Monday, January 22, 2007

Keep In Mind, I Don't Get Paid Squat.

Obviously, I know absolutely nothing about picking football games. I think I'm probably 0-10 against the spread, and 6-4 straight up. Not impressive. But as much as I am bad at guessing shit, I do know one thing. Bad postseason to be a Charger or ex-Charger. Seriously, aside from our own obvious implosion against the Patriots, look what happened to our old flames this weekend.

Reche Caldwell: Goes from looking like Jerry Rice against our Bolts a week ago to looking like...well...Reche Caldwell, against the Colts. Two ridiculously easy, important drops reminded everyone why this guy didn't make the cut on a team whose Wide Receivers looked fingerless last week. Also, why so surprised, Reche?

Or were you just breathing through your eyelids?

Drew Brees: Well, seeing that Brees went a long way in helping to resurrect New Orleans, the goodwill parade will march on even after this Sunday's performance. In truth, his numbers don't look terrible on paper, but if this team had ever been expected to be there in the first place, that grounding penalty resulting in a safety would have been considerd one of the uglier playoff moments in history. The Bears? Really?

And now all of you people who couldn't bear to root for the Patriots this weekend, be prepared to kneel at the altar of Peyton Manning for the rest of his sure to be annoying career. Just as Brett Favre undoubtedly careens toward the end of his career, Manning will be there to take up the mantle. A thousand sportswriters have had their, "Now that Manning has won a Superbowl, we can finally call him the greatest ever" article ready for years. They're two weeks away from hitting the enter key, and quite frankly I don't think the Bears have a chance in that game. That's okay by me, cause Chicago can suck it for thinking they're better than me, but I will miss being able to go all clutching the throat chokey-choke on Peyton. Of course, we all know that I have no talent for picking games, so maybe there's a chance after all. They're not saying "boo," they're saying "You suck, Manning!"

Sunday, January 21, 2007

In Case You Care What I Think.

Saints @ Bears

Saints 30, Bears 17

Pats @ Colts

Pats 20, Colts 17

Suck it.

Friday, January 19, 2007

How About Now?

It's all but said and done that Cameron Cameron will be the new head coach of the Miami Dolphins.

That's the word around town anyway. This pretty much ensures that the next Charger Offensive Coordinator will be Marty's kid, Brian. Tell me again how happy you all are that we held onto the ole Schottenberger. Me? I don't even care anymore, which became apparent to me when I found myself in multiple conversations today regarding how I think the Padres will do this season. My take? They'll probably win the division and get knocked out in the first round of the playoffs again! Oh, maybe I do still care. Go me!!!

It's official.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

This Can't End Well.

You asked for it, San Diego. Now go fuck yourselves and don't come crying to me a year from now, when you feel exactly how you felt Monday.

Word on the street is that Schotty stays, but without a contract extension. Meanwhile, all the assistants will get new contracts. There you have it. Everything old is new again. Look forward to another strong regular season capped off with a cherry-colored shit. Fuck this noise.

I'm Helping.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Up In Arms...

As we all know, the proverbial shit definitely caked the fan to the point of non operation on Sunday evening here at the Murph. Our newly appointed rivals punished us at the expense of our well documented errors for a victory bringing them one step closer to their 4th Super Trophy in the last 6 years. Much acclaim should be showered upon the squad. However, the criticism that has been lobbed not so subtly in TBE's direction for his comments following the Patsies celebration on our turf is not warranted and certainly his class should not come into question.

TBE was one of very few Bolts that actually showed he gave a shit in defeat on Sunday. When certain other members of the NFL have danced and celebrated on opposing teams logos at mid field were dealt with in a much harsher manner. Unfortunately there isn't a youtube I could find, but when he celebrated a touchdown on Dallas' star and Darren Woodson tried to take his head off, I don't remember people calling out Woodson for a "classless act". Why the double standard now?

If anything LTD should be commended for standing up for our program and what he believed after he left his heart on the field. Innappropriate? Maybe. But, I'd rather have a guy like that going to war for us than the other Chargers that stood there and took it in the shitcan lubeless as the Patsies danced in our house.

