Monday, January 24, 2011

'Disaster Averted' or 'Go to Hell Nick Canepa'

First off, let's get the good news out of the way Jay Cutler dragged his pussy off the field yesterday and let us all off the hook. No ring for Cutler. The world is safe for democracy. Seriously, though, can you believe the gash on this guy? 'Canyonesque' is the term CJ coined yesterday and it is apt my friends. Reports today defend the seriousness of Jay Cutler's injury, but I'm sorry, if you're walking around on the sideline while Todd Collins and some guy named Hanie are trying to save your season, you better prepared for some scrutiny. And by scrutiny I mean Brian Urklacher holds you down while Julius Peppers removes your head. What really killed the Bears, though, was the strange fact that Todd Collins was allowed to take the field. That guy wasted two good field positions before doing the right thing and following Cutler to the bench. Apparently, the Packers are a shade better than the Carolina Panthers. Seriously though, Cutler, if you're going to stand there on the sideline determined to prove that your teams fluky season was a farce, at least have the decency to grab a crutch or a cheerleader and pretend you can't walk around without assistance.

And speaking of standing around on the sidelines during playoff games, our good friend Nick Canepa had this to say in his column today:

"And LaDainian Tomlinson will be watching. Again. Pledging allegiance to another franchise didn’t help his own personal elevator reach the level he’s long been seeking. But he did absolutely nothing to so much as push a button in Pittsburgh. He remains a playoff also-ran, be it on the left or the right coast."

Jesus Christ, Nick. That's rough. Did LT screw your wife and run over your dog on the way out of town? I mean, what has the guy really done to incur this sort of wrath? He was openly upset with the way he was treated by a management team that is pretty well known to treat everyone like shit and he has praised an organization that has been dedicated to winning and appears to stand behind it's players. What a dick. In Canepa's defense, this column was obviously bought and paid for if not actually penned by Dean and AJ. So, again I ask you, how can you even root for this petty bunch of bullies? How can you look beyond them and continue to enjoy Chargers football? I just don't know if I can anymore.

Quick parting shots:

1) Green Bay gets the award for least unlikable team to be in the Superbowl since the Carolina Panthers. I just wish I actually, you know, liked them.

2) The Steelers get the award for team I am so sick of I can't even stand it. I just wish I actually, you know, hated them. Here comes the apathy bowl!

3) In case you missed it earlier, Jay Cutler's vagina is canyonesque! That's gold, CJ.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I'm More Than Worried

I kind of bowed out last weekas far as this blog goes due to the fact that it really hit me that any good that can come from football has passed me by this year. I mean, I'm happy to have seen the Patriots continue their recent tradition of post season chokery, but it's not enough to truly lessen the sting of that fact that my season is over and I hate my team. Anyway, here's what I think about these playoffs now.

I should have put money on the Jets last week. I had been telling anybody who'd listen that I expected the Patriots to choke in that game, but it doesn't amount to a hill of beans if I'm not willing to put my money where my mouth is, and I wasn't. I might as well be Keyshawn. Still, it was nice to see them lose, even if it was to the Jets. By the way, Sports Media, you can't praise Bill Belichek for jettisoning Randy Moss and rave about the unstoppable Pats offense, then turn around and condemn them for not having a Randy Moss 'type' when that unstoppable O gets stopped. You guys are terrible. have a fucking conviction. They just got beat. It fucking happens.

I can't watch the Steelers win another Superbowl, so I'm still fully on the Tomlinson bandwagon. As far as people who have a beef with the Chargers go, we could do a lot worse than LT getting his ring. And by that I mean this...

Because everything in the world is about me, and the universe likes to rub my nose in shit at every turn these days, I have zero doubt in my mind that Jay Cutler will win the Superbowl. No doubt. For some weird reason no one is giving these guys a chance today, but that's just as silly as no one giving the Jets a chance last week. Yeah, I know that I spent the whole season calling bullshit on the Bears, but guess who was only slightly behind them in bullshit? Yep, the Packers. Still no running game. I think the Bears are going to kill Aaron Rodgers. Believe me, I don't want it to happen. Green Bay is eminently likable as a team and would make a seemingly fine and upstanding Champion, but how would that piss me off? That's all the universe is concerned with, really. Bears 27, Packers 23

I think the Jets can beat the Steelers. The Jets are far more dynamic and every bit as capable of being a stifling defense. For some reason, though, nobody seems to want to beat these impossibly boring Steelers this year. They don't even know how they got here. But I'm going with my heart here. Go TBE!!! Jets 20, Steelers 16

If this pans out as I've predicted, this year's Superbowl could end up being the ultimate battle between good and evil. Cutler vs. Tomlinson. The AFC West will never have been so strongly represented. I actually want to see that! Which, of course, means there's no way. Oh well. Go Playoffs!!!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Seattle in the NFC Championship Game?

Don't laugh. While most of sports media and the NFL were busy freaking out about a 7-9 team hosting a playoff game as the Seahawks pulled off a shocking upset of last year's Superbowl winner, maybe they should have been looking at the bigger picture. Since Seattle is a division winner they are automatically seeded higher than the surging Packers. This means that the Atlanta Falcons are rewarded for their top seed by having to play the more dangerous remaining wildcard round team in the divisional round. In the meantime, the upstart Seahawks get to play the bullshit number two seed Chicago Bers. Why are the Bears bullshit? Because they already lost once at home to the crappy Seahawks once this year. For some reason nobody in the world believes they could do this again, but I can't for the life of me figure out why. If you don't think Jay Cutler can suddenly fire off four straight picks in his FIRST EVER playoff appearance then you have never once followed his career. Also, Mike Martz is a great playoff choker. Now here's the craziest part of all. If the Seahawks win-and they will-and the Falcons lose-and they could-then the 7-9 regular season Seahawks will host the NFC Championship Game. I hate the Seahawks and I want this more than anything in the football world. But this is not the year of getting what I wanted in football. Here's some other things that I wanted but didn't get:

The Chargers to win the Superbowl

The Chargers to win the AFC West

The Chargers to make the playoffs

The Chargers to be decent

The Chargers to start the season with their best available starting squad on the field

