Friday, September 29, 2006

My Awesome Picks 2

The above was the first thing to come up when I typed "my awesome picks 2" into google image search. Yahoo is obviously cooler than google.

Here we go again, although I can’t imagine why. If you were paying attention last week, I went 4-10 against the spread. I didn’t include the spread in my post, but believe me that’s an accurate score. Overall on the season that makes me a sickeningly unworthy 19-27. Hmm, that would explain why the guys in my office pool are willing to extend me credit this week (I have the money, but I misplaced my check card(Okay, I left it in a bar in Coronado and I have no intention of going out there to get it. Leave me alone!)). Being the glutton for punishment I am, I ain’t skerred to give it another shot. No theme, just rambling, and I save the best for last. Let’s rock!

Hmm. Atlanta has no actual QB, but employ up to five running backs at any time. Arizona has a QB who can’t hold onto the ball and is obviously trying to be benched via the big turnover.
Falcons 24, Cards 13

New Orleans at Carolina
Oh, Jesus, what’s the point? This one is going to bite me in the ass all year long. Believe it. But, hey, New Orleans is living a miracle right now and I’m just happy to do my part.
Panthers 34, New Orleans 24

Minnesota at Buffalo
Oh God, talk about a dog. I want to call a 0-0 tie, but I’m gutless. Besides, both these teams can kick field goals and/or score on defense.
Bills 9, Vikes 7

Miami at Houston
Everybody’s calling this and I’m hopping on the bandwagon, because Miami can’t score. Even in Houston.
Texans 20, Miami 17

Dallas at Tennessee
Tennessee can’t win this game, but with all the distraction in Dallas this week I can’t see them giving 9 to the Titans. With or without the drama queen.
Cowboys 21, Titans 14

San Fran at KC
Both teams are somewhat decimated so I’ll give it the home team. Even though I don’t wanna. KC needs this win, and I think Johnson goes nuts here. Effing Arrowhead.
Chiefs 34, 49ers 17

Indy at New York Jets
The Jets aren’t as bad as people thought they’d be. Good enough to beat the spread at least.
Colts 31, Jets 24

Detroit at St. Louis
Get your head out of your ass, Bulger!
Rams 27, Lions 10

Jacksonville at Washington
I hate Jacksonville. I don’t believe in Byron Leftwich as a viable NFL QB. They are going to make me eat shit all year.
Redskins 20, Jags 14

New England at Cincinnati
Cincinnati really didn’t look like they were so hot last week. More like Pitt was giving it away a bit. Palmer is too hot right now and Julie De Rossi’s knee ligaments are going to hold up for the long haul. For New England,Tom Brady usually wins or loses by three points, so they should beat the spread here.
Bengals 24, Patriots 21

Cleveland at Oakland
Oakland is the worst team in football. Anywhere. At home, on the road. In space or at the Earth’s core. Doesn’t matter.
Cleveland 17, Oakland 7 (Yay! First TD. Losers)

Seattle at Chicago
I should know better than to bet against this year’s Superbowl champs (Last year’s too. God Damn officials!), but they’ve got to lose one, don’t they. Feel free to pop those corks ’72 Dolphins, if the Hawks can’t go undefeated, no one can!
Bears 27, Hawks 21

Green Bay at Philly Monday night
Don’t expect an Eli Manning-like 4th quarter out of Favre against Philly. In fact, expect them all to look bad.
Eagles 28, Packers 10

San Diego at Baltimore
Baltimore finally has to go up against team that has actually won a game this year. The mighty Bolts have an offense and a defense. Baltimore? Well, they have a defense. Ray Lewis has shocked the world and revealed that his unit will be focused on The Best Ever to try and make Rivers beat them. I think the youngster is up to the challenge.
Bolts 17, Ravens 10

Smoke all that, bitches! Go Bolts!!!

Four Hot Girls To Offset Four Big Douche Bags. Fair Is Fair.

This week’s edition of Inside the NFL Ran Over My Dog began predictably, with the floundering four lamenting that they did not have to time to properly show every news station, sports news station, news site, sports news site, news blog, sports blog, sports news blog, celeb gossip blog, this blog and your blog how to properly cover TO’s attempted suicide and subsequent cover-up. They did manage to get in a quick clip from TO’s press conference, which the whole world has seen a thousand times already, and a few seconds of prayer to ask the Lord to keep this story topical for another week so they can tackle it on the next show. This story won’t keep, though. For some weird reason everyone, including the police, is kind of saying, “Well it didn’t really happen quite the way we said, so let’s drop it. It’s a non-issue.” And in the biggest head scratcher ever, the media seems to be more or less buying it. But what are our boys at INFL saying? They all seem to pretty much agree that TO probably wasn’t trying to kill himself per se. Costas and Collinsworth think he needs to be psychologically evaluated, while Carter obviously prefers to give TO the benefit of the doubt. Marino goes into his usual in depth analysis and uses the word circus a bunch of times and now, thankfully, we can move on.

Time for our first big Story Inside the Story. This one’s a doozy, so strap in and get ready ,cause we’re about to drop some big time family drama on you. Last Sunday was the battle of the Hasslebeck brothers and mom and dad were there. I know, I know, they’re not the Manning boys of Hazzard county, and in fact Tim doesn’t even start, but come on. Tim is married to the cute little conservative chick from the View, so give him some credit there. Of course, she wasn’t there so I have to assume the either she’s filming Survivor All-Stars right now, or they’re on their way to a messy divorce. I’m just saying is all (Seriously, WTF does that phrase mean?). So Don Hasslebeck is about as boring as his kids, and momma has somehow managed to avoid gleaning any football knowledge out of being married to a former pro tight end and having two sons quarterbacking in the NFL. Christ lady, one of your sons won the Superbowl last year. Effing officials! They both talk about how hard it would be to root for this game if both kids were starting, and I’m thinking there is no need to ever worry about whose team you’re going to have to go see on Sunday folks. But if the vaGiants ever make the big game dad will be there on the sideline making some sort of comment about how Tim needs to turn his hat the right way. That is classic dad stuff!

In keeping with the boring theme, Costas and one of the other guys sits down with Lavar Arrington in the studio. Lavar seems like a nice enough guy, but please. Most of the interview is spent talking about Jeremy Shockey’s comments about poor coaching last week. Arrington admits that such comments can be detrimental to the team, but then goes to the oh-so-original “intense competitor” card. Then he says he believes that, when healthy, Shockey is the most prolific tight end in the game, and I have to go watch the rest of the show in the other room because I have accidentally hucked my shoe and jammed a lamp through the living room TV.

New Orleans vs. Atlanta. This one turns out to be a kind of mini SIS, with a couple of short clips of what the Average Joes they talked to last week felt about the win Monday night. Blah blah blah. During the highlights they leveled this amazing praise on Drew Brees. “Brees was efficient…” Wow. The fact is, though, that’s it. Brees has always been just efficient. Likeable and efficient. New Orleans is a feel good story unchallenged, but the funny thing is, the defense and special teams are really the ones handling this thing. Bush has had flashes, and Brees is there, but honestly, when your special teams block a punt and a field goal and your D shuts down a red hot offense, you don’t need a lot from anyone else.

Pittsburgh vs. Cincinatti. Time for vindication, because Carson Palmer hates the Steelers for what they did to his pa-I mean leg. The honeymoon is over for Big Ben, and after two bad games I think we can safely assume that he will never be good again and the starting job in Steelertown is Charlie Batch’s to lose. I wonder what Bill Cowher’s daughter thinks.

Carolina vs. Tampa. God damn you, Steve Smith. If you go out there and prove that one wide receiver can truly be the difference between shit and a championship caliber team, do you have any idea what it will do? I’m not sure either, but I know it ain’t good. Ass. Also in this game, Chris Simms spleen came out, which leads us to…

Collinsworth and the idiot brigade going over the role of team doctors. Collinworth points out that Simms had all of the classic symptoms of a spleen injury and yet they continued to let him play. He doesn’t really get into the fact that these are also the exact same classic symptoms of being a quarterback who’s been running around for three hours getting hammered by 300 pound men. Ultimately, the brain trust decides that there should be a team doctor and a player doctor on the sideline for every team, because what’s funnier than watching two doctors beat each other up on the sideline? Nothing.

Now Chris Collinsworth sits down with Carson Palmer, and I realize we might possibly escape this episode without a Peter King piece. Ooh, don’t jinx it! Anyway, Chrissy gets all up on Palmer’s taint while comparing his don’t tolerate bullshit attitude to that of three time Superbowl QB, Troy Aikman. Tom Brady has dibs on Montana comparisons so don’t even go there. Then they talk about “the play that everybody’s seen” while actually showing the play, just in case you’re not one of everybody. Here comes the tear jerker card, as they interview all the family members of Julie De Rossi, who was killed by a drunk driver and whose ligaments were used to repair Carson’s knee. What’s on tap for next week? Chester Taylor grew up next to a dog pound and had to listen to them euthanize puppies all night, and now he adopts all the puppies and takes them to children’s hospitals for the terminally ill children to play with. Hurray!

