Wednesday, December 26, 2012

So That's How It's Gonna Be, Football?

It's the day after Christmas and by all accounts AJ and Norv have not yet cleaned out their offices so either Santa didn't get my letter or Dean had him shot down over Ottawa. Ottawa because Ottawa is fun to say, and even just to read, but go ahead and read it out loud. Ottawa. Anyway, every moment that Dean does not fire these assholes is another minute he's telling the fans that he gives not a shit about us. When he fires them he will do so resenting the fans, knowing that without our pesky complaining he could leave these guys in charge until he finally gets his stadium in L.A. If only there was no one to answer to! In the meantime, he's going to make us as miserable as he feels for having to regard us in any way, shape or form. We are not billionaires! Why can't we just shut up and take it?! Don't we know who he is?!!!

Well, we did beat the Jets on Sunday. At least I'm pretty sure we did. I wasn't paying much attention, because I was busy watching my fantasy football team choke away the championship. Can you guesshow many TDs the following group of guys accumulated on Sunday? AJ Green, Cecil Shorts, Adrian Peterson, Doug Martin and Greg Olsen? Zero! Goose egg! Nada! Do you know how many TDs I needed out of that group to take the title, the money and to get my name on the trophy? One! Just one TD from a group of guys who've mostly been juggernauts all season! But no, instead I had to watch my season go down in flames at the hands of Drew Brees, who I didn't think I could hate more than I already did. Just goes to show, you can't count on anything.

But hey, the Chargers won.

Totally handled the lowly Jets and their 3rd string QB. And do you know why they won? No, it's not so that AJ could somehow have his job saved (although I don't care what Acee says, that is most definitely still on the table). It's because I have a $10 bet out there that the Jets would be better than the Chargers, with the head-to-head being the tie-breaker. Now I need the Chargers to lose to the Raiders and the Jets to beat whoever or I'll be out in that regard as well.

My point is, football was so out to get me this year.

Friday, December 21, 2012

I Am Amazing!

So, however many years ago it was-seems like a thousand-that the Chargers fired incompetent playoff loser Marty Schottenheimer a lot of people were asking me who I thought we should hire as the coach of the Chargers. My answer to that was first and foremost, Jim Mora. Jim Mora, whose career in Atlanta was killed by Mike Vick, much like Andy Reid's with the Eagles is presently being killed. Jim Mora, who never got a shot in Seattle because look how shiny Pete Carroll is! Anyway, I'd say Jim Mora and Charger fan would say, "Oh my God you're so stupid" and roll their eyes because Charger fan sucks and then the organization went and hired incompetent every day loser Norv Turner instead. Then, through all the years Turner was busy nice-guying our team into the abyss and backing us away from the edge of the pool of success until we were buried under old barcalounger cushions in the poolhouse of failure, people would say, "Well who would you rather have? There is no one in the world who can do the job better than Norv Turner, so let's all stay the course like a bunch of dumb assholes." And I'd say, "Jim Mora's out there," and everybody'd roll their eyes and say, "You're an asshole! Jim Mora sucks because ESPN said so" or some such dumb bullshit.

You're probably wondering where I'm going with this. I'll tell you. A lot of talk is going on about the next Chargers coach and guess whose name is being bandied about quite a bit? That's right, Jim Mora you jerks! Suck it. I pray that this happens. Sure, he's getting the keys to a Datsun parked where our Porsche used to be, but I still think he would make all the haters and Norv apologists look as stupid as they are. I can't wait. I'm working on creative new ways to say "I told you so" already.

Monday, December 17, 2012

It's Only Gonna Get Worse

If you'd like to know why the Chargers have thus far refused to remove Norv Turner and AJ Smith from their current positions as Ambassador of Suck and Emperor of Poor Decision-Making, look no further than the number one requisite for any team with an intention to move to Los Angeles:

1. A team has to establish market failure where it now plays.

That's from Peter King's column this morning and is basically straight from the mouth of Roger Goodell. It doesn't get any clearer than that. Now, I've explained countless times why this is important to the NFL, but let me refresh your memories one more time. In the modern era of football, every time an NFL team has ditched their town for GREENer pastures against the wishes of a rabid fanbase, that fanbase has eventually been rewarded with an expansion franchise. Baltimore, Cleveland, Houston are your prime examples of this. The main reason is that these teams continue to have national appeal, undeniable history and beloved rivalries. The Chargers have none of that. As fans, we think our enmity with the Raiders, Broncos and Chiefs is a big deal, yet I assure you no one else in the country gives a damn. Not only do Goodell, Spanos and all the other interested parties have their hearts set on all that sweet L.A. TV revenue, the NFL wants to erase the City of San Diego from the football landscape. They want to be able to say, "You fans didn't care about the team you had when it was there. You couldn't sell out games. Why should we award a new franchise to a bunch of fairweather front-runners like you, San Diego?" Forget that we were given a team not even a mother could love at this point. Sure, the NFL would just as happily erase Oakland or Jacksonville from the NFL landscape, and one of those teams is likely to come along to Los Angeles with us, but right now we make the most sense because football fans are constant founts of denial. It won't take much for Angelinos to convince themselves that the Chargers are a CALIFORNIA team or to remind themselves that the Bolts originated in Los Angeles. If and when it happens, don't bother consoling yourselves by assuming the NFL will make it up to us with a shiny new franchise. But you can at least take heart in the fact that we never really had a chance. The deck was stacked against us as fans the day Spanos acquired the team.

You may think I'm crazy, but watch who they hire to run this show. I'm guessing it won't be any of the guys the fans pine for. No Gruden. No Cowher. Not even Brian Billick. It will be some place holder college coach that AJ can pay a mere pittance to until it's time to jettison him and build his L.A. fanbase by hiring John Gruden. L.A. will love Gruden.

As always, I hope I'm worng.

Sunday, December 09, 2012

The Boy Who Cried Wolf...

Well, well, well. For the second year, here we sit debating the Chargers merits or lack there of. For the second year, we balance precariously on the precipice of the future of this team and staff. For the second year it appears as if we've finally rid ourselves of the albatross, the elephant in the room, the 800 pound gorilla. For the second year, Kevin Acee says it so. Rejoice! Rejoice! Huzzah! We're free! 

Enter Dean, the boss, the owner's owner. Hold your horses he says. Not so fast he says. He's made no decisions about the future of the Chargers, the Norv Turner era, or the Godfather's seemingly endless reign. NO. You are not set free. Speculate all you will, but the elephant in the room and the 800 pound gorilla just sat down at the poker table and they've just anted up, the albatross tending bar. Get comfortable. It's going to be a long night.

Enter Kevin Acee. He swears the new era begins now. Forgive me for a moment Kevin. Didn't you say just this same thing last year? Didn't you? Quote, December 31, 2011 

"Norv Turner, the man whose winning percentage is tied as the highest among the 14 head coaches the Chargers have ever employed, is all but certain to be fired next week."

