Wednesday, December 26, 2012

So That's How It's Gonna Be, Football?

It's the day after Christmas and by all accounts AJ and Norv have not yet cleaned out their offices so either Santa didn't get my letter or Dean had him shot down over Ottawa. Ottawa because Ottawa is fun to say, and even just to read, but go ahead and read it out loud. Ottawa. Anyway, every moment that Dean does not fire these assholes is another minute he's telling the fans that he gives not a shit about us. When he fires them he will do so resenting the fans, knowing that without our pesky complaining he could leave these guys in charge until he finally gets his stadium in L.A. If only there was no one to answer to! In the meantime, he's going to make us as miserable as he feels for having to regard us in any way, shape or form. We are not billionaires! Why can't we just shut up and take it?! Don't we know who he is?!!!

Well, we did beat the Jets on Sunday. At least I'm pretty sure we did. I wasn't paying much attention, because I was busy watching my fantasy football team choke away the championship. Can you guesshow many TDs the following group of guys accumulated on Sunday? AJ Green, Cecil Shorts, Adrian Peterson, Doug Martin and Greg Olsen? Zero! Goose egg! Nada! Do you know how many TDs I needed out of that group to take the title, the money and to get my name on the trophy? One! Just one TD from a group of guys who've mostly been juggernauts all season! But no, instead I had to watch my season go down in flames at the hands of Drew Brees, who I didn't think I could hate more than I already did. Just goes to show, you can't count on anything.

But hey, the Chargers won.

Totally handled the lowly Jets and their 3rd string QB. And do you know why they won? No, it's not so that AJ could somehow have his job saved (although I don't care what Acee says, that is most definitely still on the table). It's because I have a $10 bet out there that the Jets would be better than the Chargers, with the head-to-head being the tie-breaker. Now I need the Chargers to lose to the Raiders and the Jets to beat whoever or I'll be out in that regard as well.

My point is, football was so out to get me this year.

Friday, December 21, 2012

I Am Amazing!

So, however many years ago it was-seems like a thousand-that the Chargers fired incompetent playoff loser Marty Schottenheimer a lot of people were asking me who I thought we should hire as the coach of the Chargers. My answer to that was first and foremost, Jim Mora. Jim Mora, whose career in Atlanta was killed by Mike Vick, much like Andy Reid's with the Eagles is presently being killed. Jim Mora, who never got a shot in Seattle because look how shiny Pete Carroll is! Anyway, I'd say Jim Mora and Charger fan would say, "Oh my God you're so stupid" and roll their eyes because Charger fan sucks and then the organization went and hired incompetent every day loser Norv Turner instead. Then, through all the years Turner was busy nice-guying our team into the abyss and backing us away from the edge of the pool of success until we were buried under old barcalounger cushions in the poolhouse of failure, people would say, "Well who would you rather have? There is no one in the world who can do the job better than Norv Turner, so let's all stay the course like a bunch of dumb assholes." And I'd say, "Jim Mora's out there," and everybody'd roll their eyes and say, "You're an asshole! Jim Mora sucks because ESPN said so" or some such dumb bullshit.

You're probably wondering where I'm going with this. I'll tell you. A lot of talk is going on about the next Chargers coach and guess whose name is being bandied about quite a bit? That's right, Jim Mora you jerks! Suck it. I pray that this happens. Sure, he's getting the keys to a Datsun parked where our Porsche used to be, but I still think he would make all the haters and Norv apologists look as stupid as they are. I can't wait. I'm working on creative new ways to say "I told you so" already.

Monday, December 17, 2012

It's Only Gonna Get Worse

If you'd like to know why the Chargers have thus far refused to remove Norv Turner and AJ Smith from their current positions as Ambassador of Suck and Emperor of Poor Decision-Making, look no further than the number one requisite for any team with an intention to move to Los Angeles:

