Thursday, January 10, 2013

Brent Musburger: There Outta Be a Law

As I'm sure you all know by now, once renowned football booth talent Brent Musburger has become a drooling psychopath, bent on the humiliation and objectification of women everywhere. During a broadcast of the BCS Championship game, Musburger somehow must have wrested the camera from a nearby cameraman-presumably beating the cameraman bloody in the process during a testosterone fueled assault-and panned it lasciviously over Albama quarterback AJ McCarron's girlfriend, Katherine Webb. Mussberger went on to comment unabashedly on the attractiveness of the current Miss Alabama pageant title holder, quite possibly while rubbing his old man nipples in the most offensive way possible. Viewers at home probably thought that the local affiliate had accidentally switched footage to an episode of the Howard Stern program.

As of press time there appears to be no law to regulate the acknowledgment of beautiful women by old, creepy and most importantly, male sports broadcasters-surely a Congressionary oversight-, but one can only hope heavy fines and suspensions are pending. Someone has to think of the children!This is not the America we all dream of.

Breaking Update: Apparently sports news sources have tracked down footage of Musburger making a horribly degrading comment about Florida State Seminoles fan, Jenn Sterger some years ago, as she innocently watched her favorite team play while tastefully decked out in a bikini swim suit and "daisy duke" shorts. She never asked for this sort of attention. The following footage is not intended for children or those suffering from anxiety:

Shocking. Jenn Sterger, you may remember, achieved notoriety largely for being somehow spotted in the stands at Seminoles games and again later for receiving pictures of Brett Favre's penis.

Be sure to catch our upcoming feature, Old Men: Why So Gross?

Telesco: The Profile

Lucky you, I have finally received what is probably an advanced copy of the UT’s upcoming expose of Tom Telesco, by none other than beloved local sports columnist Kevin Acee, possibly.

Tom Telesco: Man, Myth or Legend? All of the Above
The first time I laid eyes on Tom Telesco was a few years ago while the Chargers were visiting Indianapolis during the regular season. This was at a time when Norv and AJ’s crew had Indy’s number so I was putting together a piece on how the Colts front office executives dealt with the realization that their team was sorely overmatched by the squad that AJ Smith had put together. Out talented, outcoached, Indianapolis was surely caught in the throes of a depression that likely had them on the edge of throwing in the towel against Norv’s Chargers and getting a head start on planning for the next week’s game. I was there to find out how they managed to go on.
I found Telesco, then Director of Player Personnel in Indianapolis at a local orphanage, speaking to the youngsters about what it takes to succeed in today’s fast paced world, where holding out a hand and asking for more isn’t always an option.

With a confidence born of experience I listened, enraptured as Telesco addressed the children. “Don’t think just because you’re horrible, filthy orphans with no parents that people are just going to hand you things in this life. They won’t. They’ll call you names like stupid orphans, filthy orphans, ugly orphans, orphans who can’t read and stinking, putrid orphans. And you will need to find a way to rise above being the horrible orphans that you are! Now I gotta get out of here, this place is digusting-don’t touch me!”
Needless to say, I left that orphanage wondering if I wasn’t witnessing the birth of a new player in this modern NFL, pioneered by visionaries like the Chargers’ own AJ Smith. I asked AJ if he’d had the opportunity to ever speak with Telesco, and like the aloof John Wayne figure he is, AJ merely replied, “That’s for me to know, and for you to find out.”

Fast forward  a few years,
I bummed a ride with Telesco after his initial interview with the Chargers and as we sped down the parkway blasting Aerosmith's "Sweet Emotion" in his rented Lexus convertible, I felt a electrifying sensation I had not known in the weeks since it became apparent that AJ would be leaving. As we pulled up to a stop sign in Mission Beach-I wanted to point out some choice breaks to my new friend- a vagrant approached the car with a squeegee and a hand out- naturally! Without skipping a beat, my man Tommy T produced a can of industrial strength bear mace and fired a salvo directly in the hobo's filthy face, screaming "Get out of here, you damn bum!" It was then that I knew the Chargers had a special guy on their hands.

