Sunday, December 13, 2009

Gametime...

Rumor has it, and by rumor has it I mean Max told me this tidbit of the juicyness last night, that Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins is now smashing the pumpkins of one Jessica Simpson. Really? Billy Corgan? The last "high profile" piece of tail I can remember Billy getting down with was one heroin addled Courtney Love post Cobain suicide version. She looked like an anorexic skeleton in a zip off crack whore costume. He even got her after that little fairy from R.E.M. Stipe got done wiping his junk on her. Congrats Billy Corgan for taking a significant step upwards in your boy pants.

Significance? Well, as you may or may not know, one SupertitsMcGee Simpson used to go out with the quarterback of our main foe today. The one who has massacred his December resume according to all the media sources I've consulted must be slightly disappointed that his ex-conquest is now trading bodily fluids with the lead singer of a long defunct band. I think he can even appreciate Gish, but everything after that pales in comparison for sure.

I am scared of the Cowgirls. I mean I really am. Max has tried to convince me otherwise but I think that feeling permeates the locker room. The last time out we got it handed to us, albeit with Gates serving out his well deserved suspension for being the greatest tight end to ever hold out of training camp. Did I thank A.J. for that again yet? No? Okay, thanks for that again A.J. Nothing like breeding a culture of fear against an opponent within my head that most assuredly permeates the locker room.

Given my druthers, we stomp the piss out of this lie of a football team today and send old Reauxmeaux home with nary a head injury so that he still has to visualize his old girlfriend with Billy Corgan cock deep inside all her orifices.

That being said, Go Bolts. In an abbreviated rant this week, fuck Rush the band. Stupid Canadians. By no means am I insulting all Canadians right to their faces, as far as you know, but that band can eat a dick.

Bolts 28 Cowgirls 24.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Well Said, Ross Tucker!

Ross Tucker over at CNNSI.com referred to the San Diego offense as "Philip Rivers and his band of human mismatches." I think that is a pretty glorious moniker and I wholeheartedly approve. Let's spread this one around.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Thursday Night Snoozefest Comin' At Ya!

The other day CJ was saying to me that Dallas worries him because the Chargers always seem to be intimidated by Dallas. I wasn't sure at the time, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that not only was he right, but that in reality we are intimidated by pretty much every big persona team. Dallas, the Patriots-the 94 Niners! Teams with big time mythos backing them seem to scare the shit out of us. Look at this years Giants. That team is not the same team as the last couple of years, but they took us to the wire. Why? Probably because they have big time New York hype backing them. But all of those teams pale in comparison to the Pittsburgh Steelers. That team is grittier and more blue collar-y than we could ever hope to be and when we face off against them we don't stand a chance. Not since we had our own gritty, blue collar QB, the indomitable Stan Humphries, have we given the Steelers a proper challenge. This year they gave us our only truely sound beating so far this season. It wasn't even a competition. But look at these Steelers. They are not so good this year. No discernable offensive identity. Barely adequate coverage skills. This team lost to the Raiders, and while the Raiders look more like I expected them to this season after ejecting Jamarcus Russell from the starting QB position, they are still the Raiders. So tonight's match-up between the floundering Steelers and the suddenly spunky little engines that almost could Browns might actually prove to be an interesting match-up, but that doesn't make it right. Thursday Night football kind of sucks period if you ask me.

BTW, I don't really think we're scared of Dallas this year. Go Bolts!!!

Monday, December 07, 2009

Quick Thoughts

So, another win is another win, but we certainly let the lowly Browns hang around. A lot of people want to hang that on the defense, but LT had another statistically misleading day running up 80+ yards and a TD. Unfortunately, he also managed to average a paultry 3.2 yards per carry. Once again, this was against the Browns. Not a stellar club there. At some point we are going to have to find a way to eat some clock, and with three of our last four games against contending teams, I think it's going to have to be sooner rather than later.

It is getting really difficult for me to refrain from punching people who take our beating Indy for granted. Anybody who wants to run into that team in the playoffs is retarded.

Why did it seem like Andy Reid was trying to let Mike Vick have a little revenge against the city of Atlanta? For what? It's not like they ran him out of town. He went to fucking jail and broke everybody's heart for Christ's sake!!! Take those two TDs you ungrateful bastards! Wait, what?!

Anybody still wondering why Belichek decided not to go with his D against the Colts a few weeks back? How the mighty have fallen.

9-3 is nice but I guess Denver didn't get the message they were through, and now it looks like our "lowly" division could send two. This is getting interesting. Go Bolts!!!

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Schoolin' Is Hard.

So there it is. Another glorious blowout of another division "rival." It heartens me to see us beat up on KC, a team that traditionally plays us tough no matter how shitty they are. I dare say this is the hottest we've been in quite some time. And with Cleveland coming up, it just gets better. Believe me, we need these confidence builders. We suddenly have 3 tough games on our schedule with the resurgence of the Titans. Speaking of the Titans and how it relates to us, do you think there's any way that Jamarcus Russell doesn't get at least one more chance to destroy the Raiders organization now that Vince Young has emerged from exile in Tennessee to become the NFL's big story right now? Is it racist for me to say that? I mean, I have no doubt that Al Davis believes they are related like the Manning brothers, if not that they are actually the same person. Hell, I'm not so sure they aren't brothers. Racist?

Let's size up those three contenders, from easiest to hardest, in my opinion:

Dallas- That's not a very good team, right? I mean, the whole NFC East has drastically fallen in terms of competetivity(?). Dallas has won a game 7-6 to the Redskins. Ergo, Dallas almost lost to the fucking Redskins. This year! Now, sure they got some weapons (that they appear to have no idea how to use). And yeah, that defense is technically sound. Unfortunately for Dallas, though, it's getting late in the season and that's when they tend to turn back into a pumpkin. A pumpkin filled with shit. Verdict: Not worried.

Cincinnati- I am positive I spelled that wrong and I don't care. Fuck Cincy and their gay little spelling joke on the rest of the world, I will call them Cincy! Do you suppose young poor alchoholic people in that town call Nati Ice, Cincinnati Ice? Anyway, throw this team in with Philly. The Chargers are not going to be afraid of any team that lost to the Raiders, regardless of whether Jamarcus Russell was playing or not. And the truth is, I think we put up points on any D right now, while the Bengals can't play from far behind. Seriously, the guy in my fantasy league with what should be the best team going might not make the playoffs because he has Carson Palmer for a QB. They do not let Carson Palmer throw the ball anymore. Yet he is still considered an elite type QB. Figure that shit out. Verdict: Not so worried.

Tennessee- Let's get one thing straight. Vince Young will not lead this team to 10 straight victories. That being said, Chris Johnson could. This team is hot. I think they can knock off the Colts, because the Colts let more people get on top of them early than your mom, and if the Titans get a lead, Chris Johnson is the means with which to protect it. As for our match-up, make no bones about it, there is no love lost between our two franchises. This will be our best primer for the postseason. Verdict: Can't wait!

Nice job by the Saints last night, but I still don't think they go undefeated. They have no problem getting it up for a big game like that (just like your dad at the disco-and I mean gay disco), but they can't seem to get it up for anybody else(mm-hmm). Of course, this may be wishful thinking. Too many of my fellow Chargers fans still get moist at the mention of Drew Brees. Hey, I got nothing against the guy, per se, but I think we did pretty well with the guy we chose. To hear a San Diego fan put Brees up with Manning and Brady with nary a mention of Rivers is insulting and like everything else in my life, drives me to drink.

One last thing for now. I am getting really tired of people blaming the O-line for the woes in our running game. They may not be the best run blocking line in the league, but believe me there are plenty of backs in the league (and at least one on the roster) that could put up solid numbers here. Sproles is too small to be effective regularly and the way we use him these days, no team is surprised when we hand him the ball. LT does not see the field or make cuts without a competent lead blocker. We don't have one, and therefore, we need a fresh set of eyes at that position. I LOVE LT. He is my favorite Charger ever. But it is over. 1 yard TDs only mask the problem. And now locals are already starting to call for his return next year. Sorry guys, but unless he agrees to a Gwynn-like salary he's gone. And to keep him in anything more than a back-up capacity would be a huge mistake. Sorry, I know it hurts, but schoolin' is hard. That's why I never finished college. Go Bolts!!!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Not Exactly A Clash Of The Titans

Man, I figured we'd handle the flailing Broncos, but that was embarrassing. I mean, sure we probably got lucky on that goal line fumble call, and that could have been a momentum changer, but one play rarely does a football game make. Personally, I think we may have finally been paid back for the Hochuli thing, and ultimately this game may have meant more than that one. The Bolts are fired up and playing as hot as anybody. This is exciting shit. And the best part is that Cromartie cracked a guy in the head with a bottle of champagne (allegedly) at Bar West that night, and anybody hanging out at that place deserves it!



One more thing. Word around town is that veteran O-line monster John Runyan is likely to sign with the Chargers to replace the injured Jerome Clary. That's some solid experienced depth we can be happy about. Go Bolts!!!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

It's Exciting To Be Excited!

