Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Scouting Report...

Since I've done no real scouting for what we'll affectionately call "Steeler Week", I'll merely be making one up. And seeing as how the local rag just wants to suck start the iron fires at the vacant dilapidated steel mills doesn't mean I want to.

Injury Report

In this breaking news you'll only get here, Jamal Williams had a sandwich today. He's still out for the season.

Tomlinson isn't planning on playing and Norvy won't tell us whether he's planning on playing the not planning on playing maybe playing oft injured running back. Word is he's walking without a limp. Have you seen him walk? How do you know then?

Merriman is still hampered by a "strained groin" that limited him to two snaps on Sunday against Miami. He says he's feeling a lot better than last week. I've been told on good authority that "strained groin" is code for the receptionist at Planned Parenthood to write the "Gonorrhea" in the symptoms box of the anonymous form. The Tequila broad did get her vengeance after all.

Meanwhile, there has been a new development in the status of the running game. Norv has updated the running game to "Wounded Giraffe". Which I can only see as a positive.

And finally, we only need to sell 1,550 seats by the Thursday evening 5 p.m. deadline to avoid the blackout this week.

Monday, September 28, 2009

What A Pleasant Surprise.

Now we've beaten two horrible teams and hung in there with one possibly really good team. So, I don't know what that means, feel free to help me out.

Rivers continues to impress, and that should keep us in games all year. Everything else looked better than I could have hoped for yesterday. My optimism level has been raised to fuscia.

Will the Dolphins will make history again by having the worst collapse after having the greatest rise the year before? I don't know for sure, but I can say with confidence that, yes, that is totally going to happen.

The Steelers are going to be pissed next week and we never beat them at home. Thanks, Cincy. My optimism level has now dropped to mauve.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Actual Conversations I've had...

This may or may not be a new bit around here, but lately I've exchanged emails and words with many a folk about the footballing squad and heard quite the incredible analysis of our team. In no way should these conversations not be shared with the masses, yep, all six of our readers. I hope you enjoy.

The first of the installment happened last night with none other than this site's other wordsmith, Max Colossus.

Me: So we need to have a serious talk.

Max: What about?

Me: You know. A little thing like tomorrrow's game.

Max: What about it?

Me: Well, are we going to win?

Max: Uh, hell fucking no. No. No. We're not going to win.

Me: (Uncontrollably lauging) Why not? (Tears and snot running down my face)

Max: Well, first, Miami's PISSED! The did everything to win that game last week, controlling the ball for 46 minutes and running it for like 1000 yards. We're fucked. They're PISSED!!!!

Now, in that statement there isn't much I can disagree with. Except the fact that I think we're PISSED too. I think that our PISSED totally fucking dominates their PISSED. That and they showed this tremendous gaplike vagina defense, much like ourselves, that allowed Pey Pey to exploit their secondary to the degree that 14 minutes of offensive possession was more than enough to rape the Dolphins. And you know how dolphins love the rape. So, as long as Ol' Norvy doesn't go out and step on his dick again, Philip The Laserfaced should double his season high 436 yards passing from last week. That, and we've never won time of possession as a stat cause we fry time outs like convicts, and we are fairly awful at the third down play calling in all but the last two minutes of each half, last week notwithstanding. That being said, this is me being not concerned about the Miami Dolphins.

Bolts 37 Dolphins 36. Ya heard?

Friday, September 25, 2009

Acee Doesn't Ask, Doesn't Want To Be Told

Here's today's depthless article on the Chargers running game or something, I can't really tell what the fuck the point is, but I love this part, where Discredit to the Profession of Coaching Norvelle Turner addresses the Michael Bennett issue:

After Bennett carried just four times to Sproles' 10 in Sunday's loss to Baltimore, Turner said he would have liked to use Bennett more. But it's not because he thinks he has to.

When Acee goes on to ask Turner why he didn't use Bennett more as he says he would have liked to, Turner says-oh wait, Turner said nothing. Because he wasn't asked. Apparently, Acee was cool with that completely vague and noncommital statement. So let me help:

Norv, why didn't Bennet get more carries on Sunday?