Sorry if that is a dissenting opinion and with all due respect, I like LTD that much more for wearing our uniform and defending our squad. Perhaps if everyone had played with that passion on Sunday, we wouldn't be watching two other teams battling for the right to go to the Super Bowl.

You Gotts Take Your Licks.

Seeing that Manimal was pretty much invisible throughout the game Sunday (albeit because he was wearing an Official New England Patriots Offensive Lineman Necklace most of the day), this article from The Brushback is fair enough.

Also, I love TBE to death and all, but the fact of the matter is, the Bolts gave that game away and I don't care if the entire Patriots team shit on the midfield lightning bolt, hang your head in shame and walk away. Truth be told, Tomlinson doesn't even really have to hang his own head in shame, but walk away none-the-less. I enjoyed pro-bowler Kassim Osgood's take on the whole thing yesterday where he said that there is no point in talking about it now, just give it right back next time.

We're all gonna live through this. Most of us, anyway. Honest.

Monday, January 15, 2007

It's Anger. It's Sorrow. But It's Mostly Anger...

It's been 24 hours, the alloted time I felt necessary to avoid unproductive ranting about what happened on our field yesterday. I've had 24 hours to digest that misery, and I do have to say, it's no better now than it was as the final gun sounded, unmercifully ejecting us from the postseason and any Super Bowl delusions. Forgive me for this, it is fueled purely on emotion and will probably lack any constructive thought, and some say don't write angry. I say, that might make for some memorable work, so fuck your rules, I'm making my own rules now. The game in review starts now...

What Went Wrong:

Aside from losing the game? Everything went wrong. It starts with the dropped passes, E. Parker's first folly was entirely a fumble and we were lucky it wasn't ruled as such. Instead it just killed the drive. It's easy to jump on E. Parker in this one. He was atrocious. I spent the better part of the last two years supporting 88 and his cause. I liked his hustle, his mettle, his desire to throw his body into the fire to reel in any football thrown in his general direction. And then yesterday happened. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Dropped passes, fumbled punts, fucking inexcuseable. I don't want to crucify E. Parker because I'm fairly positive he's not out celebrating like the Donks after getting ousted from the playoffs, but dammit, we were so close.

Fourth Down and Eleven.

This is going to be the launching pad for the criticism of Mr. Marty. I never thought that it would happen again. I never in my wildest dreams imagined this type of coaching performance in a playoff game. Kick the damned ball and take a three point lead. Nope not for us.

There are a few instances I can go to here, but since last night I've been to the end of the internet and back scouring said sacred place for enough pornography to help out with my aching heart. There isn't enough porn sometimes. Challenging the McCree play? Who would have figured that a time out would be an important factor in a football game? Perhaps, we might have been able to run another play in the game's final drive to get ourselves closer than 54 yards from tying field goal. Yeah, I know, only getting LTD 9 touches in the second half, and someone greenlighting the prevent defense. Funny thing was, it didn't look like Quentin was playing prevent when he pressed Reche Caldwell on the outside and wound up bare assed in front of the whole world.

It all sucked. Individually, they were questionable decisions, together, they were too much amidst many, many other factors in our demise.

The Penalties.

Drayton Florence. Shane Olivea. Bad decisions. Bad decisions that we could not overcome. Singularly, maybe not so bad. Combined with the other horrendous atrocities just too much to overcome.

The Leadership.

On the field and off, there was none. Save Donnie Edwards and LTD, on field leadership was non-existent. Who was there to slap Drayton back into reality when he lost his head feeling obligated to smash helmets with a lineman allowing the Patsies drive to continue? Who was there to clearly define the situation on fourth down when Marlon picked off the pass? Who was there to get E. Parker out of his game long funk? No one. Not a coach, not a player, not a God. No one. Just an undisciplined group of guys playing a pickup football game on a patch of grass in San Diego. Inexcuseable. Who is to blame? The players? The coaches? Who? Why were we so unprepared in a football game of this magnitude?

Points off Turnovers.

Three Tom Brady interceptions.

Zero points.

The Solution?

