Sunday, December 31, 2006
We got some snow while I was there and I even got to shovel the walk! Most people look at you like you’re crazy if you tell them you “got to” shovel the walk, but if I only have to do it once every thirty years I consider it a treat.
Boy, Minnesota is truly a land of wonder. They have this sport here called Hockeyball. What a hoot! They don’t actually use a ball at all. Instead, grown men smack around a hard plastic Ding-Dong, trying to get it into a net, or “goal” as they call it. The “goal” is guarded by a man inexplicably dressed like Jason Vorhees.
But that isn’t even the craziest part! The players wear skates and the entire game is played on ice. Ice! They don’t even use a natural surface! What the-? I think the sport originated in Canada, which explains a lot. Anyway, it’s pretty exciting stuff, and I recommend catching a Hockeyball game if the show visits your town. It’s not as exciting as some of the other Northern Sports, like Curling or Ice-fishing, but they have their own league and with the proper backing the sport could one day be as popular as Soccer here in the U.S. Fun fact: Did you know that in other parts of the world they call Soccer “Football?”Weird.
I’ll get back into football soon enough, but I don’t have much to say right now. I wasn’t able to catch the Bolts playing Seattle, but from the two highlights I saw, it looks like Phillip Rivers had his best day ever! CJ and I will be at today’s game to ring in the New Year in style. Against Arizona. Okay. Well, a game is a game, and we seem to make them all pretty exciting nowadays, so I’m pretty jazzed. As for the rest of you, Happy New Year, and I hope you all got everything you wanted for ChristmaHannuKwanzaa. Go Bolts!!!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
So, I embarked on the task this week of filling in for the immortal Max Colossus on this weeks Inside Wasting an Hour of my Time in front of the television. Needless to say this will be both my first and last time doing this. I need to go and watch about three hours of streaming pornography to erase that image of horror that was burned indelibly into my brain. Thanks Max, hope you get home safe asshole.
The Hour of Hell starts off with a round table of why the young quarterbacks suck now, with Eli being the focus. Carter thinks it's bad management and coaching. Dan, mentions Mike Vick, certainly not what I'd call young anymore, but the coaches are using him all wrong. They should go 5 wide, use Vick as the running back and totally spread the field. That sounds good I'll have that. At the same time, he says they can't be a running team. Good one Dan. Bob comments that Vick has the greatest arm ever, and he can run, why can't he be good? I've got the answer. He's not good. Period. Moving on, this is already boring me.
Let the highlights begin!! Oh, and it seems that this is ridiculous quote week, so remember that...
VaGiants v. Saints
Starting with a Tiki love festival the Giants jump out in front on their first possession. "They can't play with us." anonymous coach declares to Big Blue. Onslaught of the Saints as they go marching up and down and up and down and up and down the field again. "Keep fighting, you never know!". Yeah, I know. The highlights suggest this was closer than the 30-7 score. KEEEP FIIGGHTING!!!
Cowgirls v. Iggles
Ahhh Cheerleaders! Maybe this isn't so bad after all... oh no. It is. Garcia to somebody, Romo sucking, T.O. complaining about not being the centerpoint of the world. 23-7 Igs.
And now, we're back to the round table for more tear inducing drivel. It's question time...
Is the league catching up to Tony Romo?
Marino says 4998 words about something but none of it seems to say anything other than yes. Cris says that the same thing has happened to Phillip Rivers. I don't see it but, hey, I like them. So what?
Is the NFC the worst conference in a long time?
Carter says yes, and the Rams deserve the playoffs more than the Giants. Well, that should get them to the postseason. Deserving it dammit!
Cris, the other one, says that Cincy and Jacksonville deserve it too. He runs off set crying saying something about remembering the Ice Bowl. Poor Cris.
Jacksonville v. Patriots
Mo Jones Drew and Fred Taylor are the SIS. Poor curse lives on. Despite MJD's great game and insightful commentary into his uni mike, they have no answer to America's New Posterboy for all that is infallible Tom Brady. MJD says, "We can't go out like that yo!". Uhh, yeah you can MJD. You sure can. Pats 24-21.
Pittsburgh v. Ravens
The highlights, well, highlight, was that the "Ravens offense was efficient as usual." Let the ridiculous quotes roll in boys, I've got all night...
The Fantastic Flaming Four are now couchbound for another awful brainstorming session. Dan declares that the Pats are for real. Yeah, in their piss poor division with Reche Caldwell. Good Luck! Carter bends down and goes sixty nine on an inflatable anatomically correct Steve McNair, with his mouth full he says the Ravens are the most dangerous team in the AFC. I ignore the Charger smiting. Dan likes the Pats again due to their playoff experience. Mr. McNair hates Marty and all but guarantees that the "Bad Playoff Coach" will rear his head yet again. Bob reiterates that Marty has changed his stripes. Mr. McNair says the trick plays, the fumblerooskie to McNeil particularly are cute, but not enough. I don't know too many teams that execute the fumblerooskie with their rookie tackle, but if we did that, I assure you I was drunk and missed it. Dan doesn't want to overlook the San Diego Defense. Once again, a lot of words with nothing being said. I'm going to go headbutt nails for fun.
The cover story this week, Richard Seymour and his gun toting dad. Sorry for your loss Mr. Seymour. But 6 minutes of my life that I'm never getting back is on your head.
It's more round table with idiots. Dan likes Jay Cutler. He's coming along nicely. Cris says that they will struggle against the Pats if they meet in the playoffs. Carter wants people to stop throwing at Champ Bailey, and completely ignores the fact that they were talking about Jay Cutler. All of them pick Denver this week against the Niners.
