of Nelson Muntz from the Simpson’s soundboard immediately following the inevitable tear drops of one Vermiel. Perhaps we can get Gunther Cunningham to raise his middle finger again.

Hope you enjoy fifteen more minutes Woody. Cause when we line up in victory formation and Mr. Brees runs my favorite play, getting a grass stain on his knee, I will be laughing and warming up my fingers to fill your email inbox with Nelson’s happy laughter.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Make a Manning Cry Monday...

The season is alive. I cannot begin to express the roller coaster vomit train that we have been front and center on without the aid of a safety bar. Whilst some around here are not in a state of mind to heavily praise our efforts, I would do just that had I the ability to complement everyone involved in this tremendous victory and the space to do it here. So let’s leave it at this, unlike last week, everyone wearing a bolt on their person yesterday gets a big thumbs up. Huge accolades for one and all. As my cohort was overheard saying at about o’noon thirty as the victory was being sealed by the feet of one Michael “The Burner” Turner, “The ’72 Dolphins owe us a boat party!!!”. So tomorrow at lunch I will be sending out the invitations. Maybe the guys over at can forward my invitation to Freddy Smoot. I feel that it’s only right that he be there. Mercury Morris? Nick Buonaconti, Don Shula, The Csonk, I’m waiting by the phone, there’s a bay here close by, and we can get cake.

There were a few observations that I made while trying my damnedest to keep my composure during the awful six minute stretch in the third quarter. Shawne Merriman is a beast. World class heavyweight monster. Demarcus Ware? Big word for cat that begins with P compared to our guy. Merriman had landed himself in the not so favorite pile after his temper tantrum rookie holdout at the advice of one of the Postons. It has taken a whopping fourteen weeks for me to forget that little ‘incident’ in the preseason. His play this weekend will have Older Manning returning to his folks place for a diaper change prior to the beginning of the playoffs. And don’t think that Younger Manning wasn’t watching with tears in his greedy little eyes. Congrats and thanks to Mr. Merriman, who now needs a nickname more than ever.

Michael Turner. The Burner. This guy has found his way into the hearts of Charger fans everywhere with his incredible work as backup to the best. He know he won’t be getting a starting job here, and is undoubtedly auditioning for his own job somewhere else with every single carry. There has been interest in making a trade for our favorite backup runner. After Sunday, his stock could not be any higher. He knows his role here and is content, for now. But I would say that I’d be shocked to see him in his Bolt 33 next season. Wish it were not the case but, I’d like to see him doing well somewhere. Thanks Burner.

During the third quarter ulcer stretch as it will be known, stomach linings were being eaten away at the prospect of what might have been. The quarterback was making mistakes, turning the ball over, and the game was swinging wildly in their favor. I couldn’t help but think, ‘If this slips away, we may be on the verge of the Phillip Rivers era...’. Couldn’t shake those thoughts as the interception, fumble, interception trio marked that six minute stretch. I was having visions of not a jolly old fat man brining a passes to the playoffs this year, but another not so jolly fat man with a with the deed to our football team, exiling the quarterback in favor of the unproven rookie. Let it be known that I don’t think we are out of the woods here yet… call me paranoid, but we need the playoffs.

What’s next? Well, I think we all know that… something inspirational tomorrow.

Okay, what?

Now I'm not going to go on and bother talking about the several near fatal heart attacks I had during the Bolts epic victory over the unbeatable Colts (which, I might add, completed our season sweep of the Manning family). I'm not going to get into game specifics or how Shawn Merriman kind of frightens me a little. I'm not going to lavish praise on Mr. Burner for his game clinching touchdown sprint (He does not look like he can go that fast), no matter how much he deserves it. I'm not even going to mention these things, cause, let's face it, if you're reading this crap, then you were watching the game. You don't need me to tell you about Luis Castillo's key sack late in the game. I don't have to blather on and on about Antonio Gates going over 1000 yards receiving on the year. There's no way in hell I'm going say anything like, "I've been saying all year that the Colts defense may be better, but there are still holes in there," or "Did you see Peyton Manning almost start crying when he was unable to avenge his little brother?" And, of course, the reason I don't care to go on and on and on about the amazing road show yesterday is that it doesn't mean squat if we don't make it past the new year. If that Colts game is all we have to hang our hats on come postseason, well, then 2006 is already a poopy year.

