Thursday, November 29, 2012

Week 12 Premature Evaluation

And, we're back. Time for the weekly Premature Evaluation. Again, sorry for being late, but sometimes the real job and life takes precedent over the free job that is, while fun and exciting, still unpaid and underappreciated.  However, it's time to grade each team as per usual on a mostly pass fail basis, unless of course you know, I feel like being more of a dick. ONSIDE KICK!!! You never saw that coming...

1.Texans (10-1). I've had just about enough of Texas. You're prominently figured in the book I'm reading. I hate the glory bestowed on your state. Oil, guns, and open container freedom. Wait? Why do I hate you again? Pass.  
2. 49ers (8-2-1). I'm pretty sure a nervous Alex Smith is worse than the regular Alex Smith.  The new guy looks more than competent however. Pass. B+.

3. Giants (7-4).  Oh gee, look who showed up for a week to wax a real team. Now you'll dump to the Cowgirls and fall off the radar yet again. Your game is tired. Pass. A. 
4. Patriots (8-3). Offensively you're resembling 2007. Defensively you're doing the same. You'd think after a while you'd address that defensive thing that continues to fail you in crucial moments. But here we are. Pass. 
5. Packers (7-4). I'm worried that when you get this thing figured out you'll win the Super Bowl. Let's go drinking so I can slip you a mickey and ensure you don't figure it out. Fail. F. 

6. Falcons (10-1). I'm still struggling as to whether you or the Ravens are the bigger lie. I'm going with you for now. F. Amazingly you pass with an F. 
7. Bears (8-3).  I liked you more when Jason Campbell was the quarterback. It's funny that even Bears fans hate Jay Cutler. Enjoy Chicago! If anyone deserves that guy it's you. No really, it is. Pass. C.

8.Broncos (8-3). I'm actually sort of happy because I feel at least like you are somewhat responsible for spurring the change that might occur with our management. But then again, you're still the donkeys and I fucking hate you. Plane crash on three! Ready...THREE!! Pass.
9. Saints (5-6). After all the turmoil and bullshit in the offseason, I admire the way you've still managed to become slightly scary as a football team. That's high praise from me. Pass. I'd not like to face you in the playoffs. Good thing we won't have to.

10. Ravens (9-2). You're a total lie. But, we're totally bigger liars. Fourth and twenty nine. Thanks for making that a permanent part of our legacy, along with the Norv Turner era. That in and of itself makes it almost impossible to be a Charger fan. F. Die.

11. Seahawks (6-5). I want to like you so much. But I'm going to have to settle for hatred. Fail. 

12.Steelers (6-5). You're never going anywhere with Brian Sandwich and Charlie Batch. If you get Rowengartner back soon you might be a contender. He'll probably return when we play you which will be nice. Thanks for that. F. Fail. F. 

13. Redskins (5-6).  You're a good bad team led by Mike Shanahan. I hate you. Die. F. 
14.Colts (7-4). This whole media darling thing with the cancer storyline and the renewal of Peyton Manning's Colts and the Patriots rivalry is manufactured and shitty. I hate it. I'll trade you Philip Rivers and Ryan Mathews for Andrew Luck. Consider it before you say no. Pass. 
15. Bucs (6-5). You're a Doug Martin injury from LaGarrett Blount. Don't get cocky. Pass. 

16. Vikings (6-5). Without Adrian Peterson, you're the Gophers including their epileptic head coach. That's not a good thing. Fail. 
17.   Bengals (6-5). Have mercy on us this week. We're not equipped to stop the Ginger to Green connection. So help me. Pass. 
18. Dolphins (5-6). Laughably futile. You're playing for nothing and it shows. Fail. 

19.Cowboys (5-6). You're schtick is even getting old. Their going to ruin the best thing about this team which is the ineptitude that Garrett and Reauxmeaux bring every week. That will be a sad day. Fail. 

20.  Lions (4-7). I'm starting to like this Suh character. Can we take him off your hands? Philip Rivers and Ryan Mathews are available....think about it....Fail. 
21.Rams (4-6-1). I really feel sorry for you Stephen Jackson. But if you were like everyone else, you'd have forced your way out of there years ago. Your bad. Fail. 