Bob wants to know if there is any chance the Raiders can go on the road and beat the Jets and knock them from the playoffs. Carter says the Raiders are already on vacation, and that he doesn't like the Jets, but he's picking them to win. I feel so fulfilled.
Back to the highlights!!!
Denver v. Bengals
Cris was instructed to look away prior to the film running. Cutler proves he is able to throw screen passes against an awful secondary. Apparently Jevon Walker's nickname is "J-Walk", that at the very least should be a penalty if not a violation of a city ordinance. While the Bengals get in and need a PAT to tie, an assistant asks Marv Lewis, "You want to go for two? You want to go for two?" Marv says, "Not really." And you know the rest. By the way, did you know that was the 4th PAT that the Bengals botched this year? I didn't either. 24-23 Shit Ponies.
Buffalo v. Tennessee
It's the Vince Young Show!! Apparently J.P. Losman is talented too, he leads them to a 9 point 4th quarter lead. But, the Vince is too much and Buffalo opts to go for it on 4th down, down by 1, instead of a 45 yard field goal. Nice call coach. Ladies and Gentlemen, Dick Jauron!!
It's King's Corner, Party time... ah fuck it...
It's the draft this week with Detroit barely edging Oakland for the #1 spot right now. Of the Seniors coming out this year he likes Brady Quinn at #1, but if Juniors come out, it might be JaMarcus Russell from LSU. Cool. Tell me Pete, who do the Chargers get at #32?
Oh, and a bunch of coaches will be gone. Denny Green, Jim Mora, Jr, Tom Coughlin needs a miracle, Cowher has his way no matter what, Al Davis is old and insane but Art Shell might still be coach next year, Romeo Crennell is gone, and the Cowgirls make no change. I hate this show.
(Save your comments, I know she's not that hot and her boobs are crooked, but her bikini says "End Zone" right where the end zone is. It's all Max's fault for me having to do this, remember that)
Fuck this is neverending...
Chiefs v. Oakland
It's the NFL Network SIS. They are taking the "Angry L.J." angle and want to get shots of him pissed off on the field. Nothing like stirring up the pot a bit huh boys? Oakland sucks. Chiefs 20-9.
Oh, it's Tee Off time, it's a holiday theme, predictions for the year 2007...
"Will Bill Cowher be back?"
Carter says no. Dan says no. Another minute of my life wasted.
"Who will coach and Quarterback the Dolphins?"
Both Dan and Carter think Saban and Culpepper, until it's not Saban or Culpepper. The insight is outstanding.
"Where will Randy Moss be in 2007?"
Carter has a spot on his high school team and Dan has no idea and declines to answer by staring into the lights.
"Who will coach the Giants next year?"
Carter likes Parcells once the new GM takes over, and Dan likes Coughlin. My time really isn't this precious guys.
"Will Jennifer Anniston find love in 2007?"
Carter says, and I'm not making this up, that, "I can find her some!!"
Dan just shakes his head and mumbles, "OH MAN."
Moving on to the only relevant thing thus far...
Chargers v. Seattle
LTD is off and running and only a penalty can stop him. Shawn Alexander did a little, but not enough, and we had a nice reverse angle of Vincent's reception for the win. By the mercy of God, they didn't mention Phillip and Nick taking snaps in the shower to get ready for the rain half naked. Bolts 20-7.
Green Bay v. Vikings
Farve is miked up for what might be his last game at Lambeau. The only relevant thing I heard was his question, "What the hell is our problem?". Brett, I don't have enough paper to list them all. Green Bay 9-7 in a barnburner.
Finally, it's SAY SOMETHING!!!!
Dan: "Six weeks ago I said you'd see Phillip Rivers and Drew Brees in the Superbowl. I still say that." Nice Dan.
Cris: "Phillip Rivers and Rex Grossman against everyone else in the playoffs, it's going to be interesting." Huh. Not what I expected.
Bob: "Steven Jackson is the most underrated back in the league." I might actually agree. He plays for the Rams by the way.
And Carter. Dear Carter, just when you do everything you can to destroy all of your credibility, you do something like this, "I'm the love doctor. If you are traveling this holiday season and you see a soldier, give up your seat on the airplane, let him sit in first class for defending our freedom." Agreed.
That's it from here. I'm glad it's over and I am sure that Max is glad that there will be no more Inside the Minds of Dipshits for 2006. I hope I did this space justice in your absence.
Finally, The Cut. Since I'm pinch hitting this Wednesday, I might as well hit both bits. This week's cut...
All of your companies and mine for making this the most unproductive work week in the history of Corporate America. Idiots. I hope your Crystal on New Year's eve tastes like $1000 urine.
Friday, December 22, 2006
First one- I heard on the radio yesterday a little fact that we in Charger land might enjoy. When we sent She-li Manning to the Giants, we got 3 players in return. Now, with the Gnats praying for a Christmas miracle to get in to the bonus season, and Mr. Mopey looking pretty sad, what about those three players we got for him? They are all three going to the Pro Bowl! Nate Kaeding, Shawne Merriman and Philip Rivers. That is kind of funny.
Second- It's funny to listen to Denver fans lately. I happen to know a few very well, and they have gone from "Broncos rule! Lookout Chargers"... to "Jake is still our man! He's shaking off that funk".... to "well, at least our D is amazing! we never allow any points!" ...and now that Jake has been Jaked, they've been SWEPT by the Chargers, and the D has been in the giving spirit of the season, they hang their hopes on their rookie QB, and ALL of their singing so far is about ONE pass! Yep, they've looked past the turnovers and the Defensive meltdowns and the missing identity running game, and are doing back flips over one pass by their rook. Yes it was a good pass. But it was ONE pass. Oh, and by the way it was against ARIZONA! I'm not saying Cutler will be bad or good, but it's just kind of sad that the Donk fans have been reduced to cheering and talking their talk about one play. One very good friend of mine referenced that pass, and used it to launch this beaut: "cutler showed he has a gun.. so i think we are alright at QB for the next 10+ years. " Ha... Love it. Those Donkey fans say some funny things sometimes.