Hmmm. Forgive me for pointing out the obvious, but you got our hopes and dreams all atwitter last season's end. You virtually guaranteed that we would be freed of all things Norv last season. And now the sour grapes because you are sourcing an unnamed source within the organization that is feeding you the same info you were clearly misled by last season, nearly exactly one calendar year ago. Forgive me if your column does not incite the amount of optimism you would like amongst us "angry villagers" (Thanks Nick! You're the best!). Perusing your archives is an exercise in inconsistency. In June you wrote, "A.J. Not Going Anywhere Even With Playoff Miss." In September, you wrote that left tackle is unimportant to the Chargers. And then there's THIS. This. To paraphrase, A.J. gave Norv the players. The free agents are can't miss. How about a direct quote? 

"I'm writing this now because I believe general manager A.J. Smith has in last month’s free agency spree and this weekend’s draft, finally done his part and at least rebuilt the engine on the Ferrari."

Do you hear that? The engine on the Ferrari has been rebuilt. Sigh. That Ferrari must have been rebuilt in that one mechanic's shop in Chula that uses cut rate parts scavenged from stolen vehicles just the other side of the border. The Ferrari started up, drove out of the garage, and the wheels came off, drifted down the street and the engine exploded in a fiery ball of suck.

So forgive me Mr. Acee if I'm not sold on your claim that things are going to change yet again. Especially when the owner of the team discounts your statements and dismisses them wholeheartedly. Mind you, I'm really excited about the prospect of this event finally occurring. Unlike Nick Canepa, I'm not afraid of moving forward and distancing ourselves from this era. The fear of moving forward is no reason to stick with a status quo that has clearly demonstrated time and time again that it will not be successful, but it has done so demonstrably year after year and the team has been trending downward since the Norv era began. You can make the claims of playoff appearances and division wins, and the overall record of the team during Norv's tenure, but you'd be manipulating the statistics to suit your argument. This era has been nothing short of disaster. How about some numbers? 2012. 4-8. 35-24. 4th & 29. Those are some telling numbers. 

So, as we meander on down the 2012 death march, we can only hope that Acee is right this year. I think he'll be partially proven correct. In no way can I see the Norv era continuing. I could see it if attendance wasn't suffering so badly. Even Dean understands that he needs to reconcile things with the fans. So, exit Norv. But, I'm still not willing to concede that A.J. goes. Why have someone else groom the son of the owner for that eventual rise to the head of football operations position currently occupied by the Godfather? Why not let the Godfather play out his contract and groom his successor? I just don't see him going. Not yet. I truly hope I'm wrong. But alas, we here at this blog have been correct more than incorrect as of late. Blah. 

So. we slog on. Pittsburgh today. 0-13 regular season record there. Ben back at the helm. Our awful offensive line further decimated by injury. Things are not looking up. 

Pittsburgh 24. Chargers 6. 

Go Bolts. 

Monday, December 03, 2012

So, Maybe You'd Like to Talk About the Chargers Instead?

Fine, let's talk about it. Let's talk about yesterday's game. Like the rest of San Diego's law abiding populace I was unable to watch the game in it's entirety. Thanks to the glory of the Red Zone Channel, though, I was afforded the opportunity to watch many of the very worst parts.

The story is the same as it ever is. Here's some highlights.

  • The defense played well enough to keep us in the game while the offense committed blunder after insufferable blunder to keep the win safely out of reach.
  • Rivers choked it up in the redzone...again.
  • Mathews continues to confound Norv Turner being that Mathews was never on the Cowboys of the 90s, therefore he does not appear to even be in Norv Turner's playbook.
  • Terrible clock management at the end of the game resulted in 4 failed attempts at the end zone when there was plenty of time and timeouts to run an actual offense and not just a desperate gambit.
And Norv Turner is still our coach. And AJ Smith is still our GM. And I suppose you could say it's because we are not mathematically eliminated from postseason play and that stranger things actually have happened, but never before have I been so certain this team has already left town. At least in spirit. I've said this before and I'll say it again. There are only two possible explanations for the inaction of ownership at this point.

A) Spanos is actually a complete moron who is completely unable to see what's right in front of his face. He's too stupid to understand that he is being played by his GM while fielding a dying product year after year. This is an attractive explanation for San Diego fans. I guarantee you that most fans think Dean is an idiot. But the guy's a billionaire, and while he may have inherited much of that from his dad, he's been running the show for a long time now and continues to make money for giving you nothing. I think the guy is more criminal mastermind than bumbling Mr. Bean.

B) Spanos has an end game in mind. He may not ultimately get there, but he is keeping his eye on the prize and the prize is Los Angeles (yuck!) and it's $Billion+ in TV revenue. This is what the NFL wants too. And both parties know that if the organization fields a winning or even likable team, that the City of San Diego is unlikely to let them go quietly. They could still bail out as others have done before them, but the last thing the NFL wants to do is award San Diego-a smaller market admittedly fair weather fanbase-another franchis like they had to do with those other towns where the team left against the will of the people. The NFL wants to erase this market. And sure, it wants to erase Jacksonville and probably Oakland too, but we are ideal. L.A. will embrace this team. They will justify it by remembering that the Chargers were born in L.A. and L.A. fans already adore living in the past. Jettison Norv and insert John Gruden and you've won that town over with very little effort. Of course, the Raiders are also ideal, which is why they will probably end up in L.A. right along with Dean and Co. Then the Chargers will probably get thrown to the Lions in the NFC.

The one fortunate circumstance for us the fans is that Norv has been so Norvlike that Dean is going to probably have to let him go or risk personal bodily injury. The unfortunate is that people continue to bandy about Andy Reid's name. And Reid's Eagles are currently vying with Norv's Chargers and a handful of other misfit toys for next year's first draft pick. Hardly feels like an upgrade. If it happens, ask yourselves which makes more sense. A or B?

Sunday, December 02, 2012

Don't Even Think About It, Shark!

A 61 year-old Oregon man was bitten by a Tiger Shark while snorkeling in Hawaii over the weekend and that is not okay with me. No, shark! Bad shark! We are in charge! People! You cannot just be going around eating or even sampling people as if it is not a bid deal. I assure you it is a very big deal, so just don't. And tell all the bears as well, because bears are just awful at following rules. Even the most simple rules, like "Don't Eat People." That's one very simple to interpret rule. It's not the tax code.

All that being said, people need to stop going places where things might eat them. There is no good reason to be in the ocean ever. Shut up, surfers! You do not even get to give an opinion, because only surfers have ever told a reporter that yes, they had seen the Great White Shark swimming around all week AND ACTING AGGRESSIVELY, but were surprised that it actually made the uncouth decision to eat one of them. That statement renders everything else you say invalid, surfers! If I saw a Great White shark swimming around the first thing I'd assume is that it is town to eat people and it's not leaving until it's eaten it's fill...of people! I watch Shark Week in the mirror from another room, just to be safe. So quit going in the ocean. There's nothing there for you. It's dark and scary and not even heated! Nobody has ever been eaten by a shark in their swimming pool. I just asked Siri to be sure and she said she didn't understand the question, presumably because the idea of someone getting eaten by a shark in their pool is preposterous!