The Chargers not to have a record number of blocked punts

The Chargers to be so bad that the ownership would have to get rid of AJ and Norv

The Chargers to be so bad that the ownership would have no choice but to at least force AJ to fire Norv Turner

Michael Vick to win the Superbowl

PETA to cry about it

Tom Brady's dick to fall off

The Raiders not to beat the Chargers

The Raiders not to sweep the Chargers

The Raiders fans not to start talking to me again

My fantasy football team to win

My fantasy football team to place

My fantasy football team to show

Jay Cutler not to make the playoffs

Jay Cutler's foot to fall off

Football not to be over for another season

I just know that last last one is gonna happen too. Anyway, if the Seahawks make it to the Supberbowl (pleasepleaseplease) then I think they should throw out all the AFC teams and let the Bengals play them. That's the game everybody wants to see. Am I right?!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Enjoy This Pointles Article

Kevin Acee reports that Nnamdi Asomugha is on the Chargers free agent radar. I don't have to tell you that this is exciting news, as Asomugha is what one would call a premiere talent at his position and would be a clear upgrade from Antoine Cason. Of course, Kevin Acee throws in this little tidbit:

Indications are – and this will shock no one – that the Chargers making a big play to sign Asomugha is a longshot. However, the talk has been serious enough to mention.

I imagine those discussions go something like so:

AJ: Do you have any interest in paying money to sign Nnamdi Asomugha?

Dean: Will he play for anything other than money? Preferably, clean ocean air.

AJ: Unlikely.

Dean: Pass.

Even Acee admits that the Chargers paying Asomugha something along the lines of what he's worth is a longshot. He does, however, point out that NA might be willing to take a discounted contract for the chance to play for a winner like San Diego (Really?). He then goes on to mention that the Eagles are showing heavy interest in NA as well. So, the guy has to choose between, at the very least, an Eagles team that went to the playoffs and the Chargers who squandered their season by playing poorly against a bunch of shitty teams all year. Tough call, but if you put a gun to my head I'd say the Eagles have the inside track here.

I'm not even going to bother pointing out that Acee also cites NA's relationship with Norv through his ties to that organization and then points out that it's those same terrible years with the Raiders that have Asomugha running for the door. Nope, not going to point it out.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Playoff Musings...

As Max so gloriously summed up, the inaugural week of the playoff that do not bear our name is in the books and not without some surprises. Off we go:

*Highlight of the weekend save a trip to Farrell's was watching the "Beef Moe" go off on that journey through the tackleless forest. About the time Lynch got all physics on us and threw down the impossible stiff arm I was involved in this exchange:

Me: "He's gonna score."
Bud Light Fan: "No, no he's not. Wait. Yes. Yes he is!"

That short exchange was highlighted by Max screaming "BEEF MOEE!BEEF MOEE!BEEF MOEE!BEEF MOEE!" in an octave not unlike a creamy Bieber fan. Super gay on all levels by all parties involved. But hilarious at the same time.

*I don't care if yes, the Chargers might have put up a better fight than the Chefs on Sunday morning. We didn't make the playoffs, didn't deserve to, and lost to many, many teams that we "should" have or "could" have put up a better fight against. One of those teams involves "Beef Moe". Sorry. Not wasting the energy required for those thoughts, especially since Rivera was confirmed as the head asshole in tarheel country. Seriously, that program is surely bound for good things now. I am serious and don't call me Shirley.

*For how many years have we been assaulted with the idea that Peyton Manning needs nothing resembling a coordinator as he is so advanced in his brainparts that he can run any play at any time and the Colts are just lucky to have a coach on the field of his stature? Funny, I saw the Superleader check down on every third and short as if he was taking infield practice throwing those grounders to his substitute tight ends . The one touchdown the Colts scored was on a bomb, the one, and only one time they threw it down the field. Either Peyton needs a coordinator, or he's a giant pussy, or both. I'm leaning towards giant pussy. If I leaned any further I'd be swathed in beef curtains.

*Let me get this straight. Tom Coughlin and Matt Dodge catch a bucketful of semen filled frogshit for kicking to DeSean Jackson with the game on the line. However, Mike McCarthy and Tim Masthay kick to Jackson with the game on the line and no one says a god damned thing. Why? Why the fuck doesn't McCarthy get asked what the fuck he was thinking kicking to Jackson so he can fistfuck his punter on national television like Coughlin? Is it perhaps because after they kicked to him, the Packers and the 11 members of their punt team tackled the ballcarrier doing their jobs and becoming more appealing suitors to McCarthy's nubile daughters?* I vote yes. And, I vote because the media are fucking assholes. See: Mike Vick. See: Arizona. Again.

*I couldn't be more disappointed in Michael Vick. DAMNED YOU MICHAEL VICK! You came so close to getting my hopes up for the SuperBang miracle and then BLEW IT!! Doubly shitty that someone was telling me that Joe Montana wouldn't have made that mistake on the game ending interception. No fucking shit. Joe Montana probably wouldn't have done time for dogfighting either. Not because he wouldn't fight dogs, but because he's white. Duh.

It's so much easier to hate everything in the playoffs when we aren't involved. I almost know what it's like to be a Raider fan. At least you have next year to look forward to you know, letting your best corner go now too. Fuck me Raiders, if you weren't so awfully bitchy you'd be so darned cute and likable! Like a kitten in a blender! You are an endless source of entertainment. I can't wait to see what hi-jinx you have in store for me next week!

*Mike McCarthy may not have daughters. He may not even have children. I don't care.

Monday, January 10, 2011

So, It's Monday

Some quick hits on this, the lamest day of the week.

1) The Chiefs did pretty much what I expected them to do in folding to the Ravens. It's a wonder nobody decided to cover Dwayne Bowe until the last couple of weeks of the season. That 27/7 TD/INT ratio for Matt Cassell is a baldfaced lie! Maybe I'm just bitter that the Chiefs were there but they were lucky the score wasn't 52-7. Baltimore continues to get in it's own way all time, and while that may be okay against the Chiefs, it probably won't stand against the Steelers. One more time Ravens, Ray Rice is better in any inconceivable situation than any other running back on your roster. Use him accordingly.

