Tuesday, October 31, 2006
First off, I humbly offer the picture above (Sorry, it looks dirtier than it is.) as an apology to those of you who stopped by yesterday to sample some random musings regarding the glorious Charger victory this Sunday past. Well, I don’t know about you, but when my team wins its first regular season game against an opponent with a winning record, my friends and I, naturally, head straight to the nearest Hustler strip club to celebrate in style. If that is not the case with you, you might want to consider packing up your bagina and heading off to the convent because you are a sexless woman and you carry a little dog around in you purse. Also, you have no business attempting to entertain yourself with football when you could easily be huffing paint or thumbing through pop-up books for entertainment. So, we drank all the booze. All of it. And at that point, I’ve been pretty much worthless for about thirty-six hours as far as coherent thought goes.
Sunday was truly a sweet day in Charger land. Not only did The Best Ever have the kind of signature day that makes everyone in the sporting world say, “Seriously, I was totally kidding about the Michael Turner thing,” but me and mine were treated to the sight of the ever growing pandemic of Bronco fans crying in their ridiculous Miller High Life-in-a-pitcher contraptions as their team choked away victory to “He of a woman’s name” Manning. Typically, I would never root for Peyton Place, but he is like the Riddler to my Batman, and the Broncos and their fans are definitely the Joker these days.
Truthfully, I don’t really recall watching a great deal of this game. We missed the first six minutes or so, because back-up bartender was not so on the ball. Score’s already 7-0 Bolts by the time we know what’s going on. Then regular bartender calls the bar and sends us shots from the other side of the country and we’re off to the races. TBE stiff arms helmets off on the way to the end zone and by this point things seem to be in hand and the attention starts to shift to the aforementioned horse fight on the next screen over. Don’t get me wrong, I saw TBE’s next TD on a sweet pass by Young Man Rivers. I saw Merriman secure his four game suspension by plowing through the Rams O-line in a very enhanced type manner. Just kidding, buddy, you’re well on your way to getting that nickname back, but you’re still going to have to put up with some shit for a while.
Then it was off to the strip club where the stories become much less clear. The things that all who were there can agree upon is that a good time was had, the Chargers are great and those cabbies out there must be rich now, cause nobody was fit to decipher the intricacies of currency by the end of the night. Go Bolts!!!
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Holy good fucking Christ the last couple of days have been strange. Let's sum it up Quick Hits style...
-The Cardinals(!) won the world series and I don't know what to say about that.
-While watching "Rookie of the Year" this morning, I saw a terrific acting performance by a pre-Merriman Barry Bonds striking out agains a 12 year old kid. By terrific acting performance, I mean, dramatic shot of Bonds pre-horse testosterone at 180 pounds.
-The aforementioned Shawne Merriman will play the next two weeks in anticipation of his appeal decision for shooting horse semen into his buttocks. Hopefully, there are advisors that will guide him in the direction of dropping the appeal so that he doesn't miss both games against the choking donkeys.
-I have officially mailed in my performance as a gambler this footballing season. My wallet is hemmorrhaging green as I sit comfortably in dead last place of my pool. Damn your spreads Las Vegas. Damn your spreads.
-If you haven't done so yet, please go here.
-We may or may not be in the stands for this weekend's contest with the St. Louis Rams. Damn you ticket lady for refusing to sell me your tickets at your asking price and try to force me into a bidding war. I hope someone leaves gonorrhea on your seats you bitch.
-We have been spared the sight of Shawne Merriman's balls due to Maryland's victory over North Carolina State last weekend. Apparently Mr. Rivers and Mr. Dyanabol had a bet last weekend with a pair of dolphin shorts bearing the insignia of NC State should Maryland lose. They didn't. Thankfully we will not have to bear witness as to whether or not steroids really do make your balls into raisins.
-Bruce Bochy is gone. After a dozen years the team decided to make a change at the top of the management tree. I am a bit confused as to how I feel about this. I guess change is good, but, there had better be some plan in place to bring a top tier coach in and to spend our significant free dollars on a top quality player who can perhaps drive in 100 runs and hit 30 home runs. Dammit.
-A message to all of the girls this weekend... Slut it up like professionals for the Halloween festival this weekend. Get it right dammit...
Happy Slutting Day all...
Friday, October 27, 2006
You try to tell me you don't love Yahoo! image search when that is the first picture that pops up when you merely type in the word "pick." Yeah, pick.
Now, cue crazy NFL picks show music, because the time is once again upon us to make concrete that which runs through my super fantastic (I would have said fantastical, but fuck Dane Cook, he steals his material.) Brain (Auto edit told me to capitalize brain; it must have known I was talking about mine). As I’m sure you noticed I got nearly half my picks right last week so I assume you believers out there are rich, like a million times over. For those of you who chose not to believe, fear not, I hold no grudge. Feel free to right your previous wrongs. Go ahead and gamble in thousand dollar increments on the bounty of picks below.
Jax @ Philly
I gotta tell you, my sheet says the Eggles are giving 6 and I don’t think that’s nearly enough. Then again, this is Jerksonville, so you never know what’s going to happen. Unless you are me.
Eggles 24, Jags 13
Tennessee @ Houston
This is how little respect Vegas gives the Jags; the Texans are 3 point dogs to the freaking Titans after clobbering Jerksonville last week. At home! Wali Lundy is pissed. Whatever that means.
Texans 34, Titans 17
Hotlanta @ Cincinnati
Cincy by 4.5. I can live with that. No way Vick throws 4 TDs again. More like 4 INTs. Seriously, the Bengals DBs are like WRs. It’s annoying cause we have to play them. Go to hell Bengals. In three weeks.
Bengals 27, Vicks 20
Tampa @ New York vaGiants
The vaGiants appear to be the class of the NFC East, which a lot like being the best horse semen collecter in the bizz. It’s nothing to brag about. Still, they’ve earned their 9 points of dominance here, and as much as Tampa has looked less sucky than they are lately…
vaGiants 31, Bucs 20
Frisco @ Chicago
I really hate spreads as obscene as 16.5. Just don’t like it in this day and age of football parity (Stupid word). Everybody thinks the Bears O is going to come out and prove something after that crappy Arizona outing. I think all they prove is that they kind of suck after all. Just not enough.
Bears 21, Niners 10
Arizona @ Green Bay
The Packers are only giving 3.5 in this one. Jump all over that. I’ve told you before, Favre handles bad teams. Especially at Lambeau.
Packers 35, Cards 23
Seattle @ KC
No QB? No RB? Sounds like KC by 6 is a pretty safe bet. Seneca Wallce will throw three TDs for the Chiefs this week.
Chiefs 28, Hawks 13
Baltimore @ New Orleans
If Drew Brees can’t hang up 30 on the Ravens’ overratedness I’ll eat my Charger hat, if I can find it. Seriously, if any of you have seen my Charger hat, leave your contact info in the comments section, cause I totally miss it. New Orleans by 2? More like…
Saints 30 (Exactly 30, eat your own hat.), Ravens 12
St. Louis @ San Diego
I hate this spread. The Chargers are 8.5 point faves. I hope none of the players saw that, because they may not even bother to show up then. You better not fuck this up Bolts. You better go out there and smack them around. But I know you’re not covering that spread. Bitches.
Chargers 35, Rams 31
Pitt @ Oakland
Poor Oakland. They get all happy against the Cardinals, only to get slapped around by Charlie Batch. You hear that Raiders, you are Charlie Batch’s bitch to the tune of 9 points!
Steelers 24, Raiders 9 (It feels like I pick them to score 9 every week. Can someone go back and check?)
New York Jets @ Cleveland
What kind of bizarre universe has the Jets as 1.5 dogs to the Browns? Bet the family business and your late Great Grandfather’s log cabin on this one. I’m not kidding; Sell your soul if you need cash for this one.
Jets 28, Browns 17 (The last Browns TD comes late. Don’t worry, it’s not even this close.)
Indianapolis @ Denver
Watch Denver’s defense completely shit themselves when they realize their opponent intends to actually attempt to use their offense. And succeeds! Seriously, I don’t care if they’re playing in Mile High or John Elways freaking living room, there’s no way the Broncos should be 3 point favorites here. Jake Plummer’s reign is over by halftime when Denver has to try desperately to get back into this game. They don’t, by the way.
Colts 34, Broncos 20
Cowgirls @ Carolina
Hey, let’s let Tony Romo get his first start ever against the Carolina Panthers on the road. And let’s see how far we can shove this screwdriver up our nose while we’re at it. Yeah, I think the Panthers can handle 5.5 here.
Panthers 34, Cowgirls 21
New England @ Minnesota
I really don’t want to pick New England here, but everybody keeps saying how freaking quietly fantastic they are. Also, their 2.5 favoriteness fits very snugly within my theory that they win or lose every game by a field goal. I hate you Pretty Boy Quarterbacking Club!
Patriots 20, ViQueens 17
Done. Some of you may be looking at those numbers and thinking, “Hey, those numbers are wrong.” Well, those are the numbers I’ve got on my pick’em sheet, so fuck you get your own sheet and do your own picks if you’re such hot shit! Yeah, I didn’t think so. Now go gamble already. Vegas is sad.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Which is why I intend to marry Ivanka Trump and her glorious new fake breasts so I can buy the team. But that's not what I'm talking about here.