Now, as far as getting where we need to go, that's pretty simple. We need to win out. And we need some help. Some would say, a lot of help. KC is pretty much out of it, and I'm sure they're going to love the opportunity to spoil our chances at their house next week, but for this postseason possibilities perspectives and predictions (or "How I learned about football with the help of alliteration) let's assume the Chargers spank the Chiefs and the Broncos. Now, the most far fetched possibility is that the Raiders beat the Broncs on Sunday and we end up winning the AFC West. This is obviously the best thing that could happen because then it wouldn't matter whether stupid Pittsburgh beat us in the regular season or not, because we just sodomized them with the rules! Now we can still beat Pittsburgh for a spot if they somehow end up dropping a game to one of the fine high school football teams that somehow got onto their schedule in the next couple of weeks. I'm finding this one hard to believe, so I guess we have to assume we're not going to make it. Oh well, at least we played some good games and had a winning record. We'll be back strong next year and-wait a minute. There has to be something I'm missing. Let me take a look at my notes...

We never played Jacksonville this year, did we? To read what the talking sports heads have been writing, you'd think that the Jags were already assured their spot. But if we win out and Jacksonville loses one, by my understanding of the rules, we would beat them in all the tie-breaking criteria. I know they have two easy games, but how could anybody who saw them play Frisco yesterday think it's impossible for them to blow one? So look for this one to be the winning scenario. Sweet! See you in the post season. Go Bolts!!!

Friday, December 16, 2005

T-Minus 48 Hours...

Well it’s no secret that we are not on everyone’s win list against the Colts this weekend. And if our attempt at the unbeaten Colts looks anything like our effort against the Dolphins last weekend, not only will we lose, but the commissioner might call us up and fine the hell out of us for pretending to be a good team for thirteen weeks of the 2005 season. I for one am not ready to admit that we can’t beat the Colts this weekend for a few reasons. Since I am not feeling particularly articulate about this topic due to a severe lack of confidence, you get the ugliness of bullet point format…

• The Colts, until I am proven otherwise, are the best team in football right this moment.
• The Colts have accomplished a perfect season to this point, beating all of their competition, doing exactly what they need to do. Much like the undefeated college teams that maintain a number one ranking for a few seasons, people start to look for reasons why they don’t deserve to be number one. Level of competition, easy schedule, etc. Bottom line, they have won every game. The best team usually does just that.
• The Colts have played what I believe to be two tough games this season. Jacksonville is not, not, not a good football team.
• The Chargers will be a very tough game for them. I believe that the Chargers are at least as good as Cincinnati, and better than Pittsburgh (yes I know we lost to them).
• Freddy Smoot is my favorite non-Charger in the league right now. Sorry but that needed to be said. “70% of the earth is covered with water. The rest is covered by Smoot.” That other 30% now includes NFL receivers and porn star strippers.
• Leap of Faith: The Chargers cannot lose this game. Everyone keeps saying that. If they do, they don’t belong in the playoffs. If they come out flat again, I’m quitting football for at least three and a half hours.
• The Chargers may need to score 50 this week in order to win.
• The Chargers need to shorten the game. Keep Horrible Manning Version 1.0 off of the field.
• Ladainian Tomlinson. Ladainian Tomlinson. Ladainian Tomlinson. Coach? Coach? Got it? Ladainian Tomlinson. Ladainian Tomlinson. Ladainian Tomlinson.

I can’t say anymore about this. We need to win. We have a hell of a challenge against us. Can we win and right the ship? I am going to spend the next two days convincing myself that we can…

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I'm Better, But Still Far From Okay...

Now that everyone else should clearly be focusing on the daunting task that is facing us, I wanted to take one more opportunity to visit the bad weekend that we just had. Effectively taking a self inflicted blow from a sledgehammer to the groin. I was starting to realize that since everyone who was wearing lightning over the weekend was responsible for that lack of effort, I read from the UT this morning, Coach spouting off these gems,

"We didn't play to the level we're capable of playing," coach Marty Schottenheimer said during his weekly news conference. "Flat? No. And certainly not the product of overlooking the Miami Dolphins.”

We didn’t play to the level we’re capable of playing? No kidding. I wasn’t quite sure that sucking for 3 quarters was the level of play we were trying to achieve. In fact, in all of the losses we have had some bad aspects to the game, early secondary problems, sometimes a lack of a pass rush, sometimes bad coaching, a few mistakes and marginal performances by the quarterback, but never all materializing in the same game. That’s what we saw on Sunday. Everybody was bad. Everyone. And maybe you’re right, we didn’t look flat, we looked like “Tookie” Williams, at around midnight this morning only not as big. We looked so much worse than flat.