2) The Colts-Jets match-up was surprisingly hard to watch.I still have to belive the outcome might've been different if the Colts were healthy, but thems the shakes as they say. Tomlinson looked good, so that's practically a win for the Chargers, right? Well, at least we're gonns a get a second rounder for Cromartie now. Please let it turn into an undersized white guy with a great big heart!

3) New Orleans got pretty much beaten up by the 7-9 Seattle Seahawks. How did it happen? Dare I say it? Trap game, bitches!!! It's well documented here, but as much as I hate hate hate the Seahawks, New Orleans fans needed a nutpunch like that after all the 'Who dat?' nonsense the rest of us had to deal with the last few years. And if you didn't love watching Marshawn "Beef Moe" Lynch moew through just about every player on the Saints defense on that game clinching TD run, then you just plain don't like football, so why are you even reading this?

4) I cannot tell you how sad I am that Mike Vick won't be winning the Superbowl this year. What a wonderful story of redemption that would have been. And what a glorious sock in the cock that would have been to those bleeding heart, holier than though bitches who think Vick should never have been given a second chance in life. Alas, The Eagles decided not to bother trying to defend the run and paid dearly for it. Meanwhile, Vick and DeSean Jackson just looked gassed as the season seemed to catch up with them. Too bad. 2010 was a Hell of a highlight reel for those guys.

5) Ron Rivera is going to the Panthers, proving that literally anything is better than watching Norv Turner piss away all your hard work.

Friday, January 07, 2011

And Now For the AFC

Three posts in one day? Just trying to get it all out of my system before retiring to the black hole that is "not football," where first we must endure basketball before the Padres step in and try to fill that void of disappointment the Chargers always leave behind. Shudder.

Here's how the teams in the AFC will break our San Diegan hearts with a Superbowl victory:

Baltimore Ravens

This is the team you want to win the Superbowl. They kind of have an obnoxious wigger fanbase, but the team itself doesn't bother me that much. Honestly, go back and look at the games, even when they beat us it doesn't look like they really want to. There are Ravens players on the sidelines screaming, "Why are you kicking a field goal on 3rd down? Take another shot at the endzone for fuck's sake!" Of course, they do have an alleged murderer on their team, but he already has a ring. If the Football Gods are cool with it, so am I.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Ugh, not these ass holes again. Pittsburgh is the best team in the league that you neither follow or care about. At this point the only time you even acknowledge them, besides when Ben is accused of raping someone or flying through a windshield, is when they don't make the playoffs. The Steelers are a favorite among football purists because they are gritty and tough. See: boring. If they win this Superbowl that will be seven. Seven! To our big fat goose egg. We could win the next six and Pittsburgh could still lord that seventh over us. And let's not forget they blew through us in the playoffs en route to a couple of those. Fuck the Steelers and their lunch pails. Die in a welding accident, you blue collar fucksticks!

Indianapolis Colts

The Colts have made the playoffs for exactly 50 straight seasons now. Yet somehow they are our bitch. Nobody wants to see their bitch succeed. It's like they do this on purpose. They mock us. They're all, "Oh, all your receivers are hurt? Your running game is suspect? Your pro bowl tight end is out? The other teams in your division are on the rise? Oh, I can certainly see why you'd have a hard time making the postseason under those circumstances. I mean, we did it, but we're the Colts." Oh, that makes me so mad. I have no doubt this bunch of suckasses will go to the Superbowl and cough it up to the Bears.

New York Jets

I'm conflicted. A piece of me wants Tomlinson to to get his ring because he was an amazing Chargers player and because it would make AJ and Norv look all the more terrible. Unfotunately, if LT wins a ring with the Jets, no one will ever let us forget it and he will probably decide to retire a Jet and I don't think I could take it. Also, since LT had exactly one decent postseason performance in all his years in San Diego I would have to cry party foul. But if they win it all, I want him to go big in the Superbowl and I want Cromartie to have two pick sixes. Really twist the knife.

New England Patriots

Another one of those 'not these guys again' teams. And we're their bitch. No bitch with a deeply buried sense of self esteem wants to see they that bitchified them succeed. But they won't succeed. The Patriots are secretly the biggest choke artists in the league. The media can sit around and sing their praises and jerk off Belichek and Brady all they want, but when it comes time to put up or shut up, they'll choke it away just like they did when they gave up an 18 point lead to the Colts in the AFC Championship game or when they let Eli Manning of all women ruin their perfect season. I can't wait to see it.

Kansas City Chiefs

This team is such a long shot they almost have to win. What a slap in the face that would be. After dominating the AFC West for like five of the last six years the Bolts have put nary a dent in the postseason. If Todd Haley and the Chiefs go in there and take the whole thing in one shot I just don't know how anyone can ever stand up for Dean, AJ and Norv ever again. And the Chiefs could, you know. Running and D wins the big one they always say. When the Chiefs are on, they're as good as anybody at the two. Of course the idea that the Chiefs could be on for four straight games is laughable. If they manage it, though, I'm going to root for a lockout, because I'm going to need at least a year to get over it.

So that's it. Root for the Ravens to win everything, because they have practically no ties to San Diego and the only strike against them is murder. Human murder. Not even dog murder. Go Ravens!!!

Next Up, Kevin Acee

It's just going to be one of those days. Here's Acee's assessment of AJ Smith, past present and future. Needless to say, Acee takes Vader to the woodshed with this one with no consideration for his own well being or his place on the UT's writing staff. Just kidding. he states the obvious, builds in some excuses and lobs fluffy bunny grenades at AJ. Some quick retorts:

But also, that clock has struck midnight. The Chargers' run of playoff appearances has been interrupted. In the fairytale, all ends well for Cinderella. In 2011, we might find out whether Smith and the Chargers live happily ever after.

A Cinderella comparison? Well, at least that's new. I mean, Cinderella never had anyone killed or blasted a dude through a shower door, but hey...Cinderella. Who can be mad at Cinderella? Am I right or what?

But 9-7? Two years after 8-8?


A convergence of events – not the least of which is the fact it has already started – make this the most important offseason for the Chargers in Smith’s eight-year reign as general manager.

