Wednesday, November 30, 2005

If the Bolts Move to L.A., Hillcrest has Room for a Team...

As is known world wide, darling Jacksonville quarterback, ‘Bryon’ Leftwich is out for the season with a broken Ankiel, uh, ankle. Now, I am not here to denigrate Bryon, but, there were many who were a thinking that under his leadership the dear old loveable Jags would be waltzing on into the playoffs via a wild card over teams like ours due to cupcake competition along the way. And I don’t mean the eating kind even though I’d bet that Bryon would be good in one of those too. That guy’s jersey is screaming in pain from all the stretching it’s doing on Sunday’s. To say he tests the breaking point of the threads weekly is an understatement. Guess what folks? Never been much of a Bryon fan, probably won’t ever become a convert, and the Cards nearly beat the Spotted Kitties back to Hurricane Land. David Garard a capable backup? Maybe. Or, here’s an idea, Bryon just isn’t that good... Follow up to this story is that new media Superman (allegedly), A.K.A. Matt Jones will not be getting a start at the quarterbacking position, despite his college resume. And no I am not harboring any bitterness that we are still a game back of the Kitties for now.

During Monday night’s game, one that was colossally traumatic to watch as an anti-Manning fan, in commercial break number 692, I saw a preview for what is known to some as the ‘George Lopez Show’. Now, this is hardly groundbreaking stuff I realize, but what was interesting about said preview was the outfit that what I assume to be his way too hot for him wife was wearing resembled our Quarterback’s jersey. In fact, I am fairly positive of this as they showed her twice, but seeing as how I was trying to find entertainment in watching the ceiling fan spin, I could be wrong. Someone help me out here and let me know if I was just dizzy from all the neck rolls I was doing. Oh, and I could have sworn that the second time they showed her, the number was backwards. No I wasn’t drinking or doing any illicit drugs.

Note: The program is on while I am sitting here right now, and yes it is our outstanding quarterback’s jersey she is wearing. I don’t know how I feel about this. Wait, I think I am okay with this. But isn’t George Lopez a TailRaider fan? Or is that Carlos Santana, I’m confused…

So, I have developed yet another problem with this ‘team’ that will be attempting to invade our home turf this weekend. It is that time again folks. Yep, it’s TailRaider week. That time of the year when the now loveable losers from Oakland come not storming but sashaying into town, occupying all of the available hotels in the greater Hillcrest and Northpark area. Parading around in their stunningly feminine black and silver mostly leather S&M gear, sporting fashionable whips, and chain adornments. Yep, it’s TailRaider week, which means if you have to tie your shoe, make sure you have a solid, preferably brick constructed object to back up to and lean against.

In what is already a quiver of problems with this ultra borderline ‘team’, TailRaider week has become rather a joke in the last few years. Far removed from the Super Bowl team that was soundly throttled by their ex-coach, this squad still looks as if they take the field without a care in the world, dumbfounded by the fact that they are actually supposed to win a game. It’s gotten to the point where this team has actually become a sad parody of itself and its fans in the now. Evidence? There is a guy named Violator, self proclaimed super TailRaider Fan. In an article I read last month, he spent the entire interview illustrating how the Black Hole folk were good people, signed a lot of autographs for kids, and basically obliterated the notion that the Transvestite fans were intimidating at all. Right down to the fanny pack he wears with his garb to hold his gear. Yep, a hip purse. He reiterated how tough it is when opposing fans rip him for his choice in women’s wear. Had I the ability to find the link you would have it so you could laugh your pants soiled like I did. But, if you see him at the Murph this weekend, and he is pretty prevalent, some who post here have met him, make sure to point out his man bag. He loves it.

Now the point here isn’t to make fun of this team or their fans (lie) but to really emphasize that what used to be a fairly competitive rivalry has become somewhat of a lopsided matchup anymore. It is too easy (LIE) to just sit back and pick on the cross dressing, fanny pack wearing version of the Yankees of Football, and it would be nice once in a while (lie) to be able to see a worthy bay area opponent take the field against our far superior football team (truth). Is it too much to ask of Mr. Davis to finally stop bottom feeding for castoff coaches that have never achieved much in the way of success? Would it be too much to ask for him to actually try to put together a team that is not only talented but has a leader that will inspire the wannabe convicts to actually play out a full game, let alone an entire season? It’s funny to me that Randy Moss still is only playing when he feels like it, which is for about a minute and a half in the first quarter before the team inevitably falls behind. Warren Sapp demands that the defense be reorganized to suit his game, then shows up looking like he swallowed a piano, and yet would still be a worthy opponent for ‘Bryon’ in an obstacle course, or cupcake eating contest. This team is now a joke. What was once a fun, bitter, competitive, hate fueled rivalry with the least educated fans in the game, has now become another walk in the park, slaughterhouse Sunday. I am getting sort of tired of looking at the schedule and seeing TailRaider week in print and immediately chalking up a victory for us (LIE!! I’LL NEVER GET TIRED OF BEATING THEM.). For the love of God would it kill someone if they tried to beat us once in a while?? Eleven point favorites with the opening line on Tuesday…. Not that I keep track of those things.

Now I have to go and see if my sixteen brain cells can get together long enough to compose something coherent about Sunday night’s game.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Thoughts. Some New, Some...

This has been constructed in a few parts so forgive me if there is any information that may already have been beaten to death T.O. style by the time you take three minutes out of your busy work day to waste some time. Kick your feet up and wish you had a laptop so you could enjoy this in the crapper…

Sunday was the day of the defense. Our usual run stoppers were out there doing what they do, and doing it well, whilst the secondary was having a respectable day against a, against a, uh, mediocre passing game? Yeah, mediocre works there. Santana Moss had yet another good one, causing Herm Edwards and Jets management to reach for the Zantac again. On to the other side of the ball where, as previously mentioned by Mr. Colossus, numero twenty one did what he does when allowed to do so. And this was against the “…most offensive nickname in sports.” (Canepa, 11/22) Can we get over this yet??? Still with the nicknames? Sorry, useless tangent. The 'Skins defense looks like some of The Lord Trilogy Orcs in jerseys. Every guy out there was an absolute monster, and they all do their best to bring the pain. Sean Taylor, Lavar, all the guys in those wonderfully ‘70’s colored maroon and gold unis are just pure beasts. All Kid 21 did was go for 184 on the ground with a measly 29 in the air, and an 18 pack… be sure to read previous post titled, “Mysterio is our Secondary Coach” for some more elaborate thought on this. But I will say that he is a favorite, and if anything happens to him, well, let’s not…

We escaped a bit with this win. I wasn’t entirely convinced we played well, but the O’line battled all day, won some and lost some. Looked like the quarterback was a bit rattled, and it showed in his numbers 22-44 215, 3 really bad ones. But he did his fair share of running from the Orcs, and he did some good too. My only problem is the 44 tries, but they gave it a go, tried something different, er well, by that I mean throwing it, but I also mean they threw it at rookie Carlos Rodgers probably 43 times, and he did just fine. I guess this was another attempt at killing Marty’s legacy. Whatever guys, wait until the game REALLY means something, the tears won’t mix with the vomit well, and I will be sitting with my middle finger up at all these jokers…

“Marty Schottenheimer. He's killed Martyball. Many so-called witnesses don't believe it, but it's true, and at least he's brought sanity, professionalism and winning to the Chargers.” (Canepa, 11/24)

I guess I am a so-called witness, and I agree it’s true that there is winning and professionalism here now. That’s good. Sanity, that’s never been here (see: San Diego City Council). That first sentence I promise will be proven wrong. I promise. I’ll bet on it, I will challenge Nick himself to a bet on it for any stakes. Somebody send this to the UT for me… “Oh Porterhouse, look at the wax build up on these shoes I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed wih a fine chamois, and I want them now. Chop chop.”

