Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Not Exactly A Clash Of The Titans

Man, I figured we'd handle the flailing Broncos, but that was embarrassing. I mean, sure we probably got lucky on that goal line fumble call, and that could have been a momentum changer, but one play rarely does a football game make. Personally, I think we may have finally been paid back for the Hochuli thing, and ultimately this game may have meant more than that one. The Bolts are fired up and playing as hot as anybody. This is exciting shit. And the best part is that Cromartie cracked a guy in the head with a bottle of champagne (allegedly) at Bar West that night, and anybody hanging out at that place deserves it!

One more thing. Word around town is that veteran O-line monster John Runyan is likely to sign with the Chargers to replace the injured Jerome Clary. That's some solid experienced depth we can be happy about. Go Bolts!!!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

It's Exciting To Be Excited!

It occurred to me earlier today that for the last two years, at this point in the season, I have been pissed off in regards to football; More specifically, I've been pissed off at my team. Underachievement and poor coaching were the hallmarks of the first half of those seasons. Well, don't look now, but times have changed. Suddenly, we are achieving at an appropriate level and we are not too poorly coached. Talk about improvement! Seriously, though, over the last four weeks this team has been really good. Sure, the Raiders and Chiefs suck, the vaGiants are descending and the Eagles are in the midst of their yearly swoon, but you can't pick your opponents (this isn't college football, for crying out loud), you can only beat them. And that's what we've been doing.

We need to beat Denver. It's as simple as that. If we lose this game, we'll be effectively two games out and in danger of a karmic beatdown. Remember last year when we went to the postseason at 8-8, while the 11-5 Patsies stayed home? Yeah, that could be us if we're not careful. By nearly all accounts we should murder this team (I think Vegas actually has the Broncos giving us 2.5, but my theory is that Broncos fans gamble more than Mexicans). Orton's hurt, and that supposedly is a big deal. The Broncos are reeling. The Chargers are flying. We are set up to announce our presence with authority. That worries me. We are terrible at being favored. I can not remember the last time we covered a sizable spread or won a Superbowl with a 14-2 record. So here's what I want to see. I want to see a little twisting of the knife. If I see our defense drop into prevent midway through the second quarter with a two score lead, I will absolutely lose my shit. If we start hammering away at the middle of the line with our inconsistent running game to the effect of 3-and-out after 3-and-out I will start a fucking letter writing campaign the likes of which hasn't bee seen since CJ solicited the Governator to help free his mom from a Puerto Rican jail for trying to smuggle 10 kilos of uncut powder out of the country in her snapper. Seriously, Locked Up Abroad: Episode 12, check it out. I want to see bombs flying. I want to see Denver children crying. Hell, I want to prove to Nick Canepa that I can like Norv Turner just fine if he stops being such a loser. Let's get this done.

Now for another quick Cut. I watched the highly acclaimed documentary Anvil: The Story of Anvil last night and I gotta say I just don't fucking get it. When did we start glamorizing all the shittiest things that happened in the 80s? Or the 80s themselves for that matter? I mean, I spent some of my formative years in the 80s, and while their was some good stuff-the resurgence of skateboarding, for example-there was a shitload of lame crap going on. Meth took hold in the 80s, y'know? Butt Rock retards like Anvil? Horrible. You can put Slash in your documentary (actually, more of a commercial for their 14th album), but that doesn't put you on a level with GnR. I don't admire a couple of guys too stupid to give up or evolve, and I don't feel sorry for them either. This movie reminded me of The Wrestler, another gritty take on a shitty form of entertainment. That movie was so REAL, you know? About as real as the toothless guy at the bar who bends your ear around tales of his rockin' youthful exploits while you're trying to order a drink. All you really want is for him to shut up and leave you alone. Bartender?!

Who gives a fuck about Anvil? There are a shitload of bands that sucked too much to succeed, even if they did play big in Japan. On a side note, I once wrote a review of a CD for a band called Big in Japan. Kind of generic, but not terrible. Anvil? Shitty. F-. I'd rather be hung by my thumbs. You're fucking cut!

Chargers 28, Broncos 20. Go Bolts!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Rant....

Since I've decided to abstain from the prognosticating for the time being until I can right the shipwreck my decision making process has become, so I'm dedicating my time to what I'm affectionately calling "The Rant". Especially since I think this weekend's game is going to further expose the suck that the Donk are currently trying to pass off as football.

