Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Week 8 Premature Evaluation...

It's time yet again for the weekly Premature Evaluation. As always, each team is graded on a pass/fail basis, unless of course I feel like being more of a dick. With the way the Chargers have been playing lately, expect some vitriol. More so than usual. Or the same amount, I can't really tell anymore. MOUNT UP! It means get on your horses...
1.  Giants (5-2). They showed a photo of Eli mourning the flooding in his lobby on the internets this morning. Storm 1. Giants 0. Somehow the storm will wind up losing this battle in the end. Pass. 
2. 49ers (5-2). I seriously don’t know how you are still here. You destroyed the hapless Cardinals in the second most boring game of the week. Possibly ever. Seriously, beating the Cardinals is more a requirement than accomplishment anymore. Oh, and I hate your faces. Pass. B. 
3. Falcons (7-0). Really? 7-0? Really? …sorting though schedule….Dallas? How have you managed to stay under the radar with this schedule of yours? There hasn’t been a tough game on it. Obviously it was you and Houston in a threesome with the schedule guy. You may not lose a game until week 15 by the looks of it. You’ll still not be the top seed but you could be 13-0. Pass. C+.
4.  Packers (4-3). I thought Jacksonville might actually be giving you a game. Then, I saw Aaron Rogers wearing an eye patch frolicking in the background of press photos on the sideline. I see what you’re up to. And I don’t like it one bit. Here’s to hoping someone slips some razor blades in your Halloween cheese curds. Pass. C. 
5. Patriots (5-3). Oh. Just. Fuck. You. I hope Gronkowski blows out both his Achilles. Or that someone hides under his car and slashes them shredded with a rusty bayonet. That totally happens everywhere, it’s true! Pass. C. 
6. Texans (6-1). Try as I might, I just don’t have anything really awful to say about you. Maybe Jerry Jones will buy the team and turn it into the second biggest laughing stock in Texas. We can only be so lucky.  
7. Bears (6-1).  You know, Jay Cutler is a miserable fucktard of a human. There isn’t an ounce of doubt in me that servers around the country have put unmentionable bodily fluids and excrement in his meals. If you haven’t, email me. I have some wonderful ideas. Pass. C+. 
8. Ravens (5-2). Took a week off from the freefall. You’ll likely take another with Cleveland on the schedule. Unless of course you’re us and then, well, feel free to resume the plummeting accordingly. 
9. Broncos (4-3). The only way we catch you to win the division this year is plane crash. Even then it might be difficult for us. Don’t mistake that for me not wanting your plane to crash. Totally rooting for plane crash. Pass. B. 
10. Seahawks (4-4). Better do something about that offense or the suicide rate in Seattle will double. Wait. It can’t double can it? Then everyone would be dead. Fail. F.    
11. Steelers (4-3). Everyone hated your uniforms last week. Me? Not so much. Thought you looked like angry super mutant bionic bees. The thought of a bionic mutant super bee seems super scary as shit. Pass.  
12.Dolphins (4-3). Of course you get an A this week and you even slide into 3rd place in the oh so important “Teams I’m likely to root for” category by making the Jets look stupid. Again. Thank you very much. A. A+. A+. 
13. Vikings (5-3). God dammit. You seem so close to taking the next step and being a good team every week and then you go and fucking blow it. Aim for something higher than mediocrity you assholes. Fail. F. 
14.  Lions (3-4). It should have been you Detroit. Not New York. Sandy missed the target. Thankfully, New York was an okay place to make landfall as well. Pass. Barely.
15. Redskins (3-5). I want to so badly try to like you because of this Griffin character. Yet, Shanahan then goes and tries to get him killed. You are the Broncos of the east, and no less hateable. I’d wish something awful upon you but you have to live in D.C. That’s punishment enough. Fail. F.  
16. Saints (2-5). I remember when you were a good team. Strangely, the fans of this town have rekindled the Brees vs. Rivers debate and everyone has reconvinced themselves we made the wrong choice. Again. I’m pretty sure that debate was buried along with the waterlogged corpses in 2005. Fail. F. Fail.  
17.  Cowboys (3-4). The only thing that keeps me from completely hating you is the fact that your failures are so epically comical that I can’t help but explode with laughter at your misfortune. It’s fucking hilarious. Keep up the good work. Fail. But an A+ for Fail. 
18. Eagles (3-4). You continue to be Chargers East, strangely with more talent, but not more success. I will fucking burn your town with acid fire guns for letting Andy Reid escape alive if we hire him. Fail. F.  
19.  Rams (3-5).  Way to travel across the ocean to put on that display of Fail in front of a bunch of limey prick assholes. Actually, nice work, the limeys deserve that. They gave us soccer. Fail. F. 
20. Colts (4-3). You’re pretty overrated and it’s because everyone wants you to have a new lily white quarterback that will lead you back to the promised land. Hype machine overload! You know it’s bad when the talking heads think 8-8 is a success. Struggling to beat the Titans in overtime is evidence of your shittiness. Hell, we beat the shit out of the Titans! Suck it Luck. F. Fail. 
21. Bucs (3-4). One week it’s the Vincent Jackson show, the next Doug Martin. You are a fantasy dream! Thankfully, it’s only a dream. Pass. B.  
22. Cleveland (2-6). Get fucked Cleveland. I take back nothing of what I’ve said about you. Everything about you is terrible in the pedophile kind of way. I hope you wind up in jail. Pass. C-. 
23. Bengals (3-4).  Try to do something useful and not suck shit through a straw Sunday would ya? Crap. Like you’re actually capable of that. Fuck you. 
24. Cardinals (4-4).  Man, are you terrible. Your record is starting to indicate it as well. Better get Warner on the phone to re-up with Satan, because the pot obviously needs to be sweetened. Fail. F. 
25. Chargers (3-4). You’re still here? I was hoping the Spani would have pulled up the moving vans and taken this wagon train of shitsuckery up to L.A. by now. I’m not so lucky I guess. Surely you’ll stomp the Chefs this week won’t you? WON”T YOU??! You better you fucking useless assholes. You’re fucking worthless. If you don’t know why by now that makes you even more fucking worthless. You’re about as useful as the condom in Tebow’s wallet. FAIL. There isn’t a grade low enough for you. 
26. Titans (3-5). I hate you. Die. Fail.    
27. Bills (3-4). I hate you more. Die. Fail.  
28 . Jets (3-5). If it were a real thing, I’d do anything I could to contribute to global warming so that every hurricane would land on your head. Fail. 
29. Panthers (1-6). Freshman fifteen, leads to sophomore slump, leads to everyone gets fired. Sadly, Steve Smith is keeping his composure. Man I hope he let’s loose in that locker room and people get hurt. Someone please keep a cell camera at the ready. Fail. 
30. Raiders (3-4). Congratulations. You beat the Chefs. But we still hold a slim tiebreaker over you for second place in the div.. oh fuck it. Pass. We’re the inept ones now. I keep forgetting. But the team keeps reminding me. 
31. Chiefs (1-6). God. If we lose to you so help me…Fail. 
32. Jaguars (1-6). I can barely laugh at you anymore. You’d probably give us a game. Not likely but maybe. But shit. Probably. Fail. 
Something has been bothering me lately and I cannot for the life of me understand why or what the fuck is going on. I hear it and see it everywhere. "BOLT UP!".  What the fuck does BOLT UP! mean? I mean, I've been a Charger fan longer than is advised by many doctors and I've never really heard this until the last few years, and yet the meaning is totally fucking lost on me. Anyone? BOLT UP!. Anyone? I've got nothing. So anyway, listen here dickheads, all you sorry excuses for football players, coaches and management that don the lightning bolt logo weekly pretending to be Chargers.  Listen really closely.  WIN A GOD DAMNED GAME. WIN IT IMPRESSIVELY. STOP ACTING LIKE PUSSY TEENAGERS ABOUT TO START THEIR PERIODS. OH, AND MANAGEMENT, IF AND WHEN BY SOME FUCKING MIRACULOUS ACT OF PHYSICS AND RELIGION COMING TOGETHER IN SOME SORT OF HOLY PAIRING THIS SORRY FUCK ASS GROUP OF COCKDRAGGERS BEATS THIS SORRY TEAM, FIRE EVERYONE ANYWAY! DO IT! STOP SUCKING AT LIFE. 

