Monday, September 24, 2007

Shit Creek. No Paddle, We're Fucked...

Far be it from me to sit here in my objectivity throne and rain down hellacious tyrannical musings about the abject lack of effort being put forth by the entirety of the footballing squad. Sunday morning brought yet the next disappointing chapter in what was widely known as "Our Year". But yet at this very moment, our inflatable that is currently drifting down shit creek is steadily taking on fecal matter and the hand powered bilge is tired from all the bailing. And to be honest, it pretty much just fucking stinks like shit in here.

Some select quotes overheard during breakfast on Sunday morning:

"It's the fucking Green Bay Packers for Christ fucking sake! The Green Bay Fucking Packers."
"Holy shit. Holy Shit. Holy Shit."
"Sweet Fucking Jesus! Would you fucking do something already?"
"I'm going to punch you in the fucking face Norv Turner!"

There were many more of that sort audibly echoing through the chosen establishment yesterday. One of the more meaningful conversations that morning surrounded the absence of what may or may not be the key cog in the football winning orgy that we no longer have weekly admission. Could it be the piece of the puzzle that is now lacking in the overall picture? If it is, only a select few have been overheard discussing it (read: us, shitheads.) the absence of one Donnie Edwards. Is this the final piece of A.J.'s master plan that has led to the utter failure of the squad to date? No difinitive answer shall be known, but I've yet to see any of our linebackers in coverage dropping back into the lanes of the indefensible slant patterns that have helped serve our doom to us for breakfast. The ancient one, Mr. Favre regained his youth and buried us using a very similar formula that the Bastards from Beantown seemingly perfected the week before. Up until late in the fourth quarter, after the interception return inside our five yard line, the Pack had attempted 9 rushing plays. 9. Fuck. Seriously? 9?

With the defensive line accomplishing the undeniable feat of not being able to pressure a quarterback who thrives on interceptions when forced to shift his walker in the pocket, the defense was steadily picked apart. Perhaps there was a reason that Ron Rivera and Ted Cottrell were so easily dismissed from their positions within a very successful organization. Combine this with yet another lackluster offensive performance, and a brief return of what some in this town, and nation, referred to as "Martyball" squatting with dive running plays with a four point lead, and the eight penalties for seventy yards (may have been more I stopped counting after that many) another tally in the column known as "loss" was registered. Another uninspired, unimaginative, and utterly pathetic performance dominated the landscape. Perhaps losing a great linebacker, all of your coordinators and replacing them with folks who have never known winning, with a "Don't fuck it up and we'll win the Super Bowl" attitude isn't exactly that awesome recipe Lord A.J. thought he was cooking with.

Yet here we sit, one win against two losses, a coach that is doing nothing to change his reputation as a loser, and yet another, dismissed after a 14-2 season sitting at his home seemingly sipping Crystal on his birthday laughing maniacally with strippers bouncing on each knee. God Dammit. I'm not sure I'll even be able to enjoy topless cheerleaders until this turns around.

Madden Sunday Preview

The Madden Prognostication Eight Ball Machine had this one pegged on Friday night. With one minute remaining in the fourth quarter and the Bolts clinging to a 6 point lead, 44-38 (Shorter quarters, no less offense) The Pack failed to get to paydirt from the Bolts three yard line. This was seemingly the formula on Sunday, until the entirty of it fell apart and the Pack went in on a simple slant from 57 yards out. Madden Prognostication Machine had this one chalked up perfectly, it was the true team that let this one slip away.

What's next? Who the fuck knows? We were supposed to win on Sunday, this was supposed to be our year. Right now, we've got a boat steadily filling itself full of shit and I'd be remiss to suggest that this will repair itself. Load the gun folks, the "Bullet for Norv" Watch starts soon...

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Week Two Surprises...

Ask and ye shall receive. Week Two Ballyhoo comes and goes with little a fire in the belly of the beast called revenge. Anticipation was running high as we embarked on the epic battle that was supposed to be January early. Saturday freak accidents brought early morning appointments with crutches and a prelude to another Bolt collapse. Well, not really a collapse per se, as at some point you must be in a football game in order to crumble in such monumental fashion. Am I disappointed? Not as much as I would have expected.

What happened on Sunday Night on National Television was not completely out of the realm of possibility. You see, when the team killed me (yet again) this past January, I was looking for any positive branch in the proverbial happy tree to grasp ahold of as the ground came rushing warp speed at me. To no avail, there was none. Ask and ye shall receive, first we rehired the Elder Statesman that no one in San Diego apparently thought was completely competent to run the football team. Go elsewhere said Lord Sith A.J. and a month after his rehire, "The Incompetent One" was given his outright release. His replacement, a perennial underachiever who just hadn't managed to play shitty cards properly during the tenure of his career. No matter decreed Lord Sith, "He will obey." When the prevailing reasoning behind the new hire is, "Not even he can fuck this up.", you might find yourself wanting in the future.