Generally, I come across an item or two in my daily browsing of the interwebs that infuriate me to no end. It's usually the off beat opinion of a "journalist" who has adopted as his calling the opining of some currently relevant topic yet with some sort of slanted angle in order to stand out from the herd. Done well, this is something to be appreciated, but usually, this ends poorly and rarely is there enough attention paid to expose these abortions for what they are. An opinion in the place of reporting facts, especially a bad opinion formulated to be different is about as useful as sandy vagina. That is all just a long way of saying that "journalism" as it is currently being forced upon us is pissing me off and this is my space to shit on it.

Two items in particular have recently had me on the upside of irate. First was the "reporting" of the Larry Johnson incident. This took on two forms. First, Larry Johnson is a horrible homophobic imitation of a human being who has a far beyond troubled past that would rival most pedophiliac felons. Now, this may appear that I'm defending Larry Johnson. Please do not make this mistake. Larry Johnson has his own set of issues. The first of which and the one that should have gotten the most attention in this most recent incident was the undermining of his coaching staff and his team. Plain unacceptable insubordination. This gets most people fired; not even professional football players or ones masquerading as professional football players are usually immune. But no, that wasn't the story. Larry Johnson went on to use a "homophobic slur" when referring to members of the media. A bad choice of words to be sure. My issue was that Yahoo, was not the only media source to report this as a "homophobic" slur, but merely the first place I saw it referred to in this context. This is not a "homophobic" slur. It's certainly a homosexual slur, but not one of homophobia. This is the "journalistic" slant that inserts the writer and his opinion into the story, making his outrage at LJ's actions the focal point of the piece instead of just reporting the damned facts. For that Yahoo, you suck shit out of the ass end of a buffalo.

The second piece was again widely opined and had to do with Bill Belichick apparently blowing the fourth down play during last Sunday night's Colts affair. In short, report to me what the fuck he did. Don't tell me that he sucks as a football coach and can't be effective at his position as that was so telling of his arrogance and it finally, FINALLY bit him in the ass, HURRAY!!!! Agree or disagree with his call, I myself am sort of torn and I'm sure I'd feel awfully different about it had it been Norvy at the helm of that ship, but Jesus Pete. The guy showed some balls, went with something that should have worked and ended the game in victory and failed. Had it worked he'd have been a god damned deity, instead he's a guy with three super bowl rings and a bank account the size of Vanuatu. He gives a flying fuck what you think journoboy.

There were approximately 887 things to choose from for this space today, and believe me we will get to more of them after the slaughter on Sunday, like for example, have you heard that global warming is the main cause of prostitution in the Philippines? You didn't know? Ooooh that was a good one sure to be shared later on. Go bolts, time to give the Tijuana treatment to the Donks.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Friends talking football via e-mail

I am a member of an e-mail thread that is run by a friend of mine from college who travels the world, and has written an NFL ranking algorithm which he uses to rank the teams each week. The rankings are sent to the e-mail thread, and lots of smack talk generally ensues.

There are Giants fans, Cowboys fans, Eagles fans, WAY too many Broncos fans, and I think I may be the only Charger fan. It can be tough to listen to the chum that is stirred up in there, but it's sometimes funny too... and every now and then, I chime in. I thought I'd share a couple of recent ones that I contributed. Enjoy!

Post 1:

Mike (Packer fan), go easy on Scott (Giants fan and the author of the algorithm). His poor team had to go into a bye week with the image of Philip Rivers going all Philip Rivers on them and leading a game winning drive down their field ending in a TD to VJ in the back of the end zone. Oy.

(after Scott complained about not having access to a proper PC for the latest week's calculations) Scott, I can lend you a windows PC when you get here… Let me just “prep” one for you with my special version of Microsoft Excel that includes some preset macros to help counteract Donkey fans overexcitement about a good start to a long season. Looks like they might be going from the Bronc-os to the Bronc-oh-nos! (again). Well, we’ll see… big game this Sunday! Chargers get a chance for payback. Hopefully the Donks aren’t counting on 14 points from kick returns this time. Go Chargers!!

Post 2:

It looks like Orton may indeed start in Sunday’s Broncos vs. Chargers. That’s probably a good thing, because Chris Simms not only seems to have trouble making the ball go through the air toward a teammate, but he also really doesn’t fit the Broncos Quarterback mold at all. Allow me to demonstrate… Let’s look at the recent Denver QB’s:

And now, Mr. Simms:

He looks way too awake! And that hair? That’s no mop! You need to grow that out and then brush it down forward over your eyes, man! Stop smiling… turn that smile upside down. And hang that head… And when was the last time you shaved? Whenever it was, it was way to recently. Luckily, I have worked up a prototype image to send to Simms. He can use this as a model, and hopefully he can achieve something close to this look by Sunday, in case he is called in to helm the Broncos.

