Friday, November 30, 2007

Not This Guy Again.

It’s been a difficult year to write about this San Diego Chargers team. When they’ve been bad, they’ve been deplorable and then it’s easy to think of things to say and share appalling observations, but it certainly doesn’t feel good. When they’ve been good, they haven’t really been all that good, so it’s impossible to be all excited and glowy and such. The whole thing kind of just feels like I guess it’s supposed to feel when the team is a shaky 6-5 with a one game lead in a piss poor division. I mean, I guess it would be cool to win the division and get an extra game. I suppose it beats the alternative. I just can’t seem to really get my hopes up for anything more, and now I understand how Minnesota and Houston fans in the 90s felt. We’re good, but we’re certainly not good enough. I hope I’m wrong, and the unicorn lover in me believes that we can get it all together and be the powerhouse we were for most of last year. We’ll just have to see.

Unfortunately, we face off with the Chiefs this week in their home, Arrowhead. This game could be scary. A lot of people have picked us, and I see the reasoning, but I just don’t know. Not because they came to San Diego and whooped our asses earlier in the season. Not because the Chiefs have an absolutely ludicrous December home record. No, I’m worried because Damon Huard will retake the reigns from Brodie Croyle this week. Listen, there are three guys that truly scare me as a Charger fan, and these are they:


That’s right, Gus Frerotte. I’m not going to go through the effort of looking up exact numbers-because quite frankly I don’t have to- but I can say with a fair amount of certainty that Gus Frerotte has had his two best career days against the Bolts. One as a Bronco and one as a Dolphin. Made up, but not too far off combined stats for those two games: 850 yards passing, 7 TDs 0 Ints. Look it up, I might have slighted him there.


That’s Brooks Bollinger. Twice Brooksy there has come into a game we should have won and caused us fits. First was two years ago vs. the Jets in a game we were dominating. By the time Brooks was done, he was only a dropped pass in the end zone away from completing a colossal upset of the best team not to make the playoffs. The second was this year against the ViQueens, and while Adrian Peterson did the majority of the damage, I have to believe our boys remembered that Jets game and decided to let AP have those holes rather than let Brooksy terrorize them again.


You guessed it, Damon Huard. Guy just hates us. The numbers over the last couple of games aren’t gaudy (516 yards, 4 TDs, 2 Ints), but the guy just beats us. And he looks like a limey to me. Bangers and mash? Whatever that means, go drink a warm pint, douchebag. How do I call this one? Chargers 24, Chiefs 17, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see us lose by 17.

Here’s an interesting tidbit I’ve heard from a couple of sources. Last week TBE called a players only meeting to talk to the fellas about the abundance of finger-pointing and blame-gaming. This, in itself is not a big deal as it is exactly the sort of thing a team leader needs to do. What is interesting is who he called for advice as to what to say during this meeting. Any guesses? That’s right, Marty Schottenheimer! I guess that’s one way to tell AJ and Norv to go fuck themselves without providing media soundbites. Go TBE! Go Bolts!!!

Brett Favre Should Obviously Retire.

Aaron Rodgers, he's no Tony Romo, but he's the future of Green Bay Cheesines or whatever.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Aaah, Thursday Night Game!

Fuck you NFL Network, this is a game I could really enjoy doing laundry to. And don't be fooled, this is not your cable company's fault, it's just another NFL cash grab. The cable networks aren't angels here, but the NFL wants bigtime ad dollars and they are holding games hostage to get them.

This should be a fun game, with lots of bad decisions hailed as brilliance throughout. I can see Romo throwing 4 picks in this game, I really could. I could also see Favre trying to steal that thunder. I could not, however, care less at the end of the night.

Packers cause I'm old these days so I have a hard time rooting against Brett Favre 27, Cowgirls cause Tony Romo seems like he's hiding something 24

Oh, and I've been neglecting to share hot girls this week, so here's someone called Jesse Capelli:

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


Saw this over at With Leather and had to share it here. Carl rules.

And yeah, Boston can totally suck it.

Monday, November 26, 2007

How 'bout some Slap and Tickle...

I sit here at the masturbation station wondering quite how I feel about yesterday. I mean, I've been sitting here for about 29 minutes, and I've date raped all my photos of the Charger Girls already, and yet I still don't have any sense of fullfillment whatsoever. What the hell is this world coming to if a heavy dose of T'n'A and a generous slathering of Jergens can't cure what ails ya?