It occurred to me earlier today that for the last two years, at this point in the season, I have been pissed off in regards to football; More specifically, I've been pissed off at my team. Underachievement and poor coaching were the hallmarks of the first half of those seasons. Well, don't look now, but times have changed. Suddenly, we are achieving at an appropriate level and we are not too poorly coached. Talk about improvement! Seriously, though, over the last four weeks this team has been really good. Sure, the Raiders and Chiefs suck, the vaGiants are descending and the Eagles are in the midst of their yearly swoon, but you can't pick your opponents (this isn't college football, for crying out loud), you can only beat them. And that's what we've been doing.

We need to beat Denver. It's as simple as that. If we lose this game, we'll be effectively two games out and in danger of a karmic beatdown. Remember last year when we went to the postseason at 8-8, while the 11-5 Patsies stayed home? Yeah, that could be us if we're not careful. By nearly all accounts we should murder this team (I think Vegas actually has the Broncos giving us 2.5, but my theory is that Broncos fans gamble more than Mexicans). Orton's hurt, and that supposedly is a big deal. The Broncos are reeling. The Chargers are flying. We are set up to announce our presence with authority. That worries me. We are terrible at being favored. I can not remember the last time we covered a sizable spread or won a Superbowl with a 14-2 record. So here's what I want to see. I want to see a little twisting of the knife. If I see our defense drop into prevent midway through the second quarter with a two score lead, I will absolutely lose my shit. If we start hammering away at the middle of the line with our inconsistent running game to the effect of 3-and-out after 3-and-out I will start a fucking letter writing campaign the likes of which hasn't bee seen since CJ solicited the Governator to help free his mom from a Puerto Rican jail for trying to smuggle 10 kilos of uncut powder out of the country in her snapper. Seriously, Locked Up Abroad: Episode 12, check it out. I want to see bombs flying. I want to see Denver children crying. Hell, I want to prove to Nick Canepa that I can like Norv Turner just fine if he stops being such a loser. Let's get this done.

Now for another quick Cut. I watched the highly acclaimed documentary Anvil: The Story of Anvil last night and I gotta say I just don't fucking get it. When did we start glamorizing all the shittiest things that happened in the 80s? Or the 80s themselves for that matter? I mean, I spent some of my formative years in the 80s, and while their was some good stuff-the resurgence of skateboarding, for example-there was a shitload of lame crap going on. Meth took hold in the 80s, y'know? Butt Rock retards like Anvil? Horrible. You can put Slash in your documentary (actually, more of a commercial for their 14th album), but that doesn't put you on a level with GnR. I don't admire a couple of guys too stupid to give up or evolve, and I don't feel sorry for them either. This movie reminded me of The Wrestler, another gritty take on a shitty form of entertainment. That movie was so REAL, you know? About as real as the toothless guy at the bar who bends your ear around tales of his rockin' youthful exploits while you're trying to order a drink. All you really want is for him to shut up and leave you alone. Bartender?!



Who gives a fuck about Anvil? There are a shitload of bands that sucked too much to succeed, even if they did play big in Japan. On a side note, I once wrote a review of a CD for a band called Big in Japan. Kind of generic, but not terrible. Anvil? Shitty. F-. I'd rather be hung by my thumbs. You're fucking cut!

Chargers 28, Broncos 20. Go Bolts!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Rant....

Since I've decided to abstain from the prognosticating for the time being until I can right the shipwreck my decision making process has become, so I'm dedicating my time to what I'm affectionately calling "The Rant". Especially since I think this weekend's game is going to further expose the suck that the Donk are currently trying to pass off as football.

Generally, I come across an item or two in my daily browsing of the interwebs that infuriate me to no end. It's usually the off beat opinion of a "journalist" who has adopted as his calling the opining of some currently relevant topic yet with some sort of slanted angle in order to stand out from the herd. Done well, this is something to be appreciated, but usually, this ends poorly and rarely is there enough attention paid to expose these abortions for what they are. An opinion in the place of reporting facts, especially a bad opinion formulated to be different is about as useful as sandy vagina. That is all just a long way of saying that "journalism" as it is currently being forced upon us is pissing me off and this is my space to shit on it.

Two items in particular have recently had me on the upside of irate. First was the "reporting" of the Larry Johnson incident. This took on two forms. First, Larry Johnson is a horrible homophobic imitation of a human being who has a far beyond troubled past that would rival most pedophiliac felons. Now, this may appear that I'm defending Larry Johnson. Please do not make this mistake. Larry Johnson has his own set of issues. The first of which and the one that should have gotten the most attention in this most recent incident was the undermining of his coaching staff and his team. Plain unacceptable insubordination. This gets most people fired; not even professional football players or ones masquerading as professional football players are usually immune. But no, that wasn't the story. Larry Johnson went on to use a "homophobic slur" when referring to members of the media. A bad choice of words to be sure. My issue was that Yahoo, was not the only media source to report this as a "homophobic" slur, but merely the first place I saw it referred to in this context. This is not a "homophobic" slur. It's certainly a homosexual slur, but not one of homophobia. This is the "journalistic" slant that inserts the writer and his opinion into the story, making his outrage at LJ's actions the focal point of the piece instead of just reporting the damned facts. For that Yahoo, you suck shit out of the ass end of a buffalo.

The second piece was again widely opined and had to do with Bill Belichick apparently blowing the fourth down play during last Sunday night's Colts affair. In short, report to me what the fuck he did. Don't tell me that he sucks as a football coach and can't be effective at his position as that was so telling of his arrogance and it finally, FINALLY bit him in the ass, HURRAY!!!! Agree or disagree with his call, I myself am sort of torn and I'm sure I'd feel awfully different about it had it been Norvy at the helm of that ship, but Jesus Pete. The guy showed some balls, went with something that should have worked and ended the game in victory and failed. Had it worked he'd have been a god damned deity, instead he's a guy with three super bowl rings and a bank account the size of Vanuatu. He gives a flying fuck what you think journoboy.

There were approximately 887 things to choose from for this space today, and believe me we will get to more of them after the slaughter on Sunday, like for example, have you heard that global warming is the main cause of prostitution in the Philippines? You didn't know? Ooooh that was a good one sure to be shared later on. Go bolts, time to give the Tijuana treatment to the Donks.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Friends talking football via e-mail

I am a member of an e-mail thread that is run by a friend of mine from college who travels the world, and has written an NFL ranking algorithm which he uses to rank the teams each week. The rankings are sent to the e-mail thread, and lots of smack talk generally ensues.

There are Giants fans, Cowboys fans, Eagles fans, WAY too many Broncos fans, and I think I may be the only Charger fan. It can be tough to listen to the chum that is stirred up in there, but it's sometimes funny too... and every now and then, I chime in. I thought I'd share a couple of recent ones that I contributed. Enjoy!

Post 1:

Mike (Packer fan), go easy on Scott (Giants fan and the author of the algorithm). His poor team had to go into a bye week with the image of Philip Rivers going all Philip Rivers on them and leading a game winning drive down their field ending in a TD to VJ in the back of the end zone. Oy.

(after Scott complained about not having access to a proper PC for the latest week's calculations) Scott, I can lend you a windows PC when you get here… Let me just “prep” one for you with my special version of Microsoft Excel that includes some preset macros to help counteract Donkey fans overexcitement about a good start to a long season. Looks like they might be going from the Bronc-os to the Bronc-oh-nos! (again). Well, we’ll see… big game this Sunday! Chargers get a chance for payback. Hopefully the Donks aren’t counting on 14 points from kick returns this time. Go Chargers!!

Post 2:

It looks like Orton may indeed start in Sunday’s Broncos vs. Chargers. That’s probably a good thing, because Chris Simms not only seems to have trouble making the ball go through the air toward a teammate, but he also really doesn’t fit the Broncos Quarterback mold at all. Allow me to demonstrate… Let’s look at the recent Denver QB’s:



And now, Mr. Simms:



He looks way too awake! And that hair? That’s no mop! You need to grow that out and then brush it down forward over your eyes, man! Stop smiling… turn that smile upside down. And hang that head… And when was the last time you shaved? Whenever it was, it was way to recently. Luckily, I have worked up a prototype image to send to Simms. He can use this as a model, and hopefully he can achieve something close to this look by Sunday, in case he is called in to helm the Broncos.



That’s better.

Go Chargers!!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Who'da Thunk It....

So here we are again. Up and down cardiac football yet again has blessed us with it's schizophrenic presence. As we've established around here, I've become somewhat prescient with interception predictions and as my recent record with my picks will attest, I'm good at nothing else football related.

For what amounts to the second week in a row, praise not vitriol can be directed towards the coaches. Ol' Norvy has surprised me for in consecutive weeks now and well, when the stone is rollin' far be it from me to get all mossy on it so, Norv you can rest easy as you get another week long respite from my ever increasing vocabulary of vulgarity. Congrats Norvy!

