Thursday, December 30, 2004
Great game Sunday. Really. It was one of the most superior outings I've seen from the Chargers this year. For about 54 minutes, anyway. Seriously, kick that freaking field goal! It netted us 16 yards to punt that ball. What is 16 yards to Peyton Manning? Even if we had pinned them back, it would only have meant giving a little more field to the best offense in the NFL. I know, I know. Easy for me to say. The defense had solved Manning and Co. all day, but the special teams had given up a massive momentum shift in the 4th, and things were getting scary. You've got to put a stopper in that sort of nonsense.
Another thing. Secondary, yeah I'm talking to you Drayton Florence, Quentin Jammer and Terrence Kiel. It's probably not a good idea to suddenly start standing around and letting guys fly past you down the field when the game is on the line. Huge lapse in concentration there, guys.
I refuse to be the kind of person who sits around and says that at least everybody knows the Bolts are for real now. I've known that for weeks. Truthfully, if we were going to lose this game, it probably would have been in our best interests to tank it big time, cause now no one is going to be looking past us in January.
As for this week, I considered going as a show of support, but when I saw people trying to hawk tix for $200 a piece, I decided to skip what will essentially be an exhibition game at the Murph/Q. To be honest, I think we will probably lose this game (mostly cause I just got my uniform and playbook in the mail), but I really hope we win to set up my post season dream scenario. We face the Broncs, Jets, and Colts, beating each team soundly, and finish it off with a major ass kicking of the Falcons in the Big One. All of or regular season losses avenged! Hmm? Hmm?! Pretty sweet, huh?
Well, I'll try to put something in here next week, but it's a short one,so don't expect a novel. After that, it's cheers to playoff football in Cabo! Go Bolts!!!
Monday, December 27, 2004
-First things…well first: Merry Christmas…
-I am severely lacking any of the “Luck of the Irish”
-Be sure to catch the latest bestselling novel by my cohort entitled “How to Negotiate with Cab Drivers”
-Nine game winning streaks are tough to come by
-Losing that game was the best thing that could have happened
-Many more than one record fell in Indianapolis on Sunday
-Cabo is 10 days away
-There will be a playoff game viewed there
-Our coaches don’t trust our Iowan kicker
-Mr. Rivers should get some playing time on Sunday
-LaDanian “Touchdown” as he shall now be known, should get some rest. (Credit: August)
-The road to the Bowl goes through Pittsburgh
-Breakfast Sandwiches are good
-Caddyshack was a great film
-There was a Phil sighting
-Nope, still don’t like Peyton Manning
Thursday, December 23, 2004
1) I have to agree with you here. Controlling the ball and keeping it on the ground for the majority of the game is a major key. Unfortunately for your weak heart, I see Lorenzo Neal getting at least a handful of carries. We all know how much you love that.
2) Again, I agree. Oben has done a far better job this year than most people expected he would, but he’s going to need a little help this week. Freeney is a monster. Hopefully, once he goes flying past “One Who Is Most Amazing” a couple of times, he’ll slow down a bit. Halfback draw on third and long anybody? Out of the shotgun? Could be interesting.
3) Where do you think I stand on this one? I come from the EA Sports school of thought here. You know, where punters typically have QB ratings of around 149.3. Is there any way I can take the over the over on this one? I mean, this is our 15th game of the season and Igor hasn’t caught a single pass yet. We’re so vanilla!
4) You’re right again, compadre. Picks will be key. Peyton doesn’t throw too many of them, but they have been our bread and butter. Look for at least one and it’s going to be a game breaker. You can take that to the bank. And make sure you get your change. As for the other two turnovers you’re looking for, Edge likes to run between the tackles, so don’t be surprised to see our very capable front seven wreak a little havoc.
5) You can bet your ass First Down! Is up to the challenge. After last week’s big touchdown he pretty much got to stand around and watch our core of backfield warriors cement the game. He’s recharged and psyched up.
6) This is the one that scares me a bit. The Colts rank pretty high up there in INTs and Skip hasn’t always looked comfortable with the kind of pressure he’s about to be confronted with. It goes back to the running game and getting him a few opportunities to go for it on downs that aren’t traditionally passing situations. Awe, screw it! Air it out all day long! I want to see points. I want to see the our QB shut everybody up about their QB.
7) I actually had two last week. Can I have one of yours? Pleeeeease?
Mmmm…Catholic school girls. All that Christmas stuff, blah, blah, blah.
John Clayton of the ESPN football fame has noted another Bolt snub. He cites Steve Foley as the heart and soul of our defense and is shocked that he was not selected for the big luau. Surprisingly though, he takes his credibility, wads it up and pitches it into the pacific and never mentions Donnie Edwards. Strange…
Bill Simmons once again of the immortal ESPN (link provided above, see: Sports Guy) has also noted the Bolts in his column this week. It can be said that Bill has a bit of a liking for wagering on professional sporting events and each week he bestows his wisdom upon us with his picks of the week. He notes that the Bolts are 7.5 point dogs this week against the Colts, also noting that the Ravens (read: convicts of the new millennium) were 7 point dogs last week against the same Colts. Leading to the question, “How can an 11-3 team that matches up perfectly with the Colts be bigger dogs than the Ravens?” He continues with something along the lines that maybe the Chargers will garner the respect of everyone when they are still playing late in January. Read it for some good Charger feelings…
Colts, Colts, Colts. Here it comes. Time to put up or shut up. Time to leave it all out on the field. Big time players stand up and make big time plays. Cliches are complete, now let’s go out there and kick some Manning family can…On to the Hits…
1) Maybe the numero uno, number one thing this weekend in Indy. Keep that damned team off of the damned field. Control the ball and we can control Peyton WoManning. Controlling the ball means running the ball. Saddle up “Hoss” we are putting it on you this week. Run the damned ball and control the time of possession. If this one belongs to us, look for us to be in it until the end…
2) Roman Oben vs. Dwight Freeney. This one is a bit dicey. You see, Roman had a bit of difficulty handling Simeon Rice against the Bucs. Drew had that guy climbing up his back all the day long. Last time I checked Freeney was a bit quicker than the Man of Rice. Roman needs to protect the Skip when we decide to throw it.
3) Oh I bet you can’t wait for this one. I have been waiting for this one for weeks now. You should probably sit down….Sitting? Here it is…
THE ENTIRE PLAY BOOK IS OPEN.
Read it again. It gets better.
I EXPECT TO SEE TRICK PLAYS.
Still awake? Shall I get the smelling salts? That’s right, run ‘em. Run ‘em all. Every last one of ‘em. The Colts so offensive minded that they repeatedly fall victim to these plays, and had we kept the damned playbook shut when we should have against inferior teams, they would have no idea these were coming. But it is what it is. Prop Bet #1: Over/ Under: 1.5. I got the over…
4) Picks, Picks, Picks. They are going to be much harder to come by this week. We have to get a couple of them. We have to make them turn the ball over. Bottom Line. Turnovers will win this game. If we can get three of them in this one, you might see my cohort’s score become reality…
5) Antonio. Antonio. Antonio. You need to be ready this weekend my friend. You will get your opportunities. But they will be more situational and you must make big plays. I have faith and a huge sign in the back of the Av that bears your name. Make us proud on the way to victory lane…
6) Skip, I am talking directly to you. If they can stop the run, you must throw the ball straight like arrow and true. You must be Drew against Oakland in the 22-25 campaign. You must be Pro Bowl Drew. You must lead us to victory…
7) Victory Shots. I saved my victory shot from last week for this big one. This is the biggest game ‘o’ the year. I want to make up for last week and have two this week. Don’t disappoint me or yourselves this weekend and we all drink together. Shots at exactly 1:03 p.m…
Merry Christmas to all. Happy Footballing to all. Especially the Catholic School Girls and the ones who limp…
The pro bowl votes are in, and as has been previously noted in this blog, our defensive heart and soul, Donnie Edwards was snubbed. Gay. A case could also be made for likes of Jamal Williams and Mike Scifres (Check it out, he’s a damn good punter), but Edwards is the real story here. The guy has far and away more tackles than any of the LBs who came out above him in the voting, and even though he isn’t a sack machine, he’s made enough big plays to make a believer out of me. Truth is, I’ve been a believer in Edwards for years, and I know a lot of KC fans who couldn’t believe that team would let him go. Worst of all, I heard the following story on the radio yesterday. Apparently, Donnie is a big war memorabilia buff. His grandfather was a WW II vet, which inspired Donnie to start his collection, a large part of which consisted of his grandfather’s own gear. Well, Sports Illustrated got wind of this and did a story on him. Edwards’ grandfather knew about the story but died before it went to print. That’s pretty tear jerking, wouldn’t you say? It’s not over. Edwards would have liked to have given pappy a proper vet’s burial, but the old man had made it clear he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes spread off the deck of one of the ships (I can’t remember which one) that is stationed in Hawaii. So Donnie goes out and busts his ass to make the Pro Bowl, so he can respect his grandfather’s wishes on that weekend. Guess that didn’t work out. Maybe he can get Joey Porter to do it for him. Super gay.