Anyway, I'll keep this short because our boy MC has been prolific lately and I don't want to push all that too far down the page. Good work, man!
Happy Holidays all- and Thanks to Santa for giving us long time Charger Fans so much to cheer about this season... and let's keep it rolling!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
It’s a Wednesday night party!
With Ma-ri-no in the studio
Better drink some Bacardi!
Lame. This week is the special holiday episode of Inside Paris Hilton’s Scabby Vader (I originally put vadge there, but spell check suggested Vader, and it just seemed to make more sense).
You know what that means don’t you? Neither do I, but the intro warns me to expect some tear-jerking Christmas deal with Hines Ward and I can’t figure out why since there’s no point in trying to jinx the Steelers at this point. Also, Lewis Black is going to do something really funny. That should be priceless.
The Round Table is super festive with the front HD monitor showing a pleasant holiday fire. Costas makes a corny joke about how hot it is and it appears that sadly the producers have stepped in to remind Costas that they hired him to make balloon animals and get back into the tiny car with the other clowns. Straight to our first holiday feel good story about Tank Johnson, his weapons cachet, and his dead bodyguard. Bobby says, “All these athletes are packing heat. What’s up with that?” I believe what he was trying to say was, “All these afflete’s is packin’?! What’s the dizzle?!” Seriously, Bobby’s down, he’s just got a little work to do. Then comes my second favorite thing to happen in this episode. Marino starts talking about how guns have always been a presence in the locker room. Then he points across the table and says, "Cris knows!” Nice, Dan. Nice. Worthless starts to lose it about athletes-and you know he means affletes-with their guns and jewelry and blingo just trying to draw attention. Costas, sensing exactly where Worthless is going, says, “Cris, what do you think?” Cris thinks that players carry weapons to protect themselves and their families from crazy fans.
He totally said that, completely disregarding the fact that a rabid fan is much more likely to shoot the President to get your attention than to actually come after you. The conversation is pretty much everybody talking over each other for a few more minutes and I lost interest so there.
Eagles @ Giants
Antonio Pierce is miked up and interviewed for this one. Give Pierce points for breaking down a play that he totally gets burned on. Take away said points for breaking down a play where he rams his head up a guys butt. No kidding, he says that. Eli sucks, BTW.
Worthless, Marino and Carter hit the easy chairs to talk about some of the upcoming games with playoff implications. I’m pretty sure every game on the list has some implications, so I got a little overwhelmed during this segment. And by overwhelmed, I mean sandwich. What I did gather is that everybody likes Dallas over Philly, due to the quality of Romo’s penis over his first eight starts. Seriously, the entire paid sports world are horny for Romo’s meat. That Romosexual joke is so not for funniness. Sadly, they’re totally digging Garcia as well, but like a friend, you know? Carter likes the Saints over the vaGiants because he thinks Sean Payton is all schemey, but Dan takes the vaGiants cause he wants to gain on Carter in their football pool. They break down Atlanta-Carolina, but I have to be honest, it was the biggest bunch of gibberesh I’ve ever heard. Honestly, though, who cares? That game has about as many playoff implications as I do.
Skins @ Saints
The only highlight in this game was when Jason Campbell, who is the spitting image of a young Dan Fouts, aired out a perfect TD pass to Santana Moss. Nice of Drew Brees to lay down so TBE could get MVP as well.
Jets @ ViQueens
The Jets are a mediocre team in the AFC. The Queenies are a mediocre team in the NFC. How do you think it turned out?
Costas asks the rest of the gang whether teams that end the season with momentum carry it over to the next season even if they miss the playoffs? Weird that no one falls out of their chair to be the first one to say, “Did you see how shitty Miami started the season?” Instead Carter starts talking about the Steelers and how well they’ve been playing. Uhh, playing it a little safe aren’t we, Carter? They did win the last Superbowl is all I’m sayin’. Marino likes Tennessee with VY. Man are sports talkies getting lazy or what? VY? Collinsworth likes Japey and the Bills, but you know he would have said Cutler and the Shit Ponies if he wasn’t thoroughly convinced they were still going to win the big one this year. Sorry Worthless, they’re out.
Here comes a tear-jerker for Christmas. Hines Ward is helping halvsies from South Korea. The thing is, this isn’t a tear-jerker at all, it’s some sort of triumph. Apparently Ward is half African-American, half South Korean. He only lived in SK for a year, I think but am not sure because I thought I took extensive notes, but it turned out to be a grocery list. Anyway, he went back and saw how halvsies were treated poorly and are all dropouts and now he’s helping SK’s halvsy children and basically changing the way the country views these kids. It’s touching. He’s totally better than Angelina Jolie.
Jets @ Colts. Collinsworth likes the Jets. Dan Marino likes the Jets too. If Harrington plays poorly. Otherwise, he likes the Dolphins. His analysis never gets old, even if it is a little predictable at this point.
“How’s the food here, Dan?”
“Great. Except when it’s not.”
Cincy @ Denver. Worthless breaks into a cold sweat when forced to choose between his two greatest loves, JC (No, you sillies, not Jesus. Jay Cutler!) or the Bengals. Unlike Dan, though Chris breaks down and takes a side. He picks the Bengals.Costas and Carter dig in, picking the Shit Ponies because JC can manage games. Worthless cries like a baby and prays to JC (No, you sillies, not Jay Cutler. Jesus Christ!) for forgiveness.