Norv: Uh, well, uh, because..uh...

He was hit by a bus at the half.
Shawne Merriman raped him in an attempt to get his mojo back.
I have a vagina.
We try to have one talented, underutilized back every year, in case you haven't been paying attention.
What's that over there?!
People in England only have one spoon.
AJ told me not to use him.
He developed Super Aids.
We're not as good as you all thought we were.

Fair enough Norv, fair enough. Feel free to share your own possible reasons in the comments.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Not So Fast Tim...

Oh how the waffling begins. My problem with this article lies with the basis that you can't assume "what if" scenarios would have been successful. All of us "amateur analysts" that are still at threat level orange about the 3rd down play before halftime are just silly uneducated "amateurs" for thinking that we may have scored a touchdown in that situation. Obviously, for Norv, he believed that a sack in that situation was far more likely to occur (conveniently a "what if" scenario), without the use of statistics or fucking science for that matter, so he kicked a meaningless field goal. On third down. With ten seconds to go. From the fucking six yard line. SHITFUCKASS!!!

Now, there is no matter of fact way to prove that we would have scored a touchdown in that situation with any level of certainty. Conversely, there is no statistical evidence, or "what if" scenario the other way that it was far more likely Rivers would have been sacked on the play. The crux of the situation, and why it was such a fucktastic disaster was the coach, freely dropping his pants, placing a death grip on his ankles bent over facing Harbaugh on the opposite sidelines and screamed, "YOU WIN MASTER, TAKE ME AS YOU MAY AND PREFERABLY FORGO THE LUBRICANT AS YOU ASS PLUNDER MY NETHERREGIONS!".

The message sent was twofold, A) We can't beat you supreme being Baltimore Ravens, and B) Chargers, we're going to the locker room losing by three less points cause I know you don't have the testicular fortitude to get into the end zone. That is a very valuable lesson to send the squad there Coach. And by coach I mean porcupine fucker.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

It's Not Just Norv...

...It's you and me and the players and the media too. Norv Turner is already being crucified for the following statement and I'm not above piling on:

“I don’t think right now we’re as good as the people who cover us think we are or expect us to be,” Turner said Monday. “I don’t think we’re as good as our fans want us to be.”

So, there you have it. You expected too much. The media believed in the team AJ and Norv had put together and sold that Koolaid to the rest of us. We went 14-2 with all our core young players locked up just a few short years ago, but despite Norv's best efforts the team was somehow on a downswing and this is where we are now. Have you ever heard the expression, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it?" Norv hasn't.

Way to try and drag the fans and the organization down with you, you worthless excuse for a football coach. And what do you suppose AJ's gonna say when he sees that you try to load up on the local media. Don't you know AJ runs the local media? God, you really are fucking retarded! Hopefully, this will finally get you run you cock slobbering gimp!

Monday, September 21, 2009


Coach rankings for week 2, according to the fans.

This Is Why...

This was posted by a guy I work with regarding yesterday's game, and it is totally why nobody respects Chargers fans:

I think Norv is taking way too much hate for this loss....Maybe I didn't like that last call on the 4th down (but I ain't having an I hate Norv meltdown over it)...but kicking the FG at the end of the first half I got no issue with.

Ravens are tough and we did some amazing things against them offensively. Our redzone issues not scoring TD's I feel are too be expected against a good D like the Ravens with the personnel we currently have healthy...part of the reason you kick that FG on third down.

And the AFC we just have to catch the Broncos, Ravens, and Jets (maybe the Colts) the only 2-0 teams in the conference.

If you are defending Norv Turner at this point in his career as a head coach, then you have an NFL I.Q. of, I don't know, 4 year old girl? And if you don't have a problem with that field goal, you deserve a punch in the groin. CJ, feel free to color that up a bit in the comments.

One More Quick Question?

Michael Bennett averaged 4.8 YPC on the 4 carries they gave him. 4. Sproles carried 10 times for an average of 2.6. Not an every down back. An explosive playmaker to be sure, but if you want to establish the running game, you might want to give your actual RB more than 4 carries.