There is one thing that I will lay claim to being wholly responsible for. As I was awaiting my plane to arrive this past Friday there was a slight delay according to the big board outside the gate. By slight delay I mean big fucking red blinking "DELAYED" scolding me from the departures screen. A quick check with the gate attendant relayed the info that the plane was in route via Chicago from its original departure point, Philadelphia. Yep. So I waited. As Max has relayed, what I saw was not unlike an infestation of cockroaches and as those gate doors opened, off they scattered into the depths of our town. I had lost count as about 28 Westbrook jerseys assaulted my senses. To top it off, these were not the quiet type fans, these were the full strength battery chucking assfuckers you all love to hate. I'll spare you the gory detail as most of it included listening to these morons stumble through and mispronounce the most basic words, but did not spare me their pathetic attempts. One particularly larger woman, and by large I mean truck scale using, zoo MRI needing large, was particularly vocal. I kindly requested that she sprain her ankle and get a concussion on the way to the bathroom. I've not felt the daggers from another human's eyeballs so sharp since the "Where's your bag?" incident from 2004. But, that was obviously the cause of the actual Westbrook's concussion during the game, so for that, you are all welcome.

So, what's on tap for the Donks this week? Believe me, I'm far beyond guessing, but I'm pretty sure it involves Shawne Merriman, an assault charge and a civil lawsuit. But I'll be leaving the prognosticating to Max from here on out.

Nice work Bolts, keep it set on kill this week. I need not tell you that this is a relatively important game.

Back tomorrow with the new weekly feature, The Rant.

Good News, Everybody!

TBE is back! After his 90+ yards and 2 TDs against the Eagles on Sunday it is overwhelmingly apparent that our running game is 100% revitalized. Unstoppable.

Look, I looooved that game Sunday. I was confident we would win and win we did. I certainly wasn't thinking about that game a few years ago where we lined up for the game clinching field goal against the Eagles and then they blocked it and ran it back for a TD to win and then we didn't make the playoffs but got to be the best team to ever not do that until last year when the Patriots got to be the best team to ever not do that because we are a bunch of cheating cheaters and they should change the rules so that the Patriots can go to the playoffs every year, but they couldn't get everybody to throw out the division winners in the playoff seeding so they just made it against the rules to tackle the QB so Tom Brady would never miss another game and nearly destroy the very fabric of football, but I digress. Couple of things:

As I've said nearly a million times, I hope LT can be what he once was, but I still have my doubts. He didn't make any nifty LT patented cuts on that 20 yard TD, or most of his other runs for that matter. Our line opened holes on Sunday. And why? Probably because teams are no longer worried about defending against the run so much. They will likely adjust, so let's not get to far ahead of ourselves.

I've also said that I would love it if Norv became a good head coach and I would happily support him if that ever became the case. Now, I can't fault Norv too much for his playcalling in the last few weeks, and I happily give him credit, but what the hell was Ron Rivera doing calling off the dogs with a whole half of football (more, really) to play? 400+ yards throwing for McNabb? Inexcusable, and they need to address that pussyfoot bullshit quick.

All in all, though, I'm stoked to be here even better than I thought we'd be a few weeks ago when I righteously predicted our ascent back to relevancy. Now it's time to twist the knife. Go into Denver and let the smell of blood in the water dictate the game. No letting up until the final whistle blows. It's time to announce our fucking presence with authority, damn it!

And honestly...TBE, please be back. Go Bolts!!!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Real Quick.

Pretty sweet win yesterday for the Bolts. Got a little dicey at the end, but then it's never really easy, is it. I'll get into it more later. I really just wanted to put in my two cents on Belichek going for it on 4th and 2 late in last night's game. That call is the proverbial genius if it works, foolish and egotistical if it fails call. Everybody is laying the wood to Belichek today, and I hate the guy, but please. All I can think of is Denver going for 2 against us last year for the win. If that play fails Shanahan gets murdered in the media. It works and he's a visionary. New England probably picks up 2 yards with about 80% proficiency and Peyton had rallied his team back into possession to take the game, so why not take a shot there? It's not the season-the Pats are going to the playoffs without the win for crying out loud. Personally, I think they got the first down, but the NFL continues to butcher it's own rules when it comes to possession on catches. Fortunately, I hate both teams, so I don't really care-I just like pointing out how much the media and NFL Officials suck.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Quick Predicts.

The Denver-Washington game seems like one of those games where the Skins feel like they need to come out and prove to everyone that they can beat a good team. Since Denver has finally come back down to Earth and isn't actually a good team anywhere except record, I fully expect the Skins to eek this one out at the end. 17-13

The Eagles lost to the Raiders. That should infuse our Bolts with enough confidence to send all these Eagles fans home drunk and miserable. 27-24

Go Bolts!!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

I'm Literally Falling Apart

So, I'm on antibiotics and whatnot for some vague illness, but apparently my cohort didn't feel that was enough. CJ got all sinus-y a few days back and proceeded to spend two days gassing the house with germs in a successful attempt to slide that misery on over to me. Then he skipped town with his chick, but not before texting me one last time from Lindbergh that a consortium of Eagles fans was on it's way in as he was on his way out. My point is, CJ sucks. And the town is being descended upon by a plague from the East. Stay as far away from Plum Crazy in PB as possible, Charger faithful. No good can come of mixing it up with these people.

BTW, anybody know how Jay cutler did last night? I don't have the NFL Network, so I don't know. Did he have a good game? I bet he threw for lots of yards and TDs. Two weeks ago Merrill Hodge said Cutler was 'hands down' the best QB in the NFC, so it must've been a clinic last night. Sorry I missed that; I guess I'll just have to wait until NFL Films immortalizes the Bears 2009 march to the Superbowl.

Go Bolts!!!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Monday, November 09, 2009

Real Quick.

Outstanding win for the Bolts. I never really had a doubt we'd pull that one out. Yeah, right. So here we are, back in the thick of things and it's time to swallow some painful medicine. LT is done as a first option at running back. This team needs a running game now. They need to activate Bennett, like yesterday and get him into the game. Sproles can't do it. Hester certainly can't do it. Bennett's the only other option. If the Bolts can bring themselves to do this, the sky's the limit going forward. It's the final piece of the puzzle. Go Bolts!!!

Update: Let me expand a little bit on this whole Bennett thing, as I have a theory that I'm not sure I have mentioned here. Bennett has basically been inactive since about the time he ran the ball four times for 20 yards against Baltimore. The reason cited for this is all the injuries we've had and roster spots we've needed to fill those injury slots, and while I'm sure this is a factor, it seems strange to me that guys like Hester and Kolbert are active instead. Those guys are valuable special teamers they say, but I'm pretty sure Bennett has seen his share of special teams reps at this point in his career. My personal opinion is that AJ and/or Spanos has told Turner that in light of the amount of money dedicated to LT and Sproles, he must make do with those two players in the running game in order to save face for management. Hester must stay in for the same reason (switch dedicated money with draft picks sacrificed, though). This may sound like conspiracy, but it's not like AJ is above this sort of control and if you think Norv is a "Yes Man" then this is right up that alley. Well, now is the time for Turner to sack up and do the one last thing this team needs to succeed. Do I think Bennett is some sort of savior who's going to come in and put up big time fantasy numbers? No, of course not. But I do think that with the Chargers' current running scheme, he makes more sense. Can you imagine what Rivers and Jackson could do if other teams had to respect the run all day long? I shiver.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Ginormously vaGianty Friday Post.

Off to the East Coast to face the vaGiants. These East Coast trips rarely end well for us. Neither does playing against teams with winning records. Seriously, go back and look at the 14-2 year. The vast majority of those wins came against woeful bitches. But they say good teams beat the teams they're supposed to beat, and so far at least, we've done that. We just need to get to a point where the teams we are supposed to beat are pretty much every other team. We're probably not there yet, but I like us in New York for some reason. Maybe it's because they were kind enough to schedule us for a late afternoon game out there, so our guys aren't going to feel like they just got out of bed at kick-off. Seriously, could you imagine playing a game of football at 7:00 in the morgraa;hox,gf-huh! What? Sorry, I fell asleep on my keyboard just thinking about it. There just isn't that much coffee, greenies and meth in the universe. Maybe I like us because we've spent the last two weeks learning how to win, while the vaGiants have spent the last three weeks remembering that they suck (specifically Eli, who everybody wants to say has slipped because he's got planter's warts or some shit and not because he's gone through wild streaks of inconsistency throughout his entire NFL career). Mostly, though, I like us because Philip Rivers will be out there fighting for our honor. Look, I couldn't give a shit that Eli cried his way out of town (we got the better QB, as far as I'm concerned), but that fact remains that these two franchises are tied together by these two QBs and we Charger fans need this win to keep our sanity at this point, because the other guys already got their ring. Do you think Philip Rivers wants you to go insane? AJ, sure. Norv, undoubtedly. But Rivers? No effing way, man.
Gritty, if not wheelsy.























He's got too much to prove. I mean, did you know that people in New Orleans call Drew Brees, Breesus? That's fucked up.
Way too freaking likeable.



