Dallas @ Atlanta
Here’s your SIS curse of the week. Atlanta kicker Marten Anderson is poised to be the all time scoring leader with two more points. Marsden Gunterson stands on the sideline awaiting his chance to leg two more lousy points. After the Cowgirls score a TD, Martian says, “Looks like we have to go down two TDs every week,” proving that he has been paying attention this season. MA finally kicks his field goal, gives his jersey to his kid and cries like a sissy kicker on the sideline. Cowgirls win.
King’s Corner! King’s Corner! Party Time! Excellent!
For what seems like the 27th week in a row, King starts out by talking about which coaches are going to lose their jobs or not. Blah blah, Mora’s gone if he doesn’t go deep in the playoffs because Arthur Blank believed the crap Mora said on the radio was true. So did everyone who’s heard it 100 times now. Big whoop. Saban won’t go to Alabama. Got it. Lame. No more coach shit. Seriously! Now comes the best thing said on this weeks episode. In explaining the Tank Johnson incident, King says the Bears were ready to let go of him because he had a bad friend. The bad friend was the bodyguard who was killed the night after the gun bust. Problem solved! One game suspension. Whew. Think maybe Lovie pulled the trigger? Then King relates that Johnson really impressed the team by writing a ten point list of things he was committed to doing to stay with the team. This list included not owning guns and not owning pit bulls. Awesome. He also agreed-and these are King’s words-to remain “basically” drug free. Double awesome. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say you’ll one day be hearing the words, “Your new Governor, Tank Johnson!”
Bengals @ Colts
A funny little story. I went undefeated on the season in one of my fantasy teams this season. This past weekend was my first playoff game. I had Chad Johnson and Carson Palmer against the Colts’ sorry D and all I needed was ten points to win. I got nine to tie. The tie-breakers in FF on Yahoo! break down like this. 1) Total TDs on the week. We tied. 2) Total points by starting QB. He had Romo. Fuck you, Carson Palmer!
Kansas City @ San Diego Super Chargers
Have I told you lately how much I love this team? TBE rules. Again.
Frisco @ Seattle
Seattle plays better at home, no? No.
So” I just took a “break” to go Christmas shopping and I ‘ve got to admit, I enjoyed that more than I’m enjoying writing this today. I can only imagine how it feels to be reading it. I’ll try to finish this up quickly. Before I do, though, one last thing about my break. Why do you suppose they put the chips at the top of the junk food vending machine? Nothing like a five foot drop to stir up the salt and break the chips down into manageable pieces in there. I love having to pour the last ounce or so of chip pieces into my gullet with an improvised paper funnel. Oh God, I’m a fat bastard.
On with the show already.
This week it’s Costas addressing Danny and Cris.
1) Should Merriman be eligible for Defensive Player of the Year with his steroid suspension? Dan says no, but it doesn’t matter because Jason Taylor is better. Presumably because I am not there to point it out myself, Bobby says that Merriman’s numbers are essentially the same, except for games played, a stat in which Taylor does hold the advantage by four. Crown him! They all end up agreeing that Merriman should not be eligible, but for some reason he’s a go for the Pro Bowl. You guys will have to explain that reasoning to me one day.
2) Who stands in the way of a Chargers Superbowl? The Ravens, Colts or Schottenheimer? The foregone conclusion seems to be Schottenheimer in that for the most part the boys immediately jump to the Chargers’ defense. Marino says a healthy LT gets them to the big one because Carter says Schotty’s a great running coach. Costas says the only worry is that Marty tries too hard too get away from Martyball. I have to agree. Fake punts and fumblerooskies are fun to watch, but they can come back to bite you in the ass. Fuck it, though, they’re fun to watch.
3) Should Garcia get a chance to start somewhere next year? Everybody starts going all crazy to the point that I have no idea what was said, but to give you a clue of the kind of crazy statements flying around, Crissy ends by saying, “Daunte Culpepper will be the Dolphins starting QB next year. End of story.” I disagree. Miami always has a new excuse for starting out poorly, and they’ve already used Culpepper.
4) Joe Cullen, Detroit Lions Assistant Coach, was fined $20,000 for driving through Wendy’s naked. TO was fined $35,000 for spitting on Deangelo Hall. Fair? Carter says, “I don’t know how fair it is, but in the words of Dave Thomas, ‘Where’s the beef?’” Danny says, That’s a pretty “stiff” penalty.” Ladies and gentleman, Inside the NFL, first in boner jokes!
Tampa @ Chicago
Inexplicably, Kalas does some weird soap opera voice over for this game, and while the game did have several twists and turns, the whole thing was pretty annoying. Which one? The game and the voiceover. Sorry Harry. Rex Grossman is going to explode in the playoffs, BTW.
Browns @ Ravens
McNair is determined to stay healthy enough to sink Baltimore in the playoffs.
Round Table Pick’ems.
Do you really care? I don’t.
Lewis Black shows up to put a giant maggot on top of this shit sundae and shines brilliantly with a rendition of Twas the Night Before Christmas that I didn’t even pay attention to, but if you care that much you can probably find it on youtube by this weekend. It sucks, though, and if you look for it, you suck too.
There’s a Say Something segment where nobody says anything but Marino shocks Costas with a trick pen and the re-clowning is complete.
Next week I’ll be in the great Northwest with limited internet access and no HBO access, so you will all get a break from this crap festival. So will I, praise be to Jesus!