How about the boys that made it, though? Drew Brees? Can’t argue with that call. What a job this guy has done. In Sunday’s game he registered a 149.3 quarterback rating. Granted that was on a 4 for 6 day. But hey, the QB rating doesn’t lie. That’s kick ass. I was a little worried that the voter’s would go with America’s Sweetheart over there in Pittsburgh, but, amazingly, cooler heads prevailed and Drew got the nod. My personal MVP, he of the First Down!, Antonio Gates got the nod at Tight End. Honestly, who else gets this slot. The guy is all but assured to set the Tight End TD record, and is one of the most pleasant surprises in Bolt history. Hmm. Who was the other Charger that made it? Umm…it’s on the tip of my tongue. Oh, that’s right! Fresh off of last year’s snub, our boy LaDainian finally gets his due. Another no brainer of course. Over 1600 yards from scrimmage and 16 TDs should get you a couple of votes. Notice how none of last year’s AFC representatives are going back this year? Granted Priest Holmes was hurt and Jamal Lewis is a drug dealer, but how’s D.C. treatin’ ya Portis? Three cheers for three Chargers who are giving us a great year. Way to go boys!!!
Is anybody else out there getting a little giddy at the prospect of our glorious Lightning Bolts matching up against the Atlanta Falcons? Now that the Eagles have lost TO (Did you see that sorry offense after he went out?), it paves the way for Atlanta to make the big game. If we can keep up our end it will be sweet. I know we played them before, but we weren’t the team we are now, and we still should have won that game. I doubt we’d make the mistake of forgetting about Vick again. This would be the ultimate opportunity to put those Vick versus Tomlinson comparisons to bed, once and for all.
I sometimes forget myself. Before we talk about Super Bowls, I suppose I’d better address this week’s big game in Indianapolis. Did you know that the Chargers are the only team in the NFL with a QB with more than 20 TD passes, a receiver (or Tight End as the case may be) with over 10 TD receptions and a RB with over 10 TD rushes. How do you suppose Edgerrin feels about Peyton’s record in a contract year. Of course, I don’t really think Edgerrin’s lack of TD production is going to affect his market value, but it must be frustrating to be a premiere back in the NFL and see your team passing the ball so much inside the opponent’s five yard line. Look out Colts, the Football Gods are watching you very closely. But Peyton will likely at least match the record this week, and that’s fine with me, because I just don’t believe it’s going to be enough. The Bolts are playing hard, and playing with confidence. Their spot in the playoffs is set, and they aren’t chasing records. Look for the Bolts to play loose and free, and to take care of business handily in Colt Town. Chargers 38, Colts 24.
So that is that. I’m done posting til next week (unless of course my cohort says something so inane that I can’t help but rebut), and am brimming with fandom. Repeat after me: “All I want for Christmas is a first round bye (and homefield advantage throughout would be nice, but let’s not get greedy)!” Merry Christmas, and all that jazz! Go Bolts!!!
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
That Archuletta story is a gem, for those of you who are not privileged enough to know the jersey wearing psychopath in the last post, you are missing out on a spectacular human being. There is not a word in my vocabulary that would describe the feeling that I would have if said jersey is to survive the 2004 Rams campaign. There is no description for what the devil the Goats are doing on the field this season.
Lots to talks about today and seeing that this is Thursday of this week, Santa was nice enough to give us Friday off, we might as well get some of this stuff that needs talking about off of our desks. Sounds good to me, here we go.
Pro Bowlers were handed their tickets to Honolulu today, and for the first time in what seems to be about two and a half decades four Chargers are representing the Blue and Gold Bolt Faithful out there in paradiso. Them Bolts being, Mr. One and Only Skipper Himself, my cohort’s man amongst boys Mr. First and Ten Antonio Gates, and the illustrious, infamous (that means more than famous) “Hoss” Tomlinson, and finally, last but not least, one of the twenty and sixteen tackle games, with a share of the team lead for pickoffs, Mr. Donnie Edwards Linebacker Extraordin…… wait,.. what? Wait,… WHAT?!!! Donnie done got snubbed…
Not possible. This is not possible, nor is it acceptable. It is in fact totally unacceptable. Not quite climb onstage and shoot the guitarist five times in the head for breaking up your favorite band unacceptable, but unacceptable nonetheless. This is just another one of those times in beautiful Bolt history where the media has raised their gloriously self righteous middle fingers right at our team and our town almost daring us to do something about it.
And yes they probably knew that just like last year this town would cry foul after certain players from San Diego are left sitting at the terminal with their best Jimmy Buffet shirts and leis around their necks waiting for that notice to board the plane.
Nine Eagles can go? Nine? Six Steelers? Oh my god, three Bengals are going. There are in fact three Cincinnati Bengals going to the Pro Bowl. Who is in charge here? What is going on? They will pass go, they will collect their leis and they will be in Honolulu, while Donnie is sitting at home watching on television. He can sit at home with his 136 tackles and 4 interceptions, one while high stepping all the way to paydirt. This makes bullshit smell like roses… I feel like someone tied me down with barbed wire, punched me in the throat and shocked me in the groin with a cattle prod. Unbelievable.
I am through venting about Pro Bowl snubs, that is something that will sort itself out on the field. Hopefully Donnie will use this as motivation this weekend against the older woManning, and force that enormous cranium to run for its life. Man, how did they ever find a helmet big enough to fit over that guy’s skull? Game time prep will be discussed tomorrow…
Instead of tailgating before the Rams game, and watching the Charger game on satellite TV in some parking lot, we spent Sunday morning at-you guessed it-The Library. When the Charger game was no longer in doubt and the surviving members of our party arrived with our tickets, we hopped in a bike cab and headed out to watch The Boys of Martz officially give up. The titanic Arizona Cardinals put away the Goats within a few shorts minutes and my pal, Rams Fan Extraordinaire was in full bitch mode. I understood his frustration, having pledged allegiance to the Nation of Bolt since I was but a small child, however, no amount of consternation can possibly justify what took place at halftime. As I was returning from the concession stand with my umpteenth adult soda, I struck up a conversation with an attractive woman of about 40. She was a pleasant enough lady, and when our conversation turned to the debacle on the field she informed me that she was related, by marriage, to a certain Rams safety whose jersey my pal, Rams Fan Extraordinaire, wears nearly each and every Sunday. She also said that if we were to stick around after the game, and the Rams weren’t busy committing ritual suicide, that there was an outside chance we could get pictures taken with some members of the team. Imagine how excited my pal, Rams Fan Extraordinaire, is going to be when I tell him. Oh, here he comes now:
Me: Hey Jerk-off (Not his real name, but may as well be), this is Jill, she is related by marriage to the guy on your jersey!
Jerk-off: Oh really, cause the guy on my jersey sucks! And the Rams suck! This is the worst team I’ve ever seen!
Me: (To Jill) I’m sorry my friend is a douche bag. We’ll leave you alone now.
Isn’t that awesome?! Oh well, I know who gets the next kick in the beanbag. Game over. Back to the Library. My team rules, and I can’t believe they let us on the plane home.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
One thing that I have yet to really communicate here is the tendency for some people in this world to heighten the football experience on Sunday with a little bit of healthy wagering on their favorite or not so favorite footballing teams. Some people do it via the ever so brain boggling fantasy land style league play (insert editorial comment about “these people” here) and others live by the old fashioned rules that calling Vinnie up on Sunday morning will suffice. ( Disclaimer: I for one do not and would not ever condone gambling in any form whatsoever, so this column in no way refers to me or anything that I have ever done ever concerning this topic. Thank you.) That being said, this is a topic that I am vaguely familiar with and at this point in every football season it becomes slightly more relevant with the push to the playoffs, leading up to the mother of all that is betworthy games in early February.
From time to time my friend Chris* (name changed for identity protection) has been known to place some more than friendly wagers at times during the football and basketball seasons respectively. One thing that is a constant hindrance according to Chris is a lack of what wrestlers call intestinal fortitude (read: testicular motivation). But according to the records the wins outweigh the losses by about a two to one ratio, or at least in the 2004 seasons. I would say that someone with a 600+ winning percentage is qualified in this area of discussion. Not to mention that the previous weeks have been an amazing run for the frontrunners of the AFC and the Iggles of the plagued NFC and there was apparently some money to be made there.