Thus brings Sunday. What went wrong? Besides 'everysinglefuckingthingunderthelights' of Beantown? I'm not here to breakdown every single bust of the game. That would take far too long and I'd sprain eight digits typing all of the expletives. What I saw, from my casual, and most objective chair, was a pathetic display of a tremendously outcoached, outmatched, outplanned and outexecuted Pop Warner football team. Ask and ye shall receive people. Ask and ye shall receive. As Joe SuperBolt turned to me as the clock struck zero and the light bulbs were burning out on the New England side of the scoreboard from overuse, and declared how much better off we were without ol'Schotzy at the helm, all I could do was choke back the tears. Tears of laughter. Not even ol' Norvy can fuck this up huh? Good Work A.J. I can see where this road leads. And no, I'm not jumping from the top rope of the sofa to land on the panic button like some are. In two very significant football games in our pre pubescent season, there has been no semblance of the former Superpower of a football team shining through. Same players, new bad as ass unis, recycled shitty head coach with no plan.

How can one person ruin my Tuesday? Conversation with Long Time Raiders Fan led to this exchange**:

LTRF: "I think the Chargers might be in trouble."
Me: "Why?"
LTRF: "I've seen that system before in Oakland. It sucks."
Me: "Oh fucking great."

I never thought that I'd long for a day of Schottenheimer coached football, but damned if Norvy's little program here is sound. I'm not writing it off as it is week two, but, much progress needs be made and quite quickly or this will not in fact, "Be our year."

Compounding all of this was the first loss of the Madden '08 Prognostication Wagon. In a defensive struggle, the Bolts prevailed on Saturday night by the squeakiest of 96-85 Margins. Antonio Gates was unstoppable, as well as Randy Moss' 19 catches for 598 yards and 7 touchdowns. Madden be damned there was no fortune telling this night as the season now stands at 1-1. Hey Norvy, Video Norvy has you drummed in coaching skill, watch a tape and learn how to run an offense that is fronted by LaDainian Tomlinson, Antonio Gates, and has a rather functioning quarterback.

So Norvy, fuck this brand of football and get your shit together, otherwise as LTRF put it so succinctly, "Ol' A.J. will have to put a bullet in him." I wholeheartedly agree.

**Conversation with LTRF may not have been verbatim.

And finally, cheerleaders without scorn...

Monday, September 10, 2007

Week 1 Under Your Belt Fatty...

An uneventful week one came and went with what some call a "football" game being played. The Bolt faithful were out in full frontal nudity attack against the Cubs from Chicagoland. As predicted by many, the defending SuperBowlers were unable to handle the sustained attack of the defensive unit in their fresh new unis. Victory be ours in the virgin weekend of Footballing.

As it were, emotions flowed forth from many of those donning the yellow and blue in the greater San Diego area. Despite the attempts by many in our town, the alcohol ban had not yet gone into effect, and a riot free weekend was had by all. I watched as an objective observer, emotions in check, while others appeared slightly concerned at times. Although not a picture perfect performance, the rookie coaching staff persevered throughout as the Cub defense stifled the offensive attack of TBE and the gang. Antonio got first downs with the same frequency that U.S. Senators procure hookers while the rest of the offense remained rather stagnant. The backbreaking moment coming late in the game with LTD throwing yet another football to paydirt, and running for another to effectively execute the NFC Champs. Clock strikes zero and the win column is richer by a tally.

Although not entirely pleased with the week 1 representation by the home squad, I'm reserving judgement for now. It was not the day of the most polished footballing troop that I've ever seen, but rust and nerves can effect a young squad with new clipboarders, and well, they won. What the hell kind of tyrannical criticism can I levy during a win? Answer: None. My message to you: You are one win less dead to me. Hopefully this apathy will rinse away like sand from your tingly parts, and not require more serious antibiotic treatments.

Madden '08 Update

Thursday Night saw the debut of the season long Madden '08 Magic 8 Ball Prediction Machine, and a fierce battle was fought. Defense was at a premium as the game was never actually in doubt. Video Bolts armed with the General Max Colossus at the helm jumped out early and never looked back. Were it not for the explosive return power of Devin Hester, the 84-48 final score would have been more telling than the lightbulbs on the scoreboard indicated. Bolts cover the 7+ point spread and the over fell with little difficulty. Video Madden Magic 8 Ball Prediction Machine is running on all cylinders and is a perfect 100% for the 2007-08 season to date. Next up on the schedule, Thursday night, September 13th, New England at home v. The Bolts. Results posted shortly thereafter...stay tuned. There are still VIP box seats available for the price of box of High Lifes for those who wish to view the game in person. Hit the email link at the top for details...

Madden Bolts 1-0

Week 1 Report Card

Chargers: B-. That's not harsh, the defense was stellar, the offense was up against a formidable NFC foe, but needs to shake off the rusty nerves if they want to extract revenge on the Beantowners who had a hand in ruining my birthday.

CJ's Emotional Attachment: F+. Hey. Hey! That's better than the F-- defcon four level of hatred that was coarsing through my veins prior to Sunday afternoon. It's called progress people, fuck. Give me a God Damned break all right?

And now, cheerleaders...