Fucking fire everyone. Everyone. All the coaches. Drayton. Eric. Vincent. All of 'em. It's either change nothing, or change it all. But, that culture that was born yesterday needs to be killed like a bad disease. Otherwise it will continue to fester and plague us for the forseeable future. I have never in my entire existence seen a more poorly played football game than the one I witnessed yesterday, and yes that includes the never to be spoken of again Leaf years. And it's even worse to think that had any of these things gone another direction, we would have won the game. All things being equal, we were still in the game, despite the dropped passes, penalties, coaches and all around shit that was that football game.

What this means...

In the long run, hopefully nothing. In the short run, it means no Super Bowl. A tough 2007 schedule, a new coach perhaps, some new player personnel. Who knows? I know it means no celebrating. No more cheerleaders. No more Super Bowl dreams. Hopefully the window won't be closing, and more importantly, hopefully we haven't taken LTD's best opportunity for greatness from him. I'm sick in my heart for him.

It's also a message to the idiot Donkey fan who felt obligated to send me a text message as the final gun sounded. Don't think I have forgotton that inexcusable behavior. Your little text message will pale in comparison to the wrath you will be forced to rekon with in the very near future. Of this I swear to all that I hold holy in this world.

It also means that this...

will have to fill the void until the next September kickoff.

Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to go drown myself in Jack Daniels and breasts.

I Did Not Sleep Last Night. See?

So I’m reading all the fan letters to the San Diego Union-Tribune Express Post Journal this morning and the overwhelming majority of fans seem to think that Marty Schottenheimer had little, if anything to do with the loss of that game. Now, I’ll admit that the things that stand out here are individual plays by individual players. For Example:

1) Clinton Hart leaping like a ballerina only to try and reel in an interception near and around his crotchal region.

2) Eric Parker dropping a big third down conversion.

3) Big Vinny’s refusal to drag his foot in the end zone.

4) Eric Parker dropping a big third down conversion.

5) Drayton Florence’s ridiculous personal foul to keep the Pats alive on a crucial drive.

6) Eric Parker muffing a big punt.

7) Marlon McCree’s refusal to cover up an ill-advised fourth down interception.

8) Eric Parker dropping a huge third down conversion.

Every one of those plays were big contributors to yesterday’s heart breaking loss, but they do not in any way absolve Marty of his personal crimes. For example:

1) Going for it on 4th and 11 in the first quarter, eschewing a 48 yard field goal, in an obvious attempt to prove to the world that he could be aggressive in the post season.

2) Signing off on the prevent defense at the end of the first half that prevented nothing.

3) Having a team so unprepared that they were forced to call a timeout after a television timeout on a crucial fourth quarter third down, resulting in a pass to Eric Parker that he didn’t even have the opportunity to screw up himself he was so covered.

4) Signing off on an offensive gameplan that had TBE carrying the ball 9 times in the second half.

5) Throwing the red flag on a fantasy challenge the likes of which makes leprechauns and unicorns say, “Not in your wildest dreams!” That one may have haunted us the most ultimately.

6) Once again, putting his kicker in the most difficult of situations during the playoffs without so much as trying to make one more play for a better outcome. 8 seconds is plenty of time to hit the sideline or throw it away and still try your 54 yarder Marty.

Ironically, the thing that killed Marty was his decision to second guess his own methods. Driving a stake through the heart of Martyball drove a stake through the heart of this town. He should have let his pro bowl kicker kick that first one. TBE should have carried the ball 35 times. Too often the play was put on Rivers, who played well enough for a young quarterback whose receivers continually dropped balls and/or focus.

I, too, see the irony in canning a coach after a 14-2 season, but everyone in the world knew that this game was about exactly that. It’s been a fun ride at times Marty, but all too sad in the long run. Good luck building a solid team for someone else wherever you go next. You are truly the best regular season coach the world has ever known. Maybe someday you will meet your destiny and be paired with Peyton Manning. The two of you could destroy a perfect season together, I’m sure of it.

As for next week, I can not with any conviction vote for the Colts or the Pats, they both make me all with the queasy stomach and such. If the Bears manage to knock off the Saints, football likely ends for me there. I’ll watch, of course, but my heart was all but snuffed out yesterday. I don’t know how much you’ll see from me up here for a while. I’ll try to stay current, but most of the features will be gone until next season. No more INFL summaries for me. No more Cuts either, but if you haven’t already guessed, my last Cut is Eric Parker. Everybody drops passes, but I will never be able to figure out what he was trying to do on that muffed punt.