Tick-tock? Like the alligator that was after Captain Hook in Peter Pan? Now there's an analogy I can get behind. 2011 is the gator and AJ is Hook. That kind of rules. I'm gonna try and make this Hook thing stick. And not the gay Dustin Hoffman Hook either, though I have to give that Hook credit for running that annoying Rufio character through with a sword.

Smith was the architect of a monumental turnaround, from a team that went 39-73 and didn’t have a winning season in the seven years prior to him taking over and has gone 80-48 under his watch and not had a losing season since his first year in charge. He built almost from scratch the team that went to the AFC Championship after the 2007 season and retooled the version that went 13-3 in ‘09.

Wait a minute, I thought we were putting it to the captain here. I'm not going to refer to him as The Architect.

Only New England (87), Indianapolis (87) and Pittsburgh (77) have more victories than the Chargers (76) since 2004.

Of course, those three teams also have Super Bowl victories in that span (Pittsburgh has two). And Smith is also the architect of a team that as of this past Monday has gone two calendar years without a playoff victory.

That's what I'm talking about! Take that, Cinderella!

Head coach Norv Turner and deposed special teams coordinator Steve Crosby (and every other coach) could have done a better job this past season.

See, but now this sounds like an excuse for AJ. And more than that it's another weak indictment of Steve Crosby who seemed to make do until Hook started withholding talented players from him, then ultimately made him walk the plank for making him and his Shmee look bad. What happens if whoever we get to replace Crosby has some breakdowns on special teams? Impossible for some reason!

But those that argue the Chargers have regressed under Turner seem to forget that the Chargers of 2006 and ’07 were led by LaDainian Tomlinson, Shawne Merriman and Jamal Williams, all mostly healthy and in their primes, plus Antonio Gates and Philip Rivers.

There are a couple great players (Gates, Rivers) on this version of the Chargers and a handful (maybe two handfuls) of very good players. And then, well, Smith has let his boss, his subordinates and his team’s fans down.

Most-talented roster? That’s a stale assessment.

This is a solid attack here. Unfortunately, it's also a defense of Norv so I can't get totally behind it. Because, you see, any defense of Norv Turner is a de facto argument in favor of Hook. See the trickeration there.

Now, Acee goes into build-up mode.

Smith is absolutely capable of proving this a simple and wholly correctable downturn. (Remember, the Chargers followed 9-7 in 2005 with 14-2 in ’06 and 8-8 in 2008 with 13-3 in ‘09.)

Anyone who thinks this team was that far from the playoffs and isn’t going back unless drastic changes are made lacks perspective.

Before throwing in a soft jab by stating some of the obvious without a hint of venom (Acee reserves his venom for the idiot fans).

But teams also miss the playoffs when their general manager has perhaps missed as much as he’s hit in recent drafts and when his impact free agent signings are as rare as his smiles.

Ouch. Gets ya right in the pantaloons, eh Captain?

The Chargers did not sign an unrestricted free agent last spring, signed one the year before and none after the ’07 season. In his tenure, Smith has arguably gotten significant impact out of just safety Marlon McCree (2006) and linebacker Kevin Burnett (2009) among his unrestricted free agents signings. (To Smith’s credit, a number of his trades have provided strong returns, the Chargers have a number of undrafted free agents making significant contributions, and Smith has signed some key “street” free agents to shore up depth.)

Well, of course the few free agents he has signed have been big time home runs. These must be the "very good players" Acee alluded to earlier. And those trades? Tre magnifique! Of course, most of those amazing trade acquisitions have been run out by Hook himself or have drastically declined in production the last couple of years, but that's hardly woth noting.

Finally, since Smith is as staunch a believer as there is in building through the draft, and since he will have five picks in the first three rounds, he needs to find
some difference makers come April.

Five picks in the first three rounds?! Why, that's nearly two Jacob Hester's worth of picks! Methinks I can hear the window flying back open!

But 2007 first-rounder Buster Davis, who showed flashes of talent but was unable to show any more due to recurring injuries, is almost certainly finished as a Charger.

Yeah, it was injuries that made Buster Davis suck. And it's good to know that he's only almost certainly no longer going to be a Charger. Look out, Acee, Hook might make you almost eat those words!

Regardless of circumstances, the bottom line is that only cornerback Antoine Cason (2008) has made a significant contribution among Smith’s past four first-round picks.

Cason has definitely been a significantly serviceable contributor. Right up until he let his man get fifteen yards past him in the loss that sealed our fate this season. And no, I'm not blaming Cason for the whole season, that's really more CJ's thing, but it bears noting that Cason ain't quite there in terms of putting one in the win column for Hook yet.

Smith isn’t speaking for public consumption these days, but rest assured he knows all of this. Be confident, too, he doesn’t necessarily agree with everything that’s been written here, but neither does he deny it all.

The offseason is on Smith. It needs to be his time.

Scathing. When Captain Hook scuttles you for your insolence, you can come write for this blog, Acee. It doesn't pay a dime, but we'll let you keep your balls anyway.

Why Do You Make Me Hurt You, Nick?

I've tried to stay off Nick Canepa's back a little this season, what with Acee out there rewriting the book on fluffing General Managers, but lately Nick's been on his loyal game and this article is too good to let go without some rebuttal. In it, Nick says that the plethora of fan e-mails he received damning AJ for sending Charlie Whitehurst off to greatness in Seattle caused Nick to examine some of the players AJ jettisoned in the past and then make excuses for AJ like only Nick can.

Let me start by saying I don't believe for a second that Nick got any legitimate e-mails saying that the team should have sent Rivers packing and held onto Whitehurst. That's just a bullshit set-up for the usual tone of the article to follow. You know that tone? It's the, "Oh, you silly fans. It's so cute when you question the Godfather. It amuses him so," tone. I'm sure he did get a lot of e-mails to the tune of, "So why did we shower AJ with so much praise when Whitehurst is in the playoffs and Mathews spent half the season on the bench due to injury or because Norv had no idea how to utilize the running game this year?" I think that's valid. Let's delve into this lapdoggery some more, though, why don't we?