I’m throwing you all a curve ball today and doing my Inside the Disgusting Festering Boil That is the NFL a day earlier than usual. In fact, I will be moving this feature to Thursday permanently, except for when I still do it on Friday. It all really depends on whether I go out drinking on Wednesday. That probably won’t be very often, because I’m one of those people who watches Lost religiously, but fears technology so much that I refuse to break down and get Tivo or DVR. Seriously, though, I have to believe Tivo is the most pathetic tech on Earth, because, like, it’s TV people. Oh, and Lost is dangerously close to being cut at this point, because I’m pretty sure the writers have no idea where the show is going and just figure to keep up the What The Fuck(?) factor until everybody gets sick of it and stops watching so the network cancels it. Then the writers say, “Oh, too bad, we had a totally rockin’ finale planned. Maybe we’ll make a movie.” That drags on for five years or so, cause they can’t get the gang back together when the guy who died in season one won’t commit and he’s super integral to the whole thing. Oh well, I guess we’re all screwed. What the hell was I supposed to be talking about? Right, INFL. Trust me, half way through this post you’ll be asking me to go back and explain why Tivo is lame, cause this shit is dull.
Right off the bat, Costas warns us that this is the week kickers take the center stage. Double Espresso anyone? This is your last chance, cause remember, there are no commercials. We’re also going to get into the Cowgirls QB sitch and Tiki Barber’s retirement. I’m shaking with anticipation.
The Boys start out by talking to about the Cowgirls and the concensus here is that Parcells has pretty much screwed up this team by putting together a shit O-line even though Jerry Jones is willing to pay anybody anything. So, it’s come to the point where Bledsoe gives them no chance to got to the Superbowl, so it’s time to go to Tony Romo. Then , and I kid you not, Collinsworth says Tony Romo also has no chance of taking this team to the Superbowl, but he might not not take them so there’s you’re play. And that, people, ain’t not funny.
On to the highlights:
The Steelers go to the Falcons for game between two teams that should have been good, started out good, but aren’t that good, make each other look astounding but aren’t going to even sniff the post season, let alone the Superbowl. Fuck you, Grammar Police! Big Ben is hurt again and I’m going to go ahead and set my watch to it, because he is going to be the Ken Griffey Jr. of football. I mean it. Also, this was your first craaazy kicker game, where Atlanta wins it on a field goal after four attempts with two kickers, both of which made one, but there were penalties or something and then they sent in a lefty cuse the pitcher was a righty or something. None of this shit makes any sense to me at all.
Vikings @ Seahawks
Brad Childress looks like the guy with the mouse in The Green Mile (Don’t know what I’m talking about? Look it up.)and I don’t know how this guy can inspire confidence in anybody. But the Vikings D is bad ass, and Brad Johnson beat up the Hawks. Maybe the Cowboys should go after Johnson in the off-season, or at least Mewelde Moore. The Hawks should have gone after the other Hasselbeck brother before the trade deadline cause the team is going to have to rely on Seneca Wallace of the more INTs than TDs in college fame for the next couple of weeks and the Superbowl loser curse lives!
The Round Table hits a few topics. They talk about how Seneca Wallace sucks. Got it. They talk about Vick’s game and Marino says what we’re all thinking and tells Vick to show us that a few dozen more times and maybe we’ll all start to believe. They all praise some guy called Damon Huard, and I’m sorry but the name does not ring a bell. Everybody’s pretty sure Billick will get fired if he doesn’t go to the playoffs after firing Fassel, and if you just woke up from your coma you still probably knew that. Then the guys pick three games that have to do with the above topics but there was no graphic so I totally missed what they said. Sue me.
On to our first, and hopefully last, SIS of the week. It comes during the Eggles at Bucs game, where we learn that Gene Deckerhoff(?) has been the voice of the Eggles and the Seminoles for about a half a century and he’s a fan. That’s it. There’s your SIS. Gripping. Hey all you fans of the teams that didn’t make the highlight reel this week, INFL says fuck you, meet Gene Deckerhoff! This was another big kicker game wher Matt Bryant makes a 62 yarder to win the game. Do they test kickers for Steroids? Just asking. The Eggles have lost three games this season at the last second, and I have to wonder; If they played the Chargers, would the Universe implode?
Round Table says the Eggles are having trouble closing out games, but they’ll beat the Jags, who are going the other way. No shit, the Jags are going the other way. Byron Leftwich? Are you kidding me?
No Tear Jerker this week. Instead, we have the boring, Day in the Life of Tiki Barber Story. I swear Tiki announced his retirement just to get spots like this and “grow the brand.” Safety dance! So Tiki does all this PR stuff and motivational stuff. He hangs with his kids. He’s great with the fans and goes to a charity dinner where Bill Clinton speaks. He finishes it all off with cocktails, cause hey, he’s an average Joe, just like you and me. You can’t help but just really like Tiki, and that totally makes me hate him.
Peter King is here!!!
King talks about Tiki with the glow of a schoolgirl and assures the world that Tiki will, in fact, retire after this year cause he wants to be a media Superman. Seriously, did you know Tiki does some show called Fox Friends in the Morning, and he actually gets to talk about Kim Jong Il and nuclear payloads? Fuck you Tiki! Carry the football for 1500 yards and 0 TDs thank you very much. Ass.
Apparently Shawn Merriman tested positive for some sort of steroid and I can’t believe the San Diego media hasn’t heard about it yet.
Then they start to talk about the flex schedule, so I go to the bathroom cause that shit perplexes me like the controller for the new Nintendo console. You know, the one where you have to flail your arms around like an idiot and it sucks cause you’re playing video games so you’re probably already drunk?
Bolts @ Chiefs
I find it interesting that the 4-2 Chargers have been featured in highlights on this shit festival three times now, and two have been after their losses. Thanks guys, if aliens are catching these broadcasts, they think the Chargers suck. I don’t really watch the clips here cause they’ve been dancing through my head for three days at this point. Gay. Up you butt, gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
Skins @ Colts
Washington’s D is officially for shit. I have to admit, though, this was a game for a whole half. Then Manning went all Manning on the Skins in the second half when he remembered that he has thrown more TDs to Marvin Harrison than anybody has ever thrown TDs to anybody ever.
Retard Face-off! Yay!
This week the face-off is between Collinsworth and Carter, and it scares me cause I worry that Danster might have something really scary up his sleeve for later in the program.
1) Will Nick Saban end up like Spurrier. Both idiots say no, but then Worthless goes on about how Saban came in with an NFL system while Spurrier was a straight up college system guy. Then Costas nails him with the stat that says that Saban and Spurrier have the same record after however many games and Chris backpedals, saying that Saban needs to bring that team together or he could be in trouble. Waffles anyone?
2) Who will be the next veteran QB to get benched? Collinsworth says Leftwich and the quiet Steven A. is surprised. He goes with Brunell and I’d agree except for the fact that Gibbs has given up and is flipping through next season’s NASCAR schedule as we speak.
3) Was Merriman’s supplement tainted? Really? That’s your question? Collinsworth says he believes in the Eater Bunny, Santa and political honesty as much as he believes the supplement was tainted and fuck you Colinsworth, I cracked a smile.
4) Worst coaching meltdown? I don’t recall Carter’s boring answer, but it probably had to do with blowing out his hip flexor. Chrissy says something about a Sam Wyche strip tease and Paul Brown dressed as a pimp, and now I think I know why he took Dan’s place in the segment this week.
Our second SIS of the week comes during the Broncos @ Browns game.
The Browns defensive line is back to seek vengeance, which to me is a lot like seeking vengeance on that fourth grade bully who beat you up but now lives in the trailer park taking work cleaning out septic tanks when he can get it. Broncos O blows up with 17 points in this game.
Round Tables picks the Broncs vs. Colts. Everybody but Carter thinks the Colts take this one cause they actually have an offense, unlike Denver’s previous opponents. Carter thinks Plummer will inexplicably step it up against the Colts. He says it’s because the Colts D sucks, but still…inexplicably.
Jags @ Texans
What did I tell you about the Jaguars? You do not know what they will do on any given Sunday. Flip a coin in your pick’em pool. Do I look like I’m kidding?
Panthers @ Bengals
The battle of the big cats. Rowr! Here are two teams that look pretty much good enough to lose in the playoffs. Right on, guys. Steve Smith really should represent the the NFC in the Superbowl, though. The rest of that team is just dragging him down.
Cowgirls vs. Panthers. Seriously, even these guys aren’t stupid enough to call this game wrong.
Vikings vs. Patriots. Collinsworth says he likes the Vikings D and uses the word underrated for the first time ever to describe something within the world of sports. Everybody else thinks he’s crazy.
We finish up the program with a new segment. Yay, new segment!!! This one is called, excitingly, Say Something. This is where the Foolsome Foursome each leave us with a parting thought or opinion, presumably football related.
Costas says the overtime procedure is ridiculous and then desperately tries to compare it to instant replay. Needless to say, his rant leaves me dumb-founded.