Also, never go in the woods! Never! That's where bears are! Do you know anything about bears? Let me fill you in on a fun fact about bears. They don't always eat people, but when they do, those people are almost always being eaten alive. No joke. Look up bear attacks online and be amazed and horrified by how regularly people are on the phone with their loved ones delivering all the grizzly details of the terrifying death they are involved in at the time. See what I did there with the word grizzly? Classic punnage. Bears are cocksuckers. Here's a free pro tip for all you stupid people that can't wait to go camping and won't shut up about it on the Facebook. If your campground has a sign that says 'Don't feed the bears' or please secure your food so bears won't get it' then you should leave. Because that is a strong indicator that there might be bears around. Bears love woods, so don't go there. I cut down the tree in my front yard because I was concerned that it sent a message to bears that I want them to come around and hang out in front of my place and try to resist the urge to eat me. That's a losing proposition.

Never go to Australia. Everything in Australia will kill you. You've probably heard this. You've probably joked around with your friends about how things in Australia will totally fuck you up, but stop joking. It's serious. Everything there will kill you! Here's a short list of things in and around Australia that will kill you:

1) Sharks
2) Box Jellyfishes (Ugh, fuck box jellyfishes!!!)
3) Funnel Web Spiders
4) Crocodiles
5) Black Mamba Snakes
6) Serial Killers
7) Probably some sort of colorful frog

It took me 8 seconds to come up with those off the top of my head and there are a million more. England or some European country originally populated Australia with all of their criminals because they were like, this place is worse than a prison. It is full of shit that will kill you. Let's put these assholes here and never speak of this place again. Every dumb teenager goes "Oh, I want to go to Australia and smoke a bunch of weed" and they should because teenagers are the worst and probably should go to Australia and get devoured by some horrible man-eating weed, but if you make it past being a teenager, just cross it off of your list unless you have some crazy death wish.

Here's some other places you should avoid:

1) The Arctic -Polar bears, Wolves (fucking wolves, dude!)
2) Hawaii-Duh, sharks and volcanoes!
3) West Virginia-Mutant cannibal rednecks (the worst besides teenagers)
4) Remote Private Islands-Sadistic Billionaires who want to hunt the deadliest game

Pretty much if you leave your home or office you are just asking nature to bitchslap you with a horrible death. Don't do it.

Bengals 27, Bolts 13

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Week 12 Premature Evaluation

And, we're back. Time for the weekly Premature Evaluation. Again, sorry for being late, but sometimes the real job and life takes precedent over the free job that is, while fun and exciting, still unpaid and underappreciated.  However, it's time to grade each team as per usual on a mostly pass fail basis, unless of course you know, I feel like being more of a dick. ONSIDE KICK!!! You never saw that coming...

1.Texans (10-1). I've had just about enough of Texas. You're prominently figured in the book I'm reading. I hate the glory bestowed on your state. Oil, guns, and open container freedom. Wait? Why do I hate you again? Pass.  
2. 49ers (8-2-1). I'm pretty sure a nervous Alex Smith is worse than the regular Alex Smith.  The new guy looks more than competent however. Pass. B+.

3. Giants (7-4).  Oh gee, look who showed up for a week to wax a real team. Now you'll dump to the Cowgirls and fall off the radar yet again. Your game is tired. Pass. A. 
4. Patriots (8-3). Offensively you're resembling 2007. Defensively you're doing the same. You'd think after a while you'd address that defensive thing that continues to fail you in crucial moments. But here we are. Pass. 
5. Packers (7-4). I'm worried that when you get this thing figured out you'll win the Super Bowl. Let's go drinking so I can slip you a mickey and ensure you don't figure it out. Fail. F. 

6. Falcons (10-1). I'm still struggling as to whether you or the Ravens are the bigger lie. I'm going with you for now. F. Amazingly you pass with an F. 
7. Bears (8-3).  I liked you more when Jason Campbell was the quarterback. It's funny that even Bears fans hate Jay Cutler. Enjoy Chicago! If anyone deserves that guy it's you. No really, it is. Pass. C.

8.Broncos (8-3). I'm actually sort of happy because I feel at least like you are somewhat responsible for spurring the change that might occur with our management. But then again, you're still the donkeys and I fucking hate you. Plane crash on three! Ready...THREE!! Pass.
9. Saints (5-6). After all the turmoil and bullshit in the offseason, I admire the way you've still managed to become slightly scary as a football team. That's high praise from me. Pass. I'd not like to face you in the playoffs. Good thing we won't have to.

10. Ravens (9-2). You're a total lie. But, we're totally bigger liars. Fourth and twenty nine. Thanks for making that a permanent part of our legacy, along with the Norv Turner era. That in and of itself makes it almost impossible to be a Charger fan. F. Die.

11. Seahawks (6-5). I want to like you so much. But I'm going to have to settle for hatred. Fail. 

12.Steelers (6-5). You're never going anywhere with Brian Sandwich and Charlie Batch. If you get Rowengartner back soon you might be a contender. He'll probably return when we play you which will be nice. Thanks for that. F. Fail. F. 

13. Redskins (5-6).  You're a good bad team led by Mike Shanahan. I hate you. Die. F. 
14.Colts (7-4). This whole media darling thing with the cancer storyline and the renewal of Peyton Manning's Colts and the Patriots rivalry is manufactured and shitty. I hate it. I'll trade you Philip Rivers and Ryan Mathews for Andrew Luck. Consider it before you say no. Pass. 
15. Bucs (6-5). You're a Doug Martin injury from LaGarrett Blount. Don't get cocky. Pass. 

16. Vikings (6-5). Without Adrian Peterson, you're the Gophers including their epileptic head coach. That's not a good thing. Fail. 
17.   Bengals (6-5). Have mercy on us this week. We're not equipped to stop the Ginger to Green connection. So help me. Pass. 
18. Dolphins (5-6). Laughably futile. You're playing for nothing and it shows. Fail. 

19.Cowboys (5-6). You're schtick is even getting old. Their going to ruin the best thing about this team which is the ineptitude that Garrett and Reauxmeaux bring every week. That will be a sad day. Fail. 

20.  Lions (4-7). I'm starting to like this Suh character. Can we take him off your hands? Philip Rivers and Ryan Mathews are available....think about it....Fail. 
21.Rams (4-6-1). I really feel sorry for you Stephen Jackson. But if you were like everyone else, you'd have forced your way out of there years ago. Your bad. Fail. 