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Quick Take on Today's Contest

This morning I read a new feature in the UT called Scott vs. Billy Ray. They each took an opposing side on issue and argued with each other about it. The Onion does a feature like this called Point-Counterpoint. I suggest reading The Onion. Today Scott and Billy Ray proved that their air-headed radio schtick easily transfers to the UT's air-headed sports reporting style by asking the important question of whether the Chargers should trade for Tebow if the Jets put him on the block. The clear answer is "What?" Needless to say, I'm dumber for having read that.

Anyway, the Chargers have had two weeks to think about their history-making beating at the hands of Peyton Manning who clearly does not read his memos because it's like he didn't even know that the Chargers have his number and he is their little bitch. Read a fucking memo, Manning! That's important information that you needed to know. It was vital to our game-plan, and you just flat out paid it no heed whatsoever. Smartest quarterback in the league my ass. Learn to read memos, dude.

Today the Chargers get to attempt to redeem themselves against the Browns, which conventional wisdom would tell you is a good thing because the Browns are very shitty. However, the Browns will start Trent Richardson who is a stud even though he plays for the Browns. That means the Chargers will probably stack the box to stop Richardson and protect their impressive defensive stats against the run. I ssume that leaves us resorting to some awful zone coverage or matching up man-to-man. That means that Jammer will likely stand across from Greg Little and his magical hands of granite, leaving Cason to try and cover Josh Gordon who pretty much just runs straight down the field and tries to catch 60 yard touchdown passes. This concerns me becasue a 60 yard touchdown is what we in the business refer to as a "Big Play." If you've been paying attention this year, you've probably noticed that just one big play in any game by the opposition causes the Chargers to fold up their tent and hit the road. They don't even stay to see the headliner. They just catch a couple of songs from the shitty local band opening the show and they just go beat traffic. It's terrible. So my point is that we can totally lose to the Browns and if we do it shouldn't surprise you at all.

However, I know that the Chargers over the last couple of years have only one clear goal. Not that Superbowl goal that other teams are constantly running their mouths about. Not even winning the division, which is what the organization says is it's goal in order to distract you from realizing what the real goal is. That goal is to save Norv Turner's job at all costs. So we will beat the worst team in the NFL that isn't the Chiefs and the local idiots will write articles to the angry villagers telling us how silly we were to predict the demise of the Chargers. Beating the Browns today will mean something damn it. It will mean that nothing changes. We will still be able to beat the bad teams and be humiliated by the good teams and as long as there are more bad teams than good teams on our schedule then we are somehow good or something. Enjoy the game. It's going to be raining. Rain games are rad. Everybody loves rain games. Even if it means Ryan Mathews will fumble three times. But it's not his fault. The NFL took our tacky towels!

Bolt 27, Browns 21

P.S. Here's a great Point-Counterpoint from The Onion.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Week 7 Premature Evaluation...Now With More Lateness!!

Welcome to this week's later version of Premature Evaluation. As always I'm grading each team on a mostly pass fail basis, unless of course I feel like being a dick. I'll go a little easy since I'm late with my post. You'll get no apology from me. 

1.  Giants (5-2). Hard to bump you from the top spot, though no one is quite sure of what to make of the Redskins as of late. Good? Not Good? Potential MVP rookie quarterback? You pass but we're waiting for a sign that you're still the VaGiants. 

2. 49ers (5-2).  I'm leaving you here because I believe that Seattle isn't horrible, but in reality I think you're more like a 4 or 5. And, I hate you. The baseball team isn't helping my hatred either. Pass. B.
3. Falcons (6-0). No one made the news during your bye week for cheating. Pass. 
4.  Packers (4-3). Someone please call the conductor and tell them there is a body on the track so this train slows down. Throw Ahman Green's corpse out there if you have to. Pass. B+.
5. Bears (5-1)The defense looks legit. However, when all you have to do is put 11 guys on Calvin Johnson, that will improve your looks. Pass. B.
6. Texans (6-1). Boooooorrrrrrriiiiiinnnnnnnggggggg. God. Do something interesting. You're awful. And by awful I mean like 80's Texas hair and ripped bleached jeans look awful which is apparently still in style in your stadium. Pass.

7 . Patriots (4-3). Fail. Just fail. You made the Jets look competent strictly to annoy me and the rest of the league. That looked like one of those games where you didn't want to tip your hand too much because you knew you could beat that team using one tenth of your playbook. Well played. But still, you're the fucking worst. Die. F.
8. Saints (2-4). Interesting road win. Your defense is a swinging turnstile much like a sorority girl's morals. But, that offense can be formidable. Possibly. Pass. 
9. Seahawks (4-3). Another good defense propping up a farce of an offense. But Trent Dilfer won't argue that model. Pass. 

10. Vikings (5-3). Who are you? What are you? Please pick a side would you? Either suck for real or be good. This balancing act of being a consistently boring average team doesn't suit you. Fail. F.
11.Steelers (3-3). Hooray. You beat the Bengals. You should be so fucking proud of yourselves. Try not to crack the achilles of the guy in front of you with your walkers you old dried up fuckers. Pass. C.
12. Broncos (3-3).  Yet another team that had a totally uneventful bye week. Pass.

13. Ravens (5-2). Remember that fall I predicted? You are in the midst of it. You better get a parachute and fast or your impact will be bloody, but really exciting. Fail. 

