I Could Fix The Chargers.

Which is why I intend to marry Ivanka Trump and her glorious new fake breasts so I can buy the team. But that's not what I'm talking about here.

I’m throwing you all a curve ball today and doing my Inside the Disgusting Festering Boil That is the NFL a day earlier than usual. In fact, I will be moving this feature to Thursday permanently, except for when I still do it on Friday. It all really depends on whether I go out drinking on Wednesday. That probably won’t be very often, because I’m one of those people who watches Lost religiously, but fears technology so much that I refuse to break down and get Tivo or DVR. Seriously, though, I have to believe Tivo is the most pathetic tech on Earth, because, like, it’s TV people. Oh, and Lost is dangerously close to being cut at this point, because I’m pretty sure the writers have no idea where the show is going and just figure to keep up the What The Fuck(?) factor until everybody gets sick of it and stops watching so the network cancels it. Then the writers say, “Oh, too bad, we had a totally rockin’ finale planned. Maybe we’ll make a movie.” That drags on for five years or so, cause they can’t get the gang back together when the guy who died in season one won’t commit and he’s super integral to the whole thing. Oh well, I guess we’re all screwed. What the hell was I supposed to be talking about? Right, INFL. Trust me, half way through this post you’ll be asking me to go back and explain why Tivo is lame, cause this shit is dull.

Right off the bat, Costas warns us that this is the week kickers take the center stage. Double Espresso anyone? This is your last chance, cause remember, there are no commercials. We’re also going to get into the Cowgirls QB sitch and Tiki Barber’s retirement. I’m shaking with anticipation.

The Boys start out by talking to about the Cowgirls and the concensus here is that Parcells has pretty much screwed up this team by putting together a shit O-line even though Jerry Jones is willing to pay anybody anything. So, it’s come to the point where Bledsoe gives them no chance to got to the Superbowl, so it’s time to go to Tony Romo. Then , and I kid you not, Collinsworth says Tony Romo also has no chance of taking this team to the Superbowl, but he might not not take them so there’s you’re play. And that, people, ain’t not funny.

On to the highlights:

The Steelers go to the Falcons for game between two teams that should have been good, started out good, but aren’t that good, make each other look astounding but aren’t going to even sniff the post season, let alone the Superbowl. Fuck you, Grammar Police! Big Ben is hurt again and I’m going to go ahead and set my watch to it, because he is going to be the Ken Griffey Jr. of football. I mean it. Also, this was your first craaazy kicker game, where Atlanta wins it on a field goal after four attempts with two kickers, both of which made one, but there were penalties or something and then they sent in a lefty cuse the pitcher was a righty or something. None of this shit makes any sense to me at all.

Vikings @ Seahawks
Brad Childress looks like the guy with the mouse in The Green Mile (Don’t know what I’m talking about? Look it up.)and I don’t know how this guy can inspire confidence in anybody. But the Vikings D is bad ass, and Brad Johnson beat up the Hawks. Maybe the Cowboys should go after Johnson in the off-season, or at least Mewelde Moore. The Hawks should have gone after the other Hasselbeck brother before the trade deadline cause the team is going to have to rely on Seneca Wallace of the more INTs than TDs in college fame for the next couple of weeks and the Superbowl loser curse lives!

The Round Table hits a few topics. They talk about how Seneca Wallace sucks. Got it. They talk about Vick’s game and Marino says what we’re all thinking and tells Vick to show us that a few dozen more times and maybe we’ll all start to believe. They all praise some guy called Damon Huard, and I’m sorry but the name does not ring a bell. Everybody’s pretty sure Billick will get fired if he doesn’t go to the playoffs after firing Fassel, and if you just woke up from your coma you still probably knew that. Then the guys pick three games that have to do with the above topics but there was no graphic so I totally missed what they said. Sue me.

On to our first, and hopefully last, SIS of the week. It comes during the Eggles at Bucs game, where we learn that Gene Deckerhoff(?) has been the voice of the Eggles and the Seminoles for about a half a century and he’s a fan. That’s it. There’s your SIS. Gripping. Hey all you fans of the teams that didn’t make the highlight reel this week, INFL says fuck you, meet Gene Deckerhoff! This was another big kicker game wher Matt Bryant makes a 62 yarder to win the game. Do they test kickers for Steroids? Just asking. The Eggles have lost three games this season at the last second, and I have to wonder; If they played the Chargers, would the Universe implode?

Round Table says the Eggles are having trouble closing out games, but they’ll beat the Jags, who are going the other way. No shit, the Jags are going the other way. Byron Leftwich? Are you kidding me?

No Tear Jerker this week. Instead, we have the boring, Day in the Life of Tiki Barber Story. I swear Tiki announced his retirement just to get spots like this and “grow the brand.” Safety dance! So Tiki does all this PR stuff and motivational stuff. He hangs with his kids. He’s great with the fans and goes to a charity dinner where Bill Clinton speaks. He finishes it all off with cocktails, cause hey, he’s an average Joe, just like you and me. You can’t help but just really like Tiki, and that totally makes me hate him.