22. Cleveland (3-8). I hate you and I never have to live in Cleveland. That makes me the winner. Fail. 
23. Cardinals (4-7). Looks like the Arizona desert was finally too much for Satan. He took your souls and went home. Woof. Fail. 
24.  Chargers (4-7). Oh fuck you. Fail. 
25. Titans (4-7).  You're only relevant in fantasy circles and only because of Chris Johnson. No. One. Cares. F. Fail. 
26. Eagles (3-8). There is a no Andy Reid rule in my house. I'm working to make it  state law. I swear it cannot happen. Stop trying to dump your walrus on us! Fail. If you dump him on us, you have to take Mathews and Rivers and give us Vick and McCoy also. It's only fair. We basically drafted Vick anyway. Fail. 
27. Bills (4-7). Still more irrelevant than the Jets which seems impossible. F.
28. Jets (4-7). Unfortunately, the hurricane missed. F.
29. Panthers (3-8).  The best thing about you is that new commercial with Cam Newton's child replacement. I love that commercial. F.
30.  Jaguars (2-9). HENNE! HENNE! HENNE! Doesn't have a good ring to it. Fail. 
31. Raiders (3-8). Strangely it feels like Al is still pulling the strings. Good. F.

That's it for this week. As you're aware, the game again is blacked out and likely it's for the best. Don't sweat it, we're here to watch it for you and give you the full play by play of our ineptitude. Let's see what kind of spectacular ways we can shit the bed this week. Go bolts!!

Sunday, November 25, 2012


I'm a laaaaazy blogger. But seriously, what is there to talk about? The team stinks. It's not getting better any time soon. The coach remains. The GM remains. Dean's never gonna sell. Writing about it just feels like wallowing in it. Picking on the local writers has even lost it's luster for me. But writing is what you all don't pay me for, so I guess I must endure.

First things first, the game is blacked out and that is a shame. I think this game is going to go down as a brutal reminder that no one is our bitch anymore. Not Peyton Manning and not the road Ravens. Don't expect a rout like last season. Well, you probably do expect that. Most Chargers fans seem to think that team-the one that showed up for one game against the Ravens last year- is the real team. That is not your team. Your team is the one who can really only beat the awful Chiefs with any amount of consistency. Your real team folds in the face of adversity and bows down to any team with a winning record and some without. And you should all want the Ravens to murder us. Last year's Ravens game went a long way towards saving Norv and AJ. We cannot have that again. We cannot afford to have either one of those men anywhere near this team after this season and any wins down the line might be enough to at least save AJ. Of course, it's my opinion that both of them should be fired now, just avoid any uncomfortable decision making after we are officially eliminated from contention. Everyone else tells me that you clearly wouldn't fire either man until after the season, but the reasoning behind that sentiment appears to be "Because. Duh." Hard to argue with that.

Anyway, as the season winds down into nothingness earlier than it has in a long time around here, let's talk about the future of some of the local boys. Not Norv and AJ, they're already dead to me. But what might the future hold for some of the men in uniform?

Philip Rivers - Oh man, up yours, Philip Rivers. Get another "L" for your name, it's wierd looking, with one "L," like your delivery. How have you gotten so bad? Did Norv tell you to do it? I've stuck up for you. I've made excuses for you. No more. You are awful. Two years ago, no one would have thought we'd need to look for ole One-Ell's replacement, but now I say you can't get the heir apparent in here fast enough, because it ain't gonna be...

Charlie Whitehurst - What do you do, Charlie Whitehurst? What does it say on your business card. It can't say Quarterback on there. I mean, Philip's over there stinking up the joint and no one's even calling your name. Yeah, sure, people say in passing "I guess we could put in Whitehurst and see what happens," but no one is chanting your name or waving your banner. They chanted for Brady Quinn in KC. You're not even Brady Quinn! We gave you to another team and they gave you back! Just quit it, Whitehurst. Quit standing there. Go home. Everybody knows you sold your helmet to buy Garbage Pail Kids anyway.

Jared Gaither - Haha, just kidding. There's no such person as Jared Gaither. He's a ghost. Like Kaiser Soze. Those who claim to have seen him assure me he is an enormous man, but they are probably crazy. Dude's just not real.

Ryan Mathews - Shouldn't you have another "T" in your name? What is going on with this team and all it's missing letters? Anyway, Mathews, pretty much everyone is calling you this season's biggest disappointment, but I'm here to tell you that it isn't your fault. Running backs do not thrive in Norv Turner's ideal offense. Running backs need to go sit in the corner and shut up so Philip can shotput the ball to whomever is catching passes for us this week. LaDainian Tomlinson, who was once and often referred to by this unpaid writer as TBE (the best ever), wilted in Turner's offense. Darren Sproles never reached his true potential under Norv-but he did get to meet Ray Lewis once! My point is, Norv doesn't know what to do with you. You're a mystery to him. He sometimes doesn't even know if you're on the field. The fact is, you might actually be the best running back in the league, but we'll never know for sure. You never had a chance.

Robert Meachum - Fuck off, Robert Meachem. No offense. What do your business cards say? Do you go to the same guy as Whitehurst to get them done? Good job not getting any DUIs yet, I guess.

Danario Alexander - Settle down, Champ. You're making everyone else look bad. And you're making AJ look good, which is really bad. Aren't you paying attention? We can't take any chances with that guy, so go ahead and drop a couple of balls or something. But stick around, cause I have a feeling we're going to be needing you down the road.

Atari Bigby - Solid name. Killer look. Jamaican Voodoo Posse in full effect. It's not racist, it's Predator 2 with Danny Glover. Anyway, learn to tackle. You have arms, would it kill you to use them once in a while?

Quentin Jammer - Well, Jammer is getting closer and closer to being moved to Safety I think, and the only good thing that will come of that is that people will stop telling me that they need to move Jammer to Safety. That, and Jammer know how to use his arms to tackle ATARI BIGBY! Our corners are going to get shredded weekly when they finally make this move.

 Eric Weddle, Donald Butler, Shaun Phillips - You guys are cool.Way to rock two "L"s Phillips.

So there you have it. Some content. It's not great, but it's something. Have fun not watching the game. You know, unless your are a criminal! Criminals! The FBI is looking for you.

My prediction - Ravens 52, Bolts 24.

I'm going to leave all with this picture of a bottle of Melinda's hot sauce that somebody left at my house. If you are reading this and you are the person who left this at my house, you cannot have it back. It is mine now, I keep it. Everybody else should go buy some, because it is yummy and will make you feel better.

So good.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Week 10 Premature Evaluation...

First off I'd like to apologize for missing a week of prematurely evaluating the individual performances of each squad for week 9. I have an explanation, likely you do not care. I don't blame you, but since you're here, you likely have nothing to do while moving your bowels so you get the story regardless. I employ AT&T for my cable and internet services. On Wednesday, the night this post typically goes up of last week, my internet service went kaput. After multiple phone calls to India, a tech was scheduled to come by on Thursday. Thursday came and went, no tech came, no internet restored, no phone call or explanation. As you are aware, that's a whole fucketfull of fail. Had I a moment of free time, I'd take a shovel to the manager over there that told me, "Eh, it happens. We were overbooked.". Holy buckets were new swear words invented. Sadly they were wasted on someone in Bangladesh who had no idea what they meant.

