Friday, February 23, 2007
This piece of yours is the most poignantly written expression of massion* I have ever bourne witness too. It paints a portrait in my mind’s eye of Chargers GM AJ Smith as a true American hero, standing proudly and defiantly against those who would oppose his virtue and grace. I found myself nodding furiously along with your observation that:
“It took some spine to hire a coach with a losing record to take over a 14-2 team.”
A lot of people would have replaced the word “spine” with something along the lines of “egomaniacal fascism” or even “horse tranquilizers,” but not you Mr.Canepa. You’ve been in the business too long not to recognize a move like that as nothing more than a pure display of unflappable cajones. I imagine you wouldn’t have too much trouble recognizing AJs beanbag, what with it resting ever so gently on your cheek most hours of the day. Don’t be angry, Mr. Canepa, that wasn’t meant to be a jab. That was pure envy. I only wish I could find myself in the naked presence of GM AJ Smith. This part made me quiver:
““I'm not happy or sad,” he says. “It's not personal. It's strictly business.” Nothing like John Wayne ending the conversation with a quote from Michael Corleone.”
I hope you were wearing a diaper for that one. If it were me, things would have gotten messy.
In closing, let me thank you for pointing out the smooth call AJ made in hiring his new coaching staff that likely isn’t any worse than the old coaching staff.:
"Is it comfortable? Sure. It's Turner's offense. Ted Cottrell has been brought in to coordinate a 3-4 defense he's run since he was a child."
Being Neanderthal man in terms of football knowledge, I was unaware that sameness is what teams strive for. You are truly a giver of wisdom and truth. Of course, you did mention new wrinkles. I’m all atwitter. Here’s looking forward to another glorious year of Boltness. I can’t believe it’s seven months away!
*massion is man+passion you insufferable jerk-off
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Bow your heads in a moment of silence as the unbelievable has come to pass. Aaron Brooks is a Raider no more. It's a sad, sad day for NFL fans everywhere, except, of course, Raider fans wherever it is that those people live. Oh, Brooksy, we hardly knew ye. Did you remember to carve your name in the ceiling beam before Al Davis kicked the chair out from under you?
Of course, I don't know what I think is so funny. Watch us pull a Jose Cruz Jr. and sign the sumbitch as a back-up. No, Bolts!!!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
So, I spent all day yesterday champing at the bit to put in my two cents regarding the coaching hires yesterday. Unfortunately, likely due to some internet porn related activity, my personal computer is all whack-sucky right now so I was forced to bide my time. And now, nearly 24 hours after first receiving the news, I’m glad I got a bit of a cooling off period. No offense to all of those Bolt fans out there who decided to just go ahead and throw a tizzy, I’ve been know to throw a doozy of a tizzy a time or two, but now is not the time for so much foot stamping and ship jumping.
Norv Turner. Who cares? I mean, do I like the hiring? No. Do I not like the hiring? Not really. This hiring inspires very little reaction in me at all. Sure, it doesn’t seem to make much sense, but it’s not exactly a surprise. AJ needed his guy who would never get lippy. That’s Norv Turner. Seriously, all of you who are concerned about Norv Turner being our coach need to remember that he is really more like the wooden mermaid mounted to our bow than an actual coaching entity on this team. The only way he’s going to be any worse than Marty Schottenheimer is if he doesn’t even get us to the playoffs, and as much so many of you are falling out of your chairs yelling, “Yes! Exactly,” if we miss the playoffs it won’t be because of Norv fucking Turner.
I’d be more concerned with how we’ll replace guys like Donnie Edwards and Terrence Kiel. I’m not saying that this is the exact same situation, but last time we opened up a couple of holes in a solid defense like that, it took years to recover.
I’d be more worried about the coaching dynamic between hiring two defensive coordinators to our staff. One of them went to the Super Bowl, and he won’t even be the coordinator for our team. That could lead to some strife in the film room.
I don’t miss Cam Cameron…yet. I was never too sold on that guy to begin with. Norv Turner has at least had a modicum of offensive success. Well that’s what I keep hearing, I guess, but it doesn’t really matter because I don’t think he could sabotage our fine offense a la Kevin Gilbride. In fact, I doubt you’ll be able to tell the difference next season and that means we’ll still see lot’s of points and amazing TBE highlights. If the other two guys can keep the defense on track, and plug those new holes, this team should truck right on along.
And if it doesn’t? Well, maybe we’ll get to run another megalomaniac GM who believes a little too much in his supposed genius out of town. What is it with the Spanos family and these kinds of guys anyway?
We’re gonna be fine. Go Bolts!!!