In light of my quick return to The Cut the other day, I've decided to add a new, possibly recurring featuring called Sign This. As in, you need to get down with whatever I'm talking about here. The inaugurral(?) subject of sign this will be the show Community. You should be watching this show. It's got Chevy Chase and the guy from The Soup on E! and it's pretty gloriously funny.

[Imagine clip here. I would have included one but NBC is stingey with their shit and their video player sucks balls.]

It's got a good premise and doesn't rely on any single camera or real life comedy gimmicks, it just brings the funny. The best part is you can watch it On Demand, which I do because it conflicts with Bones, which isn't as good as it used to be, but still features Emily Deschanel's boobs which I fully expect to see come out during an episode because all the porn I've downloaded over the years has screwed up my logical conclusion meter. I've had some awkward encounters with nurses and lady cops, let's just leave it at that.

Last note, I have started hearing other people that I don't even know using the term vaGiants. I'm pretty sure I made that up. I should've copywritten that shit, like "That's hot" or "Let's get ready to rumble." It's like the time Comedy Central stole the word ginormous from me and now everybody uses it and acts like I'm crazy when I tell them I made that word up and that they should give me a quarter. True fucking story! People will steal your shit, don't ever forget it.

Go Bolts!!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

I Am A Neglectful Bastard

Earlier today I was reminded that I was neglecting my responsibility to entertain my friends because I am obviously some sort of clown and that lead me to ponder over other things I have been neglecting. Sexing up bitches, cleaning my upstairs windows, my Fantasy Cricket team, sexing up anything, changing the filter in my heater, book reading, that creepy ass space video game I've been playing and this stupid blog. Well, obviously there's nothing I can do about any of those other things, but I can half-ass a quick post here for that sweet endorphin rush that comes from a sense of accomplishing the easiest thing on your list of sad, sad goals.

Let's talk about the Chargers, shall we? All of my predictions are now coming true and while I may not be able to call INTs on any given play in a Jesus-like fashion the way my cohort, CJ does, I feel at least Moses-like in my assessment of our once mighty and now at least nifty Bolts. Denver got trounced by Baltimore and I have no doubt the Steelers will hand it to them as well this coming Monday. The Bolts, on a montagesque journey to rediscover the secret to winning, dismantled back-to-back hapless foes. Now when we manage to beat either or both the stumbling vaGiants and the wildly inconsistent Eagles we will be no more than two games behind when we march into the Craptopolis of Denver to exact our revenge. The back end of our schedule is a walk and the division is ours!!! Bank on it.

On a side note, I'd like to do a quick revisit of an old feature here known as The Cut, where I excercise the easiest part of any coaches job on any damn thing I please. This week's Cut? The new version of the old TV series V. Holy shit was that a bad first showing last night. I realize that network television execs demand ridiculously fast pacing and at least two knife fights, car chases, alien invasion rip-offs per episode, but that does not excuse the terrible dialogue going on here. Exposition is a bitch as a plot device, but it's not flippin' rocket science. Awful. This show is chock full of people I've liked in other stuff, but as my partner in crime said at the time you just can't act your way out of bad writing. Maybe this show settles down and starts to let things develop at a more natural pace now that they appear to be where they want to be, but if they don't do something about that ridiculous dialogue this shit is doomed. Maybe they should turn it into a musical. Lyrics in musicals can be as hokey as you want. You know, because everybody's dancing like an idiot anyway so who's going to notice? I will be watching this show as though it is supposed to be a comedy until further notice.

Tune in again as there is a good chance (33%-Stellar in baseball!) that I'll break down my thoughts on Eli coming to town and gettin' what's comin' to 'im. Go Bolts!!!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Acee Continues To Insult Us.

Sunday's game on local TV

By Kevin Acee
October 30, 2009, 1:15 p.m.

The semi-weekly game that we began playing last year -- wait for the blackout to be lifted -- has come and gone again.

The Chargers sold enough tickets to avert a blackout of Sunday's game.

It will be shown locally on Channel 8 and in the Los Angeles area on Channel 2.

Since there are about 2,000 tickets left for the Philadelphia game and even more for Kansas City, Cincinnati and Washington, this will likely happen every week.

The Chargers have "sold out" 43 straight regular-season home games.



Blackout lifted and Acee throws the quotes around [sold out] presumably as a jab at the fans for not buying up all the tickets sooner and the likelihood that the local TV affiliate snatched up the last of the tickets. What the heck does Acee care how the games end up "sold out?" It's the players! It's the fans! It's certainly not the ownership, coaching or management. This guy is on the payroll in some way, shape or form. Or he's looking for a network gig. Or both. Broken record, this cocksucker. Go Bolts!!!

South Park Rules.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Over/Under

On crying women in Green Bay Favre jerseys when Brittfar goes back to Lambeau on Sunday: 6

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Learning To Fly?

What can I say? I'm down with the cheesy headlines during a cheesy season.

That red zone offense is still attrocious. I hate seeing LT get stuffed on so many shots within the 5. I know that the offensive philosophy there is to show the world that he's still got it, but I'm afraid the message may have been lost. And you can certainly put some of that on the O-line and you can say the other team knew what was coming, but you can't tell me the old LT wouldn't have found a way. The whole thing makes me feel like I'm in a loveless marriage with Nate Kaeding. I can't stand to even look at his face anymore.

But the good news is, we pretty easily handled a team we should have pretty easily handled. That's the first step. Let's do it to Oakland now and really get our chi going before we hit a tough stretch in the middle. I still like our chances. Go Bolts!!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

So, Here's The Thing.

I actually think we're going to be fine. I mean, we're probably not going to win the division, but it's not like there are two teams out there that have stood out as wildcards. We're half a game out of that race, with KC and Oakland coming up. And the real bottom line here is that we looked pretty good in the first half for the first time all year. That coupled with the fact that we know we can be good in the second half should give us all a little hope. I seriously doubt we'll be giving up 14 special teams points a week. That was the first time this season I can recall having ANY real special teams problems, so let's just call that an aberration for now.

There are problems, of course. We desperately need to do a better job of protecting the QB; Rivers has been harassed all year. And the red zone offense is horseshit. I've seen enough Nate Kaeding inside the 20 to last a lifetime at this point. And I really can't condone calling off the dogs in the second half. The defense took a very passive approach towards the end of the game, and that's on the coaches again. If you're going to get burned anyway, you might as well get burned while taking it to the other team a bit. That's been the D's problem for the last two and half years; They play it too safe most of the time.

The good news is, Tomlinson looked productive. Not great, but productive. And hungry. Our receivers are still some of the best around; I honestly believe that. The secondary was not terribly embarassing (though I still question the wisdom of running out such a young safety tandem, and I worry that Eric Weddle is Khalil Greene with an attitude). We know our QB is a gamer, and if I hear anybody crying over Drew Brees I will punch your ass. If the D ever takes the gloves off for real, we have the dogs to run...theoretically. And aside from last night's freaky outcome, our special teamers tend to hold up nicely. Let's not forget our true MVP, Mike Scifres.

There's a lot of season left an in the aftermath of last night's emotional loss and it's easy to lose what little faith we had left, but I think that when the dust from that game settles in your mind, you might actually see some of the promise I see that wasn't there before. I still hate Norv Turner, AJ Smith and Ron Rivera, and a part of me believes the team would be better off collapsing at this point and getting them run out on a rail, but I can't really root against the blue and gold. I still think there is some hope here. I still think there is a fight to be fought. Go Bolts.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Oh Aspirations...


I wish I could say that this post has all kinds of thought and thoroughly researched analysis behind the words with which it is composed. There is none. What this is amounts to pure emotional, reactionary and probably poorly executed grammar.

So what happened you ask? You were either there or you watched. You watched yet another mark tallied in the loss column for this squad. However, this one, albeit the same result with some tendencies that could be described as typical was in fact different. This one had the feeling of a team that was completely outmatched and the result was one that should have been expected.

One can point to the fact that we were in the game, dare I say even dominating the first half, should one ignore the fact that the special teams completely blew all semblance of assignments much like a Tijuana hooker during fleet week. One can also completely ignore the fact that our red zone woes continued with the continuing insistence of Norv to shock the world by running Darren Sproles up the middle on third down from inside the five yard line. An obviously perturbed LTD stomped away from the crowd on the sideline disgruntled to some degree, and while he did so, all I could think was, perhaps if you weren't injured all the time, and consistently taking yourself out of the game, those carries, or opportunities might be yours. I was then disappointed in myself for chastising the best running back our franchise has ever known. It is most certainly not his fault.

Despite the poor play of the special teams, yeah, the ones that gave up a 70+ yard punt return and a 90+ yard kickoff return (unfortunately predicted by yours truly, my bad) there was one constant that completely irked me to no end. It wasn't the three man rush that consistently allowed Kyle Orton to dismantle our obviously flawed defense, but the ever present lack of urgency or confidence in the play calling. The offensive management is a complete disaster. It appears that there is a game plan, from which the coordinator deviates rarely, that is pure scripted nonsense. The "plan" (very recklessly throwing that word around) is unsound, and ineffective. Good coordinators, hell, serviceable coordinators make adjustments during the course of the game in order to capitalize on the tendencies of the defense. Our coordinator's system, banging his head against the wall until a hole through it is punched. Unfortunately, rarely does that hole materialize, and all we are left with is a giant headache. Sorry to say that the only consistencies by this squad are of the negative variety.