14.  Rams (3-4). Running into the Packers buzzsaw is nothing to be ashamed of. Those uniforms however are. Bring back the Ike Bruce unis you assholes. Oh, you still fail though. F. For FAIL.
15.  Redskins (3-4). Just coming up short week after week but getting the media fellatio boat steaming full ahead. Your quarterback is not the MVP, but we're going to be force fed that narrative now until he breaks his neck. I do not thank you for that. Fuck off. F. 
16. Lions (2-4).  Find another offensive target besides Megatron and you might, and I stress might be something sometime. For now, you continue to be a one trick pony and your quarterback is fat. That pony's back hurts. Fail. F. 
17.  Cowboys (3-3).  Your mediocrity bores me to death. Your usual drama isn't even interesting anymore. How about you move to L.A.? That might make you interesting for five minutes. Otherwise, Fail. F. 
18.  Dolphins (3-3).  Don't like you. Don't hate you. At least entertain me by making the Jets look dumb this week would you? Pass. C.
19. Eagles (3-3).  Jesus. You guys didn't fail the bye week either? Though you did make a small splash by firing your offensive coordinator that was the understudy defensive coordinator. Might be the first good decision you've made in three or four years. I have no choice but to give you a Pass, though I'd rather have a vasectomy. 
20. Cardinals (4-3).  Finally regressing back to the mean like you're supposed to. Satan must be on vacation with your soul, defiling it in unspeakable ways. Fail. F.
21. Chargers (3-3). Let's see here. You got admirably stomped on the national stage. Then, the local media and the team PR director decided the fans were to blame. If that's not enough, you were caught cheating by using a 30 year old banned substance to what? Catch footballs? No. Must have been so that the receivers could tackle the DB's that were taking interceptions to the house. Then coach decided to shrink the already predictable playbook so that the quarterback could better execute and not fucking suck. The GM demands improvement or he says there will be a "new era" in Chargers football. Surprisingly, coming from his mouth it sounds like he'll be a part of that "new era". Holy fuck! How much fail can you fit into one bye week? BYE WEEKS ARE NOT FOR FUCKING FAILURE! NOT EVEN THE EAGLES FAILED THEIR BYE WEEK YOU FUCKING FAILURES! FAIL. F. FOR FUCKING FAIL!

22. Bengals (3-4).  You are awful. You should be last on this list but there are unfortunately a lot of teams worse than you. But you still fail. F.
23.  Jets (3-4). You're climbing this list and I hate that. I hope gonorrhea runs rampant through your locker room. Fail.
24. Bucs (3-4). A lot of people were making a big deal that Vincent Jackson got chased down from behind on that long touchdown play that wasn't. I heard many people say that that was a sign that we shouldn't have re-signed him. My counter argument? He had 7 catches for 216 yards and a touchdown. Check fucking mate. Fail. 
25. Titans (3-4). Chris Johnson is back! Fantasy owners rejoice! Until Sunday, when like the groundhog, he goes back into his hole. Pail. Yep, second pail of the year.  
26. Bills (3-4). Boy are you awful. Being a fan of your team must feel like being a Charger fan but with slightly less failure. F. Fail. 
27. Cleveland (1-6).  Part of me wants you to be good so that the Chargers have no excuse to back their way back into the AFC West race. But, unfortunately, you're terrible. And spare me the tortured sports city argument. You are horrible people. The whole world hates you because you deserve it. Fail. 
28. Colts (3-3). Promising young quarterback already meeting or even exceeding expectations. What fun it must be to have some excitement in your organization. Unlike the dysfunction and scorn that are reigned down upon our fan base. Pass.
29. Raiders (2-4). I always thought your ineptitude was ruining our rivalry. For years it was. Now it seems like we're the responsible party. Damn you. Damn you to hell. Pass. 

30. Panthers (1-5). Boy, does your quarterback have an entitlement complex. Strange that no one saw that coming. I mean, who could have seen that from a guy that was kicked out of school for theft, was involved in a huge recruiting scandal and has had his character questioned since day one. At least you fired your GM, who was entirely not responsible for that draft pick. I bet Jerry Richardson owns no mirrors. F. Fail. 

31. Chiefs (1-5). Your resurgence will probably start after your bye week (which amazingly, you did not fail either) and will probably peak next week against us. I'll bet the target on our back is HHHUUUUUGGGGEEE! Pass. 
32. Jaguars (1-5). God you're terrible. L.A. deserves you. Fail. F. 

That's it for this week. As you can tell, I'm wildly excited for the team capers this week. What kind of shenanigans can we get into in Cleveland? Stay tuned to find out! No one can script drama like this! 

Friday, October 19, 2012

This is Your Chargers, San Diego

Here's a column from Chargers Director of Public Relations Bill Johnston entitled Take a Chill Pill and it's directed at all of those who would take umbrage with the pitiful performance of the Chargers this season. This is how the Chargers' brass deals with criticism. And it's all you really need to know about the people that run this franchise.

Hey Bill, you may be right about a couple of seasons where the team rose from the ashes to make it to their demise in the post-season, but it's been a few years since we've legitimately come back from anything. Last time I checked, throwing the past in the faces of would-be detractors was a move typically employed by the Raider Nation. But you did it, so let's go ahead and shine a light on some of your recollections.

1) The 1994 team that started 0-4. I have no doubt that there were people that thought that team was destined for a horrible season and a vacant coaching position by the end of that year. I was probably one of them. That's what happens when you start 0-4. The vast majority of teams that start 0-4 do not do much with the rest of their season. That criticism is wholly justified. No one-not you or anyone else in the organization-could of realistically predicted that turnaround. Most importantly, that team has nothing to do with this team. A recurring theme over the next couple of points.

2) 2004 team wins 9 of their last 10 to finish 12-4. Again, kind of an out of the blue turnaround. The rise of Gates, I'd call it. And a sign of things to come. Most importantly, not today's team. Not even close.

3) 2006 teams wins last 10 to go 14-2. It is offensive to compare today's team with that team. That team filled us all with hope for a wonderful Chargers "window." The only thing that team had in common with current teams is its unfortunately knack for losing playoff games.

4) 2007 team that started 1-3 and ended up 11-5 and going all the way into the AFC Championship game. Ah yes, the first team of the Norv era. Where Norv basked in the glory provided by the residual effects of the prior coaching staff for the first time, only to produce diminishing returns each and every year since.

5) The 2008 team that won it's last four games to win the division. You sure you want to use this one? What was our record that year? No one gets to brag about winning their division in an 8-8 year. Maaaybe if you actually win the Superbowl. Maaaaybe. But we didn't.

6) The 2009 team that won it's last 11 games to go 13-3. This is the team I like to refer to as the exception that proves the rule. A team doing this well in the regular season this far into Norv's tenure is so remarkable that it must be an anomaly. And how'd we do in the post that year? Loss to the 9-7 Jets? Good team.

Bill, you left out the last two years, but I think you should throw them in there, because both teams played really well in the final stages of the season. Well enough to save the coach, the GM and-Hell Bill-even you! With all of this history laid out before me I have no reason to doubt that this year's team won't truly disappoint us until the very end of the regular season or the beginning of the post, and that is apparently something to embrace. Your snarky column has provided me the perspective that I, the uneducated fan, needed to appreciate what's really going on here. I don't even feel compelled to remind you that the fans pay you money to watch your product. that the money the fans provide, which magically turns into the zeros on your paycheck gives them an actual right to be displeased when the organization jams its head up its ass and puts a disgraceful product on the field. And I have no reason to remind you that part of the territory that comes with your job and all those zeroes on your paycheck is putting up with criticism like a man. Be a man, Bill.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Coach Awesome

I was inspired by Nick Canepa's article the other day regarding how fans want the anti-Norv at coach for the Chargers. Now, clearly Nick is being intentionally confrontational. To say the fans want a coach who is the opposite of Norv Turner in every way is just plain silly. Why, if Norv Turner was any good, we'd all love him as our coach. His nasally whine and his stupid face would inspire confidence instead of revulsion. But Turner isn't any good, and therefore most of us want something else. Not necessarily the anti-Norv, just better. Anyway, the whole thing got me thinking about who my ideal coach would be. So I drew this guy.