Now for some picks. Bengals-Patriots. Marino loves Brady and Belichek, while everybody else picks the Bengals and Cris Carter reminds us that after last weeks poor performance, the honeymoon is over for Tom Brady and he will never be good again. It’s time to bring in Matt Cassel, who ironically reminds coaches of a young Steve Young. Later Brady. You were always too pretty anyway. Go take you place on the Chiefs.

Back to highlights. Minnesota vs. Da Bears. Here’s the problem with this season of INFL in a nutshell. They claim to be dropping some games from their highlight reels in order to tackle human interest stories within the game, but then they spend five minutes highlighting a 19-16 game with only two touchdowns. After every play, some random player comes onto the screen to tell us exactly what we just saw. Is that for your female viewers?

Green Bay vs. Detroit. Who? Cares?

Washington vs. Houston. Pretty much the Clinton Portis show, and I can live with that. He’s fun to watch and I have him on my fantasy team. Has anyone noticed that David Carr is quietly putting up some very big numbers? Oh, right. Peter King has.

Time for the retard face-off. I don’t even know why they bother with this stuff. It’s all a big dumb joke that isn’t funny even if you totally get it. The first question is if the Texans could build a time machine, should they go back and get Reggie Bush? Whatever. The second question is who on the show said the Detroit Lions would have a tough defense this season? Ha ha, it was Chris Collinsworth. You’re the dummy-head, Chris. Question three is whose spent more time in custody, the Bengals or the cast of Goodfellas? I don’t remember ever hearing about anybody from the cast of Goodfellas being arrested, but I’ll take you word for it, you idiots. Last question: How will Dan Marino react if Brett Favre breaks his touchdown record?...I hate you, I hate you I hate you INFL!

Indy vs. Jacksonville. And there you have it, both Mannings, and Reggie Bush are 3-0 in highlights this year, with Ray Lewis losing his perfect season. Maybe next year, Ray. The big story in this game is Maurice Drew-Jones. Not because he had, like a million yards from scrimmage, but because he’s married to a man. Of course being the modern day kind of gal he is, he chose to hyphenate rather than give up his maiden name. You go, girl!

St. Louis vs. Arizona. Wow, Kurt Warner. 12 turnovers in 12 games? Your honeymoon is long over, you’re in about the 8th year of marriage and your wife is about to start looking for some strange. And you St. Louis? Not pretty. I’m looking at you Marc Bulger.

More picks. Carter fellates Ray Lewis and picks the Ravens over the mighty Bolts along with Chris Collinsworthless (Woo! I was saving that!), while Costas and the one-thought-wonder make the right choice.

Only Costas is smart enough to pick the Superbowl champion if not for the damn officials Seahawks over the Bears. They’re about to repeat, dumb-asses!

And we’re out. Before I go I would like to make a prediction for next week’s show. Even though no one will even be talking about TO anymore, you can rest assured that INFL will bring in Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura, Dr. Kevorkian, Dr. McDreamy and Neil Patrick Harris to analyze the shit out of the whole situation. And I’ll be there watching that crap festival just so all of you don’t have to. That’s just the kind of friend I am. Go Bolts!!!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Random Thoughts...

Since we as a footballing squad, absolutely trounced the bye week last Sunday, it's time for this week's random thoughts...

* Terrel Owens tried to kill himself last night. Then he didn't. Or he did? I'm not sure. Needless to say he's retarded at best.

* Terrence Kiel got arrested by the Feds yesterday for trying to sell codeine spiked beverages to a couple of parties in Texas. I was in Texas last week, and Mr. Kiel didn't try to sell me anything of the sort. Welcome back to the starting lineup Mr. Jue.

* Buck Martinez is one of the most annoying baseball analysts that has ever spoken into a microphone. That isn't opinion folks, that's a damned fact.

* Albert Pujols welcomed Cla Meredith to the bigs rather rudely this evening. Mr. Pujols, I hope you get a rash in an uncomfortable place tomorrow.

* The Dodgers continue to be a thorn in my boxer shorts.

* I'm quietly rooting for the Phillies. Unfortunately, they are quitting on themselves. Damn you Dodger pricks.

* Ray Lewis managed to avoid murder charges for another week. We'll see if they bring charges against the Bolts after we are through with them.

* Full comprehensive week profile and preview to follow. Now get back to work slackers.

That is all for now, stay tuned...


As a couple of people may remember, in the movie Mr.Jones, Richard Gear plays a screwed up mess of a man with manic depression. What nobody knows is that my batshit crazy ex-girlfriend and her batshit crazy mother were both extras in the movie during a scene that fittingly took place in a mental institution. Ever since, I get all kinds of uncomfortable when confronted with manic depresion and/or Richard Gear. What this has to do with football, you'll just have to read on to find out. Seriously, though, how deranged is it that someone took a picture of the VHS box for this little remembered movie sitting on a coffee table, and then posted it on the internet? Creepy.

It was a pretty heavy night on the police docket last night. We had one big story on a national level, and one on the local front. I’ve got a quick take on both, so let’s get the really big one out of the way first.

TO was taken to the hospital last night. Police found him shortly after exceeding the recommended dosage of pain killers he was given for his current wrist injury. When officers asked him whether he was trying to harm himself, TO allegedly replied that he was. Between me and you, if the word allegedly grates on you at all, avoid ESPN for the next couple of months.

A year or so back, I heard a theory that TO might in fact be suffering from manic depression. Extremely high highs and low lows. Untreated, manic depression often leads to suicide attempts. At the time the theory made sense to me, but whenever I brought it into discussions about TOs antics, people brushed me off as being dramatic. I wish I could remember who I’d heard that theory from, because I imagine they weren’t taken too seriously either. They certainly seem somewhat vindicated at this point.

Drew Rosenhaus definitely has his work cut out for him. Expect to hear a lot of phrases like “bad reaction to his medication” and “not lucid while addressing officers.” Sure Drew, if I’m not buying it, I doubt a lot of coaches and GMs will be. But you can’t blame the guy this time. Mental illness doesn’t translate well to professional football, regardless of the level of talent. Just ask Demetrius Underwood. All that being said, for once I find it impossible to root against TO. It’s hard to get down on a guy who appears to be suffering in a way most of us can not really fathom. I hope he gets the help he needs.

On to our boy Terrence Kiel now. Terrence was arrested yesterday afternoon during Chargers practice for transporting, possessing, and intending to sell a controlled substance. Way to supplement that NFL paycheck, ass face! Come on! You’re in the public eye to some degree. How stupid do you have to be? Let me guess, you hooked up one of your buddies so he could have his own NFL caliber source of income. That is tired. I have nothing else to say.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

All Saints. Seriously, That's Their Band Name.

Fine. If nobody else wants to say it, I’ll say it. For everybody who couldn’t figure out how the NFL could miss the opportunity for a regular season grudge match between Drew Brees and A.J. Smith, don’t be too hasty. It has become painfully obvious after last night’s Saintly whooping of Atlanta that the New Orleans Saints are going to the Super Bowl. It’s just a fact, people. Accept it. If you can’t accept it, let me break it down for you.

A) They have Drew Brees. He was the Chargers’ starting QB for a number of years, in case you don’t remember.

B) They have a couple of big time bust out playmakers in Deuce McCallister and Reggie Bush. A certain San Diego football team I know also possesses one or two big play threat type of guys.

C) Punishing run defense and a suspect secondary? Sound like any team you’ve ever heard of?

D) I think I’ve seen they’re kicker somewhere before!

Now, I’m not saying that the Saints are as good as the Chargers, but it appears they’ve put together a reasonable facsimile. You take a team based even loosely on a true story like the Blue & Gold, mix in a heaping bowl of emotion and you have to think that team is going to handle the NFC all year. So, good on you, Drew Brees. You aren’t going to win the Super Bowl, but you’ve convinced me we’ll surely see you sooner rather than later after all. Get on with your bad selves, Saints! But, more importantly, Go Bolts!!!

Monday, September 25, 2006

From the sports weekend...

Man, It's such a great time of year for sports. This weekend was full of action, so here are a few of my thoughts from the weekend.

MLB: Padres! What a great weekend for the Pads. Man, a sweep of the red (way too late) hot Pirates down the final stretch. Great! Also toss in Trevor Hoffman tying, then breaking the record at home for All-Time saves? Even Better! Oh, and a NEAR no hitter by CY along they way? Wow! Give the Padres credit for shaking off that home run derby debacle in LA, and coming together at the right time. It's rather non-Padres like, but it's sweet. As mentioned in the previous post by my homie CJ, the announcer during the near no hitter (NNH) was baffling me a little. It was funny. He tip-toed around the no-no talk for about 2 seconds, dipping his baby toe in, then before you could even blink, he was doing a double-gainer belly flop all over it. I haven't seen that approach before. It was like he was trying to use reverse-psychology on the Jinx. Well, jinx caught on. Oh well, Good on ya anyway, CY. Speaking of that announcer (Steve Quis), I'm sure it's been said many times before, but when they interviewed for that job, was it just a casting call for the best Vasgersian imitation? I guess we needed to groom a Vasgersion clone for when he leaves us and becomes the "Next Bob Costas"... To the untrained ear, Quis is pretty close. He's even started scooping up helpings of pop-culture references for good measure. Well, I'm an admitted Vasgersian fan (I'm not ashamed!), so if you're going to try to clone someone, I'd say he's a good choice. Anyway, a great weekend for the Padres, and hopefully they'll go back-to-back as division champs! They couldn't have ordered up a better momentum builder.