I'm not pinning this loss wholly on the coaches. Yes, they are still fuckwits who make the same mistakes weekly, that opposing teams pinpoint on tape and then exploit on our faces all over national television. Nope, I also realized that our personnel is significantly suspect. The player talent is not there. This "deep" team, this team that has been repeatedly defined as having the "most talent" is a total fucking lie. Adjustments and scheming be damned. Sometimes bad football is played by sub fucking par players. Save your injury talk, this team was billed as deep. Save your poor scheming talk, this team is both mentally and physically deficient.

This used to be fun. Watching and writing about this team used to be a joy. Even in the less than stellar times, there were always a few bad puns or unfunny rape jokes to bring the smile to the faces. Now it's about game recaps of a badly coached team playing badly executed games. Many will tell you this team is underachieving, which is like saying Jesus' lawyer underachieved.

Can the squad pull yet another year long miracle from their bowels? I would think not. The division we won in August is all but lost, so we are left with what will be a significant challenge for the wild card playoff entry, an entry that we have already dropped tiebreaker games to two other participants. So, buckle up optimists, it's going to be a bastard fuck all ride for the next eleven games.

MNFF!!!

Monday Night Fucking Football, bitches! If you've seen me lately, you've seen a lot of doom and gloom, but it's time to put it away and focus at the game at hand. Here are four things I want to see tonight.

1) Manumaleuna lined up at fullback. It's time to give the O-line some help blowing open some lanes for this running game. I know our idiot coach loves to run as many receivers as he has out there on every play, but it's time to balance out this offense and get it going early; You know, before everybody drops back into prevent and allows us to pad the stats in a valiant comeback that falls short.

2) Blitzes. Run blitzes, zone blitzes whatever. Let's get to the QB before he gets a chance to exploit our secondary. We're out there with one less veteran in the secondary, for better or for worse, let's give those guys some help. I'm looking at you, Ron Rivera!!!

3) A little bit of good ole fashioned trickery. When was the last time we ran a halfback option? Why did we stop doing that? If we establish any kind of run whatsoever, I want a God damn flea flicker! BTW, I will take cash bets that we go deep on the first play from scrimmage. That's as crazy as it gets with Norv.

4) Boobs. I would like to see some boobs. Pretty much all the time boobs are a good idea.

This game is the season, do not fool yourself! Let's get this thing done! Go Bolts!!!

Update: Let em add one more thing that I forgot to the list of things I want to see tonight:

5) Fineable hits! Let's tear some fucking heads off early and make 'em think about it!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Wait, What?

I've long since been a critic of one local beat writer, the Mr. Nick Canepa. Today is probably the most egregious display of his excuse pandering on behalf of the inappropriately moniker-ed "Godfather". As much as I hate to do it, and really, I'm truly fucking beginning to hate having to break this shit down repeatedly to prove how silly these people are, this is fucking atrocious. I'll pull the most obvious fucking fabrications for your perusal...

First, as always, the title...

Chargers' real problems aren't Norv or A.J.

Ah, yes. Nick must have gotten his weekly dressing down from the Godfather sometime late Monday afternoon. And off we go...

The Chargers, now expected by torch-toting angry villagers to be the Packers of the '60s, the Steelers of the '70s, the 49ers of the '80s, the Cowboys of the '90s and the Patriots of the 2000s, are sitting in a pot of water in this town, and it isn't lukewarm. Some anger is justified, but most of it is founded on emotion and the hatchet-thinking that every defeat calls for a Spanish Inquisition.

This is the same man that wrote earlier this season that he was not afraid to declare the Chargers his Super Bowl favorite this season. Conveniently, his archives are not the easiest to navigate to pull that gem for your enjoyment. Believe me it exists, when I find it, you will all be notified via skywriting. Far be it from the fans to believe and want what has been repeatedly been reported about this team, by you Mr. Canepa. Now we're torch toting angry villagers demanding Super Bowls and cures for cancer.

The coach

Norv Turner could go unbeaten, win the Super Bowl, pull people out of burning buildings and find a cure for cancer and the villagers still would drag out the guillotine. I wonder if he can win here – even if he wins. Like Marty Schottenheimer, Norv may not be popular until fans can't stand his replacement.

Hi, rhetoric? Meet hyperbole. I like to think that is was public outcry that gave A.J., excuse me, The Godfather, the shelter from the storm he needed to fire a largely successful coach with which he had very public feuds. What A.J. wanted and what Marty certainly was not, was a captain for his custom built Super Bowl ship that Marty continually slammed into the rocks like a drunken sailor. A.J., installing his puppet yes man fully expected that nothing would change. Low and behold, Norv's well deserved reputation for being a football fucking monkey team destructor has fully been realized. A self fulfilling prophecy if you will when your record as a head coach is fucking awful and continues to be so.

Turner isn't perfect, but look around. Most of Norv's contemporaries better be able to swim if they plan to walk on water. He's 2-2, folks. It's October. I got an email the other day saying Bill Callahan should be the next Chargers coach. Sigh. That's what I'm up against.

I love the ability of this guy to gloss over the two and two record as if it's no big deal. It's October! Pay no mind that the undefeated division leader is coming to town at 5-0. The email quote is quite precious to me. Nick, I get tons of fucking stupid emails every day. The difference is, I don't use them to support and invalid point when they are fucking inexplicably fucking stupid. Moving on...

But, remember what it was like before he took over. I know it isn't easy, but don't write me saying the late John Butler built this team. It's Smith's club, almost 100 percent. His players have won three straight division titles, four of the last five. So he's a tough guy. So he has an ego. You can't be good at what you do if you think you stink.

I wonder what kind of knee pads Nick uses when he drops to his knees each Monday afternoon for The Godfather's daily fellating. You're right, this is Smith's club, he needs to take some fucking responsibility for this shitshow. Three straight division titles are grand, particularly when the division was about as competitive as the 3rd grade Hopscotch Championships. Our 2008 Division Title came courtesy of Denver's historic choke job. Seeing how most of these writers up to and including you Mr. Canepa, not only had us penciled in for the division but the Super Bowl, you can fuck yourself if you think I'm buying this A.J. apologist thing you are working on here.

It's not the coaches fault they can't run the ball? Ummm, yeah, to some degree it fucking is. When you've run the ball through four games for 215 yards and 12 first downs you've got a fucking philosophy problem. When you run the ball off tackle on first down for the entirety of the first half of each game, you don't fool anyone. When you choose to run it up the middle off tackle on fourth down in a game winning situation against Baltimore and you fail, it's certainly on the fucking coaches. When the murderer from said Baltimore team posing as a linebacker vocalizes that they saw that play all game and on fucking tape in the week leading up to the game, you've got a fucking coaching problem. When you run the ball for fucking 16 yards against the Steelers, you've got a fucking coaching problem. I say that all adds up to some fucking coaching issues Nick. Coaching issues that can't be ignored. Don't be so fucking myopic.

Sweet fucking Christ, I thought that would make me feel better. But I assure you it did not. Just remember how the media, namely the Nick Canepa's and the A.J. Smith's of the world view the fans of this squad. It's all right there in the article. We are hayseed fuckwits in their eyes and have no business criticizing the masterpiece that has been assembled here. So shut your fucking mouths you football ignorant asshole and worship at the altar of what is football in San Diego.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Bad News, Ladies!

Allow me to paraphrase Colin Cowherd on the radio this morning: If you don't think coaching matters in the NFL take a look at the Chargers of San Diego and take a look at the Broncos of Denver. Now, Cowherd is a nearly insufferable blowhard, but I think we can all agree that he hit the nail on the head there.

Denver won. Against the Patriots. Who may not be as good as they've been recently, but are still pretty good. Now Denver is 5-0, and I hate to say it, but they have a solid shot at 6-0. I guess the San Diego Padres Management Model of being the least terrible team in a division of God awful teams might not work for the Chargers this year. But hey, look at the way the Pads adapted when it stopped working for them. Oh, right. Abandon ship! No one will blame you, honest. I'm ordering my Vikings Favre jersey as we speak.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Friday, October 09, 2009

Something.

I don't really have anything to say. I'm still pretty mad in regards to the Chargers. It's the bye, so it will be difficult for them to further anger me (knocks on wood furiously until knuckles bleed). Anyway, if you want to read something, go check out Acee's in depth article about the 10 minute players only meeting the Chargers had before their three day weekend. 10 minutes? That should do it. Stupid football team.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED!!!

Kevin Acee, largely of the A.J. Smith fellatio contingency has done it again. Today's article is an awesome display of what a short leash the Godfather keeps his ball gag wearing gimps at the end of. In what is a solid display of taking that hard line stance and softening the public outcry against said Godfather, Mr. Acee's skills are on display.