To the rest of the guys, thanks for the season, it sure was a lot of fun. See you next year. Go Bolts!!!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

That Was Disheartening.

Not much left to root for, but I'll go ahead and hang my hat on this guy.

Geaux Saints!!!

I Was Wrong. All Year Long...

2006 Regular Season...

2006 Postseason. And really, the story all along.

Very special thanks to Eric Parker, Marlon McCree, Vincent Jackson, and most of all, Marty Schottenheimer. We are now officially accepting applications for a vacant head coaching position. Fuck you all very much.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

I'm Alive, Damn It!

Thank God these two stopped by.

Being that I am one with the computing machine and a vast perveyor of the webnet, the machine and I have become wholly symbiotic. Translation: We both caught nasty viruses this week. Actually, I don't think the machine ever actually had a virus; I think my shitty virus protection software provider really wanted some more of my money. Fuck you, rhymes with Horton. Anyway, regardles of whether the ole Speak and Spell was sick or not, I was. That means that those of you who may have been thinking I may be dead were not that far off.

Horrible timing too, what with the Bolts about to match up with their first annihilatee tomorrow and I have done nothing to shore up the faith of the masses. Indeed if I haven't received nervous messages from friends and loved ones wondering whether it is okay to feel fear with the indomitable Patriots coming to town. Oh how the wicked masses of sports "personalities" can infects the minds of true believers when the shepherd has been seperated from the flock. Well, I'm here to tell you all to stow away your fear and sail calmly upon the serene seas of self-assuredness, for our mighty Chargers shall prevail this weekend and in the weeks to come. This weekends match-ups, en toto? Have at thee, Predicticous! (Hey, what can I say? I was inspired by CJs heavy Christian overtures regarding Bill Bitchinchek.)

Indy @ Balt
I've been picking against the filthy Ravens all year to no avail, so suck my jinx, fuckers!!!
Ravens 20, Colts 17

Philly @ New Orleans
Jeffrey Garcis is pretty feel good, but not Katrina feel good. The NFL will never allow it!
Saints 31, Eggles 28

Seattle @ Chicago
God, I hate the Bears and I don't even have a good reason. They are just lame. Too bad Seattle
Bears 21, Hawks 16

New England @ Waterloo
This game is going to be very, very close. Hold your breath.
Bolts 1000, Pats 3

997 of those points come in the last quarter, so wow, nailbiter! Not.

Go Bolts!!! As if they need to hear it from me. But seriously, Go Bolts!!!

The Quick Hits.... I'm Sick of this Version...

I love bye weeks. Especially in the playoffs. It gives me ample time to sit on my ass and wax intellectual with the main proprietor of this site about our beloved. It seems as if this week off has actually melted all sense of reason for those who weild a keyboard and get paid to do so. I've followed football since I can remember. I remember nearly breaking the coffee table at my house when Eric Seivers caught a big pass in a big game that I can't really remember. I know that it was quite possibly the biggest game I had watched in my young career, and I remember that I was running around the house like a crazed maniac inebriated on football and caffeine. And we don't even need to speak of the fight I had to put up so that I could stay up to watch Kellen Winslow's heroics against that Miami team way back when. Sorry Mom, that must have been trying. So, in a round about way, here's the point... I've studied this game for a very long time, and it puzzles me how with just a scant seven days off, how the professionals can be so wrong.

I'm also a Bill Simmons proponent. I've been reading him for some time and usually enjoy his work thoroughly. And I knew going into this week there would be some intense homerism from his angle and that it would be hard for him to distance himself from the 3 time champs and acknowledge that the Pats were underdogs in this game. But, does that give you license to spew nonsense. Let's recap...