Good News, Bad News

Let's start with the bad news. Let's get that out of the way:

Our coach, who was not good to begin with, is regressing. that's the only way to put it. His inability to make solid decisions in the clutch is just too much for our team to overcome. Now, people like Kevin Acee-and I know he'll do this- can say that Norv deserves credit for having us in a game like that after suffering a plethora of big injuries in the opener. But that's just the problem; If you're in a game like that, against a good team, and you've lost your starting RB and your Pro bowl NT, you have to win that game. You can't pussyfoot around with "safe points" at the end of the first half. Some message to send to your guys, Norv. "I'd just feel more comfortable if I didn't give you guys a chance to screw up here. Field goal unit!" You can't make assinine calls to end the game either. We must have two dozen plays with a better chance of picking up two yards there! Our QB threw for, like a thousand yards yesterday, why would you take the game out of his hands there? Norv apologists are going to say that nobody had a problem with that play last week when it got us the go ahead TD against the Raiders. Too bad that if it hadn't worked there last week we could have tried something else on the next down. Too bad the Ravens apparently watch tape. A beat up team can't lose that game at home and expect to be much of a threat to anybody going forward.

The good news:

After that heart breaker, you can be sure that you won't get to watch next week's home game unless you actually go to the game. And why would you do that?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

It's Fire Season...

I just witnessed our coach kick a field goal on third down with ten seconds left on the clock from the six yard line. That is the kind of move that got Kevin Gilbride fired. Kevin Gilbride was better than Norv Turner. Yep. I said it. I've never seen ridiculousness like that and although I have an extensive vocabulary of swear words, I don't have one that encapsulates my current feeling. Aids cunt almost works...

Friday, September 18, 2009

No Blackout, No LT

I went ahead and snatched up the remaining tix so the blackout is no go. Next up, Miami on the 27th. 4,000 seats available. That's getting a bit rich for my blood. We better win this week.

LT has been scratched from the line-up against the Ravens on Sunday as a precautionary measure, and AJ Smith is probably steaming right now. You have no idea how badly he wanted to run LT out of town a hold on to Turner a couple of years back, but this town would have crucified him if he had done it. Now those same fans are wildly pointing their fingers at Turner's performance in Atlanta and saying they "had a feeling" all along. These are the same fans who claim they don't get upset about questionable calls when the league claims the refs interpreted the rule correctly...even when they didn't. Every year I understand more why people from out of town hate Chargers fans.

DE-FENCE (I-I-I-I <--- Fence symbol here)...

I only have one problem with this reactionary column interview schpiel with Ron Rivera. Well two, but I won't be so nitpicky. He totally justifies our lack of pressure on the Raiders Faterback, and blithely compliments our coverage schemes, and really high coat glosses over the "coverage" that allowed for a touchdown on a late fourth quarter fourth and forever desperation touchdown play. As well as the touchdown/non touchdown play (hey, no touchdown equals good coverage). I wish he'd mention the tight end numbers that Zach Miller put up, obviously that wasn't a coverage issue.

Well that About Seals the Super Bowl...

ESP anyone?

Fucking mind readers on this team...

Thursday, September 17, 2009

No Blackout!!!...Yet.

24 hour extension to sell those last 1,100 tix. Doesn't seem like much, huh? That's only, like $100,000 worth of tix. I got this round, who wants to pick it up next time?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

What's Old is New...

It was finally here! Opening day! Yay!!! I'd survived the offseason yet again without sustaining any long term damage from the self induced coma that comes with a severe lack of footballing. I even sprung for a new t-shirt to drape over my sorry carcass for this 2009 Opening Day.

I read and read and read the experts during the lead up to this glorious day. We're going to the Super Bowl! We're gonna win the Super Bowl! We've got Shawne Merriman back and who cares if he chokes marginally attractive D-List reality television "starz" when everyone is drunk threesoming a week before the season opener. WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL! Nick Canepa said so!!!