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
First off, can someone explain this freakin’ House program to me? I mean, I get it; He’s a crippled doctor who is a great healer despite being a surly misanthrope. The irony is thick with the compelling. He’s addicted to pills and that’s supposed to be a bad thing. Ultimately, he’s a flawed character who one imagines may actually have a heart of gold deep down within. I get all that. I’ve caught about nine episodes of this program over the last year or so, and it seems to follow the same formula. House stumbles upon some crazy seemingly unexplainable ailment. He comes up with several theories and orders up about a bazillion different tests which have got to end up costing his patients about $85 million on average. In the end he figures it out with seconds to spare and saves the day. Hurray! I’ve never seen him lose a patient. He may have, but I have never seen it. On top of that, he consistently pulls a miracle out of his ass. All the fucking time! So my question is… Why does every other doctor in the fucking hospital look at him like he’s a complete nutjob every time he suggests they try some unorthodox treatment or procedure?! Seriously, without fail, even the team of young doctor’s that House assembled himself throw themselves in his way like human roadblocks. I would never let a bunch of throw-in-the-towel whiners like that treat me in real life. If I’m a vegetable and someone wants to shove a ping pong ball into my medulla oblongata because it could offset the Malaysian Scarlett Influenza I acquired from the time I ate baby carrots that had been sprayed with an experimental pesticide in Venezuela, I say have at it. Suck on moral implications you pansies! This show would be so Cut if I were at all invested in it. Also, I'm pretty sure they stole the following promo pick from Scrubs.
Then we’ve got the Carolina Panthers. They would definitely be Cut right now if they hadn’t already cut themselves. What a shitbag team this turned out to be. Seriously, when the performance of a wide receiver is all you can count on, you are fucked as a “team.” Look at the Philadelphia Eagles. They went to three NFC Championship games, when the NFC was decent no less, with nary a wide receiver in sight. In fact, adding a wide receiver to their roster ultimately ruined the team. They’re only beginning to recover. Fortunately for the Panthers, the climb out of the NFC cellar is more like a slight upwards crawl. They better figure out what to do about Delhomme, though. He quietly stunk last year, and this year he’s yelling it from the mountain.
This week’s Cut, though, has to be the marriage of black running back Larry Johnson and black head coach Herm Edwards. I don’t mean to sound racist in the last sentence; I’m referring to a few weeks ago when LJ went on INFL and said that he thrived under Hermy because Hermy was black and only a black coach could understand a black player and thereby effectively coach him. Well, this week LJ lashed out at the KC coaching staff (which is still being led by Hermy) for unimaginative offensive playcalling (LJ is on offense) after our glorious Super Chargers all but dropped kicked the Chiefs out of the postseason picture. Glorious. I wonder if Hermy understands that? In LJ’s defense, though, Hermy has always been kind of like the black Schottenheimer. Still, though.
Good times. Go Bolts!!!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Special teamer, Kassim Osgood!
Big Nate Kaeding!
Bigger Nick Hardwick!
(Old picture, I know. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's Cleo Lemon standing next to him, but Nick doesn't seem to get many photo ops, so this was the best I could do. Sorry about that whole Bob Hallen thing earlier.)
Congratulations on the first of many Phillip Rivers!!
LO Neal! He's a weapon, people!!
Manimal himself, Shawne Merriman!!!
First Down Antonio Gates!!!
And last, but certainly not least, The Best Ever, Ladainian Tomlinson!!!!!
I know there are some alternates as well, but this is what I could find on http://nfl.com/probowl/afc_roster right at the moment. Well done, boys, you all deserve it! Go Bolts!!!
Updated to add that CJ is a meanie. Check his comments if you don't believe me.
"According to the Washington Post, Drug Enforcement Agents suspected that "sums of money" that certain Chargers had sent to China involved steroids smuggling. Officials, however, ended up concluding that the payments were for knockoffs of brand-name athletic shoes that would have been sold in the United States. While the story names no names and cites no sources directly, it says that the DEA turned the case over to the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agency, which declined to make a comment Monday to NBC 7/39, as did a Chargers spokesman. "
At least you can say our players do it with panache. When our guys get pulled over for DUIs, they take bullets. Multiple bullets. Our guys traffic prescription cough medicine. Counterfeit shoes? Par for the course. Just keepin' it interesting. As stated, no names have come out, but I'm putting my money on Gates. That guy's just too likeable. Go Bolts!!!
Monday, December 18, 2006
Get more details at I Don't Like You In That Way.
Some of you may wonder why I'm posting about this chick on this football website. Well, we're also about hot chicks here and we're trying to be a little more overall friendly to other sports as well. Beauty pageanting is totally a sport. And contestant winners often go on to bang football players. This girl's such a righteous hard-partier, I wouldn't be surprised to find out she banged the entire NY Jets special teams squad already. SPECIAL TEAMS! THE NEW YORK JETS! Seriously, bitch is hot.
A controversial standpoint. (from CollegeHumor)
Thanks College Humor. That made my Monday. And now a couple of quick notes on games I remember watching yesterday:
I’ve lately been getting a lot of shit for Cutting Japey Losman earlier this season, and thus far I’ve stuck to my guns regarding my opinion that he is one of the least quarterbacks in the league. Well, it may be time to change my tune and give Japey a second chance. Japey hoisted 3 TDs on a Miami defense that is never at a loss to tell you how super ball bitchin’ they are. That’s a performance that gives someone a modicum of respect in this blogger’s mind. Keep it up and Colossus may go ahead and draw you up a new imaginary contract. Hell, I may even pick you up in my fantasy league to start the championship game. Between performances by Rex Grossman and John Kitna this season, I’m getting about -3 points from that position. How much worse could you be? I hate to ask.
Imagine my surprise to find out yesterday that Jason Campbell is a black quarterback. He throws the ball downfield from the pocket without fear. Ever as much a gunslinger as Brett Favre, and not a single apostrophe, wing-ding or superfluous consonant in his name. This guy was pretty fun to watch and people are starting to ask why Gibbs waiting so long to turn him loose. Of course, now that America knows Campbell is black, people are going to have their theories. Let me go ahead and start us all out. Joe Gibbs is obviously a raging Nazi racist! Either that or he really misses NASCAR. Nazi racist is better copy, so I’ll go with that because if I start going by the laws of journalism like that, people may start referring to me as an actual journalist. Then I can get in to meet with super important people like A.J. Smith and ask him to explain to me again what’s wrong with Donnie Edwards.