Next on the list is Mr. Salisbury. Now I am getting tired of picking on Sean, but tonight he awarded the best coaching performance to Coach S, for giving the ball to Kid 21 yesterday. Let me get this straight as I am not always very smart, but giving the ball to the best player in the NFL, the one Coach S says is the best ever, makes you a great coach? Graded against that criteria, I’d be the best coach ever, cause Kid 21 gets the ball every single freakin’ time in my offense. Run, catch passes, climb tall buildings and knife the kids throwing pennies from up there, he’s our guy. I know I am picking on Sean, but that guy ruined more than a few football games wearing our jersey some time ago. Yeah, I am vengeful. I’m the guy that glued somebody to a toilet seat, so what?

I have some more, but that will have to wait until tomorrow. That one guy is about to change the words to that stupid song again…*($&)&*$_#%$G SONG!!!!

Mysterio Is Our Secondary Coach

Okay, I’m just going to go ahead and start off with a quote from a guy who inexplicably writes about football for a living. And keep in mind, when I say for a living, I mean he gets paid actual money and doesn’t need to supplement his income working evenings as a barista at Starbuck’s. Ready? Here it is?

“(Nov. 22, 2005) -- History is six games away for the undefeated Colts, and there are going to be three fierce challenges along the way -- Monday night against Pittsburgh, Dec. 11 at Jacksonville and Dec. 24 at Seattle. “

Granted, this joker wrote this before that remarkable nail biter in Washington yesterday, but I’m still sick of this stunning lack of acknowledgement. Of course, you do want teams to look past you. To be unprepared. But that’s the thing. You know the Colts consider us a threat. You know they remember when we came to town last year and nearly snatched one away. And you can’t possibly think they believe their defense is as good as the talking sports heads would have us believe. They’ve got their match up with the Bolts marked on their calendar. Believe that! Only the sports “experts” don’t. And the people that don’t ever here about us, because we are an afterthought to the other half of the country. I read one the other day where the guy actually said we’d end their undefeated season, because Dungy would have clinched home field advantage by then and would rest his starters. Thanks for the back-handed compliment. Can we take any pride in being better than the Colts’ back-ups. Please, someone steer me towards the douche bag who says we aren't better than their scrubs. Cause you know that column is out there somewhere!

On to yesterday's obsevatorious remarks (That is totally a word. Shut up.).

Can we put the whole debate to sleep yet? I know Shaun Alexander and Tiki Barber are putting up fine and impressive numbers, but seriously, people, LaDainian Tomlinson is simply the best in the game. Occasionally, teams will load up and take him out of a game to some degree. Sometimes it’s our coaching that trips him up. But more often than not he is just quite obviously the most amazing player on the field. Any field. Yesterday, from thousands of miles away, he saved thousands of people from suffering heart attacks and countless television sets from the spontaneous exploding bottle syndrome. I don't think I need to tell you that those sort of accomplishments go above and beyond what most teams expect from their starting back.

Drew is allowed a little hiccup yesterday(Only considered little cause we won). The Redskins defense was in his face all day, and I’m convinced everyone on that team is an expert at jumping in the air and waving their hands around(Not to mention being, what, like eight feet tall?). Our guy was able to make some plays when he had to, though, and with a little luck, did a good enough job to get us into a spot where all we needed was a penalty to set us up for the win. Just a little jab there. He can take it.

I’m not going to harp on Gates for the problems he had yesterday. He made a couple big ones and played hurt. And, of course, he rules.

Eric Parker hasn’t gotten much pub here, but the last couple of weeks he’s looking spectacular. Will a premiere receiver be as big of a need next year as everyone thought? We’ll see.

I’ve got to hand it to both defenses, what with their abilities to telekinetically defend passes, but I’d like to see our guys occasionally handle one physically.

And one last special thanks to the Zebras. Not a lot of phantom calls. A questionable overturned interception in our favor. And, most importantly, you actually caught that guy tackling our lineman in the backfield. That’s the one that earns you new hats and whistles in you stockings this Christmas. Ho, ho, ho! Go Bolts!!!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Catching Up...

Took a couple of days off to hit the road and grow a beard. Needless to say that there were televisions on the road and that allowed for a pretty entertaining football weekend. Not to dwell on the never ending discussion of whether or not USC football is that good, Fresno State set out to prove that they could hang in with a three year winning streak. A valiant effort and four very entertaining quarters later, the streak remained intact, and a little respect was earned. Good game all around.

Next came Sunday. What we assumed to be the case, turned out in fact to be just that, and the Wings were sent home fried. A colossal shellacking at the hands of the forgotten pro bowl quarterback, lost in what has been the season of twenty one. A fantastic performance by the Q, one of the finest that I have seen him play. In fact, I thought that this day was his most polished, professional effort to date. Up until the point that I heard him say that his five touchdown day last year against Oakland was the only day he held in higher regard. Who am I to argue with him? Oakland was better? Okay, this was second best then. Great day. Great game. And a whole new issue crops up with Mr. Coach S.

As has been discussed ad nauseam, “IT” was no where to be found. Coach S as it seems to me, is determined to prove that “IT” is dead and not his coaching style. Determined to change his legacy that people like me continue to focus on as one of our major weaknesses. So what am I to think when the best running back in the league gets only fourteen carries and a handful of yards? What am I to think when the Quarterback goes nuts, throws for 330 plus yards and a fistful of touchdowns? What am I to think when the number 85 has a monster day and then blows out an ankle in a festival of slaughter? These were the questions that I was asking myself.