A great trade. Whitehurst never was going to be anything more than an August quarterback here.
He was efficient and didn’t screw up against the Rams, but he wasn’t
Tom Brady. If he’s the answer, tell me why Matt Hasselbeck, bad hip and all, is starting Saturday’s playoff game against New Orleans. Well?

Oh, sweet burn, Nick. Take that, Chargers fans! Silly bitches, Whitehurst ain't even starting in the playoffs! I mean, sure it might have a little to do with the fact that Hasselbeck is 4-1 lifetime in the postseason and has more experience therein than any other NFC QB, but it's more likely that Pete Carrol just thinks Whitehurst sucks, right? Look, nobody wants to see Chuck behind center in Seattle more than yours truly, but you just ain't ever going to find a coach with a dismal NFL past whose willing to take a chance on a guy in the playoffs who now has one total NFL start on his resume when that coach has a grizzled postseason vet in the stable. However, if Hasselbeck looks even a little stale to start, look for a short leash there. When that happens I'm gonna write so many 'Brees/Whitehurst 2012' letters to Nicky that he'll have to quit the internet forever.

Drew Brees. There are more misconceptions over Brees than any player. Smith obtained Rivers in 2004 because Brees was awful in ’03...That Brees came back with a Pro Bowl year doesn’t matter. They’d already spent a fortune on Rivers, who was going to be their quarterback of the future. The problem I have with Smith is that he held onto Brees another year and the QB damaged his shoulder in the final game of 2005. Smith could have traded him at the end of ’04 and got something big in a quarterback-deprived league.

That's a problem we all have with the Brees thing, Nick. But you couldn't run out Brees after he helped turn the franchise around, I guess. While I understand the business decision, the fact that it was apparent that Brees would ultimately become the odd man out did show once again that the dollars and cents mean more for this organization than creating a culture of winning. The other major problem is that you will never convince fans letting go of Brees was the right move because he has a freaking Superbowl ring! That's one more than the City of San Diego has of any significant Championship.

Michael Turner. Smith should have gotten something for him (why does Bill Belichick always get high draft picks when he rids himself of players?), but there was no way the talented tailback was returning in 2008 after being franchised the year before.
LaDainian Tomlinson was the NFL’s leading rusher in 2007. No chance he was leaving then. And Turner was going to demand an awful lot of money to remain a backup.

So, you had to let Brees go to make room for the heir apparent, but there was no way you could let Tomlinson go for his heir apparent. But yeah, getting rid of LT would have been a disastrous PR move. Still, The Burner would have fit Norv's straight up and down running offense far better than Tomlinson ever did. And if AJ and his coach are so brilliant they should have seen that and sent LT off to find his fortune elsewhere rather than drag out a bitter and horrible break-up once the truth became apparent. So why didn't the Godfather, whose tail wags furiously at the thought of telling the fans to go fuck themselves at every turn, make the right decision here and send LT packing instead of Turner? After all, the fans may bray and moan, but they are stupid anyway, and winning cures everything. The reason is that this particular move, if it had backfired, is the only one that might have actually caused Smith's own inflated head to roll. You don't fuck with an institution, and that's what LT was at the time. He was TBE. That still doesn't make it the right decision to let Michael Turner go. Just makes it the safe decision.

Lorenzo Neal. My personal favorite, in that so many fans believe the Chargers’ running game/franchise/spirit/karma went south because the fullback departed after 2007. LoNeal is a great guy and was a team leader, but he wasn’t what he was when he left here.

He wasn't what he was when he left here? That's awfully folksy. So what exactly was he? A pizza delivery man? Christ, Nick, either come up with something or skip this guy. Letting go of Neal was essentially Norv's way of saying that the running game around here-you know, the most prolific running game in Chargers history-was changing. It wasn't just Neal. Shortly after he was gone, his own heir apparent Andrew Pinnock was sent on his merry way, because Norv doesn't like his halfbacks to run behind a fullback. As it turned out, he eventually had to put Brandon Manumaleuna in the fullback position at times, because our running game went kaput without Neal.

Kassim Osgood. He left on his own accord. They loved Kassim — as a special teamer. But he wanted to go to a club where he could catch passes, so he went to Jacksonville, which offered him less money than San Diego. Osgood caught six passes for 60 yards and a score this past season — and made 12 special teams tackles, his lowest total since 2006.
Of course, the torch carriers believe Osgood would have made every special teams play had he stayed here and saved the season. Please explain how a gunner could have stopped those blocked punts.

I don't fully disagree that Osgood probably should have figured out his place and relished his role as a special teamer extraordinaire. It's not like he was tearing up the receiving stats in Jacksonville and their starters don't compare to ours, so he had a chance. However, for Nick to shine Osgood's importance here is way off. Osgood was a leader on special teams and helped to keep that unit tight knit and on the same page. He may not have personally stopped those blocked kicks, but he might have helped keep those special teamers focused enough to do the job. That's how a team works.

Tomlinson. It was time. LT had a nice year with the Jets, gaining 914 yards and scoring six touchdowns. His replacements here, Mathews and Mike Tolbert, combined to rush for 1,413 yards and 18 touchdowns. The Chargers rushed for a total of 1,483 yards last year (LT getting 730), 3.3 yards per try. The 2010 Bolts totaled 1,810 from scrimmage, 4.0 yards per rush.

Yep, Tomlinson needed to go. Sooner than he did, in fact, if only to salvage his legacy in the league. As for those stats Canepa throws out. Tomlinson had more yards than either Tolbert or Mathews this season and if you combine LT's numbers with Shonne Greene's they totalled more than the Chargers backs as well, so get out of here with that weak bullshit. The only thing these stats prove is that Norv's running game broke down one of the greatest runners in the league. Another example of Norv trying to shoehorn star players into his system rather than adjusting to the strengths of his star players.

Shawne Merriman. Once a great player. Don’t know if his leg injuries ever will allow him to again find that explosion. He drove Smith crazy. Smith doesn’t like to be driven crazy.

Is anybody saying that getting rid of Merriman was a bad idea at this point? Still, we probably won't know for sure how good Merriman is at this stage of his career until he ends up somewhere that's happy to have him.