The Quiet Steven A. says Mike Vick will play like “Mike” Marino for the rest of the season. I don’t know who this Mike Marino character is, but I think it’s safe to assume he’s a shitty quarterback who will not be in the playoffs.
Marino says the Steelers will claw there way back from 2-4 and win the division. I know he’s wrong, but I find it impossible to argue with the assessment. Effing Steelers.
Collinsworth says losing Hutchinson killed the Seahawks and their season is pretty much over. I’d give him props for the insight, but I called that in the preseason. Cause I’m better than him, get it?
That’s it. Looks like I can go out drinking tonight. Woo hoo!
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
In a world where politicians go on and on about the lack of family values and old world parenting, it amazes me how much actual over-parenting we have in the U.S. Now, I could bitch for days about the kind of super protective folks that worry to much about the psychological ramifications of a game of tag or whether their child is too retarded to get their dome out of the way of a speeding tetherball, but you know I really want to talk about this douche bag who pulled a gun out at a pop-warner football game. Effing Sports parents.
Sports parenting has been a problem for a long time, at least since the original Bad News Bears came out, but it has reached epic levels of Oh My God Are You Fucking Serious He Killed That Guy? You know, the one where the two hockey dads got into it resulting with one of them getting his head bounced off of the floor of the Family Fun Center until it stopped going? Instead of showing parents that maybe it’s time to step back and take a look at the way they are approaching youth sports, this little incident merely escalated the battle. Why? Because the dead dad was about one third the size of the other guy. Depending on which account you believe, little dad was actually getting in the face of big dad, basically daring him to assert his extra 200 lbs. on the situation. Now, I understand the importance of looking strong and macho in front of your kids, but you may want to think about how macho you’ll look in a coma or a casket. It’s just a sad fact of life that some people grow up big, and others grow up less big. Being a smallish dude myself, I’m more than aware that if The Rock wants my lunch money, I’m gonna ultimately have to give it up to him. I’m certainly not going to intimidate him. I mean, I’m not a total wuss, I’ll argue with him right up until about the time I can tell he’s going to KILL me. Then I shall succumb, and I don’t think most people would fault me. Except women, but if you honestly live your life the way women think you should, you are probably already dead and reading this from the grave. The point really is, though, that if you want to show your kid what it is to be a man, show them how to walk away from an unwinnable situation. Show them how to pick smart battles, and most importantly, to use their mind before resorting to brawn, because nobody needs to get hurt over a game. You know, except the players, cause sports are brutal.
This all brings us to the guy who pulled a gun on his kid’s football coach because he felt the kid wasn’t getting enough playing time. No, it wasn’t Archie Manning, this was a football game for 6 and 7 year-olds. This guy apparently learned an entirely different lesson from the hockey dads. What he took away from that story was, “You might get into a youth sports altercation with someone bigger than you, so you better arm yourself to better get your point across.” I blame video games. Just kidding, I blame professional sports and the lottery that they’ve become. With the inflated salaries of the NFL, NBA and MLB you might have hit the jackpot if your kid has a rocket arm or is freakishly tall. You ask any parent out there if they think pro salaries are too high, and they’ll tell you it’s true, right up until their kid hits his first home run, or throws his first touchdown. Everybody loves their kids, but parents are living a bit too vicariously through them these days. Soccer Moms and Football Dads are the new Stage Mothers. Overbearing, in your face. They don’t have enough time to actually be the coach, but they can show up each week and question the parent who does. Teaching kids to question the authority of their coaches in youth sports is the first step in breaking down the respect for authority everywhere. It’s telling your kid that kicking and screaming will get them their way. It’s what leads to a drama queen like TO, or worse, morally corrupt young men like the ones who play for Cincinnati and San Diego. There are so many amazing lessons that’s sports can teach your children if you’ll let them. So, try and step back and enjoy the show, because there are worse things than having to show your child how to be a gracious loser.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Scandals involving Scarlett Johansson.
Things that are not: Scandals involving pills and probably backne.
Merriman will appeal his suspension on the grounds that he believes a supplement that he took did not list a form of steroid on the bottle. He and his lawyer claim the company that makes the supplement was trying to give its product a boost in order to increase sales. Supposedly, there are other people who feel that this sort of thing goes down as well, but truthfully it doesn't matter because the NFL has an approved list of supplements to take and this one wasn't on it, apparently. Even if it were, there is no way Merriman wins this case. The NFL has said pretty much all along that it doesn't really care how the steroids get in your system, if you test positive you get a suspension. Still, this appeal is a genius move for two reasons right now:
One, this means that Merriman will likely be on the field for at least one and probably two more games. That makes it a good possibility that that by the time he is forced to sit out, we will have Shaun Phillips and/or Igor Olshansky back from injury. That's huge, cause it's likely we can handle filling two starting spots on defense, but it becomes much more difficult to cover three.
Two, it gives fans the opportunity to believe he didn't knowingly take steroids, al la Barry Bonds. Also, Terrell Owens didn't try to kill himself cause he totally denied that too. And Tom Cruise has never had sex with a man or been to another planet.
Here's one funny little take, though. Say that they actually go out and test this supplement and it shows up that it did indeed have traces of a form of steroids in it. What then? Merriman will surely still serve his suspension, but does the government finally step in and put the FDA in charge of supplements and herbal remedies and such? Would that be a good thing? Just a little food for thought. Go Bolts!!!
Monday, October 23, 2006
To say that Sunday was disappointing is understating what happened yesterday afternoon. You see, I have felt good about this team. Very damned good. Good enough to see the potential of the squad and compare it to what I have seen from the proverbial frontrunners of the NFL through week 6. Now, it should be pretty clear that I tend to be rather conservative with my belief in my football team. A quick jaunt through the archives over the weekend confirmed this. But I feel as if my tone around here has changed this season. I believe in this team, I've seen what the Monsters on Defense can do. I've seen and heard the auditory fellatio that the "experts" were bestowing on the frontrunners this season. I saw nothing from those teams that would lead me to believe we can't compete with them. I've talked this team up to some San Diego ex-pats who now reside in Texas and still try to root for our club (an impossible task in Texas.). The Superbowl didn't seem that far fetched watching this squad. Now, I sit here feeling betrayed by everyone who put on that damned awesome uniform on Sunday.
Get to the point asshole! I know that's what you are thinking, and in my round about way I'm gettin' there, be patient. Thursday I entered what I will call a "discussion" about the Chargers with a rival fan. Who am I kidding, I was talking to a Donkey Apologist and broke his will. How can you not when you can say to someone like that, "Uhh, okay, in what way do you match up with us competitively?" Let's list it just for kicks:
-Running Back= Advantage Chargers
-Quarterback= Advantage Chargers
-Tight End= Advantage Chargers
-Receivers= Advantage Chargers
-Defense= Called it a push just to make a concession
-Schedule to date= Push as well
After dismantling the obviously ignorant, uneducated, illogical, and quite odiferous Donkey slug, I felt good. Unfortunately for me, the Bolts, and the coaches failed to adequately march into Kansas City prepared, and let the only two elements of a failing football team (Coached by FUCKING Herm Edwards) school us for an entire half of football, then survive our desperation that arrived too little too fucking late and finish us off. How the hell am I supposed to defend these guys now that they showed the world that they were collectively menstrating Sunday afternoon.
This was a failure. Coaching, preparation and execution were non-existent. That was no Superbowl team. That was a fucking joke. And dammit if I'm a bit pissed off by that. Dammit if I'm pissed off that we are not in first place, dammit if I'm pissed off that EVERYONE in the division won yesterday. Dammit if I realized we don't have a killer instinct. And dammit, that once again, for the third year in a row, we have to make excuses about the team. "Oh, it's okay, we're still 4-2 and we just have to do better." Fuck that. "Oh, well, it's Arrowhead, it's hard to go there and win." Fuck that too. We should be 6-0. We should be in first place. We should walk away with this division. But, yet again, we aren't. It's not the schedule this year, and it's not the young quarterback, and it's not okay that we have to claw our way back into this thing. Why do we keep freakin' choking when it's on the damned line? Why? This reputation that we have perfected of repeatedly not getting the job done is a tired act. Here comes yet another season of excuses as to why we can't succeed. This cycle is total bloody maggot filled bullshit.
What happened yesterday was an absolute old fashioned ass kicking. The Chiefs told us to grab our ankles while they sodomized our football team with a splintered broomstick. Right now this is not a team to be proud of, there is no leadership from the players or the coaches. What's good about players having repeated altercations with the police, or drunk driving and getting yourself shot,stupidly getting arrested for drug dealing, and beating their "domestic partners". Oh, I guess there is this. What the hell is going on? No, really, what the hell is going on?
I'm not so sure that I can continue defending the prowess of this football team when confronted by the utterly mindless that support the other teams in this division. It's maddening.
Now that I have vented the thermoneuclear gas in my brain, a lighter finishing note...