That’s better.

Go Chargers!!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Who'da Thunk It....

So here we are again. Up and down cardiac football yet again has blessed us with it's schizophrenic presence. As we've established around here, I've become somewhat prescient with interception predictions and as my recent record with my picks will attest, I'm good at nothing else football related.

For what amounts to the second week in a row, praise not vitriol can be directed towards the coaches. Ol' Norvy has surprised me for in consecutive weeks now and well, when the stone is rollin' far be it from me to get all mossy on it so, Norv you can rest easy as you get another week long respite from my ever increasing vocabulary of vulgarity. Congrats Norvy!

There is one thing that I will lay claim to being wholly responsible for. As I was awaiting my plane to arrive this past Friday there was a slight delay according to the big board outside the gate. By slight delay I mean big fucking red blinking "DELAYED" scolding me from the departures screen. A quick check with the gate attendant relayed the info that the plane was in route via Chicago from its original departure point, Philadelphia. Yep. So I waited. As Max has relayed, what I saw was not unlike an infestation of cockroaches and as those gate doors opened, off they scattered into the depths of our town. I had lost count as about 28 Westbrook jerseys assaulted my senses. To top it off, these were not the quiet type fans, these were the full strength battery chucking assfuckers you all love to hate. I'll spare you the gory detail as most of it included listening to these morons stumble through and mispronounce the most basic words, but did not spare me their pathetic attempts. One particularly larger woman, and by large I mean truck scale using, zoo MRI needing large, was particularly vocal. I kindly requested that she sprain her ankle and get a concussion on the way to the bathroom. I've not felt the daggers from another human's eyeballs so sharp since the "Where's your bag?" incident from 2004. But, that was obviously the cause of the actual Westbrook's concussion during the game, so for that, you are all welcome.

So, what's on tap for the Donks this week? Believe me, I'm far beyond guessing, but I'm pretty sure it involves Shawne Merriman, an assault charge and a civil lawsuit. But I'll be leaving the prognosticating to Max from here on out.

Nice work Bolts, keep it set on kill this week. I need not tell you that this is a relatively important game.

Back tomorrow with the new weekly feature, The Rant.

Good News, Everybody!

TBE is back! After his 90+ yards and 2 TDs against the Eagles on Sunday it is overwhelmingly apparent that our running game is 100% revitalized. Unstoppable.

Look, I looooved that game Sunday. I was confident we would win and win we did. I certainly wasn't thinking about that game a few years ago where we lined up for the game clinching field goal against the Eagles and then they blocked it and ran it back for a TD to win and then we didn't make the playoffs but got to be the best team to ever not do that until last year when the Patriots got to be the best team to ever not do that because we are a bunch of cheating cheaters and they should change the rules so that the Patriots can go to the playoffs every year, but they couldn't get everybody to throw out the division winners in the playoff seeding so they just made it against the rules to tackle the QB so Tom Brady would never miss another game and nearly destroy the very fabric of football, but I digress. Couple of things:

As I've said nearly a million times, I hope LT can be what he once was, but I still have my doubts. He didn't make any nifty LT patented cuts on that 20 yard TD, or most of his other runs for that matter. Our line opened holes on Sunday. And why? Probably because teams are no longer worried about defending against the run so much. They will likely adjust, so let's not get to far ahead of ourselves.

I've also said that I would love it if Norv became a good head coach and I would happily support him if that ever became the case. Now, I can't fault Norv too much for his playcalling in the last few weeks, and I happily give him credit, but what the hell was Ron Rivera doing calling off the dogs with a whole half of football (more, really) to play? 400+ yards throwing for McNabb? Inexcusable, and they need to address that pussyfoot bullshit quick.

All in all, though, I'm stoked to be here even better than I thought we'd be a few weeks ago when I righteously predicted our ascent back to relevancy. Now it's time to twist the knife. Go into Denver and let the smell of blood in the water dictate the game. No letting up until the final whistle blows. It's time to announce our fucking presence with authority, damn it!

And honestly...TBE, please be back. Go Bolts!!!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Real Quick.