Was I happy with the team’s performance? Yes. Did we look good? Yes. Did we look like a playoff team, strong and balanced against a weak opponent? Yes. Does everyone know that we can play that way whenever, wherever? They should. So what the heck am I complaining about? I want to see it when it counts. If that is the way this team can operate; dismantling teams completely, then I want to see it against the top tier teams in the league. If that is the way we are going to make our playoff run, then let’s commit to it from here on out. Let’s rack it up and go after every single team like we did on Sunday. I want to see it every week. There is still a part of me that thinks that when the game is on the line, much like the Philly, Pittsburgh, Dallas, and the January Jets game, that this is not the brand of football that we will be witnessing. When it is really on the line, I don’t believe that Coach S will bring the pain like he did on Sunday. Is that fair? I don’t know. Is “IT” going to happen again? In my opinion, undoubtedly. If I were a gambling man (I’m not), I would bet on this. I hope I am wrong, because “IT” is not a style of play that will bring any January rewards.

So we pack up and roll to the nation’s capital this weekend against a very good defense, and a good running game. This should be another week that improves the number in the “W” column and keeps the playoff hopes alive. And it will be a litmus test for Coach.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Debate Rages On...

I am extraordinarily concerned that the football team this week might be taking this Buffalo team as lightly as I am. I am placing a slightly better chance than zero on Buffalo actually staying even remotely competitive with us. So much so that I have ignored all statistical analysis, instead choosing to focus on what really matters this weekend when it comes to this football game and how we dismantle the Wings. An email exchange with MC today reveals what happens when you run out of things to debate...

CJ: Oh great, we’re wearing the powder blues on Sunday.

MC: I like the powder blues.

CJ: I do too, we just never win when we wear them

MC: Uhh...we were just never winning period. Blaming it on the sharp looking powder blue uniforms sounds a lot like blaming it on the poker Gods to me.

CJ: I think there is more in play here than that. When we were like 6-0 in ’94, didn’t we lose when we donned the powder blues? We are 2-5 in the powder blues since ’94. Could there be a correlation between the lighter color and a lack of toughness? I am not set in stone on that, I am just asking. Perhaps the same effect that the pink locker room has in Iowa.... This merits looking at more thoroughly... I like that, “sharp looking powder blues”. And you know that I don’t believe in the poker Gods...

MC: Psychology? Like Iowa painting the visiting teams' locker room pink? Maybe a voodoo witch doctor put a curse on those unis? 2-5 since 94. Our winning percentage since that season is roughly 41% (64-96). 2-5 since, is about 28%, but from a much smaller pool of games. 1 more win in the powder blues would have put us at almost exactly the same percentage as our overall wins. Also, I may be completely wrong, but I thought we wore the powder blues for the first half of the '94 season.

CJ: All right so now we are getting to the bottom of this. 2-5 since ’94. But we were 6-0 in ’94 when we wore them for the first 8 games. So, maybe there is just a bad perception of the powder blues. It just seems like we always lose when we wear them. So, I will give them one more chance, if we lose this weekend (which we won’t) all bets are off and the powder blues can eat my @$$. Especially if we pull a Dallas, Pittsburgh (Powder Blues), Denver, Philadelphia 4th quarter job again.

And yes, that psycologicallyable stuff works. That pink locker room saw an increase in win percentage at home for Iowa from .400 to .700 (approximately).

MC: We beat the crud out of the league darling Jaguars last year in the powder blues. I'm surprised you forgot. You were there!!!

CJ: Of course you should know by now that I only remember the bad things. And there was a lot of b’s and boobs involved that day.

MC: I think you don't like the powder blues because EVERYBODY ELSE DOES!!! There's some freakin' psychology for you.

CJ: See, I knew you were going to mess that up. I love the powder blues. A lot. I just hate losing in them more. I think it should be mandatory for the fans to wear them, but not the players. There could be something to that psychological thing though....baby blue? Not as tough, maybe lose some games...huh?!

MC: Did I find a button? It's okay if you don't like the powder blues. Maybe we can find you a camouflage Charger jersey. The Padres always look pretty t!ts in theirs.

CJ: No button. I do like the powder blues. I almost bought a jersey, but realized I am 30, to old for jerseys. I just hate losing when we wear them. That’s all.

MC: Relax, sissy. Face it. It sucks when we lose, no matter what we're wearing. It just seems to stick out more when it's the powder blues, cause they're so B.A.

CJ: Yes it does suck when we lose. I just want to make sure there is no psychology behind it that prevents us from winning when we are wearing them.

MC: Yeah, I don't see it. If anything, I think our guys get up for those games cause they know they rock in those unis. But bad teams get beat by good teams, and that's that

CJ: Are you saying we’re bad????

MC: I'm saying we've been bad more than we've been good since ‘94. No matter what jerseys we wore. Last year good team= big win in the powder blues. Hurray!

CJ: Okay. I get it. I hope we win. But if we don’t it’s the jerseys fault

MC: Cool.

So, you see, these are the dangers of playing teams that don’t have any intimidating characteristics. I start talking about how the potential psychological effect of the jerseys we are planning on wearing are somehow going to affect the outcome of the game. I hope none of the players feel this way about the jerseys come Sunday...

More mindless idiocy tomorrow...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

It's Happy Hour, and Wings are on the Menu...

It’s Wednesday so that means its time for us to start thinking about the upcoming contest with the Bills of Buffalo. So as I sat thinking about the weaknesses on defense of the Buffalo Bills, in particular their inability to stop anyone who decides that running with the ball tucked under one arm is a good idea. I kept coming back to the fact that I have no idea what a ‘Bill’ is. What, Buffalo Bill? Is that it? But, what good is a team full of Buffalo Bills? Not very intimidating that’s for sure. Why not call them the Buffalo Wings? At least that way they might be represented by a bunch of well endowed sorority girls in infant sized orange shorts. At least that can be sort of intimidating in a good way. They might also be able to steal some of the Panthers Cheerleader momentum by dressing the girls on the sidelines as such. From the Official Bills Website... ( BuffaloBills.com )

"Following the 1946 season, in an effort to generate more fan interest and distinguish the football team from the city's minor league baseball and hockey teams, which also bore the name "Bisons," the team ran a contest to select a new name. Over 4,500 entries were submitted, and "the Bills" won over "Bullets," "Nickels" and "Blue Devils." Several contestants suggested the winning name, but James F. Dyson was named the winner of the $500 prize based on his essay comparing the team to a band of "Buffalo Bills." He wrote that, while the legendary Indian Scout William "Buffalo Bill" Cody helped trailblaze the American Frontier, the football team (owned by the president of Frontier Oil) was opening a new frontier in Buffalo sports."

Now if they could only figure out how to play football and wash the legacy of four consecutive Super Bowl appearances without a victory off of their resume, they may be able to get respect from someone other than a Las Vegas stripper. Beside the Super Bowl defeats that define this team what else are they lucky enough to be associated with? A Canadian Quarterback, an acquitted Murdering Tailback, and a kicker that walks with a distinct step to the Right from 42 yards away. This, a legacy to be proud of for sure.