As Max so succinctly put in his post I'm so deviously pushing down the page, eh, I feel okay about the win I guess. I certainly would have been firing on a different level had the Bolts pissed yet another booger off of a urinal cake in Sunday's contest. I guess the Crows are just old and shitty, and better at murder and drug abuse than they are at footballing.

I have yet to see any semblance of the old squad offensively. The defense looks similar, with a difficult to run against group of fat men clogging the middle of the field and the occasional cornerback foul and/or blown coverage to support the heavyweights. Consistent still is the lack of ability for our DB's to actually intercept a pass (Cromartie notwithstanding) as Weddle had not one but two opportunities to prove that Bree Walker might see some success as a safety, were she not well, a woman, old and slow and have that you know, "condition". Ask Lampley what a hand job is like, no wonder he smoked pot and hit her about the head.

Phillipe (Pronounced Fill-Leap, like the Frogs would say it in gay Paris) had a game. He had some time to throw, thanks in part to the return of Nick Hardwick, and throw he did. He looked especially impressive when the Ravens secondary decided that Antonio Gates was hardly worth covering. How can you blame them the way lil' Phillipe has played of late? Early on Young Frenchy Squadleader became flustered at the sounds of what were boos raining down from the rafters of the Murph, apparently causing him to slightly wet himself and cry out in frustration for the crowd to shut up. Save it Phillipe, get thicker skin and quit playing like the retarded inbred second cousin to Eli no one wants to believe you might be. I remember a certain someone who played quarterback in this town for about 19 minutes too long some time ago, who liked to cry and whine most of the time about how it wasn't his fault he sucked. At least he had the common decency and balls to spice up his self tearjerking with some cursing. He was merely completing the masturbation process with his eyes...

I don't know what the hell to think. We beat another team that we should have. We've also lost a couple of those this year. I'm certainly not swallowing the crazy juice that Canepa and Sullivan are spewing forth from their shit chutes. That's fecal column filling wording about as believable as Scientology. We certainly were not doing our impression of a Super Bowl bound squad, but hey, nobody got bludgeoned or stabbed with a champagne bottle outside the confines of the stadium. That should count for something.

A random observation before I go buy stock in wetnaps and Jergens...

*Fuck you Vegas oddsmakers for screwing up all of these lines this week. Pittsburgh -16? Really? When were you going to tell me that all this fucking global warming was causing a fucking tsunami cyclone in Pittsburgh in near December? There's no such thing until is starts fucking with my spreads. Just so you know, it's 0-0 late in the 4th Quarter. -16? Fuck your ass fat Al Gore.

And just so you know, well whatever, happy cheerleader for you...

We Landed On The Moon! We Landed On The Moon!

Let me start by saying that I’m happy with the win. I’m happy with the Denver loss that’s leaves us alone for the time being behind the wheel of the rusted Pinto that is the AFC West. I’m happy that every single game left on our schedule has the potential to be practice time. I’m happy about that because we need it. After this morning’s cocksuckery in the Union Dipatch Post Intelligencer Review, namely from this clown and Tim Sullivan (at least 30% less clowny than Canepa) and from the local morning sports radio idiots ( I won’t name names, but rhymes with Billy Ray Smith and Scott Kaplan) I feel I need to make a few points.

1) Canepa starts his column incredulous that the fans would boo Phiilip Rivers and the offense on the first series of the game. What Nicky fails to realize is that these aren’t merely plays 1-3 in a football game, they are play 201-203 in a long run of offensive offensiveness.

2) Sullivan starts and finishes his column with Rivers’ cock in his mouth, which makes it difficult to understand what he’s trying to get across.

3) The morning radio guys take homerism to an entirely never before heard of level and declare the team 11-5 on the spot, because obviously Philip Rivers has turned the corner and will never falter again.