Pretty sweet win yesterday for the Bolts. Got a little dicey at the end, but then it's never really easy, is it. I'll get into it more later. I really just wanted to put in my two cents on Belichek going for it on 4th and 2 late in last night's game. That call is the proverbial genius if it works, foolish and egotistical if it fails call. Everybody is laying the wood to Belichek today, and I hate the guy, but please. All I can think of is Denver going for 2 against us last year for the win. If that play fails Shanahan gets murdered in the media. It works and he's a visionary. New England probably picks up 2 yards with about 80% proficiency and Peyton had rallied his team back into possession to take the game, so why not take a shot there? It's not the season-the Pats are going to the playoffs without the win for crying out loud. Personally, I think they got the first down, but the NFL continues to butcher it's own rules when it comes to possession on catches. Fortunately, I hate both teams, so I don't really care-I just like pointing out how much the media and NFL Officials suck.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Quick Predicts.

The Denver-Washington game seems like one of those games where the Skins feel like they need to come out and prove to everyone that they can beat a good team. Since Denver has finally come back down to Earth and isn't actually a good team anywhere except record, I fully expect the Skins to eek this one out at the end. 17-13

The Eagles lost to the Raiders. That should infuse our Bolts with enough confidence to send all these Eagles fans home drunk and miserable. 27-24

Go Bolts!!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

I'm Literally Falling Apart

So, I'm on antibiotics and whatnot for some vague illness, but apparently my cohort didn't feel that was enough. CJ got all sinus-y a few days back and proceeded to spend two days gassing the house with germs in a successful attempt to slide that misery on over to me. Then he skipped town with his chick, but not before texting me one last time from Lindbergh that a consortium of Eagles fans was on it's way in as he was on his way out. My point is, CJ sucks. And the town is being descended upon by a plague from the East. Stay as far away from Plum Crazy in PB as possible, Charger faithful. No good can come of mixing it up with these people.

BTW, anybody know how Jay cutler did last night? I don't have the NFL Network, so I don't know. Did he have a good game? I bet he threw for lots of yards and TDs. Two weeks ago Merrill Hodge said Cutler was 'hands down' the best QB in the NFC, so it must've been a clinic last night. Sorry I missed that; I guess I'll just have to wait until NFL Films immortalizes the Bears 2009 march to the Superbowl.

Go Bolts!!!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Monday, November 09, 2009

Real Quick.

Outstanding win for the Bolts. I never really had a doubt we'd pull that one out. Yeah, right. So here we are, back in the thick of things and it's time to swallow some painful medicine. LT is done as a first option at running back. This team needs a running game now. They need to activate Bennett, like yesterday and get him into the game. Sproles can't do it. Hester certainly can't do it. Bennett's the only other option. If the Bolts can bring themselves to do this, the sky's the limit going forward. It's the final piece of the puzzle. Go Bolts!!!

Update: Let me expand a little bit on this whole Bennett thing, as I have a theory that I'm not sure I have mentioned here. Bennett has basically been inactive since about the time he ran the ball four times for 20 yards against Baltimore. The reason cited for this is all the injuries we've had and roster spots we've needed to fill those injury slots, and while I'm sure this is a factor, it seems strange to me that guys like Hester and Kolbert are active instead. Those guys are valuable special teamers they say, but I'm pretty sure Bennett has seen his share of special teams reps at this point in his career. My personal opinion is that AJ and/or Spanos has told Turner that in light of the amount of money dedicated to LT and Sproles, he must make do with those two players in the running game in order to save face for management. Hester must stay in for the same reason (switch dedicated money with draft picks sacrificed, though). This may sound like conspiracy, but it's not like AJ is above this sort of control and if you think Norv is a "Yes Man" then this is right up that alley. Well, now is the time for Turner to sack up and do the one last thing this team needs to succeed. Do I think Bennett is some sort of savior who's going to come in and put up big time fantasy numbers? No, of course not. But I do think that with the Chargers' current running scheme, he makes more sense. Can you imagine what Rivers and Jackson could do if other teams had to respect the run all day long? I shiver.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Ginormously vaGianty Friday Post.

Off to the East Coast to face the vaGiants. These East Coast trips rarely end well for us. Neither does playing against teams with winning records. Seriously, go back and look at the 14-2 year. The vast majority of those wins came against woeful bitches. But they say good teams beat the teams they're supposed to beat, and so far at least, we've done that. We just need to get to a point where the teams we are supposed to beat are pretty much every other team. We're probably not there yet, but I like us in New York for some reason. Maybe it's because they were kind enough to schedule us for a late afternoon game out there, so our guys aren't going to feel like they just got out of bed at kick-off. Seriously, could you imagine playing a game of football at 7:00 in the morgraa;hox,gf-huh! What? Sorry, I fell asleep on my keyboard just thinking about it. There just isn't that much coffee, greenies and meth in the universe. Maybe I like us because we've spent the last two weeks learning how to win, while the vaGiants have spent the last three weeks remembering that they suck (specifically Eli, who everybody wants to say has slipped because he's got planter's warts or some shit and not because he's gone through wild streaks of inconsistency throughout his entire NFL career). Mostly, though, I like us because Philip Rivers will be out there fighting for our honor. Look, I couldn't give a shit that Eli cried his way out of town (we got the better QB, as far as I'm concerned), but that fact remains that these two franchises are tied together by these two QBs and we Charger fans need this win to keep our sanity at this point, because the other guys already got their ring. Do you think Philip Rivers wants you to go insane? AJ, sure. Norv, undoubtedly. But Rivers? No effing way, man.
Gritty, if not wheelsy.