After absorbing what was win number eight in a row this past fine Sunday morning in America’s Finest City, and digesting what was seemingly the end of the Ponies from Snakeville’s last game of the year, I happened to be approached by Moron-Boy. Moron-Boy has been mentioned here previously, most recently in the post after the Denver shellacking a couple weeks ago. Moron-Boy is by all means what can only be described as the true definition of “Moron”, hence the name. Moron-Boy is a Denver fan. Moron-Boy is not from Denver. Moron-Boy is actually from Philadelphia. For no apparent reason Moron-Boy roots for Denver. Moron-Boy has also stated that he will now return to rooting for his default team, the Eagles. There are so many things that we can say about Moron-Boy that will go unmentioned, but I can assure you, if you think of any that seem fitting, I personally guarantee anything you come up with is probably 98% accurate. Moving on…
At about the time that Denver fell behind by about 20 points give or take a field goal, Moron-Boy was first one off the pony express wagon and the first to get on to the “I Hate Everything Blue and Gold Wagon”. As mentioned Moron-Boy came right at me with this spectacular exchange, “I’ll bet you $100 bucks that the Chargers don’t make it out of the first round of the playoffs.” Instantly I thought of Chris and his ingenious gambling mind. How would this subject be received? What would Chris do? I tried for a minute to put myself in Chris' shoes. I thought about my own level of intestinal fortitude and I opted for the conservative, moderate, controlled approach that I have heard Chris preach. I made my move, “What are you a Moron? Riddle me this genius boy, why would I bet you that the Chargers will lose their first round playoff game, A) We don’t know who they are playing, B) We don’t know the point spread, and finally C) Is it because your season just ended or because you haven’t seen your Willie past that belly of yours in years that gives you license to be a retard?” Moron-Boy responded with something along the lines that the offer would expire at the end of the day and that it would not be re-upped, yet I could barely hear the drivel at that point because of the uncontrollable laughter emanating from the depths within that nearly caused me to drop a nugget in my shorts.
Hindsight tells me that I may have been able to capitalize on this opportunity with Moron-Boy. We all know that the first round playoff game will be held on our home turf, against an inferior opponent. Perhaps with a bit of discussion and maybe a drink or two, I could have gotten Moron-Boy to agree to a straight up wager forgoing the point spread. Maybe, with a little luck, I could have gotten a default win with the possibility of a first round bye still on the table; surely we can’t lose in the first round if we have a bye week. And just think, with Moron-Boy, anything is possible.
All I want for Christmas is some intestinal fortitude, and that first round bye…
-Weather conditions against bad teams neutralize nothing. All it does is allow one Jesse Chatman to proclaim, “The boys from San Diego are here!!”
-Cabo is 16 days away.
-Of course Peyton Manning is ready to try to enter the record books against us.
-Joseph Stalin’s name translated to “Man of Steel”, does that make him the original “Superman”?
-There was an asinine proposition by a Bronco fan after their loss this Sunday. More on that later…
-Apparently all members of the Arizona crew made it home blessed by catholic school girls and are relatively unscathed.
-The Rams however were not so lucky.
-Most of the top seeds this weekend were slightly exposed. Except us of course…
-People are dubbing us sleepers…shhh! Don’t tell anyone…
-Victory shots were given a week off to rest for the big game…
Now I'm not seeing this will be a small feat, by any means. The Colts are...well, they're the Colts. With a near record breaking offense stacked full of enough weapons to warrant a UN inspection, and a defense that has quietly shown up as the season has wore on, this is the ultimate test for a Charger team that has manhandled some pretty awful teams and matched up a little too tightly with the rest of the field. Then there's the Chiefs. Just when you thought we were safe from the Priest, along comes Larry Johnson. He of the 6 TDs and 5.8 yards per carry over the last 6 games. This is the same Larry Johnson that was "a little too soft" for the rest of the league to take any interest in when the Chiefs tried to shop him before the season. Of course, Trent Green always loves to take a crack at us, and who can blame him? We got rid of this guy to hold on to Craig Wheels on Fire. Then, to add injury to insult, we removed him from the greatest show on turf, paving the way for a grocery bagger who will now go down in NFL history as having one of the most profound 3 year quarterbacking spans ever.
These are going to be tough games, but it's exciting to know that they mean so much more today than they did yesterday. I must admit, though, I am kind of looking forward to watching Charger playoff football in Cabo. But it's not about me. It's about the team.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Now let's talk about that other crappy record thing that's going on. Who in the entire freaking world didn't see this coming? If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, "San Diego sports franchises are the masters of dubious honors!" If you need to break a record, give us a call. We'll be happy to oblige. And thank you for being so patient, Peyton, and saving it for us. You are a douche bag.
So, we get our tight end thing and Peyton get's his QB TD* thing, and the whole world get's to see that the only thing that really matters is the scoreboard, which I will not reveal just yet(I'll give you a hint, though. It's gonna be electric...you know, like a supercharger...get it?).
Well, you'll be hearing from me again, just as soon as my blood get's back to a normal consistency. Then we can talk about why it's never a bad time for hot girls in school girl outfits. For now there is nothing left to say except kudos to me for quoting myself in this post. That is awesome.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Allow me to explain…
And so it is another day off to the grind of what is the daily life. Feeling particularly hungry this fine but marginally freezing a.m. I opt for some early breakfast. As I obey and follow the single file path to all that is breakfast I am struck by what can only be described as well… how do you say this tactfully? A super hot smokin’ chick. No, really. That is about the only way I could articulate what was before the eyes. Just smokin’ hot. She gathers up her morning treat and begins to walk by, back outside to start what is her version of the grind, when I notice something particularly amazing. She has a noticeable limp. Not some sort of messed up an ankle over the weekend sprain from whatever activities smokin’ hot chicks participate in, but a full blown gimping permanent style disfigurement of one of her limbs. Now, I am for all intents and purposes perplexed. Super smokin’ hot. Limp. Super smokin’ hot. Limp. What the hell kind of uncool trick/conundrum is that? Whatever do you do?
As close as I can figure this is about on par with the Smokin’ hot chick with the not so good from the neck up region that some describe as the “butter syndrome”. Another true conundrum. What is a guy supposed to do in these situations? Do you go for the less than attractive neck up girl or the permanent disfigurement that may or may not allow you handicap access at the mall? I am stumped… and as the Cleveland Browns have proven, they are too.
To say the the Browns have problems is like saying that Ron Artest has anger management issues. Where to begin with this sorry group imitating a football team? I got it, let’s start at maybe the most important part of the football team. The quarterback. It seems as if the browns have the equivalent of my early morning breakfast dilemma at that position.
Jeff Garcia vs. Luke McCown. Whatever do you do here? I am not alluding to this week of course as we know Garcia is playing the role of the limper with the sore knee. So, that makes McCown (Version 2.0) the “butter syndrome” quarterback. It’s the best of a bad situation. This team is going down in flames this week to our football team and nothing is going to stop that shot of a meteor impacting the Charger Charter on the way to Ohio. The future of this team is to what I speak. I guess the question is, “Jeff Garcia, the future?” I don’t really know. On one hand you can say that he has had a better than average career and has performed steadily in the past. On the other, he is 34 and may have shortened his career a bit this year playing and running for his life for that god awful football team in the Dog Pound. And suddenly why am I trying to solve the problems of the Cleveland Browns football team? It’s Cleveland for cryin’ out loud. But, if there was by some grace of an existing entity that might make them inclined to make a move to obtain our rookie has yet to play quarterback, I am all ears. I know that’s a winning the lottery, being attacked by a shark while getting struck by lightning, and tagging Lindsay Lohan all in the same day long shot, but hey, it could happen. I am merely trying to point out that with some hard work and determination there are some deals out there that could be made to make all interested parties happy. That’s all I am tryin’ to say.
That being said, I am off to go buy some quick picks on my way to the beach wearing a chum bucket and chain mail wetsuit. Lindsay, the rest is up to you…
So, this past Sunday we got to see our mighty Bolts topple the surging Bucs to capture their tenth win of the season for the first time since we went to the 49er Bowl. It’s been a long time since those days. We are still getting the requisite amount of disrespect due to the Pats, Steelers and Colts. But the 49ers are God awful and I don’t mind one bit.
The game was a good one, but what can I say that wouldn’t sound redundant. Drew Brees has shown a lot of poise and resilience. LaDainian is destined to be one of the game’s all time great backs. This young offensive line is making a believer out of me. Antonio Gates is so good that teams can not ignore him anymore. Yadda yadda yadda. Well, here’s one I haven’t touched on much, but that I can’t ignore. If Donnie Edwards doesn’t go to the Pro Bowl, you can bet your ass it’s a snub! A few weeks ago he registered 20 tackles in a game. 20!!! I’m not sure Junior ever got 20. Sorry, Junior. This past weekend I believe he added 16 more, not to mention a couple of picks, one of which was of at least some importance. This guy is anchoring this big play defense. That’s right, big play defense! Sure they give up yards, but 17 interceptions say they show up when the situation calls for it. And this is why Indy better look out. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Hey Maximum Colossus! You’re looking past this week's game at Cleveland.” That’s true, but I’m not on the team, so I can do that. Also, I believe that even in the snow the San Diego Super Chargers can muster up at least 18 yards of total offense, which should be more than adequate. Anyway, back to the Colts. Yes, they are the highest scoring team in the NFL. By a lot. But we’re second, and that ain’t bad. True their defense can get after a Quarterback. But our line has faced tough challengers in the past. The bottom line becomes, can our big play defense stop their ginormous play offense. My answer: Eventually. Sure they’ll rack up about 500 yards of offense, but I’m thinking we will be pretty close to that. And when it comes down to it, I think ours end with points, and theirs end with more of the same from the likes Donnie, Don of the D and Drayton Florence. We’re running the table here people. Oh great, what am I going to write about next week?
So, this weekend we’re going to beat the brown out of the Browns. My prediction: Chargers 45, Browns 10. See ya next week. Go Bolts!!!
