Some Hot Charger Girls To Soften The Blow.

Oh God, I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. What is it, like week 6 and Inside the NFL Makes Me Miss My Slightly Less Evil Ex-Girlfriend is really beginning to take its toll. I tried watching half the Wednesday show and half the Thursday show to spread out the pain, but all I accomplished was ruining two whole days instead of just one. Better to take it all in one shot, like Castor Oil (WTF is Castor Oil anyway? I’ve only ever seen it on Tom & Jerry, but that damn cat hates it almost as much as I hate this crap festival, so I assume it’s an ample metaphor.). Lesson learned.

Right off the bat, INFL warns us that they will be featuring Drew Rosenhaus and I can’t afford to keep replacing TVs like this. They will also be hitting us with another Tear Jerker of the Week (TJW) that is again so loosely tied to football it makes my head spin.

The Round Table discussion starts off with the team discussing the undefeateds. The Colts have to be worried about their run D (which was never very good to begin with, but it didn’t matter cause teams don’t tend to run on you when you’re pounding them by 20 pts.). Fortunately the Colts have Peyton Manning, whose erection must be failing a bit since everyone is now focused on felating the other unbeaten team, the Chicago Bears. What is it, week 6 now? Well, guess what? Grossman might already be the second coming of Brett Favre and the ‘72 Dolphins might as well kill themselves because the Bears are only eleven straight victories away from obliterating that sad undefeated season. 14 games? Talk about having it easy. You suck, ‘72 Miami! The fellows then say something about the present day Dolphins, but it’s nothing I haven’t been saying since they signed the Staring Statue to be their field general.

Highlights? You want some freaking highlights?

Cowgirls @ Philly
TO is back and even chicks in frilly pink Eggles jerseys brought their batteries. You give him what for Philly. Too bad it just ends up giving the douche bag even more pub. Talk about your all time backfires. At least your team didn’t choke on it and let him take over the game at any point. Hey Cowgirls, Drew Bledsoe is your QB, you might want to stop people from assaulting him now and then.

Bucs @ Saints
Reggie Bush finally comes up with the big play and now every sports writer in the nation can breathe a big sigh of relief because rookie of the year is wrapped up.

Back to the Round Table. This show is getting so bad, they must be about a step away from replacing Costas with Burt Reynolds. Man law! This discussion is all about whether the Girls should bench Bledsoe in favor of Tony Romo, and now I’ve got a hankerin’ for some ribs. I know, everybody else in the world has used that one, but I think my delivery really hammers it home. The entire discussion is moot, because no matter who is back there for the Cowpies, they aren’t going to do squat unless they are somehow able to phase in and out of this dimension as 300 lbs. defensive linemen try to maul them. But what do I know? Maybe Romo can do that, and then won’t I have egg on my face?

Steelers @ Chargers
Here’s the problem with trying to put your highlight reel together while the game is being played. You have to go back and redub everywhere you said the Steelers controlled the game from start to finish and replace with something about how great Manimal is and how far the Steelers have fallen. Lot’s of good highlights for once, and I actually find myself giddy during INFL. Will wonders never cease?

The Brain Trust gets into a bit of Steelers discussion, and once again Collinsworth is the only one to make the solid point that the Steelers have lost to some good teams and nobody should count them out. I swear to God, you know this is INFLs swan song when Worthless continues to be the only person making sense.

TJW! TJW! TJW!
They lead into the TJW with a side note about how the NFL and Roger Goodell want to do more to internationalize the game. You know, rob fans of home games for their teams so the business can make a couple extra billions? The kids gotta eat, you heartless bastards. Anyway this story is about Chiefs DE Tamba Hali and his flight from W. Africa as a child. I don’t see the NFL putting any games in W. Africa anytime soon, but I’m sure you can see how it ties in anyway. Anyway, Hali had to leave his mother behind when he was ten and now he is able to bring her to the U.S. and it’s a big, happy story but it sucks and I don’t fucking want it on my damn highlights and analysis show! At least they got it right this time and aired this after a Chiefs victory.