22. Cleveland (3-8). I hate you and I never have to live in Cleveland. That makes me the winner. Fail. 
23. Cardinals (4-7). Looks like the Arizona desert was finally too much for Satan. He took your souls and went home. Woof. Fail. 
24.  Chargers (4-7). Oh fuck you. Fail. 
25. Titans (4-7).  You're only relevant in fantasy circles and only because of Chris Johnson. No. One. Cares. F. Fail. 
26. Eagles (3-8). There is a no Andy Reid rule in my house. I'm working to make it  state law. I swear it cannot happen. Stop trying to dump your walrus on us! Fail. If you dump him on us, you have to take Mathews and Rivers and give us Vick and McCoy also. It's only fair. We basically drafted Vick anyway. Fail. 
27. Bills (4-7). Still more irrelevant than the Jets which seems impossible. F.
28. Jets (4-7). Unfortunately, the hurricane missed. F.
29. Panthers (3-8).  The best thing about you is that new commercial with Cam Newton's child replacement. I love that commercial. F.
30.  Jaguars (2-9). HENNE! HENNE! HENNE! Doesn't have a good ring to it. Fail. 
31. Raiders (3-8). Strangely it feels like Al is still pulling the strings. Good. F.

That's it for this week. As you're aware, the game again is blacked out and likely it's for the best. Don't sweat it, we're here to watch it for you and give you the full play by play of our ineptitude. Let's see what kind of spectacular ways we can shit the bed this week. Go bolts!!

Sunday, November 25, 2012


I'm a laaaaazy blogger. But seriously, what is there to talk about? The team stinks. It's not getting better any time soon. The coach remains. The GM remains. Dean's never gonna sell. Writing about it just feels like wallowing in it. Picking on the local writers has even lost it's luster for me. But writing is what you all don't pay me for, so I guess I must endure.

First things first, the game is blacked out and that is a shame. I think this game is going to go down as a brutal reminder that no one is our bitch anymore. Not Peyton Manning and not the road Ravens. Don't expect a rout like last season. Well, you probably do expect that. Most Chargers fans seem to think that team-the one that showed up for one game against the Ravens last year- is the real team. That is not your team. Your team is the one who can really only beat the awful Chiefs with any amount of consistency. Your real team folds in the face of adversity and bows down to any team with a winning record and some without. And you should all want the Ravens to murder us. Last year's Ravens game went a long way towards saving Norv and AJ. We cannot have that again. We cannot afford to have either one of those men anywhere near this team after this season and any wins down the line might be enough to at least save AJ. Of course, it's my opinion that both of them should be fired now, just avoid any uncomfortable decision making after we are officially eliminated from contention. Everyone else tells me that you clearly wouldn't fire either man until after the season, but the reasoning behind that sentiment appears to be "Because. Duh." Hard to argue with that.

Anyway, as the season winds down into nothingness earlier than it has in a long time around here, let's talk about the future of some of the local boys. Not Norv and AJ, they're already dead to me. But what might the future hold for some of the men in uniform?

Philip Rivers - Oh man, up yours, Philip Rivers. Get another "L" for your name, it's wierd looking, with one "L," like your delivery. How have you gotten so bad? Did Norv tell you to do it? I've stuck up for you. I've made excuses for you. No more. You are awful. Two years ago, no one would have thought we'd need to look for ole One-Ell's replacement, but now I say you can't get the heir apparent in here fast enough, because it ain't gonna be...

Charlie Whitehurst - What do you do, Charlie Whitehurst? What does it say on your business card. It can't say Quarterback on there. I mean, Philip's over there stinking up the joint and no one's even calling your name. Yeah, sure, people say in passing "I guess we could put in Whitehurst and see what happens," but no one is chanting your name or waving your banner. They chanted for Brady Quinn in KC. You're not even Brady Quinn! We gave you to another team and they gave you back! Just quit it, Whitehurst. Quit standing there. Go home. Everybody knows you sold your helmet to buy Garbage Pail Kids anyway.

Jared Gaither - Haha, just kidding. There's no such person as Jared Gaither. He's a ghost. Like Kaiser Soze. Those who claim to have seen him assure me he is an enormous man, but they are probably crazy. Dude's just not real.

Ryan Mathews - Shouldn't you have another "T" in your name? What is going on with this team and all it's missing letters? Anyway, Mathews, pretty much everyone is calling you this season's biggest disappointment, but I'm here to tell you that it isn't your fault. Running backs do not thrive in Norv Turner's ideal offense. Running backs need to go sit in the corner and shut up so Philip can shotput the ball to whomever is catching passes for us this week. LaDainian Tomlinson, who was once and often referred to by this unpaid writer as TBE (the best ever), wilted in Turner's offense. Darren Sproles never reached his true potential under Norv-but he did get to meet Ray Lewis once! My point is, Norv doesn't know what to do with you. You're a mystery to him. He sometimes doesn't even know if you're on the field. The fact is, you might actually be the best running back in the league, but we'll never know for sure. You never had a chance.