Golf: ugh. I spent quite a bit of time on Saturday watching that mess. I guess our sweater vests looked a little bit less goofy than their euro rain slickers. Well, no not really. Call that a push, but that's all we got.

NFL: Bye weeks are so sucky. It's like being sick on the weekend of a big party that all your friends are going to. And they call you from their cell phones and tell you all about it in real time, and you can hear the music and hear people laughing and doing shots and having a great time and all you can do is sit there and wish you were there. Thank God that is over. As for the NFL action that did occur, the Steelers Cincy game was pretty interesting. Steelers look ok, but not as good as last year. They've lost some luster. I'm not sold 100% on the Bengals yet, but I'm getting there. They look tough. I watched the Donkers vs. the Patriots on Sunday night. I admit that was a good win for the Broncos. They needed it DESPERATELY, and they got it. The Patriots looked out of whack, confused, and pathetic on offense. Since they were 2-0 going in, I reluctantly give some credit to Denver's D for that. I'm not sure if they really made it happen or if the Pats just had a horrible night, but I guess I'll give the benefit of the doubt to Denver D. OK, that's all they get from me... now on the other side- Denver nation may be doing backflips cause Jake forgot to turn it over a few times, but this still isn’t a great team. Where was Corey Dillon? He was absent? The game became one-dimensional, running the no-huddle shotgun pass every time. That’s all they did, and they didn’t do it well. The Denver defensive coordinator must have thought it was Christmas. And now for the other part of the game, the OFFENSE- man, if I were a Denver fan, I'd be worried. As much as Jake and his boys had the ball against a half awake Patriots team, all they could come up with was 17 points?? It took 3 games for Denver to get a TD, and their average score is about 10 points on O. That won't work against high some of the high-powered offenses in the AFC (Chargers, Bengals, Indy... etc). Broncos are still overrated in my book- they are better than about 1/2 the AFC teams, and worse than 1/2. But they are happy... for now. But I think their D is gonna get tired of trying to help this team win games with field goals.

Again, cheers to the bye week being over with, and to the Chargers getting back to business. I can't wait to have Raven for breakfast on Sunday morning!!! What goes better with that? Beer or bloody mary's?

Friday, September 22, 2006

The Mush...

Well, I don't want to make a habit of it but we here at this site are enormous Padre fans as well as SuperBolt supporters. Today was no different...

I'm a bit under the weather so I gave away my front row seats to tonight's game against the Pirates. It's the Pirates. I love baseball more than any human possibly should, but, it's cold, and courtesy of Southwest Airlines I'm ill, and yes, I'm an enormous bleeding hatchet wound.

So, I'm watching the game, reading. Nursing this death version of the flu mixed with a minor case of the e coli, and Chris Young is tossing a no no. The announcers, in all of their ineptitude have been blathering on about how the Padres have played 6,019 games in their history without ever having a no no. Keep blabbing idiots. You surely won't jinx him.

Into the ninth, with a perfect game*, the first out is recorded. Mind you, my front row seats are being occupied by someone who not only doesn't appreciate what's going on fully, but hasn't as of yet, with one out in the ninth, even had one beer. For shame.

Who strides to the plate? Joe Randa. Former Padre. Great. Just don't pull one of those Fuck Ass Phil Nevin routines when he played for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim via Huntington Beach Representing the Disney Conglomorate that is ESPN Nazis, and hit a home run to break up Sterling Hitchcock's bid for a no hitter. The last realistic attempt I can remember. Chris falls behind and Mr. Fuck Ass Version 2.0, knocks one out of the home run stingy doghouse, ending our closest opportunity for baseball immortality that I have seen in some time. Did I mention I gave my front row seats for this game away tonight?

Fuck. That's all I've got. Fuck. Fuck you Phil Nevin, and now, really, Fuck You Joe Randa. Thank you for taking a gigantic exploding diarrhea in my Cheerios you Fuck Ass.

6,020 and counting...

*one walk, who was then caught stealing. He faced the minimum after 25 batters. Ridiculous. Congrats Chris. Get Drunk tonight.

My Awesome Picks.

I kid you not, when I entered “my awesome picks” in the yahoo! Image search, the above picture was the first thing to come up. Whacky. Anyway, in order to illustrate just how bad I am doing in my pick’em pool, I will now share with you my predictions for this weekend of football. Comments in honor of Dan Marino and Chris Collinsworth.

Chicago at Minnesota
The resurgence of Brad Johnson, along with the additions of Steve Hutchinson and Chester Taylor give the Vikings a powerful offense that is ready to burst onto the NFL scene, big time.
Bears 27, Vikings 10

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Look for Ben Roethlissberger to get his game together against the division rival Bengals. Pittsburgh is always a monster at home. Expect that trend to continue.
Bengals 24, Steelers 20

New York Jets at Buffalo
Chad Pennington is already the comeback player of the year in my book. Look for his poise and surgical precision to give the Bills defense fits all day long.
Bills 20, Jets 14

Carolina at Tampa Bay
With Dan Morgan out for the season, look for the Tampa Bay Bucs to exploit the weak middle run defense of Carolina. Could this be the week that Tampa ends its touchdownless streak?
Panthers 17, Bucs 9

Green Bay at Detroit
Brett Favre has never been able to handle the really fast indoor surfaces and Detroit will be looking to take advantage of any bad decisions No. 4 makes. Would a beating in the Motor City by the lowly Lions force Brett Favre and the Packers organization to finally face some serious questions about the future?
Packers 24, Lions 10

Washington at Houston
While David Carr might spend more time on his back than a good Christian should, he is quietly putting up some very impressive numbers. On the other side, Mark Brunell looks like he might be close to being phased out. The Texans will load the box and stifle the returning Clinton Portis. Redskins 30, Texans 17

Jacksonville at Indy
Anybody who saw last year’s first match-up between these two knows that the Jags have Peyton Manning’s number. After convincing wins against a couple of serious playoff contenders the last couple of weeks, Jacksonville is the team to beat right now.
Colts 23, Jags 13

Tennessee at Miami
Tennessee is out to prove they are not the team that gave up 40 to the San Diego Chargers last week. Look for them to play fast and loose, injecting lots of Vince young into the game plan to open up the offense.
Dolphins 17, Titans 7

Baltimore at Cleveland
It normally takes a few weeks for players to gel. Don’t be surprised to see Charlie Frye, Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow really bring it together this week. And don’t forget Rueben Droughns!
Ravens 21, Browns 0

St. Louis at Arizona
I know I’m not the only one who called Stephen Jackson to win the rushing title, but I’m one of the few who’s sticking to it. Marc Bulger shakes off the rust in this match-up.
Cardinals 24, Rams 14

Philadelphia at San Francisco
What a difference a year makes! The acquisition of Vernon Davis, and the release of Kevan Barlowe to make room for Frank Gore have really breathed life into 2nd year QB Alex Smith and the 49er offense.
Eagles 34, Niners 17

New York Giants at Seattle
Seattle is going to win the Super Bowl.
Giants 24, Hawks 21

Denver at New England
Mike Shanahan’s Broncos don’t string together three bad games in a row. With Jay Cutler breathing down his neck, I expect laid back Jake Plummer to rocket into midseason form in this match-up.
Patriots 21, Broncos 13

Monday Night Football
Atlanta at New Orleans
America’s new sweethearts return to the Superdome. With the electric Reggie Bush and the stalwart Drew Brees expect an exciting homecoming with a healthy side of emotion.
Falcons 35, Saints 12

There you have it. Bet accordingly gamblers, its in the bag!

Not Buddy Ryan's Fat Sons.

Now for round 2 of Inside The NFL makes the Baby Jesus cry. The action starts out with the gang discussing a couple of the hot topics around the league. They begin with, you guessed it, Daunte Culpepper's struggles in Miami. As I figured, excuses were made. Injury and O-Line scapegoats were aplenty. Cris Carter felt expectations were too high. Sure, cause Culpepper is obviously still learning how to play at the pro level. The real head scratcher, though, came from Effing Dan Marino, who despite my own predictions, actually put some of the blame on the receivers for running poor routes. Riddle me this Dan, if the receivers weren’t where they were supposed to be, don’t you think they would have occasionally have been able to slip from Daunte’s tractor beam-like stare? After the Culpepper apologist hour, the fantastic four spent a couple of minutes tearing Mark Brunell a new butthole. I can’t exactly argue with that, but at least Brunell didn’t totally suck poo through a straw when he played last year.