So, that being said, we're back! As always it's time to break out my analyst hat (analyst dickheads) and assign grades to each and every team. You know the drill by now, all grades are on a mostly pass fail basis, unless of course I feel like being a dick. Ask AT&T how I feel. Someone in India is still crying, and not because their streets are covered in shit. Thank you come again!

1. AT&T (0-1). Bunch of fuckfaces are you. Ef. Ay. Eye. El. FAIL. 
1A. Packers (6-3). Imagine if this team was healthy. Wait. Don't. Don't imagine that at all. Let's get some arsenic in the hotel food shall we? Pass.
2. Texans (8-1). Only because you hurt Jay Cutler do you occupy the number two hole here. Otherwise you just remind me of the number two hole. Pass.
3. Giants (6-4). Oh, spare me the midseason swoon routine. You play against the Cowgirls, Iggles and Injuns. LIke you have anything to prove in that division. But still fail. 
4.Patriots (6-3). As if Tom Brady wasn't already wholly unlikeable, he's doing concussion awareness commercials for the NFL. The only concussion he has ever sustained was at the hands of Giselle as his dome was assaulted by their headboard while she worked him over with her strap on. True story. I read it on the internets. Pass. C.
5. 49ers (6-2-1). A tie? To the Rams? Seriously? It's hard enough to put aside my hatred and bias against you and then you play a full NFL game to a tie. You should lose draft picks for putting me through that. Fuck you failures.
6.Falcons (8-1). Atlanta Fraudcons. TO LEGIT TO QUIT! TO! LEGIT! TO LEGIT TO QUIT! M.C. Hammer has more credibility than you. Which I have to admit is awesome. Fail. F. That may be to with two o's. Don't care.
7. Bears (7-2).  Hi Jason Campbell! Good luck saving the season! At least you can quit your side job of shoveling driveways in Gary, Indiana now that you're a starter again! Yay! Oh, and fail.
8.Broncos (6-3). I saw a guy wearing an Ed McCaffrey jersey on my airplane yesterday. I was so torn with wanting the plane to crash for punishment for that behavior, and you know, living. I'm truly impressed with my strength to not root for plane crash. That's DISCIPLINE! Pass.
9.Seahawks (6-4). The kindest thing I can say about you is that Russell Wilson isn't Trent Dilfer. That's saying a lot. Pass.  
10. Saints (4-5). Now that you're back to your just interim head coach, you've managed to build momentum from your victory over us. Had I the power to control hurricanes, another would be bearing down on your village as we speak. I'm going to go start my truck and let it run idle just in case global warming is real. Pass. 
11. Steelers (6-3). Well, well, well. Apparently Ben nearly died. So many players are nearly dying anymore (see: Amendola, Danny) it's the new black. We'll see if you can hang on with Bryon Sandwich until Ben is off life support. Pass. D. 
12.  Ravens (7-2). Lying bunch of liars. See you at about spot 19 next week. Good time to catch your division rival and superior team when their starting quarterback looks like he ate the real starting quarterback. Pass. C. 
13. Vikings (6-4). Boy. Adrian Peterson is the only likable thing about you. You are clearly not going to make up your mind as to whether you're a good team or not. I think not. Pass. C. God Damned C students. Super Dickheads. 
14. Lions (4-5). To call you disappointing would be an understatement. However, that disappointment brings me so much pleasure. Here's to you Lions! Life is good and normal when you suck! Hooray for suck. Fail. F for execution, A for suck.
15. Redskins (3-6). Let me be clear about this. Until RGIII, the only thing people cared about was how insensitive your team name was. We're back to talking about your team name. Not a good sign. F. Fail.   
16. Dolphins (4-5). Max and I shared this exchange tonight. Max: "So, Miami sucks some." Me: "They are the Minnesota Chargers of the east." Case closed. Fail. F.
17.  Rams (3-5-1). You deserve credit for not losing to the 49ers. Except you tied. You deserve no credit for that. You're the fat easy girl in the bar at 12:45. Anyone can get to you. But they're usually to drunk to put you away. Fail. F. 
18. Colts (6-3). Seriously leveraging cancer to death aren't you? Arizona would like to have a word with you about ruining their relationship with Satan. Pass. 
19. Bucs (5-4). You probably think you're special after that victory last week. Newsflash dickheads, you beat us. Us isn't good. In fact, without us being us, you lose handily. Pass. D-. 
20. Cowboys (4-5). You're an embarrassment to the sport. But you're entertaining as hell. Pass. D.
21.Eagles (3-6). I swear to holy hell, if you package up that incompetent walrus and send him our way to coach our team next year, there will be hell to pay. I will strap knives to crossbow arrows and shoot them out of a flamethrower at you forever.

22. Bengals (4-5). I'm firmly in the camp that you are underachievers. That's no compliment. You are tigers without bite or balls. Pass. B-.
23.  Cleveland (2-7). I'm still bitter about the loss from two weeks ago. There's nothing I'm going to say that will be constructive here. Luckily, you don't do anything that resembles a professional football team constructively for that matter. So there. Fail.
24. Cardinals (4-5).  You are entertaining in your awfulness. You'd think after all these years you'd address the offensive line issues that are, well, offensive. Instead you drafted a receiver in the first round that reminds me of the guy that Seattle drafted which is weird. Your deal with the devil has apparently expired. But, you have the Falcons on tap, who we all know are a lie. Enjoy upset Sunday. Fail. 
25. Titans (4-6). The only reason people pay attention to you is to check Chris Johnson's fantasy stats. That's a sad place to be. 
26. Chargers (4-5). No one checks our fantasy stats. Our quarterback has clearly been taken up by zombies and is no longer himself. Our coach however is. Blah, blah, blah. I'm sick of writing the same thing for years on end. I have better ways to waste my time. I have cable and internet providers to yell at in India. To say fail is an insult to failures. But, Fail. 
27. Bills (3-6). You are the ultimate futile team. Everything you do is a colossal waste of time. Even when you win, you lose, which isn't often. The winning part that is. Fail. F.   
28. Jets (3-6).  Here you are still entertaining me with how horrible you are. Unfortunately, your owner is starting to realize it and change is on the horizon. Such a sad day in my home to know they are committed to turning this trainwreck around. Fail. F. 
29. Panthers (2-7).  Boring. Fail. 
30. Raiders (3-6). Wow. The Ravens took you to the woodshed and violated you like your dead owner violated contracts. I doubt you enjoyed that again but at the same time, you're used to it. Things you're used to become less painful over time. Fail. 
31. Chiefs (1-8). The only thing you did right was kill the Ben. That cannot erase your entire fail of a season. F. Fail. F.
32. Jaguars (1-8). They still haven't announced your move to L.A.? Color me shocked. And, a lot of people speak ill of the Chefs, but you are clearly the class of the worst in the league. Hang your hat on that. Fail. 
Again, I apologize for the delay. It will not occur again, as long as AT&T doesn't smear peanut butter on themselves and enjoy their dog in inappropriate ways again. Oh, and peruse the archives. Those around here that write this content predicted a losing streak that started with Tampa and lasts five weeks. We're embarking on week two. Keep your eyes open and your beers cold. You'll need both. Happy football everybody.