Antonio Cromartie. A magnificent athlete and latter-day Father of Our Country who had one terrific year simply because of that raw ability. It’s doubtful he ever will be a great player. His matador tackle whiff in the playoff loss to the Jets punched his ticket out of town.

Oh, snap! A paternity slight? That's better than actual analysis! The thing about Cromartie is that we always knew what we had as a player. A zone guy with amazing athletic ability which he used to take advantage of mistakes by such NFL lightweights as Peyton Manning. Cromartie is only as good as his team's pass rush (a problem he's having in NY as well), so yeah, when our pass rush went to shit, so did Cromartie. I guess I can't argue it was time to let him go, but I'd have preferred we fixed the pass rush instead. That's just me.

There you have it. When Whitehurst gets to Canton, send me more e-mails — or whatever it is the angry villagers will be sending by the Twelfth of Never.

Closing with the bold prediction that Charlie Whitehurst won't make it to Canton? Bravo to you and your giant brass balls, Nick! Bravo! I guess that's why you get paid the big bucks. Disregard all I've said, you sir are on top of the game. Go Nick!!!

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Oh, You Wanna Talk Playoffs?

I really didn't want to post anything and move CJ's two-count 'em, two!- posts down the page where all four of our followers might miss them. Those things are more rare than unobtanium, but not nearly as rare as giant blue savages porn. Anyway, sorry CJ, but I too have to put up some playoff analysis, but mine will be a bit different. I would like to go ahead and point out what it would do to further crush San Diego Chargers fans when one of these remaining 12 teams wins the Superbowl this year while our beloved and bemoaned Chargers continue to not win it.

Seattle Seahawks

My most glorious nightmare disaster was somewhat averted today when the the Hawks announced that the best looking quarterback Jesus impersonator in the league, one Chuck Whitehurst would not be starting. I assume this is because Matt Hasslebeck has playoff experience enough to possibly cancel out the fact that even when he was supposed to be good Hasslebeck was just kind of okay. Man, though, would I have loved to see Chuck take this disaster of a playoff team to the Superbowl after all the accolades laid on AJ for fleecing the Hawks with this guy. He could still step in halfway through the Saints game and make a postseason splash the likes of which Jeff Hostetler has never seen. If it happens, I expect the Bolts to pack up the Mayflowers that night and get thyselves to L.A. If Seattle manages to pull it off with either QB, I'll probably lose it because I know that they are secretly AFC West double agents!

Green Bay Packers

When Green Bay wins we all lose, but here's where it makes the Chargers look bad. We tried that all pass/no run thing last year and failed miserably. It would look better for us if people went on believing it's impossible.

Philadelphia Eagles

As Nick Canepa pointed out last week, San Diego fans have poor memories. Most of you probably don't know that we traded the right to draft Mike Vick several years ago for some running back and a really fast white receiver who could neither run routes or catch passes but looked really fucking crazy returning kicks. While that crazy receiver went on to become one of the greatest Chargers of all time, Mike Vick's contributions to the league were arguably much more. Drafted 1st overall by the Philadelphia Eagles, Vick went on to change the face of the game while proving that one could be a superstar while still managing to be an all around credit to the human race. A Superbowl win this year would be his fourth if memory serves, and that would shatter a San Diego fanbase that has yet to see a single Lombardi. Oh, and that running back we traded down to acquire? Jermaine Fazande. Ouch.

Atlanta Falcons

That could have been Michael Turner Norv insists on slamming into the opposing defensive line on every first down, before abandoning the run completely and hucking the ball around willy nilly. Seriously, the Falcons are exactly the Chargers of the NFC. Want proof? Watch them lose their first playoff game. If they don't it's because their coach has them prepared, or makes adjustments or some other coachy thing. Is Mike Smith Norv Turner? Or is he any other coach in the league who knows what he's doing?

New Orleans Saints

Do I have to even say it? Breesus Christ, you're gonna make me say it, aren't you?! Fine, Archie Manning wouldn't let Eli come and play in San Diego, even though our fans were desperate to see the greatest of all Manning's adorn himself in the lightning bolt. Archie played for the Saints, so to see them win another Superbowl would only be a painful reminder of what he did to us. Honestly, I can't think of any other reason San Diegans would care if the Saints win it again.

The Flippin' Bears

This is the big one in the NFC. First Big Ben gets his ring. Then Eli Manning. Jay Cutler is the last of the QBs with any legitimate tie to Philip Rivers and the Chargers. The AFC West rivalry that should have been is over, but if you don't think Cutler winning a ring before Rivers will cause our QB to have an aneurysm and die, you are sorely mistaken. This would make for the sulkiest Superbowl of all. I mean, I'm just sick thinking of the possibility. I'm gonna go wash myself in whiskey.

That's it for now. I'd do the AFC, but Blogger killed this post halfway through, forcing me to do much of it over and it was all I could do not to punch a hole in my monitor, so I'm going to save the AFC for tomorrow. Boo NFC!

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

The Joke is on You PLAYOFFS!!!

Here is the first installment of the "Joke is on You PLAYOFFS!" Bullet Points, LUDICROUS SPEED! GO!

*Leave it to Oakland to upstage the failures of our 2010 season by firing their coach that brought an ounce of respectability to a moribund franchise. In Oakland, a .500 season and an unbeaten division record gets you strung up and gutted in the lair of the Cryptkeeper so that he can suckle on your innards giving him his eternal youth. Kind of excuses our firing of a 14-2 coach in favor of Norv Turner. So for that, a hearty thank you Al Davis. You truly are the king of the assholes. An award that is not only incredibly hard to win but very well deserved. Well done sir. Enjoy your blood.

*Kansas City is 0-3 in their last three playoff games at home. Guess which asshole is responsible for that? Here's to hoping Todd Haley begins his trek down Schottenheimer lane so I'm spared CBS's inevitable montage of the shortcomings of Martyball. Oh and fuck Kansas City. Your barbecue tastes like the rusted ass end of a Pinto.