Make this bet: Bet your children on Jacksonville to lose your children in a bet on them on any given Sunday. Makes about as much sense as that team, huh? What a bunch of the gays. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
When are people going to start realizing that Detroit and Cleveland make everybody look bad? The only reason anybody ever thought Jeff Garcia was a bad quarterback is because Terrell Owens said he was. Terrell Owens. Seriously. The Eagles may win the division. Don’t go crazy, I didn’t say they were good, I just said they may win that division. Which is in the NFC. Which is not a good place for a division to be located these days.
Nice Job New Orleans. Way to make me look like a retarded fuckhead this weekend. Also, I totally didn’t want to win my football pool this week so thank you for making sure that is unpossible.
Pretty glorious footballing week. Been a string of them this year in San Diego. I hope you all enjoy watching history as much as I do. Go Bolts!!!
Sunday, December 17, 2006
A quick salvo to start the day 7 hours until the pending massacre. Guns and Roses or at least the latest incarnation of the impersonators playing them on tour can suck it. I've been an apologist and a loyalist and they can now suck it. With their "Most Expensive Album Ever Produced" that still hasn't come out even though Axl or "Paxl" as some are calling him now says it's been 14 years of creative genius. Eat me. And, no, I'm probably not going to drive up to L.A. to see them on Wednesday. Fuck you too.
A conversation that I overhead Max Having this morning with regard to our Chargers...
"It's like going into a hand with Aces. You know you have the best hand going in, and, well, I like my chances with Aces."
Not getting the appropriate response to that statement he continued...
"Okay, well I want them then. Bring me your fucking Colts, bring me your fucking Patriots. My football team is better than your fucking football team and my fucking football team is going to beat your fucking football team this fucking Sunday."
Well said Max.
6 Hours and 41 minutes to the slaughter...
Friday, December 15, 2006
Frisco @ Seattle
I’m not even going to bother telling you what I thought the outcome of that game was going to be. I might as well have said Seattle was going to win 100 - 4. The result is the same. I am a retard.
Dallas @ Atlanta
Dallas: C-. Once again showing how much Dallas believes the media hype and mails this one in regardless of the fact that they did the same thing last week and got shit-bombed by the Saints.
Atlanta: B. Mike Vick doesn’t line up in the back field after all, but he’s still a fucking running back.
Falcons 24, Dallas 20
NY Jets @ Minnesota
Jets: B. Chad Pennington is an accurate QB. Even if he can’t throw more than 8 yards at a time.
Queenies: D. Playing like 7-9 could get them into the playoffs. They could be right.
Jets 27, Queenies 16
Cleveland @ Baltimore
Ravens: B-. Looked good enough, but they were playing the Browns.
Browns: C. That Kellen Winslow is a pretty solid TE. Pretty solid ass-bag too.
Ravens 24, Browns 17
Houston @ New England
Patriots: A. It would have been an A+, but it’s not like Houston cares.
Texans: F. Poor Houston. Why did Tom Brady have to pick this week to yell at his players and break up with his girlfriend? He’s mean when he’s pissed.
Pats 31, Tex-Mex 3
Miami @ Buffalo
Dolphins: B. The Dolphins are second half spoilers!
Bills: B+. Nothin’ to spoil here.
Bills 23, Dolphins 20
Pittsburgh @ Carolina
Steelers: A. This team is out to show the world that they could have gone all the way if they had wanted to, but for some reason they didn’t want to.
Panthers: D. This team is out to show the world that everybody is stupid for believing in them.
Steelers 34, Panthers 20
Washington @ New Orleans
Skins: C-. It’s the LaDell Betts show. Cancelled after only half a dozen performances (That’s bad on Broadway).
Saints: A. These guys are starting to give me a chub.
Saints 34, Skins 16
Jax @ Tennessee
Jags: C. If I go with a C, I can’t be too far off. I have no idea with this fucking team.
Titans: B. Vince Young is like the circus. Even when he sucks, he’s fun to watch at least some of the time.
Jags 28, Titans 23
Tampa @ Chicago
Bucs: F. You ready to get out of here? This place is dead anyway.
Bears: B+. Rexy plays just well enough again to seal Chicago’s fate in the post season.
Bears 30, Bucs 6
Philly @ NY vaGiants
Eggles: A. Jeff Garcia will not be denied. TO is pissed.
vaGiants: D. What is it about these NFC East teams and thinking that the media can vote them into the play-offs?
Eggles 27, vaGiants 13
Detroit @ Green Bay
Lions: C. I like garbage time TDs. Do you like garbage time TDs?
Packers: B. Looking good at home. What is this, the Packers of the late ‘90s?
Packers 27, Lions 21
Denver @ Arizona
Shit Ponies: A-. JAY CUTLER HAS HIS BREAKOUT PERFORMANCE…against the Cards.
Cards: C. Rookie QB with 4 TD passes? You guys suck. Great receivers, though. Golf clap.
Shit Ponies 31, Cards 24
St. Louis @ Oakland
Raiders: C-. They gave it away.
Rams: C. They tried to give it back.
Rams 17, Raiders 13
KC @ San Diego Super Chargers
Chiefs: C-. All sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Bolts: A+. Soft? Yeah we’re soft. About as soft as an iron spike. Fuck you, KC! Sorry about your owner, though (And that my friends is as close as I get to class). Oh, and sorry about your QB. You’ll see.