I think he's pretty sweet. He's 6'8", making him nearly the size of planetlike back spasm enthusiast Jared Gaither. He looks down on Philip Rivers and puts him on timeout when he rants on the sideline. He's got a chiseled, square jaw lined with stubble. Not to hide his ghoulish features, but because stubble is manly as Hell. Here's a few more of my coach's badass coaching features.

1) Tom Landry Hat. A total nod to old school football. The Cowboys are and always have been loathsome, but Tom Landry was an icon, and Coach Awesome recognizes the men who shaped the sport.
2) Cyborg eye. Coach Awesome never misses the details. He scans every play into his cybernetic matrix for analysis, allowing him to learn from mistakes and optimize his playcalling effectiveness. Also gives him superb clock management skills somehow.
3) Jetpack. Because jetpack.
4) Coach Awesome is a physical specimen. Aside from his 6'8" frame, his girth and Grade A musculature make him available to take the field if the situation calls for it. He can easily step in as a Left Tackle or a back-up Left Guard at a moment's notice. He'd start immediately on today's squad.
5) Clipboard.
6) Arm is a T-shirt Cannon. For firing T-shirts into the crowd to rile up the fans or to fire deadly accurate challenge flags.
7) Beer gut. Coach Awesome has a little bit of a beer gut because he knows how to let loose and have fun after a long season of winning and being a Superbowl Champion coach.
8) Cup. Huge cup. Everyone in the locker room knows who's in charge.
9) Already wearing football pants. Prepared.
10) Standing in ankle deep water because I can't draw feet for shit.

So there he is. Coach Awesome. I guess he sort of is the anti-Norv. But way better than Canepa's anti-Norv.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Week 6 Premature Evaluation...

We're back again for this weeks Premature Evaluation, now in more improved POWER Ranking form! As is the norm, all grades are on a mostly pass fail basis, unless of course I feel like being a dick. Seeing as how I pushed this post back an entire day because I wasn't quite ready to finish processing that shit sandwich the Chargers served us Monday night, extra dickatude is highly likely. Off we go...
1.  Giants (4-2). And you find yourselves on top huh? Kind of awkward for a permanent bottom like yourselves but I guess you earned your treat.  Pass. A. 
2. 49ers (4-2). Whipped by prissy nancy boy Eli at home? She took you to the woodshed and shined your ass. Bet you had sore love handles Monday morning. At least now you have something to brag about  in the Castro District when your pants are off. Fail. D. 
3. Falcons (6-0). I’ve been saying it for weeks and it’s starting to try to come true. You are not for real and Matty Ice started his regression against the Raiderettes. That fall to earth is swift and severe.  Pass. C-. 
4.  Packers (3-3). Whoa guys. Call off the dogs. We didn’t mean to rile you all up and get you playing like you’re capable. Hey look, I’ve got a cold Miller over here and some cheese curds. Just yeah, grab some, we’re good right? Pass. A. Maybe +. 
5. Patriots (3-3). I don’t understand how you can rack up 485 yards and lose to the Seahawks. On what planet do you normally lose that game? I still hate you vehemently and almost more so because I can’t figure you out.  But you know what? Hearing your fans act like you shit in their Cheerios makes it all worthwhile. That won't earn you a pass however. Fail.  
6. Bears (4-1). At least nobody got caught punching their girlfriend or popped for DUI after a post rain making shootout at an east side club. Successful bye week I’d say. Pass.  
7 . Texans (5-1). That was embarrassing. I mean, wow. People finally start paying attention to you and your schedule finally resembles something real NFL teams have to navigate, and you got your period and bled all over the national stage in front of everyone. I think that was your tampon string where most people assumed it was your tail between your legs. Fail. F. 
8. Ravens (5-1). You’d better stack up on cadavers at the local morgue as it appears that the steroids are finally starting to wreak havoc on the ligaments of your locker room. Torn ligaments and muscles are not rights of passage. Kindly step aside now because your decline will be swift and please do your best to avoid the many innocent people below you that may be harmed by your plummet.  Pass. C+. 
9. Saints (1-4). Bourbon Street rises during the bye week simply because some frauds above you finally played down to their level of competence. I hope you ingested a hurricane or two and fingerbanged a tranny hooker on your week off. That will be the highlight of what’s left of your season. Pass.

10. Seahawks (4-2).  Seemingly you lull teams to sleep with that shitshow of an offense you bring to the table each week.  Eventually you talked your way back into the bar when you were completely hammered and ordered shots for everyone inside and put them on your buddy’s tab. No one realized it, now it’s too late, you busted town and your buddy’s broke and his girlfriend is pregnant. How the fuck did we get here? No one knows. Pass. B.   
11. Vikings (4-2). Steady Eddie football team. Win some games you should, lose some games you should. Wholly unexciting at football are you. Strangely, I think you helped glorify the RGIII deity a little more with that poor tackling performance late in the game. I don’t think you’re good, but you’re certainly not Charger bad so eh, Pail. Yep. You Pail. C. 
12..Steelers (2-3). Man do I want to think you’re still a good football team. My heart tells me you are. My brain tells me you’re not. Listen to your brain dickhead. Fail. F. 
13. Broncos (3-3).  I knew one of two things would happen Monday.  Yep, I thought you might make us feel like we’re the overemotional type that compensates with binge eating fearing no one likes us in times of distress. You did exactly that. That kind of damage doesn’t get undone over a bye week. It takes years of therapy and a lot 0f pharmaceuticals. Pass. B. 
14.  Rams (3-3). I don’t know who your backup quarterback is, but this season right now is way overachieving everyone’s expectations of this team. You need to put Bradford in a kevlar-vest-bubble and pray he can stay healthy. Did you guys see that guy jump out of his balloon from space like 25 miles up this week? Yeah, that’ll be your season with a much less happy landing. Fail. 
15. Lions (2-3). Holy shit are you a one trick pony. I guess the Calvin Johnson Offensive Maneuver will work on occasion. Probably only against fierytrainwrecks like Philadelphia. And goddammit, I think I play against Johnson every week in fantasy which is really sucky. You have something to prove outside of being totally mediocre but rather exciting. I don’t think you can shake that image. Better than your stompy violent image but still, not very good. Pass. C+. 
16. Redskins (3-3). Crap. What to do with this? The new incarnate of Cam Newton leading the Injuns to the promised land. Unfortunately, you're in the VaGiants division, and ultimately, when there's a little tape on Pippi Longstocking, things will go downhill quickly. And really, we're a couple more concussions away the end of your career. You can't pile those up like scalps anymore without consequences. Pass. B-. 
17.  Cowboys (2-3). I hope with all of my heart and soul that Jerry Jones fires Jason Garrett. Then and only then will we see the true potential of the fail that "America's Team" can truly produce. Ha. America's Team. If this is "America's Team" America is right and truly fucked forever. Fail. F. 
18.  Dolphins (3-3). What you are is simple.  A good young defense, a gunslinging young quarterback, and a cast off running back that is somehow turning into a great draft pick after years of hindsight. Man, Ireland. You pushed all your chips in and hit the full house. The only problem is ownership is going to expect you to repeat this performance and guess what? You don't win the lottery twice very often. So, you're pretty much fucked. Don't borrow money from the Cubans. Pass. B. 
19. Eagles (3-3).  Every time I think we've got it bad I look at you. The parallels are eerie. Bad quarterback play behind a bad offensive line led by a terribly incompetent coach? Check. Check. Check. You are fucking awful in every sense. That makes us slightly worse because at least you'll sign high profile free agents. Fuck you for being fodder for our local media tomorrow if anyone reads this comparison. They'll immediately ask, "Well, you don't want to be the Eagles do you?". Answer: fuck and no. But I don't want to be the fucking Chargers either. Suck it sideways. Fail. R-. 
20. Cardinals (4-2). Looks like your kicker went drinking with Satan then took Lady Karma inappropriately by the dumpster at the pizza place. Serves you right for leaving the game in the hands of a soccer player. Get fucked. Fail. F-. 
21. Bengals (3-3).  I'd have put you 32nd this week for losing to Cleveland. CLEVELAND YOU FUCKING LOSERS! But then we let Peyton drop trou and rest his sack on our forehead and I realized we play you soon. At the moment, I feel like you beat us handily. So, you're not dead last though you should be. Fail. And big time fail, don't think I'm letting you off the hook. J-.