This first one was an easy pick for me, because it not only displays a third grade level of Charger ridicule, but a total lack of football knowledge as well. Sweet. Before I drop it on you, let me put this gem in context so you can fully appreciate it. In week three, ShEli Manning had three touchdown tosses in the fourth quarter of a game against the Seahawks, making the final score much closer than the game actually was. The following Giants fan came in with much praise for young ShEli, at which point several Charger fans pointed that 3 TDs accrued in the fourth quarter against a team that has dropped into a prevent D with a 39 point lead is not as impressive as it may look in the box score. Here’s what Mr. vaGiant fan had to say this morning:
“Hmm….that’s funny. Rivers throws 2 TD’s in the second half of a game…while they were getting DUG OUT.
So when Philly Phil does it, Choker fans say it’s a good thing
When Eli The Man-ning does it, Dolt fans call it “garbage time stats”.
I’ll have to write that down. Thanks for the clarification.”
Short, sweet and utterly ridiculous. This gentleman can not discern between garbage time and bringing your team back to tie it up in the second half against a team that has not let up at all. Later, he tries to justify this by bringing up the vaGiants comeback against the Eagles. Too bad no one gave ShEli any shit over that game. But see, that’s typical. Bending the facts to make an argument that no one wants to hear. That’s a standard transplant move. I don’t even know why it surprises me. Oh wait, it doesn’t. Hope you enjoyed sharing in my misery. Go Bolts!!!
So, I’ve been sitting here all day wondering whether I should even bother to write anything about all of the bullshit that took place yesterday. I don’t really have any enlightened take on the game. I have nothing to share that hasn’t been shared. And what can I say about Shawne Merriman? I can think of a couple of things, so I might as well go ahead and share my thoughts on both.
For far too long, teams like the Chargers have been given a pass when playing on the road in Kansas City and Denver, and I have to call bullshit. We have a far better team than the opponent we faced yesterday and we went in unprepared with predictable results. Philip Rivers gets a lot of flack for yesterday’s game, and while you hate to see him take those two sacks at the end of the game, that is the unfortunate downside of having a young quarterback in his first year as a starter. The situation can be overwhelming. The thing is, he should rarely be put in that situation. It should never have been that close. We were handled on the lines on both sides of the ball and we inexplicably could not account for Larry Johnson and Tony Gonzales. How those two didn’t make the scouting reports is beyond me, but perhaps even more mind boggling is the fact that Eddie “I swear to God I’m a viable receiving threat” Kennison was able to haul in a TD. Just who exactly were we covering out there? Now, far be it from me to cry over a 4-2 start; Lord knows it could be a lot worse, but we are about to hit a make or break stretch here, and all of a sudden you have to wonder how we’ll fare. Only time will tell, I guess.
As far as the Merriman thing goes, I don’t even feel like bothering to discuss the predicament this puts our decimated front seven in. I won’t dwell on the fact that the four game suspension he will now serve includes games against three solid clubs in St. Louis, Cincinnati and Denver. No, instead I’m going to offer my apology to the city of San Francisco. I now get it. You can’t help but cheer for your heroes and refuse to see their faults, but deep down inside it must kill you to know the maybe there really are no good guys anymore. When Merriman returns, I will of course still be dazzled by his play and happy to see him wear the Bolts, but he will have to earn back his nickname. I’ll set Manimal aside for now.
It’s time for this team to learn what it’s truly made of. Go Bolts!!!
Sunday, October 22, 2006
We're running updates today all the game long. Go Bolts!! This is easy...
-Who knew Pocahants was ugly? Disney lied to me.
-Fumble by Tomlinson. Interception by Rivers. Fumble by Rivers. Great start leads to collective vomiting behind the couch.
-Did you know that the Chargers and Chiefs have their starters in the game? In the first quarter? The starters. I've been told this three times so far. Amazing that two professional football teams would use their starters in the first quarter. I'm shocked.
-I think we miss Igor the Horrible so far, as you know he's out with a 'knee'. His substitute badassness is Jaques. He has a holding penalty and an offside so far. It's still the first quarter. Awesome. Wait. I mean Fuck.
-Falling behind has eliminated any semblance of a game plan. The guys look lost. We've wasted all of our time outs, something that doesn't infuriate me at all. Can we just go to halftime right now?
-31 throws in the first half. I know we're behind but... well... SHIT!!!
-If we kick 6 field goals, and hold the Squaws to no more points we can win.
-The aforementioned field goals have to go through the uprights. Hitting them square doesn't count. SHIT!
-Hey hey!! We accomplished something successfully!! We got to the locker room for halftime without soiling our uniforms with feces!!
-Shannon Sharpe doesn't want to "Annoint Phillip Rivers the next anybody just yet." Marino sits there smugly and points to himself at which time Boomer Esiason says, "Hey, what about me?"
-Couldn't have a better kickoff to start the second half. Down 14 without the ball.
-3 and out and we have the ball. Third and short and Phillip, "uses all 230 pounds of himself to get the first down." I think he needed only 217 of them.
-McCardell gets it down to the 1, and Gates gets himself an uncontested, WIDE open touchdown. I mean, you should cover him you know? He's really a big guy, not really the type that can get lost in the fray. Unless of course you are a female indian footballing squad. This gets Phillip fired up in the best way. Looks like halftime helped out the cause. I love halftime.
-Apparently we aren't going to tackle Larry Johnson today. That's a good gameplan.
-Sam Kennison is going to have Shawne Merriman nightmares tonight. What?...he's dead?
-"Moose" Johnston. "You're seeing more pressures from the Chargers front four, which is unusual because they usually get the job done." What?
-89 yard drive by the Squaws and the lead is 14 again. Good thing the t.v. screen is bulletproof cause the 80 mile per hour flip flop did no damage to it. Okay, I exaggerated. 76 miles per hour.
-Inspiration works culminating an ugly drive with a Best Ever, Ladanian Touchdown, touchdown. Yeah, that make sense.
-4th quarter. Time to man up and handle your business team that isn't resembling our defense today. Get it together boys.
-The Chargers starting defense is again on the field. Again I'm shocked.
-What I said earlier about Larry Johnson applies to Tony "second fiddle" Gonzalez today as well.
-Jamal Williams can bench press 9000 pounds. Sammy Parker can attest to this fact. He thankfully can also drop first down passes as a result of Jamal's beatdown. We're getting the ball and the Squaws coverage units are begging for a touchdown.
-I think fair catches should be fucking outlawed. Fair catches officially suck shit.
-LET'S GO OFFENSE! LET'S GO OFFENSE! LET'S GO OFFENSE!
-I can't decide if I hate the announcers or the Man Law commercials more. Yes I can, it's the announcers by a nose.
-Neil Patrick Harris and Jane Seymour rolling around naked together on my television. That pushes the announcers to second on the daily hate list. I now need to disinfect my eyeballs.
-Big completion to Gates for a first down. The Squaws are challenging his prowess as a pass catcher. It's a completion from my vantage point.
-Instant Replay can go fuck itself. Right in that little booth. Punting is ass.
-8 Minutes to go. Defense? Oh Defense? How 'bout a little thing I'd like to call a turnover?
-Donnie Edwards is listening, only he couldn't catch the pig. Clock stops which is nice.
-SACK! FUMBLE! I AM THE FUCKING NOSTRADAMUS OF FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MARCUS HARRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! LUIS CASTILLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!!!!!!
-PASS INTERFERENCE!!!! Really weak call that I will relish completely.
-Ladanian Touchdown can't quite get in... wait for it...fade to Gates.... no good. Still waiting for it....................................................LADANIAN TOUCHDOWN PASS TO MANANAMMANNAMMANUULUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMAAAA!!!
WHY ARE WE YELLLLLLLINNNNNNGGGGG!!!!
-LET'S GO DEFENSE! LET'S GO DEFENSE! LET'S GO DEFENSE!
-It's the Larry Johnson show today. 3rd and 1 is a little issue here that needs to be addressed. Sammy Parker must die.
-Big time sack makes for a 3rd and 13 at the two minute bell. Somebody better let the guys know during this timeout that Tony Gonzalez is an option here and we should probably cover him. You know, like really cover him, pressure the Huard kid, you know? You know right? Right?
-I'm fucking Nostradamus again. Clinton Hart covered the second best tight end well and we're getting the ball back. We're going to have good field position of this I promise. FUCKING FAIR CATCHES!
-Apparently a guy in Tampa kicked a 62 yard field goal with no time left to beat the Iggles. That's pretty good.
-Rivers to Parker for a big gain to the 47. Hey Nate? Through the uprights. THROUGH the uprights.
-Screen to LTD picks up 8 and stops the clock. 2nd and long....Rivers can't find anyone and he's mobile like Drew Bledsoe. Gotta spend a timeout. Wonderful. Another sack. Just punt. Try to force overtime assholes.
-No one is covering Tony Gonzalez again. Squaws break the 50 with 18 seconds left. Gonzalez again to the 30 with 10 seconds to go. Nice work covering the former pro bowl tight end guys. We're letting the second best tight end beat us singlehandedly.
-Field Goal attempt from 48 and we're going to ice him. Glad they finally figured out that we're supposed to ice the other guys kicker and not our own.
-Kick is good, but looks like a false start and it is. My heart has not yet returned to a normal beating rhythm. I'm sweating and there's not even any porn on.