All of these PAID PROFESSIONALS basically make the same point. Philip Rivers is completely back to Pro Bowl form (BTW, according to one of the wordy sources Rivers’ dad fixed him, not any of our PAID PROFESSIONAL COACHES. Not that we have any purported QB coach gurus on staff or anything. ). I hope so. At the very least I think fans in the stadium should boo him emphatically at every home game, because that really seems to light a fire under him, even if it does also make him look kind of whiny. Here’s the bad news, however: Baltimore was beaten long before this game started. On a four game losing streak, all but eliminated from the post season, and noticeably old, this was the equivalent of beating up an orphan’s little orphan sister. And just as I’d be happy with that win, I’m happy with this win, but not wholly satisfied. They committed to the run early, and with little pass rush or help in the secondary, they’re DBs looked like scarecrows. Then, with the Bolts having a decent lead in the second half against a team with little scoring power, the Ravens never really changed their philosophy, choosing to believe we would try to eat clock rather than attempt to go down field. The results look good on paper, but they don’t tell the whole story. Rivers’ has a long way to go to make me believe he can consistently attack that type of defense at that level of efficiency. He’s going to get a lot of chances to because nobody else believes it either and teams will continue to key on TBE. Fortunately, there aren’t many scary secondaries ahead. The other problem I’m having with this team is that Ted Cottrell is a gutless whore who refuses to bring any pressure on obvious 3rd down passing situations, resulting in a plentitude of egregious conversions and allowing the Ravens to actually score two offensive TDs (practically unheard of). The pass pressure looked better for the most part yesterday, with Phillips and Merriman going after the QB together several times, but once again the defense backed off without twisting the knife. There are a couple of potent offenses ahead that may enjoy that kind of defensive gameplan. I still believe we will make the playoffs, but this team will need to show me a bit more before I believe they make it with a record as convincing as 11-5. Denver, Tennessee and Detroit are just too mediocre not to give us a hard time. Oakland and KC look appropriately shitty enough for us to beat ( I know, CJ, KC beat us at home, but they have gotten worse since then so leave me alone for calling them a gimme.). Once you get to the playoffs anything can happen, though. Don’t believe me? Just look at the underdogs we’ve played in the playoffs the last few times we made it that far. Super Bowl, CJ!!! Go Bolts!!!

P.S. Good job of the Eggles making the Pats look human. However did they do it? Well, I’ll just refer to myself:

"You have to sell out on the pass rush. You have to get pressure early and you have to get to Brady…You’re going to get burned, but you have to prepare for the fact that holding this team to twenty-something points is your best shot at victory, so a couple early scores is not a horrible thing. The thing is, Tom Brady, under pressure, seriously starts to look human behind center."

Pretty close to what the Eagles did, and if not for an ill-fated and unnecessary shot at the end zone late, they very well could have taken that game. Some people are calling this a blueprint game, but I doubt there are too many teams that can actually do it. Of course, those teams that can are typically the type you find in the playoffs, so for at least a week we can all dream of sobbing Boston fans.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Gobble Gobble.

Well, tomorrow's Thanksgiving and that can mean only one thing. Bad football. Of course, how bad can it really be? The Chargers aren't going to be underachieving and outcoached anywhere near a football field until Sunday. Let's take a look. And in the spirit of thankfulness, I'll go ahead and treat you to a few random heroines from the show Heroes (Which I should totally cut, but I can't because I'm a geek and I like hot girls; but seriously they need to refine that shit a bit and maybe kill off some of the uglier characters because it's becoming one crazy clusterfuck of a program).

First off, we have the Packers at the Lions. This looks like a big match-up actually. That is, if you have a time machine and go back to three weeks ago before the upstart Lions started to fold like a Barcalounger. And, let's face it, time machines are for the rich and powerful.
Pack 34, Lions 20

Next, we have the Jets going to Dallas to face the amazing Tony Romo. Seriously, last week Tony Romo picked up a ball that was snapped over his head and instead of throwing it away in the face of pressure, he tried to force it to Terrell Owens, which resulted in an interception. The announcers called it a brilliant play by Romo. Our QB does shit like that weekly and they call it struggling. Football can be confusing. Still, Romo and the Cowgirls are hot this year. However, the Jets just derailed a hot team you may have heard of called the Pittsburgh Stee-oh, who the fuck am I kidding?
Cowgirls 38, Jerks 13

Veronica Mars. I told you I was a geek.

Last, and possibly least, we have the Colts heading to the Falcons. This is a game over half the country will have to go to a bar to see because it is being televised on the NFL Network. Funny thing is, I totally want to go to a bar tomorrow night. Sadly, not to watch this bullshit. I'm guessing there are about ten million people right now that are saying, "You know, maybe dogfighting should only result in a fine."
Colts 23, Falcons 10

Wow, I'm nearly twice her age. This post just got depressing.

Anyway, there's what I think of the Thanksgiving festivities the NFL intends to force feed us tomorrow. Also, Some of you may be wondering why I didn't say anything about Nick Canepa's column yesterday and while I was certainly tempted to point out that Nick is looking for any scapegoat he can for AJ Smith while also reprimanding the San Diego public for not being more enthusiastic about the team, I realized that I can just not spend any more time on the douche. Happy Thanksgiving, bitches!!!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Football Is Awesome.