First up in the highlights (you get nothing if you guessed right), the Youngest Manning versus the McNagles. I’m sure you can guess how this blowjob festival went. Admittedly, a good enough game to “earn” its way into the INFL highlight reel, so I can’t really complain.

Next up, Chargers-Titans. What? My fabulous Bolts? They must have realized we have a bye this week, so they risked not showing any Charger highlights until after week four. Well, they certainly made up for it by showing four, count them four, Chargers clips. A sack, a TD by Jackson, a TD by TBE and Michael Turner’s big run. Thanks for advertising that guy to the rest of the league. So, let’s see, no Merriman INT, no Jammer INT, No Parker amazing catch. F YOU, INFL! But really, thanks for the acknowledgement.

Now for our first SIS, I’m so freaking excited. This one is about the still photographer for the San Francisco 49ers, Michael Zagares (I think). What? Who cares? This is your idea of a story inside a story, INFL? Screw you. Anyway, the highlights were okay, the story bored me, and really the only thing interesting here was that the guy decided to dress like Freddy Krueger for his INFL moment. Seriously, hat and everything. Pretty sweet there, horror geek.

On to Bears-Lions. After two weeks, I think we can safely assume that Rex Grossman is a hall of famer and the Lions are bad. Real bad.

Next up this the Peter King Corner, or whatever they call that thing. First he discusses his favorite NFL subject, Brett Favre. King is convinced that Favre will remain with Green Bay and essentially feels it would be a horrible thing if Favre left to play somewhere else. Peter, we all hate to see our heroes fall. Next, King shows flashes of why we still pay attention to him by offering real insight into the Oakland Raiders situation. It starts with Al Davis not being able to get the coaches he wanted, not going and getting Bobby Petrino and having to settle for Art Shell, who has basically tried to resurrect the Raiders of old, personnel be damned. On the field, the QBs are taking to many deep drops for their line and are never dumping the ball to their running backs. Of course, even Cris Carter could have told you that.

Patriots-Jets, marking the second time the Jets have “earned" their way onto the program. I guess if your no-name receiver makes the most ridiculous catch and run in football, you’re in.

Saints-Packers. I’m sorry, everybody, but I have to rain on your parade here. The Saints are not this good. They are barely handling bad teams, and I think the Falcons are going to run all over them Monday night. But they had to show the Saints highlights for a second week in a row, because:

It’s time for the story of the week, the Katrina cryfest. The Superdome is back in business this week so INFL had to delve once again into Hurricane Katrina, otherwise known as National League Football’s greatest personal tragedy. I mean, does it drive anybody else crazy how the NFL has taken Katrina and made it their own? Could you imagine if Major League Baseball had a team in New Orleans? America’s pastime meets America’s tragedy. Look out! Someone move the Nationals to Louisiana before the season is over! I understand that this was a horrible thing, and I could never begin to imagine what it must have been like to live through Katrina, but doesn’t HBO have, like two other sports shows specifically designed to make you think and cry? I just want some damn football highlights with a bad ass voice over. Sheesh.

And just when I thought that we were going to get off this week with just one SIS, here’s comes the Raiders-Ravens game with Buddy Ryan’s fat sons. Rex Ryan is the Defensive Coordinator for the Ravens, and Rob Ryan is the Defensive Coordinator for the Raiders. They love each other like, well brothers, but are fierce competitors on the blah, blah, blah, blah. I have a soft spot for Buddy Ryan because years ago he socked Kevin Gilbride in the head on the Houston Oilers sideline, and that’s really all it takes to be a hero in my book. Sadly, he has one normal son, Rex, who runs a rock solid defense over there in Baltimore, and one retarded son, Rob, who took a job with the Oakland Raiders. That’s proof you’re retarded. It’s science. Bill Callahan super-sized my order the other day. Ding, fries are done!

The Seahawks-Cardinals highlights were solid gold. After INFL had to leave the Hawks out of their line-up last week due to their complete yawner, they made up for it in high fashion. Every sack was shown. 13 total clips and endless huddle shots, sideline shots and slow motion action abounded. Astounding. The Seahawks will definitely win the Superbowl this year, if the officials let them.

Cowboys-Redskins? I’m barely paying attention at this point.

Oh, I totally forgot about the part where Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum sat down to do some crossfire on random topics, and I’d like to thank my brain for allowing me to do that.

Last part of the show the guys make their picks. Dan blows Eli Manning and then picks against him because the Seahawks are totally going to win the Superbowl this year. Effing officials! Collinsworth blows the entire Jaguars defense, but picks the Colts to win because they’re on their way to their fourth consecutive Superbowl victory.

That’s it, I’m done. I hope all six of you appreciate the bullet I take by watching this show for you. It absolutely murders my brain.

Chargers 1000, Bye Week suck it. Go Bolts!!!

Car Ramrod Anyone?

Tell me this isn't the kid from Junior High who stole the new kids' pudding cups. Okay, it was my pudding cup, but that was a long time ago. In reading the article about the Foley shooting in the U-T today, Officer Mansker of Coronado PD here, seems to be desperately covering his ass. I have my doubts about his story. Unfortunately for Foley and his "accomplice," booze were involved. And everybody knows the only thing more evil than drinking is smoking. Still, Palomar Community College Police Academy graduate Mansker is going to lose his job over this. I mean seriously, is it a good idea in this situation to say you pull people over all the time when you're off duty? Do you call them chicken fuckers? Me-ow.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Your Seat Is Hot Fisher. Even Hotter Than Lauren.

Jeff Fisher comes out and says that Billy Volek is a liar. He says he has never been this candid concerning a player before, but that he feels that Volek threw the Titans organization under the bus. That would be a step above the gutter they’re actually in right now, but that is neither here nor there. One can really only speculate as to what the actual truth is here, especially since Fisher, while claiming to be overly candid, won’t give any details whatsoever. Being a huge fan of speculation, I will go ahead and do that. What we know to be fact is the following:

1) Billy Volek has been on the Titans roster since 2000.

2) Volek took over 500 snaps in the last season while backing up Steve “This is what they call an offense in Baltimore” McNair, posting a 3-7 record as a starter.

3) Overall numbers, a respectable 312 - 517 3505 yds, 60.3 comp%, 26 TD, 13 INT, 86.9 QB rating.

4) Titans draft Vince Young in the first round, signifying that Volek will not be their starting QB of the future. Grumblings allegedly begin.

5) Titans pick up Kerry Collins, signifying that Volek will not be their starting QB of the present. Volek asks for trade.

There you go. You really can’t blame Volek for wanting to be traded. Can you honestly get down on a guy for believing he’s good enough to be a starter? Fisher says Volek was demanding a trade constantly, which is why he was demoted. Well, even if this is true, so what? I a league where J.P. Losman, Charlie Frye and Byron Leftwich are starting QBs, what’s so wrong with trying to muscle yourself into having a shot? Or at least being appreciated, which I think he will be here in San Diego?

I’m sure Fisher understands Volek’s position. Unfortunately, Fisher is in a predicament. He’s on the the scorching red hot seat, and he knows it. The fans are grumbling, because even with a 3-7 starting record, Volek has to be a better starting option than Vodka Collins. Volek knows the players and he knows the system. Fisher may have done what he had to do, may have had his hand forced, but his candor is indicative of a man desperately in need of excuses for the disarray his team is in. You should have asked me, Jeff. I’ve got a doozy. Look the media in the eye and lay this one on them:

“The Chargers are going to make a whole lot of teams look that bad this season.”

That should buy you some time. In the meantime, thanks for getting our new back-up up to speed.

Now on to my quick-hit rebuttals. Since my cohort CJ rarely gets his ass in gear to rock a little content, I have to enjoy it when I get the chance.

* CJ, do I have to intervene every time I see some Raven fan standing next to you in the bar? Remember, it’s still murder if you have someone else do it for you.

* Infidel!

* I will be happy to kick you in the -Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey!

* If your team, which just so happens to be my team, gives up four straight home runs in the ninth to tie the game, you get what you deserve.

* Carolina is a traditionally slow starting team. Are you buying that, cause I’m really selling it? Lose to Tampa, though, and I sneak back and substitute Bears for Carolina all over my early picks.

* This Megan Vasconsellos really grinds my gears.

* I am not a good gambler, unless you ask the house. I lose a lot less playing fantasy ball, so I’ll stick with my geeky pastime. Ass face!

* I’m also a bit of a fan…Ass face!

Go Bolts!!!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Some Random Thoughts Entering the Bye Week...

* Why is it that when you pound nobody teams, “experts” still doubt the power of the Bolt. What? Do you want us to pound them by 70? I think we should…

* Ray Lewis may or may not have killed someone, or two someones. Okay, fine, he didn’t do it. Does that mean I can’t call him murderer anymore? Can I do it the week we play them at least?

* Not to get all political here, but that Ahminidhjhabad guy from Iran would be taken a lot more seriously if he’d talk with his eyes open. Well no, that’s not really true.