*Everyone, not limited to just Simmons has been riding the "Schottenheimer Sucks in the Playoffs" angle to death this week. Yes, we understand that the 5-12 playoff record doesn't seem like an attractive stat on the books. But, in a case where all involved have made it public knowledge that if Marty fails to win a Super Bowl this season, his job will be sweeping the trash out of the parking lot of the Murph. Do you really think that Coach wants to lose his job? Do you really think that he won't win the game? Do you think he is going to just go out there and intentionally play not to lose? It's not like he's going to be brownbagging a 40 of Ol' E on the sidelines with that "I'm going to the unemployment office right after the game" look on his face. If anything, he has something to prove. Do you want to play against our team with a megamammoth chip on our dyanabol fueled shoulders? I don't either.

*The steroid angle is not only played out, it's dumb. " I know that it's intimidating to face a San Diego defense with two known steroid guys on it -- after all, people who use steroids are prone to violent acts of rage." That's an actual quote. From a professional paid sportswriter. Is he actually saying that no one on the Patriots has ever done steroids? No professional football players save Shawne Merriman and Luis Castillo have been known to use performance enhancing drugs? Rodney Harrison, not prone to "violent acts of rage"? How do you collect a paycheck?

*"I know how it looks on paper. I know the Pats have to play perfectly to win. I know they can't turn the ball over. I know they have to knock Tomlinson around like they did Marshall Faulk in Super Bowl XXXVI. I know they can't give up any long plays to Antonio Gates. I know they can't screw up on special teams. I know they have to run the ball, keep running the ball and keep San Diego off the field." According to the Sports Guy, this is all the Pats need to do to be victorious this weekend. Stop The Best Running Back ever, that should be a one man task. Cover The Best Tight End ever, whilst not losing sight of TBE. Not give up any big plays, and then, run the ball effectively against a defense that devours running backs keeping our offense off of the field. I don't think that's too much to ask. I mean, you have Bill Belichek over there, he can move mountains with his brain causing monumental tsunamis in the process, and then he can part the seas deflecting all of the destructive power of the oceans like Moses. He is God you know.

*Does anyone besides myself and Max here realize that the Patriots are a Tier #2 team? They play in the AFC East. That's six wins against the Dolphins, Jets, and Bills. Not to mention the Jets (?) dominated them on their own turf during the regular season. That game last week? A joke. The Jets are awful. I repeat, the Jets were awful. An overachieving group in a piss poor division in the AFC. Oh, they also played the powerhouse NFC North this season. The Bears, Packers, Vikings and Lions. Gee, that might be the worst 12-4 team in the history of football. What kind of balls does it take to ignore the fact that the Pats don't match up against us well in any sense? Run Defense? Advantage Bolts. Secondary? Advantage Bolts. Running Backs? Tight End? Advantage Bolts. Oh, but that Tom Brady. He, like Belichek, is infallible. He can save the world with a wave of his mighty palm. He and Madonna and Angelina Jolie should combine their superpowers and rebuild the Death Star in the name of world domination.

*Phillip is 0-0 in the playoffs. That of course means he will be terrible. He's unproven. So, of course he will be terrible. It's the only logical conclusion. I don't remember people taking that angle when Jesus Brady was 0-0 in the playoffs. Or for that matter, when Ben Rothlisberger did the improbable and won the Super Bowl with four consecutive road wins last year. Yeah, we're in serious trouble.

*LaDainian Tomlinson. Antonio Gates. Shawne Merriman, Luis Castillo, Jamal Williams and the rest of our 14 pro bowl players. I like our chances with that roster. Call me crazy.

So here's to raising a snifter of Ny-Quil, the Mint Green cocktail of suicide version, to total Bolt domination on Sunday. Here's to no professional accountabililty, or impartiality for paid sportswriters everywhere. I need boobies...

Go Bolts, in a rout...!!!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Is it Sunday Yet?

I had a dream last night that covered the entire first two possessions of Sundays game. It was wild. Things went well, but I don't want to describe it and spoil it.

Ok anyway, here are some thoughts and a couple of photos for you all today...

Tony Gwynn
First of all, I also have to tip my hat to Mr. Padre, Tony Gwynn. He is one of my favorite athletes of all time. I can't count how many times I have watched him late in a game with 2 outs and he goes 0-2 and neither he nor I are worried. Only the pitcher is, because T was just sizing up the reliever's arm. Then, Knock! He's standing on 2nd base looking around like. "That worked." Gongrats on the hall, Tony- you are the man.