In just two short weeks from now, San Diego Chargers General Manager and resident Bad-Ass Cowboy A.J. Smith will sit down in his cozy chair, perhaps with a hearty fire burning. He'll scratch little Nicky Canepa behind the ears and feed him a treat. Then he'll get down to serious business of, as he is wont to do, pontificating the third quarter of this San Diego Chargers football season. I know not what the next two weeks will bring (though I can only imagine), but I assume that thus far A.J. will fondly remind himself of how we defeated the Defending Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts in front of tens of thousands of cheering fans at Qualcomm Stadium. He'll praise our efforts in going into a hostile Jacksonville environment and coming to within a touchdown of matching a strong Jaguars team. He'll tell himself that years from now all NFL quarterbacks will be chicken-winging the football all willy-nilly around the field, and that he'll be regarded as a genius for heralding in the pioneer of the art in Philip Rivers. He'll sell your grandmother to a sweatshop and give your sister gonorrhea. Well, maybe not, but you get the idea. The man is wildly delusional and should probably be put away for his own good.

It gets worse. CJ does not think the Chargers will make it to the playoffs. While I certainly respect that position and I can easily see the logic and reasoning behind it, I have to defer to the major assbaggery that is the AFC West right now (Motto: "I swear to God, we'll send one of these teams to the playoffs!"). We are strongly poised to enter the postseason with a record of .500 or-I shudder to even think it-below. And you're all thinking what I'm about to say, even if you haven't been brave enough to say it aloud. If we make the postseason, and somehow miraculously win a wildcard playoff game, A.J. will stand in front of us and with a straight face declare the Norv Turner era a resounding success. I shit you not, he'll say it, Canepa will ape it, and I will go live under a bridge with my imaginary friends Dan Fouts and Stan Humphries.

The only silver lining here may be that I really can't imagine that we're going to get anywhere near the Patriots again this year, and honestly, who the fuck wants to? That team is stupid good and they pretty much make everybody feel like the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays when they come to town. Football's not even fun anymore with them in it. Unless you're from Boston. In which case, yeah, you're team is fucking awesome, but you still have to deal with being a dipshit. Quite frankly, I really don't know what Bill Belichek is trying to do. I mean, at this point I have to believe the rest of the league is just about ready to disband, and that would leave Bill and all his boys jobless. Merry fucking Christmas indeed (Fuck your "Happy Holidays!" bullshit. Christmas you fucks!).

Next up, a clash between two teams that obviously played well above their abilities last year and are now making their fans choke on it. Bring it on, Baltimore, we're really going something when you come to town. Go Bolts. No, seriously. Like, away. Happy Thanksgiving, go share some pie with a Native American.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Dear Philip Rivers,

How are you? I am fine. You seem like a very nice person on television. You are clean cut and you seem honest and I would totally let you date my sister if I had one. You seem as though you would make an excellent salesman or, perhaps, bartender. I bet you are a very good listener and I imagine you are very trustworthy. Unfortunately, I think NFL quarterback may be just a bit outside you skill set. Well, whatever, a lot of people never even made it as far as you have and that is something to be proud of. Anyway, good luck in whatever you decide to do

Your friend,
Maximum Colossus

P.S. You stink.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Many, Yet Not All, Of My Picks.

Three times this week I referred to TBE as Natrone Means. Then it occurred to me; that is exactly what the problem is. Norv is coaching from a 1995 media guide. I can see him speaking to himself in his big empty head: “Big, goofy white quarterback with lots of heart? Yep, that’s definitely Stan Humphries. So why can’t this Means kid break a tackle up the middle? Says right here that’s our bread and butter. I’ll have to have Junior and the Sheriff have a sit down with him, cause if he doesn’t start bowling people over soon I’m going to have to give this Ay-Ron kid a shot.”

Once again our Bolts approach a game that could very well define what sort of team we really-oh, fuck that! We may never know what this team is. Be that as it may I honestly believe, for no explicable reason whatsoever, that the offense goes apeshit crazy on the vaunted Jacksonville D this weekend. Seriously, I think Rivers will be accurate, efficient and essentially mistake free this week. I think TBE will find plenty of room to run and Gates will be...well, Gates. I think we light it up a la 2006 and everybody gets a big boner for what may become of the rest of the season. Of course, I also believe that the defense gives up about 300 yards rushing again, but they’ll make enough big plays to pull it off. Not a moment too soon, either, because the Shit Ponies are starting to realize that being a piss poor football does not necessarily mean you aren’t allowed to show up for the post-season. Bolts 37, Jag-offs 27

As for the rest of this week's games, what the hell? I’ll make some picks, but no fucking spread because gambling is the Devil!