*If Seattle's record was one game better do you think they'd shut the fuck up about all the bad teams that missed the playoffs that deserve to be in the playoffs but didn't fucking qualify? Wait, I know the answer to that. Oh, in case you forgot, we were 2-2 against that division and lost to the Seachickens so we totally got fucked out of the playoffs. Assholes.

*Um. Yeah. Here. Fuck New Orleans. There. I said it. Actually. Been sayin' it for years. Peruse the September 2005 Archives for post Katrina corpse and mold jokes. They are there I promise. And I don't feel any little bit of remorse whatsoever. I meant each and every one of them. I mean them more now. Fuck 'em.

*Baltimore. Harbaugh the Lesser. In the span of three days, ESPN's stories and ticker updates on the brother of Harbaugh the Lesser has made me desperately horny for someone to tell me Brett Favre stuck his finger in a stewardess. Flight Attendant. Whatever. Finger bang somebody Favre. I implore you. And fuck Baltimore.

*I'll regret that last bullet point like habanero fire wings in exit mode when Aaron Rogers throws four touchdowns and loses this weekend. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE BRETT FAVRE ASSHOLE! CHEESEHEADS 4 FAVRE 4EVER!!!1!!

*Hey L.T... you better run for about 382 yards and six scores or Rex is gonna rape you with his foot. Sanchez would probably prefer you get it for once I'm sure. YOU'RE FORCING ME TO ROOT FOR INDIANAPOLIS YOU DRIPPING GINAHOLES.

*I'm rooting for snow in Indy so hopefully their god damned roof collapses thirty seconds after kickoff. Fuck Indy. Fuck the Jets. I WIN. Me. I. Win. In that case only. borrow from Max, glug, glug, glug... I guess I win anyway.

*The Dog Whisperer. I really hope Mike Vick scores 68 touchdowns, goes iron man and has 18 sacks, conquers every game singlehandedly, wins the Super Bowl, the Most Valuable Player award, buys a pit bull, bangs it on a rape stand, and bites it's ears off hoisting one trophy in each hand. Is that wrong? Fuck those assholes that think he should die. Seriously. Fuck off. Wishing death upon someone is a fucking dick move. No, it doesn't count when I rooted for a roof collapse. That could totally never happen.


Tuesday, January 04, 2011

The Sum of All Tears...

So I'm sitting here watching the fucking Nokia, wait the Allstate Crack in the Sugar Bowl featuring Bumblefuck Ohio State and their typically moronic fans chanting O-H-I-O on this whatever the fuck night it is. Dipshits, we know how to spell Ohio, you really don't need to supplant your stupidity in my brain further treating this game like a fucking spelling bee for 4 year olds.

Why am I so enthralled by the Sugar Bowl you ask? I'm not. I couldn't care less. Though this child of Ironhead Heyward looks like he might be our answer to the pass rush issues we've had for the last handful of years. I'd be more insightful about the problems of our squad but Max has detailed them quite thoroughly and if I could find a cat to throw in the dryer for a laugh, believe me, it would have been done during the fourth quarter of the Bronco game. Should you need a reminder of how I'm currently feeling about this team, peruse the archives, I've written the "Season of Disappointment and Total Fucking Letdown Assholes" post for about five years now. This season is no different.

So, that being said, assuming the CBA gonorrhea gets cured by the inception of football next September, rest assured there will be no organizational changes. Well, Steve Crosby is gone and you know that will solve all our fucking problems. Blame the special teams coach! Well I'm not buying it, what if the new special teams coach is a crazy glue sniffer, build a model airplane he says! Next thing you know there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a million times.* What's our problem then you say? Not a totally uninteresting question.

As I'm a glutton for things that torture my soul worse than Eric Weddle, I tend to enjoy conversing about our shitty team. Needless to say I've been blogging my disappointment for the better part of five years, so why wouldn't I fill my free time bitching about something I have zero control over. The San Diego Super Chargers! Anyway, this conversation started out along the lines of:

Q: "I'd like to study why the Patriots continue to win all the time and the Chargers continue to disappoint?"

Simple Reactionary Answer: In a nutshell, we suck more than Faye Reagan (do not google that name at work or in front of your wife, girlfriend, or life partner. I'm not judging).

Longer More Thought Provoking Answer: I don't need a study to know the answer to this. The answer is simple. Much as many people would like to crucify Mike Vick for fighting some dogs, many more will harangue (not Aaron) Kellen Winslow Junior for likening football to war. And in the defense of war, while the Chargers have been "soldiering on" they couldn't defeat an army composed entirely of pussies made in France. But, football, and more specifically, well run organizations like the Patriots are somewhat of a military institution. No one player is bigger than the team. All players believe in the team mentality. They all buy in. The team is organized and expects the same from their players. They operate as a cohesive disciplined unit. The execute flawlessly on the field. They win. They study. They prepare. They execute. They win again. It's a simple model.

Our "organization" from the top aaaaalllll the way down does not resemble the successful organizations of our era. No, our organization is spectacularly reveling in ineptness. The head of the snake is a man that is admirable in his conviction, yet very flawed in execution. The same can be said for his hand picked coach. And well, the players make no secret of the fact they love him. He is an enabler that allows them only to run amok and behave like spoiled rich children on and off the field. He values the opinions of his players as a seventeen year old girl values facebook relationships and puts them above winning. He does not emphasize execution and discipline. Were he to do that, perhaps one, if not all of the following things would not have occurred on his watch:

*Bar fight at Stingeree
*Bar fight at Bar West
*Bar fight at Bar West that left one person in a coma
*Traveling on Christmas day arriving for must win game less than 24 hours before kickoff

There are a fuckitude of others but unless you are from Ohio you probably understand.

The Godfather and many others like to emulate the model the Patriots put forth. Anyone with a desire to succeed would find that to be an acceptable decision. However, when the flawed group you have assembled fails repeatedly, in the same fashion, over and over and over and over again, the responsibility lies with the brain. However, the Brain thinks you are an asshole for insinuating that he would make mistakes and insists that it's the special teams coaches and the players responsibility like a child stomping his foot on the floor when you tell him he'll get no fucking cookie. Who put the personnel and the players in the positions? Who ran players repeatedly out of town and replaced them with their hand picked "next man up". You cannot adopt only the asshole nature of the Patriots business model and expect to succeed. Being an asshole only gets you the general manager job, it does not guarantee it.