I Stand Corrected

If you've ever had the pleasure-nay, the honor!-of hearing me soapbox for more than a couple of minutes then you know that I've gone on the record as saying Tight Ends are bullshit in fantasy football and that Norv Turner is no damn genius! Well, I stand here before you humbled by harsh pimp hand of reality. No, Tight Ends are still total fantasy football bullshit , but I have discovered actual physical evidence that Norv Turner may actually be the offensive genius so many paid sports pundits tell you he is. You see, this isn't your normal half ass local sports team blog that's unwilling to hit the streets. We go the extra quarter mile here and every so often it pays dividends. I'm not going to go over all the sordid details, but Yours Intrepidly here was able to procure this discarded cocktail napkin that trusted sources assure me belonged to Norv and presumably offers up keen insight into a key facet of the Chargers offensive game-plan for this Sunday's big must win game against the Denver Fuck-os.

For those of you following along on your tiny baby smart phones that napkin clearly says, "Score 35 points in the first half." Well, history tells us that would do it. Genius. Go Bolts!!!

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Your Season So Far: A Retrospective: Things Are Looking Up: We Got This: Charger Time!

I’ve really neglected this site. I’m aware of it. And I’m sorry. I’m not going to make excuses, but I have some excuses I’d like to offer up in case you’re into that.

There was an election. Elections are important. If you are not grinding your teeth and perusing every available piece of information in order to make an informed decision on election day, then you might as well move to Communist Britain because you are no American! I studied a lot. And I learned a lot. For instance, did you know that propositions are not just for hookers? True story.  Anyway, I don’t know if anything I voted for happened, but I feel better than anyone that didn’t vote and being better than other people is as American as liposuction.

Another thing that kept me from contributing to this blog is how hard I’ve been working. At winning the lottery. I’ve been buying tickets so hard. It’s like a full time job. And I’ve always heard that you get from your job what you put into it. So I expect a check from the state for $173 any day. That’s how the lottery works, right? Fucking Ponzi scheme.

Thirdly, I just turned old o’ clock on the life calendar so I forget a lot of stuff now. Like the URL for this blog. Or how Facebook works. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks just sitting out in front of my house in a bath robe drinking coffee and staring. It’s still coffee even if you top it off with Ten High.

All of those things considered, it’s not like I’m totally disconnected from our beloved Chargers. I, like many of you, saw Norv and Co. save the season a couple of Thursdays ago with a dominating performance against the Chiefs. It was too dominating! Anyway, with that great comeback story the first half of the season came to a close. Eight games in the books and I figured what better way to hail my triumphant return to owning the internet than by going over the first half off the season with in depth game by game analysis. So let’s try that and see if it works*.

Week 1 - Chargers @ Raiders
I think at this point most people just remember that we dismantled the Raiders on opening night. It’s like they didn’t even show up, which is partially true. Their best receiver didn’t show up, which was huge for us because even Cason is probably only gonna get burned once or twice by the other team’s third best guy. Honestly, go back and look at film. Cason put on a clinic on not getting burned too often by a mediocre receiver. And then there was the Raiders’ long snapper, who showed up, but then went home sick. Seriously, dude, just stay home. Don’t come in and work for an hour and then be all “Sorry I gotta bail. My head feels funny.” Everybody in the office knows you’ve been drinking and if you’d just called in to begin with we could’ve called a temp, but now Gene from accounting has to snap the ball and we’re going to lose the big account. Thanks, Alchie. Thanks for nothing.

Final Analysis: Crushing it. Superbowl bound!

Week 2 – Titans @ Chargers
Home opener. And a grudge match. You all remember that one time that one Titan stepped on Antonio Gates’ hand, right? Yeah, well this time it was personal. Antonio kept his hands off the ground and this game was never in doubt. Unless you count the second and thhird quarters where Philip and Co. decided not to do anything and see if the Titans had the balls to do anything about it. Stupid Titans! We knew you didn’t have it in you. Here, have a clearly intentionally thrown interception! What are you gonna do with it? Nothing. Game over. 

I felt the most exciting thing about this game was that it proved what I’d only suspected while watching the Raiders game. That after several years of shiftless Norvism, this team had finally decided to cultivate an identity. Team That Never Puts Anyone Away if They Can Help it. Not the identity I’d have gone with, but it’s nice to know this team plans to do something consistently for once.

Final Analysis. What do you mean we didn’t put the Titans away? Scoreboard! Getting fitted for our Superbowl gowns!

Week 3 – Cheating ass Falcons @ San Diego
The Falcons are cheating cheaters and they know what they’ve done. I’m not sure how they’re doing it, but there’s no way that team is undefeated without cheating. Matt Ryan is as boring as his name. Roddy White? I had Roddy White on my fantasy team last year and I can tell you that there is no doubt he is a terrible person who probably runs some sort of underground baby wresting ring. Bare knuckle! Michael Turner? Look, people in San Diego love Turner because they can’t get their heads out of their pasts, but Turner is old and not very good. I don’t care if he led the NFC in rushing last year, I’m pretty sure not one of those yards did his team any good.  He’s the worst short yardage short yardage guy in the league. So yeah, the Falcons are cheating.

This was also the game where Ryan Mathews tried to sabotage our offense by not getting out of his own way again. Is this guy trying to promote his personal Fumbler brand sports apparel line? Seriously, we are scientifically advance enough to grow an ear on someone’s arm; We can’t get Mathews a couple of extra fingers?

Final Analysis – We’re not going to let some stupid cheaters ruin our glorious coming out party. Owning the AFC.

Week 4 – Chargers @ Chiefs
Honest to God, I don’t even remember this game happening. Did we really already play the Chiefs twice? I think we were kind of winning a lot, and then they kind of looked like they might come back, but then we kind of handled it. Is that right? Geez, 37-20? I guess we killed them. Wait, of course we killed them! Chargers!

Final Analysis – Um, good?

Week 5 – Chargers at New Orleans
The week we learned to miss the replacement refs. So, Antonio Gates is pretty much Rodney Harrison now, right? The refs are just going to assume he did something wrong at the worst possible time for us and throw the flag. I’m calling it right now. Tony Gonzalez retires and Gates goes to the cheating Falcons and wins three rings.