* I saw a guy this weekend try to stop a bloody nose, like a faucet bleeding nose, with a tampon. Yes, he was on a lot of drugs ‘allegedly’…Kick me in the face if I ever channel Rome again.

*Mary Buckheit of ESPN Page2 should fall down in a patch of Texas Red Fire Ants and fail to ever get up.

* Everyone is awfully quick to get off the Carolina Bandwagon.

* Everyone should read Kissing Suzy Kolber Now go do it ass.

* Everything after this week should get easier if you consider gambling on football any kind of entertainment. If you Fantasy Football Masturbators would try that you wouldn’t give any more of your time to that garbage.

* I love football season…

This Came Out More Serious Than I Though It Would. Oh Well, I Wrote It For Me Anyway.

It occurred to me that during this bye week I might be interested in hearing about how I feel about some of the other teams and issues in the NFL. So, to appease my curiosity I’ve decided to delve deep into my football mind and deliver some heavy NFL insight to…well…myself. Feel free to read along.

For those of you who don’t know, I hail originally from Minnesota. Now, I only lived there for the first few years of my life, but seeing as a great many relatives of mine reside within the Land of Ten Thousand Lakes (total lie, I swear there’s twenty thousand), I do feel an affinity for Minnesota sports franchises. The Twinkies have been an entertaining, competitive baseballing squadron for the last several years, and the Queenies…well, the Queenies are a football team. You can tell by the uniforms and the frequency which they are witnessed combating other football teams. All that being said, a logical place to begin my foray into all things not San Diego Chargers would be with the Minnesota ViQueen football club. Too bad they bore the snot out of me right now. So, let’s talk about a loosely related topic in Daunte Culpepper and the Miami Dolphins.

After acquiring Daunte Culpepper in the offseason, so many people picked the Dolphins to advance to the playoffs-maybe even the Super Bowl-that I actually had to go back and check last year’s AFC playoff roster to see where they were seeded. Imagine my surprise when I found that they had, in fact, somehow managed to miss the playoffs altogether. So why all the praise and prediction? I’ll tell you why. Two completely unrelated reasons. They finished last year’s campaign with a six game winning streak, and they signed Daunte Culpepper.

As far as end of the season winning streaks go, when teams who are more or less out of the playoff picture pull them off, I personally believe they don’t mean jack. Teams with nothing to lose tend to play with a ferocity and tenacity that comes with having nothing to lose. They go into spoiler mode, because that’s the only real joy of playing when your season’s over. I’m not saying Miami didn’t have the foundation to be a legit contender this year, but the problems they had in the off-season were obvious precursors to a letdown.

First off, they lost Ricky Williams. Again. This guy might not be the same kind of cancer as TO, but when it comes to cancer, all kinds pretty much suck the life out of you. So far, Ronnie Brown has not shown the world that he is capable of shouldering the whole load, and I’m not sure he ever will. Uhh, didn’t he split time with Cadillac (who also looks like he might not be living up to expectations) in Auburn? What made anybody think he’d ever pull of a one man show in the bigs?

Next, and most importantly, was the changing of the guard behind center. Now, I’m not saying Gus Frerotte is any kind of Pro Bowl passer or anything, but he has always been solid in a solid system. He’s fairly accurate, he can throw the long ball, and when he’s not banging it against the wall and giving himself a concussion, he keeps his head cool. Unfortunately, much like the Bills when they ended 2004 with a similar streak and decided to ditch Drew Bledsoe, the Bills felt they needed a less than obvious upgrade. Completely disregarding his poor level of play to open up the 2005 season, the Dolphins answered Minnesota’s prayers and took Culpepper off their hands. Now, I’m sure there are a lot of people in Minnesota that were pretty pissed when they let him go, but believe me, most of them knew that unless Troy Williamson turned into Randy Moss, Culpepper was never going to be the same quarterback he was in ’04. I’m not talking about those guys in the deep north woods who think Rush Limbaugh’s a hippie and that Doug Williams scoring 35 in a quarter vs. the Broncos was some kind of civil rights conspiracy. I mean real football fans knew that Randy Moss got after Culpepper’s bad passes. He took interceptions away from receivers. He out-jumped the field. And when he wasn’t on the field, teams covered the run, letting Culpepper keep his numbers up. Culpepper stares down his receivers and most receivers can’t help him then. No Moss, no chance. Now, Culpepper is a nice guy and the league and its writers love him and they’ll make excuses for his poor play. His line will get a lot of the heat, because you can’t really fault talents like Randy McMichael and Chris Chambers, but Miami fans better hope the coaches aren’t biting. If they are, and they let Culpepper run up a couple of more losses, all the fans will have left to hope for is Joey Harrington leading them on another meaningless win streak at the end of the season.

Wow. Was that harsh?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Let The Billy Volek Era Begin!

The Chargers have just acquired Billy Volek (a.k.a. the happiest person on the planet right now) from the lowly Titans for an undisclosed draft pick. That makes a lot more sense than the Billy Volek for Charlie Whitehurst rumors that were floating around. I like this move. That's a solid back up, right there. I've got to ask, though, what's with the 'undisclosed' stuff? Why all the secrecy? Typical A.J. Go Bolts!!!

Who Needs This Ass Hat? We've Got It Covered.

Yesterday Tim Sullivan submitted this column to the San Diego Union-Tribune. Essentially, Sullivan feels that the Chargers defensive front seven is deserving of their very own nickname. Something fierce, reminiscent of the Steelers’ Iron Curtain of yore. As much as it pains me to admit, I have to agree with Mr. Sullivan here. This group does deserve its own nickname, and not the recycled, unimaginative “Magnificent 7” the UT coined them as a few weeks back. Why not just, “The San Diego Steel Curtain?” Timmy doesn’t do much better. Here’s a few of his suggestions for you:

The San Diego Concussion Company - Just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? And I’m sure that won’t elicit any extra officiating attention from the NFL. Those guys have a great sense of humor.

The Bruise Cruise - Not without Fred Smoot, you don’t.

Blue Steel - Blue Steel? Been watching a little too much Cinemax After Dark lately, TS? “She was a lady cop, on the trail of a sexy killer…Blue Steel.”

The Border Patrol - You’ve got to be kidding me. In a league where someone’s trying to get the Redskins to change their name every year? I don’t think so.

Just ugly stuff. Let’s get creative. Let’s think outside the box here, people. Try this one on for size:

Sherwood Forest - “You can’t get through Sherwood Forest, because there’s Merriman everywhere.”

Snap! You know that shit is ill. Use it. Go ahead, say it to that cute chick who hangs out at the bar on Sundays pretending she knows about football. She will totally have sex with you for being so clever and original. You’ll probably need to explain it several times, but once she gets it, you’ll get it. Seriously, go ahead. Have fun with it. I don’t mind if people use my boundless wit to score themselves some tail. Just don’t try to make any money off of it, because I will sue the crap out of you. I am a red blooded American after all. Go Bolts!!!

Monday, September 18, 2006

That's A Charger Girl. Look How Dedicated She Is, Even In Her Leisure Time. Are You?

Don’t give me that crap about who we’ve played. Baltimore hasn’t played anyone either, but suddenly everybody claims to have picked them to go to the Superbowl and just forgot to write it down. And no, Tampa Bay isn’t anybody, by the way. Baltimore has been impressive, though. In fact, regardless of how bad the Titans, Raiders and Bucs are, both the Ravens and the Chargers deserve the praise they’re getting. Good teams beat bad teams. The Ravens and Chargers are killing bad teams. Seriously, if those other teams were baby Harp Seals, PETA would be falling all over themselves trying to rescue them. Crazy rich activists would be trying to buy up all the tickets to all the games so that they wouldn’t have to play them. What will the Bolts and the Poes do to each other? I’m all atwitter with anticipation.

This Philip Rivers kid is pretty good. Sure, he missed some golden opportunities and probably should have got the team into the end zone a couple of more times, but all in all, he looked pretty sharp. He certainly has a knack for rolling to his right and hitting McCardell. How many times did they run that play? And how is it that the Titans didn’t see it coming even once. Ouch. It will definitely be interesting to see how ole Rollout does against the sure to be a bit more insistent pass rush of Baltimore. I have to say, I will be surprised if we hang 40 on them.

The Best Ever continued to be…well…the Best Ever against the Titans. For all you geeks out there that took Larry Johnson first in your fantasy drafts, I just want to say I’m murdering my league with TBE. Neener, neener, neener. Something tells me TBE will find a way to be the first player to find the Ravens end zone this season.

Speaking of running backs, The Burner continues to be explosive when he merely needs to be there. You can’t tell me the Titans didn’t know he was out there to run the ball up the middle and eat clock. I certainly don’t think we were trying to roll it up on them.

Gates was Gatesian, although there were a couple of times where, if Rollout would have hit his spot, he could have broken out big time. Parker had an outstanding grab down the middle. That guy is going to thrive as his quarterback matures. McCardell was a first down machine, and Floyd and Big Vinny saw a little action as well, with Floyd looking like he may be the real deal there.