I ran across this photo the other day. Does the one kid look to be related to one of the contributors of this blog? Or maybe he just wasn't in the mood to "make a funny face."

Charger Fiesta!
Well, you can finally start to feel the Charger frenzy around this town. Here's a cool aerial shot of the effort of some local fans. This is a spot that I know the writers here have all spent many a hot, drunken, sandy afternoon playing in the OTL tourney. Ahh... good times!

And here's a shot of the parking lot at the Q last night. When this many come out for a rally, I hope that's a sign that the game will just be pure madness. Here's to that 12th man making things numb for the chowdahead crew on Sunday.

This bye has been tough, but you got to love it. Let all of our players heal up (How many of our starters to we have? All of them?), and just enjoy having your football team be in it and talked about in mid Jan. Hopefully that keeps rolling in to February too.... Cheers and GO CHARGERS!!!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Congratulations Tony Gwynn!

First ballot Hall-of-Famer!!!

Quite possibly the greatest athlete San Diego has ever known.

Monday, January 08, 2007

The Bye Week in Review...

About Thursday of last week I decided that paying attention to the first round of the playoffs might be the best damned thing in the world since nudity on cable. Saturday was then designated as the "Day I Overdosed on Football" as I parked it couchside about 4 feet from the television and rooted wholeheartedly for certain things to happen. Some did, and some didn't, let's recap...

As mentioned around here more times than Brittney's vagina, I'm in a season pick 'em pool, and no it's not one of those megapussy winners only pools. No, this is the real deal, against the motherfuckin' mafioso damned spreads, to top it off, the Tuesday lines. That's right, the openers. No time for adjusting to what popular opinion dictates, nope, the "Holy Shit We Have NO Fucking Clue Line Let's Just Hope These Idiots Miss" lines. Once again this year, after a fucking abysmal start (by abysmal I mean I averaged three games right for the first five weeks of the season) I managed to scratch my way back to the top of the "superillegalfootballgamblingpool". Now, the playoffs really bring meaning as the, well, whatever, the games are more important so I need to get them right.

As I put a permanent ass print into my couch, I was surrounded by a bunch of assdouches who kept speaking about Larry Johnson like they'd been bunkmates at fat camp, or gay camp if you will. I heard all kinds of statistical predictions for the game against the Colts, and I'm not making this up,

Idiot #1: "He'll go for 375 with 4 touchdowns against that defense today."
Idiot #6***: "Really? Wanna bet?"
Idiot #1: "Well, no. But he will go for like 280 with 3."
Idiot #6***: "Really? Wanna bet?"
Idiot #1: "What do you think he's gonna do then smartass?"
Idiot #6: "Well, I don't see Indy letting him beat them that way. I mean, wouldn't you be forced to quit or kill yourself if you were a coach there and you let him beat you?"
Idiot #1: "What?"
Idiot #6: "Well you're dumb as a dead fucking rock and I'm not explaining it to you. He'll probably get a hundred and a touchdown."
Idiot #1: "How does a rock die? You're the idiot."

Needless to say the smart quotient in the room was set on kindergarten, but thing went exactly like I thought. In fact, they went perfectly according to my little plan. And save the Jets debacle, I picked up three games in the "superfuckingillegalfootballgamblingpoolthatthecopscanneverknowabout".

You see, my little plan was for the Colts to win, and win handily, which they did. Peyton looked atrocious lobbing interceptions like he was anxiously giving away his backdoor virginity. But, like Herm Edwards kept slobbering into microphones, his Squaws deserved the playoffs and performed accordingly. Hey Herm, just a tip here, maybe I don't know shit*** but, if Indy is crashing their one "most likely to kill your running back" safety, maybe you ought to come out throwing to the spot he vacates. I guess that might be helpful in the future Hermy. Anyway, Indy rolled, and now media types everywhere are climbing back on their high horse. "It's Indy's Year!!!" I can't wait.