Anywho, the Bolts never stood a chance in this game. The league was never going to let the ultimate shrimpy good guy, Drew Brees, go 0-5. And they certainly weren’t going to allow him to fall to the team that wronged him so badly that he had to settle for making hundreds of millions of dollars and the adoration of millions of fans in New Orleans rather than sit on our bench for five years like some stupid Billy Volek. I mean, I hate AJ Smith, but I don’t have a reason that good.

This was also the game that cemented one of the many onion like layers of our new identity where one big play or call that goes against us makes us too sad to keep playing. It’s depression, people, and it’s a disease.

Final Analysis – Sometimes even 0-4 teams get lucky. Especially when the stupid refs are in the bag for Drew Brees and his stupid face. We shall overcome!

Week 6 - Broncos @ Chargers
Okay, so this game was a tie, right? We beat them up for a half, they beat us up for a half. No team played better than the other team for any more than 30 minutes. Tie. This is what’s wrong with the NFL. Anybody can clearly see what the outcome should have been, but the NFL insists on going by the archaic notion of points scored. This game was a tie. Ask any pop warner squad. What kind of message are we sending to the children?

Also, I know a lot of people felt like that fumble by Rivers was a forward pass, but I have to disagree. The rules are very clear that when something happens on the field that maybe there is some way to interpret it and if the ball comes out but the quarterback didn’t get hit in the head and the defense doesn’t follow through to the ground. Fumble. Conversely, if the quarterback is blindsided but the defender deflects the ball, but there is an illegal shift which cancels out too many men on the field? Possibly touchdown. It’s simple rulebook stuff.

Final Analysis – The Universe and the league are conspiring against us. But we’ve got something the Universe only sort of has because he’s in it, but he’s on our side. Genius. Norv.


Week 9 - Chiefs @ Chargers
Salvation! Hey league, up yours! These Chargers do not lose to the team with the worst recoed in the league three times in one year, am I right?! This game was special in that our selfless offense stepped aside and let our oftened maligned (scapegoated) in the local media defense dictate the game in the second half. I’m not kidding, the offense couldn’t wait to get off the field and let the D strut their stuff. And the D did not Disappoint.

This was also the game that proved the Chiefs should kill themselves.

Final Analysis – We’re back, baby! Why have we not put Superbowl tickets on sale yet? Seems like poor planning. But hey, this team is focused on the now.

So, there you have it. Half the season in the books and the Bolts are in the drivers seat. Next stop, Tampa Bay, and I like our chances. I mean, who the hell is Doug Martin? 250 something yards? Big whoop. Adrian Peterson ran for nearly 300 on us in his rookie season. Call us when you’ve done something worth talking about. And Vincent Jackson? Um, we know Vincent Jackson. We know he likes to disappear for games at a time. Let’s put Cason on him and make it interesting. And Josh Freeman? Hey buddy, your “I throw a lot of touchdowns and not a lot of interceptions” schtick is getting old. There are more important things than stats when it comes to being a future Hall of Famer. Making weird faces, for instance. Learn to make a funny face, rookie, and then we’ll talk. What, Freeman’s not a rookie? That can’t be right.

Anyway, by my estimation, this season is right on track. It’s another lovely Norvember in San Diego and the forecast calls for Superbowls!

Too much sarcasm? I felt like it was pretty good. Let me know, I could use the validation. Thanks for coming. Go Bolts!!!

* Personally, I find that if I’m getting bored while reading a blog entry but it’s written by a friend so I feel obligated to finish it, I’ll go look at porn between paragraphs to break up the monotony. Feel free to do that if this post sucks; I won’t take it personally. It sometimes takes me three or four days to read CJ’s posts and I’m sure he’s cool with that.

** Apparently, we also played the Browns.

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Killing Coaches and Predicting Games

Today on the radio another couple of our local sports –I don’t even know the proper title for these people is! Sports journalists? Sports clowns?-anyway, these jerks who inexplicably get paid to talk about sports were discussing whether Philip Rivers was what those in the industry call “a coach killer,” a la Michael Vick who originally took down Jim “Not Jr. because he has a different middle name than his dad and how stupid is that?” Mora and is now gunning for a guy with more lives than any cat named Norv, Andy “Goes to the play-offs for the people watching” Reid. Anyway, I guess some blog decided to ask this question about whether Philip was the same kind of problem instead of asking why he only has one “L” in his name and that got the local guys talking because professional sports whatevers know that blogs are stupid unless you are desperate for material and not, by nature, very creative. Well, that’s a great question, allow me to answer it. There is only one coach killer in this town and he is the guy carrying the clipboard and calling the plays and getting ignored by Rivers on the sideline and it says “Norv Turner – Head Coach” on his door. As long as that guy is around he doesn’t stand a chance. Unless you count the fifty-seven or so chances he’s already had.  You cannot go and give Norv all the credit for Philip’s development and then not place the blame on him when Philip regresses. End of story. Rivers may yet be salvageable. Norv can never be fixed. Next question.

Who will win tonight’s game you ask? Well, duh. The Chargers will win the game. Ask anybody and they’ll tell you there’s no way we lose to the Chiefs. They have the worst record in the league. What’s that you say? Two of our last three games were lost to teams with the worst record in the league at the time? Man, you’re just living in the past. You have to look forward, people. Except for that time that Norv won those playoff games. Never forget that. That’s who we really are. Anyway, the local media is all, “Well clearly we suck, but obviously we’ll beat the Chiefs for some reason,” and who am I to argue with them. They have predicted the demise of this team only a mere handful of years too late. That’s why they make the big bucks. That’s why I don’t question them. That’s why we will decimate the Chiefs tonight.

KC 27, Bolts 13.


Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Week 8 Premature Evaluation...