This version of the Wings are very far removed from the early 90’s version that was so close to being a dynasty in the eyes of many. For some this version hasn’t been completely forgotten, for it seems like Chris Berman is still to this day picking the annual Bills v. 49ers Super Bowl match up as the Swami. But, with the “Loss Man” at the helm things are a bit different than they used to be out there in the Siberia of New York. I am wondering if anyone in New York actually gives a flying load of crap about these guys. They seem to come off to me as the bastard step-children of the area.

So how did they manage to hold the Chiefers to three points last week single handedly raising the stock price of Kleenex? Was this another anemic performance by the Chefs, or are the Wings talented in any sense of the word? I am voting more of the former and much, much less of the latter.

So will this be a contest of us stopping them? Or them stopping us? Well, with their 7501st ranked defense against the rush, I would think that Mr. #21 may have a large day, and since due in part to the bye weekend off, he has slipped to around number 5 in rushing yards for the year, he may have something to prove. And of course if I were good enough to wear that number, I think I might be harboring a little bit of resentment for not getting the opportunity for touchdown number five the last time out on the turf. Just a hunch.

Let's revisit for a moment a comment I made yesterday about the wonder that is Shaun Alexander. What I said in one and a half sentences took an ESPN.com writer this
many words to articulate the same thought that I made.

Sheesh, these guys get paid for this.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Cleanup on Aisle Ten...

Cleaning up the mess that was the week without football first...

See what happens to me when a week goes by and the Bolts are not involved. My utter disdain and apathy for the NFL shines through so clearly. I spent Sunday trying to manufacture some desire to watch the garbage that was claiming to be football, only to find myself distracted by the tiniest of things like a flag blowing in the wind. Good God football is terrible when your team isn’t playing. Just think, if the Saints don’t go to Los Angeles this year (pray to all that is hurricane force evil in the world that they do) then the Chargers might. (Side note: How many chances do you give a city for football when they have already run numerous franchises out of town?) After watching this weekend, and with the potential birth of the L.A. Chargers looming on the horizon, I will be a man without a football team if the move in fact does occur. And that means I will be without football. I just can’t watch that crap. I don’t think I can pick another team to root for.

My halfhearted (generous) interest in the Rams, Jets and Redskins (all of whom lost by the way) was just a distraction from the fact that I was trying and unsuccessfully rooting for the excrement of Chupacabra that are the Raiders. Early on when it was discovered that they were not going to beat the Rocky Mountain Oyster Chuggers, they couldn’t even manage to lose that stupid game properly. If you aren’t going to win, at least lose by 60 so I take a little bit of pleasure from that. Thanks for the help guys, can’t wait for you to come to town now for some additional punishment. There is a very good chance that convicted child molesters will get jobs as toilet paper dispensers in pre school restrooms before I root for those puckered starfish again.

There is still some residual disappointment with regard to the Canepa article from last week. I have done most of the commenting that I will do on that topic, but it is just really ridiculous to read that again. The more I read it, the more I question what is going on. How can someone of Mr. Canepa’s standing, spout off this sentiment that is so obviously untrue? To put this in perspective, this would be like using your most powerful forum to advocate that T.O. rescues blind puppies from burning buildings while being a great teammate, or that our entire secondary should be the leading candidates to start in the Pro Bowl. I think it’s time to move on from this topic and let this issue settle itself. I have a feeling that if the current trend continues, the one highlighted in my last post, not only will the holes in Mr. Canepa’s argument be properly illustrated, but the Los Angeles Chargers may have a new coach.

Before moving on to devouring the Buffalo Wings this weekend. Let’s take a look at the past weekend’s likes and dislikes...

-Shaun Alexander. I thought I could see Seattle’s point before the season began about not extending this guy, who turns out to be the only bright spot in the City of Cold, Wet Hell. I was wrong and so is Seattle.

-The Idle San Diego Chargers moved up in the power rankings.

-10 weeks in and we are still listening to Mr. Faith Hill revamp the words to that God awful song. If all I have to look forward to is the L.A. Chargers and Mr. Faith Hill, the NFL will feel my wrath. Of this I promise.

-I miss people wondering who got the better end of the Mike Vick for Ladainian Tomlinson trade. Why won’t anyone bring this up anymore? I have an opinion. I’ll raise my hand and wait my turn and everything. Come on. Somebody? Anybody?

-To the Vikings: Thumbs up from me for giving us the Sex Boat Love Cruise story (of which we all wish we were a part of no matter how despicable (awesome) some say it was) and for ruining Tom Coughlin’s underwear and weekend in New York.

-To Roy Williams of the Cowboys: Thanks for that wonderful interception last night. You have officially guaranteed that we will have to continue talking about Terrell Owens until the Eagles are officially eliminated from the playoffs. And then continue to talk about him because the Iggles missed the playoffs. I hope you get to hook up with one of the girls in the “Ron Mexico” flock.

Monday, November 14, 2005

"IT" Is Alive and Well, Despite What They Would Like You to Believe...

Having thoroughly annihilated the bye week competition and covering the immense 24 point spread against that team of nobody’s this week, we can now move our focus on to the next in the line of must win games beginning with the Buffalo Bills. On Sunday, the bastard sons of New York managed to stifle the offensive prowess of Trent Green and the Chiefers albeit down one Priest, and I don’t mean the molesting kind. One should not doubt the impact that the aforementioned clergyman has on that team’s offense. And as good as Larry Johnson is, he is not the Priest, as he racked up the yards yet never found the end zone. But, now is not the time to speak of the Chiefers handicaps, or yet to debate the shortcomings of J.P. ‘Loss Man’ (Second place in the Fraternity President’s name contest) and the gang. I want to use this space to talk about an article written late last week by one of San Diego’s most respected sports columnists, one Nick Canepa.

Now, I am not usually critical of Nick and his opinion of our football team. This is a guy that has been writing about sports since the times that I was still trying to figure out how not to soil my own shorts daily. His knowledge of our sports teams is held in my circle in a pretty high regard which is fairly difficult to do, because I am harshly critical of just about everything. But Nick wrote something that was rather uncharacteristic last Thursday and I thought that since I have a forum here that is free of editors and censors, I would respond to the pile of horse puckey that I firmly believe the Chargers asked Nick to produce, in order to diffuse the public outcry that has begun to swing popular opinion from Marty’s side (Side Note: I haven’t been this upset with coaching or heard this much from the public since the Gilbride Era.) Strangely missing from his piece last week was his fair criticism of our team that usually accompanies his columns allowing us to feel as if we had a bit of inside information with regards to this team. What I saw was not a Nick Canepa piece, but hard core fluff about Marty and his ‘coaching style word that isn’t being mentioned here anymore’. Here are some excerpts in order, starting with the title... (parentheticals contain my thoughts and reactions, simple minded as they may be.)