Robert Meachum - Fuck off, Robert Meachem. No offense. What do your business cards say? Do you go to the same guy as Whitehurst to get them done? Good job not getting any DUIs yet, I guess.

Danario Alexander - Settle down, Champ. You're making everyone else look bad. And you're making AJ look good, which is really bad. Aren't you paying attention? We can't take any chances with that guy, so go ahead and drop a couple of balls or something. But stick around, cause I have a feeling we're going to be needing you down the road.

Atari Bigby - Solid name. Killer look. Jamaican Voodoo Posse in full effect. It's not racist, it's Predator 2 with Danny Glover. Anyway, learn to tackle. You have arms, would it kill you to use them once in a while?

Quentin Jammer - Well, Jammer is getting closer and closer to being moved to Safety I think, and the only good thing that will come of that is that people will stop telling me that they need to move Jammer to Safety. That, and Jammer know how to use his arms to tackle ATARI BIGBY! Our corners are going to get shredded weekly when they finally make this move.

 Eric Weddle, Donald Butler, Shaun Phillips - You guys are cool.Way to rock two "L"s Phillips.

So there you have it. Some content. It's not great, but it's something. Have fun not watching the game. You know, unless your are a criminal! Criminals! The FBI is looking for you.

My prediction - Ravens 52, Bolts 24.

I'm going to leave all with this picture of a bottle of Melinda's hot sauce that somebody left at my house. If you are reading this and you are the person who left this at my house, you cannot have it back. It is mine now, I keep it. Everybody else should go buy some, because it is yummy and will make you feel better.

So good.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Week 10 Premature Evaluation...

First off I'd like to apologize for missing a week of prematurely evaluating the individual performances of each squad for week 9. I have an explanation, likely you do not care. I don't blame you, but since you're here, you likely have nothing to do while moving your bowels so you get the story regardless. I employ AT&T for my cable and internet services. On Wednesday, the night this post typically goes up of last week, my internet service went kaput. After multiple phone calls to India, a tech was scheduled to come by on Thursday. Thursday came and went, no tech came, no internet restored, no phone call or explanation. As you are aware, that's a whole fucketfull of fail. Had I a moment of free time, I'd take a shovel to the manager over there that told me, "Eh, it happens. We were overbooked.". Holy buckets were new swear words invented. Sadly they were wasted on someone in Bangladesh who had no idea what they meant.

So, that being said, we're back! As always it's time to break out my analyst hat (analyst dickheads) and assign grades to each and every team. You know the drill by now, all grades are on a mostly pass fail basis, unless of course I feel like being a dick. Ask AT&T how I feel. Someone in India is still crying, and not because their streets are covered in shit. Thank you come again!