Shawne Merriman, who I’ll be referring to as Manimal in honor of his beastly play on the field as well as the great TV series of the same name, showed off more skills. He reminded us all that Manimal isn’t all tits and ass and sacks, and while he is those things, he’s also about INTs and swatting balls to the ground. His interception, where he actually turned invisible to get Kerry Collins to try to throw the ball through him, was nothing short of Biblical. The sad part is that the second he caught that ball A.J. Smith was on the phone offering up Donnie Edwards to the local Liquor Barn for a case of Hamm’s and a pack of Swisher Sweets.

The ultimate shocker prize of the day goes to Quentin Jammer. During the third quarter Jammer flew in and broke up a pass. Inexplicably it seemed, he began running around the field, avoiding Titans players to the best of his ability. At first I thought that this was the weirdest defensive celebration I’d ever seen. Had QJ lost his marbles. Then I realized that Jammer actually had the football. Instead of merely deflecting it to the ground with his hands and/or chest, he retained possession of the ball, accomplishing what other teams in the league refer to as a Defensive Back Intercepting the Football (DBIF). Look at him already earning that $25 million. You go, Quentin Jammer! Here’s to hopefully lots more DBIFs in the future!

Nate Kaeding kicked, like about a dozen field goals and extra points. Good job.

Mike Scifres punted some times. Well done.

All in all, a fantastic effort from the greatest football team to take the field since the game was played by actual Titans and their opponents were actual Gods who hurled actual lightning bolts. That’s how you start a season. Way to do the job, boys. Go Bolts!!!

Friday, September 15, 2006


Have a bad ass football weekend! Go Bolts!!!

It's Your Lucky Friday! You Get A Girl And A Story! Hurray!

That Scarlett Johansson is a saucy little minx, isn't she? Now for the bad news. Here comes the cussing.

Welcome to the first installment of, “What the fuck happened to Inside the NFL? I swear to God I nearly kicked a hole in my TV last night. One of my great joys in life used to be sitting back and watching the Thursday night show. Especially when the Chargers are good. Especially when the Chargers are winning. I was skeptical when they dropped guys like the pleasantly spastic Jerry Glanville and mafia thug Nick Buoniconti for the low watt duo of Dan Marino and Chris Carter. I nearly folded my cards when the brought in imperial suck-up Peter King. But I persevered because I still liked Costas, loved to hate Chris Collinsworth, and could never get my fill of their amazing highlight reels, which always showed angles on key plays that no network camera hack could ever capture. The voice of Harry Kalas, while he’s no John Facenda, wrapped the whole thing together in a nice tight bow. Good, quality stuff. Well, after last night I will only watch this show to mock and ridicule it until whatever woman who is running that outfit completely buries it. I knew it was bad when Costas, who has become a caricature of himself while tenuously grasping his youth (Sorry, Bob, you’re looking old), prefaced the whole affair by explaining the new format or philosophy or whatever. You’re going to see less highlights. Not all of the games will be covered. Your team needs to perform their way into Inside the NFL. You see, they want to bring out the more human element of the game, so some of the highlight match-ups are going to contain the story inside the story wrapped up in the- Oh God, whatever, we’re fucked. Here’s what you may have missed.

The open the highlights with the Steelers-Dolphins game. As I’m sure you can guess, the big story inside the story(SIS) there is Dante Culpepper’s amazing comeback from a severely shredded knee. The massive rehab. Learning a new system. This is football. Oh wait. That wasn’t the SIS at all. The SIS here is Bill Cowher’s effing daughter. How growing up every Sunday was take your daughter to work day. About how she was just the most adorable armchair QB ever, and how even now she is rabid in her love for football. This went on for about 5 minutes before they actually show any of the game. Then, after every Steeler play they have to show darling daughter’s reaction up in the box! F YOU, COSTAS!

Apparently, the Saints-Browns game was highlight worthy, cause it was in there. What a load of Bullshit. Yeah, yeah, Reggie Bush. Go to Hell. They showed the Ravens beat the crap out of the Bucs. I’m sure that was Peter King’s pick. He loves that asshat murderer.

Then they did a Pat Tillman memorial. Sort of. Actually, it wasn’t a memorial at all. It was Peter King trying to get Jake Plummer to say he hates the government. It was all about the “cover up.” About how devastated everyone was to have learned the TRUTH. Am I the only one in the world who thinks that we’d all be better off believing that Tillman died storming a hill for his country, instead of knowing that, unfortunately, he died due to the sad reality that in combat, sometimes things don’t go exactly the way their supposed to. But the media needed everyone to know the truth. They needed their own version of a hero. Someone who’s story made the government look as bad as possible. I get the feeling no one will be happy until Bush comes out and admits that he shot Tillman, in the Oval office, because Tillman was a super secret agent for Democracy who was about to blow the lid off the great oil conspiracy once and for all. Sorry to get all political on you, but Inside the NFL started it. F YOU, KING!

On to the next SIS, Kevin Mawae’s brother died. In Iraq. That is sad. I genuinely feel bad for Kevin Mawae. I would be devastated if my brother were killed. But honestly, to intersperse “highlights” from the Titans-Browns game with 5 minutes worth of Kevin Mawae talking about his brother was a pretty big downer. Especially considering they lost the damn game. Hey Inside the NFL, why don’t go for the old paper cut and lemon juice treatment while you’re at it?

Now for my favorite part of the show. The Retard Face-Off, where Dan Dan the Isotoner Man Marino and Chris Carter (I have no nickname for Chris Carter at this time, but I’d like to point out that he is living proof that you can spend over a decade in the NFL without garnering any workable football knowledge whatsoever) debate the critical NFL issues of the week. Ooh. Nothing too surprising here, other than the fact that both of these knuckleheads were savvy enough to agree that it is unlikely Bill Parcells will sit Drew Bledsoe after one off week against a solid Jacksonville D. So there you go fantasy geeks. Don’t start Romo, Bledsoe’s getting another shot. Also, I was a bit in awe at the confidence with which Danny Boy picked Seattle to represent the NFC this year, despite their rather unconvincing 9-6 yawner against the LIONS. Thank God Pittsburgh won Thursday or Marino might have had to dig into his bag of original thoughts for his Superbowl picks. Kidding, no such bag exists.

Just to twist the knife, they finish up the highlights with Philly beating the tar out of the Texans and went on to show their week 2 picks, but only for about 6 or 7 games. Gee, I guess they want you to go their website to see the rest. After a two minute diatribe on who knows what by the oh-so-grating Lewis Black, the show ended and I was ready to go wash my toaster in the bathtub.

In closing, they only showed highlights for about half the teams. Included in those highlights were clip from games involving such compelling teams as the Browns and the Texans. So, unless your team includes Reggie Bush, one of the Manning brothers or America’s favorite murderer, don’t bother tuning in to this horse shit. Of course, I can be sure to see Charger highlights next week, because if Steve Foley isn’t the SIS, I don’t know what is. I can't believe that Chris Collinsworth is the best thing about this show.

Quick prediction based on the fact that the Titans can’t possibly be any worse or even as bad as the Raiders: Chargers 34, Titans 16. Go Bolts!!!

Yep, It's week 2...

So, while sweating in the rain in Texas, I came across this gem. Robert Gallery and his Commitment to Suckitude, or Mediocrity, or the Doormats as it may be, is out for 2 to 3 weeks due to a strained calf. It appears that not only can no one block the monster that is Shawne "I'm Better than Junior" Merriman, but he gets hurt when he even attempts to do so. I really love the Raiders, it's fun to have their laughable program in our division.

It appears that I will be the only one of us to actually see the Titans game this weekend. Between shots of Jack Daniel's and hanging out with rockstars, I will attempt to post coherent analysis of the game. If I can beat the groupies off of me long enough to watch the slaughter you will know about it. This is my commitment to all of the six people who enjoy reading this drivel. Oh, and it's 95 degrees and raining, but that will not keep me from my duties here as football critic. Thank you and enjoy your day...

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Hef Can Afford To Bring All Of His Friends. I Wish I Was Hef's Friend.

So, I missed this gem of an article in the Union-Tribune yesterday. I missed it because I try to not really ever look at the U-T anymore, because it’s usually loaded with fluff and bullshit like, “A.J. Smith don’t take no guff,” and “Bruce Bochy doesn’t at all manage the Padres like they’re a little league team.” I wish I had read this article, though, because I could have used the ammo in some of the conversations I was having last night about why Sunday’s Charger game is likely to be blacked out locally. Of course, nobody was arguing with me, but I treat every conversation like a debate, which is why I’m such a joy to be around. Seriously, if you tell me my mother is an angel, I will probably try to point out why she may, in fact, be a whore. That’s just how I roll.