I called Dean immediately on the hotline-Dean’s private cell phone number that he guards with the temerity of a pit bull lording over a particularly juicy steak-and told him not to overlook this opportunity. I don’t pretend to have any influence whatsoever on the decisions of a figure like Dean Spanos, but I’d like to believe that my call at least prompted the mogul to take another look at his notes on Telesco.
So here we are and Tom Telesco is the new General Manager for the San Diego Chargers. I feel confident that Telesco is capable of leading this team into the second greatest era in Chargers history. It’s unlikely the team will ever win a Superbowl. That ship sailed with AJ and Norv. But I expect Telesco's team to place very high in the AFC West many times in his reign at the helm. And in San Diego, knowledgeable football people know that competing for the division is the noblest of NFL causes.

I don’t expect the fans to understand the complexities involved in putting together a great football team. I’ll leave that to the football men. Men like AJ Smith. Men like Tom Telesco.

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Girl Fight! Girl Fight! Girl Fight!

Change is finally in motion hurrah, hurrah. We, the "angry torch toting villagers", Canepa's nice way of calling us the village idiots, have finally gotten what we wanted. The change we've been wanting since the first day that the Norv Turner era began. It's finally here! And it pisses Nick off.

You see, Nick is still of the ilk that change for change sake is wrong. That making changes sets you up in a dangerous position of failure as the next regime may be worse than the previous regime.  Don't you remember when Norv Turner won 11 consecutive games? Nick does. That feat alone is good enough for Nick to grant Turner license to further ram this train into the Great Wall of China for infinite years to  come.  Ignore the fact that he stated this season that we were the worst team in the league. Nick said and wrote it October 3, 2012, "Ugly Loss Proves Chargers Worst Team in NFL". This is where I link to the article but the rag that employs these dolts (read: Acee/Canepa) is now charging for the archived articles. When did the Spani buy the paper? How did that slip past me..?

Then we were blessed with the October 17, 2012 Canepa effort, "After Monday's Mugging What Chargers Fans Crave is 'Frankencoach'". Ha! A link! , and you'll remember that spawned this response from our own Max Colossus, and really, who would turn down a coach like that? 

Curiously, Nick posted this. A direct contradiction to his affront to the fans passionate pleas to earhole the plant masquerading as a head coach on our sideline since Marty took the proverbial fall. Take it away Nick:

They need a man who will man-up and admit his failings and not get overwhelmed by his success, a rock star who can raise the public pulse. 

Really? But what about what you said earlier?

But if Turner should go, I know which qualities the Villagers will demand to see in the next Chargers Coach. For sure, he can't be a great guy. Maybe not even a decent guy.

Go on...

In other words, the next coach must not be Norv Turner, or anyone like Norv Turner. He cannot be a prince among men.


He must never say, "We're going to get better," because if he does he will know if he does is isn't going to happen.

But, but, but, now you're saying we need a guy that will man up and admit his failings and not get overwhelmed by his success, a rock star who can raise the public pulse? Isn't that what we were asking for when you got all pissy and called us the village idiot? Weird this world of internets where everything is permanently on display.

Picking on Nick is getting rather low brow lately, let's shift gears. Our other troll Acee today writes that Nick is full of shit and that what the Chargers need is a winner! A winner you hear! Not a face. Face bad. Winner good. Acee go!

Sure, John Gruden or Mike Holmgren would sell tickets right away.

That's bad why?

A coach will excite enough people enough that they'll buy tickets. But it won't result in a cash infusion that would single handedly eradicate blackouts, or, say, offset the cost of such a big-name coach. And, certainly, such a bump would be temporary without the right results.