Again, assuming the Commish and the Union have a wonderful drunken tryst it will be fascinating to see how the squad morphs over the next nine months or so. Perhaps we'll shelve the ego and establish ourselves a new culture. Perhaps not. Perhaps we'll get yet version 5.0 of failure. Who knows?

What the hell. I have been conditioned to only use the word fuck when articulating my thoughts about this team anyway. That'll change as soon as the French quit running.

*blatantly and proudly stolen from Tommy Boy. If you didn't know that kindly ring your call button and Tommy here will come hit you in the head with a tack hammer, because you are a retard. Nothing against retards. It's in the script and I know how that language bothers people.

The Passion of the Coach

Here's Nick Canepa's article about this year's wasted Chargers season. It's not too bad. Not terribly off the mark. He makes some important notes of how short fields may have skewed our defensive stats and how our safeties are pussies. Most importantly, he takes AJ and Norv to task for their part in this debacle. Sure, he pulls his punches and stops short of calling for their heads, but hey, he's not allowed to do those things anyway.

All in all, though, the article is on point, but wimpy. It's nothing that anybody who has been paying attention didn't already know or probably think. The following little nugget did jump out at me, though:

“I love playing for him,” center Nick Hardwick said. “People on the outside don’t see his passion or know how the players really care for him.”

Really? The players really care for him? After reading that I've never been so certain that Norv is the reason this team will never win a Championship. The players really care for him? That's the kind of sentiment reserved for cupcakes who never won a thing, like Wayne Fontes. Do you think anyone ever said that about Bill Parcels or Bill Belichek? Bill Cowher? John Gruden? Vince Lombardi? Tom Landry? Do those coaches seem like lovable characters to you? Players are proud of playing for those guys. They might say they loved it long after, when they see the rewards reaped from playing for those coaches, but when people speak of the greats they speak of respecting them, not caring for them or loving playing for them. They love the winning. And passion? Passion means nothing. I have passion for the game of football. Results are what matter. And the results have not been so lovable.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Oh, Goody.

We ended the season on a high note. 9-7. Whoopty-doo. Does this mean we're the best team not to make the playoffs? Just like the old days? Oh, wait, there's the Giants and Bucs, so we're the third best team not to make the playoffs, which is certainly impressive. Oh wait, the Radiers beat us twice, so you could make the case that they're better. But we are definitely better than the Jags. Take that Jacksonville! That's going to make things very awkward when we have to share a stadium in Los Angeles in a couple years. A few things of note:

Apparently, the team was allowed to stay in San Diego for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning before heading out to Cincy last week. That, to me, is horseshit. Yeah, I know it sucks to have to work on holidays...for you and me. If I made as much money as your average football player and went in knowing full well that holiday games were a part of the deal, then I think I go ahead and suck it up and get to Cincy on Friday like any other football week. That was a must win game, and in case you weren't paying attention...

The Chiefs lost yesterday. Now, a lot of people will rightfully say that the Chiefs weren't playing for anything, so who knows how that game would have gone if the playoffs were still on the line? However, and it's important to note that the Raiders swept the division and had their first non-losing season in forever, so it's not entirely far fetched to think that they might have pulled off that game yesterday, regardless. We'll never know for sure, just like we'll never know for sure if this team might have won a Superbowl with Drew Brees under center if he had never been injured...

Playing in a meaningless game at the end of the year, just like Philip Rivers was yesterday. Seriously, I know that the organization is desperate to make people believe Norv is a winner, but you just don't take silly chances like that when nothing but gay pride is on the line. If you're in the playoffs, you rest your stars. If you're out of the playoffs you do the same. The same people who were crying about Brees five years ago were defending the decision to play Rivers yesterday. Hell, one moron said to me and CJ that Brees getting hurt lead us to Rivers, so it was a good decision even then. Yeah, well who's waiting to replace Rivers? This is reason #1,268 why San Diego probably doesn't even deserve to have a team. Number #1,267 was...

That the local affiliate chose to show the Pittsburgh-Cleveland game instead of the Oakland-KC game in the 10:00am slot. I assume this was some effort to punish the local fans of those teams, but hey, they played and they deserve the attention. I can't count how many times over the years the local programmers would forgo big games to show the Chiefs play some meaningless contest against the Lions or some other such nonsense. What a total lack of class to switch gears yesterday to show a game with the most negligible of playoff implications. Thankfully, the Steelers so thoroughly manhandled the Browns that I believe the local station switched to the Chiefs-Raiders at halftime anyway. Also, that's likely to be the last meaningful game between the Chiefs and Raiders for a while, since...

Word around town is that Al Davis will be showing Tom Cable the door this offseason. And why wouldn't he? A couple of years of consistency in the coaching staff have lead the Raiders back to the precipice of success. Time to burn the whole thing down. I have to believe that Davis probably feels that since the Raiders are marginally less terrible, and he himself was able to fade into the background for the most part this season, that he may be able to lure a more exciting coaching candidate to Oakland. Maybe he's thinking Fisher or Harbaugh, but the end result is more turmoil in Oakland so watch for them to sink back into worthlessness for now. Speaking of being worthless...

What was Malcolm Floyd doing on the field yesterday? Couldn't drag himself onto the field for a must win game last week, but the coaching staff let's him suit up for that pointless exhibition yesterday? For what? To get Norv his third winning season? Terrible. Floyd, yer cut...

And Sproles? Cut...

The rest of you are okay...

Except you Weddle and Kaeding. Yer both cut.

One last thing, Thanks, NFC West, for making San Diego's 8-8 team from a couple years back look slightly less embarrassing. AJ approves. By the way, Charlie Whitehurst is going to be quarterbacking in the playoffs. AJ drafted him, so I guess you have to put that in the "pro" column when weighing AJ's genius. I hope Chuck wins the Superbowl. If a 7-9 team with an ex-Charger back-up wins the whole thing, I can finally quit football forever and not even feel bad about it. Especially if that 7-9 team is the filthy Seahawks! Go Chuck!!!