Here we are a day later, and you know what I saw? I didn't see any super bowl contender, that's for certain. The team looked slightly more energetic than Patrick Swayze, but the most glaring observation I can make is that nothing had changed. Not to beat a dead horse, but the paid columnists in this town did everything short of anointing this team champs before training camp broke. Not going to get off to a slow start this year, a rejuvenated running back in L.T.D. playing with a serious chip on his shoulder. A whole new attitude. Blah, blah, blah, what a bunch of horseshit.

Nothing had changed. Not a damned thing. Save maybe the run defense that in the first half looked far worse than it did last year. There was truly a lack of leadership, as was prevalent all of the last season as well. A lack of execution, with turnovers and penalties occurring with far more frequency than they should. And again, a lack of creativity, a lack of desire, another fucking bland vanilla incarnation of a Norv Turner coached football team. Hurray! I won't even go into the fucking waiting room at the infirmary right now either. We're not built to sustain injuries despite how many times the Godfather sold us on this team's depth.

So I continue to beat the same dead Alpo chuck found behind the Del Mar Turf Club. After one viewing of this squad, it's a bad clone of last year's 8-8 shiny turd. And no matter how much you polish those turds, they still stink like shit. Color me unimpressed and a bit disappointed. I'm glad I have that inner skeptic in me that didn't recognize the Super Bowl quality of this squad thus tempering my expectations. I know, it's only week one, and we're rusty and whatever the fuck else kind of excuse you want to use to make yourself feel like this is again our year. I'm going to require a bit more proof than blind fucking optimism yet one more time. I'd rather go outside and fucking throw rocks at my treasured wasps nest than pretend like that was any fucking fun at all.

And you know what else? No fucking hot cheerleader pictures until this team acts like they deserve them. Instead, a girl that I think they deserve...

A Win Is A Win?

How confident is everybody feeling this morning? I really hope you can chaulk that game up to first game, National stage, on the road jitters. And I really hope those line injuries aren't nearly as bad as they looked, because the next three teams we face are even more physical than the Raiders and they are unlikely to make the same mistakes on offense the Raiders made to keep us alive last night. On that note, if any of you were happy with that overturned Raider TD, I hope you never once made a disparaging remark about Ed Hochuli. That was a TD, plain and simple. The Patriots won their Monday Night opener on a nearly identical kind of catch by Ben Watson and it took review officials about 10 seconds to uphold the call. We shouldn't have needed that call to win that game.

The pass rush is still missing. In case you didn't see that. Just pointing it out. I will give slight praise to the D for clamping down on the run for the most part in the second half, which I believe is the only thing that ultimately saved us.

I was a little surprised that our superstar receiving core was so thoroughly handled by man coverage last night, too. Norv loves to force the offense through the receivers as much as possible, but it wasn't until Rivers rediscovered Gates late in the game that we were able to efficiently move the chains. I imagine Gates was open in that coverage a lot more often than that. But Jackson will be a top five receiver this year. Norv Turner said so.

On the radio this morning it was reported that LT sprained his ankle last night and that is why he was on the sideline last night for much of the second half. But I'm sure he'll bounce right back and put up another record season like you all promised me he would. I can't wait. In the meantime, Sproles continues to be a little spark plug but he can not carry the ball a full load if we are going to make any noise this year. He just can't.

Ugly, ugly win against a team that I guarantee you is not nearly as good as they looked last night. But a win is a win, I guess, and there's no reason to slit our wrists so early in the season. Go Bolts...

Monday, September 14, 2009

And There You Go.

Football is back for real. None of this Thursday night primer bullshit, that there was a full slate of games. And what games they were. Let's take a look:

Kyle Orton...what can you say about Kyle Orton other than he's a guy who-with some help from God...real God and not som e crazy bearded Nordic specialist God-gets things done. Wow. Like it or not, the Donks are on pace for a perfect season.

Jake DelHomme. Really? Jake DelHomme is Mark Brunell. Better go get a back-up job somewhere Jake, so you can start rebuilding your credibility.

Drew Brees hates his running backs. So, if Philip Rivers sucked how many times a week do you think that AJ would call Drew Brees' cell phone and not say anything just to hear his voice?