So, a town that has passionately been begging for a group that cares about winning, who you believe would immediately, just on name alone, buy tickets to see such a new group, would not be best served by a person that would inspire this behavior? Because, the buying of tickets that are currently going unsold would not offset the cost of bringing in such a coach? And, an immediate bump in ticket sales all by just putting someone who is not Norv Turner on the sideline would only be temporary without the right results is bad how? We're we so rich in the right results that the wrong results now would be so devastating? This is more of that change for change's sake is bad because it might not work rhetoric these two dolts love to throw in your face.

Let's simplify. People aren't going to games. They clamor for a good reputable coach. Hiring a reputable name coach would immediately sell tickets and boost the confidence of the fans that buy tickets. But that would be bad. And temporary. And wouldn't even pay the salary of that coach. Does that sound strange to you?

Acee goes on to name Lovie Smith, Ken Whisenhunt and Bruce Arians as other options. Clearly they are not highly sought after name coaches that are hot commodities around the league currently. They are under the radar. No one knows about them. Shhh!

And then there is this gem.

But, they should not go for the big name just for the sake of doing it.

What the fuck does that even mean? Bruce Arians is one of the top names in coaching right now! He single handedly piloted the anti-cancer bomber that eradicated disease and led the woefully young Indy team to the playoffs in his ill cohort's stead! Big name? BAH! DON'T NEED IT! WE NEED SOMEONE UNDERSTATED LIKE VINCE LOMBARDI! THERE'S A NAME NO ONE IS SAYING TODAY!

The point of this is that Acee is fighting to discredit Canepa at every turn. I didn't realize it until recently. With all his "unnamed sources" within the organization incorrectly guaranteeing him people will be terminated. He's positioning himself to be the go to media guy here when the new regime takes over.

This in and of itself makes this angry villager want them to hire Gruden or Holmgren even more. I love watching Acee backtrack and grovel. It's so cute.

Welcome to what's going to be an awfully awful offseason Charger fans. Just wait! We're not even contemplating the draft yet! This is going to be so fun.

Monday, January 07, 2013

Turns Out There's Still Football On...

So, in flipping through the dial on my ole TV machine, I was delighted and amazed to find that football apparently goes on even after the Chargers have blown their season and their crybaby coach has thrown management under the bus even though they had no excuse to keep him in the first place. And I don't mean football in the sense of meaninless college bowl games like the As Seen on TV Pocket Hose Bowl. I mean actual bona fide NFL football. I guess they call it the Post Season or the Playoffs or something. Anyway, it's very exciting, because one loss means you're out instead of having to slog through 16 weeks to meet your certain demise like some crappy football teams I won't mention by name here, but here's a clue-look at the name of the blog! Anyway, I thought it would be fun to talk about some of the exciting things I saw during this special extra football extravaganza. On to the wonders!

Cincinatti @ Houston
The most notable thing about this game was the way they trotted out JJ Watt and Arian Foster for interviews after the game, but somehow managed to forget to interview the Texans kicker, who supplied a whopping 66% or so of the Texans offense. Probably gonna have a little more trouble kicking your way to victory against the Patriots, who murdered you with touchdowns earlier in the season. Touchdowns are almost always a superior gameplan. Cincinatti, that was one of the least inspiring, least inspired performances I've ever seen. It never ceases to amaze me the way that Andy Dalton manages to forget he has arguably the best receiver in the league on his team for huge chunks of games. At least make AJ Green the holder on kicks so he can see some action. Do you hear me, Marvin Lewis? Green needs more touches! I kind of wanted Cincy to win this thing for no reason I can put into words. Maybe it's because you never hear the locals complain when you shorten the name of their city like those jerks up in Frisco do. Anyway, the team I wanted to win lost, and you're about to find out that is a prevailing theme for the weekend because next up...