Hmm...Or maybe this team has finally just broken my will. Cause I could just say what I really think, which is that, since everyone in the world knows that Norv Turner sucks, he could win the Super Bowl and we could still get away with firing him after this season. Then we could hire Bill Cowher which will help endear the team to their new Los Angeles fan base. Yeah, it could be that. Here's something to take your mind off the pain.
That picture is like internet morphine.
Monday, February 19, 2007
This is just the sort of travesty I was morbidly afraid of. I don't have the words currently in my word bank to adequately portray my disappointment with all of this blather. Looks like A.J. has gotten his man, and will stop at nothing to ensure that he ruins my life.
It's not that Norv isn't capable of making our squad go. Anything is possible. But, I tend to listen to those who have first hand accounts of someone's fuckitude, and those people have filled my text message box with both abuse and sinister laughter as they know Norvy is our problem now. First, this, and this not to mention that this is our second trip around the block with ol' Norvy here in our town.
Are you intentionally trying to get me to quit football A.J.? First, we have to deal with the constant looming threat of you and the Spani klan threatening to move our team to the worst pit of hell you call a city in Los Angeles. To the consistent underachieving on the football field that we have come to know and embrace here in our town. Now to bringing in the ultimate retread of a coach, that is known for his laid back approach with player personnel allowing them freedoms to sell their codeine across state lines, punch their domestic partners, and go on an all out rampage with the local police force. Were it not for the Bengals stealing all of our felony headlines this year, we'd have been the asshole of all the jokes about prison bound football teams.
So, for the upcoming season, I can look forward to a) more arrests, b) continuing failure on the field c) pending litigation for our felons d) moving trucks e) infighting within the organization when the 'yes' men don't fall to their knees in front of Lord Sith A.J. and f) Norv Fucking Turner.
I want to extend my most sincerest thank you's for ruining my football life. I hope this turns out well, otherwise I'll be helping to load the trucks and issuing a solid swift kick in the ass as the trucks roll on off to hell. Fuck you and your mouth A.J. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. In case that wasn't clear, Go Fuck Yourself San Diego/Los Angeles Chargers. ***
***(except for LTD, and the rest of the gang that I don't completely despise. That list is small and shrinking.)
Friday, February 16, 2007
First, and foremost, and I have to agree with the Seege (CJ) on this one, is Jim Mora who is not Jr. because his middle name is different from his old man.
I like Mora, because honestly, this was my first pick back when people asked me who I'd want instead of Schottenheimer, and I love looking like I know what I'm talking about. Seriously, though, this guy is a good coach with recent experience. He'll come cheap and with few demands, because let's face it, the way things went down in Atlanta he probably won't see many head coaching opportunities for a while. All of those things should appeal to BA GM AJ Smith.
Secondly, I have no problem with Cotrell, but he would have been the hot pick two years ago when he helped an overachieving Jets franchise knock the best team in football out of the playoffs in the first round. Now, though, I'd have to go with the current hot defensive mind, Rex Ryan.
I do think that BA GM AJ would like to go with a first time head coach that he could mold into a snivelling sycophant, but I don't know if that will happen with the team so far above everyone else in the league and poised to set every conceivable Super Bowl record (as well as many that have not yet been conceived)...
...which leads us to Norv Turner. I like to call him caretaker.
That's all he'd be until Bill Cowher is ready to come back and make Spanos fire BA GM AJ for what he did to his Obi-Wan, the Schottenmeister.
Lastly, I'm intrigued by the Jimmy Johnson.
I imagine he might find it a hoot to swoop in and grab another ring with the best team out there, a la Barry Switzer, but I don't see it happening. Would I like it? I wouldn't hate it. Personally, though, all things considered, I like the following candidate:
Yeah, I always root for the hot girl. And it's especially naughty, cause you can totally see her cat.
Oh yeah, and Seege, speaking of snivelling sycophants, way to suck up to Deadspin. That Jimmy Johnson pic is the tits, though.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
After spending the last two days in that insufferable hell that is Los Angeles, I've come up with my theory. Not yours, you can keep your theory along with your scorching case of gonorrhea, this one's mine. After being prodded for my opinion the last forty eight hours of shit filled cultlike brainwashing power point sessions, I've come up with one as to who our new squadleader would be...
Jim Mora Jr.