At the end of the day it's a win, but you gotta wonder about Baltimore. But man, can the eyebrow throw the ball. And you gotta wonder if Matt Cassell is really the best QB in KC.

Kurt Warner looked like an old man.

Brett Favre deploys a mean hand off to the gut. Might he really be ready to take a secondary offensive role. I mean, really sucks.

I hope you want to hear a lot about Donovan McNabb and Mike Vick this week. Cause you're gonna.

And last but certainly not least, Jay Cutler. If the last 3 minutes of that game hadn't been a Fantasy Football nut punch for me, I think it would have been my favorite of all. 4 picks. Muy fantastico! But don't worry Jay, Peter King still has the Bears ranked 6th. Seriously. Sorry, though, you're not on his MVP watch. Yet.

And now for tonight. As one who believes Shawne Meeriman probably did choke that annoying little reality ho, I say fine as long as he was practicing for this game. Just kidding, it's never okay to choke a bitch. Unless she's some crazy evil mutant henchwoman with like metal claws and whatnot. In that case, choke away. Let's hope the Bolts do not 'choke away' tonight. Go Bolts!!!

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

God Dammit.

Dear Shawne,

With all due respect, what the fuck is the matter with you? Tila Tequila? Really? This story disturbs me on such a level I'm not sure I can accuratley portray my disappointment in words. Does she have magic between her legs or something man? You are a professional football player, you'd think that with all the Tom Brady envy going on around the league, that you guys would all be copycat kitten slayers and seek out even the ugliest supermodels, instead of this attention sucking troll. Please get it together Mr. Merriman, cause this article makes it sound like you are well on your way to arrest...You know what that means don't you? It means the Godfather turns you into a 3rd round pick. I hope she was worth it.



A Sea of Bad Puns...

I've torched and put T.J. Simers on blast around these parts at times in the past. So why should today be any different. I'm sometimes astounded as to how some of these people keep jobs. Anyone, and I mean anyone up to and including myself can make bad puns about sports current events and call it a column while waiting for my direct deposit to go through...go ahead and read the drivel here...

Link so ungloriously provided by these guys.

Friday, September 04, 2009

And that's a Sweet How Do You Do...

So, Kommisar Goodell, to borrow the phrase from these guys is encouraging the Chargers Brass to consider a remodel of the old Murph. Fabiani, a LAWYER, says not feasible, hasn't been feasible and won't be feasilbe. As always, the alternate proposal is to rebuild on the current Mission Valley site. This is also met with trepidation by the LAWYER, stating that "that won't allow for development.". And so, there's the rub. They don't just want a new stadium to equalize the competitive imbalance, they want development like John Moores got prior to kamikazi bombing the team into the newly paved ground, but hey, with new vacant high rise condos no one can afford hurray!!! Read the whole crapshot here.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Tugging the Heart Strings of a Dictator...

I think this sums up my feelings about the blackout situation. Word on the street is 10-12 cities will be facing blackouts this year. Not quite sure if you've heard, this is sort of hush hush information, but the economy has hit a bit of a rough spot as of late. I know. Hard to believe.

The last time I can remember a blackout was a Titans game I spent the better part of a Sunday afternoon watching the ticker on the bottom of the screen of another game I cared little if anything about. Do I think Goodell is going to relax the rules? Shit and no. But, maybe more of these types of articles will get the ball rolling and perhaps force his hand a little. Come on Media!!! Make yourself not only relevant but useful again!!!

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Laughter is the Best Medicine...

Whoever said that obviously never had any percocet and budweiser. I kid. Anyway, in the interest of fairness we present the other side of the coin. Don't get used to it shitpony fans...

And seriously, read the comments, some are not only funny but true!!!!! Of course, they are made by total fuckfaces but still...

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Chargers vs. Giants?

Not sure if you guys saw this info.

I don't really believe in Jinxes, so I'm ok with it. I just hope that that thought process doesn't sink in too much with the players. Seems like they are all chanting the "one game at a time" mantra, along with the "we have to get off to a fast start" but hopefully they believe it and keep their blinders on.

Nice to get some respect though, I guess! And yes, it would be a fun matchup.