22. Chargers (3-3).  My daughter likes to shit in her car seat. After she's shit, she gets mad that she's sitting in shit and she cries. Nick Canepa believes that good Charger fans aren't allowed to complain when we are sitting in a pile of shit. We're supposed to sit in our shit and actually enjoy it. Except, in his world, we're not sitting in our shit, we're sitting in someone else's shit. Yet, we're still supposed to just fucking like it. That's how delusional our management and media are in this town. They fully believe that mantra. Fortunately, people with an ounce of fucking brainpower think the management and media are fuckwits. Thankfully, Norv will ensure they won't be around much longer. He's fucking immune to greatness. Shit, he's fucking immune to mediocrity. He's fucking awful. Fail. FAIL. I'd give you a ZZ-- but that's too good for you. You fail like George Lucas writing dialogue. You fail like security teams in Benghazi. You fail like Norv Turner led teams have failed throughout history. You fail like fetuses during abortions. Sorry. I'm upset. That was inappropriate. 
23.  Cleveland (1-5). Oh fuck you Cleveland. You think you're all high and mighty because you won a game? Fuck off. Fail. You beat Cincinnati. As I've told you, Cincinnati is like your better looking older sister who is only 37 pounds overweight and her STD's are treatable. Hardly an upgrade. Fail. F. Fuck you. 
24.  Bills (3-3). Your most famous alumni is a god damned murderer rotting in jail for a crime that isn't actually murder. You won because Arizona's kicker pissed off Satan. Hardly something to hang your hat on. And, you're fucking awful. Fail. F. 
25. Bucs (2-3). Still largely irrelevant. The bye week was good to you. Wait. What? You beat the Chefs? Brady Quinn played quarterback? Never mind. Fail. F. 
26. Panthers (1-4).  No one cares when you play. No one cares when you don't. Fail. 
27. Titans (2-4). Big win over the Steel Curtain. More like the Beef Curtain. Pass. C. 
28 . Jets (3-3). God dammit. I hate you. But apparently you're only the 5th worst team in the league and not the worst like I so want you to be. Here's to hoping Tebow can win the starting job sooner rather than later and truly torpedo what's left of your season. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEASE!!! Pass. D+.
29. Colts (2-4). Oh go get fucked. You only win when people get cancer. Fuck off. No one is going to get cancer voluntarily to save your season. Fail. F. 
30. Raiders (1-4) We're quickly coming up on the one week of the year your fans cute little garb doesn't make them look like complete assholes. Only half hearted assholes. Halloween comes and goes. Your idiocy lingers forever. Fail. F.
31. Chiefs (1-5). Blown out by the largely irrelevant Bucs? Brady Quinn quarterback? NFL Fail. Happy things for my heart though. Fail. Q. First Q rating of the year! Wait! Q-!
32. Jaguars (1-4). Even in your absence you look fucking awful. F. F_. Yep. That's an F Underscore. Somehow that seems worse than F-. Go to hell. Or stay in Jacksonville. Same thing. 
Well, that was cleansing. I feel a slight bit better after that bit of keyboard diarrhea. And hey, it's still the NFL and there is still gambling! We're almost halfway through this season, don't blink, it'll be February soon and we'll all be miserable again. Suck it Football. Suck it for real. 

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Dean-o Get Yer Gun; It's Firin' Time

I am not really ready to process what happened last night or what it all means yet, but I feel like I should say something. And that something is, “Why has Norv Turner not been fired yet?!!!” Seriously, did you catch that post game? Holy crap, is he terrible. Someone asked him what he thought of fans saying there needed to be a major organizational change during the bye week and he said he didn’t know what the guy was talking about. When the guy clarified that the fans were clamoring for Norv’s head, Norv refused to address it. This guy’s so fiery, it’s impossible to understand why our team is such a marshmallow, huh? Not even Canepa is willing to defend this paper genius today.

The organization is right now figuring out what to go with, but you know it will be along the lines of “We’re still 3-3 and tied for the lead. The schedule gets easier. Changing the course now would be throwing away the rest of the season. Blah, blah, blah bullshit.” Would anybody be surprised to see us blow it in Cleveland in two weeks? And it’s been said a million billion times already, but what is this team going to do if it somehow manages to fake its way into the postseason? Nothing but save the jobs of the people responsible for this mess.

Norv needs to go yesterday. AJ can stick around until the end of the season, but Spanos needs to be looking for his next GM starting right damn now! Sorry to steal from my cohort, but Gaither was a fail! Player relations is a fail! Fan relations is a fail! Norv is a fail! Turning Philip Rivers into the squawking mistake machine he is when this guy was destined for greatness by squandering all the talent around him and hitching his star to the biggest lie of an offensive genius ever is a major fail!

The sky is not falling! It is lying scattered in a million pieces around our collective feet! Okay, so I guess I sort of processed last night after all.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Poking the Bear

I'm pretty sure this is at least the third time Acee has written this article. And I'm certain he thinks Peyton Manning reads it and it "gets inside his head." And while I can't deny Peyton has dropped some serious stinkers against the Chargers over the years, I can't help but worry that one of these days Peyton-one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time-is gonna just go all "You know what? Screw you, San Diego Sports Journalist whose name I can't remember! Take that!" and put up 50 on our poor Chargers. Of course, that's assuming Peyton bothers to read Acee's scathing criticism. I imagine some agent or PR guy says, "Hey Peyton, did you here Kevin Acee says the Chargers have got your number?" and Peyton goes, "What? Who? Eff that guy."

Look, I have no problem with shouting "Scoreboard! Scoreboard! Scoreboard!" at Peyton Manning all day, but let's not pretend that the universe has proven unequivically that Peyton Manning just can't beat the Chargers and should probably just call in sick on those days. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if at least part of the reason Peypey made the awful decision to join the Broncos in the first place was so that he could have two chances a year to tweak the lopsidedness of that head-to-head record.

Really, I just hate anytime anyone says that because we did this before we'll clearly do it again. This isn't the same team. I doubt Cason's going to get out there and pick off Manning 15 times or whatever. Sproles isn't around to run back a couple of kicks. There is no reason to believe that those past performances have anything to do with this one. Many of our old heroes are gone, and Denver actually packs a defense when they come to town. That's something those Colts teams rarely did. Saying those games determine the outcome of this game is like Raiders fans clamoring about rings they won decades ago. Means nothing to me. And watch, Acee will write nearly the exact same article about the Ravens when they come to town later in the year. We are impervious to the Ravens Ravenousity.

