Funky Gamblotronic.

You try to tell me you don't love Yahoo! image search when that is the first picture that pops up when you merely type in the word "pick." Yeah, pick.

Now, cue crazy NFL picks show music, because the time is once again upon us to make concrete that which runs through my super fantastic (I would have said fantastical, but fuck Dane Cook, he steals his material.) Brain (Auto edit told me to capitalize brain; it must have known I was talking about mine). As I’m sure you noticed I got nearly half my picks right last week so I assume you believers out there are rich, like a million times over. For those of you who chose not to believe, fear not, I hold no grudge. Feel free to right your previous wrongs. Go ahead and gamble in thousand dollar increments on the bounty of picks below.

Jax @ Philly
I gotta tell you, my sheet says the Eggles are giving 6 and I don’t think that’s nearly enough. Then again, this is Jerksonville, so you never know what’s going to happen. Unless you are me.
Eggles 24, Jags 13

Tennessee @ Houston
This is how little respect Vegas gives the Jags; the Texans are 3 point dogs to the freaking Titans after clobbering Jerksonville last week. At home! Wali Lundy is pissed. Whatever that means.
Texans 34, Titans 17

Hotlanta @ Cincinnati
Cincy by 4.5. I can live with that. No way Vick throws 4 TDs again. More like 4 INTs. Seriously, the Bengals DBs are like WRs. It’s annoying cause we have to play them. Go to hell Bengals. In three weeks.
Bengals 27, Vicks 20

Tampa @ New York vaGiants
The vaGiants appear to be the class of the NFC East, which a lot like being the best horse semen collecter in the bizz. It’s nothing to brag about. Still, they’ve earned their 9 points of dominance here, and as much as Tampa has looked less sucky than they are lately…
vaGiants 31, Bucs 20

Frisco @ Chicago
I really hate spreads as obscene as 16.5. Just don’t like it in this day and age of football parity (Stupid word). Everybody thinks the Bears O is going to come out and prove something after that crappy Arizona outing. I think all they prove is that they kind of suck after all. Just not enough.
Bears 21, Niners 10

Arizona @ Green Bay
The Packers are only giving 3.5 in this one. Jump all over that. I’ve told you before, Favre handles bad teams. Especially at Lambeau.
Packers 35, Cards 23

Seattle @ KC
No QB? No RB? Sounds like KC by 6 is a pretty safe bet. Seneca Wallce will throw three TDs for the Chiefs this week.
Chiefs 28, Hawks 13

Baltimore @ New Orleans
If Drew Brees can’t hang up 30 on the Ravens’ overratedness I’ll eat my Charger hat, if I can find it. Seriously, if any of you have seen my Charger hat, leave your contact info in the comments section, cause I totally miss it. New Orleans by 2? More like…
Saints 30 (Exactly 30, eat your own hat.), Ravens 12

St. Louis @ San Diego
I hate this spread. The Chargers are 8.5 point faves. I hope none of the players saw that, because they may not even bother to show up then. You better not fuck this up Bolts. You better go out there and smack them around. But I know you’re not covering that spread. Bitches.
Chargers 35, Rams 31

Pitt @ Oakland
Poor Oakland. They get all happy against the Cardinals, only to get slapped around by Charlie Batch. You hear that Raiders, you are Charlie Batch’s bitch to the tune of 9 points!
Steelers 24, Raiders 9 (It feels like I pick them to score 9 every week. Can someone go back and check?)

New York Jets @ Cleveland
What kind of bizarre universe has the Jets as 1.5 dogs to the Browns? Bet the family business and your late Great Grandfather’s log cabin on this one. I’m not kidding; Sell your soul if you need cash for this one.
Jets 28, Browns 17 (The last Browns TD comes late. Don’t worry, it’s not even this close.)

Indianapolis @ Denver
Watch Denver’s defense completely shit themselves when they realize their opponent intends to actually attempt to use their offense. And succeeds! Seriously, I don’t care if they’re playing in Mile High or John Elways freaking living room, there’s no way the Broncos should be 3 point favorites here. Jake Plummer’s reign is over by halftime when Denver has to try desperately to get back into this game. They don’t, by the way.
Colts 34, Broncos 20

Cowgirls @ Carolina
Hey, let’s let Tony Romo get his first start ever against the Carolina Panthers on the road. And let’s see how far we can shove this screwdriver up our nose while we’re at it. Yeah, I think the Panthers can handle 5.5 here.
Panthers 34, Cowgirls 21

Monday Night
New England @ Minnesota
I really don’t want to pick New England here, but everybody keeps saying how freaking quietly fantastic they are. Also, their 2.5 favoriteness fits very snugly within my theory that they win or lose every game by a field goal. I hate you Pretty Boy Quarterbacking Club!
Patriots 20, ViQueens 17

Done. Some of you may be looking at those numbers and thinking, “Hey, those numbers are wrong.” Well, those are the numbers I’ve got on my pick’em sheet, so fuck you get your own sheet and do your own picks if you’re such hot shit! Yeah, I didn’t think so. Now go gamble already. Vegas is sad.