A couple of passages for your review, first, the title of said article:

Defense on notice: Jobs are on the line
Coordinator Ron Rivera challenges his squad after ragged performance in Pittsburgh


Then, the first passage:

"Whether Chargers defensive coordinator Ron Rivera explicitly said so or not, there is a feeling within the defense that jobs are up for grabs."

You hear me? JOBS are on the line! JOBS I tell you! I totally just made that jobs are on the line thing up! Of course, you know, they're not. Just maybe jobs are on the line. I'm not saying they are but they might be so go sleep on that you lazy defenders!

Then Kevin tries to slip this one past me:

"Chargers General Manager A.J. Smith would not comment Wednesday, but he is spending time on the phone with other general managers. Smith has a history of adding high-profile help where his team needs it at the deadline."

Really? He has that reputation and history? What high profile help have we added at the trade deadline? Max, can you help me here? I thought our whole model was based on mimicking Lord Belichick's low profile, inexpensive easy to replace team player mold. Not bringing in the high profile me first type difference maker. Color me confused.

And, as I sit here, ESPN is reporting that we are now exploring dealing Merriman as he only has one year left on his deal and he is a terrible malcontent and an obviously declining player. Fuck me running with awesome.

When interviewed at the bank yesterday in line to cash his paycheck Shaun Phillips had this to say:

“Each of us has to worry about ourselves, We can't worry about the next man.”

Shaun, stop endorsing that check for a moment and have a listen. If you perhaps didn't worry about the next man, but actually communicated with that man next to you on the field, perhaps you all wouldn't be running around stepping on your dicks while Pittsburgh running backs dominate your face. Just a thought...geez, you'd think this guy would get it figured out at some point. But hey, he's not a declining player yet so his job is totally secure. Unless Kevin Acee implies via made up quotes that Ron Rivera sent him that message via mental telepathy that it might be in jeopardy without actually saying it.

Thanks Mr. Bye Week for allowing us to continue the suck for two prolonged weeks. And by thanks I mean fuck you... I can't wait to be a Vikings fan.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

You Know It's Bad...

...when Little Nicky Canepa has me nodding my head in vigorous agreement. Here's Canepa's first "quarterly" report on the Chargers and even AJ isn't making excuses. In fact, you know AJ's pissed because he let Nicky go to print with this. That's some real fire and brimstone shit, and he even called out Ron Rivera's sissy ass defensive playcalling, which I love Love LOVE! That guy got way too much credit for simply yelling at his players Sunday night. How about an adjustment or two to go along with all that machismo, Ron? I'm starting to think the Defensive Coordinator's office is haunted by the Ghosts of Failures Past.

"Why Johnny Ringo, you look like someone just walked over your grave."

Seriously, has any fanbase ever before been heard to say, "We've got to figure out a way to get Wade Phillips back in here."?

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

This Guy Says It All...

...and more. Get out of my brain, Officer Parkman from the stupidest show on TV! This Jay Paris character obviously does not work for the UT, and I will be following his work going forward.

Monday, October 05, 2009

I Don't Really Have Anything To Say...

...but this guy says it all. It'll be interesting to see what the super fans at my work have to say. Maybe if it's good I'll post some of it. I didn't watch the second half last night so I didn't see the "spirited comeback" we attempted, but I was pleasantly surprised to see that Gates got me 24 fantasy points and gave me a pretty good shot at winning my game this week. So...I got that going for me.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Scouting Report...

Since I've done no real scouting for what we'll affectionately call "Steeler Week", I'll merely be making one up. And seeing as how the local rag just wants to suck start the iron fires at the vacant dilapidated steel mills doesn't mean I want to.

Injury Report


In this breaking news you'll only get here, Jamal Williams had a sandwich today. He's still out for the season.

Tomlinson isn't planning on playing and Norvy won't tell us whether he's planning on playing the not planning on playing maybe playing oft injured running back. Word is he's walking without a limp. Have you seen him walk? How do you know then?

Merriman is still hampered by a "strained groin" that limited him to two snaps on Sunday against Miami. He says he's feeling a lot better than last week. I've been told on good authority that "strained groin" is code for the receptionist at Planned Parenthood to write the "Gonorrhea" in the symptoms box of the anonymous form. The Tequila broad did get her vengeance after all.

Meanwhile, there has been a new development in the status of the running game. Norv has updated the running game to "Wounded Giraffe". Which I can only see as a positive.

And finally, we only need to sell 1,550 seats by the Thursday evening 5 p.m. deadline to avoid the blackout this week.

Monday, September 28, 2009

What A Pleasant Surprise.

Now we've beaten two horrible teams and hung in there with one possibly really good team. So, I don't know what that means, feel free to help me out.

Rivers continues to impress, and that should keep us in games all year. Everything else looked better than I could have hoped for yesterday. My optimism level has been raised to fuscia.

Will the Dolphins will make history again by having the worst collapse after having the greatest rise the year before? I don't know for sure, but I can say with confidence that, yes, that is totally going to happen.

The Steelers are going to be pissed next week and we never beat them at home. Thanks, Cincy. My optimism level has now dropped to mauve.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Actual Conversations I've had...

This may or may not be a new bit around here, but lately I've exchanged emails and words with many a folk about the footballing squad and heard quite the incredible analysis of our team. In no way should these conversations not be shared with the masses, yep, all six of our readers. I hope you enjoy.

The first of the installment happened last night with none other than this site's other wordsmith, Max Colossus.

Me: So we need to have a serious talk.

Max: What about?

Me: You know. A little thing like tomorrrow's game.

Max: What about it?

Me: Well, are we going to win?

Max: Uh, hell fucking no. No. No. We're not going to win.

Me: (Uncontrollably lauging) Why not? (Tears and snot running down my face)

Max: Well, first, Miami's PISSED! The did everything to win that game last week, controlling the ball for 46 minutes and running it for like 1000 yards. We're fucked. They're PISSED!!!!


Now, in that statement there isn't much I can disagree with. Except the fact that I think we're PISSED too. I think that our PISSED totally fucking dominates their PISSED. That and they showed this tremendous gaplike vagina defense, much like ourselves, that allowed Pey Pey to exploit their secondary to the degree that 14 minutes of offensive possession was more than enough to rape the Dolphins. And you know how dolphins love the rape. So, as long as Ol' Norvy doesn't go out and step on his dick again, Philip The Laserfaced should double his season high 436 yards passing from last week. That, and we've never won time of possession as a stat cause we fry time outs like convicts, and we are fairly awful at the third down play calling in all but the last two minutes of each half, last week notwithstanding. That being said, this is me being not concerned about the Miami Dolphins.

Bolts 37 Dolphins 36. Ya heard?

Friday, September 25, 2009

Acee Doesn't Ask, Doesn't Want To Be Told

Here's today's depthless article on the Chargers running game or something, I can't really tell what the fuck the point is, but I love this part, where Discredit to the Profession of Coaching Norvelle Turner addresses the Michael Bennett issue:

After Bennett carried just four times to Sproles' 10 in Sunday's loss to Baltimore, Turner said he would have liked to use Bennett more. But it's not because he thinks he has to.

When Acee goes on to ask Turner why he didn't use Bennett more as he says he would have liked to, Turner says-oh wait, Turner said nothing. Because he wasn't asked. Apparently, Acee was cool with that completely vague and noncommital statement. So let me help:

Norv, why didn't Bennet get more carries on Sunday?

Norv: Uh, well, uh, because..uh...

He was hit by a bus at the half.
Shawne Merriman raped him in an attempt to get his mojo back.
I have a vagina.
We try to have one talented, underutilized back every year, in case you haven't been paying attention.
What's that over there?!
People in England only have one spoon.
AJ told me not to use him.
He developed Super Aids.
Mongoose.
We're not as good as you all thought we were.

Fair enough Norv, fair enough. Feel free to share your own possible reasons in the comments.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Not So Fast Tim...

Oh how the waffling begins. My problem with this article lies with the basis that you can't assume "what if" scenarios would have been successful. All of us "amateur analysts" that are still at threat level orange about the 3rd down play before halftime are just silly uneducated "amateurs" for thinking that we may have scored a touchdown in that situation. Obviously, for Norv, he believed that a sack in that situation was far more likely to occur (conveniently a "what if" scenario), without the use of statistics or fucking science for that matter, so he kicked a meaningless field goal. On third down. With ten seconds to go. From the fucking six yard line. SHITFUCKASS!!!

Now, there is no matter of fact way to prove that we would have scored a touchdown in that situation with any level of certainty. Conversely, there is no statistical evidence, or "what if" scenario the other way that it was far more likely Rivers would have been sacked on the play. The crux of the situation, and why it was such a fucktastic disaster was the coach, freely dropping his pants, placing a death grip on his ankles bent over facing Harbaugh on the opposite sidelines and screamed, "YOU WIN MASTER, TAKE ME AS YOU MAY AND PREFERABLY FORGO THE LUBRICANT AS YOU ASS PLUNDER MY NETHERREGIONS!".