Bolts 30, Chiefs 14
Monday! Monday! Monday!
Cincy @ Indy
Bengals: A. Sure, we could run it up the gut on you all night, but we’re gonna go ahead and bomb it.
Colts: C+. Oh yeah? We can bomb it too. Well, we used to be able to bomb it. Is that Ricky Proehl?
Bengals 41, Colts 20
There it is. Make a mint. Go Bolts!!!
I assume you all read the San Diego UT sports section for Charger info, but in case you don't I'll fill you in. Malcolm Floyd was placed on IR yesterday with an ankle and San Diego State Alum WR Az Hakim was signed to the team. As you probably know, Az brings post season experience (2 Superbowls with the St.Louis Rams) and some pretty impressive speed to the team. This pick-up works especially well for us here at Super Chargers as it will give our Rams fan friend a reason to root for the Chargers rather than be a dickhead.
Also, check out this article* about how Manimal is not afflicted with pain receptors like the rest of us loser sad sacks. We suck. Go Bolts!!!
*Good Article, but Kevin Acee still kind of sucks most of the time.
I wasn't able to watch Inside Ballsack last night because the cable went out in our neighborhood for some reason and I've never been so happy to not have working television in my life. Went out drinking instead and watched Seattle fall apart like a juicy roast turkey. Mmmm. My dreams of a Niner/Bolt Superbowl rematch still have a faint pulse. Wooo! Too bad it's gonna be the Saints.
I did watch INFL on Wednesday night, but I was only marginally paying attention so I couldn't possibly give you a quality summation, and I'm all about quality. I can tell you that the curse lives on, because one of their SISes was about the Cowboys Director of Public Relations or some such shit, and then the Girls went out and got smacked around for four quarters by the soon to be All World Runner-Up New Orleans Saints. The fellas on the show have also started Pimping a Drew Brees/A.J. Smith cage match for the big game and all I'd like to say is "Welcome to the bandwagon, now stop stealing my shit! I know you read this!" I can't wait for the day that Collinsworth rags Danny Boy for being an waffling douche and Marino hits him with a, "Suck it, Worthless!" Come on, Dan, throw me a bone. I'll buy me some Isotoners, or Trimspa, or Nutrisystem, or Gut-be-gone, or whatever diet pill zinger you're schilling these days. I promise.
I also didn't manage to get my picks up here yesterday. If you're curious, I had Seattle to cover the 10 point spread and I was very obviously spanked like a bad, bad monkey. I'll get the rest of my opposite day picking skills up sometime today. In the meantime, suck on this greatness!
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Okay, so where was I going with this? Oh, right! In honor of my deciding to kind of sort of get all fanboy on the team today, I’ve decided to make the Kansas City Chiefs this weeks Cut.
Let’s start out with this piece of shit quote from this piece of shit Kansas City newspaper:
It's a foregone conclusion that when the Chargers' playoff run is finished, so will be Donnie Edwards' time in San Diego. Perhaps most disconcerting is while Edwards has been productive on the field and a pillar in the community, devoting hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars through his foundation and tireless charity work, several other Chargers have embarrassed the organization.-- Kansas City Star
At first glance, It’s hard to argue with anything in the above statement. Donnie Edwards is a good guy and a solid performer that we’ll all be sorry to see gone next season. We have had an exorbitant number of off field problems on this team this season. Gee, Kansas City Star, you sure did nail it. But wait! What’s this part I glossed over the first time around?
“when the Chargers' playoff run is finished”
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you, KC Star! You are shit eating bastards and you are dead to me. Not that I was a reader of you’re stupid newspaper anyway. Now, check out this article form some guy named Eric Kay from something called SPiN on Sports that appears to be affiliated with CBS Sportsline and maybe Maxim magazine or some such bullshit. Maxim sucks. Did you know that magazine’s like Maxim in other countries show boobs? Maxim US sucks. Anyway, the gist of this ass tick’s article is that Larry Johnson is having a more impressive year than TBE. This, of course, is just some bullshit paid ballsucker’s way of trying to be hip by saying what no one else would bother thinking. Seriously, the guy doesn’t really seem convinced of his own arguments. He brings up the Chiefs problems with losing linemen this year, but fails to mention that we’re starting a rook in a key position on our own line this year. He laments the loss of Trent Green, yet concedes that Huard played better and that the Chargers have a first time starting QB on their own roster.
Kay mentions the fact that Johnson is starting in a new system this year. Wah. Everybody in the world knows that RBs acclimate to a new system better than any other position player.
The only real solid point Kay makes is that TBE has LO Neal and Johnson lost Tony Richardson. In fact the article ends up turning into a LO Neal fanrant about halfway through. I don’t really have a problem with that, cause LO is a weapon, but lost is the fact that KC’s blocking schemes are a pretty solid evener. I mean, Priest Holmes was putting up record years before Johnson and Tony Richardson didn’t have much to do with it. All in all, I’d say comparing the two runners is apples and oranges. They’re both great talents, but to say that Johnson has been more impressive than Tomlinson this season is pure crap.
Last but not least, it seems KC Rookie Defensive Lineman Tamba Hali has gone on the record as saying the Chargers are all soft and cuddly. That’s all I’m going to say about that. Read the article. Go to Hell, KC, you’re Cut. And you’ll be forgotten by the rest of the league by Monday! My Favorites, the Bolts, will see to that. Go Bolts!!!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Okay, so, yesterday I awarded ourselves and the team 24 hours to revel in the victory of Sunday. To relive the glorious moments of our first sweep of the Choking Filly's in something like 29 years. Well, I've got two minutes to spare so sue me. Better yet, ask for your money back for the time of yours I've wasted putting this bit together. You got change for a quarter? Enjoy it, for two more minutes.