But perhaps my favorite part of the article is where AJ actually tries not to be a complete dick about Peyton Manning, but Acee assures us all that he knows-because him and AJ share a special secret inner bond-that AJ was, in fact, being a total dick. Okay, that part I believe.

Every time I read an article like this-and that's a lot, because Acee's articles are almost always recycled versions of articles he's written previously that were probably recycled versions of articles Canepa wrote at one time-it makes me kind of want us to lose. And that sucks, because I've nearly convinced myself that I want us to win!

That being said, I totally expect us to handle Manning on Monday. That guy just can't figure us out.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Week 5 Premature Evaluation...

Welcome back to the Week 5 Premature Evaluation. As you know by now this is where we assign grades to each team on a mostly pass fail basis unless of course I feel like being a dick. We're at the point in the season where it's totally valid and not at all too arbitrary to rank all the teams in their proper order of hierarchy.  If I offend you or the team you root for, tough shit. Get thicker skin and or a better coach/player/staff.  Off we go...

1.-- Texans (5-0) Clearly thanks are in order for again showing the Jets the door. But, Jesus Houston. Could you be more boring?  So schedule guy, what patsy do you have slated for Houston this week? Green Bay? Are they any good? Pass. Stop being so fucking boring and likable Houston. Get somebody arrested in a salacious scandal or something. 
2. – 49ers (4-1). Dismantling the Bills earns you the number two spot in this list. And while I want to put you number one here, I can’t for three reasons. 1) The Bills barely count as a professional football team. 2) You lost to the Vikings. 3) I hate your stupid faces and I will boo you at your funeral. Pass. B.
3.– Falcons (5-0). I’m amazed that the Matt Ryan express has not derailed itself to date. I stand by the fact that I’m sure it will.  Yet, somehow you pulled another unlikely victory out of your ass against the something or other Redskins. Good fortune continues to befall you at every turn as you knocked Pipi Longstocking out of the game and her replacement threw picks like a high draft pick should. Pass. B-. You clearly have been sucking at the tit of lady luck.
4.  Giants (3-2). It goddamned pains me to put you here.  But you continue to be the best backing in flying under the radar team ever in the history of the NFL ever. Even the Browns had you up against the ropes until you decided to throw it in reverse and back that machine up. Pass. B. 
5. Patriots (3-2). An effective running game two weeks in a row? I’m really starting to worry about those frisky Mayans. Thanks for nothing by the way; you clearly didn’t straighten out the ability to evaluate the Donkeys. Pass. C. 
6. Ravens (4-1). Kansas City nightlife must be spectacular. Clearly you were bombed at game time. I’ve never heard of anything cool to do in that state, but you were obviously painting the town in other people’s blood the night before the game.  Oh how I want to fail you for that performance, but I can’t do that after you helped usher in the Brady Quinn era. Pass. C-. 
7 . Bears (4-1). Let’s not be fooled by the fact that the NFC North is abysmal. There is no logical reason that this team is 4-1. The defense is inspiring. The offense? Still revolves around Sulkface the Clown. You are rising steadily higher on my list of people to hate.  Beating Jacksonville however gets you a pass. C+. 
8. Packers (2-3). Woof. Perhaps people were right about this defense. Perhaps you are regressing on offense. Clearly you are a shade better than terrible but in the awful spectrum, you register pretty high.  Fail. Fail. Fail. 
9. – Steelers (2-2). Scrappy good team I don’t really ever want to play. I don’t want to be jealous of a coaching staff that’s always hovering around mediocrity, but they make our coaches look like kindergarteners playing tag in the sandbox. Pass. B+. 
10.  Eagles (3-2).  We are getting dangerously close to a battery riot and or lynching of Andy Reid. How you have a winning record defies everything logical in the entire universe. I can’t believe I’m putting you in the top 10. I can't believe you're still asking Mike Vick to do math, instead of just making his life easy and giving the ball to Shady every single time. To top it off you even got a huge fail this week. F. F for you. F. 
11. Vikings (4-1). Another week another win. Percy Harvin is obviously the real deal and there’s still that Adrian Peterson guy lying in wait. I’m not ready to say you’re playoff bound or anything but hell, you’re shocking the shit out of me. Pass. A-. 
12. Saints (1-4). I know. You think I’m crazy. But offensively this isn’t a 1-4 football team and if you weren’t paying attention, an interim interim head coach just outcoached our one and only. A Labrador could probably achieve that as well but Dean hasn’t hired  a Labrador just yet. Just someone who has the personality of one.  Pass. B-. 
13. Chargers (3-2).  This team has the heart of a ladybug taking a shit when adversity strikes. They're like your bipolar cousin who cries during phone commercials. The Saints may have been the best 0-4 team in the history of this NFL, but they kicked our ass when it mattered. Hell, even Collinsworth saw it coming, while Norv again, did not. Fail. F. 
14. Seahawks (3-2).  What? Really? I have the Seachickens in the top 15? How did that happen? I guess I’m seduced by good defense the same way Pete Carroll is seduced by a quarterback that might be better at ballet than football. But hey, they win games. Pass. B. 
15. Cowboys (2-2). This is how sad a state the NFL is in this season. The Cowgirls are also in the top 15. Obviously the Cowgirls are awful but even Romo isn’t capable of failing a bye week.  He did throw 4 interceptions but they did not lose. No grade assigned this week, but still colossal failures. 
16. Rams (3-2).  Still a plucky bunch this St. Louis team. A far cry from their “Greatest Show on Turf” days, but somehow getting it done. The Superathlete has supplanted Sam Bradford on the “Most Fragile Football Player Alive” list. Also now contains real defense! With 30% more hate!  Pass. B+. 
17.  Broncos (2-3).  If this team decided to actually try before the 57th minute of each game they could be formidable. I think I've typed that almost every week this season. We are next on their slate, and we’ll likely pick Manning off six times and stomp on his stem cell stash, or we’ll cry ourselves to sleep over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s feeling bloated and wondering if people think we’re fat.
18.  Bengals (3-2). This is the type of squad that will inevitably deteriorate into an offense versus defense civil war. Ultimately, you’re still the Bengals and that’s a legacy of losing that is difficult to shed.  And you’re kind of shitty. Still. Fail. 
19. Cardinals (4-1). That deal with the Devil needs to have the pot sweetened a little bit. If we somehow trade Jared Gaither and he is suddenly “revived” we’ll truly know.  He can’t be any worse than what they have there. Fail. F. 
20. Lions (1-3).  Probably a shitty football team, but with Calvin Johnson, anything truly is possible. As long as “anything” doesn’t include winning anything except your fantasy game. 
21. Dolphins (2-3). Let’s not get crazy Dolphin fans. You beat the Bengals. While that’s a victory on paper, it hardly counts for anything relevant. I’d say take solace in the fact that you live in Miami, but I’ve been to Miami and it fucking sucks. I wouldn’t let my inbred dog live in Miami. Pass. C. 