The message sent was twofold, A) We can't beat you supreme being Baltimore Ravens, and B) Chargers, we're going to the locker room losing by three less points cause I know you don't have the testicular fortitude to get into the end zone. That is a very valuable lesson to send the squad there Coach. And by coach I mean porcupine fucker.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

It's Not Just Norv...

...It's you and me and the players and the media too. Norv Turner is already being crucified for the following statement and I'm not above piling on:

“I don’t think right now we’re as good as the people who cover us think we are or expect us to be,” Turner said Monday. “I don’t think we’re as good as our fans want us to be.”

So, there you have it. You expected too much. The media believed in the team AJ and Norv had put together and sold that Koolaid to the rest of us. We went 14-2 with all our core young players locked up just a few short years ago, but despite Norv's best efforts the team was somehow on a downswing and this is where we are now. Have you ever heard the expression, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it?" Norv hasn't.

Way to try and drag the fans and the organization down with you, you worthless excuse for a football coach. And what do you suppose AJ's gonna say when he sees that you try to load up on the local media. Don't you know AJ runs the local media? God, you really are fucking retarded! Hopefully, this will finally get you run you cock slobbering gimp!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Glorious.

Coach rankings for week 2, according to the fans.

This Is Why...

This was posted by a guy I work with regarding yesterday's game, and it is totally why nobody respects Chargers fans:

I think Norv is taking way too much hate for this loss....Maybe I didn't like that last call on the 4th down (but I ain't having an I hate Norv meltdown over it)...but kicking the FG at the end of the first half I got no issue with.

Ravens are tough and we did some amazing things against them offensively. Our redzone issues not scoring TD's I feel are too be expected against a good D like the Ravens with the personnel we currently have healthy...part of the reason you kick that FG on third down.

And hey...in the AFC we just have to catch the Broncos, Ravens, and Jets (maybe the Colts) the only 2-0 teams in the conference.


If you are defending Norv Turner at this point in his career as a head coach, then you have an NFL I.Q. of, I don't know, 4 year old girl? And if you don't have a problem with that field goal, you deserve a punch in the groin. CJ, feel free to color that up a bit in the comments.

One More Quick Question?

Michael Bennett averaged 4.8 YPC on the 4 carries they gave him. 4. Sproles carried 10 times for an average of 2.6. Not an every down back. An explosive playmaker to be sure, but if you want to establish the running game, you might want to give your actual RB more than 4 carries.

Good News, Bad News

Let's start with the bad news. Let's get that out of the way:


Our coach, who was not good to begin with, is regressing. that's the only way to put it. His inability to make solid decisions in the clutch is just too much for our team to overcome. Now, people like Kevin Acee-and I know he'll do this- can say that Norv deserves credit for having us in a game like that after suffering a plethora of big injuries in the opener. But that's just the problem; If you're in a game like that, against a good team, and you've lost your starting RB and your Pro bowl NT, you have to win that game. You can't pussyfoot around with "safe points" at the end of the first half. Some message to send to your guys, Norv. "I'd just feel more comfortable if I didn't give you guys a chance to screw up here. Field goal unit!" You can't make assinine calls to end the game either. We must have two dozen plays with a better chance of picking up two yards there! Our QB threw for, like a thousand yards yesterday, why would you take the game out of his hands there? Norv apologists are going to say that nobody had a problem with that play last week when it got us the go ahead TD against the Raiders. Too bad that if it hadn't worked there last week we could have tried something else on the next down. Too bad the Ravens apparently watch tape. A beat up team can't lose that game at home and expect to be much of a threat to anybody going forward.

The good news:

After that heart breaker, you can be sure that you won't get to watch next week's home game unless you actually go to the game. And why would you do that?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

It's Fire Season...

I just witnessed our coach kick a field goal on third down with ten seconds left on the clock from the six yard line. That is the kind of move that got Kevin Gilbride fired. Kevin Gilbride was better than Norv Turner. Yep. I said it. I've never seen ridiculousness like that and although I have an extensive vocabulary of swear words, I don't have one that encapsulates my current feeling. Aids cunt almost works...

Friday, September 18, 2009

No Blackout, No LT

I went ahead and snatched up the remaining tix so the blackout is no go. Next up, Miami on the 27th. 4,000 seats available. That's getting a bit rich for my blood. We better win this week.

LT has been scratched from the line-up against the Ravens on Sunday as a precautionary measure, and AJ Smith is probably steaming right now. You have no idea how badly he wanted to run LT out of town a hold on to Turner a couple of years back, but this town would have crucified him if he had done it. Now those same fans are wildly pointing their fingers at Turner's performance in Atlanta and saying they "had a feeling" all along. These are the same fans who claim they don't get upset about questionable calls when the league claims the refs interpreted the rule correctly...even when they didn't. Every year I understand more why people from out of town hate Chargers fans.

DE-FENCE (I-I-I-I <--- Fence symbol here)...

I only have one problem with this reactionary column interview schpiel with Ron Rivera. Well two, but I won't be so nitpicky. He totally justifies our lack of pressure on the Raiders Faterback, and blithely compliments our coverage schemes, and really high coat glosses over the "coverage" that allowed for a touchdown on a late fourth quarter fourth and forever desperation touchdown play. As well as the touchdown/non touchdown play (hey, no touchdown equals good coverage). I wish he'd mention the tight end numbers that Zach Miller put up, obviously that wasn't a coverage issue.

Well that About Seals the Super Bowl...

ESP anyone?

Fucking mind readers on this team...

Thursday, September 17, 2009

No Blackout!!!...Yet.

24 hour extension to sell those last 1,100 tix. Doesn't seem like much, huh? That's only, like $100,000 worth of tix. I got this round, who wants to pick it up next time?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

What's Old is New...

It was finally here! Opening day! Yay!!! I'd survived the offseason yet again without sustaining any long term damage from the self induced coma that comes with a severe lack of footballing. I even sprung for a new t-shirt to drape over my sorry carcass for this 2009 Opening Day.

I read and read and read the experts during the lead up to this glorious day. We're going to the Super Bowl! We're gonna win the Super Bowl! We've got Shawne Merriman back and who cares if he chokes marginally attractive D-List reality television "starz" when everyone is drunk threesoming a week before the season opener. WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL! Nick Canepa said so!!!

Here we are a day later, and you know what I saw? I didn't see any super bowl contender, that's for certain. The team looked slightly more energetic than Patrick Swayze, but the most glaring observation I can make is that nothing had changed. Not to beat a dead horse, but the paid columnists in this town did everything short of anointing this team champs before training camp broke. Not going to get off to a slow start this year, a rejuvenated running back in L.T.D. playing with a serious chip on his shoulder. A whole new attitude. Blah, blah, blah, what a bunch of horseshit.

Nothing had changed. Not a damned thing. Save maybe the run defense that in the first half looked far worse than it did last year. There was truly a lack of leadership, as was prevalent all of the last season as well. A lack of execution, with turnovers and penalties occurring with far more frequency than they should. And again, a lack of creativity, a lack of desire, another fucking bland vanilla incarnation of a Norv Turner coached football team. Hurray! I won't even go into the fucking waiting room at the infirmary right now either. We're not built to sustain injuries despite how many times the Godfather sold us on this team's depth.

So I continue to beat the same dead Alpo chuck found behind the Del Mar Turf Club. After one viewing of this squad, it's a bad clone of last year's 8-8 shiny turd. And no matter how much you polish those turds, they still stink like shit. Color me unimpressed and a bit disappointed. I'm glad I have that inner skeptic in me that didn't recognize the Super Bowl quality of this squad thus tempering my expectations. I know, it's only week one, and we're rusty and whatever the fuck else kind of excuse you want to use to make yourself feel like this is again our year. I'm going to require a bit more proof than blind fucking optimism yet one more time. I'd rather go outside and fucking throw rocks at my treasured wasps nest than pretend like that was any fucking fun at all.


And you know what else? No fucking hot cheerleader pictures until this team acts like they deserve them. Instead, a girl that I think they deserve...

A Win Is A Win?

How confident is everybody feeling this morning? I really hope you can chaulk that game up to first game, National stage, on the road jitters. And I really hope those line injuries aren't nearly as bad as they looked, because the next three teams we face are even more physical than the Raiders and they are unlikely to make the same mistakes on offense the Raiders made to keep us alive last night. On that note, if any of you were happy with that overturned Raider TD, I hope you never once made a disparaging remark about Ed Hochuli. That was a TD, plain and simple. The Patriots won their Monday Night opener on a nearly identical kind of catch by Ben Watson and it took review officials about 10 seconds to uphold the call. We shouldn't have needed that call to win that game.

The pass rush is still missing. In case you didn't see that. Just pointing it out. I will give slight praise to the D for clamping down on the run for the most part in the second half, which I believe is the only thing that ultimately saved us.

I was a little surprised that our superstar receiving core was so thoroughly handled by man coverage last night, too. Norv loves to force the offense through the receivers as much as possible, but it wasn't until Rivers rediscovered Gates late in the game that we were able to efficiently move the chains. I imagine Gates was open in that coverage a lot more often than that. But Jackson will be a top five receiver this year. Norv Turner said so.