As I purused the little internet thing today I read a few things that were a bit puzzling to me, but after a smattering of reflection, I realized it was just another typical reaction from the Denver Faithless after the reality of no playoffs set in. On the normal, this would be the time that the excuses flow, but no, not this time. This time was different. It was a stretch even for the Filly's. And by stretch I mean, trying to dip your toes into the San Diego Bay while sitting on top of the Coronado Bridge. No chance.
The scenario? Apparently some were disappointed that the Chargers, with a 21 point lead, and a shade over three minutes left in the game, would opt to try to run up the score by allowing The Best Ever to break Piss Poor Alexander's one year old record. Bad sportsmanship they say. I'd link the article, but it's about 9000 word and really only 450 of them are good, well, those and a couple of cheerleader pics. I'd post the pics to but most of them are Dolphin's cheerleaders and well, what? Sorry, I ramble. My bad....
So, here's what I have to say about the ludicrousity (if that's a word, if not it should be) of what the Geldings are proposing here. Bad sportsmanship you say? Well, first, let me remind you of some facts here. And these facts are strictly for anyone who might want to defend the aforementioned position...
Fact: You, Geldings, in FACT Suck. You Suck. Deal with it. You don't worry about sportsmanship when your slopfuck offensive (really offensive) line cuts down Jamal's ankle or Igor's knee. Fuck your sportsmanship.
Fact: If your "Coach" (I lied, there's the link, cause the beginning is so glorious and is good for some laughs) is so inept that he would bench a "vet" (and I'm using that word looser than a girl I lived with in college, ask about that sometime) while the team was still in the division race**, in favor of a rookie, well, you deserve any beatdown you receive. Don't complain about it afterwords. You got treated worse than a donkey in Tijuana, deal with it.
Fact: Perhaps, if everyone involved, was more aware of the situation, with three minutes left in the fourth quarter of a monster blowout and The Best Ever on the verge of a milestone, you might have thought it wise to, I don't know, tackle him? I know that is a next to impossible task, but if Darrent Williams or whoever else wound up on his ass had actually keyed on the one guy, the ONE guy who everyone in the known universe knew was getting the ball, you wouldn't find yourself subject to a 28 point loss instead of 21. I don't know. It's just a thought. God forbid, our team does something that a "team" would do and get the league's MVP his record at the end of a blowout over a hated division rival on our homefield in front of 70,000 insane Bolt fans. Fuckass loser Geldings.
Fact: You are neutered horse people. You're Quarterback retired 8 years ago. He's gone. Put your Elway jerseys next to the semen stained picture of your Super Bowl trophies and recognize that your team is done. D-U-N, DONE. You may be on the verge of Elway 4.0. You may be on the verge of Griese 2.0. We don't know yet. Instead of pissing about it, beat us. And when you can't? Fuck you. It hasn't been this way in a very long time, maybe hasn't been this way ever. We went through the fucking Leaf "Era" eat my ass if you can't handle one fucking decisive ass whoopin'. Suck shit fuckball.
That felt good. Beating the Geldings felt good. Pummeling them felt good. And hearing them bitch like John Kerry felt even better. "It's not fair, it's not fair, waaaahhhhh, waaahhhh, waahhhh (tears)." You all should feel worse than "Brittany Lohilton's" vagina does in panties about yourselves. Good luck with the rest of the decade...
Oh, one more time...
Monday, December 11, 2006
Antonio Gates once again reiterating for the entire world to see that there are no tight ends of his caliber in the league. Champ Baily and everyone else worldwide is at the mercy of his prowess.
Phillip Rivers decimating an attempt at a Donkey defense yet again.
Shawne Merrimonster welcoming Failed Elway Venture 4.0 to the world of the Tijuana prison.
Photo op number two of A.J. going "All Boner" on TBE's record setting moment.
Yesterday was a special day in Chargerland. Our run to the Western Division Champion status of the AFC was completed yesterday on the wonderful greenery of Jack Murphy Stadium. I refrained from chastising anything Donkey related within reach of a text message. I am choosing to save those moments for an "in person" encounter. I did however hear the unsolicited reaction from one Donk who couldn't control his inner hatred and spewed forth some fecal flavored words about the Chargers. Unfortunately for said "fan" his anger was quite misdirected and made for the first beautiful Monday morning I've had in a decade. It went something like this...
"We've still gone to, and won more Super Bowls than you ever will." followed by some insidious yet pathetic laughter.
Yes, said Donkey Blatherer, that would be true. But, you have also gone to and lost more Super Bowls than ourselves. For me, after the experience of 1994, I chose to never use that as ammunition in defense of our team. For the rational, and I would be remiss if I didn't consider myself barely qualifying that statement, this is not the measure of a good argument. I don't take any solice in the 1994 season. The goal is to win the Super Bowl. There is no sense of accomplishment for me to go to the Promised Land, only to lose. If that is what success is defined as in Donkeyland, it is going to be a long decade, because that, what we saw on the field yesterday, is a Denver team that is moving light speed in the wrong direction. You should hang your Naked Man Part Covering Barrels on that for the next few years while we are playing in January. I long considered Raider fans in the lowest I.Q. population, yet I was wrong. Poor, poor Donkeys. Enjoy denial, and to quote a close member of the Bolt Family,
"Why don't you stop being a pussy for the whole world to see."
I don't want to spoil what was truly glorious yesterday, you know, that Division Championship, and LTD truly seizing the "Best Ever" moniker, but Sunday evening is a big day at the Murph. The Flexed Vengeance game.
We have 24 hours to revel in our Awesomeness. Sunday is a big day. Congrats to all who donned the Bolt unis this past Sunday. You have done us proud.
A final thought...