Running Summary...

We're running updates today all the game long. Go Bolts!! This is easy...

-Who knew Pocahants was ugly? Disney lied to me.

-Fumble by Tomlinson. Interception by Rivers. Fumble by Rivers. Great start leads to collective vomiting behind the couch.

-Did you know that the Chargers and Chiefs have their starters in the game? In the first quarter? The starters. I've been told this three times so far. Amazing that two professional football teams would use their starters in the first quarter. I'm shocked.

-I think we miss Igor the Horrible so far, as you know he's out with a 'knee'. His substitute badassness is Jaques. He has a holding penalty and an offside so far. It's still the first quarter. Awesome. Wait. I mean Fuck.

-Falling behind has eliminated any semblance of a game plan. The guys look lost. We've wasted all of our time outs, something that doesn't infuriate me at all. Can we just go to halftime right now?

-31 throws in the first half. I know we're behind but... well... SHIT!!!

-If we kick 6 field goals, and hold the Squaws to no more points we can win.

-The aforementioned field goals have to go through the uprights. Hitting them square doesn't count. SHIT!

-Hey hey!! We accomplished something successfully!! We got to the locker room for halftime without soiling our uniforms with feces!!

-Shannon Sharpe doesn't want to "Annoint Phillip Rivers the next anybody just yet." Marino sits there smugly and points to himself at which time Boomer Esiason says, "Hey, what about me?"

-Couldn't have a better kickoff to start the second half. Down 14 without the ball.

-3 and out and we have the ball. Third and short and Phillip, "uses all 230 pounds of himself to get the first down." I think he needed only 217 of them.

-McCardell gets it down to the 1, and Gates gets himself an uncontested, WIDE open touchdown. I mean, you should cover him you know? He's really a big guy, not really the type that can get lost in the fray. Unless of course you are a female indian footballing squad. This gets Phillip fired up in the best way. Looks like halftime helped out the cause. I love halftime.

-Apparently we aren't going to tackle Larry Johnson today. That's a good gameplan.

-Sam Kennison is going to have Shawne Merriman nightmares tonight. What?...he's dead?

-"Moose" Johnston. "You're seeing more pressures from the Chargers front four, which is unusual because they usually get the job done." What?

-89 yard drive by the Squaws and the lead is 14 again. Good thing the t.v. screen is bulletproof cause the 80 mile per hour flip flop did no damage to it. Okay, I exaggerated. 76 miles per hour.

Some inspiration...


-Inspiration works culminating an ugly drive with a Best Ever, Ladanian Touchdown, touchdown. Yeah, that make sense.

-4th quarter. Time to man up and handle your business team that isn't resembling our defense today. Get it together boys.

-The Chargers starting defense is again on the field. Again I'm shocked.

-What I said earlier about Larry Johnson applies to Tony "second fiddle" Gonzalez today as well.

-Jamal Williams can bench press 9000 pounds. Sammy Parker can attest to this fact. He thankfully can also drop first down passes as a result of Jamal's beatdown. We're getting the ball and the Squaws coverage units are begging for a touchdown.

-I think fair catches should be fucking outlawed. Fair catches officially suck shit.

-LET'S GO OFFENSE! LET'S GO OFFENSE! LET'S GO OFFENSE!

-I can't decide if I hate the announcers or the Man Law commercials more. Yes I can, it's the announcers by a nose.

-Neil Patrick Harris and Jane Seymour rolling around naked together on my television. That pushes the announcers to second on the daily hate list. I now need to disinfect my eyeballs.

-Big completion to Gates for a first down. The Squaws are challenging his prowess as a pass catcher. It's a completion from my vantage point.

-Instant Replay can go fuck itself. Right in that little booth. Punting is ass.

-8 Minutes to go. Defense? Oh Defense? How 'bout a little thing I'd like to call a turnover?

-Donnie Edwards is listening, only he couldn't catch the pig. Clock stops which is nice.

-SACK! FUMBLE! I AM THE FUCKING NOSTRADAMUS OF FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MARCUS HARRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! LUIS CASTILLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!!!!!!

-PASS INTERFERENCE!!!! Really weak call that I will relish completely.

-Ladanian Touchdown can't quite get in... wait for it...fade to Gates.... no good. Still waiting for it....................................................LADANIAN TOUCHDOWN PASS TO MANANAMMANNAMMANUULUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMAAAA!!!
WHY ARE WE YELLLLLLLINNNNNNGGGGG!!!!

-LET'S GO DEFENSE! LET'S GO DEFENSE! LET'S GO DEFENSE!

-It's the Larry Johnson show today. 3rd and 1 is a little issue here that needs to be addressed. Sammy Parker must die.

-Big time sack makes for a 3rd and 13 at the two minute bell. Somebody better let the guys know during this timeout that Tony Gonzalez is an option here and we should probably cover him. You know, like really cover him, pressure the Huard kid, you know? You know right? Right?

-I'm fucking Nostradamus again. Clinton Hart covered the second best tight end well and we're getting the ball back. We're going to have good field position of this I promise. FUCKING FAIR CATCHES!

-Apparently a guy in Tampa kicked a 62 yard field goal with no time left to beat the Iggles. That's pretty good.

-Rivers to Parker for a big gain to the 47. Hey Nate? Through the uprights. THROUGH the uprights.

-Fuck holding.

-Screen to LTD picks up 8 and stops the clock. 2nd and long....Rivers can't find anyone and he's mobile like Drew Bledsoe. Gotta spend a timeout. Wonderful. Another sack. Just punt. Try to force overtime assholes.

-No one is covering Tony Gonzalez again. Squaws break the 50 with 18 seconds left. Gonzalez again to the 30 with 10 seconds to go. Nice work covering the former pro bowl tight end guys. We're letting the second best tight end beat us singlehandedly.

-Field Goal attempt from 48 and we're going to ice him. Glad they finally figured out that we're supposed to ice the other guys kicker and not our own.

-Kick is good, but looks like a false start and it is. My heart has not yet returned to a normal beating rhythm. I'm sweating and there's not even any porn on.

-Dickhead kicker drills it from 53. I hate kickers and tight ends and I hope they all piss themselves after celebrating a victory over our team. A victory over our team by the Squaws who are coached by Herm Edwards. Expletives won't even cut it here. FUCK! See. Didn't work.

-Since it's been a wonderfully woeful day here are my picks for the week...

Favorite Underdog

sd -5.5
jax 9.5
ne 5
pit 2
gb +4.5
phi 5
NYJ 3.5
CIN 3.5
den 4.5
INDY 9
SEA 6.5
ari 3

Monday
DAL 3.5

-Eat ass Kansas City. Eat ass.