‘Don’t Call this Martyball, It’s Fun to Watch...’ (This is a direct quote, in fact as mentioned, it’s the title. I didn’t use ‘that’ word, and as I said before, I won’t. When I read this, I knew something was fishy. I have felt like I was about to cough up my heart in every single loss this year, and now some of the wins. Fun to watch? Pretty sure ‘fun’ isn’t the word I would use.)

‘This is not Martyball. Martyball is running it, hanging on to it, winning field position with special teams, creating turnovers and being smart. Against the Jets on Sunday, the Chargers had 12 penalties for 124 yards, two turnovers and sold far too much real estate on kickoff returns.’ (Yes, penalties were a problem early in the game. Yes, the kickoff coverage was abominable. But, “IT” is running it, predictably, in situations where everyone on the field, the stands, and the television audience across the country knows you will be running the ball out of the same formation you always use to run the ball when you are trying to chew up clock instead of utilizing your weapons. Like the two drives that we ran late in the fourth quarter that led to a fumble and a punt. Oh, and the third down running play from the two yard line to the fullback instead of the league’s best player wearing number 21, who had four touchdowns on the day. Did I mention that? And isn’t ‘running it, hanging on to it, winning field position... exactly what we tried to do? Someone let me know if I am wrong here.)

Was it Martyball when, on third-and-long, late in the game in New York, with a lead, quarterback Drew Brees went back to pass, was sacked and fumbled the ball away? (Nick is right here. The third and long play wasn’t “IT”. But, “IT” was the two plays before the fumble, both of which were running plays out of very similar formations that netted minus four yards, putting us into a third and fourteen that led us to inexplicably try to throw the ball to convert, against an obvious blitz situation.)

"If we did that last year in the playoff game with the Jets, we would have lost the opportunity to win the game when we were in field goal position, and we did have an opportunity to win the game," he says. (Are we suffering memory loss here? Or is this just denial? Isn't this exactly what we did? Do we forget the three running plays that netted possibly two yards out of the same formation giving our rookie kicker all the disadvantages in the world on a wet field in overtime? I guess there is no debate on what the impact of a play action pass may have had there when the Jets had 22 people in the box waiting for the inevitable running play. Certainly no presence of “IT” there.)

There also were complaints that the coach should have gone for the touchdown instead of the field goal Sunday when the ball was on the Jets' half-yard line. But, with the Chargers up 28-20, the kick was the right play there. (Uhhhh? Doesn’t that look rather ridiculous in print? No? Read the part about the half yard line again. Yeah, I thought so. Wait, it gets better)

"You've got to make it a two-possession game," he says. "If we go for the touchdown and don't make it, on that final drive all the Jets had to do was make a field goal to win." (That is of course predicated on them traveling 99 2/3 yards on the hypothetical ensuing drive to tie the game with a touchdown and a two point conversion, IF, we didn’t make it from six inches away, thoroughly breaking their spirits and their will to live. I will not change my mind on this no matter who is trying to save that decision as a good one. This smells awfully ‘Spanosish” does it not???)

All things considered, Schottenheimer may be doing a better job coaching this team than he did last year. The end result may not be as positive. This is a brutal road the team is taking. (Can anyone tell me if the Spanos’ have mafia ties? Cause this sounds like someone talking with an ice pick pressed firmly into the back of their brain stem. This statement is just absolutely ridiculous. Tough schedule, yes. “Brutal road”? We have blown fourth quarter leads in every single loss. I wouldn’t be so upset if we had possibly, and this is just an idea, extended some of those leads like we did last year. If I disappear tonight and no one hears from me, I have either gone off to Mexico, or I am wearing concrete shoes in the bay. I am just sayin...)

"It's just that the expectations for us last year were nothing. They're far higher this year." (Yes, yes they are. So, because expectations are higher, it’s okay to use that as an excuse for your mistakes? I am not sure I understand what this sentence is trying to say. Is this how I am to understand this, “Uh, we are supposed to be better this year than we were last year. People are expecting us to be better. But we aren’t when it matters. But that’s okay, no one is accountable, because last year we were better than we were supposed to be.” Give me a break.)

These were just some examples of the poor attempt to protect Mr. Schottenheimer from what I feel is fair criticism of his performance to date. I am not in the ‘Let’s run out and fire the man, hang him from the goalposts and beat him like a three legged piƱata!” group yet. But, there should definitely be some accountability for not finishing the games we have lost, and now, not finishing the games that we have won. I believe that there are some legitimate concerns here that should not go ignored. Although the local paper would like for you to do just that. I wonder if the Spanos’ have any ownership stake in the U.T.???

Here you can read the full text of the article http://www.signonsandiego.com/sports/canepa/20051110-9999-1s10canepa.html Feel free to form your own opinion in case I am jumping the gun and not representing the facts accurately. I hope that Mr. Canepa is able to regain his objectivity soon.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Predictably Predictable...

Entering the bye week break now has my brain unmercifully recounting the season to this point. What things do I like? What things do I like not? What are we good at? What are we bad at? I keep coming up with these thoughts and there is no shelter from the one common theme, and what I am deeming detrimental to the team and my psyche. This is the thing that continues to be as disturbing as Phil Mickelson’s man boobs, frightening sight to say the least, yet no one can rip their stare away. My main concern, and that of many others as well that has been the signature of the team all of the season long? The coaching of course. And why is this important? Well, I wish to say that it is time for everyone to stop complaining about the coaching staff. Why, you say? Well, we in fact deserve this hot and cold, feast or famine, heartbreakingly terrible season of fourth quarter meltdowns...

“Martyball”, has for the better part of two seasons become a curse word in my circle. There are some that will proclaim that they are apologists for this travesty that has plagued numerous NFL cities since the 80’s. Even my cohort here will say as recently as two days ago that he is/was a member of this community. And there is nothing wrong with this. Marty Schottenheimer has been successful as a football coach. Obviously what he does works to a certain degree. He takes talented programs to the playoffs where he ultimately and now famously underachieves. His ultra-uber-sickeningly conservative style has fostered a popular opinion that he holds his teams and their collective success in his hands and squeezes the risk out of them at the expense of any potential reward. His ‘don’t beat yourself’ style ultimately results in beating yourself (not in the good way) and there are any number of examples of this that can be used as evidence of this from any of our losses this season, last season’s playoff game, the season before that, his days in Kansas City stretching all the way back to Cleveland Version 1.0. ‘Martyball’ has become not just a description of his style of coaching, but a punch line in the NFL. Even 97 year old Dick Enberg on Sunday as the predictable appearance of the cursed word reared its ugly head yet again, bellowed out a laughingly hearty “MAAAARRRTTTYYYBBAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL” during the fourth quarter. It was at that moment that I realized that we deserve this cardiac brand of football. Everything that takes place on that field should be expected. The ungodly predictability of the fourth quarter schemes when leading, almost leads me to believe that teams are smart enough to know to fall behind for three quarters so that they can turn to their game plan that is the calculated answer to “Martyball”. It’s the same formula every time. It’s the same formula every time. It’s the same formula every time. It’s the same formula every time. It’s the same formula every time (a little like that, but in the context of a football game). In Cleveland, in Kansas City, and now here. It’s ‘Groundhog Day’ for our football team.