1. AT&T (0-1). Bunch of fuckfaces are you. Ef. Ay. Eye. El. FAIL. 
1A. Packers (6-3). Imagine if this team was healthy. Wait. Don't. Don't imagine that at all. Let's get some arsenic in the hotel food shall we? Pass.
2. Texans (8-1). Only because you hurt Jay Cutler do you occupy the number two hole here. Otherwise you just remind me of the number two hole. Pass.
3. Giants (6-4). Oh, spare me the midseason swoon routine. You play against the Cowgirls, Iggles and Injuns. LIke you have anything to prove in that division. But still fail. 
4.Patriots (6-3). As if Tom Brady wasn't already wholly unlikeable, he's doing concussion awareness commercials for the NFL. The only concussion he has ever sustained was at the hands of Giselle as his dome was assaulted by their headboard while she worked him over with her strap on. True story. I read it on the internets. Pass. C.
5. 49ers (6-2-1). A tie? To the Rams? Seriously? It's hard enough to put aside my hatred and bias against you and then you play a full NFL game to a tie. You should lose draft picks for putting me through that. Fuck you failures.
6.Falcons (8-1). Atlanta Fraudcons. TO LEGIT TO QUIT! TO! LEGIT! TO LEGIT TO QUIT! M.C. Hammer has more credibility than you. Which I have to admit is awesome. Fail. F. That may be to with two o's. Don't care.
7. Bears (7-2).  Hi Jason Campbell! Good luck saving the season! At least you can quit your side job of shoveling driveways in Gary, Indiana now that you're a starter again! Yay! Oh, and fail.
8.Broncos (6-3). I saw a guy wearing an Ed McCaffrey jersey on my airplane yesterday. I was so torn with wanting the plane to crash for punishment for that behavior, and you know, living. I'm truly impressed with my strength to not root for plane crash. That's DISCIPLINE! Pass.
9.Seahawks (6-4). The kindest thing I can say about you is that Russell Wilson isn't Trent Dilfer. That's saying a lot. Pass.  
10. Saints (4-5). Now that you're back to your just interim head coach, you've managed to build momentum from your victory over us. Had I the power to control hurricanes, another would be bearing down on your village as we speak. I'm going to go start my truck and let it run idle just in case global warming is real. Pass. 
11. Steelers (6-3). Well, well, well. Apparently Ben nearly died. So many players are nearly dying anymore (see: Amendola, Danny) it's the new black. We'll see if you can hang on with Bryon Sandwich until Ben is off life support. Pass. D. 
12.  Ravens (7-2). Lying bunch of liars. See you at about spot 19 next week. Good time to catch your division rival and superior team when their starting quarterback looks like he ate the real starting quarterback. Pass. C. 
13. Vikings (6-4). Boy. Adrian Peterson is the only likable thing about you. You are clearly not going to make up your mind as to whether you're a good team or not. I think not. Pass. C. God Damned C students. Super Dickheads. 
14. Lions (4-5). To call you disappointing would be an understatement. However, that disappointment brings me so much pleasure. Here's to you Lions! Life is good and normal when you suck! Hooray for suck. Fail. F for execution, A for suck.
15. Redskins (3-6). Let me be clear about this. Until RGIII, the only thing people cared about was how insensitive your team name was. We're back to talking about your team name. Not a good sign. F. Fail.   
16. Dolphins (4-5). Max and I shared this exchange tonight. Max: "So, Miami sucks some." Me: "They are the Minnesota Chargers of the east." Case closed. Fail. F.
17.  Rams (3-5-1). You deserve credit for not losing to the 49ers. Except you tied. You deserve no credit for that. You're the fat easy girl in the bar at 12:45. Anyone can get to you. But they're usually to drunk to put you away. Fail. F. 
18. Colts (6-3). Seriously leveraging cancer to death aren't you? Arizona would like to have a word with you about ruining their relationship with Satan. Pass. 
19. Bucs (5-4). You probably think you're special after that victory last week. Newsflash dickheads, you beat us. Us isn't good. In fact, without us being us, you lose handily. Pass. D-. 
20. Cowboys (4-5). You're an embarrassment to the sport. But you're entertaining as hell. Pass. D.
21.Eagles (3-6). I swear to holy hell, if you package up that incompetent walrus and send him our way to coach our team next year, there will be hell to pay. I will strap knives to crossbow arrows and shoot them out of a flamethrower at you forever.

22. Bengals (4-5). I'm firmly in the camp that you are underachievers. That's no compliment. You are tigers without bite or balls. Pass. B-.
23.  Cleveland (2-7). I'm still bitter about the loss from two weeks ago. There's nothing I'm going to say that will be constructive here. Luckily, you don't do anything that resembles a professional football team constructively for that matter. So there. Fail.
24. Cardinals (4-5).  You are entertaining in your awfulness. You'd think after all these years you'd address the offensive line issues that are, well, offensive. Instead you drafted a receiver in the first round that reminds me of the guy that Seattle drafted which is weird. Your deal with the devil has apparently expired. But, you have the Falcons on tap, who we all know are a lie. Enjoy upset Sunday. Fail. 
25. Titans (4-6). The only reason people pay attention to you is to check Chris Johnson's fantasy stats. That's a sad place to be. 
26. Chargers (4-5). No one checks our fantasy stats. Our quarterback has clearly been taken up by zombies and is no longer himself. Our coach however is. Blah, blah, blah. I'm sick of writing the same thing for years on end. I have better ways to waste my time. I have cable and internet providers to yell at in India. To say fail is an insult to failures. But, Fail. 
27. Bills (3-6). You are the ultimate futile team. Everything you do is a colossal waste of time. Even when you win, you lose, which isn't often. The winning part that is. Fail. F.   
28. Jets (3-6).  Here you are still entertaining me with how horrible you are. Unfortunately, your owner is starting to realize it and change is on the horizon. Such a sad day in my home to know they are committed to turning this trainwreck around. Fail. F. 
29. Panthers (2-7).  Boring. Fail. 
30. Raiders (3-6). Wow. The Ravens took you to the woodshed and violated you like your dead owner violated contracts. I doubt you enjoyed that again but at the same time, you're used to it. Things you're used to become less painful over time. Fail. 
31. Chiefs (1-8). The only thing you did right was kill the Ben. That cannot erase your entire fail of a season. F. Fail. F.
32. Jaguars (1-8). They still haven't announced your move to L.A.? Color me shocked. And, a lot of people speak ill of the Chefs, but you are clearly the class of the worst in the league. Hang your hat on that. Fail. 
Again, I apologize for the delay. It will not occur again, as long as AT&T doesn't smear peanut butter on themselves and enjoy their dog in inappropriate ways again. Oh, and peruse the archives. Those around here that write this content predicted a losing streak that started with Tampa and lasts five weeks. We're embarking on week two. Keep your eyes open and your beers cold. You'll need both. Happy football everybody.