-Dickhead kicker drills it from 53. I hate kickers and tight ends and I hope they all piss themselves after celebrating a victory over our team. A victory over our team by the Squaws who are coached by Herm Edwards. Expletives won't even cut it here. FUCK! See. Didn't work.
-Since it's been a wonderfully woeful day here are my picks for the week...
-Eat ass Kansas City. Eat ass.
Friday, October 20, 2006
San Diego @ Kansas City
Hell yeah! Let’s get right to the good stuff!
Grudge Match: Schottenheimer vs. Gunther Cunningham. Gunther still runs that shitty team, right?
Chargers 45, Chiefs 16
Green Bay @ Miami
Grudge Match: Brett Favre vs. Retirement. He handles bad teams and the media suddenly believes he’s got two more good years in him.
Packers 27, Dolphins20
Detroit @ New York Jets
Grudge Match: If you can’t see it, I’m certainly not going to point it out to you.
Jets 24, Lions 17
Pitt @ Atlanta
Grudge Match: Both teams vs. That stupid tie they had last time they might, like four years ago. Who fucking ties in football?
Steelers 23, Falcons 14
Philly @ Tampa
Grudge Match: Andy Reid vs. John Gruden. Nobody likes John Gruden.
Eggles 34, Bucs 14
New England @ Buffalo
Grudge Match: Patriots vs. The World. No one gives them any respect since they didn’t win the Superbowl again last year. I think they’re a bunch of losers.
Patriots 17, Bills 15 That’s right. Field goals.
Jerksonville @ Houston
Grudge Match: Me vs. Jack Johnson. I freaking hate Jack Johnson.
Jags 24, Texans 21
Carolina @ Cincinnati
Grudge Match: Chad Johnson vs. Steve Smith. I can’t say it enough, people, they don’t play against each other. For the record, though, Smith is way better.
Panthers 28, Bengals 27
Denver @ Cleveland
Grudge Match: Denver’s D-line vs. Their old team. Get over it, you whiney bitches!
Broncos 8, Browns 3
Arizona @ Oakland
Grudge Match: Denny Green’s ineptitude vs. Oakland’s ineptitude. I’m betting this is the most interesting game of the day. Nah!
Cards 28, Raiders 13
Minnesota @ Seattle
Grudge Match: Poison Pill Hutch vs. Poison Pill Burleson. Sorry, they both seem to be sucking.
Grudge Match 2: Fred Smoot vs. The Seattle red light district. Everybody wins.
Vikes 20, Hawks 17
Washington @ Indy
Grudge Match: Indy’s will to win vs. Indy’s will to not look very good.
Colts 21, Skins 17
New York vaGiants @ Dallas
Grudge Match: None. These teams love each other.
vaGiants 37, Cowgirls 20
Wow. Those are some bad picks. Good luck.
Welcome to what seems like the umpteenth installment of Oh My God I can’t Believe I’m Watching This Shit Again. I hope I don’t let you down, but for the life of me I have no idea what happened on the show this week. Honestly, I was there. It was on. I was ridiculously sober, and almost nothing on the program permeated my skull. Fortunately, I have almost two whole years of college under my belt. So I’m proficient at taking notes on stuff I’m not paying attention to.
Apparently, we start out with the big Denny Green freak out. You’ve all seen it. You know, “The Bears are who we thought they were,” and all that jazz. Apparently they thought the Bears were a team that could humiliate them on national television. Danny loves the fire from Greeny (I call him Greeny cause we’re tight), and of course he would. Dan loudly blamed anyone in his field of vision for things that went wrong when he played. Collinsworth, obviously forgetting that Zona takes on the Raiders this Sunday, says the Cards aren’t good enough to beat anybody. Then they show the highlights and all I know is that I don’t seem to recall quite as much Superbowl Shuffle II talk this week as there was last week. Hmm.
Philly @ NO
If you would have told me before the start of the season that Drew Brees would be engineering two key 4th quarter drives to beat the Eagles, I would have been looking for Ashton Kutcher to jump out of the bushes. At which time I would have punched him in the face. See you in the Superbowl, Feel Good Story Of The Century. Ah, but I’m the only one who thinks so. Dan and Worthless think that while Brees gives Collinsworth a woody, the Saints likely won’t go far in the playoffs. It’s like these guys have never seen Ladybugs, Green Machine or even Little Giants.
Now comes the ultimate in stupid questions. Was it a mistake for the Dolphins to take Culpepper over Brees this offseason. You can make a million arguments either way, but the bottom line is yes, it was a mistake. Perhaps this will teach teams to leap into the future and scope things out before making such important decisions. Too bad it seems that no one has the time these days. Sigh.
vaGiants @ Falcons
Patrick Kerney is miked up. Whoever that is. I think he’s a defensive end, but he appears to be white, so I can’t tell for sure. Anyway all he does is grunt and groan a lot, with one jab at Eli that he totally apologizes for after the game and I’m thinking this guy is a sissy and the Falcons won’t even sniff the playoffs this year. A side note here, if you watch this, and I pray you don’t, notice that during the Vick and Co. clips NFL Films blasts some Flight of the Valkries meets Superman music, while as soon as they go to the Giants portion of the film, you’d think that ShEli was Darth Vader. Not that I’m complaining but ShEli as Vader? Well, he couldn’t be worse than Hayden Christiansen. That’s the last compliment you ever get, Manning.
Get ready, cause here’s the part where Cris Carter goes one on one with the Vickmeister. It’s awesome. I mean it, it’s the awesomest. That’s what my notes say anyway. The best part, by far is Carter narrating Vick highlights, very obviously writing his own copy. Not only does he narrate like a high school football star reciting Shakespeare, he throws in superfluous words like “basically.” Can you imagine Facenda saying, “blah blah blah, basically encouraging him to run…blah, blah, blah.” Okay, you had to be there, but I assure you it was probably funny. Anyway, Vick wants to throw more, and I can name at least 31 other teams that also want Vick to throw more. He also puts himself in the same category as Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and Donovan McNabb. I can’t even take notes when I’m rolling on the floor so I missed the rest. I do, vaguely remember something about how he daydreams about what he could do on a team like the Colts and I’m pretty sure Vick is a very popular guy in the Atlanta locker room right now.
Seattle @ St.Louis
How come nobody’s talking about this choke job? I swear I saw Hasslebeck running play action. To who?! Shaun Alexander’s not even playing right now. But, the Rams bite and that’s that. Finally, we can go back to realizing that the Hawks are going to win the Superbowl. Write it down.
Here comes Peter King, and I swear I don’t know why they trot this guy out there every week, because he has yet to say anything that anybody who pays any amount of attention to sports doesn’t already know. This weeks highlights include:
*The Department of Homeland Security says the bomb threats on NFL stadiums bare no credence.
*Tiki Barber is going to retire after this year and go into broadcasting, unless he changes his mind.
*Brian Billick and Jim Fassel were really good friends, but probably aren’t anymore since Billick threw Fassel under the bus, then actually drove the bus over him again and again.
*Moss was not traded.
*Marcus Vick has been activated (Side note here is that everybody thinks this is a big deal. I, personally think it might sell tix, but this guy is going to be such a non-factor.)
*Shaun Rogers was suspended for four games for taking a diet pill cause he’s a fat bastard and the world hates fat bastards.
Seriously, INFL, why not just go to commercial?
Dallas @ Houston
And here’s your SIS. You know you want it. This week it’s the big face-off between two rich Texan dickheads. Jerry Jones and Bob McNair. Jerry Jones starts out by saying he’s only ever teared up after two games in his life. The first one was some NFC championship game against the Niners, back when the NFC Championship was actually the Superbowl. The other was when the Cowboys lost their first game ever against the New Oilers. I say bullshit. Jones could not have possibly teared up after the second game, because by that time he had had so much work done on his mug that he no longer had tear ducts. Bob McNair brought Bush Sr. to this game as some kind of good luck charm, and the Texans got murdered, while simultaneously jerking off TOs ego. Next time get Clinton. There’s never been a luckier president.
Tennessee @ Washington
What the hell happened to Washington’s D this year? Let the Jason Campbell era begin, cause the Skins ain’t getting back into this thing. Sorry Brunell, but that’s what you get for making everybody look stupid by saying you were the next Steve Young.
The Round Table bats around the NFC East a bit and Marino, true to form, doesn’t appear to actually pick a winner. Carter picks the Eagles because of McNabb, and even though he’s right, I’m beginning to think Cris is the quiet Steven A. Smith. Collinsworth likes the Cowboys, because he inexplicably thinks TO is going to behave himself for the rest of the season. Apparently he missed the part where TO was upset that he got his three TDs in the second half. What a team player!
Dolphins @ Jets
Harrington is better than Culpepper, but not better enough. Don’t look now, but the Jets are 3-3 with their sights on that coveted best team not to make the playoffs trophy. Sorry boys, somebody in the AFC North might have something top say about that.
Retard Face-Off! Is that insensitive?
Are the Colts the best team in the NFL now that they picked up Booger McFarland from the Bucs? A lot of you probably think I’m going to jump all over the name Booger, but that would be childish. The fact is, Booger is as fine a defensive lineman as there has been in the league since John “Poopy” Parella. Anyway, Marino says the Colts would be the best if it weren’t for a little team called the freaking Chargers, and his cookie is in the mail. Carter says Denver and you don’t even want to know what’s coming Fed Ex for that guy.