"I think it is widely acknowledged in the National Football League that there are no gimme games," Schottenheimer said. "I told you last week Miami has a good defense; it's hard to score points on the Miami Dolphins."

This is our leader, the guy that has never won anything meaningful. I can picture little Marty in his footie pajamas, removing his thumb from his mouth, turning to the microphones and squeaking out, “I told you last week, it’s hard to score points, it’s hard, it’s really tough!” Hey Marty, grow up. Take some responsibility in the fact that we sucked this weekend, and yes you are partially accountable. Don’t cry to me like my niece staring over a plate of peas. Quit acting like a five year old, and behave like the professional football coach that you have been imitating for years now. If it’s so tough to score points against Miami, how are you planning on doing it against the Colts, or Denver, or anyone else that might actually be a playoff caliber team? Oh, and that whole business of yelling at the refs when they didn’t give us the ball after the onsides kick with half a second left in the game, maybe if you had translated that intensity to the players in the third quarter when Miami was lubing us up, we might not be walking with a collective limp today.

This is our football coach. This is the guy. Everyone makes fun and jokes about how he has never won a big game. It’s not a joke. It’s real. It was real last January, and if we’re lucky, depending on your view, we’ll see it again. But probably not this year, and the outcome will be the same. Disappointing.

Monday, December 12, 2005

I'm Pretty Fu*king Far From Okay...

Everything is now more complicated. We waltzed into our stadium on Sunday, played great football for the first quarter of the game. Realizing that we were playing good football and totally dominating the quarter with over twelve minutes of possession, we let up and started doing our impression of an unbeaten, unbeatable team. We started getting cute, talking a lot, being cute with the play calling although still running the unbelievably vanilla offense. Doing things like throwing the ball all over the field out of unimaginative formations to receivers running uninspired routes. The offensive line looked as sharp as a bag of wet q-tips. The quarterback, when not running for his life, was throwing the ball all over the field. Then Miami realized it was 7-3 and figured that they might be able to steal one on the road. Zach Thomas took the ball away from Antonio Gates. He just took it away. He wanted it more. And it showed. Before you knew it we were down, we turned the ball over, and we were down some more. There was no urgency, no desire, no plan, nothing. We got pounded. On our own turf. By a terrible team. Where was Ladainian early in the game? Where was he as the coaches decided to heave the ball 52 times. Yes we were down in the game, but we came out throwing from the start, I don’t want to hear anyone telling me that we couldn’t run it. We didn’t even try. The coaches had no faith in our kicker, three times trying to convert fourth down instead of long field goals? Was the kicker ill? Was he hurt? Did he tell someone that he couldn’t make those kicks? What the hell was going on out there? The secondary? I think they were down at the Silver Fox, having beers and watching the morning games on t.v. They had to be drunk. There is no explanation for how badly they played…

Now we look ahead. Apparently the playoffs weren’t enough motivation for us this weekend. Where does this responsibility fall? On the coaches? Well, they can’t cover people, although Schottenheimer might be able to cover some of the less athletic guys in the league, it wasn’t happening on this Sunday. Who is to blame? Everyone who wears a bolt. Everyone.

Now it’s do or die time. We cannot lose another game. Good thing we get to play Indianapolis this weekend. On the road. In the dome. A place where the Colts historically don’t really play very well. In fact, I can’t really recall the last time the Colts won a game at home. Can anyone tell me what their record is this year? I’m confused.

If week fourteen was the end of our season, I am going to have a problem. We laid down and welcomed the Fish with ankles airborn and then politely thanked the Dolphins for the Pulp Fiction treatment we received. The only recourse is to take it to the Colts and everyone else for the rest of the season Marcellus Wallace medieval style with some angry pipe hitting mother fu…… well you know. It’s the only way to save what’s left of the season. Cobra Kai, no mercy.

Tim Mother Fu… well you know McGraw just got done making fun of us. I am going to go punch a cat now.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Eat Me Denver.

I have nothing positive to say. Nothing. We got beaten today. The team looked flat. They looked dead. They were barely playing football. If there had been a fifth quarter we still would have lost. The coaching was inept. No one cared about football today. The secondary was atrocious. The playoffs should be taken away from us. We should not be allowed to go. They should move our team to L.A. I’ll help them pack. I hate you. I hate football.

Denver beat a terrible Baltimore team. The division is theirs. We are going to have to hear about this for the next 17 years. Denver fans will never allow anyone to forget that they were unbeatable during the Jake Plummer years. He is the next John Elway. He is going to take them back to the Super Bowl. He is the new incarnation of Christ. I think I am going to vacation in Colorado and kill some small animals with a diesel powered chainsaw.