P.S. Hey CJ, Where's your bag?! I'm thinking it might still be shrivelled up into your stomach. I'm off to hire protection now.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Reflections from the Weekend:
-Fantastic day for football in San Diego.
-That baby story was completely true.
-Apparently, from what I am told, the backseat of my truck is a comfortable bed.
-Guns and Roses got significant airplay this weekend.
-We actually saw a Charger “highstep” his way into the end zone. Can’t remember the last time that happened.
-Insincerity runs rampant at this site.
-I have used up all of my Iowa jokes, and I need more Super Glue.
-A good kick to the groinal area of the shorts will drop most anyone.
-40 lbs. of ice is just enough.
-Certain cab drivers need to have their licenses revoked and perhaps some professional psychiatric assistance administered before they are released in public.
-Cabo is less than one month away.
-I am going to be in Austin, Texas very soon.
-Losing is something my footballing team and I have forgotten how to do.
That is all…
Friday, December 10, 2004
1) Yes this can be a trap game. Yes, Brian Griese isn’t good. Yes, Michael Clayton is scary, oooooh! I am afraid. Go drown yourself. The only way we lose this one is if the shotgun goes off in our pants. As long as we prepped for this one, Griese will not look good. Remember Denver? He hasn’t been the same since that sweet lateral to us…
2) Backwards? The only sure fire way to beat us is to stop the run first. They will attempt to do that. I would still game plan around the running back and make the Skip beat you. That is how I think they will try to do it, 22nd against the run be damned. That’s why you suck at “fantasy” sports, you are all about the numbers all the time… They should attack our strenghths as we should attack theirs...
3) True. But this time I am cashing in. At exactly 6:12p.m. You calling in sick???
4) Ronnie rules. And when you put the ball on a tee and you scream “Hey, don’t hit this one!!”, what can I do? “That’s barely enough time to retard myself.” I think August and Eric might have just let a little urine slip out into their drawers…
5) Who needs a helicopter when you got an Avalanche?
Yes, Bolts go beating other squads soundly…!!!
1) Trap Game is something hunters do when they’re too sissified to fire a gun. Boo yah! That was tight, yo. In all seriousness, though, Brian Griese has manhandled the Bolts in the past, and Michael Clayton is emerging as a bit of a stud. And Jurevicious is an awfully kick-ass name. We’re gonna want to go ahead and work some of that big play magic again this week.
2) I think you’re a little backwards here, amigo. The Bucs are 22nd in the league against the run. Not too impressive. They are numero uno versus the pass. That’s a little scarier. God, at least one of us does our research. Go LDT!
3) I doubt that’s the only thing I owe you all shots for.
4) I think we’re actually posting up at the opposite side of the stadium. J-3. Ronnie got the seats and that’s where his buddies are at. Also, looks like we’re not rolling in until about 11:00. Not sure how I feel about that. That’s barely enough time to retard myself. Shut up.
5) I’m waiting to hear from my boss about borrowing the corporate helicopter. If he comes through, you’re in. It’s quite spacious.
Religion also rocks. If you pick the right one you get to drink wine in church and go to Heaven no matter what. Double boo yah! Go Bolts!!!
Today I saw the lives of three men ruined forever.
Yes, read it again.
Now you may proceed...
I decided after finishing my version of “finals” this week with once again a passing grade that I was heading to the best pizza joint in all of the San Diego area. Conveniently located in “Raidertown” or as I like to call it “Berkley South” the Bronx was firing out the slices and man do they ever do it right. Anyway, as I was charging through my first slice of love, in walks this lady carrying not one, not two, but three infants in identical baby hauling mechanisms. Without a place to stash the goods, she gives me this “I am lost and helpless” look, so I push over a bit and motion that it’s cool to drop her pets in my area. Relieved she sets down the little freshly made creatures and begins her quest for pie and a table.
I, being an uncle, am a bit curious of these tots she is lugging around so I take a good solid stare at the little aliens sitting in their carrying mechanisms. Using my incredible deduction skills, I am able to decipher that they are approximately the same age, weight and model. They also appear to be dressed identically. Logical conclusion equals triplets. I have never seen triplets so I am a bit curious and inquire about their history to mom, “they all yours?” I ask. She gets this horrified look of terror on her face like a pit bull was sniffing her children like raw meat and shoots back, “No! We each have one! Mine is the ‘eldest’ and is 20 days old!” At that moment two more nutbags, I mean moms waltz in to tend to their creatures. Instantly I had two thoughts. Well three. First, if all the critters are the same age, weight and model, and you dress them identically, what do you expect from rookies like me? You can’t get angry; they look exactly the same!! Two, what kind of absolute nutbags plan their pregnancies within a week of one another? I came to find out that the other two were 17 and 14 days old respectively. Who does this? Hey I have an idea, let’s all go ruin our husbands’ lives all in the span of a week, together! Doesn’t that sound like fun? And three, these poor guys are so screwed. But the funniest part is the moms don’t know how they screwed themselves at the same time. Let me explain…
I won’t pretend that I know much about kids or any of that family la la land garbage. But I do know about being friends with parents. And let me tell you… parents occasionally need a break. In guy land, it is known that the guy with the kid can call you up and within five minutes you will be at his house picking him up with road sodas and a plan to surround him with loads of booze and strange female genitalia. It’s true. Now who are these guys going to call? The “In Case of Emergency Break Glass Friend” has a baby that is three days younger than guy #1’s baby. So he automatically reverts to “Super Emergency Backup Kicker Friend”, who by the way, has a baby that is seven days younger than guy #1’s kid. Ummm, guys, listen close here, I can only say this one way and one time only, believe it when I say it,
“I AM SORRY BUT YOUR LIVES ARE OFFICIALLY OVER. FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER. YOU HAVE TURNED IN YOUR MANHOOD!”
These sick depraved broads did the same thing to themselves. Who are they going to lean on when their little poop factories have their wah wah makers pinned at top throttle volume and hubby is curled up in the fetal position in the corner with his thumb in his mouth? You can’t call your girlfriend anymore, cause she can’t hear her phone ringing over her own hairless Chihuahua. These poor, poor bastards…
Now on to the footballing and really quick hits:
1) Trap Game for sure. Tampa is still playing for the playoffs in the handicapped NFC. They are coming to play, and the weather will in fact favor them a bit. But, on the other hand, Brian “When in doubt throw it straight up in the air” Griese is attempting to quarterback the team. Bodes well for us…
2) We are going to have to throw the thing this week I think. Their defense should be able to stop the “Hoss”. Good throws equal victory…
3) Movie reviews suck. Stop it. What do you think this is? You owe us all shots for wasting our time with that garbage…
4) Tailgating is at A3 again. In the bright sunshine…
5) Victory shots coming at 6:12 p.m. with all the parking trap traffic and all.
Have a happy footballing weekend and enjoy work on Monday, I will be taking an extended weekend…
Thank You and Goodnight…oh, if you are a religious sort, pray for those poor bastards as mentioned above...
Let’s start with the much anticipated sequel to the stylish classic Ocean’s 11. This Time George Clooney is back as Danny Ocean, only this time his sexy wife Tess, played by the luminous Julia Roberts, gets in on the action, making Ocean’s gang an even dozen. Now, I can’t say I’ve actually seen Ocean’s 12. I’ve seen clips, and read other people’s observations, though, and through that I can say with a fair amount of certainty that this send-up is a poor substitute for the original film that beat the ever-loving crap out of the Oakland Raiders in Super Bowl XXXVII. Sure, there are still superstars on the squad. You can’t deny that Brad Pitt and Co. are excellent performers, but 22nd against the run? Are you kidding me? Sure the cast is surprisingly stout against the pass, but you can hardly expect Michael Vick and Aaron Brooks to air it out with much success against the likes of Matt Damon and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Ocean’s 12 has also done a commendable job at pounding out yards on the ground, but I’d like to see them keep it up against the type of stiff holiday season competition they’ll be facing this weekend. Steven Soderbergh would love to prove to the world that he hasn’t lost it and can still helm a blockbuster film as he has done in the past, though I just can’t see how he’ll pull it off without a powerful ending that the audience doesn’t see coming. I know that Ocean’s 12 will do its best to come out strong in a bid to make a theatre run beyond the paltry four weeks this critic is predicting, but it’s going to take a lot more than pretty faces and stylish camera angles. Good luck with Ocean’s 13.
Now on to a movie I know a little bit something about, having seen it on multiple occasions. I’m talking about the latest collaboration between Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar Films, The Incredibles. Wow, I just can’t say enough about this picture. It’s a fresh take on the super hero genre. It focuses on how hard it is for these men and women to lead normal lives, when they are anything but normal. These characters are outstanding. A lot of Hollywood insiders were skeptical about how this movie would perform, and I have to admit that I was among the naysayers. Pixar and Disney had never worked with these kinds of characters before. In the past it was all about monsters and misfits. This time the studios decided to go with real human beings with heart and emotion. I’ll tell you what. It works. It works big time. The characters interact so smoothly with one another that it’s no wonder they are among the best in film at stopping the run, protecting the ball, and scoring in the red zone. Sure, the box office receipts have dropped over the last few weeks, but I expect a big turn around this weekend, and when all is said and done, Mr. Incredible and family will move the chains and clobber the competition. I have to admit, though, I’m a little worried about facing Lemony Snicket in a couple of weeks. Jim Carrey can really bring in the crowds, and Marvin Harrison is the best receiver in the league.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
As for those Denver fans, you would do well to remember that Colorado is way high up in the sky. The air is very thin and it is hard to think…good. Now I know that the events described took place way down her below the atmosphere in San Diego, but I imagine the damage was done years ago, and that these people are permanently challenged. There’s probably some sort of scientific explanation for this sort of thing, so go look it up. Anyway, you should treat these people like you would any challenged individual. I mean, would you laugh and point at a retarded person? No, you would dress them up like a baby and push them around in a stroller so their little retarded legs wouldn’t get tired. Because that’s what nice people do, damn it! Is it getting hot in here?