Both Dan and Ass Hole Face say that Jason Campbell and Jay Cutler should stay on the bench because their teams are still in it, yet inexplicably Carter says he would put Romo in for Bledsoe right now. I guess in Carter’s world the Cowboys are out, but the Redskins, comin off a loss to the Titans mind you, are still very much in the thick of things. Go figure.
Is Holt the best receiver? Nope. It’s Marvin Harrison.
Because of the Troy Pupunu hair tackle, Chris asks the Dynamic Duo what the strangest tackle they remember was. Dan says the late Lyle Alzado threatened to make out with him. I guess Dan learned his lesson with the Daryll Talley thing. Don’t mess with the living. Carter, totally missing the tone of the question, recalls the time he blew out his hip flexor. I bet that was funny.
Picks? All but Costas take Carolina over Cincinnati and that is honestly the only interesting game they picked because the others are obvious blowouts.
There. We’re done. That wasn’t so painful, was it? There wasn't even a tear jerker of the week, praise Jesus! See you again next week, that’s a promise and a threat.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
The above is entitled "Angel of Discontent" and it totally frightens me. I hope I didn't just curse this blog and, like let the dead in or something. Sorry if I did.
Now for some bitching:
I’ve been doing my best not to pay any attention to what area sports columnist Nick Canepa has to say regarding my beloved Chargers. Those of you who have been visiting for a while know this is because I can not stomach his unnatural man love of Chargers GM and resident bad ass ball buster, A.J. Smith. Well, as my partner in crime, CJ, likes to stoke the fires of my discontent, he was unable to control himself when he came upon Canepa’s latest, and he fired it my way. Thanks, buddy.
Basically, the piece (of shit (Lowbrow, I know, but sue me)) is a big fawning statement about the glory of the Chargers thus far this season. Now, I can’t argue with that. I too feel that Philip Rivers may be some sort of super warrior developed by the military and tested on the football field. I also believe our front seven is the obvious answer to the trivia question, “What does God fear?” So far so good, Canepa. But then it happens. Old Nicki goes back to the well and starts slobbering all over A.J.’s “genius.”
I have a hard time faulting A.J. for much in as far as he has put together a solid-nay, fucking unbelievable-footballing squad, but I’ll be damned if this guy needs some drooling sycophant constantly reminding him of how pretty his shit smells. Karmically it’s just a bad idea. I mean we all know what happens here, right? We are dangerously close to a Drew Brees engineered game winning Superbowl drive here, Nico. So please, I’m begging you, keep you lips out of this man’s ass! Maybe this little tidbit will help. You know when you and A.J. go cruising town for ass but you ultimately just end up going home together? Well, you might think what happens next is making love, but I have it on good authority that A.J. tells all of his buddies down at the La Jolla Beach and Tennis Club that he’s just using your ass til something hotter comes along. I’m sorry you had to here it from me.
Honestly, though, Rivers is good. You got that right. Go Bolts!!!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
I leave this place for a couple of days to relish my propensity for picking games against the spread, and I miss teenage t.v. hookers and piss poor footballing action. I feel cheated dammit. Cheated I tell you!
Moving on, I caught a story today that has since been removed, related to our favorite Coronado Campus Patrolman. In that story, that has since been pulled, we learned that our Linebacker will miss the entire season due to, get this, “Gunshot Wounds.” Numerous stories still exist documenting the incident are still available. This ought to give Bill Simmons a kick when Al Michaels refers to Foley as “out with a gunshot.” Like it was someone out with a knee, as Al likes to explain things. Foley contends that the officer was trying to end his career. Good times.
I’d also like to revisit Monday night as I was triumphant with my Arizona pick for the evening. During the course of that game I was repeatedly forced to restrain myself from smashing my television Max Colossus style with a shovel as the Monday night trio continued to polish the Lombardi trophy for the Bears. Not so fast guys, it’s only week 6, oh, and the Cubs reside in the oh so superior NFC. Let’s try to avoid crowning Super Bowl Champs this early okay? Good, let’s move on…
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
Marty took away the boys Monday off this week as a result of a piss poor practice last Wednesday. Hopefully, he realizes what I already know, that this game should go by the wayside in that column of wins, but in Arrowhead, against a team that is wildly unpredictable, we still have to play this thing. Let’s all be cautious of that “Trap Game” that may be hiding just under the surface here. I’m confident, but let’s not get crazy here, and go out there and take care of business okay? Good, glad we’re all on the same page here.
I’ve been abysmal this year picking against the spread. I need to have a big week for the sake of my wallet, er, position in the season long pool. Suggestions are welcomed to help me correct my innumerable shortcomings for 2006. Gambling shortcomings you assholes.
And, well, just for kicks…
Time to review and prepare for the destruction of the “Squaws” will be ready by Friday.
Not in real life, I'm sure, but totally a TV whore.
Each week I'm going to try and come up with someone or some thing in the realm of football and/or the rest of the world that absolutely, positively must be axed. Whether it's a flagging QB, a particularly poreous defense or a footaballcentric episode of Smallville, I will be calling for it's return to the wild where it will never assault the senses again. And now for the easiest part of any coach's job...the cuts.
Kicking off The Cuts will be the small screen serialization of the big screen Billy Bob Thornton vehicle Friday Night Lights. All the flashy editing and blue screen shucking and jiving in the world can't save this garbage. I've given it three weeks now, and I have yet to find any real redeeming qualities. Ridiculous football, stock characters and some pretty poor dialogue abound.
The original movie claimed to be based on a true story, and if that is the case, you can bet the series is too. Mostly because every character, scene and pithy quote from the film is repeated somewhere in the first three episodes. Football ending injury to a star player? Check. Back-up player makes good in subbing for said injured player? Check. Quarterback stopped at the one to lose the game? You bet your ass! Crazy ass Texans threatening to run the coach out of town if the team doesn't win? You see where I'm going with this. I really hope Texas High School Football towns are really like this, cause you can never have enough reasons to laugh at Texas.
I don't make the big money being a network programmer, but if I did I might start by acquiring shows with at least one likeable character. I mean sure, you can't really get down on the paralyzed quarterback or his goofy, unsure back-up, but they're hardly register a blip anyway. Instead we're given the completely devoid of a personality coach, the overbearing parents, the loudmouth running back, slut #1 and secret slut #2. Who is secret slut #2? The paralyzed quarterback's girlfriend who stands by his side right up until the point where she screws around with his best friend. What the hell am I watching again? This has to be the WB. The best friend is the real joke here, though. He's a surly alcoholic who feels so bad about his buddy getting hurt that he can't even bring himself to visit him in the hospital, but not bad enough to avoid screwing said buddy's girlfriend. I'm confused. He shoots things from the back of a moving pick-up and wails endless empty beer cans into the ravine. This best friend character is the brooding tortured, Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites type that makes you realize that Friday Night Lights has a very specific demographic, and your average male viewer is not invited. It's all just standard. You get the feeling that if this thing makes it to a second season, pretty much everyone will have hooked up with everyone else a la Melrose Place.
This show might redeem itself if the football were good. Too bad it's not. So far, both games they've featured ended on a last second play. That makes for a pretty long season right there. You've got the formulaic bullshit of the coach taking his team out to doing sprints across a muddy river at midnight as a big motivator. As my buddy said, "I would tell my coach to lick my nuts." I'm going to tell this show to lick my nuts. By all means, though, check it out if your vagina seems so inclined.
Igor is going in to get his knee scoped today. Looks to be out 2 or 3 games. How glad are you that Edwards is still around? This defense is in danger of becoming depleted. Well, not really, but kind of. Whatever, just thought everybody'd like to know.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
She is so not buying it. Poor Cardinal Cheerleader.
*I haven't seen or heard any reports about this yet, so I just wanted to pass it along. The Arizona Cardinals blew 20 point lead to the Chicago Bears, who did not have a single offensive TD. Dennis Green apparently gave some sort of press conference where he said something that you may be able to find on www.youtube.com, but I don't have the time to look for it cause I'm sure it's totally buried since it is not a big deal at all. Oh, did I mention that Rex Grossman had 4 INTs and fumbled twice, further fueling the Brett Favre comarisons? I'm glad I only started him on two of my fantasy teams.
*I just want to say that Arizona was not my sleeper pick this year. I've fallen for that one before and I sure as hell wasn't going to do it again. In fact, i don't thinkI had a sleeper pick this year, except that it was Buffalo and I don't want to talk about it.
*The Titans are on the comeback trail and looking mighty powerful after a close on against the undefeated Colts followed by an upset of the Oh My God They Suck Redskins. Too bad, Skins, you can watch the Titans represent in the post season this year. Believe it!
*New Orleans continued to not be New Orleans on Sunday and I couldn't be happier for them except that New Orleans has a French Quarter and no matter how cool it may be, the French suck. All snobby and thinking they're better than me.