On the radio this morning it was reported that LT sprained his ankle last night and that is why he was on the sideline last night for much of the second half. But I'm sure he'll bounce right back and put up another record season like you all promised me he would. I can't wait. In the meantime, Sproles continues to be a little spark plug but he can not carry the ball a full load if we are going to make any noise this year. He just can't.

Ugly, ugly win against a team that I guarantee you is not nearly as good as they looked last night. But a win is a win, I guess, and there's no reason to slit our wrists so early in the season. Go Bolts...

Monday, September 14, 2009

And There You Go.

Football is back for real. None of this Thursday night primer bullshit, that there was a full slate of games. And what games they were. Let's take a look:

Kyle Orton...what can you say about Kyle Orton other than he's a guy who-with some help from God...real God and not som e crazy bearded Nordic specialist God-gets things done. Wow. Like it or not, the Donks are on pace for a perfect season.

Jake DelHomme. Really? Jake DelHomme is Mark Brunell. Better go get a back-up job somewhere Jake, so you can start rebuilding your credibility.

Drew Brees hates his running backs. So, if Philip Rivers sucked how many times a week do you think that AJ would call Drew Brees' cell phone and not say anything just to hear his voice?

At the end of the day it's a win, but you gotta wonder about Baltimore. But man, can the eyebrow throw the ball. And you gotta wonder if Matt Cassell is really the best QB in KC.

Kurt Warner looked like an old man.

Brett Favre deploys a mean hand off to the gut. Might he really be ready to take a secondary offensive role. Cleveland...sucks. I mean, really sucks.

I hope you want to hear a lot about Donovan McNabb and Mike Vick this week. Cause you're gonna.

And last but certainly not least, Jay Cutler. If the last 3 minutes of that game hadn't been a Fantasy Football nut punch for me, I think it would have been my favorite of all. 4 picks. Muy fantastico! But don't worry Jay, Peter King still has the Bears ranked 6th. Seriously. Sorry, though, you're not on his MVP watch. Yet.

And now for tonight. As one who believes Shawne Meeriman probably did choke that annoying little reality ho, I say fine as long as he was practicing for this game. Just kidding, it's never okay to choke a bitch. Unless she's some crazy evil mutant henchwoman with like metal claws and whatnot. In that case, choke away. Let's hope the Bolts do not 'choke away' tonight. Go Bolts!!!

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

God Dammit.

Dear Shawne,

With all due respect, what the fuck is the matter with you? Tila Tequila? Really? This story disturbs me on such a level I'm not sure I can accuratley portray my disappointment in words. Does she have magic between her legs or something man? You are a professional football player, you'd think that with all the Tom Brady envy going on around the league, that you guys would all be copycat kitten slayers and seek out even the ugliest supermodels, instead of this attention sucking troll. Please get it together Mr. Merriman, cause this article makes it sound like you are well on your way to arrest...You know what that means don't you? It means the Godfather turns you into a 3rd round pick. I hope she was worth it.

Sincerely,

CJ

A Sea of Bad Puns...

I've torched and put T.J. Simers on blast around these parts at times in the past. So why should today be any different. I'm sometimes astounded as to how some of these people keep jobs. Anyone, and I mean anyone up to and including myself can make bad puns about sports current events and call it a column while waiting for my direct deposit to go through...go ahead and read the drivel here...

Link so ungloriously provided by these guys.

Friday, September 04, 2009

And that's a Sweet How Do You Do...

So, Kommisar Goodell, to borrow the phrase from these guys is encouraging the Chargers Brass to consider a remodel of the old Murph. Fabiani, a LAWYER, says not feasible, hasn't been feasible and won't be feasilbe. As always, the alternate proposal is to rebuild on the current Mission Valley site. This is also met with trepidation by the LAWYER, stating that "that won't allow for development.". And so, there's the rub. They don't just want a new stadium to equalize the competitive imbalance, they want development like John Moores got prior to kamikazi bombing the team into the newly paved ground, but hey, with new vacant high rise condos no one can afford hurray!!! Read the whole crapshot here.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Tugging the Heart Strings of a Dictator...

I think this sums up my feelings about the blackout situation. Word on the street is 10-12 cities will be facing blackouts this year. Not quite sure if you've heard, this is sort of hush hush information, but the economy has hit a bit of a rough spot as of late. I know. Hard to believe.

The last time I can remember a blackout was a Titans game I spent the better part of a Sunday afternoon watching the ticker on the bottom of the screen of another game I cared little if anything about. Do I think Goodell is going to relax the rules? Shit and no. But, maybe more of these types of articles will get the ball rolling and perhaps force his hand a little. Come on Media!!! Make yourself not only relevant but useful again!!!

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Laughter is the Best Medicine...

Whoever said that obviously never had any percocet and budweiser. I kid. Anyway, in the interest of fairness we present the other side of the coin. Don't get used to it shitpony fans...

And seriously, read the comments, some are not only funny but true!!!!! Of course, they are made by total fuckfaces but still...

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Chargers vs. Giants?

Not sure if you guys saw this info.

I don't really believe in Jinxes, so I'm ok with it. I just hope that that thought process doesn't sink in too much with the players. Seems like they are all chanting the "one game at a time" mantra, along with the "we have to get off to a fast start" but hopefully they believe it and keep their blinders on.

Nice to get some respect though, I guess! And yes, it would be a fun matchup.

Monday, August 31, 2009

L.T. is old, Get it?

I've read sillier things than this article, but pointing out the obvious can only take you so far. Read the piece and decide for yourself.

Just in case you feel like forgoing the link, I'll sum up the article thusly (and yes I'm using fancypants words like "thusly" to look and sound infinitely smarter than I am):

* L.T. is old, 30 in fact
* L.T. is mad and has Mr. Chip on his shoulder
* L.T. is healthy, something he has not been for the better part of two years
* L.T. is ready to show us he's not a player in decline
* L.T. is slower at 30 than he was at 25, so are all 30 year old running backs
* L.T. is poised to have a big year, but don't be surprised if he doesn't

Anyway, that's the gist of it, and in hindsight, it's a poorly written article with no point whatsoever, but it's football related and I need every football fix I can get right now. Season begins in less than two weeks. Think about that for a minute and try to contain yourselves...

Friday, August 28, 2009

Stirring the Shit Pot...

I'm apologizing in advance for posting this, but that's merely an advanced apology for nothing as I am taking wonderful delight in the demise of the shit ponies. Had I the ability to type out uncontrollable mocking, sarcastic laughter, I would do that here, but I'm far to mature an adult for that...heh.

Experimental Thoughts....

As you all may know, I'm all for the footballing. Love the game, love it on the t.v., in person, even though it costs roughly the equivalent of the GDP of Brazil to attend at the Murph anymore (thanks Spanos'!!) but I'm a bit torn on this

While part of me wants to cram as much footballing into my life as possible, the other part would desire that when I'm screaming obscenities at the television, it's in the form of relevant starter on starter football and not meaningless week 18 fodder of playoff bound practice squadders fighting for contracts in the following year against the 0-17 Lions... Football yes, meaningless games that players are faking injuries during for their self preservation? No thanks. Well, not unless there are ample wings and beers, then by all means...

It's Sort Of AFC West News

Okay, the only reason I'm actually linking this is for the reference to the AT&T Rollover Minutes MILF. Totally.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

WOW! An Interview for the Ages...

Not really, more like a pre-season suck-off with ol' Laserface himself...

You can see more of Marmalard here.

AJ Is Not Worried...

...about his offensive line's inability to do offensive line stuff. Between him, Nicky and me that makes one of us.

And Nicky blows his one column a year that doesn't give me neck sprain before the regular season starts? That's poor clock management, my friend.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Chargers To Smokers: Suck It...Somewhere Else

So the Chargers have eliminated all smoking areas inside the stadium. This is one of the reasons I quit smoking. Because sooner or later it will be considered an out and out crime. So, good for me; I don't care because this doesn't affect me and that is the modern American way. I do wonder, though, if it's such a hot idea to alienate any group of fans in a panicked economy when you're worried about selling enough tickets to lift TV blackouts. Shit, maybe this will affect me. I also wonder how fair it is to change the rules after you've sold the ticket. I wouldn't be surprised to see some kind of lawsuit. I'd be even less surprised to see it lose because to be a smoker in California is to be Black Bart these days. But if the Chargers want to ban stuff in the stadium in order to make for a more pleasant fan experience for everyone else, how about neck tattoos?

Plaxico Burress Interview

I'm sure by now most of you have seen the portion of Plaxico's E:60 interview that they've been showing on ESPN where he tells what happened that night he shot himself in the leg. It's not really even all that interesting if you ask me but my favorite part is where the reporter asks the whitest question I've ever heard: "Why didn't you have a holster?" Way to be out of touch, ESPN. Or maybe they were asking what was on the minds of their 80 year old viewing audience. You know, keep that demo happy? Reminded me of the time an engineer at my work was shocked-SHOCKED-that I didn't wear a helmet when riding my beach cruiser on the boardwalk.