Jim Senior will be happy to point out that our quarterback isn't a guy you want to be sharing bong rips with for sanitary purposes, but his son might be able to make this system here work. The high school equipment guy with autism that drained six three pointers in his first ever game might be able to let LaDainian Tomlinson score touchdowns. Probability: 47%
Ted ran a 3-4 as a defensive coordinator. We like that. He used to coach the Jets. We don't like that. But, one way or another, we'll punish him for that. The GM will either filet his soul on a public stage, or we'll put forth one of those shotgun discharge up our own butthole performances in the playoffs. Either way, he loses. Probability: 26%
Token fat guy. Dad liked to punch other coaches. You think he won't take a swing at A.J.? Come on, it's coursing through his cholesterol, I mean blood colored cholesterol. Probability: 22%
I know what you're thinking. There's no way Jimmy's leaving Margaritaville to come out to sunny San Diego to run an awesome footballing team straight to the Super Bowl. Yeah, it's not his style to run a football team to the Super Bowl. He wouldn't know how to deal with an obnoxious G.M. (owner) and he certainly wouldn't know anything about how to relate to a bunch of troubled youth that have drug problems and frequent run ins with trigger happy campus patrolmen posing as cops. Doesn't seem like a good fit to me either. Probability: 5%
Many thanks to Deadspin for the happy Jimmy pic.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
“I just heard somewhere that this guy named Gary Hubert was a candidate to replace Marty,” said Smith. “Apparently Hubert was a strength and conditioning coach for the Attleboro Kings, a semi-pro team I played with in the 70’s. I don’t even know the guy. I think that rumor is bunk. I also don’t agree with the rumor that Hank Stram would be a good fit. I mean, I respect the guy and everything he’s done for the game, but the cold hard fact is that he’s dead, and hiring a dead guy wouldn’t work because he wouldn’t be able to run practices. Plus, I probably wouldn’t get along with him, because I lack remedial social skills.”
Hank Stram? I like it.
Monday, February 12, 2007
ESPN is reporting that Marty Schottenheimer has been fired as the head coach of the San Diego Chargers, and after the mass exodus of Chargers coaches I can't say I'm surprised. In fact, I was far more surprised to hear they were planning to keep him. I can only imagine they thought holding onto Marty would keep Cameron and/or Wade in-house, and when that failed to be the case AJ decided there was no reason to hang onto a lame duck coach. Also, rumors at this time point to AJ and Marty clashing over how to fill all the coaching vacancies. This makes sense as well. Why would you let a coach you knew would be leaving in a year to staff at his discretion?
What happens next is anyone's guess, but the Chargers are a pretty sweet gig right now and I can't imagine they will have a hard time filling the position competently. Look for everyone and their mother to shout Cowher from the top of the mountain, but I'd be surprised to see that happen. Ron Rivera? Russ Grimm? Maybe. Mike Martz is a terrifying possibility. I don't know at this point, but I think ultimately it will be a good thing for the team to get a whole new staff in place now, rather than knowing we'll have to do it a year from now. The next few days should be pretty interesting. Go Bolts!!!
Here's a link to an article that pretty much supports my theory that with all the other coaches leaving there was no reason to keep Marty.
And here's Dean Spanos' complete statement to the press.
Now, to avoid confusion, the following is CJ, who for some reason decided to add onto my post instead of do his own. I didn't even know you could do that, but now I may go back and change a few of his opinions that I never really jibed with.
Breaking News and where the fuck am I? Cleaning my bathro..., I mean, interupted from pleasuring my slew of supermodel girlfriends both physically and emotionally. Yep, I was cleaning my bathroom when Stuart, our valuable correspondent here at SuperChargers, broke the news that everyone is clammoring for. I've already had voicemails, text messages and celebratory gunshots going off in the neighborhood marking this event for posterity. As Max has so gloriously highlighted, the reign of mediocrity is over.
Initially I was confused as to why management, (read: A.J.)would rush to judgement so quickly, just three days post Patriots debacle to reaffirm Marty's confidence and restore him to power seemingly without much thought. My thoughts were, "Why so quickly? Why not wait and see how the postseason plays out? Why not see who is pilfered from the organization? Why not cut the players that need cutting, (read: Parker, Florence, and Kiel)and let the new regime fill those spots accordingly?" I was at a bit of a loss as to the direction management was taking. As Max said, with Cam gone, and 'Wad' on his way to purgatory, and the slew of others making for the exits in an orderly dismayed fashion, why bother with not a lame, but a slaughtered duck for a head coach moving forward? The question has been answered. We're officailly moving in a new direction, and I for one, am at the very least slightly pleased. As I said before, "Fucking Fire everyone, or fire no one." We may not have fired everyone, but the end result is the same. It's time to usher in the new.