With the afternoon game done, my television started eminating an odor of feces as the NFC polluted the evening session at my house. It was enough to call it a night and prep for Part II of the "Master Plan".

The Jets were Part II. Unfortunately, that sucked shit for my picks, strangely I convinced myself that would be a field goal game. It wasn't. But, Part II of the Master Plan fell right into place. New England is back baby, and they are stumping into town next Sunday afternoon to attempt a tackle on our Bolts. And, as you well know, New England has won three Super Bowls, their Quarterback has given gracelessly aging single women hope for their lives, rebuilt New Orleans with toothpicks and duct tape, "solved that thing" in the middle east and reversed global warming. So when we pound them by 24 on Sunday, it will be the shocker of the century, and we're not planning on being generous with the lube, being the #1 seed and all.

That's right, give all the love to those that aren't us. You see, there are two tiers in the AFC right now. Tier #2, which encapsulates everyone that isn't us, and then their is Tier #1, which is all inclusive of, us. Tier #2 contains all of the teams that aren't going to beat us. Call it parity, call it a significant step down in talent, but they can't play in Tier #1. But no one knows this but me and Max here, and well, now you. You see how the Master Plan works? Take the attention and focus from us, do it. It's good. It helps. It's almost like we are underdogs. Just the way I wanted it. Awesome. I can't wait for Sunday.

Allison of the Pats Cheer Squad Will be Defecting this Sunday

*** Idiot #6 was myself, as I was the sixth dumbest idiot in a room that contained six people.

Oh, Go Bolts!!!

Great Commercial

Sunday, January 07, 2007

NFC Mildcard Match-Up #2

Eggles 23, VaGiants 20

Extra! Extra! Coughlin outcoached! In keeping with bottle cap puzzles, see if you can figure this one out:

is a


I wonder if whoever wins the NFC will even show up for the Superbowl. They shouldn't.

AFC Mildcard Match-Up #2

Patriots 37, Jets 16

For those of you who ever enjoyed those Lucky Lager bottle cap puzzles, here's a treat. Chad Pennington is a:

+ D

I'm going to enjoy watching my team demoralize the Patriots next weak. Good times. Go Bolts!!!

Chargers Win...

...on Sunday, next week at 1:30 agaist the "winner" of the Pats-Jets game today. Just in case you wanted to know.

NFC Mildcard Match-Up #1

Seahawks 21, Cowgirls 20

Troy Aikman Jr. can't find the infamous handle on the football.

Any chance that scars him for the rest of his career? Sure, why not? The Cowgirls are soooo gay.

AFC Mildcard Match-Up #1

Colts 23, Chiefs 8

Begs the question: Does this

equal this

Or this?

Anybody else get the felling the Colts have just been fucking with everybody for the last month and a half? Yeah, me neither.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Picky, Picky.

Here we are at the big weekend where we get to find out who the Chargers' first victims shall be. It's exciting stuff to be sure, watching the cream seperate from the chafe.Her's how I know the whole thing is going to go down.

Cowgirls @ Seahawks
Everybody is so all fired up about the Girls and having them all confused with the '95 team due their supposed talent all over the field. TO? Romo? Roy Williams? I got news for you. That talent is flawed. I have to admit though, I'd be concerned if I were a Hawks fan about the voicemail I got from Mike Holmgren yesterday asking me if I'd like to come out and play a little DB for the squad today. Sorry Mike, I couldn't get a flight. I think you'll be okay, though.
Hawks 34, Girls 26

VaGiants @ Eagles
As for the other NFC joke, I just can't see Whiny McPouts-a-lot leading his team anywhere but the toilet at this point. My money's on the gay QB.
Eggles 23, VaGiants 17

Chiefs @ Colts
Everybody likes to salivate over what Larry Johnson could do the the Colts defense and with good reason. I'd be surprised to see him end up with less than 175 yards and 3 TDs. Problem is, the Colts aren't bringing their punter either and their going to score first and last. They always lose in the playoffs, but it's usually against a better team. Sorry Chiefs, that ain't you.
Colts 38, Chiefs 31

Jets @ Pats
And here's our winner. The Jets have no business being in the post season and even they have to know it. Sure they beat the Pats in New England during the regular season and Bill the Genius of the East wouldn't shake Mangini's hand, but this is the playoffs. Look for the Pats to rout the Jets and Belichek to spit on Mangini while he makes it a point to shake his hand. Seeyou next week Tom Montana.
Pats 31, Jets 13

That's how it plays out. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be off by a point on any of these picks, so go out and make yourself a mint. She agrees.