It's time yet again for the weekly Premature Evaluation. As always, each team is graded on a pass/fail basis, unless of course I feel like being more of a dick. With the way the Chargers have been playing lately, expect some vitriol. More so than usual. Or the same amount, I can't really tell anymore. MOUNT UP! It means get on your horses...
1.  Giants (5-2). They showed a photo of Eli mourning the flooding in his lobby on the internets this morning. Storm 1. Giants 0. Somehow the storm will wind up losing this battle in the end. Pass. 
2. 49ers (5-2). I seriously don’t know how you are still here. You destroyed the hapless Cardinals in the second most boring game of the week. Possibly ever. Seriously, beating the Cardinals is more a requirement than accomplishment anymore. Oh, and I hate your faces. Pass. B. 
3. Falcons (7-0). Really? 7-0? Really? …sorting though schedule….Dallas? How have you managed to stay under the radar with this schedule of yours? There hasn’t been a tough game on it. Obviously it was you and Houston in a threesome with the schedule guy. You may not lose a game until week 15 by the looks of it. You’ll still not be the top seed but you could be 13-0. Pass. C+.
4.  Packers (4-3). I thought Jacksonville might actually be giving you a game. Then, I saw Aaron Rogers wearing an eye patch frolicking in the background of press photos on the sideline. I see what you’re up to. And I don’t like it one bit. Here’s to hoping someone slips some razor blades in your Halloween cheese curds. Pass. C. 
5. Patriots (5-3). Oh. Just. Fuck. You. I hope Gronkowski blows out both his Achilles. Or that someone hides under his car and slashes them shredded with a rusty bayonet. That totally happens everywhere, it’s true! Pass. C. 
6. Texans (6-1). Try as I might, I just don’t have anything really awful to say about you. Maybe Jerry Jones will buy the team and turn it into the second biggest laughing stock in Texas. We can only be so lucky.  
7. Bears (6-1).  You know, Jay Cutler is a miserable fucktard of a human. There isn’t an ounce of doubt in me that servers around the country have put unmentionable bodily fluids and excrement in his meals. If you haven’t, email me. I have some wonderful ideas. Pass. C+. 
8. Ravens (5-2). Took a week off from the freefall. You’ll likely take another with Cleveland on the schedule. Unless of course you’re us and then, well, feel free to resume the plummeting accordingly. 
9. Broncos (4-3). The only way we catch you to win the division this year is plane crash. Even then it might be difficult for us. Don’t mistake that for me not wanting your plane to crash. Totally rooting for plane crash. Pass. B. 
10. Seahawks (4-4). Better do something about that offense or the suicide rate in Seattle will double. Wait. It can’t double can it? Then everyone would be dead. Fail. F.    
11. Steelers (4-3). Everyone hated your uniforms last week. Me? Not so much. Thought you looked like angry super mutant bionic bees. The thought of a bionic mutant super bee seems super scary as shit. Pass.  
12.Dolphins (4-3). Of course you get an A this week and you even slide into 3rd place in the oh so important “Teams I’m likely to root for” category by making the Jets look stupid. Again. Thank you very much. A. A+. A+. 
13. Vikings (5-3). God dammit. You seem so close to taking the next step and being a good team every week and then you go and fucking blow it. Aim for something higher than mediocrity you assholes. Fail. F. 
14.  Lions (3-4). It should have been you Detroit. Not New York. Sandy missed the target. Thankfully, New York was an okay place to make landfall as well. Pass. Barely.
15. Redskins (3-5). I want to so badly try to like you because of this Griffin character. Yet, Shanahan then goes and tries to get him killed. You are the Broncos of the east, and no less hateable. I’d wish something awful upon you but you have to live in D.C. That’s punishment enough. Fail. F.  
16. Saints (2-5). I remember when you were a good team. Strangely, the fans of this town have rekindled the Brees vs. Rivers debate and everyone has reconvinced themselves we made the wrong choice. Again. I’m pretty sure that debate was buried along with the waterlogged corpses in 2005. Fail. F. Fail.  
17.  Cowboys (3-4). The only thing that keeps me from completely hating you is the fact that your failures are so epically comical that I can’t help but explode with laughter at your misfortune. It’s fucking hilarious. Keep up the good work. Fail. But an A+ for Fail. 
18. Eagles (3-4). You continue to be Chargers East, strangely with more talent, but not more success. I will fucking burn your town with acid fire guns for letting Andy Reid escape alive if we hire him. Fail. F.  
19.  Rams (3-5).  Way to travel across the ocean to put on that display of Fail in front of a bunch of limey prick assholes. Actually, nice work, the limeys deserve that. They gave us soccer. Fail. F. 
20. Colts (4-3). You’re pretty overrated and it’s because everyone wants you to have a new lily white quarterback that will lead you back to the promised land. Hype machine overload! You know it’s bad when the talking heads think 8-8 is a success. Struggling to beat the Titans in overtime is evidence of your shittiness. Hell, we beat the shit out of the Titans! Suck it Luck. F. Fail. 
21. Bucs (3-4). One week it’s the Vincent Jackson show, the next Doug Martin. You are a fantasy dream! Thankfully, it’s only a dream. Pass. B.  
22. Cleveland (2-6). Get fucked Cleveland. I take back nothing of what I’ve said about you. Everything about you is terrible in the pedophile kind of way. I hope you wind up in jail. Pass. C-. 
23. Bengals (3-4).  Try to do something useful and not suck shit through a straw Sunday would ya? Crap. Like you’re actually capable of that. Fuck you. 
24. Cardinals (4-4).  Man, are you terrible. Your record is starting to indicate it as well. Better get Warner on the phone to re-up with Satan, because the pot obviously needs to be sweetened. Fail. F. 
25. Chargers (3-4). You’re still here? I was hoping the Spani would have pulled up the moving vans and taken this wagon train of shitsuckery up to L.A. by now. I’m not so lucky I guess. Surely you’ll stomp the Chefs this week won’t you? WON”T YOU??! You better you fucking useless assholes. You’re fucking worthless. If you don’t know why by now that makes you even more fucking worthless. You’re about as useful as the condom in Tebow’s wallet. FAIL. There isn’t a grade low enough for you. 
26. Titans (3-5). I hate you. Die. Fail.    
27. Bills (3-4). I hate you more. Die. Fail.  
28 . Jets (3-5). If it were a real thing, I’d do anything I could to contribute to global warming so that every hurricane would land on your head. Fail. 
29. Panthers (1-6). Freshman fifteen, leads to sophomore slump, leads to everyone gets fired. Sadly, Steve Smith is keeping his composure. Man I hope he let’s loose in that locker room and people get hurt. Someone please keep a cell camera at the ready. Fail. 
30. Raiders (3-4). Congratulations. You beat the Chefs. But we still hold a slim tiebreaker over you for second place in the div.. oh fuck it. Pass. We’re the inept ones now. I keep forgetting. But the team keeps reminding me. 
31. Chiefs (1-6). God. If we lose to you so help me…Fail. 
32. Jaguars (1-6). I can barely laugh at you anymore. You’d probably give us a game. Not likely but maybe. But shit. Probably. Fail. 
Something has been bothering me lately and I cannot for the life of me understand why or what the fuck is going on. I hear it and see it everywhere. "BOLT UP!".  What the fuck does BOLT UP! mean? I mean, I've been a Charger fan longer than is advised by many doctors and I've never really heard this until the last few years, and yet the meaning is totally fucking lost on me. Anyone? BOLT UP!. Anyone? I've got nothing. So anyway, listen here dickheads, all you sorry excuses for football players, coaches and management that don the lightning bolt logo weekly pretending to be Chargers.  Listen really closely.  WIN A GOD DAMNED GAME. WIN IT IMPRESSIVELY. STOP ACTING LIKE PUSSY TEENAGERS ABOUT TO START THEIR PERIODS. OH, AND MANAGEMENT, IF AND WHEN BY SOME FUCKING MIRACULOUS ACT OF PHYSICS AND RELIGION COMING TOGETHER IN SOME SORT OF HOLY PAIRING THIS SORRY FUCK ASS GROUP OF COCKDRAGGERS BEATS THIS SORRY TEAM, FIRE EVERYONE ANYWAY! DO IT! STOP SUCKING AT LIFE.