I Stand Corrected

If you've ever had the pleasure-nay, the honor!-of hearing me soapbox for more than a couple of minutes then you know that I've gone on the record as saying Tight Ends are bullshit in fantasy football and that Norv Turner is no damn genius! Well, I stand here before you humbled by harsh pimp hand of reality. No, Tight Ends are still total fantasy football bullshit , but I have discovered actual physical evidence that Norv Turner may actually be the offensive genius so many paid sports pundits tell you he is. You see, this isn't your normal half ass local sports team blog that's unwilling to hit the streets. We go the extra quarter mile here and every so often it pays dividends. I'm not going to go over all the sordid details, but Yours Intrepidly here was able to procure this discarded cocktail napkin that trusted sources assure me belonged to Norv and presumably offers up keen insight into a key facet of the Chargers offensive game-plan for this Sunday's big must win game against the Denver Fuck-os.

For those of you following along on your tiny baby smart phones that napkin clearly says, "Score 35 points in the first half." Well, history tells us that would do it. Genius. Go Bolts!!!

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Your Season So Far: A Retrospective: Things Are Looking Up: We Got This: Charger Time!

I’ve really neglected this site. I’m aware of it. And I’m sorry. I’m not going to make excuses, but I have some excuses I’d like to offer up in case you’re into that.

There was an election. Elections are important. If you are not grinding your teeth and perusing every available piece of information in order to make an informed decision on election day, then you might as well move to Communist Britain because you are no American! I studied a lot. And I learned a lot. For instance, did you know that propositions are not just for hookers? True story.  Anyway, I don’t know if anything I voted for happened, but I feel better than anyone that didn’t vote and being better than other people is as American as liposuction.

Another thing that kept me from contributing to this blog is how hard I’ve been working. At winning the lottery. I’ve been buying tickets so hard. It’s like a full time job. And I’ve always heard that you get from your job what you put into it. So I expect a check from the state for $173 any day. That’s how the lottery works, right? Fucking Ponzi scheme.

Thirdly, I just turned old o’ clock on the life calendar so I forget a lot of stuff now. Like the URL for this blog. Or how Facebook works. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks just sitting out in front of my house in a bath robe drinking coffee and staring. It’s still coffee even if you top it off with Ten High.

All of those things considered, it’s not like I’m totally disconnected from our beloved Chargers. I, like many of you, saw Norv and Co. save the season a couple of Thursdays ago with a dominating performance against the Chiefs. It was too dominating! Anyway, with that great comeback story the first half of the season came to a close. Eight games in the books and I figured what better way to hail my triumphant return to owning the internet than by going over the first half off the season with in depth game by game analysis. So let’s try that and see if it works*.

Week 1 - Chargers @ Raiders
I think at this point most people just remember that we dismantled the Raiders on opening night. It’s like they didn’t even show up, which is partially true. Their best receiver didn’t show up, which was huge for us because even Cason is probably only gonna get burned once or twice by the other team’s third best guy. Honestly, go back and look at film. Cason put on a clinic on not getting burned too often by a mediocre receiver. And then there was the Raiders’ long snapper, who showed up, but then went home sick. Seriously, dude, just stay home. Don’t come in and work for an hour and then be all “Sorry I gotta bail. My head feels funny.” Everybody in the office knows you’ve been drinking and if you’d just called in to begin with we could’ve called a temp, but now Gene from accounting has to snap the ball and we’re going to lose the big account. Thanks, Alchie. Thanks for nothing.