22. Redskins (2-3). You are way outkicking your coverage with RGIII. You cannot afford to concuss that guy, lest Shanahan move to a quarterback platoon just to throw everyone off their scent. That scent is awfully shitty though and difficult to mask. Perhaps a gallon of ether will do it.  Fail. F. 
23. Colts (2-2).  Fine comeback emotional play for their coach over the Packers. Unfortunately for them, someone isn’t going to get leukemia every week and inspiration will run short. Pass. B. 
24.  Bucs (1-3). If you could find a way to kill yourselves or just quit the league we’d all be thankful. You make terrible football teams look like juggernauts. 
25. Bills (2-3). Call it Berman Syndrome but I want to root for you soooo bad. But then I realize that you had your run, you went to and lost four Super Bowls. You should have been contracted years ago. Yet, you’re still bringing down the strength of schedule for real teams every year. Fail. There is no grade low enough for you. Fail. 
26. Panthers (1-4).  Cam Newton gained his Freshman Fifteen and has officially hit his Sophomore Slump. Unfortunately, I think he’s going to be a sophomore forever. Fail. F. 
27. Titans (1-4). We’ve entered the point in the power rankings where all the teams are shitty and ranking them at this point is based mostly on uniform color rather than actual terrible play. Chris Johnson returned to his Jared Gaither like form and another blowout ensued. Fail. F. 
28 . Raiders (1-3).  If it’s any consolation, your fans are also the worst in the league. You have something in common now. 
29. Chiefs (1-4). I’m not a huge fan of cheering for injury however I'm not that far above it either. I am a fan of Brady Quinn making an appearance in our division. That’s good for everyone but the Chefs. Fail. F. 
30. Jaguars (1-4). Your Sheik of an owner wants to play more games in England. He doesn’t want to pay MJD. He likes Blaine Gabbart. Clearly you are being sabotaged from within. Revolt Jags fans revolt! All 9 of you can make a statement! Revolution will be yours! Just kidding. Fail. J-. 
31. Cleveland (0-5). Let me be clear about this. No one cares. Not one person. No one. Fail. Zero points, zero. 
32. Jets (2-3). Boy did that feel good. I feel like I need a cigarette and a shower. I wish the NFL would demote you to Division IAA but alas they will not. So we will all continue to enjoy your futility and laugh. F. Fail. F
Another fine week in the books. And yet another opportunity for the NFL to put us on the big stage Monday night! Thanks for ruining my Tuesday's Roger! Thank you! NO! THANK YOU!

Monday, October 08, 2012

Disturbing Trend Alert!

For two and a half quarters last night, the Chargers shined! Playing toe-to-toe with the best 0-4 team in football! The knife was buried in the belly of the beast and all our precious Bolts had to do was twist. And twist they did. Interception! Touchdown! Penalty... Rookie Melvin Ingram decided to tackle Brees' chinstrap with the crown of his helmet. And that somehow drew a flag. It's like the officials don't even know he has tiny little arms and can't sack quarterbacks in the conventional way that other linemen can. In a lot of ways, that was the most discriminatory flag ever thrown in the NFL. After that flag-even with a 10 point lead!-we were never in that game again. One big mistake and the Chargers disappear. It happened after Mathews fumbled against the Falcons and it happened again last night. It's a disturbing trend and that's why I named this post "Disturbing Trend Alert!" Look, I get it. I really do. One time in 4th grade I made an embarrassing charades gaffe while on a field trip to Balboa Park and then Jennifer G. decided she didn't want to "go with me" anymore, and I've never gotten over it. I still can't engage females comfortably. The big difference, though, is that no one pays me a million or more dollars to get over my Maverick-like fear of engagement with women. So sack up, you group of Nancys! This is your job!

Sure, we can all get up in arms because the refs decided to bust out their t-shirt guns and start firing yellow flags all over the place to get the home crowd riled up during that final drive, but how did we get there? And wht did it matter? When was the last time we successfully came back and won a game at the end? It feels like we used to do that, but I can barely remember.

No, it was that penalty that overturned a glorious pick six. That was our Steve Bartman. And who's to blame? I'm going to go with the old dead horse we all know and love to beat. This is Norv. You can't lose your team like that over a little adversity. Great teams strive in the face of adversity. The Saints did last night. We had them on the ropes and all it took to rally them was one glimmer of hope in the form of a penalty flag that negated a whopper of a mistake. They took that gift from us and ran. Never looked back. And they don't even have a coach! Once again, this team has Norv's greasy, pock-marked fingerprints all over it. This team is a Jaguar. It can look like a well oiled machine. A high performance wonder. But it doesn't take much to put it in the shop. I want to love this team. I want to be wrong. But it's heartbreaking to watch it come apart when a good team would rise to the occasion. It's the same story over and over again. This one hurt. And that's an all too comon feeling in the last few years.

Sunday, October 07, 2012

Sunday Night Football, Bitches!

Alright, so I didn't make any picks this week, because I'm lazy and none of you people has sent me a dime since I started writing on this blog 7 years ago. I have been collecting $0.00/hr for all this time and I have banked shitloads of overtime, so if I can't get away with ditching my picks for one lousy week, well then nuts to y'all! I'm sorry, I don't know why I just got so upset. It's not your fault. I just don't find myself physically attracted to you people anymore and I think we need to take a break and re-evaluate our relationship. Yeah, that's right! I'm dumping you! I'm the one who didn't make my picks and I'm calling you out. Deal with it. Holy Hell, what am I talking about?! There's been a fair amount of drinking this weekend and I may have damaged my brain.

Anyway, judging from my track record all of my picks would have been spot on and we'd all be millionaires now, Sorry. I do feel like I should say a few things about tonight's game, though, so here goes.

  • I can't see any way in the universe that Drew Brees allows an AJ Smith team to beat him. Dude is so bitter.
  • I can't see any way in the universe that the Saints defense doesn't let us win this game.
  • This is another one of those test games to see what we really are. The last one was Atlanta. We all know how that turned out.
  • Due theory. Can the Saints possibly go 0-5.
  • I need a huge game from Malcolm Floyd tonight for my fantasy team, so there is no way in the universe that he doesn't pull a hammy in the first quarter.
  • I love Kool-aid.
Bolts 34, Saints 31

Go Bolts!!!

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Week 4 Premature Evaluation....

Welcome back to the weekly premature evaluations. This week is special in that most of us believe that not much can truly be inferred about the football season until at least four weeks have elapsed. Well, four weeks have finally passed and the first quarter of the season is in the books. As is the norm, we're assigning grades on a mostly pass fail basis, of course, unless I feel like being a dick. Ludicrous speed. GO!