Vikings @ Packers
The Vikings went back to Lambeau a week after defeating the Pack to make the playoffs, but this time it appears they forgot to "pack" their Quarterback. Rimshot! Enter Joe Webb. Just kidding, please don't. Oop! There he is, coming in anyway. Is no one going to say anything? The Joe Webb/AP running clinic looked pretty good for most of their first drive and then somebody was all, "Wait, can that guy even throw the ball?" and the answer was no, and you started to wonder if the Packers threw last week's contest, but how is that even possible because no one knew Ponder wouldn't play until like 90 minutes before the game and he is not as bad as Joe Webb and that should tell you how bad Joe Webb was. Sooo, the Packers came out and showed the world how much better they are when they're worse than they were last year, and Minnesota never really stood a chance. That made me 0-2 on caring, but 2-0 on secretly knowing for the games so far.

Colts @ Ravens
Sunday brought Ray Lewis and the Ravens, whom you will never convince are a very good team. Ever. Three Lombardis would not sway me. This team is twice as bad as it is sometimes good sometimes. But this was the beginning of Ray Lewis' swan song and he did not disappoint. I counted a tackle, a jump on a tackle that someone else made, credit for a tackle that was really just another case of jumping on a tackle another guy made, 2 sweet dance routines and an egregious drop of an interception-which is actually pretty good, because Eric Weddle once did that like 9 times in a season and AJ Smith made him the highest paid safety in the league. Anyway, the announcers, all the pundits and Ray's family assured me that it was a solid effort. A lot of you may say I've got a real hater complex against Lewis, and you are right. I have a hard time reconciling with guys who were involved in mulitple murders and walk away with probation and a fine. And regardless of what the NFL pundits say, no, Ray was not "acquitted." Look up acquitted. Anyway, if it makes you all feel better, I hate OJ more. Anyway, Andy Luck and the Colts ran into the Mr. Hyde version of the Ravens on Sunday and that monster chewed 'em up pretty good. Makes me 0-3 on feelings. Sad me.

Seattle @ Washington
Last shot at redemption. But who did I want to win? Well, I like RGIII as much as anybody, I guess. And I hated Seattle for a large chunk of my life as they hung around in the AFC West being just good enough to regularly prey on all the horrible Chargers teams we fielded between healthy Dan Fouts and Stan Humphries. Seems pretty obvious who I'm going for then. Ha! Switcheroo! Beast Mode negates all animosity and Shanahan negates all good will! Who knows, this might have been a different game if Shanny hadn't trotted out busted RGIII to put his career on the line in his rookie season or if RGIII had been healthy enough to go in the first place. My favorite part of this game was when Aikman said that RGIII must've been healthy last week because he found it hard to believe that Shanahan would risk the team's franchise QB like that. To which I said, "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhaha!" Good one, Troy! You're so gullible, Troy! Tell me how Norv Turner is a genius again, Troy! That one's my favorite." Anyway, no one was really sure Seattle could handle it on the road, and now they know and Atlanta is crapping their shorts because they are just the type of lie that a team like Seattle exposes in the playoffs.

So with that, I went 1-3 for being happy. And you know what? It was enough. Because Norv and AJ are gone. And that's all I ever really needed to make me happy anyway. At least until we hire Denny Green or Steve Marriucci.

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Farewell and Adieu, Jerkbags!

I've been pretty silent on this whole firing of those two idiots who ran our organization into the low end of mediocrity. Mostly, because it's anti-climactic at this point, and there isn't much to say that hasn't already been said.

I guess I could note that Norv couldn't help but let the fans know that the next guy probably won't turn it around too quickly (Why? Did Norv leave a bomb somewhere in the locker room?) in a mishandled effort to tell us angry villagers to give the next guy the benefit of the doubt. Seriously, does eveybody in Chargers Park actually buy into that Canepa schtick?! It's like none of these people can understand why all of the villagers were so angry. Is there any greater proof that these people were too stupid to be in charge of anything?

AJ took it much better, actually taking blame for the collapse. In fact, he went back and retroactively took the blame for last season's collapse and the one before that too. Basically, he said-and I'm paraphrasing here, of course-"I was the problem all along. I can't believe the idiot fans didn't see that."