Final Analysis: Crushing it. Superbowl bound!

Week 2 – Titans @ Chargers
Home opener. And a grudge match. You all remember that one time that one Titan stepped on Antonio Gates’ hand, right? Yeah, well this time it was personal. Antonio kept his hands off the ground and this game was never in doubt. Unless you count the second and thhird quarters where Philip and Co. decided not to do anything and see if the Titans had the balls to do anything about it. Stupid Titans! We knew you didn’t have it in you. Here, have a clearly intentionally thrown interception! What are you gonna do with it? Nothing. Game over. 

I felt the most exciting thing about this game was that it proved what I’d only suspected while watching the Raiders game. That after several years of shiftless Norvism, this team had finally decided to cultivate an identity. Team That Never Puts Anyone Away if They Can Help it. Not the identity I’d have gone with, but it’s nice to know this team plans to do something consistently for once.

Final Analysis. What do you mean we didn’t put the Titans away? Scoreboard! Getting fitted for our Superbowl gowns!

Week 3 – Cheating ass Falcons @ San Diego
The Falcons are cheating cheaters and they know what they’ve done. I’m not sure how they’re doing it, but there’s no way that team is undefeated without cheating. Matt Ryan is as boring as his name. Roddy White? I had Roddy White on my fantasy team last year and I can tell you that there is no doubt he is a terrible person who probably runs some sort of underground baby wresting ring. Bare knuckle! Michael Turner? Look, people in San Diego love Turner because they can’t get their heads out of their pasts, but Turner is old and not very good. I don’t care if he led the NFC in rushing last year, I’m pretty sure not one of those yards did his team any good.  He’s the worst short yardage short yardage guy in the league. So yeah, the Falcons are cheating.

This was also the game where Ryan Mathews tried to sabotage our offense by not getting out of his own way again. Is this guy trying to promote his personal Fumbler brand sports apparel line? Seriously, we are scientifically advance enough to grow an ear on someone’s arm; We can’t get Mathews a couple of extra fingers?

Final Analysis – We’re not going to let some stupid cheaters ruin our glorious coming out party. Owning the AFC.

Week 4 – Chargers @ Chiefs
Honest to God, I don’t even remember this game happening. Did we really already play the Chiefs twice? I think we were kind of winning a lot, and then they kind of looked like they might come back, but then we kind of handled it. Is that right? Geez, 37-20? I guess we killed them. Wait, of course we killed them! Chargers!

Final Analysis – Um, good?

Week 5 – Chargers at New Orleans
The week we learned to miss the replacement refs. So, Antonio Gates is pretty much Rodney Harrison now, right? The refs are just going to assume he did something wrong at the worst possible time for us and throw the flag. I’m calling it right now. Tony Gonzalez retires and Gates goes to the cheating Falcons and wins three rings.

Anywho, the Bolts never stood a chance in this game. The league was never going to let the ultimate shrimpy good guy, Drew Brees, go 0-5. And they certainly weren’t going to allow him to fall to the team that wronged him so badly that he had to settle for making hundreds of millions of dollars and the adoration of millions of fans in New Orleans rather than sit on our bench for five years like some stupid Billy Volek. I mean, I hate AJ Smith, but I don’t have a reason that good.

This was also the game that cemented one of the many onion like layers of our new identity where one big play or call that goes against us makes us too sad to keep playing. It’s depression, people, and it’s a disease.

Final Analysis – Sometimes even 0-4 teams get lucky. Especially when the stupid refs are in the bag for Drew Brees and his stupid face. We shall overcome!

Week 6 - Broncos @ Chargers
Okay, so this game was a tie, right? We beat them up for a half, they beat us up for a half. No team played better than the other team for any more than 30 minutes. Tie. This is what’s wrong with the NFL. Anybody can clearly see what the outcome should have been, but the NFL insists on going by the archaic notion of points scored. This game was a tie. Ask any pop warner squad. What kind of message are we sending to the children?