That's just some stuff I had on my mind. Feel free to suck on it.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Is your team going to the Superbowl this year? Great, I’ll see you there. My team is definitely going to be there. In all four of the Chargers wins this year the team has murdered the opposition, and yesterday’s beatdown/TBE festival was no exception. Honestly, if Schotty had shown the kind of confidence in Rivers in Baltimore that he has the last two weeks we would have hung 30 on the Ravens easy. Do you get it Drew Brees holdouts? Does it make sense? Drew Brees is a fine quarterback and he has certainly been doing good things out there in New Orleans, but Rivers has the chance to be great. You’ve never seen Brees as explosive and accurate as Rivers has been when given the opportunity.
Don’t tell me the following stat line doesn’t make you think Marty reads the papers:
Michael Turner, 1 carry, 0 yards. We are not a platooning outfit is what I’m guessing is the message there. Don’t worry Burner, we all know what you bring to the table, but the Spanoses pay TBE the big money, and you know it’s definitely a bottom line outfit in San Diego.
4 TDs for LaDainian and all I can think is, “Wait, TBE has never had 4 in a game before? Weird.”
The big guys strike again, with both First Down Gates and Big Vinny pulling in a TD yesterday (And TBE seriously had 4?). But let’s not lose sight of Eric Parker, who had 88 yards on 7 catches. He just does the job, and I’m sure A.J. loves that. Mark my words, people will be talking about the Chargers receiving corps by the three quarter point, and when was the last time that happened?
The defense had a couple of early hiccups, but really never let this game be close again after the first quarter. Another solid effort, but I still worry about what a team with a solid O-line and some downfield threats could do to us. Too bad there’s nobody on the schedule fitting that description. Rams? Bengals? Seahawks? Maybe, but I’m not scared. BTW, don’t our Bolts look a whole lot better after what Pitt did to KC yesterday? And don’t you think that if the Raiders were the third worst team in football, rather than the very worst, they could have beat up on Denver last night? I’m loving this division. Go Bolts!!!
Sunday, October 15, 2006
I'm posting the picks for the week, with the preface that this is a pool, not individual tickets for the week, so as some of the picks seem ludicrous, that's what I like to call 'stratumgy'. I've finished in fourth in this thing for three years now, which if you are keeping track, is the first one out of the money. So, essentially I am the best loser in this thing. Here are this week's gems...(Home team in CAPS)
The Arizona pick is primarily due to the fact that everyone has sewn their lips to the taints of the Bears. And 10.5 at home is nothing to sneeze at. Then again, it's Arizona... Gamble away fine friends. Go Bolts.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Since today is Katelyn's space, I'm not going to take it up with a bunch of bullshit, but ESPN can still be good for something. I just witnessed this gem:
"Who's to blame for the Raiders 0-2 start"
While debating the fact that they had no quarterback or offensive line and Randy Moss knows this and is willing to talk about it. Jerry Porter doesn't play and Art Shell can't think straight with that cap squeezing his head like that, and well, we all know Al Davis is dead, Scott Van Pelt comes up with this awesome:
"Maybe it's the fault of the crazy people that dress up like Muppets or something..."
It's even funnier cause it's so true...
This is Katelyn.
I know Katelyn, although I knew her as Katie. Last night, while celebrating Friday work being over, Katie sauntered up to my table with a fistful of Charger Girls calendars and dropped a bombshell on me.
"Don't I know you?" she says to me.
"Uh...uh....uh. Uhhhh." See what all that schoolin' gets you. Articulation my friends. That's what we call articulation.
"Yeah, I do know you. Do you remember me? It's me Katie!!"
"Uh. Uhhhhh. Uhhhhhh. Uh huh." Pure gold. I'm so smooth.
"I'm a Charger girl now. You still like the Chargers?"
"Uhhhhhhhhh. Mmmmm huh." How I do it is beyond me. Those are skills my friend, take notes.
"You want a calendar? I'll autograph my page for you...blah...blah... I'm really hot...blah...blah....school....work...dance...blah...blah...hot."*
"Uhhhh. Calendar? No. Uhhh. Hot. Yes." I was really surprised she didn't jump me right there.
I pulled it together, we caught up, she's still great. I love her.
So, I share this encounter with you out of love for all three of you. You deserve to meet Katelyn, get to know her, she's hot and nice, and dances and bounces her pom poms for our team with all of her gloriousness. The Niners don't stand a chance on Sunday against the best team in the NFL with her on our side.
You all can thank me later. Oh, her favorite quote:
"Faith sees the invisible, believes the unbelievable, and receives the impossible."
Yep. She's perfect.
*May or may not have been the conversation. It's tough to manage a Katelyn with three brain cells completely unprepared. I'll do better next time I swear. This is my commitment to all of you.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Another Charger girl wearing far too much. It's a crime.
So I dropped back into oblivion with last weeks picks, and at this point I don’t even know or care where I stand overall. Some of these ridiculously high spreads are killing me. Don’t you just get the feeling that this is the week that Arizona and Houston totally over achieve? Nah, me neither.
Cincy @ Tampa
Player of the game: Chris Henry. Even though he’s serving a suspension, he shivs Gradkowski in a bar fight Saturday night, forcing the Bucs to start Franklin the Towel Boy.
Bengals 31, Bucs13
New York vaGiants @ Atlanta
POG: Mike Vick. He throws two TDs. Unfortunately they’re to the Giants secondary.
Giants 24, Atlanta 21
Tennessee @ Washington
POG: Vince Young. Just for being the only interesting thing on the field for this game.
Redskins 38, Titans the usual 14.
Houston @ Dallas
POG: TO. He catches three TDs with his feet and people spend the next week praising him. See how he flips it, there?
Cowgirls 37, Texans 17
Carolina @ Baltimore
POG: Steve McNair. Check out that presence.
Panthers 24, Ravens 10
Buffalo @ Detroit
POG: Some receiver for Detroit, maybe? Or John Kitna? I don’t know, but they win.
Lions 20, Bills 17
Seattle @ St. Louis
POG: Orlando Pace. Is he playing this week? I think it’s him for sure if he’s playing.
Rams 28, Hawks 27
Philly @ New Orleans
POG: Reggie Bush. He’s totally rookie of the year. Too bad they lose.
Eggles 30, Saints 22
Miami @ New York Jets
POG: Culpepper. He keeps his team in the game by staying on the bench. Sadly, it’s not enough.
Jets 17, Dolphins 14
KC @ Pitt
POG: Big Ben. Come on, he totally needs it. Even if he sucks let’s give it to him.
Steelers 24, Chiefs 20*
San Diego Super Chargers @ Lame San Francisco, and by lame I mean gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
POG: Mike Scifres. So clutch. So unsung. He will somehow be the first punter to score two TDs in a game.
Bolts 38, 49ers 9
Oakland @ Denver
POG: Mike Shanahan. He will disguise himself as a player and go iron man style garnering praise for his exceptional performance on both sides of the ball. Man, this guy hates the Raiders.
Broncos 34, Raider 10
Chicago @ Arizona
POG: Chicago. Is this even fair?
Bears Like 50, Cards 4?
There. If you have any money left after last week I suggest that you bet the thirteen game exacta, if there is such a thing. Good luck, not that you’ll need it. Go Bolts!!!
* This prediction is wrong.
Oh God, I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. What is it, like week 6 and Inside the NFL Makes Me Miss My Slightly Less Evil Ex-Girlfriend is really beginning to take its toll. I tried watching half the Wednesday show and half the Thursday show to spread out the pain, but all I accomplished was ruining two whole days instead of just one. Better to take it all in one shot, like Castor Oil (WTF is Castor Oil anyway? I’ve only ever seen it on Tom & Jerry, but that damn cat hates it almost as much as I hate this crap festival, so I assume it’s an ample metaphor.). Lesson learned.
Right off the bat, INFL warns us that they will be featuring Drew Rosenhaus and I can’t afford to keep replacing TVs like this. They will also be hitting us with another Tear Jerker of the Week (TJW) that is again so loosely tied to football it makes my head spin.
The Round Table discussion starts off with the team discussing the undefeateds. The Colts have to be worried about their run D (which was never very good to begin with, but it didn’t matter cause teams don’t tend to run on you when you’re pounding them by 20 pts.). Fortunately the Colts have Peyton Manning, whose erection must be failing a bit since everyone is now focused on felating the other unbeaten team, the Chicago Bears. What is it, week 6 now? Well, guess what? Grossman might already be the second coming of Brett Favre and the ‘72 Dolphins might as well kill themselves because the Bears are only eleven straight victories away from obliterating that sad undefeated season. 14 games? Talk about having it easy. You suck, ‘72 Miami! The fellows then say something about the present day Dolphins, but it’s nothing I haven’t been saying since they signed the Staring Statue to be their field general.
Highlights? You want some freaking highlights?
Cowgirls @ Philly
TO is back and even chicks in frilly pink Eggles jerseys brought their batteries. You give him what for Philly. Too bad it just ends up giving the douche bag even more pub. Talk about your all time backfires. At least your team didn’t choke on it and let him take over the game at any point. Hey Cowgirls, Drew Bledsoe is your QB, you might want to stop people from assaulting him now and then.
Bucs @ Saints
Reggie Bush finally comes up with the big play and now every sports writer in the nation can breathe a big sigh of relief because rookie of the year is wrapped up.