We are a young, aggressive football team. I would hesitate to say that we are the most powerful, most polished, most like ‘Peyton and the Dreamweavers’ darlings of the NFL. We’re not. We are a very powerful offensive team. We play our best football being aggressive on that side of the ball. We can score with anyone in this league. There are moments out on that field where I am convinced that there is no team in the NFL that can stop us from scoring every time we have the ball. Up until that point when the scoreboard reads four under the category marked quarter that aggression and dominance is reeled in like a marlin in Cabo by those who wear the electric earmuffs. Their late game plan is no secret. It shouldn’t be to anyone here on planet earth. My question is why is anyone still surprised when the inevitability of “Martyball” shows up? What, you didn’t know it was coming? You didn’t think it would happen again? You were secretly hoping and praying and making deals with God that you would never litter his precious earth again with anything not fantastically biodegradable if Marty would just put that thing away? Not ever going to happen kids, so we might as well just deal with it. Complaining about “Martyball” (Let it be known that this will be forever the last time you see this word put in print by me) is like getting all upset that you didn’t get taller or heavier in the shorts when the sun came up. After all, this is not a new phenomenon, I am pretty sure that if Mr. Schottenheimer hasn’t changed his style by now, well, I think you know how this plays out. So, enough complaining, it’s time for all of that to end. We know it’s going to happen again. We know when it’s going to happen. We know how it is going to happen. All that we can do is hope that it is not yet another critical situation when “it” happens again. And there is no room for surprise, shock or complaints when our coach coaches the way that he always has. It will be the same, until someone somewhere decides that it's time to move out of the Schottenheimer era. Until then we can all collectively shut the hell up...

Monday, November 07, 2005

Moving on soon...

Five and four. Five and four. I keep telling myself that we did in fact win on Sunday and that we are five and four. There is a lot of residual disappointment involved with this win. In fact, I don’t really feel like we won. I know we did, I know the record reflects that we did, but this has been one of the most hollow, unsatisfying wins that I can remember. In fact, at one point late in the third quarter, I started to get that feeling, the one that has been a constant in the new Charger era. The one that feels like you have a gut full of bad three a.m. Tijuana hot dogs, too much tequila, no sleep, cold sweats, and a heart rate like a drum roll.

Second guessing makes some of us feel better. Not me. Criticizing the powers that be for some of the questionable strategies that were employed in the fourth quarter in every one of the three horribly bad losses that have sullied our record to date help some folk. Not me. The decision to hand the ball to the most valuable fullback on third and goal from the two, while the ‘you’ll get no argument from me’ (four touchdowns on the day) best running back sits idly by as said fullback is stopped dead short. Fine criticize away. Doesn’t help me. Calling timeout to gather ourselves and set up the fourth and goal from one foot away handoff to the guy wearing #21 for the put them away score, his fifth of the day, only to then decide against all common sense to just kick the field goal. Not helping me. Instead of the jugular we opted for sensitivity. Instead of sealing the game and breaking a team late in the fourth quarter, we opted not to. Instead of showing the world that our team is the best and cannot be beaten, we opted to throw the noose around our own collective neck and hang our offense. Instead of sending a message of confidence to the defense that we trust you to defend 99 2/3 yards late in the fourth quarter, they took three and expected us to understand. So to review, we need one foot, we have the best running back in the world (four touchdowns on the day), we call timeout to set up the play to end the game, and then we come out of the timeout with the field goal unit, effectively icing our kicker. Again.

After the predictable run, run, pass three and out, and then the run, run, oh God they’re doing it again pass on third and long allowing the defense to put everyone in green, two goats and a guy with a concussion on a blitz fumble, I swore I was never watching football again if we lost this game. All of this leading to the defense getting more airtime than a Paris Hilton ‘intimate’ video. To say we are predictable in the fourth quarter when we have the lead is the understatement of the year. So as my heart is exploding and the defense is lining up for lung transplants I am forced to endure Dierdorf pointing out the obvious furthering my frustration and blood pressure by saying that ‘Marvin Lewis is a football coach.’ My team is going out on the field and telling the other team what they are doing, the defense is gassed, and Dierdorf is giving me that quality color from the announcer’s deck. Needless to say the mute button was assaulted. I didn’t need to hear any ‘analysis’ as Quentin Jammer was able to salvage what could have been the most devastating loss that I have ever been involved in.

So we did win. Sure doesn’t feel like it and I don’t think that it will. I am choosing to forget this game ever took place and hopefully by the end of the bye week, I will be able to. But, as far as I am concerned there is nobody to blame for all of the aforementioned atrocities. Nope. This is our soiled bed, and as long as it is being run by these people wearing the headphones with the lightning on them, this is the shit we will be sleeping in. We deserve this. You don’t think so?? I will explain why tomorrow.

I Can't Feel A Thing.

I'm still processing that one, but I feel like I have to post something. So, I guess we'll start with the good. We finally won one of these games our coaches keep trying to give away. That's good. I mean, it's a freaking W, and we're above .500 for the first time this season and going into a much needed bye week. LaDainian Tomlinson went back to setting personal records and Antonio Gates continues to prove he probably did deserve the money he was asking for before the season started. Vincent Jackson made his first catch in the NFL, for 18 yards, and Quentin Jammer remembered to sort of look back at the ball and preserved the victory. All good things, no doubt.

Then there was the bad. I hope you've got a minute. Now, I tend to be a bit of a Marty Schottenheimer apologist. I have felt that, in the past, he has often been criticized for making "wrong" choices in "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situations. But seriously folks, if your defense suddenly takes three steps back and starts making Brooks Bollinger look like a phenom, you sure as hell better find a way to twist the knife with an offense rife with Pro Bowlers. And I have to question a management staff that gives away a talented young O-lineman like Toniu Fonoti for a sack of peanuts, and then turns around and starts letting guys run amock through the line, causing blocked field goals and nearly devastating fumbles with an alarming frequency. I definitely felt that old choking sensation this week, and I did not like it. Not one bit.

Ultimately, we look to be in a good position, with a couple of weeks to bring back a pretty large group of banged up players. We have four winnable looking games on the horizon, and we are poised to make a run at the playoffs. Things could certainly be a lot worse. But until this defense proves it can play two entire halves of football, the offense can not afford to stop. There just aren't enough points in the world to guarantee a victory.

I guess a win is a win, even if it feels like a loss. I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow. For now, go Bolts!