Also, I know a lot of people felt like that fumble by Rivers was a forward pass, but I have to disagree. The rules are very clear that when something happens on the field that maybe there is some way to interpret it and if the ball comes out but the quarterback didn’t get hit in the head and the defense doesn’t follow through to the ground. Fumble. Conversely, if the quarterback is blindsided but the defender deflects the ball, but there is an illegal shift which cancels out too many men on the field? Possibly touchdown. It’s simple rulebook stuff.

Final Analysis – The Universe and the league are conspiring against us. But we’ve got something the Universe only sort of has because he’s in it, but he’s on our side. Genius. Norv.


Week 9 - Chiefs @ Chargers
Salvation! Hey league, up yours! These Chargers do not lose to the team with the worst recoed in the league three times in one year, am I right?! This game was special in that our selfless offense stepped aside and let our oftened maligned (scapegoated) in the local media defense dictate the game in the second half. I’m not kidding, the offense couldn’t wait to get off the field and let the D strut their stuff. And the D did not Disappoint.

This was also the game that proved the Chiefs should kill themselves.

Final Analysis – We’re back, baby! Why have we not put Superbowl tickets on sale yet? Seems like poor planning. But hey, this team is focused on the now.

So, there you have it. Half the season in the books and the Bolts are in the drivers seat. Next stop, Tampa Bay, and I like our chances. I mean, who the hell is Doug Martin? 250 something yards? Big whoop. Adrian Peterson ran for nearly 300 on us in his rookie season. Call us when you’ve done something worth talking about. And Vincent Jackson? Um, we know Vincent Jackson. We know he likes to disappear for games at a time. Let’s put Cason on him and make it interesting. And Josh Freeman? Hey buddy, your “I throw a lot of touchdowns and not a lot of interceptions” schtick is getting old. There are more important things than stats when it comes to being a future Hall of Famer. Making weird faces, for instance. Learn to make a funny face, rookie, and then we’ll talk. What, Freeman’s not a rookie? That can’t be right.

Anyway, by my estimation, this season is right on track. It’s another lovely Norvember in San Diego and the forecast calls for Superbowls!

Too much sarcasm? I felt like it was pretty good. Let me know, I could use the validation. Thanks for coming. Go Bolts!!!

* Personally, I find that if I’m getting bored while reading a blog entry but it’s written by a friend so I feel obligated to finish it, I’ll go look at porn between paragraphs to break up the monotony. Feel free to do that if this post sucks; I won’t take it personally. It sometimes takes me three or four days to read CJ’s posts and I’m sure he’s cool with that.

** Apparently, we also played the Browns.

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Killing Coaches and Predicting Games

Today on the radio another couple of our local sports –I don’t even know the proper title for these people is! Sports journalists? Sports clowns?-anyway, these jerks who inexplicably get paid to talk about sports were discussing whether Philip Rivers was what those in the industry call “a coach killer,” a la Michael Vick who originally took down Jim “Not Jr. because he has a different middle name than his dad and how stupid is that?” Mora and is now gunning for a guy with more lives than any cat named Norv, Andy “Goes to the play-offs for the people watching” Reid. Anyway, I guess some blog decided to ask this question about whether Philip was the same kind of problem instead of asking why he only has one “L” in his name and that got the local guys talking because professional sports whatevers know that blogs are stupid unless you are desperate for material and not, by nature, very creative. Well, that’s a great question, allow me to answer it. There is only one coach killer in this town and he is the guy carrying the clipboard and calling the plays and getting ignored by Rivers on the sideline and it says “Norv Turner – Head Coach” on his door. As long as that guy is around he doesn’t stand a chance. Unless you count the fifty-seven or so chances he’s already had.  You cannot go and give Norv all the credit for Philip’s development and then not place the blame on him when Philip regresses. End of story. Rivers may yet be salvageable. Norv can never be fixed. Next question.

Who will win tonight’s game you ask? Well, duh. The Chargers will win the game. Ask anybody and they’ll tell you there’s no way we lose to the Chiefs. They have the worst record in the league. What’s that you say? Two of our last three games were lost to teams with the worst record in the league at the time? Man, you’re just living in the past. You have to look forward, people. Except for that time that Norv won those playoff games. Never forget that. That’s who we really are. Anyway, the local media is all, “Well clearly we suck, but obviously we’ll beat the Chiefs for some reason,” and who am I to argue with them. They have predicted the demise of this team only a mere handful of years too late. That’s why they make the big bucks. That’s why I don’t question them. That’s why we will decimate the Chiefs tonight.

KC 27, Bolts 13.