In order to make this post relevant, instead of a campaign speech for “Biggest Ass Hole Ever. Ever.”, I will now move on to business regarding the San Diego Horsy and/or Lightning Bolts. I have decided to open up a can of worms and bring to light a situation that has never once reared its head in the entire whole world of Chargers or football or anything at all. What are we really going to do with Drew Brees? Okay, I’ve said before that I thought we would let him walk away unhindered. Well, I lied. Since this the first time I have ever lied in my life, I expect a certain amount of slack to be cut for me. Now, before you all get excited and say, “Thank you for making me feel better, Maximum Colossus,” this does not mean I think Brees will be lining up behind center for The Mighty Bolt People next year. It merely means I think we’re gonna get some great stuff for him. Like draft picks and Washington Redskins gear…and maybe a speedboat. You see, the owners have been saying that we can afford the $9,000,0oo (sorry, my zero key broke. So many damn zeros) it would cost to franchise him and then we could let Rivers develop his bench jockeying skills for another year. That sounds splendid, but I ain’t buying it. On the one hand, it sounds like the typical kind of money handling the Chargers executives are known for (see Stephen Alexander, Tim Dwight, Marcellus Wiley), but on the other hand, I think it’s a scam. If the Chargers franchise Brees just to try and trade him, other teams will be inclined to lowball us with their offers as follows:
Us: Would you like to trade us something for our Pro Bowl quarterback we can’t afford to keep anymore?
Washington Redskins: We’ll give you a 5th round draft pick and Mark Brunell.
Not a very pretty set of circumstances, is it? But look what happens if we convince the rest of the league we are intent on keeping Brees as our starter:
Us: What do you losers want?
Washington Redskins: Can we have your extra quarterback? Pleeeease?
Washington Redskins: We’ll give you a 1st round draft pick and a Ford Thunderbird Convertible.
Miami Dolphins: Well, we’ll give a better 1st round draft pick and a Ferrari…and we’ll throw in Disneyworld.
Pretty sweet, huh? So, San Diego, enjoy the Drew Brees experience while it lasts, cause it ain’t gonna last much longer. But, take heart, Philip Rivers will chicken wing us into the post season many times during what is sure to be his illustrious career. Unless Brees wins us the Super Bowl this year, in which case ignore the preceding message cause it’s all about finding out what we can get for Rivers.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
All day long in my ear were these hippie Colorodoans. Never have you met a louder group of less educated monkeys than these degenerates. Now, I have long known that Denver fans may not be the sharpest marbles in the bag, but these guys are the new poster children for surgeon general warning labels. Fetal alcohol syndrome is alive and well and very dangerous. As is binge drinking, as a group these guys were sharing five brain cells and doing their best to put a death grip stranglehold on the last three that were still functioning, albeit at half speed. The abominations and atrocities that were being spouted were bred merely out of hate of all things Charger and were laughable. This group painted with a very broad brush a huge scarlet “M” for moron over their entire state…
Now I am a patient person for the most part. I can’t really remember the last time I really lost the old temper. Well, yes I can but that is a whole other donut and not worth repeating here. Let’s just say I know what “Padre Jail” is, it really does exist.
Halftime bred some Denverites spewing nonsense about the game, our team and us, the fans. After the attacks deteriorated to the most personal of forms, being that they had nothing left to attack as their team was stinking like a steaming Plummer pile on the front lawn, they got really personal. It was about this point where I had to make a choice, allow my blood pressure to continue to skyrocket and risk the inevitable explosion of my entire vascular system, or launch into my own childish tirade. I analyzed my situation for a millisecond, which was a millisecond too long, and then I let them have it. There was nothing personal about it either, I focused on what a terrible football program they were involved with and I was sure after my minutes long eruption, they knew where I stood, along with where their program ranked. Somewhere between Peter McNeeley and the Special Olympic Rowing Team.
Now, I am not proud of what I did (that’s my attempt at remorse) but damned was it fun. Everything about it was pleasurable. To know that it was the Denvers that were on the receiving end made it that much better. At the final gun, all things in second place two games back of us Denver were quiet. There were even some congratulations exchanged. I politely took them and gave the obligatory handshakes and refrained from the middle finger display that seemed appropriate. To the loyal Denvers, Big time royal bite me from all that is Charger…
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
So the Chargers tried to dole out heart attacks all around on Sunday. That was special. The fourth quarter of that game was like eating 4 pounds of mashed potatoes with butter and gravy followed by a punch in the heart from Mike Tyson (before he squandered his millions and developed a drug problem). At least that's what I deduced from the expressions of my fellow Charger 'faithful.' Personally, I was never worried. And since I'm already lying through my teeth, it may be time to come clean in regards to some of my other lapses in fan judgment.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned:
I gave up on my faith that Drew Brees would ever be a successful NFL quarterback.
I felt that giving up David Boston was a foolish manuever that would cripple our already flagging offense to the point of no return.
I had the Bolts pegged for 3 wins, tops. Tops!
I was sure our defense would struggle with the 3-4 and rank somewhere around dead last in the league.
I would not have been surprised to find out that A.J. Smith left every personnel decision up to a magic 8-ball.
I thought Marcellus Wiley was good.
God, it feels good to get that stuff off of my chest.
So, a win is a win and all. And good teams get lucky from time to time. To time. To time. But, damn it, if we don't start beating up on teams again pretty soon, all my posts are going to be this bad. More later, I'm still pretty numb.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Some things that dawned on me over the weekend:
-Denver is a terrible football team.
-San Diego could be much better.
-Cold, wet, rainy football is fun.
-“Whacking Day” went off without a hitch.
-I think that you meant “typhoon” and hurricane, not “tsunami”. Tsunamis are gigantic tide shifts.
-Someone needs to slap the stupid out of Kobe Bryant
-Denver fans are ridiculous. Ludicrous if you will…
-My heart rate reached unsafe levels at times during the game.
-Victory is sweet.
That is all…
Friday, December 03, 2004
1) Why is it that everybody in the NFL is so in love with this "Snake" character? It is my impression that he has to have cooked a 5 star dinner for every single person he has ever come into contact with. Or maybe he has a never ending supply of kidneys to donate. All I know for sure is that nearly every writer I read is just desperate for this guy to succeed. Go figure.
2) Wow. I'm not even going to touch the Ace and Gary references. Especially since last year when those guys came to San Diego they took me out for a lovely night on the town. First we went to a place called Lips. Man were there some fine ladies in there. Then we went to uh- I think it was called The Brass Rail, and the crowd was so nice. And the Bartenders gave us free shots with whipped cream. And we weren't allowed to use our hands to drink them! It was the best time I'd had since running into Chris Mims and Natrone Means at Pure Platinum one Saturday night a few years back (Ryan Leaf didn't show because he was at home studying his play book...and he's a dick).
3) Screw the leg, man. I say give Kaeding the day off. 2-point conversions all day long. It's not like they can cover that one guy in the red zone anyway. Oh crap! Elam's on my fantasy team. Looks like no kicker for me either this week. Karma and all.
4) The Match-ups: Quarterbacks: Our young fella is on pace to have the best TD/INT ratio...EVER!!! Jake the Snake likes to let everybody get involved, no matter what color their jersey. Therefore, Jake gets the nice guy award, but Drew Tsunami gets the Edge (By the way, did you all know that a Tsunami and a Hurricane are the same thing, they just happen in different parts of the world? Meteorology is fascinating.). Offensive Lines: Now I could go the easy road and mention cut blocks, but that would be a cheap shot. Get it?! That one went right out of the ball park. Anyway, until I see "Super Amazing Guy" dominate a couple of games in a row, Denver gets the Edge. Running Backs: Send your hate mail, but you have to credit to whoever that guy is who's number came up, allowing him to run for Denver. I mean, uh...you know who I'm talking about- that guy is pretty damn there and all. I'm going to have to give Denver the Edge for right now, while I wait patiently to be happily proven retarded for saying so. Tight Ends:...............Are you kidding? Wide Receivers: We're stepping up at the position, but Smith is resurging big time. And I like their Penis car (It hauls), so give Denver the Edge. Defensive backs: Champ sucks this year. Hurray! Sammy's isnt there for them to pick on, which puts Florence out there. That guy may not be the shut down type, but I think he's a playmaker, so I'm giving us the nod. Quickly, their D-line is better, but our Linebackers rock. Overall: What do you think? Seriously. We get the Edge, cause that's the way I like it.