Kansas City dumped to the Dan Campbell led Dallas Cowboys. I had to watch the end of that after they switched from the destruction of the Chargers and the wonderful Steve Tasker saying nice things about our football team all day. That guy would root for a group of serial child molesters if they were playing the Chargers. I had to root for the Cowboys and be glad when they won. I am going to go headbutt the nail that’s sticking out of the wall.

At least we got this loss out of the way before we have to play the easiest part of the schedule. Indy should be a cakewalk, and Kansas City, and Denver. All cupcakes. Well, Denver is at least. I wonder what it’s like to root for a successful football team.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Bay Area Blues...

Raider week has come and gone. As has been the case for the last couple of years now, the aforementioned squad was once again all bark no bite. As I pointed out here late last week, the Raiders mystique is all but gone. There is no intimidation, no bravado, no fight in that team. What you are left with is a bunch of guys with absolutely no leader, going through the motions on the football field. When the slightest bit of adversity befalls them, they quit. Literally quit. There is no other word to describe what happens to that football team. They quit. Again. There was a point in the second quarter as we continued to methodically drive down the field where you could just see the inevitable demise of a football team. This was a game that I felt that we were always one score away from winning; mind you this was in the second quarter.

For a quarter and a half it almost appeared that the Raiders had assembled a game plan. Run to set up the pass. Lamont Jordan got out to a decent start and looked like he might be the first this season to set out on a one hundred yard quest against us. Jammer and the gang seemed content to play off of Randy Moss, giving him the penalty free short stuff underneath; adopting a similar strategy that New England employed against T.O. in the Big Bowl. It seemed apparent that he was not at 100%mentally or physically, so give him that meaningless short stuff and don’t get beaten down field for a big play. We got a handle on the running game, got a turnover, and the plan was shot. As they all collectively mailed it in, this game was effectively done by halftime, Clinton Hart’s 70 yard interception through a sea of bobble head dolls did nothing more that further anger the Raider faithful that live upstairs. Last count it sounded like a table, two chairs and most of their pride had been thoroughly broken.

The second half was a lot of us being good completely dominating the third frame, and a whole lot more of Kerry Collins doing what he does, airing it out to every ball boy, line judge, and occupants of Section 34, Row 3. I think this might have been the most boring, anti-climactic game of the season. It was hard to enjoy things like Shawne Merriman being an absolute monster beast, flying through the air tackling everyone out on the field. I think Marty had to pull him aside at one point and remind him that we were wearing blue, and to keep the “Light Switch” turned off of those guys. The quarterback made a nice recovery from the less than stellar performance that we have all voted that he was entitled to last week. And the best running back in the league struggled a bit with something described as a rib injury, that he undoubtedly got injected with some kind of nuclear level pain killer at the half in order to finish out the game. Hopefully, there isn’t too much residual damage from whatever that was.

As far as damage to humans in the stands, 52 arrests, 70 ejections, and 17 misdemeanor cites mostly for folks who couldn’t seem to remember what the blue boxes that stink real nice in the parking lot are there for. No stabbings, no reports of anyone getting bitten or suffering from what I like to call Missing Ear Syndrome, or Van Gogh’s Disease which has been an issue at this game historically.

All in all it wound up exactly the way I thought it would. Not much seems to change in the land of Raider nowadays. Their search will continue this year for a competent coach as they are watching the playoffs once again. Unless of course you are listening to what Joe Theismann has to say, then Norv Turner will keep his job, undoubtedly get a substantial raise, and will battle Jim Haslett for Coach of the Year honors. Did I mention last week that listening to him makes me want to vomit up my colon with laughter? Not to mention the ridiculousness of what he was saying about Randy Moss all night. Yes Joe, we know he’s hurt. Yes Joe, we know he’s not a hundred percent. Yes Joe, he isn’t getting off of the line well. Yes Joe, he doesn’t look like himself tonight. Yes Joe, nobody can cover him when he is healthy. Hey Joe, they are down by 24 and he isn’t running patterns anymore. Yes Joe, he is a class guy, he’s a reverend, he’s a saint, never gotten into trouble anywhere and we all misunderstand him. Yes Joe, he once ran over a lady cop with his car. Go get your paycheck Joe. We should set up an all time death match between Steve Tasker and Joe Theismann, and have running commentary by the participants, you know, one of those ‘Wired for Sound’ segments they are always doing on Sunday nights. Nick Canepa can write the summary the following day. Everybody should check out Nick’s column today, I wrote
it last week...