NYG @ Detroit
Seriously, I have no fucking idea, but don’t you sometimes wish Eli Manning was your QB?
vaGiants 38, Lions 20

Cleveland Rox @ Baltimore
Hmm…How’s Cleveland’s kicker? That was appalling last week Ravens, you’ll get no love from me. Also, you suck.
Browns 24, Nevermores 6

Tampa @ Atlanta
I know they won last week but it actually just took me a few seconds to remember where the Falcons play. Defense is okay, though. This game is going to suck.
Bucs 14, Falcons 13

Oaklangeles @ Minnesota
After last week, I don’t know if I can ever pick the Raiders or the Bears to win a game again. For the Raiders at least AP is hurt, or this could be a serious blowout. Instead it will just be regular ugly as far as games go.
ViQueens 13, R8rs 12

KC @ Indy
I don’t know…Colts, I guess? The Chiefs are a game out of first and switching to their rookie QB. That worked great for the Broncos last year. Still, the Colts are awfully banged up. Still, the Chiefs are stupid.
Colts 28, Chiefs 14

Miami @ Philly
Could this be Miami’s week? Probably not. Will John Beck give them the spark they need to get off the schneid? I said “Probably not.”
Eggles 34, Fins 14

Arizona @ Cincinnati
It is impossible to correctly spell Cincinnati without spell-check. Fuck you, Cincinnatti!
Cards 30, Bengals 22

NO @ Houston
Who knows which Saints team shows up? But the Tehans are way too Tehan to win this thing.
Saints 31, Tehans 23

Carolina @ Green Bay
Favre vs. Testeverde in a battle for the ages. Favre does not respect his elders and Teste can do not a thing about it.
Pack 27, Panthers 16

There, that’s the morning games, but now I’ve grown bored. Maybe I’ll do the rest before Sunday or maybe I’ll leave you hanging. Who knows? It’s my prerogative. Also, I know I said that gambling was the Devil, but if you were really good at math you could figure out from my predictions how I think teams will do against the spread and make a fortune and send me half. I guess, deep down inside, I’m just pure evil. And Rachel Bilson is as cute as a button.

A super hot button (That show Chuck is lame, though)! Go Bolts!!!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Football Is Awesome.

That there was some solid vitriol from my esteemed colleague CJ, and if you haven’t read it yet you should just go ahead and scroll right down there to take a look. Bravisimo, that leaves much less for me to have to try to put into bitter bile-tasty words of my own choosing (And I also will be foregoing any picture posting). Truly, I have very little to add regarding Sunday’s coconut-fucking contest to that which has already been lucidly expressed in Michael Silver’s column that I linked yesterday, or CJ’s far more urban take previously mentioned. I would, however predictably, like to point out how much of a douche local sportswriter Nick Canepa is, though. In less than 24 hours Canepa went from this actually somewhat insightful rant about the shortcomings of the Charger coaching staff during our unlikely victory over the defending Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts to this piece, where he calls out the city of San Diego for being a bunch of worthless ingrates for scoffing at a victory over the defending Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts that gave our team a lone share of 1st place in the AFC West. There’s no cliché in sports I adore more than “A win is a win.” So what’s with the flip flop, Nick? I’ve never seen someone’s backbone shatter so quickly. Or did AJ alleviate your fears by letting you sleep in mom and dads bed Monday night and send you off to sweet slumber with stories of how the AFC West will be won much the same as the Old West, with gumption and a six-gun, the very tools our cowboy GM brings to the table? More likely, BA GM AJ reminded you that there are a million other sports dogs out there willing to curl up in his lap and yap annoyingly at his detractors. Whatever the case, thank you for once again placating my overwhelming need for lunacy in San Diego sports media. No wonder people that move to San Diego can’t bring themselves to root for our teams.

In other news, I’m hearing that Quentin Jammer will return to action this week, sending Antonio Cromartie back to the bench. Let me be the first to say thank the Lord our coaches are finally taking a stand and sending a valuable message to the players! That message? “You’ve got earn your way onto this team!” Maybe Cromartie will think twice about not head butting Peyton Manning at some crucial point of the game in an attempt to intimidate the Super Bowl MVP quarterback into throwing even more interceptions. 6 interceptions to lead the league with only one actual start under his belt? Big whoop! What have you done for us lately? Like, literally in the last 15 minutes? That’s what I thought. And while we’re on the subject, what’s the deal with this Sproles character? Returns two kicks for TDs in the first quarter, and then essentially disappears for the rest of the game? That’s right, three quarters, no TDs. If he can’t dedicate himself to playing an entire 60 minutes of football on Sunday, I’m sure AJ can find someone who can. This entire team is skating on thin ice as far as I’m concerned. Go AJ!!!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Happy Daze... Fuck You.