1. A team has to establish market failure where it now plays.

That's from Peter King's column this morning and is basically straight from the mouth of Roger Goodell. It doesn't get any clearer than that. Now, I've explained countless times why this is important to the NFL, but let me refresh your memories one more time. In the modern era of football, every time an NFL team has ditched their town for GREENer pastures against the wishes of a rabid fanbase, that fanbase has eventually been rewarded with an expansion franchise. Baltimore, Cleveland, Houston are your prime examples of this. The main reason is that these teams continue to have national appeal, undeniable history and beloved rivalries. The Chargers have none of that. As fans, we think our enmity with the Raiders, Broncos and Chiefs is a big deal, yet I assure you no one else in the country gives a damn. Not only do Goodell, Spanos and all the other interested parties have their hearts set on all that sweet L.A. TV revenue, the NFL wants to erase the City of San Diego from the football landscape. They want to be able to say, "You fans didn't care about the team you had when it was there. You couldn't sell out games. Why should we award a new franchise to a bunch of fairweather front-runners like you, San Diego?" Forget that we were given a team not even a mother could love at this point. Sure, the NFL would just as happily erase Oakland or Jacksonville from the NFL landscape, and one of those teams is likely to come along to Los Angeles with us, but right now we make the most sense because football fans are constant founts of denial. It won't take much for Angelinos to convince themselves that the Chargers are a CALIFORNIA team or to remind themselves that the Bolts originated in Los Angeles. If and when it happens, don't bother consoling yourselves by assuming the NFL will make it up to us with a shiny new franchise. But you can at least take heart in the fact that we never really had a chance. The deck was stacked against us as fans the day Spanos acquired the team.

You may think I'm crazy, but watch who they hire to run this show. I'm guessing it won't be any of the guys the fans pine for. No Gruden. No Cowher. Not even Brian Billick. It will be some place holder college coach that AJ can pay a mere pittance to until it's time to jettison him and build his L.A. fanbase by hiring John Gruden. L.A. will love Gruden.

As always, I hope I'm worng.

Sunday, December 09, 2012

The Boy Who Cried Wolf...

Well, well, well. For the second year, here we sit debating the Chargers merits or lack there of. For the second year, we balance precariously on the precipice of the future of this team and staff. For the second year it appears as if we've finally rid ourselves of the albatross, the elephant in the room, the 800 pound gorilla. For the second year, Kevin Acee says it so. Rejoice! Rejoice! Huzzah! We're free! 

Enter Dean, the boss, the owner's owner. Hold your horses he says. Not so fast he says. He's made no decisions about the future of the Chargers, the Norv Turner era, or the Godfather's seemingly endless reign. NO. You are not set free. Speculate all you will, but the elephant in the room and the 800 pound gorilla just sat down at the poker table and they've just anted up, the albatross tending bar. Get comfortable. It's going to be a long night.

Enter Kevin Acee. He swears the new era begins now. Forgive me for a moment Kevin. Didn't you say just this same thing last year? Didn't you? Quote, December 31, 2011 

"Norv Turner, the man whose winning percentage is tied as the highest among the 14 head coaches the Chargers have ever employed, is all but certain to be fired next week."

Hmmm. Forgive me for pointing out the obvious, but you got our hopes and dreams all atwitter last season's end. You virtually guaranteed that we would be freed of all things Norv last season. And now the sour grapes because you are sourcing an unnamed source within the organization that is feeding you the same info you were clearly misled by last season, nearly exactly one calendar year ago. Forgive me if your column does not incite the amount of optimism you would like amongst us "angry villagers" (Thanks Nick! You're the best!). Perusing your archives is an exercise in inconsistency. In June you wrote, "A.J. Not Going Anywhere Even With Playoff Miss." In September, you wrote that left tackle is unimportant to the Chargers. And then there's THIS. This. To paraphrase, A.J. gave Norv the players. The free agents are can't miss. How about a direct quote? 

"I'm writing this now because I believe general manager A.J. Smith has in last month’s free agency spree and this weekend’s draft, finally done his part and at least rebuilt the engine on the Ferrari."

Do you hear that? The engine on the Ferrari has been rebuilt. Sigh. That Ferrari must have been rebuilt in that one mechanic's shop in Chula that uses cut rate parts scavenged from stolen vehicles just the other side of the border. The Ferrari started up, drove out of the garage, and the wheels came off, drifted down the street and the engine exploded in a fiery ball of suck.