  • Cleveland- ah Cleveland. Most of the sporting world has some sort of weird sympathy for your ineptitude over the years. I'm not one of those people. Lebron James left for a reason. You're a shitty city. You looked slightly less shitty this week, but that's like being the smaller turd in the punchbowl. Fail. 
  • Baltimore- If I've said it once I've said it at least once. You can't control your schedule. You have to beat the crap out of whatever poor sap you take the field with. That being said you beat a shitty team on a very short week so there's that to hang your murder weapon on. Pass. With a sprinkle of C+. 
  • Carolina- You will live and die each week hitched to the back of Cam Newton. Hope that works out for you more than 50% of the time. It likely won't. You showed some spunk however, but in the end you were just merely covered in it. Fail. 
  • Atlanta- Ride this wave high ATL faithful. Matt Ryan is playing WAY over his head. That crash to earth is going to go down harder than M.C. Hammer's bankruptcy. Remember your legacy is hitched to that train wreck. Pass. B-.
  • New England- This game seemed weirdly close late, right up until it wasn't. This was like that apple scene in Good Will Hunting when the southie Boston kids were messing with the Ivy leaguers except far less self indulgent. You even caught the Brady cussing on t.v. "We're tough dammit!"  Riiiiggghhhhtttt...don't forget your wife's uggs Tom. Pass. C+. 
  • Buffalo- You lost to an arguably better than average Patriot team. There's no shame in losing. Well, except when you give up 3408 yards on the ground to the Patriots. What's wrong with you? You were almost out of the irrelevant basement you were sharing with the other horrible New York team. Looks like you're stuck with that roommate for at least another week. Losers. You suck. F. Fail. F. 
  • Minnesota- Gritty gritty football team. I still have no idea what to make of you. You seem particularly good at... at.... something? KICK RETURNS! That's it! You're good at special teams! Yay for you! I can't possibly know how you're winning outside of smoke, mirrors and ketamine. Still, I can't fail you for winning. Pass. C+. You're improving however slowly. 
  • Detroit- You are highly regarded as the worst city in America. All the remaining 38 people in Detroit have is your football team. You disappointed 37 of them. One was passed out at the abandoned Ford factory in a cloudy heroin daze. Thankfully he was spared your performance. I'd say you've regressed but I think that's an insult to regression. F. Fail. F. 
  • Tennessee- There will be no more music city miracles for you. Good news though, Chris Johnson isn't dead! He's really great when you're getting the shit kicked out of you and the opposing defense is already at happy hour smothering their steak in bourbon butter. Fail. F. 
  • Houston- Yawn. I'll find out where you got your internet sex tape of the schedule guy and end this blackmail once and for all. This is getting ridiculous. I'm sure it gets harder this week though....(google).... the Jets? You get to play the Jets now? Fuck you, what the shit did you do to get this schedule? Weren't you in the playoffs last year? What the shit? Pass. B.
  • San Diego- Gah. The Big Lazy finally took the field and made $9,000,000 dollars. In order to justify money like that you'd have had to shit a football down the field to Antonio Gates for a 48 point touchdown if you wanted me to appreciate your presence. You did not do that.  Good news! Ryan Matthews didn't fumble! He also didn't mostly play. I'll ignore all the rest of the mediocrity for now in lieu of humble praise. Pass. B-. Don't push your luck with me. 
  • Kansas City- It's hard to shake the feeling that if you didn't turn the ball over 53 times you might have had a say in the outcome of this game. You have some promise I guess, but that doesn't make me hate you any less. You have been a wart on the Chargers ass for too long. It's about time to scrape you off. Fail. F. 
  • San Francisco- Words cannot express the hatred I have for your organization. Well, they possibly could but it would take far too many of them. But, in this case, you furthered the decline of the worst New York team that seemingly so many people care about. In reality, you beat a shitty football team handily and you made them look stupid. I like it when the Jets look stupid. So for a week I thank you. Pass. A-. 
  • New York Junior Varsity- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Deep Breath. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA! So much fun, ah soooo much fun.  J-E-T-S, Suck Suck Suck!!! FAIL. Space Shuttle Challenger Epic Fail Fail. You get an M this week, wait, M-. 
  • Seattle- Karma's a mother fucker Seattle. It's going to curb stomp you in the future. I hope you are ready for it.  It starts with the Rams. I'd sit in the emergency exit row of the team plane from now on as well. Fail. F. 
  • St. Louis- What to say about you except you're scrappy. Scrappy teams are likable but ultimately they wind up being shitty and quickly forgotten. Here's to hoping that's what you are. Savor this victory though, the inevitable Sam Bradford injury seems like it's on borrowed time. I'm feeling generous you plucky bunch! Pass. B+. Hoorah for you!
  • Miami- You're still a bunch of fucking losers, and somehow you lost to the biggest group of losers going except that for some miraculous reason they are undefeated. Did I mention things square themselves out after week four? Yeah, I was fucking wrong. Fail. 
  • Arizona- Curt Warner. Satan. Deal with the devil? Larry Fitzgerald now has no soul. Coincidence? I think not.  Pass. B. 
  • Oakland- Boy, you did a number in your Halloween costumes making Denver look like a powerhouse. I guess I had no idea how shitty you really were. Good thing you got that Carson Palmer off the bargin pile. You paid what for him? EEEEESH! Old Al is totally fucking you from beyond the grave. Your fans deserve this. They're terrible. Fail. 
  • Denver- God Dammit. You're going to make me sweat wondering if you're good or not until we play you aren't you? I hope your plane crashes into an AIDS factory. Pass. D+. 
  • Cincinnati- Way to beat up on your little sister in the rain. That's sure to win you some fans. We need not revisit the schedule guy again here so you'll get no further condescension from me for your deplorably boring performance in dismantling a football team that resembles little more than a mannequin. Pass. Moving on. 
  • Jacksonville- Still not paying MJD. Does anyone in Jacksonville believe you're not on the fast track to Los Angeles? Anyone? You will all regret celebrating the mustachioed Sheik that bought your team the way you did when the moving vans are running you over on the sidewalk. There's not enough fail for you. F. Fail. F-f.
  • New Orleans- OH! So CLOSE! Fuck you. Go clean the shit and vomit off Bourbon Street you fucking whiny losers. F. Fail. 
  • Green Bay- I'd say the NFL owes you one. I also say they'll make good on that. When? I have no idea, but some other fan base is going to be fucking pissed when it happens. Hopefully it's the VaGiants. Pass. B+.
  • Washington- You're not very good but you are exciting which is something. RGIII is the new something or other that's fast and has a rocket arm but seemingly only is relevant when he's turning chicken shit into chicken salad. He is the broken play master! That Shanahan though, woof. Bad news that guy. Pass. C+.
  • Tampa- I'm slowly starting to hate your coach. Lots of people are way ahead of me on that one though. You'd almost be likable except for that piss hole. What a dick. Fail. F. 
  • New York VaGiants- Gah! How did you blow that one? Andy Reid out Norved Norv and you still couldn't grab that victory around the neck and choke it out. You should feel terrible about yourselves. FAIL. X-. 
  • Philadelphia- You've clearly been suckling at the tit of fortitude. Your coach did everything short of quitting on the spot and forfeiting victory to the gashes of Gotham. Your upper management needs to reevaluate all of your lower management right now. Or at least take away their ability to use timeouts. Pass. D-. 
  • Chicago- Man are you wholly unlikable. The only thing that can salvage your painfully dull squad is if Brandon Marshall donkey punches Jay Cutler in his sulky face in the huddle. I'm pretty sure you can't play Reauxmeaux every week so in theory it might get harder to win. In theory. Pass. C. Dickheads.
  • Dallas- Ah Dallas!! You're so fucking fun when you're awful. What the fuck was that Reauxmeaux? I mean, besides fucking excellent for my soul, what the FUCK was that? I love it when your fans are sad. Please have a wonderful game this week so we can be blessed to watch the Romo/Garrett legacy continue. PLEASE!!! Oh, but Fail. F fucking minus Fail F minus. 
Another week in the books and the glory of the NFL is now officially in full swing. Sit back, relax, and grab a cool one. It's going to be a fun ride. There's still so much time for some incredible performances to materialize and so much pleasure waiting for us in other's failures. I for one can't wait. 

Next week's episode will feature far more assholery on my part and will be new and improved. Now with Power Rankings! Happy NFLing everybody!