No sugar coating this one. No fucking frilly happiness. No fucking hot chicks, no fucking celebrating. This was one for the ages.

I'll spare you all the minute by minute commentary that I noted throughout the debacle. If you watched, you saw. If you were any of the probable millions who watched that nationally televised shit sucking, you know. On paper, we defeated the mighty Indy Little Horses, defending Super Bowl kings. On the field, well, you know. Darren Sproles and Antonio Cromartie played fantastic games, perhaps we should have run a wishbone option with LTD and Sproles with Cromartie quarterbacking the thing Air Force style. Perhaps then we would have had more than 10 offensive points and some semblance of an offensive game plan. I think little Sproles had more all purpose yards than did the entire Norv Offense. It was certainly close enough for someone who gives a shit to look up. I for one, am not one of those shit givers.

As far as I'm concerned, the coaches look like they are completely overmatched. They also appear to enjoy dining on the finer delicacies in life of gonads and Dungy's taint. If anyone can take solace or any positivity from this game should be tied to the hood of a Pacer in the summer sun of Phoenix and flogged with a bamboo shiv until death seems pleasant. From your vanilla Pop Warner creativity on offense, to the Leafian style of quarterbacking, and the seive like defensive strategies, your systems are tired. If you are a member of this team and your title contains the words offense, defense and or staff in it, you should kindly donate your paychecks to the less fortunate and turn in your hats, and security badges and leave town post haste. You have run a mighty machine into pathetic mediocrity. Sixty year old porn stars have been less violated than the what you have brought to our squad. Bite me you assholes. How is that for clear and concise analysis? You ought to take yourselves outside and kill yourselves. But, that might be too kind. Enjoy your victory, that other shoe dropped last night and you escaped. Don't think that because you got a tally in the 'W' column you achieved any sort of success. Fuck your mouths...

Fucking Seriously?

If you had told me yesterday that a win against the Indianapolis Colts would leave me this disappointed I would have kicked you in the balls because you would obviously have been a crazy person who intended to do me great bodily harm. Sickening. I plan to post more thoroughly on this later in the week, but right now I'm still pretty much speechless. In the meantime, this guy sums things up pretty well. Except, of course, he fails to mention the fact that to let Philip Rivers take the field again is to concede the season. He needs to be sat in the corner to think about what he's done for a while.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Big Sigh. And Here Goes Nothin'.

I've been dreading this post for days. That whole, "If you don't have something nice to say, blah blah bullshit" and whatnot, but I think I've figured out a way to sidestep that. Here we go:

Our boy Peyton is gonna light up that weak-ass San Diego secondary! Woo, fuck yeah! The only thing he has to worry about is with that handsy bitch Jammer on the bench this week, we'll being seeing a lot of that wheelsy Cromertie kid. 109 yard field goal(?) return? More like 109.99999 yards. No problem there, though, really, cause that douche bag Florence'll keep any drive from stalling with a strategically thrown head butt on the other side. Seriously bro, do all your opponents put money in a hat and send it to you before the season starts? What's your playoff rate? And don't get me started on this rookie white Safety bullshit even if he is the best you got and probably would just go ahead and drop the interception in the first place and forego the whole, should I run with it, how much time is on the clock, where's Troy Brown bullshit. John Lynch can jump on a pile with the best of them and Archuleta is collecting ridiculous money for doing reverse sit-ups on the bench. Yeah, white Safeties make Peyton all kinds of jittery.

Even if our boy Peyton the Manning were to go spontaneously blind before kick-off, no matter. did you see what the rook did to that busted San Diego D last week? 296 mothuh-fuckin' yards! That ain't no joke. Joseph Addai has a raging clue right now, if you know what I mean.

On the other side of the ball, please. They used to give us fits, but I think if we crowd the middle on first down we can contain LT for the day. That leaves the game in the hands of rookie QB, Philip Rivers. What? Not a rookie, you say? Get the fuck out of here! Bwahahahahahaha! Bob Sanders is drowning in tears of joy!

Seriously, though, their punter is tits. Colts 49, Dolts 13. Go Colts!!!

Pin that to the locker room wall.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Why Do I Bother...

...when The Brushback says it all?

Partly Doomy, With A Chance Of Gloom.