So forgive me Mr. Acee if I'm not sold on your claim that things are going to change yet again. Especially when the owner of the team discounts your statements and dismisses them wholeheartedly. Mind you, I'm really excited about the prospect of this event finally occurring. Unlike Nick Canepa, I'm not afraid of moving forward and distancing ourselves from this era. The fear of moving forward is no reason to stick with a status quo that has clearly demonstrated time and time again that it will not be successful, but it has done so demonstrably year after year and the team has been trending downward since the Norv era began. You can make the claims of playoff appearances and division wins, and the overall record of the team during Norv's tenure, but you'd be manipulating the statistics to suit your argument. This era has been nothing short of disaster. How about some numbers? 2012. 4-8. 35-24. 4th & 29. Those are some telling numbers. 

So, as we meander on down the 2012 death march, we can only hope that Acee is right this year. I think he'll be partially proven correct. In no way can I see the Norv era continuing. I could see it if attendance wasn't suffering so badly. Even Dean understands that he needs to reconcile things with the fans. So, exit Norv. But, I'm still not willing to concede that A.J. goes. Why have someone else groom the son of the owner for that eventual rise to the head of football operations position currently occupied by the Godfather? Why not let the Godfather play out his contract and groom his successor? I just don't see him going. Not yet. I truly hope I'm wrong. But alas, we here at this blog have been correct more than incorrect as of late. Blah. 

So. we slog on. Pittsburgh today. 0-13 regular season record there. Ben back at the helm. Our awful offensive line further decimated by injury. Things are not looking up. 

Pittsburgh 24. Chargers 6. 

Go Bolts. 

Monday, December 03, 2012

So, Maybe You'd Like to Talk About the Chargers Instead?

Fine, let's talk about it. Let's talk about yesterday's game. Like the rest of San Diego's law abiding populace I was unable to watch the game in it's entirety. Thanks to the glory of the Red Zone Channel, though, I was afforded the opportunity to watch many of the very worst parts.

The story is the same as it ever is. Here's some highlights.

  • The defense played well enough to keep us in the game while the offense committed blunder after insufferable blunder to keep the win safely out of reach.
  • Rivers choked it up in the redzone...again.
  • Mathews continues to confound Norv Turner being that Mathews was never on the Cowboys of the 90s, therefore he does not appear to even be in Norv Turner's playbook.
  • Terrible clock management at the end of the game resulted in 4 failed attempts at the end zone when there was plenty of time and timeouts to run an actual offense and not just a desperate gambit.
And Norv Turner is still our coach. And AJ Smith is still our GM. And I suppose you could say it's because we are not mathematically eliminated from postseason play and that stranger things actually have happened, but never before have I been so certain this team has already left town. At least in spirit. I've said this before and I'll say it again. There are only two possible explanations for the inaction of ownership at this point.

A) Spanos is actually a complete moron who is completely unable to see what's right in front of his face. He's too stupid to understand that he is being played by his GM while fielding a dying product year after year. This is an attractive explanation for San Diego fans. I guarantee you that most fans think Dean is an idiot. But the guy's a billionaire, and while he may have inherited much of that from his dad, he's been running the show for a long time now and continues to make money for giving you nothing. I think the guy is more criminal mastermind than bumbling Mr. Bean.

B) Spanos has an end game in mind. He may not ultimately get there, but he is keeping his eye on the prize and the prize is Los Angeles (yuck!) and it's $Billion+ in TV revenue. This is what the NFL wants too. And both parties know that if the organization fields a winning or even likable team, that the City of San Diego is unlikely to let them go quietly. They could still bail out as others have done before them, but the last thing the NFL wants to do is award San Diego-a smaller market admittedly fair weather fanbase-another franchis like they had to do with those other towns where the team left against the will of the people. The NFL wants to erase this market. And sure, it wants to erase Jacksonville and probably Oakland too, but we are ideal. L.A. will embrace this team. They will justify it by remembering that the Chargers were born in L.A. and L.A. fans already adore living in the past. Jettison Norv and insert John Gruden and you've won that town over with very little effort. Of course, the Raiders are also ideal, which is why they will probably end up in L.A. right along with Dean and Co. Then the Chargers will probably get thrown to the Lions in the NFC.