5) Oh God, this crap again? I don't even want timeouts anymore. Nobody gets any. Period. I've got enough to bitch about. Like work. And that other chick. God, I hate her! And did I forget to put trick plays in my list of likes. I hope we run 10 of them. If we lined up Igor at wide receiver and had Mike Scifres throw to him I would have to change my shorts.
6) My Lock: Okay. I'll bite. I'm ready to get into it. Does anybody remember a guy named Kellen Winslow? You know, one of the original pioneers of Tight End as Receiver. Not a bad player. Favorite target of one of the most prolific Quarterbacks to ever play the game? Well, in case you didn't notice, our boy "First Down! Vying to be Touchdown!" just broke Winslow's Tight End TD record for the Chargers...with 5 games left! They couldn't cover this guy with something that was scientifically designed by NASA to cover Tight Ends named Antonio Gates. I know it's easy, but this guy is my lock every week.
7) Does it count if I bounce your head off the Altar. Oh screw it, I'll take the over either way, you nail biting sissy!
So here it is. Final Analysis. The point of no return. How will this game go? This is our time to prove it. This is not the team they saw in Denver. That is not the team we saw in Denver. A good one? You bet your ass it's going to be a good one. Because we're going to assert our dominance. We're going to show the world that we are too good for this division. Any division, for that matter. If there's anyone out there who hasn't hopped on the wagon, you better be quick, cause this thing's about to go into overdrive. Chargers 37, Broncos 20
1) Jake “The Snake”, good God how I hate this guy. It is my belief that this guy can be shakier than the offspring of a Tourette’s victim and an epileptic that forgot his medicine. Randall Godfrey and the rest of the 3-4 need reinstate “Whacking Day”. Bring your clubs boys, got a snake to whack.
2) Two guys named Ashlei, and Rod. Sounds like the resurgence of Ace and Gary to me. If the guys playing outfield at the Murph Sunday can handle the Ambiguous Duo, we should be in good shape.
3) Death by Leg. Get ready for this logic, ready: Jason Elam vs. Nate “Saturday Night Kansas Style” Kaeding. Whoever wins this battle loses this game. Them legging us to death plus us scoring quarter bricks equals good things for us. I will take the E-lamb. I wonder if that guy dreams about sheep on cold nights in Colorado…
4) The matchups: Quarterbacks: Edge: Us (Barely), Offensive Lines: Edge: Them (Barely), Running Backs: Edge: Us (Big Us), Tight Ends: Edge: Us (Partner, you care to handle this one?), Receivers: Edge: Even (Parker shines this week as the number two, watch, I am telling you…), Defensive Backs: Edge: Them (Only slightly, and only because the Effeminate Pirates made the Champ look like the Chump in the snow), Overall: Edge: Us (Slightly, like getting a two point home field advantage in your fantasy league, …..dorks.)
5) Prop Bet Numero Uno: Over/Under on Bolts bad timeouts plus Bolts trick plays. I am setting the line at 1.5. I am taking the under. If this goes over, there is no telling what might happen to those sitting in the first five rows behind me. They may be sprayed with gray matter when my cranium explodes.
6) My lock of the week: Tomlinson. They are going to have to prove they can stop him. I think we can run on them and he has been really quiet lately…shhh. Don’t give away the secrets that only a blessed few (us) know. They have been saving him for this week, Prop Bet #2: Over/Under Rushing Yard for the Beast: 151. I got the over…..shhhhh….!
7) Prop Bet # 3: Over/Under on the amount of times my head bounces off of the altar. The line is 3.5. The over might be a good bet here, but I will let you call it…
Final thoughts, I think this is going to be a good one. I know that this is going to be a good one. I think that we can win. I think that we are out to prove something. I think we should run up the score. Can we accomplish all of this? Absoulutely. Will we accomplish all of this? Can’t say for sure, but I can say that I plan on having victory shots at exactly: 4:21 p.m. Pacific Time. I hope you all enjoy our “Magnitude” weekend. That is all….
Thursday, December 02, 2004
I see your likes and I raise you mine: I too like the color blue, boobs on girls, cold beers and football teams bearing our name. Pizza from the Bronx, my new shirt, foam fingers, and beanies when it’s colder than the hands of an Alaskan bar fly. Ronald Curry when he does his Bree Walker impression, Dante Hall point shaving, Ummm… Amazing Grace and Chuck (great film), yeah, that one chick, I remember her mmmmm…Illegal touching penalties and of course Patron Tequila.
I see your dislikes and I raise you all of ‘em: Bad Kickers, Bad!!, Sealab 2021 (stupid scary cartoon), Ashlei Leilie on 4th and 9, Denver (all of it), Colorado while were at it, Fantasy Dorks (you know they all played Dungeons and Dragons as kids, wait, probably still do), meetings on Fridays…, Brent Jones speaking, the end of Happy Hour, bad sushi, Oakland, Gas Prices, tequila in plastic bottles, those other chicks (thank god for cartoons that night) and smart ass authors saying I told you so in their posts.
Okay so I wasn’t as composed as I should have been against the Chiefs. But I have valid reasoning beyond being spoiled by the awesomeness that was the middle of the season. In the football games that we were decimating the competition, we were the Super Chargers, playing mistake free football, dominating, destroying and stomping on their collective groins with a twist of our foot pummeling the competition. Beating the other squads soundly were we. Mistake free football, did I list that in the “likes” section above?
In the last two games, yes victories, yes close games, yes exciting, and yes sometimes inducing heads to bounce off of wooden altars out of frustration. There were too many mistakes, too many incidents of Charger football of yore. Timeouts burning like villages in the Sudan, Penalties mounting like bulldogs in the park, luck be a lady plays like fumbled kickoff returns and dropped wide open passes against us, oh by the way both for touchdowns. Passes to offensive linemen? I mean come on. Yes we won, but bottom line is none of those games are even close if we aren’t actually trying to sodomize ourselves with our own skulls during the course of them. I love my footballing team, yes I do. No, I will never think they suck again, well that’s not true, but it certainly isn’t true now. I now hold them to a higher level of expectation, I want to see the football team that can beat Indianapolis (side note: Do you want to be the team that is forever known as the team that “Pay Some Man”ing breaks Marino’s record against?). I saw them for a while but in the last couple of weeks they were gone. They need to play to that level or yes I will be angered like the volcano God in the Brady Bunch. Did you ever see that one where Greg falls off the surfboard? Just genius that Sherwood Schwartz was!
That’s it. The foam finger comes out this Sunday. So it has been said, so it shall be done.
Friday fun tomorrow…
It seems many people (and I won’t name names) started to get awfully spoiled by some pretty big blowouts in the middle of the season. I mean, if you absolutely spank the Saints and the Raiders in your own house, you should be able to destroy anybody, anywhere, anytime. Hmm. Nope. Sorry. Too many worried faces surrounding me on Sunday. Too many Charger fans already forming the words, “I knew it. We suck,” with their lips, practicing in their heads just how they were going to say it for the best possible effect. And where did all these Denver fans get my cell phone # (You got yours, didn’t you boys?)? Now, I’m not going to blame these “Bolts faithful” for being ready. I won’t condemn them as they brace for the collapse, because we’ve seen it before. 5-2 to 5-11. 6-1 to 8-8. I, too, am practically counting on some Charles Schultzian punch line to this season. But, you know what? Lucy be damned, I’m going to try and kick that ball. I am not going to fear the fourth quarter collapse, the defensive penalty or the special teams breakdown. This team is for real, and we are not going to drop the ball against 3-6 and 3-7 teams, so quit acting like we are! Thank you.
Now on to likes and dislikes.
Likes: Steak, the color Blue, Antonio Gates and his smorgasbord of touchdown goodness, boobs (on women), puppies, Drew Brees’ stat line since last time we played Denver (18 TDs, 1 INT, 69% Comp.), the movie “Blade Runner”, that one chick, Donnie Edwards’ magical journey to interception land and Jack Daniels Whiskey.
Dislikes: Asparagus soda (it’s a real product), the color purple ( I’m so over purple), LaDainian’s groin (lets’ face it, he was the only one falling down on that turf all day), boobs (on men(I know you didn’t see that coming)), rabid bears, Jake Plummer’s career success vs. the Chargers (which I don’t have numbers on, but I’m pretty certain ain’t pretty for us), the movie “John Carpenter’s Ghosts of Mars”, that other chick, Nate Kaeding’s “Here, Have a Heart Attack” party and Cutty Sark (just kidding, I’ve never even had Cutty Sark. No one has).
So what’s in store for this week? Real scary stuff. This week there will be no hard feelings towards those of you who want to cover your eyes, bang your heads on the bar, and try out some new swear words (you’ve got to use them a lot before they sound natural). Denver is mad, and this could be their season. They aren’t terribly consistent, but they’re capable of being dangerous. We need to be focused and determined because there is no margine for error in a game of this magnitude. Add the word ‘magnitude’ to my list of likes. Scoreboard Sunday…Charger 21, Broncos 20.