Yay! Peter King is here to talk about off the field conduct. Blah blah blah, the fines don’t mean shit to guys who make millions, etc. The only interesting thing here is that Peter King loves to say Commissioner Roger Goodell as though Goodell went to fucking Commissioner school for eight years to earn the title. Peter is then asked if there’s any buzz on the trade deadline front and Peter says not much. You can bet all your favorite players will be playing for different teams by the time you finish reading this.

Ravens @ Denver
John Lynch is miked up for this and since I have to listen to him on the radio once a week because his dad runs the local station, I turn down my volume and put on my best cow stare for the next three minutes.

Jets @ Jags
Two teams that are going to baffle and annoy you all year. Seriously, if these guys played again today, the Jets might blow the Jags out 41-0.

Lions @ Vikes
Didn’t the Lions fire Mike Tice? So, just like Linehan has done with the Rams, Childress is proving that this is his Vikings team by neutering the offense. Even when these games seem exciting, they bore me to tears.

Retard Face-Off!
Question 1) Would you trade for Moss? This was the most wishy washy display I’ve seen all year from Dansterino and…uh…Crarter? Both pretty much say they would trade for Moss if he ended up working out. Okay, NFL GMs, consult your fortune tellers and make an offer.
Question2) Biggest disappointment? This one was awesome, cause on the graphic below the screen they show Daunte Culpepper and Caddy Williams. But the boys don’t bite. Crarter goes with the Giants DEs, Strahan and Usemainfpaoeya. Dantanarama says it’s TO. Collinsworth brings up Aaron Brooks and I’ve got to wonder how disappointing it is to do exactly what everybody said you were going to do.
Question 3) What’s wrong with Indy’s rush D? Corey Simon being out? Bob Sanders? Who cares? I just want to know where the big chucklehead question of the week is, but they don’t have one. Instead they let Daryl Talley get back at Dan for calling him ugly last week. Talley says the ugliest thing he ever saw was Marino try to scramble. I like Daryl Talley. He seems like a real round-around.

Raiders @ Frisco
Here’s your slow motion interview frenzy of the day. This time around, we get to listen to first time NFL head coach Mike Nolan. Every first timer should have at least one game against the Raiders so they too can have their very own slow motion interview frenzy on INFL.

Marino and Carter get together and pick the Panthers to beat the Ravens, even though I could swear Dan started out with the big fake that he was going to pick the Ravens. I can’t be sure because I started boozing it up a while back now. BTW, I’m getting a little tired of people saying that even though McNair’s numbers might actually be worse than Kyle Boller’s he has presence. Fuck your presence. Complete a pass in the first three quarters. Loser.

Redskins @ Giants
Are you ready? Are you ready for the big SIS this week? It’s fucking Drew Rosenhaus! You know, because he represents Shockey (who he refers to as a freak of nature, and I can't exactly argue with that) and Sean Taylor. It seems to me that Rosenhaus has been featured on this shitbox program before. Honestly, these jerk-offs sit around talking about player conduct ruining the game and in the same breath they feature the biggest ruiner of all? I swear every time this guys open his mouth I hate him more than I did ten seconds ago. And the Jerry Maguire schtick is getting ooooooooolllllllllddddddddd. I can only hope his clients see this and realize he actually represents other people. Sometimes even players on other teams! “You said you loved only me, Drew. We hugged.” He talks about the importance of knowing how his players did, so when he calls them they know he really cares. Then you see him asking his staff for stats. Come on Huggy, at least fire up NFL.com yourself. Drew and his army represent 70 different players and he has to keep his head on a swivel to follow all the action. I wish someone would put it on a tee. I hope the King drops your ass, butt face.

And that’s it. That’s all I got. Come back next week for more fun INFL coverage coverage. Assuming I haven’t hanged myself by then.

Suicide is not funny.