Friday, December 02, 2005


After some hiatus and after wrangling fifteen brain cells together last night (sadly one perished in a terrible sushi accident) we finally have the return of the Friday Quick Hits. It’s been a while, hold on to your hats, for you will face an unbelievably life changing dilemma should they land in a public toilet. Not that I’d know... Anyway, here we go...

-Big thanks to the NFL schedule makers for 2005 for messing this week up tremendously. Denver v. Kansas City? Pittsburgh v. Cincy? Kitty Kats v. Helix High? Come on. How are we supposed to get into the playoffs when none of the outcomes of these games can help us??? Who am I supposed to root for here???

-Must See Game of the Week: Arizona at San Francisco. I haven’t checked but I’d be willing to bet that is the t.v. game in our region. Oh, and in case you were wondering Arizona is a three point favorite.

-Over/ Under of the Week: Arrests at the Murph this Sunday eve for our nationally telecast football game against the Dysfunctional Inbred Pirates: 11.

-Over/ Under #2 of the Week: Combined total of Eco Terrorists SUV arsons at local dealerships plus number of arrests at the game...27. Can somebody get Guy Hill a security guard or something?

-Sucker Parlay of the Week: Jacksonville Kitties and Peyton Loves Colts.

-Happy Realization of the Week: Not having to listen to Steve Tasker ramble on about God knows what this weekend during our football game.

-Sad Realization of the Week: Having to listen to Joe Theismann ramble on about everything else instead.

-Just for Fun: My Picks for the Week (Home Team in CAPS)

MIA -3.5
PIT -4
BALT -7.5
INDY -14.5
jax -3
NYG -3
CHI -7
DET +3
CAR -3
tb -3.5
SF +3
wash -3
NE -10
KC +1
SD -10.5
PHI +4

-Over/Under on how many I get correct.... 10.

-Favorite Number of the Week (besides 21): 2. The number of Raiders fans that I know personally that will be crying in their oatmeal on Monday morning.

-For Those of You Yet to See Light:

And that brings us to the end of this edition of the QH. Hopefully I can catch a broadcast of the classic “A Christmas Story”, immediately following the destruction on Sunday night

Steelers and Tigers Something or Other. Ho hum.

I can’t believe you stole my League Darling Jacksonville moniker. We are now at odds!

I hate to do actual research, but since the theme of this post today is, “Screw you Jacksonville and the idiot paid sports jerks who bow to your mediocrity,” I figured I should have some hard facts.

Of course, you all realize that the reason I need to rag on Jacksonville is because presently we need Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, or the Jags to drop off in the last month or so of the season if we are to even have a shot at the playoffs. Pittsburgh just won’t bow out. It’s possible, but I’m just going to have to go ahead and pencil them in for the post season. Sue me. Cincinnati I’m not totally sold on. I mean, that offense is formidable, but that defense gives up points like Paris Hil- Oh Christ! That is too easy, and too cliché, but you get it. The only “good” team this playoff contender has beaten is the Chicago Bearcats, or Lion cubs or whatever they’re called. The things is, they’re not lining up a lot of Super Bowl teams on the way out either. Sign them up for some extended season action. I’d mention Kansas City, but their last five games of the season are gonna be a bear, so sorry Vermeil, those will have to be tears of sadness instead of joy. Which leaves us with…

…The LEAGUE DARLING JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS! The Of Mice and Men of the NFL. If that stellar defense can keep the offense from petting baby animals and women to death, they can hang with anybody. A lot of you are saying, “But that describes the Chicago Polar Sloths as well.” So, just so we don’t confuse anybody, the Chicago team will from here on out be called…Rainman. Got it? Good.

So, OM&M lost their starting QB, the great and mighty Byron Leftwich (I don’t know why my counterpart has such a hard time with that one), for at least four weeks. In steps David? Garrard? Garrard instantly RUNS for a TD. Exciting stuff. Especially since Leftwich, despite being…um…tall, can’t run for beans. Well, if Garrard can run like that, and somehow scramble to defeat the mighty Cardinals, who only give up 26+ points a game, then the LD Jags are obviously on the fast track to the Super Bowl! They’re riding in the Super Magical Unicorn car!

“Where are the hard facts, Maximum Colossus?” you ask? I told you about the Cardinals 26+ points a game. What more do you want from me? Okay, how about this for a hard fact? Jacksonville will fade. So to the Chargers I say, in the immortal words of Han Solo, “You’re all clear, kid. Now let’s blow this thing and go home!” Only, don’t blow it, Chargers. Alright? Go Bolts!!!