Just kidding! We’re gonna beat their asses you Nancies! Go Bolts!!! (That’s three exclamation points, so you know I mean it)
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Sunday brought us a nightmare of a game. A cardiac arrest inducing screaming match at the televisions. I, for one was standing firmly planted on top of the panic button with the weight of a portly elephant on my shoulders. This game felt like the day after the 2004 Turkey Bowl, conveniently played on a field of broken glass and rusty nails. No sort of comfort level was ever even close to being achieved, and the overwhelming feeling of total stomach evacuation was present until the V. formation was achieved in the final minutes.
Now I am not one for the idea that good teams get the breaks and that’s what makes them good teams. For whatever reason, call it experience, I will never be comfortable with our special teams play. Not that they have played badly this year, I am just used to their lapses enough that Dante Hall was a very scary man, only shorter, come Saturday night. I was very afraid. Very afraid. Low and behold Mr. Hall went nuts. Good thing for us that he choked on the pork chop at about the twelve and after a quick self induced Heimlich, the piggy was back in the Bolts hands. Disaster averted, well delayed until he made up for his memorable gaff by successfully holding on to the ball until he reached the magical six point line. Right about now I could hear the Pony fans extolling the virtues of all things Chief, and their laughter just burned my ear canals. It was like witnessing a high speed pursuit through the streets of L.A. rooting for the guy to get away. After he crashes and is thrown from the vehicle you are devastated that it’s over. Then out of nowhere he drags himself out of his Pontiac by his broken arm and continues to limp down the road. YES! It’s not over yet…
It’s a good thing that the Good Guys never got themselves rattled. As some of us were being talked off the ledge, Skip started picking at the Chiefers like a teenager's acne riddled cheeks. Despite the Zebras attempts to litter the field in Chiefs yellow, what the N.F.L. calls “parity”, we played through the awful officiating. Despite what looked to me like a rookie hazing, a receiver to remain nameless and a certain kicker looked like they had a rough Saturday night out in Kansas. Now, I don’t know what there is to do in Kansas, but I would like to hear from anyone in the “service industry” who may have seen some of our guys out in any sort of questionable establishments enjoying some libations this past Saturday. If there are any female entertainers making their livings in the artful brass pole polishing industry witness to this behavior, please contact this site via email. I am firmly convinced of this. Fortunately, the guys must have snuck in some Advil and a nap at some point because they pulled it back together.
Player of the Game: Sorry Mr. Gates, this one goes to the Skipper this week. Unbelievable game. Lights out. Just awesome.
Play of the Game: Sorry Mr. Osgood, Donnie got you this week with that miraculous interception and return in what might be called a “critical” point in the game. The good thing is we share an alma mater and I know that you will show up here again at some point soon. We Aztecs got to stick together. Keep hauling in midget kick returners and catching 65 yard passes…
Play of the Day: Pony fans vomiting their frozen Rocky Mountain guts out as that last ditch three point effort was dropped like a Pistons fan. How’s that second place feel? How’s it feel?
All by ourselves, the train keeps rolling…..
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Inspired by my co-contributor once again, I too have assembled my views on the 32 teams competing in the National Football League this year. I must admit, mine is not nearly as comprehensive as his, but what I lack in content, I try to compensate for in quality.
Chargers: Best running back+best tight end+best hit this year on Jerry Porter= Best.Team.Ever.
Other 31 Teams: In the immortal words of Jeff Spicoli, "Those guys are fags."
Next issue: Drew Brees. I'm actually starting to believe this may not be his swan song after all. No, I'm not saying the Chargers will make the unprecedented move of trading away their first round pick before ever really putting him on the field. And I'm certainly not inferring that we'll keep Rivers on the bench for another year, or that Brees will gladly accept less money and a back-up role. I believe that Brees will stay in San Diego because I'm pretty sure I saw a bunch of guys in head-to-toe Bolts gear drag Philip Rivers into the back of a white cargo van last night. I can't be positive, but Chargers spokespeople won't return my calls, so you add it up.
Now for the 'piece de resistance' (that's French, cause this is a classy board and all), analysis and prediction for this week's contest. Let me start by saying that I am aware that I have pretty heavily copped out on this stuff over the last few weeks, with a lot of "We're gonna slaughter this," and "We're gonna demolish that," but after last week's close call I'm going to go ahead and earn my keep here.
The Chargers currently sit tied atop the AFC West with the filthy Broncos, sporting an impressive 7-3 record. Unfortunately, our club is only 1-3 against teams that have a winning record so far this season. That is cause for concern if you consider that the Chiefs, tied up in the cellar of the aforementioned AFC West along side the lowly Raiders at 3-7, have achieved all three of their victories versus teams with quality win-loss records. In fact, they beat the ever loving crap out of the Falcons, who came along and stole one from us a week before. Ouch. Trent Green has thrown a solid handful of 300 yard games and KC's running game tends to be prolific, to say the least. All this may explain why we are 3 1/2 point underdogs this coming Sunday. That there is all the bad news.
Now for the good news. True, the Chiefs offense is capable of amassing yards upon yards of football advancement week in and week out. Unfortunately for them, however, even 500+ total yards was not enough to take out the oh-so-ridiculous Saints a couple weeks back. We beat them, right? And even though Derrick Blaylock is a more than capable back-up, our opponent's running game becomes far less threatening without Priest Holmes, who in years past, the Chargers have approached tackling as if he were an icky bug. We shall not even mention the ultra agressive Gunther Cunningham defense, except to say that it baffles this football fan to try and figure out how it's worse than the D they fielded last year.
In closing, this game actually frightens me. Do I feel we should win? Of course I do. I feel that things are definitely stacked to our favor right now. But the Chiefs get to play the rest of the season with virtually nothing on the line. I have no doubt they will relish the role of spoiler, and we can not afford to make some of the glaring mistakes we made in Oakland. In my estimation, scoreboard will read, Chargers: A teeny bit more than the Chiefs, Chiefs: A tiny bit less than the Chargers. and I can live with that. Go Bolts!
The Have No Idea What Will Happen Teams:
The Gints, Overachieving running back, ancient quarterback that gets sacked with a finger that looks like a telephone cord. Bring in the Little Brother and let’s experiment.
Bucs, New quarterback at the helm that rivals Aaron Brooks for the worst throws in N.F.L. history. Patchwork team, playing okay right now, but they still are in this category.
Jacksonville, If Bryon was healthy they may move up. But his knees are “fragile” (must be Italian) and who knows what this backup clone of his can actually do.
J.E.T.S, with Pennington they can move up considerably. With a blow addict at the helm, well, appropriate category. Curtis Martin is still playing out of his mind after ten years.
Minnesota, similar to the Jets, in that with no Moss they are depleted. Struggled against Detroit. Culpepper is much improved with his best receiver out there.
The How Do They Win So Many Games Teams:
Ravens, good “D”, shaky quarterback. Winning games due to M.V.P. Ed Reed. Ray Ray always good for some antics.
Seahawks, they could fit into any category I have developed here. They are head cases due to their Rams fiascos. Their receiving corps is also very special. Aged Hall of Famer, and guys who have pot fetishes and drop footballs.
The We Think They Are Good Teams Teams:
Packers, hard to doubt Brett Favre. But there is still that 48-10 debacle at home to Tennessee. Too tough to get on their wagon with anything but reputation.
Falcons, No doubt they are winning games. Not impressively, and no real serious competition yet. But their record and their “Quartering Back” keeps them here for now.
Ponies from Kobeland, a top their division. Skeptical about their running back. And for that matter their very over rated Quarterback. Definitely don’t give off the odor of invincibility, but first place is first place.
Our Bolts, the next three games will tell the story for us. We almost don’t even need to say anymore.
The Good (read: favorites):
The Iggles, playing well. Quarterback can be amazing, can also be indecisive and sketchy. Me-O is Me-O, someone needs to cover him. Defense is their weakness and I think can be exploited.
Pittsburgh, riding momentum. Should be derailed soon. Young Impressive Quarterback. Overachieving older running back. Excellent defense. Have that "team" thing working like a few others. I think they fit pretty nicely here at #3.
Indy, potent offense, that’s for sure. Quarterback is very full of himself but has performed thus far. Defense once again can be exploited. Something seems like it is missing here to me… maybe a year away. Maybe this year. Maybe never…
New England, fresh off a big win on Monday. Very composed quarterback. Almost seems numb out on the field. Strong “team” atmosphere leads to the ownership of lesser foes in the past (read: Colts). Umm, defending champs? This is going to be an interesting post season. Again.
That’s my list. I feel pretty good about it. I am sure there will be much disagreement with my assessments. But I like the way it has settled out. Any thoughts?
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
On a side note, the definition of “that guy” is the guy on the beach in the way to small speedo dragging a boogie board behind him with Ben Wallace’s afro sprouting out of every conceivable exit to his swimwear. “The guy” inevitably gets caught in an undertow and has to be dragged out of the ocean like a dripping wet mop by some unfortunate lifeguard. Now, back to what I wanted to say…
My team by team analysis of the N.F.L. through week 11:
Teams That Really Suck:
San Francisco, really no other way to describe what is going on here besides poetic justice. By the way, where are all the loudmouth niner fans now?
Oakland, really bad football team. They have their work cut out for them. Can’t stop the run, can’t really run an offense.