Friday, November 04, 2005

Gather 'round, Kids. Let Me Tell You a Story

Watch it! Taking shots at me for crimes I haven’t even committed yet? Truth is, I’m sitting in the middle of the pack in both my faeries & unicorns leagues. I need to string together a couple of good weeks before I dazzle everyone with my fake football prowess.

Let’s talk about something important. The game this Sunday in York del Nuevo. Now, bear with me here, cause I’m gonna go all Stephen King and take off on a serious tangent before wrapping this up into a tight little bow of pertinence at the end. It will totally be worth it. I think.

About a million years ago, as a young man of about 20, I was involved in a sordid, Melrose Placeian type of “love” triangle. Now, many who know me might be surprised to find that I was a much more impressive all around person back in the day, and being such, I ended up with the girl in this particular situation. In fact, we ended up in a rather long and, for the most part, deeply committed relationship. Unfortunately, the other gentleman, not knowing that he was ultimately the winner in this situation for dodging that particular bullet, decided that fair retribution would be to throw me down a flight of concrete stairs. When I say throw here, I don’t mean push. I mean he winged me down those stairs like so much paper airplane. A truly humbling experience for me. In retrospect, and even at the time, I realized that my level of participation in the acquisition of the aforementioned lass, and my very literal interpretation of the old axiom “All’s fair in love and war,” more than warranted my assailant’s course of action. I straight up deserved it. What bothered me was that he had brought an accomplice and they were both armed with skateboards, ready to reduce me like a vegetable like state for a very large portion of my future life. Luckily, due to an as yet unmentioned fourth, fifth or whatever party, yours truly escaped not much worse for wear outside of a broken middle finger and a not so fresh feeling. Not long afterwards, I begin to hear that this guy hit the skids pretty hard. Cracked out on amphetamines and all that jazz. I don’t know if this is a result of what happened, but I’m more inclined to believe that since he wasn’t exactly Mensa material, he was headed in that direction anyway. Jump to two months later, and I’m standing in line at the grocery store waiting to purchase a six pack of be- uh, soda. Who’s standing in line right in front of me? If you been paying attention, you’ve probably guessed it. That guy! And let me tell you, the stories were true. Homeboy had dropped 20 or 30 pounds. His eyes were sunk into his skull, and he was a shell of his former self. I start thinking, “Hey, this guy was ready to maim me or worse.” I’m telling you, it would have taken very little effort to exact a little revenge. Seriously, this guy who had chucked me like a rag doll only two months ago, looked me in the eye and turned away scared. I was pretty sure of myself. And then it hit me. This guy did throw me down a flight of stairs. I mean, there was a chance he could go all rabid dog on me and dole out some pain and humiliation right there in front of the Safeway. Ultimately, I decided to walk away, telling myself that I was taking pity on this poor soul. Yep, I’m just like Ghandi that way.

Here’s the deal. The Chargers don’t have the option of walking away from a confrontation with their own dying animal this Sunday. Everyone says the Jets are just a shell of a team. Everyone says their 90 year old QB is a joke. I urge all of you to remember that this lame dog of a team has been throwing us down the stairs for a couple of years now. Hell, last January they dropped us down a frigging elevator shaft. I seem to remember a lot of people, myself included, being pretty confident going into that one. And don’t give me any garbage about those three rushes up the middle and that long field goal miss. We wouldn’t have even had the opportunity to try that if not for a roughing the passer penalty (my least favorite penalty, by the way) on the last play of regulation.

The Jets still have a lot of Pro Bowl type players on that defense, and how many times over the past several years has our pass defense been pure medicine to ailing QBs? This team is not going to just lay down and take it. I mean, we’re still gonna kill ‘em, but…uh…you know.

Just for the record, I heard that guy cleaned himself up and is actually doing all right these days. Isn’t that great? Go Bolts!!!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Two Halves Make a Whole...

The insanity that has been this season continues and yes, as stated previously, the pressure here mounts. Perhaps someone may actually read this drivel and more importantly form an opinion of the content over here. That being the case there is the distinct possibility that there may be someone other than my dad who struggles with the difficult decision of whether or not to waste another minute and forty eight seconds of their work day because the two idiots over here may or may not have any idea of what they are talking about. Well, I am here to yes. To all of it.

And yes, I had nearly forgotten that when left unattended for more than 24 hours this place turns into a poor hurricane like victim at the mercy of my cohort here who must indulge the fantasy urges to stoke the fires of the oh so cool version of dungeons and dragons for adults; the miraculous fantasyland football life. Fantastic. Oh, wait, you were talking about a suicide pool. My bad, I thought I was going to have to hear another tale of some poor fantasy sap that was about to go all swan dive Acapulco style off the Bridge to Coronado screaming, “Daunte Culpepper ruined my life” right up until the moment of impact. Nice work wisely choosing the Bolts for the suicide...sorry, I mean survival (I am assuming this to be the p.c. term now, ya know, that whole sensitivity thing) pool. Congrats, you’re alive for another week, which is more than Terri Schivo could say.

I like first half predictions. I do. Now, I hope all of that comes true. But what is the real point of this game this weekend? Really, I know its must win and all that, playoffs, yeah, they’re important. I like the playoffs. I want to see what they look like again, but this is about more than just the playoffs. This is about revenge. Revenge I say. I am not the biggest Jet fan around. Less the football team than the band. Nope, I want to extract me some revenge plain and simple. Not only did the Green Gang knock my hopes and dreams out of the playoffs last year, they ruined what would have been the best birthday present ever (Oh, for the love of the white pants in Cabo) and I want me some God damned revenge.

I want to see their 51 year old one legged couch surfing quarterback that's more inept than a short bus full of kids in helmets trying to put out a forest fire by drooling on it, wearing Bolts jerseys with our guys in them all day, and not those damned powder blue ones. We lose every time we wear those damned cool things. I want that guy to be on his way to Sharp Memorial by the time the barbeque gets warm. I want to send Herm Edwards home crying in Pennington’s one armed embrace. I want them dead. Whoa, wait, no, I don’t want them dead, really. But if their plane had a malfunction on the way home, like the air jets stopped working and it got really hot in there and the oxygen masks kept dropping and sirens kept wailing, and everyone got scared in their shorts, that’d be pretty cool. Oh, and so would beating the hell out of them. I truly wanted to get another shot at that team that ruined my birthday last January. Sadly, we don’t get the chance, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take it out on the old lady that’s sleeping in her messy diaper in the third row version of them. That’s all I am saying...

Thanks again to the Deadspin.com guys for thinking that we don’t suck. Hopefully we don’t suck so much that they will come back and visit again.

Half-assed? Yeah, This is Pretty Half-assed.

Content. I forgot I was going to have to come up with content on a regular basis. And now that the good folks over at www.deadspin.com were kind enough to shine a little spotlight on our hard work over here, the pressure to be fresh and informative on a regular basis is damn near overwhelming.