Peter King is here!!!
King talks about Tiki with the glow of a schoolgirl and assures the world that Tiki will, in fact, retire after this year cause he wants to be a media Superman. Seriously, did you know Tiki does some show called Fox Friends in the Morning, and he actually gets to talk about Kim Jong Il and nuclear payloads? Fuck you Tiki! Carry the football for 1500 yards and 0 TDs thank you very much. Ass.
Apparently Shawn Merriman tested positive for some sort of steroid and I can’t believe the San Diego media hasn’t heard about it yet.
Then they start to talk about the flex schedule, so I go to the bathroom cause that shit perplexes me like the controller for the new Nintendo console. You know, the one where you have to flail your arms around like an idiot and it sucks cause you’re playing video games so you’re probably already drunk?

Bolts @ Chiefs
I find it interesting that the 4-2 Chargers have been featured in highlights on this shit festival three times now, and two have been after their losses. Thanks guys, if aliens are catching these broadcasts, they think the Chargers suck. I don’t really watch the clips here cause they’ve been dancing through my head for three days at this point. Gay. Up you butt, gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

Skins @ Colts
Washington’s D is officially for shit. I have to admit, though, this was a game for a whole half. Then Manning went all Manning on the Skins in the second half when he remembered that he has thrown more TDs to Marvin Harrison than anybody has ever thrown TDs to anybody ever.

Retard Face-off! Yay!
This week the face-off is between Collinsworth and Carter, and it scares me cause I worry that Danster might have something really scary up his sleeve for later in the program.
1) Will Nick Saban end up like Spurrier. Both idiots say no, but then Worthless goes on about how Saban came in with an NFL system while Spurrier was a straight up college system guy. Then Costas nails him with the stat that says that Saban and Spurrier have the same record after however many games and Chris backpedals, saying that Saban needs to bring that team together or he could be in trouble. Waffles anyone?
2) Who will be the next veteran QB to get benched? Collinsworth says Leftwich and the quiet Steven A. is surprised. He goes with Brunell and I’d agree except for the fact that Gibbs has given up and is flipping through next season’s NASCAR schedule as we speak.
3) Was Merriman’s supplement tainted? Really? That’s your question? Collinsworth says he believes in the Eater Bunny, Santa and political honesty as much as he believes the supplement was tainted and fuck you Colinsworth, I cracked a smile.
4) Worst coaching meltdown? I don’t recall Carter’s boring answer, but it probably had to do with blowing out his hip flexor. Chrissy says something about a Sam Wyche strip tease and Paul Brown dressed as a pimp, and now I think I know why he took Dan’s place in the segment this week.

Our second SIS of the week comes during the Broncos @ Browns game.
The Browns defensive line is back to seek vengeance, which to me is a lot like seeking vengeance on that fourth grade bully who beat you up but now lives in the trailer park taking work cleaning out septic tanks when he can get it. Broncos O blows up with 17 points in this game.

Round Tables picks the Broncs vs. Colts. Everybody but Carter thinks the Colts take this one cause they actually have an offense, unlike Denver’s previous opponents. Carter thinks Plummer will inexplicably step it up against the Colts. He says it’s because the Colts D sucks, but still…inexplicably.

Jags @ Texans
What did I tell you about the Jaguars? You do not know what they will do on any given Sunday. Flip a coin in your pick’em pool. Do I look like I’m kidding?

Panthers @ Bengals
The battle of the big cats. Rowr! Here are two teams that look pretty much good enough to lose in the playoffs. Right on, guys. Steve Smith really should represent the the NFC in the Superbowl, though. The rest of that team is just dragging him down.

Round Table
Cowgirls vs. Panthers. Seriously, even these guys aren’t stupid enough to call this game wrong.
Vikings vs. Patriots. Collinsworth says he likes the Vikings D and uses the word underrated for the first time ever to describe something within the world of sports. Everybody else thinks he’s crazy.

We finish up the program with a new segment. Yay, new segment!!! This one is called, excitingly, Say Something. This is where the Foolsome Foursome each leave us with a parting thought or opinion, presumably football related.

Costas says the overtime procedure is ridiculous and then desperately tries to compare it to instant replay. Needless to say, his rant leaves me dumb-founded.

The Quiet Steven A. says Mike Vick will play like “Mike” Marino for the rest of the season. I don’t know who this Mike Marino character is, but I think it’s safe to assume he’s a shitty quarterback who will not be in the playoffs.

Marino says the Steelers will claw there way back from 2-4 and win the division. I know he’s wrong, but I find it impossible to argue with the assessment. Effing Steelers.

Collinsworth says losing Hutchinson killed the Seahawks and their season is pretty much over. I’d give him props for the insight, but I called that in the preseason. Cause I’m better than him, get it?

That’s it. Looks like I can go out drinking tonight. Woo hoo!