The gist of this particular piece of U-T tripe is about the how and the why of this weekend’s potential blackout. The U-T points out the ridiculous ticket packages that management makes people buy as a possible reason, but stops short of actually pointing any fingers. Chargers COO Jim Steeg theorizes that perhaps people believe the game is sold out. He is pretty sure that it has little to do with the absurd ticket packages or the price increase during the off-season. Seriously, he took the crack pipe out of his mouth long enough to actually say those things to the media. Sure, Jim. I know I had people coming up to me left and right yesterday saying, “I really want to go spend a shitload of money to see the Chargers beat up on the lowly, starless Titans this Sunday, but I have to assume that contest is sold out.”

Let’s break down what is going on here. THE CHARGERS WANT TO LEAVE TOWN! They want to leave town and make the most money they possibly can on the way out. They sell a bunch of preseason tickets at full price to people that want to see the team play a contender like the Steelers, but fail to sell out games against the league’s retards, like the Titans, so they are free to say this town doesn’t support the team. We are being fleeced, and in the end we will have nothing to show for it. They’ve priced out the regular fan. When it’s going to cost me $150 or more to enjoy a full day at the stadium, you can bet I’m not going to waste it watching the filthy Titans. And families? Forget about it. This team claims it can’t make money in San Diego, and I’m here to call bullshit. Bullshit to any organization that has strong-armed it’s hometown into purchasing a state of the art stadium. I hope you all know this, but in case you don’t:

With the very rare exception of teams like the Montreal Expos or the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, professional teams make a shitload of money for their owners!!

They may not make mad money as far as operating costs versus ticket revenue (although they probably do), but there are a hundred other ways they make money by owning a team. These are business men. They did not make enough money to own sports teams so they could lose all that money.

Be all that as it may, I intend to find one of those guys outside the stadium who always claim to need tickets, but are willing to sell the ones they already have. I’m going to try to get one for around $50. I will then take the $30 I saved and change it out to quarters. Then I will take my baseball sized wad of quarters and, using the tomato can rocket launcher I built when I was 9, I will fire it through the owner’s box window and see if I can’t wing me a Spanos. Greedy bastards! Quit screwing with my true love!

On another note. As we are on the subject of greed, I must apologize. I have a bit of a hangover, and my favorite hangover game is introspection. During this morning of self revelation I realized that I judged the coaching in Monday night’s game perhaps too harshly. It may have been a bit boring to watch The Best Ever run repeatedly into nine guys during the third quarter of that game, but who am I to judge a performance that netted my team a 27-0 win? A fool, that’s who. Hurray to the Chargers players and coaches for a game well fought and won! Hurray for many more to come! Go Bolts!!!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

We Are Better Than The Raiders.

Let me preface this post by saying there was no actual infanticide during the Monday Night Football game. We were in a bar, and the only way to get a baby inside would have been to sneak it in under our coat. What kind of person would sneak a baby into a bar just in case their team pisses them off and they need an extreme outlet for their anger? Maximum Colossus is no such monster. (You’ve got to spell it out for the masses, C. J. Collectively, they’re a bunch of idiots. Hey, they can’t read it if I put it in quotes, can they?)

I don’t really have much else to say that hasn’t been said. You can’t be too unhappy with a shutout against arguably your most hated rival, even if said rival looked like it had been hit by a bus. Aaron Brooks spent most of the game writhing around on the turf like Steve Buscemi hit him with the Buckwheats in the first quarter. That O-line got pretty big ups by the paid sports media during the preseason, what with Gallery going back to his college spot on the line. Come Monday morning that line, which from this point forward I will refer to as Linda for blowing like that, reminded me of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s jock boyfriend in Can’t Hardly Wait after he dumped her. I’m pretty sure one of those writers in there called Linda a fag.

On the flip side, the Chargers reminded me of J. Love’s breasts in I Know What You Did Last Summer. Awesome! Totally freakin’ awesome! I mean, sure, we’ll have to wait at least another week to see if our O-line can protect Philip Rivers for more than a handful of plays, but all in all, it looked good. I was also a little flustered that Marty decided not to test his young QB in the game, and instead hoard a 13 point lead against a team with some big play weapons. We don’t have much time to get him accustomed to the passing game before we go up against Baltimore, so it might be a good idea to take it out on the bad teams. Rivers looked great when he was allowed to throw, but those opportunities were just too few and far between for my tastes. Also, we may need Tomlinson later in the season. Solid ‘A’ effort, though, guys!

So, next Sunday we play the Titans. I’m not going to go too heavily into that right now, but I’m sure over the next couple of days, you’ll hear stuff like, “Oh, Kerry Collins, we can totally kick his ass,” and, “Titans, Schmitans, we will piss all over that poor excuse for a footballing club!” Go Bolts!!!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Monday Night Madness...

Week One is officially upon and behind us. Football is back. I couldn’t be happier. Today was spent anticipating the large division rivalry that has defined our team for years and years. It’s Raider Week. For the first time in a long while we enter this game with a tremendous question at quarterback. Will he or won’t he be any good? For the last handful of months we have tossed theory after theory back and forth about this one. None of us here were worried about it. What did we find out? We found out that we are going to have to wait until the coaches are ready for us to find out…

Raider week began with a bang. Our recipe for success, LTD x 31. He managed 99 total yards in the first quarter. What? You’d think that with a rookie at the helm that the Commitment to Mediocrity coaching staff would key on LTD. Not to be. Boy Wonder did what he does and he did it well.

Now, far be it for me to be critical… yeah, that’s pretty funny, but well, everyone is going to get a “Get Foley Out of Jail Free Card” tonight, and they are not going to be subject to the midseason criticism that I would normally unleash upon them. It’s kind of difficult to be hypercritical of a game plan that nets you a 27-0 victory in the season opener. But, with all due respect (and yes that means everything from here on out is meant with the utmost disrespect) the coaches were maddening tonight. They had driven Max Colossus to baby killing in the third quarter, and I right behind him volunteering to hold the infant girl down while he bludgeoned her with a mag lite. By the time the third quarter clock was winding down, I was ready to sacrifice all small felines in my neighborhood at the expense of Marty and his ‘gameplan’. This was one of the most unsatisfying 27-0 shutouts I have ever experienced.

There were some positives. Well, a positive. The defense. The defense was miraculously vicious. Shawne the Maniac was all over the field making Aaron Brooks his bitch. Seriously, if those two were in prison, Brooks would be limping in the yard mumbling something about trading his first born for some lube. The defense got to various quarterbacks wearing Silver and Black 9 times. Nine Times? Niiiiiinnnne Times. Ridiculous. Dick Vermiel said he had never seen an offense that ‘Inept’. You have to think if that was his offense he’d be bawling like Herm Edwards will be in three weeks. Not to mention, when Error Brooks did throw the ball in a forward motion, the secondary looked prepared and professional and made plays on the ball. There were zero, zero, pass interference calls on the gang. Zero. I can’t believe I can type those words without slamming my fist into the keyboard over and over again. To top it all off, the boys were wiping their cleats off on the field all night long. It took me a while for me to figure out what they were doing. A team bonding moment? Perhaps. But, in the world of talking shit, they were wiping their feet on the doormat that is now the Oakland Raiders. Yes, they are officially to be known as the Doormats from now on. I can’t believe that they have fallen so far. It’s damned fun to watch.

The glaring issue at hand is the quarterback. When allowed to throw, all eleven times, he looked decent. He threw some great passes to McCardell, Parker and Gates. He even got himself a touchdown with not one but two throws on the same drive. That doesn’t sound like a big deal, but, when you watch the team run the ball 2975 times in the third quarter, you begin to wonder what the hell is going to happen when the Doormats aren’t on the surface across from the squad. Maybe the coaches have a plan, I’ll wait and see, and revel in our 27-0 shutout of the newly crowned Doormats.

Oh, and I won another bet, this time a Doormat Faithful will be sporting a Bolt Foam Finger at the home game this season. Fortunately, I will not have to don the Doormat jersey at the same game with the aforementioned 27-0 shutout. It’s just fun to type, 27-0 SHUTOUT. Sorry.

Side note (and more on this later): We had the pleasure of meeting the girl responsible for Foley’s attempted murder. We’ll deal with her later, but it’s “rumored” that he was quite drunk. Still doesn’t add up that the off duty campus patrolman didn’t flash a badge or have available backup, but yeah, that situation is getting sorted out real soon.

Revel in this for a day, for we have a short week…I’ll sign off with my favorite word of the night…


And They're Off!

So, I guess we can all thank Clinton Portis for a pretty shitty opening round of football. I don't know about you, but to me it sure looked like more than a handful of starters could have used a little more work in the preseason. If that isn't the case, then we can safely assume that Baltimore will face the Falcons in the Superbowl, since those teams pretty much murdered teams that were considered to be legitimate contenders. And speaking of murder, you'd think that after all the off season criminal activity in Cincinatti that they would know better than to try to kill a guy on the field like that. I mean, it wasn't exactly the opening scene from The Last Boyscout, but I think it might draw a fine regardless. That play, coupled with the fact that the Broncos were beaten to death by Jeff Wilkins and the Rams defense pretty much makes the AFC West a one horse race. I can live with that.

In lighter news, I've pretty much won in two of my fantasy leagues while I'm being slaughtered by a Raiders fan in my real money league. This is why if you ever see me in the sports book in Vegas, pay close attention to what I'm betting and act accordingly.