He's got too much to prove. I mean, did you know that people in New Orleans call Drew Brees, Breesus? That's fucked up.
Way too freaking likeable.

In light of my quick return to The Cut the other day, I've decided to add a new, possibly recurring featuring called Sign This. As in, you need to get down with whatever I'm talking about here. The inaugurral(?) subject of sign this will be the show Community. You should be watching this show. It's got Chevy Chase and the guy from The Soup on E! and it's pretty gloriously funny.

[Imagine clip here. I would have included one but NBC is stingey with their shit and their video player sucks balls.]

It's got a good premise and doesn't rely on any single camera or real life comedy gimmicks, it just brings the funny. The best part is you can watch it On Demand, which I do because it conflicts with Bones, which isn't as good as it used to be, but still features Emily Deschanel's boobs which I fully expect to see come out during an episode because all the porn I've downloaded over the years has screwed up my logical conclusion meter. I've had some awkward encounters with nurses and lady cops, let's just leave it at that.

Last note, I have started hearing other people that I don't even know using the term vaGiants. I'm pretty sure I made that up. I should've copywritten that shit, like "That's hot" or "Let's get ready to rumble." It's like the time Comedy Central stole the word ginormous from me and now everybody uses it and acts like I'm crazy when I tell them I made that word up and that they should give me a quarter. True fucking story! People will steal your shit, don't ever forget it.

Go Bolts!!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

I Am A Neglectful Bastard

Earlier today I was reminded that I was neglecting my responsibility to entertain my friends because I am obviously some sort of clown and that lead me to ponder over other things I have been neglecting. Sexing up bitches, cleaning my upstairs windows, my Fantasy Cricket team, sexing up anything, changing the filter in my heater, book reading, that creepy ass space video game I've been playing and this stupid blog. Well, obviously there's nothing I can do about any of those other things, but I can half-ass a quick post here for that sweet endorphin rush that comes from a sense of accomplishing the easiest thing on your list of sad, sad goals.

Let's talk about the Chargers, shall we? All of my predictions are now coming true and while I may not be able to call INTs on any given play in a Jesus-like fashion the way my cohort, CJ does, I feel at least Moses-like in my assessment of our once mighty and now at least nifty Bolts. Denver got trounced by Baltimore and I have no doubt the Steelers will hand it to them as well this coming Monday. The Bolts, on a montagesque journey to rediscover the secret to winning, dismantled back-to-back hapless foes. Now when we manage to beat either or both the stumbling vaGiants and the wildly inconsistent Eagles we will be no more than two games behind when we march into the Craptopolis of Denver to exact our revenge. The back end of our schedule is a walk and the division is ours!!! Bank on it.

On a side note, I'd like to do a quick revisit of an old feature here known as The Cut, where I excercise the easiest part of any coaches job on any damn thing I please. This week's Cut? The new version of the old TV series V. Holy shit was that a bad first showing last night. I realize that network television execs demand ridiculously fast pacing and at least two knife fights, car chases, alien invasion rip-offs per episode, but that does not excuse the terrible dialogue going on here. Exposition is a bitch as a plot device, but it's not flippin' rocket science. Awful. This show is chock full of people I've liked in other stuff, but as my partner in crime said at the time you just can't act your way out of bad writing. Maybe this show settles down and starts to let things develop at a more natural pace now that they appear to be where they want to be, but if they don't do something about that ridiculous dialogue this shit is doomed. Maybe they should turn it into a musical. Lyrics in musicals can be as hokey as you want. You know, because everybody's dancing like an idiot anyway so who's going to notice? I will be watching this show as though it is supposed to be a comedy until further notice.

Tune in again as there is a good chance (33%-Stellar in baseball!) that I'll break down my thoughts on Eli coming to town and gettin' what's comin' to 'im. Go Bolts!!!