I don't really know who our next GM and coach will be. I was actually surprised to see that Dean hired Ron Wolf-as respected a front office guy as there's ever been- as a consultant in his search for a new GM. That indicates he is actually considering trying to turn the team around here in San Diego, rather than later on in L.A. That also means that if L.A. isn't already in the works then there really does appear to be a chance this team stays in San Diego. Of course, if he just ends up promoting Jimmy Raye anyway, then Wolf is probably just a cosmetic move by Dean to appease the NFL by showing that he at least is not going door to door and telling the fans to get bent right to their faces.

As for a coach, well their's no shortage of capable replacements this time around, so I don't want to hear the local UT die-hards complaining that no one can fill Norv's genius jock. Whisenhunt, Lovie Smith. Those guys have been to Superbowls in the modern era. I wouldn't mind either one. And there are plenty of others. Jim Mora's out there, and I have been pretty up front about how I feel about that guy. There are several coordinators still playing that could fit the bill (I will say that a lot of people are talking about the Broncos Offensive Coordinator, and to those people I have to ask, "You do realize the Broncos signed Peyton Manning, right? That's him under center. He's the one running the offense. Just so you know."). Anyway, it's a magical time right now. That time when anything is possible. The time right before Dean hires Denny Green and we all become soccer fans.

I actually think the most interesting thing will be to see what becomes of Norv and AJ after SD. I'm sure they will both land gigs. As my father says, the NFL is a club. Once you're a member, your usually a member for life. It's why it's so hard for bright up-and-comers to crack the ranks and it is why the idiots over in the UT forums were all so certain keeping Norv and AJ was the right thing to do last off season. Norv is still a respected offensive coordinator, presumably because Troy Aikman keeps telling everyone he's a genius without also reminding anyone that Norv got his genius card during the uncapped era of free agency that allowed big market teams like Dallas and Frisco to farm out all of your favorite players and create juggernauts that looked like all-pro teams as they beat down the rest of the league like it was full of Division II high school squads. There should be an asterisk on that era. It was worse than the steroid era in baseball if you ask me. And it is the reason Norv Turner continues to be awful after awful and still land a job. There's talk he could even end up back in Dallas and that would be poetic indeed. Perhaps no other team in the league is better designed to run Norv's unimaginative, mistake heavy, they'll-never-see-it-coming offensive scheme than Dallas.

As for AJ, I imagine AJ would love to go to a division rival like KC, thinking he could then get back at all of the angry villagers for running him out of town just because he turned a monster of a team into a 3 time failure in the course of a few short years. Yeah, yeah, he built it. He built it if you don't count the contributions of LaDainian Tomlinson, Antonio Gates and Drew Brees. Then yeah, AJ totally built that awesome team we were all sure would have 2 or 3 rings by now. Anyway, I'd welcome beating up on an AJ twice a year. And KC would be a good landing spot for Smith because there aren't any ex-Chargers there that I can think of, and I have to imagine that anywhere Smith goes, all ex-Chargers would just quit. Alas, The Chiefs haven't gotten around to firing Scott Pioli yet, so that looks like a longshot. And Denver and Oakland aren't hiring Smith, so he'll probably need to go peddle his brand of evil outside the division. I'd love to see him go to New Orleans and finally finish Drew Brees' career like he should have done years ago, but that's unlikely too. If there's any justice in the world, AJ will end up in Buffalo or Cleveland, where there is no hope at all. Or under a bus.

Wherever Norv and AJ go, I want to wish them the worst of luck. Hard feelings, y'know. I am bitter. Take Acee and Canepa with you.

Anyway, enjoy this wonderful time in Chargers history. You've all earned it by continuing to care about a team so ugly that it should be buried upside down in the snow. Happy stinkin' New Year, Charger fans!

BTW, I have to give credit where credit is due. I got that picture off of KSK where it was attached to this great piece.