Chargers, 27 Raiders, 10. Go Bolts!!!

Saturday, September 09, 2006

T-Minus 60 Hours...

First of all I’d like to say, holy hell Christ, those chicks are ridiculous. I’m glad that they are the utmost of Bolts fans. You are wonderful Miller Brewing Company. I love you.

Second, much thanks again to the Maximum Colossus for keeping tabs on little minute details like linebackers with a history of police run ins collecting bullets from Junior College Campus Patrol. Note to Coronado and/or whoever is in charge over there, ummm, attempted murder of starting linebackers by Juco Security Detail at 4 a.m. is not a good way to ingratiate yourself with our fans. For payback, I’m taking my dog to your beautiful beaches after feeding him nothing but Ass Fire Chili, and let him defile your wonderful sand the only way he knows how…

And now for what matters… Division Winners and the standings, with no thought, research or education, straight from the gut instinct. This is neither binding nor accurate, so if I come out with any sort of success, my genius is confirmed…

NFC East
Washington 10-6
Philly 9-7
Dallas 8-8
Pussies Version 2.0 7-9

NFC North
Really, who cares?

NFC South
Carolina 12-4
Tampa 9-7
Breesy Bushies 8-8
Screwed Coaches 6-10

Note: How screwed is Atlanta? Mr. Herpes obviously can’t get the job done, it’s year 6 now, how long do you let this experiment continue? The backup out there is more than competent, but if you pull the HPV that is the starting ringleader, the town will go all riotous on you and you might in fact be killed. I’m sure the staff will sleep well this season…

NFC West
St. Louis 11-5
Arizona 10-6
Seattle 9-7
Fuck Ass Urine Town 3-13

On to the Conference that matters.

AFC East
New England 10-6
Miami 8-8
Buffalo 5-11
Gang Green 4-12

AFC North
Pittsburgh 12-4
Kentucky Penitentiary 11-5
Baltimore 8-8
Doo Doo Brown 5-11

AFC South
Pussies Version 1.0 13-3
Jacksonville 9-7
Longhorn Failures 7-9
Didn’t Trade their Pick 3-13

And Finally…

Our Beloved 11-5
Donkey Molesters 10-6
Kansas City Jets 9-7
Commitment to Suckitude 3-13

I’ll lay out my playoff scenarios and predictions soon. But, lady and gentlemen, football is officially back and I for one am a candidate for extra strength Ritalin right now…

My picks for the weekend coming soon. *not to be used in any way for gambling…

Friday, September 08, 2006

Tastes Great? Less Filling? Who Cares?

How about a blast from the past? I say we all tip back at least one Miller Lite during Monday night's Charger extravaganza, in honor of what quite possibly was the greatest commercial of all time. A High Life will get you by on a technicality.

Go Bolts!!!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Time To Go On The Record

I've been putting this off for as long as I have been able, but with the opening game of the season tonight, it's time to put into interprint my predictions for this NFL season. Not going to be a lot of surprises here. I'm not a big risk taker. But here goes:

NFC East) Let's get this one over with quick.

Eagles 11-5
Cowgirls 9-7
Redskins 9-7
Giants 8-8

NFC North) The boring one.

Chicago 10-6
Minnesota 9-7
Detroit 5-11
Green Bay 3-13

NFC South) The sad one.

Panthers 12-4
Bucs 10-6
Mike Vick 7-9
Saints 4-12

NFC West) The lame one.

Hawks 9-7
Cardinals 6-10
49ers 3-13

AFC East) The schizophrenic one.

Patriots 10-6
Bills 10-6
Dolphins 8-8
Jets 5-11

AFC North) The injury prone one.

Steelers 10-6
Bengals 10-6
Ravens 6-10
Browns 4-12

AFC South) The Manning one.

Colts 14-2
Jags 9-7
Titans 4-12
Texans 3-13

AFC West) The pipe dream.

Chargers 12-4
Chiefs 11-5
Denver 9-7
Raiders 3-13

NFC Wildcard round)

Vikings over Bears
Seahawks over Bucs

AFC Wildcard round)

Steelers over Bills
Chiefs over Pats

NFC Divisional)

Panthers over Vikings
Eagles over Seahawks

AFC Divisional)

Colts over Chiefs
Chargers over Steelers

NFC Championship)

Panthers over Eagles

AFC Championship)

Chargers over Colts


Chargers, 27 over Panthers, 20

There you have it. There it is. There were a couple of surprises, but the playoffs never shape up the same year to year. I really wanted to drop Seattle out of the playoffs cause they lost the big one last year, and because I hate them, but who are they going to give the division to? The Rams? The Cards? I don't think so. Also, a lot of you are going to say I'm way too much of a homer for picking the Chargers to win them all. To this I say that I have done a lot of research on the league for the coming season and I came to the conclusion that they're my picks and y'all can suck it. Go Bolts!!!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

What The Hell, It's a Big Story.

I really don’t want to spend much more time on this Foley thing. There is so much more to cover and The Commander has already spoken. You know that even if the police say the cop who shot him was high on crack, Foley was clean, and the doctors say that Foley cold suit up tomorrow, A.J. would hit the podium and say something along the lines of, “If I had it all to do over again, even knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t do anything differently. We’ve had problems with Foley in the past, no matter how irrelevant that is. Don’t question my actions or I will make your head explode with my mind. Don’t you know who I am?! Ass holes!” Whoa! Come down, Commander. Anyway, like I said, I don’t want o spend much time on this, but it’s big news, so a few more things that have come out,

A) Foley was not armed at the time. So when he was allegedly reaching for his waistband we can only assume the cop was envisioning a Pootie Tang-like ass whooping. Which is pretty scary, cause that movie was awful.

B) The officer in question was a ONE year veteran of the Coronado PD. This really puzzles me since the Coronado PD seems to spend most of it’s time turning the other cheek for drunk sailors. Seriously, the only person I know to have gotten a DUI in Coronado, out of the hundreds of drunks from Coronado I’ve met in my life, was a cute little bartender from Danny,s. And you know that was a pick up attempt gone horribly wrong.

C) The officer admits that he doesn’t believe he showed Foley his badge when he tried to pull him over. Okay, so are you going to pull over at 3:30 in the morning, in your very expensive vehicle, for some random guy waving a gun at you? Drunk or no?

D) The officer graduated from the Palomar Community College Police Academy. Which is awesome, cause Police Academy was a hilarious movie.

So here’s my take from what we know so far, and this is pure speculation. Foley, probably legally drunk, cut off an off-duty cop. The cop, who should know better, let his emotions get a hold of him and decided teach Foley a lesson. Said lesson went horribly wrong and several people are going to end up sued. One person misses at least a year of work and the other probably needs to start looking for a new vocation. Everybody wins. Go Bolts!!!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Crikey, Indeed. :(

I hate to go with the sad stuff, but what am I to do? Beloved naturalist and wildlife agitator, Steve Irwin, was killed tragically over the weekend during a freak run in with a large stingray. I can’t begin to tell you how many times the mighty Croc Hunter’s shows helped nurse me through a proper Sunday hangover or random bout of insomnia. Irwin will be sorely missed. My thoughts and prayers go out to his family.

Now on to the Bolts. All in all, a pretty slow news weekend as far as the Chargers organization is concerned. There was some Friday night preseason contest against some team or another that we may or may not have won. It doesn’t really matter, since preseason doesn’t really mean anything to anyone. That is especially comforting considering that A.J. Feeley led the Eagles on three scoring drives the other night. Anyway, after Friday night’s game I’m sure the entire Charger team went home and took it easy for the rest of the holiday weekend. In fact, I would be surprised to hear a peep out of one of our guys between now and the Monday night opener in Oakland. Just lay low. Why tempt fate between now and then?

Oh wait, I almost forgot. Steve Foley was shot a bunch of times by an off duty police officer early Sunday morning. Details are sketchy still, and he will live, but he’s going to miss the entire season. I know this because Mr. Compassion himself, A.J. Smith, addressed the press to confirm Foley’s playing status and assure us all that Foley will not be paid this year, because this is a non-football injury. I, myself, might have waited until my guy got out of the hospital and a clearer story was available before I went to the press with that one, but I’ve said it many times, “I am nowhere near the bad-ass that A.J. is.” Go Bolts!!!?

UPDATE!!!: In researching the rate of violent altercations involving NFL players, I came across this amazingly in depth and informative article from the brushback. Powerful stuff.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Baywatch Had Sand Too. So, It's Close Enough.

A.J. Feeley was cut by the Chargers, so for the time being long snapper David Binn is our emergency third string quarterback. David Binn used to bone Pamela Anderson. It would make sense, then, to feature the former Mrs. Lee here to ring in your football weekend. Unfortunately, Pam is sort of a washed up skank who married a hillbilly and I really can't condone any of that. Here's Jessica Alba instead. Talk about a piece in the prime of her prime. Enjoy. Go Bolts!!!