New Orleans, these guys played a horrible football game this Sunday. Aaron Brooks is just horrible. He makes worse decisions than all of the Indiana Pacers combined.
Miami, Really not good on offense. Defense isn’t that far away. Abysmal offensively. Or offensively abysmal.
Dallas, You have a 52 year old quarterback and you are 3-7. I think it’s over, let the young guy start.
Teams That Just Suck a Little Less:
Carolina, just destroyed by injury. Go git ‘em next year.
Cleveland, they should be in the above category. They really suck. I mean really. If Garcia is getting benched you know something is really wrong.
Cards, as long as they play eight games on the road they are in trouble. If they change the schedule to give them 16 home games they might go 10-6.
Bears, Ryan Leaf might be able to get a tryout here next year.
Bills, 62 year old crippled quarterback. Stop the run and you stop the Bills. Bledsoe should be getting sacked more than a call girl in Vegas…
The Almighty Rams, they sacked Bledsoe zero times. That team is quitting before our eyes.
Bengals, Titans, Lions, these are the kind of teams that when they win you aren’t really surprised, but the few wins just manage to stick out more than their unspectacular losses. Really not good programs, with a miniscule amount of potential. But hey, it’s a start…
Teams That Suck But Shouldn’t:
Kansas City, if you can’t stop anyone you have to score 73 points. Until they figure out how to do that they remain here. Can beat any team in any week with a healthy running back.
Washington, Good defense, good running back. No quarterback. Receivers who drop the ball. They are not that far away from success.
Texans, young and talented. They just need some time to figure out how to play football. Like Brittney Spears, they will either achieve massive success or totally derail and kill everyone on board.
Part II tomorrow…
I’m not trying to say that I don’t agree with a lot of what you are saying, but it just doesn’t seem to warrant the level of doom and gloom you’re giving it. Sure, it sucks that “Captain Carry –the-ball” had to grab the rock 37 times in a game that probably never should have been in doubt, but it was. And it was an important game to win as it sends us into a very testy little stretch with a little less to worry about. Good teams have bad games and they win them. Like we did. If Payton Manning makes that toss to Marvin Harrison at the end of the game, it’s a testament to their greatness. Their ability to persevere. Why should it be any different for us. Our tandem has rocked with great consistency for a number of weeks now. You act like that’s the first time you’ve seen that sort of thing out of this team this year. You know it isn’t. Enjoy it.
Maybe we got a little comfortable with this team, and maybe that affected our clock management and play calling and concentration. And maybe we had a bit of a bye week hangover and maybe the Raiders prepared a little harder in the face of San Diego’s first regular season sweep of them in twelve years. The bottom line is, no matter how bad it looked, it was our bad win. Let’s wait until someone hands us our ass before we get too upset.
I believe this team can play with anybody right now, but there are ups and downs to come. And I have no problem sleeping at night after a game like that one. Here’s your cliché for the day. Scoreboard, baby! Scoreboard!
Yesterday I mentioned the coaching gaffs of the day. I neglected one major gaff. I didn’t quite think it so important yesterday for it is semi convoluted, but I think it merits taking a look at. “Hoss” had 37 carries. Yes he rushed for 160+ yards. Yes he looked good. Strong like bull. But I am still dumbfounded that after the bye week, a) we looked terrible and b) our running back was getting healthy and you decide to up his workload tremendously. It’s not like we don’t have a competent backup in Jesse Chatman that could have spelled the “Hoss” for a few plays. If he starts coming up lame again I am going to be furious.
I never was able to find any sense of comfort in this game. As Skip tossed that third down prayer to essentially ice the game, the crowd erupted. I couldn’t even cheer. It was such a terrible play on so many levels that I was just relieved it was over. I couldn’t cheer for what was nearly a huge disaster. Not only was Skip nearly sacked, he threw off balance. If that ball falls incomplete, the clock is stopped and the Effeminate Pirates have another shot at us. Safe to say that I am very glad that things turned out the way they did and we got a tough road win leading into another big road one next week. That group on Sunday just shook my confidence a bit with their play. We were so used to seeing progression, the team getting better each week. This was a monster step backwards for many reasons as mentioned. And that “holy God I am going to pull my eyes out so I don’t start crying” feeling of watching the evil time out monster back in action full force. I don’t know why people don’t talk about this more. We can’t apparently get our turd together to run plays properly. It is a problem that has already cost us one game, and in this division, it cannot cost us another. I am done, I promise. At least until it happens again… then all bets are off. I might lose my mind….
Lastly, my really hugest apologies to Randall Godfrey. Yesterday I identified the “Destruction of Jerry Porter Missile” as Steve Foley. It was in fact Mr. Godfrey. The best part is watching Porter on the ground, reminds me of that old Snickers commercial, “Who am I?”, “You’re Coach…” “Who are you?”, “I’m Batman!!” Classic gem.
My “State of the N.F.L.” thoughts later….
Two years ago, a kid named Brees and his high school all-star game running back, had the San Diego Chargers out to a 6-1 start. The best start this team had achieved since it went to that game that people are always acting like it would be a good idea to go to. The Super Challenge Fighting Match-up or something like that. Now a lot of observers of this blog might say 6-1, 7 games, is a weird cut off point. Not quite halway through the season. Why would 6-1 be relevent? What happened the next week? Did we reach the halfway point in style? Well, the answer is nyet. Nyet! Nyet! Nyet! We entered the bye. We entered the stinking bye on a roll. We were impressive. We were then much like we were before going into this bye. And then we dropped the biggest stinker I can remember to a Jets team that was something like 2-4. They destroyed us. We were exposed. We couldn't scrap, and we couldn't overcome adversity. That year the Jets turned their season around on that one game and made the postseason. We were never the same. 8-8, no more games. You all know.
So we can all sit around and bitch and moan that we didn't slaughter the Raiders like we all know we should have. We can lament that we tried to give away the game and they just didn't want it. But yours truly here will take the win. I've seen what this team can do this year. More often now than I've seen the other, and I take heart in the fact that we can suck it up and drop a 20 yard rainbow off the back foot into the arms of our best midseason pick-up ever, when we have no other choice. Go Bolts!
Monday, November 22, 2004
1) Giving the ball to the fullback on the one yard line, who generally doesn’t get many (read: none) carries, and he proceeds to cough up a pig inches from the goal line. The general point of football is to breach the “goal” line. It is the “goal”, hence the name.
2) Halfback passes. Halfback passes are stupid. They don’t work (ask Herm Edwards) and they do not belong in the game if you are a good team. Why are we reduced to trick plays against the bottom dwelling Raiders?
3) Now this one really gets the acid reflux boiling. I can taste the bile. I still can’t believe that this actually took place and as I am still seething about it, I know it really did happen. We line up for a field goal, motion a lineman attempting to draw some laundry from the officials. Even the morons in Silver and Black don’t fall for this so we fry a timeout. Fine with me we can just move on now. Kick the ball, punt the ball whatever, just move on. Move on. We come out of the timeout, line up in field goal formation and miss the freakin’ kick. If we were going to kick it all along, why not just kick it the first time? Instead, we successfully managed to "ice" our own kicker. Awesome.
4) Throwing the ball once again very near the “goal” line to an offensive lineman. Let me get this straight just so I understand what happened here. We have arguably the best running back in the league and we decide to throw the ball to an offensive lineman? Said ball proceeds to clank off of Old Roman’s hands. Just so we are clear, do you think there is a reason Roman plays offensive line? Do you think that if he had any better than a Bree Walker’s chance at that ball he might be playing receiver? Obviously, Roman’s catching prowess has diminished somewhat during his career.
I am done with the coaches. Putting all of that behind me we come to the players performances from yesterday. This is what I like to call “the ugly” portion of the post. Ugly like the girls you met in college at 2 a.m. after “bladder buster” fifty cent beer night. This was the poorest game of the season as far as execution is concerned. We were terrible on offense. Just terrible. We were up to all of our old tricks, incompletions, fumbles, scorching timeouts, just plain awful. Combined with the fact that we were playing so poorly right after the bye week making this game all the more hideous. We escaped with victory this weekend which is nice, but we can’t play that brand of football anymore. That was complete utter useless garbage and we should have lost that game. Fortunately the Raiders and their fans are very, very bad and they couldn’t take advantage of some opportunities. Of course this is all their own fault as they employ players that do incredible things like trying to date rape themselves.
Finally, the “good” portion of the post. We did some things right, and in no particular order:
1) The Defense. The defense was okay. Not great, not horrible. Nice hit on Jerry Porter by a missile that looked like Mr. Foley. That hit had Porter in tears as he had forgotton who he played for. When they informed him that he was indeed on the Raiders and that they were God awful, he broke down and then asked Mr. Foley to hit him again, only harder so that he would forget all of that horror again.
2) Miraculously, we scored more points than them. And thanks to a really bad block in the back call, and a receiver with a case of Roman Oben’s shared malady with a certain newscaster we escaped. The final score was a pretty sight in a day long sea of horse pooh.
3) The 4:17 victory shot prediction came true. Exactly. 4:17 on the nose. I am officially awesome. Officially.