Go Bolts!!!

Friday, January 05, 2007

Real Quick.

And who doesn't like quickies? Anyway, if you're not checking out The Brushback on a weekly basis, you're missing gems like this. Seriously, harping on that guy never gets old. Wondering who I'm talking about but thinking about not checking out the link? Here's a taste:

"One thing I’ve learned from Eli’s teammates is you never mention the words ‘San’ and ‘Diego’ in front of him, unless you want to see one goddamn hilarious temper tantrum.”

Sometimes made-up sports news is the best kind. Although I'm not sure that article is entirely made up.

Technology Can Suck It!

So, the new blogger was down most of the day yesterday, making it impossible for me to post a timely tirade about the Padres attempt to acquire Randy Johnson from the Yankees. I had the whole thing ready to go and I was unable to post it before the news came across that the Diamondbacks had gone ahead and saved us from that disaster. Time wasted. Typically, I’m all about flushing time down the toilet, but only on my fucking terms, damn it! For instance, I’ve quit jobs before and spent two months laying on the couch ordering pizza and watching Saved By The Bell reruns without really ever wondering if somehow there could be more to life.

On the flipside, I once crushed my spine and was forced to lie on the couch for two whole fucking days and it was the most miserable bullshit on the planet. Anyway, the whole thing really cheesed me off, so in order to teach the new blogger a lesson, I intentionally forewent watching Inside Your Granny’s Pap Smear. Of course, when I woke up this morning I realized that the new blogger likely didn’t even give a shit and it was too late for me to take it back. It's like this argument I once had with a ex-girlfriend right near the end of our relationship:

Her: Do these pants make me look fat?

Me: Sure do. In fact, could you hock me up some Ambergris? I need a new car.

Nope, can’t take it back. So, no INFL recap. Before you thank me though, let me go ahead and tell you how I think the show probably went:

Chris Collinsworth cried four an hour because Jay Cutler’s team let him down, but he’ll show everyone next year when he leads the Shit Ponies back to the Promised Land and no one else even comes close.

Marino claimed that since he basically took every possible side on every pick, debate or question posed the entire year, technically he’s been right about everything so far.

Cris Carter admitted that the whole time he had been talking about the greatness of Mike Vick this year he thought he was talking about Vince Young, because even he gets black people confused for each other from time to time.

Costas rode around the studio on a unicycle and juggled bowling pins for an hour.

Peter King claimed that Saban might be going to Alabama after all and that the NFL needs to crack down on people that shoot their players and hit them with more than a four game suspension and a token fine. Some of these “gang-bangers” make up to $10,000,000 a year, and a $35,000 fine is not an effective deterrent for murder. Commissioner Roger Goodell assured King he was taking a hard look at the issue.

Meet Regina Smith. She’s Lovie Smith’s Aunt and also the most popular parking lot attendant in Cincinnati. Ironically, Regina never learned to drive herself. The fans in section G-3 love Regina so much that they all chipped in and got her driving lessons for Christmas. That’s not all, though. They pooled donations from other tailgating fans and raised over $10,000 for a new car. Nephew Lovie pitched in the rest and now Regina is styling in a brand new Toyota Camry. Oh, and you guessed it, she’s a huge Bengals fan!

Also, the Bengals lost.

There, I hope that was good enough to tide you over until we get into the super fun and not at all tedious postseason episodes of this glorious parade of horse droppings.

Now, one last piece of business. I promised my take on the teams in the NFC. Well, since two of them will be gone by Monday, I better get this over with now. So, in the interest of saving time, I’m going to kind of lump the entire division together in a quick, concise descriptive. Here goes:

That about covers it. Hope you’re all enjoying the New Year. I’ll have my Wildcard prognostications up before play starts tomorrow so keep your bookies on hold. Go Bolts!!!