The one fortunate circumstance for us the fans is that Norv has been so Norvlike that Dean is going to probably have to let him go or risk personal bodily injury. The unfortunate is that people continue to bandy about Andy Reid's name. And Reid's Eagles are currently vying with Norv's Chargers and a handful of other misfit toys for next year's first draft pick. Hardly feels like an upgrade. If it happens, ask yourselves which makes more sense. A or B?

Sunday, December 02, 2012

Don't Even Think About It, Shark!

A 61 year-old Oregon man was bitten by a Tiger Shark while snorkeling in Hawaii over the weekend and that is not okay with me. No, shark! Bad shark! We are in charge! People! You cannot just be going around eating or even sampling people as if it is not a bid deal. I assure you it is a very big deal, so just don't. And tell all the bears as well, because bears are just awful at following rules. Even the most simple rules, like "Don't Eat People." That's one very simple to interpret rule. It's not the tax code.

All that being said, people need to stop going places where things might eat them. There is no good reason to be in the ocean ever. Shut up, surfers! You do not even get to give an opinion, because only surfers have ever told a reporter that yes, they had seen the Great White Shark swimming around all week AND ACTING AGGRESSIVELY, but were surprised that it actually made the uncouth decision to eat one of them. That statement renders everything else you say invalid, surfers! If I saw a Great White shark swimming around the first thing I'd assume is that it is town to eat people and it's not leaving until it's eaten it's fill...of people! I watch Shark Week in the mirror from another room, just to be safe. So quit going in the ocean. There's nothing there for you. It's dark and scary and not even heated! Nobody has ever been eaten by a shark in their swimming pool. I just asked Siri to be sure and she said she didn't understand the question, presumably because the idea of someone getting eaten by a shark in their pool is preposterous!

Also, never go in the woods! Never! That's where bears are! Do you know anything about bears? Let me fill you in on a fun fact about bears. They don't always eat people, but when they do, those people are almost always being eaten alive. No joke. Look up bear attacks online and be amazed and horrified by how regularly people are on the phone with their loved ones delivering all the grizzly details of the terrifying death they are involved in at the time. See what I did there with the word grizzly? Classic punnage. Bears are cocksuckers. Here's a free pro tip for all you stupid people that can't wait to go camping and won't shut up about it on the Facebook. If your campground has a sign that says 'Don't feed the bears' or please secure your food so bears won't get it' then you should leave. Because that is a strong indicator that there might be bears around. Bears love woods, so don't go there. I cut down the tree in my front yard because I was concerned that it sent a message to bears that I want them to come around and hang out in front of my place and try to resist the urge to eat me. That's a losing proposition.

Never go to Australia. Everything in Australia will kill you. You've probably heard this. You've probably joked around with your friends about how things in Australia will totally fuck you up, but stop joking. It's serious. Everything there will kill you! Here's a short list of things in and around Australia that will kill you:

1) Sharks
2) Box Jellyfishes (Ugh, fuck box jellyfishes!!!)
3) Funnel Web Spiders
4) Crocodiles
5) Black Mamba Snakes
6) Serial Killers
7) Probably some sort of colorful frog

It took me 8 seconds to come up with those off the top of my head and there are a million more. England or some European country originally populated Australia with all of their criminals because they were like, this place is worse than a prison. It is full of shit that will kill you. Let's put these assholes here and never speak of this place again. Every dumb teenager goes "Oh, I want to go to Australia and smoke a bunch of weed" and they should because teenagers are the worst and probably should go to Australia and get devoured by some horrible man-eating weed, but if you make it past being a teenager, just cross it off of your list unless you have some crazy death wish.

Here's some other places you should avoid:

1) The Arctic -Polar bears, Wolves (fucking wolves, dude!)
2) Hawaii-Duh, sharks and volcanoes!
3) West Virginia-Mutant cannibal rednecks (the worst besides teenagers)
4) Remote Private Islands-Sadistic Billionaires who want to hunt the deadliest game

Pretty much if you leave your home or office you are just asking nature to bitchslap you with a horrible death. Don't do it.

Bengals 27, Bolts 13