Still in a daze Monday morning, I predicted that we could still quite easily advance to the playoffs and even win a game in the heavily diluted AFC. Wow, you ever been so hungover that you're are obviously still drunk, because that was me. I actually forced myself to take a good, long look at the second half schedule (for some reaon the only schedule magnets on my fridge right now are for the 2004 and 2006 seasons. Happier regular season days, I suppose). What I saw did little to lift my spirits. In the second half we play six games against teams who have .500 or better records at this point in the season. Thus far, we are 0-4 against such opponents through our first eight games. Luis Castillo is gone for 6 weeks and it's pretty obvious he is missed in the run-stopping department. Our offense appears to be dead in the water and completely defenseless against the blitz up the middle as long as Hardwick is out. The only reason Adrian Peterson was able to run for league record 296 yards is that our offense was unable to take advantage of any opportunities that were handed to them. Exceptional field coverage in the first half? Squandered. Two "what should have been critical" fumbles in the second half? Squandered. I still believe Rivers can be the future at QB for this franchise , but when he's bad, he's terrible, and at some point you must pull him and try to light a spark. Turner will never do that. Of course, neither would have Schottenheimer so shut the fuck up before you even say it. I guess we know the answer to the big question now? Druther get run out of the playoffs in the first round or not even make it. At this point most of us are pretty much praying for the opportunity to get exposed again in an extra game. We could be lucky to go 6-10 at this point, and let me assure you that no one will be calling us the best team to miss the playoffs this year. Who'd of guessed we'd go from 14-2 and the best team on paper to this?

Monday, November 05, 2007

Hurray Football.

There’s a bright side. At least we don’t have to wait another week to find out what kind of a team we really are. We are a Craptastic Voyage through the intricate inner workings of Sucktown. I could’ve stayed home and wrote concerto if I had any idea how to or even what one of those was. Looks like Mexican for concert. I don’t even want to fire open the newspaper this morning as I’m not sure how to fire open my computer monitor, but more because I’m sure Nick Canepa already has a riveting column up about how Norv Turner and his coaching staff are unable to gel with their young quarterback, make adjustments or generally wield the assortment of offensive ass-kickery that Super GM AJ Smith has laid out before them. Then there’s some sort of John Wayne quote from AJ himself, like, “Well, Pilgrim, some heads are gonna roll. It’s time to shit or eat beef stew,” or whatever a cowboy says when he’s really just wondering whether Bill Cowher might keep him on as a ballboy scout next year.

We got demolished by a team with exactly one actual weapon and one of the worst pass defenses in the league. Joke’s on Peterson, though, because he has to look at that 296 in the record books for however long it takes before he finally breaks 300. Honestly, I really wouldn’t have minded at the end there if whoever the hell Brad Childress is had just let the kid run for four more yards. If AP has any kind of OCD he’ll rip his fingernails out over that one. Also, interesting to find out that apparently Luis Castillo made every single tackle for our defense before he was injured on Sunday, because I don't think we made any after he left. Although I did see AP slip on the turf a couple of times. Don't be so eager, kid, sometimes you just have to let the end zone come to you.

The scariest thing is this: There is so much suckery in the AFC right now that we could still very easily make it into the playoffs and actually win a game or even two before the eventual beating by the Colts or Pats. Then AJ could actually stand in front of the media and, with a straight face, say that this has been the most productive Charger team during his tenure while Canepa hides in the podium and reenacts a classic scene from Police Academy.

Without further adieu, I’d like to introduce a new feature I like to call, Things That Are Gay:


A Certain American Idol

Liberace (or, his corpse as the case may be)


The Bolts passing game.

Sorry, Philip, maybe it's not your fault you had to keep force feeding the ball to Vincent Jackson and maybe the Vikings were actually able to hide Antonio Gates in their back pocket, but you have regressed. And if you keep throwing the ball like it has bugs on it, I'm going to keep wondering how Billy Volek and Charlie Whitehurst look in practice.

Colts-Pats turned out to be "as advertised." Although it really seemed as though neither team wanted to pull out their entire bag of tricks before a probable January showdown, that game was as good as they get in the NFL. I think if the Colts had been a little more aggressive early on, they'd have won that game, and that was a huge surprise. So next week we get our shot at the Colts on primetime and here's a preview if you're interested:

Personally, I think I'll just go ahead and get whiskey drunk by 5:00 and see if I can't find the easiest girl in the bar and try to convince her let me take her home and mash my flaccid weiner against her labia for three hours. You know, something I can be proud of. Go Bolts?

Friday, November 02, 2007

Here Comes The Awesome Bowl!