I was thinking maybe I would give some insight into my feelings about some of the issues our Bolts have faced prior to and up until this point in the season. Unfortunately, with the dark shadow of a bye week lurking in the not too distant future, I’ve got to save something for the drought.

An obvious topic today would be to analyze this weekend’s game against whomever it is we’re playing (I’m sure it isn’t anybody we’ve ever played against or lost to before), but I prefer to leave in depth analysis and prediction for Fridays. Besides, I enjoy dropping the fat rebuttal on my esteemed cohort during such pieces.

So what am I left with? I could feature the amazing story of how I crushed my survival football pool by taking the Chargers over KC last week, when all of my would-be competitors put their money on “sure thing” picks Tampa Bay and Jacksonville. Come on, people, don’t actually tell me you believed in those two. Puh-lease.

Or I could go to crusty old generic rehash arguments like, “When will the Chargers do the right thing and switch over to those uber stylish Powder Blue digs they look so fine in?” or “Could Marty Schottenheimer be more conservative? Sheesh!” I may have to visit that second one down the road a bit, but not right now. No, none of those will do for now.

So what? Wait, I got it. Pre-analysis analysis! And the stats at half-time follow thusly:

Drew Brees 12-17, 131 yards 1 TD 1 INT . Nice pick, Jets. Too bad you could only get a field goal out of it.

“The Be All, End All of RBs” 11 carries for 35 yards, 3 catches for 30. Ouch. They’re loading the box on you for the third week in a row. But you pound one in there, cause you’re the best. And don’t worry about the yards per carry thing. I got a feeling the second half tells a different story.

Michael “The Burner” Turner 4 carries for 20 yards. Nothing flashy, but you got some tough yards there. You gotta love how they drop back when the other guy takes a break.

Antonio Gates 4 catches for 47 yards 1 TD. You’re making it look too easy. I don’t mind.

Keenan McCardell 4 Catches for 40 yards. You’re unsung, my friend, but I know. Don’t worry, I know.

Nate Kaeding 1FG, 2 EXP I know you’re going to petition Schottenheimer to let you try a field goal on every possession, no matter what down or where you are on the field, but you have got to settle down. Extra points are better than field goals anyway.

So that’s essentially the first half for the offense, and it would be downright ugly if the Jets didn’t still have a pretty capable D. As for our D, I assume every one of those guys should have a sack, forced fumble, fumble recovery, or interception by the end of the first half.

First half score: Chargers 17, Jets 3. Yep, that sounds pretty good for one half. You should see the second half, though. That’s gonna be sweet! Go bolts!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

To Randall Godfrey

So very sorry to hear about your loss. I think I speak for Charger fans everywhere when I say let's hope they catch the bastard and that justice is swiftly served. Stay strong. Go Randall!!!

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2005/football/nfl/11/02/bc.fbn.chargers.godfrey.sister.ap/index.html

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Hybernation is Tricky Business

Hey guys, what’s up? Why didn’t anybody wake me up and tell me football season had started? I was pretty wiped out from the National League West Division Championship celebrations and I ended up sleeping through eight entire weeks of football. Bummer. I hope nothing good happened. Fortunately, I had some nerdy kid take notes for me. Unfortunately, a lot of said notes go off on tangents involving words like “trajectory” and “velocity,” so I may have to get a little creative in filling in the gaps.

For fun, let’s get a quick recap going on the first eight games of the year. By the time I’m finished with this I should have a firm grasp on how I feel about this budding Chargers Dynasty.

Week 1: Chargers 24, Cowboys 28 At first glance I was sure this was a typo, but sure enough, the Mighty Bolts dropped their home opener to the upstart Cowboys. Then I saw that the incomparable Antonio Gates was not in the game, and everything made a bit more sense. That must be some injury that keeps a guy like Gates on the sideline. I sure hope he’s okay. And I hope this one doesn’t come back to haunt us.

Week 2: Chargers 17, Denver 20 Hey, we won half a game in Mile-high. That’s not so bad. Even better, turns out Gates is going to be okay. It says here in my notes that he even signed a long term contract for some pretty serious cash. Good for you, Antonio, and good for San Diego. I’m glad those negotiations went smoothly. A lot of players have tried to take advantage of the Spanos’ family legendary generosity and A.J. Smith's easygoing style over the years.

Week 3: Chargers 45, Giants 23 That’s more like it guys! Eli came to town and saw what could have been. Poindexter watched an episode of Firefly on DVD during the middle part of this game and forgot to take notes, but from what I can tell, it never even got close.

Week 4: Chargers 41, Patriots 17 I wish there was some way I could make your computer bust out with some crazy explosion sound effects as you read the score for this game. We destroyed the unstoppable New England juggernaut in high fashion. Hell, I doubt the Patriots have lost a game since this one. This train is rolling again and “The Mighty Ambassador of Running Back Superiority" has just dominated the opposition two weeks in a row. Did anyone ever doubt it? I’ve got to get Poindexter to work on those explosions.

Week 5: Chargers 22, Steelers 24 Lame.

Week 6: Chargers 27, Raiders 14 Unnh! Can you feel that?! Can you feel that Raider Nation?! Even when the Raiders are pathetic (And I’m sure they still haven’t won a game this season) I never getting tired of watching them lose. And when the Charger machine delivers the pounding right smack dab in the middle of the sad joke that is the Raider faithful, all the better. Welcome to the rivalry Randy Moss!

Week 7: Chargers 17, Eagles 20 Huh? Can someone explain this to me? A blocked field goal? I guess that makes us karmically even in the eyes of the universal powers that be for that Dante Hall fumble last season. But that is it, powers that be! Do not try to come collecting again, cause we are even Steven right now. As for you Reche Caldwell, I give you a pass on that one, but that’s it for you as well.

Week 8: Chargers 28, Chiefs 20 I saw this one people. I saw it, and I liked it. Antonio Gates in a monster and I’m seriously considering petitioning the NFL to let us send one of his 3 touchdowns back to week one where it belongs. I also want to say I’ve heard a lot of talk about how we almost did the old fourth quarter choke in this game, and I have to disagree. We were not choking that game away. I know, cause when that happens, I feel as though I am choking. I never felt any kind of choking sensation, therefore that game was never in doubt. And if anybody says it was, please remember to leave your front door unlocked tonight, cause I’ll be swinging by pretty late with my shovel.

So there you have it people. The Colossus is all caught up, ready to enjoy the rest of the season and grant you all the invaluable information on the upcoming footballing contests for our beloved San Diego Chargers that he knows. Stay tuned and you’ll here insider information like, “The Jets suck,” and, “Oh! The Dolphins totally suck!” The other so-called experts don’t commit like that, people. Not now, not ever! I’m back, and I’ll never leave you again, baby! Never! Now get me a beer. Go Bolts!!!