Back to the Round Table. This show is getting so bad, they must be about a step away from replacing Costas with Burt Reynolds. Man law! This discussion is all about whether the Girls should bench Bledsoe in favor of Tony Romo, and now I’ve got a hankerin’ for some ribs. I know, everybody else in the world has used that one, but I think my delivery really hammers it home. The entire discussion is moot, because no matter who is back there for the Cowpies, they aren’t going to do squat unless they are somehow able to phase in and out of this dimension as 300 lbs. defensive linemen try to maul them. But what do I know? Maybe Romo can do that, and then won’t I have egg on my face?
Steelers @ Chargers
Here’s the problem with trying to put your highlight reel together while the game is being played. You have to go back and redub everywhere you said the Steelers controlled the game from start to finish and replace with something about how great Manimal is and how far the Steelers have fallen. Lot’s of good highlights for once, and I actually find myself giddy during INFL. Will wonders never cease?
The Brain Trust gets into a bit of Steelers discussion, and once again Collinsworth is the only one to make the solid point that the Steelers have lost to some good teams and nobody should count them out. I swear to God, you know this is INFLs swan song when Worthless continues to be the only person making sense.
TJW! TJW! TJW!
They lead into the TJW with a side note about how the NFL and Roger Goodell want to do more to internationalize the game. You know, rob fans of home games for their teams so the business can make a couple extra billions? The kids gotta eat, you heartless bastards. Anyway this story is about Chiefs DE Tamba Hali and his flight from W. Africa as a child. I don’t see the NFL putting any games in W. Africa anytime soon, but I’m sure you can see how it ties in anyway. Anyway, Hali had to leave his mother behind when he was ten and now he is able to bring her to the U.S. and it’s a big, happy story but it sucks and I don’t fucking want it on my damn highlights and analysis show! At least they got it right this time and aired this after a Chiefs victory.
Yay! Peter King is here to talk about off the field conduct. Blah blah blah, the fines don’t mean shit to guys who make millions, etc. The only interesting thing here is that Peter King loves to say Commissioner Roger Goodell as though Goodell went to fucking Commissioner school for eight years to earn the title. Peter is then asked if there’s any buzz on the trade deadline front and Peter says not much. You can bet all your favorite players will be playing for different teams by the time you finish reading this.
Ravens @ Denver
John Lynch is miked up for this and since I have to listen to him on the radio once a week because his dad runs the local station, I turn down my volume and put on my best cow stare for the next three minutes.
Jets @ Jags
Two teams that are going to baffle and annoy you all year. Seriously, if these guys played again today, the Jets might blow the Jags out 41-0.
Lions @ Vikes
Didn’t the Lions fire Mike Tice? So, just like Linehan has done with the Rams, Childress is proving that this is his Vikings team by neutering the offense. Even when these games seem exciting, they bore me to tears.
Question 1) Would you trade for Moss? This was the most wishy washy display I’ve seen all year from Dansterino and…uh…Crarter? Both pretty much say they would trade for Moss if he ended up working out. Okay, NFL GMs, consult your fortune tellers and make an offer.
Question2) Biggest disappointment? This one was awesome, cause on the graphic below the screen they show Daunte Culpepper and Caddy Williams. But the boys don’t bite. Crarter goes with the Giants DEs, Strahan and Usemainfpaoeya. Dantanarama says it’s TO. Collinsworth brings up Aaron Brooks and I’ve got to wonder how disappointing it is to do exactly what everybody said you were going to do.
Question 3) What’s wrong with Indy’s rush D? Corey Simon being out? Bob Sanders? Who cares? I just want to know where the big chucklehead question of the week is, but they don’t have one. Instead they let Daryl Talley get back at Dan for calling him ugly last week. Talley says the ugliest thing he ever saw was Marino try to scramble. I like Daryl Talley. He seems like a real round-around.
Raiders @ Frisco
Here’s your slow motion interview frenzy of the day. This time around, we get to listen to first time NFL head coach Mike Nolan. Every first timer should have at least one game against the Raiders so they too can have their very own slow motion interview frenzy on INFL.
Marino and Carter get together and pick the Panthers to beat the Ravens, even though I could swear Dan started out with the big fake that he was going to pick the Ravens. I can’t be sure because I started boozing it up a while back now. BTW, I’m getting a little tired of people saying that even though McNair’s numbers might actually be worse than Kyle Boller’s he has presence. Fuck your presence. Complete a pass in the first three quarters. Loser.
Redskins @ Giants
Are you ready? Are you ready for the big SIS this week? It’s fucking Drew Rosenhaus! You know, because he represents Shockey (who he refers to as a freak of nature, and I can't exactly argue with that) and Sean Taylor. It seems to me that Rosenhaus has been featured on this shitbox program before. Honestly, these jerk-offs sit around talking about player conduct ruining the game and in the same breath they feature the biggest ruiner of all? I swear every time this guys open his mouth I hate him more than I did ten seconds ago. And the Jerry Maguire schtick is getting ooooooooolllllllllddddddddd. I can only hope his clients see this and realize he actually represents other people. Sometimes even players on other teams! “You said you loved only me, Drew. We hugged.” He talks about the importance of knowing how his players did, so when he calls them they know he really cares. Then you see him asking his staff for stats. Come on Huggy, at least fire up NFL.com yourself. Drew and his army represent 70 different players and he has to keep his head on a swivel to follow all the action. I wish someone would put it on a tee. I hope the King drops your ass, butt face.
And that’s it. That’s all I got. Come back next week for more fun INFL coverage coverage. Assuming I haven’t hanged myself by then.
Suicide is not funny.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
I'm not sold on the secondary just yet, and I still think Schotty was a little bit more conservative last week than people seem to realize, but Manimal might just take us all the way regardless.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I have been sick and quite possibly in need of medical attention for the last couple of days so I decided not to post and I have been pleasantly surprised by the quality content that has shown up in my stead. At this point, however it's time for me to put up or shut up. Sorry if my following thoughts come out as fever-addled gibberish rather than the gospel you're all used to. Also, sorry to start off with the Padres, but they're on my mind.
So, San Diego managed to avoid laying a complete egg in the post-season (We took it to four, Cards! In your face!)while still managing to look abominable. The pitching was solid enough, as we knew it would be, but the batting was even worse than we could have imagined. I honestly fear we will sign Klesko to another extension with a no trade clause. Just kidding, sort of. Well, here we are, just a few days into our off-season and the rumor mill is already cranking out quality scoop. Here are the two biggest whisper-shouts going if you're a Padres fan. The hapless Cubs want Bochy in the worst way and the Padres are seriously considering taking a shot at A-Rod. First off, I would be amazed if this A-Rod thing came to fruition without the fans actually passing a hat around, cause you know the organization won't pick up that salary no matter how much money is coming off the books this year. That's just bad businees, people. Second, the only way the A-Rod thing works is if the first rumor comes to be as well. Can't you just imagine Bochy sitting A-Rod every third day and against left-handed pitchers? The San Diego sports collective's head would implode. Then explode.
I'm sorry I keep swatting Daunte Culpepper with this riding crop here, but does anyone in the world believe he sat on Sunday as a result of an injury? I know every major sports writer in the country has mentioned this already, but the difference between me and them is that I said Culpepper would suck all along, whereas most of them had him representing the AFC in the Superbowl. Send me your paychecks, retards!
Laurence Maroney rushed for 39 yards on Sunday against the crappy Dolphins, proving once and for all that Bill Belichek hates fantasy football just as much as Mike Shanahan. Shanahan still hates the Raiders more, though, while Belichek has no redeeming qualities I can think of.
I don't know about Diego Jimbone's vaGiants fan buddy and his statistics supercollider that comes up with the world's most accurate Power Rankings. I just know what the (QUOTE) experts (UNQUOTE) say, and since I'm pretty sure getting paid makes their (QUOTE) analysis (UNQUOTE) more important than what some ass hat in a ShEli Manning jersey (just to piss off Charger fans, by the way) has to say. Sadly, the pros paint a much less Bolt-friendly picture. Dr. Z has us ranked 8th. 6th in the AFC. Pete Prisco, who hates the Chargers BTW (but much less without Drew Brees, who apparently once ran over Pete's dog), has us at 9, also 6th in the AFC. Seems like we're getting badly penalized for losing a game to the Ravens, who everyone pretty much agrees are about the best team to ever take the field in the NFL, besides the Bears of course, who are getting the most amazing class action suck job I've ever seen. More importantly in regards to the Chargers, though, is exactly the point that Jimbone made before. Everybody is pretty much on board with the whole Pittsburgh sucks thing, rather than the Chargers made them suck thing which I prefer. I'm afraid it's going to be like this all year. We got mad praise for being 9-7 with our schedule last year, and we are going to be completely overlooked when we go 13-3 agains our schedule this year. Hell, even Peter King has us ranked 6th, and he freaking loves the Bolts.
No matter, we'll get the love and respect we deserve when we move to L.A. This small market San Diego stuff is bullshit. It's not like we're one of the 10 largest cities in the country. Huh? Nevermind. Go Bolts!!!