An event like this only comes along every so often. Two unstoppable forces colliding on the gridiron at this point in the season, with major playoff implications. Both teams feature a juggernaut offense and a stalwart defense. Superstars light up the field on both sides of the ball. But the real question is, at the end of the day, whose leader is truly the best the game has to offer. Philip Rivers or Brooks Bollinger? Ha! I’m fucking hilarious. You totally did not see that coming. You were all, “I know, is Tom Brady actually a more gifted quarterback than Peyton Manning?” Like it’s some Highlander bullshit. There can be only one!!! I think Tom Brady is the Kurgen, cause he totally sexed up Connor McCloud’s bitch. But then maybe Peyton is the Kurgen, cause Belichek is a cocky shithead like Ramirez and I know that Tony Dungy is definitely not Ramirez because I don’t think he’s tolerant enough to date a Japanese girl ( I may be thinking of Herm Edwards here, but honestly, I can't tell those two apart). Tony Dungy is way more like that guy with the machine guns who tries to break up the Highlander party in the alley and ends up getting some Kurgen fury in the form of a sword through the gut.

I’m getting off point here.

Let’s talk about that Colts-Pats match-up this weekend, shall we? Everybody else is. I watched Inside the NFL for the first time this season the other night, and while I was far too drunk to take adequate notes and summarize it here, I was sober enough to realize that if I had taken notes they would have gone something like this: They talked about the Colts-Pats for 45 of their 60 minutes of programming. And you know what? It wasn’t enough. This is a big game. It really is arguably the biggest regular season match-up in the history of sport. Talk away, football pundits. You’re not going to tell me anything I don’t know, but that doesn’t mean it’s not interesting. I know the waitress at the new bar where we watch football is "made for television" hot, but that doesn’t mean we don’t yammer on about it ad nauseum week after week. And it does not get old. This match-up is world changing. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself this: When was the last time I rooted for either of these douchebags?

Yeah, that’s right. You and 75% of the country are fucking perplexed by trying to wrap their brain around that one. Tom Brady has basically fucking pulled a Ronald Miller.

From loveable underdog to raging douche bag in 6 years. It’s not a record, but it’s impressive. Sadly, however, I am in awe of this Patriots team. And you know you are too. We all want Peyton and Co. to knock them off of their high horse (partially because we know the Colts won’t hang around undefeated for long), but we all know that it probably isn’t going to happen. Sure, the Colts can score with anybody, but I just don’t see how they can stop the Pats. I don’t know for sure that anybody can. Who do you cover? At any given time the following people can hurt you: Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Dante Stallwarth, Jabar Gaffney, Ben Watson, Kevin Faulk, Laurence Malroney, and Mike fucking Vrabel. And don’t be surprised if Belichek throws Teddy Bruschi, Junior Seau or Matt Light into the mix. And if none of those 11 guys are open, well then Tom Brady will just tuck that ball into his chiseled abs and sashay into the end zone himself.

Of course, this team does have an Achilles heel if you ask me. I just don’t know if the Colts have the personnel to exploit it. You have to sell out on the pass rush. You have to get pressure early and you have to get to Brady.

You’re going to get burned, but you have to prepare for the fact that holding this team to twenty-something points is your best shot at victory, so a couple early scores is not a horrible thing. The thing is, Tom Brady, under pressure, seriously starts to look human behind center. He doesn’t get hit much, so when he does it is a total shock to the system. He starts to hurry the ball and make mistakes. He did it last year against the Bolts, and that’s where the most important part of the lesson comes into play. You have to keep applying pressure for the whole 60 minutes. You don’t have to necessarily get to him, but you have to look like you might. No dropping 7 guys back into coverage. No fucking prevent defense, he’ll eat you alive. Sadly, I just don’t believe the Colts have the pass rushing LBs to give that all-pro Patriots line fits. You know who does, though. The Chargers. That’s right, we didn’t show you nothin’ in week 2, cause we’re saving it all for glorious post-season payback! Suck it, bitches, the Red Sox are gay!!! Pats 41, Colts 31

As for our own match-up this week, I have this to say. Being born and raised til the age of 4 in Minnesota, it’s nice to see a player like Adrian Peterson come along and make the Vikings somewhat watchable again.

Also, Brooks Bollinger nearly destroyed the Chargers last time we played against him, and he would have if not for a dropped pass in the end zone at the end of the game. Still, Minnesota is a pretty bad team in a horrid conference, so we should handle them without much incident. Chargers 37, Vikings 9

Now for some sad news. Stacy Keibler is, like 6’ tall and I’m 5’8’ish. Do you have any idea how much money I’d have to have to make that worth her while. Weak.

Fuck it, Go Bolts!!!