Candidates? Who knows. I think Max is on the right track with Russ Grimm, perhaps Ron Rivera. I think Cowher, although a longshot like Barbaro at this point, would be nice, I'd be on board with that, but I don't see it happening. I've watched enough ButtRams football over the years to be horrified at the prospect of a Martz captained football team, but with the potential of this offense anything is possible. I'd also like to revisit one of Max's theories, that a Mora, Jr. run show wouldn't be awful. You can bet in the next couple of days we'll be monitoring this closely over here. Thanks again goes out to Stuart, and the Max, and all the rest who left indecipherable voicemails that amounted to, "WOOOOHOOOOOO FUCK YEAHHHH, MARTY FIRED, BONER, BONER, BONER!!!!" Stay tuned as the future of our footballing team here in San Diego takes the next step. This team may not actually be dead to me after all.... Go Bolts!!! CJ
"This week, more than likely, the Chargers will be cutting Terence Kiel loose. The prodigal safety embarrassed the Chargers at least twice too often last season, and he didn't make nearly enough plays to justify the aggravation."-- San Diego Union-Tribune
Not really a surprise since Kiel isn't a superstar. If he were, AJ might actually go to bat for the guy. But whether it's getting shot while an undercover tries to pull you over or smuggling cough syrup over state lines to pay off your gambling debts, there is no room on AJ's club if you are not a big name guy (I put that one on a tee for you, CJ). Too bad, though, I don't recall Kiel being one of the ten or so players blowing that Pats game for us. Oh well, good luck in Denver, KC or Oakland.
Speaking of Denver, KC or Oakland, last week both sides confirmed that there would be no discussions to bring back Donnie Edwards to the Chargers. Also not really news, but no matter how much you prepare for bad news, it still sucks. I thoroughly expect Edwards to seek employment with a division rival so he can get a crack at making AJ Smith look stupid no less than two times a year. As for what we'll do, I've read about the team and the coaches saying nice things about Wilhelm, but I haven't really heard anybody gush about the guy. Stephen Cooper has some flashy moments, but who knows how he'll play in a more pronounced role. Don't be surprised if the Bolts go after a quick LB who can drop into coverage well with their first draft pick. Whatever happens, the team will have a new leader in tackles next season for the first time in like, six years. It's too early to call it, but with all the coaching defections and now losing a couple of solid contributors everybody might want to back off on all those "set for the next five years" claims. There is still a lot of talent on this team, but the edges are starting to fray a bit. I'll keep my fingers crossed. Go Bolts!!!
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Also, I feel sort of bad we never featured her here before cause now she's dead, so here's a picture of Anna Nicole Smith when she was hot.
Expert: I'm hot.
Fair enough, dirty schoolgirl. At least you're getting an education.
I feel, though, that I should warn you all to not get overly excited about anything. Being that we are going into an odd year with a convincingly more difficult opponent list than last season it's entirely possible we'll shoot once again for the covetted 9-7, which I'm sure you all know is considered a winning record. Even in the AFC!
Also, anybody find it kind of ridiculous that Phillip Rivers and Manimal came forward and said they would have missed the AFC Championship? It's like they're telling us to be thankful we lost to the Patriots. And you know what? I have to believe it. I mean, did you really want to know the answer to the question, "How much worse could it be?" I think not.
Truthfully, I am already all jazzed about next year and I have no idea why, but I'm pretty sure we're gonna rock, and they're gonna suck, and I'm gonna drink, and CJs gonna complain (cause he didn't so much this year and it's an odd year for him) and the Padres are gonna score 1 run a game average, and America's never gonna care about Soccer. That about covers it. If none of that appeals to you, we got a problem.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Okay, okay. I know. Sometimes I speak from the heart and not the head, and even when I do use the meager power within my skull it still sometimes comes off like a retarded puppy is making the decisions in my brain. So, I'll have to be accepting of my fate for 2007 when it does come to Charger time.
During the Super Bowl that after yet more reflection we still weren't a part of and still didn't win, I in fact mentioned on more than one occasion that our team was dead to me. The reaction among others to that statement was one of disbelief, cause really, how many of us are out there weekly writing about the exploits of this team for 6 people to read. Emotion was obviously running wild and I fell prey to the reactionary decision making process that even management subscribed to (more on that in the 'Review' post that's coming soon I swear). So upon my rash statement, the superfans that I surround myself with jumped all over me, Max leading the charge, and started stuffing contracts in my face which I was happy to scribble my 'X' on validating my 'dead to me' statement. In hindsight it probably wasn't one of my better decisions, but it certainly wasn't the worst. If you don't know what kind of bad decisions I'm capable of, then you obviously don't know me at all you sickos.
My lawyer has advised me to restate my position, so I'm retracting my statement, sort of. This team as it sits right now is dead to me. My doctor advised me in my annual checkup, and no, we're not at 'finger in butthole' checkups yet, that continuing to pour all my heart and soul into a football team is a bad idea. And he's a smart guy. So, I swore off of the team. That contract wouldn't hold up in any court anyway.
My new amended position is this: The team as it sits right now is dead to me. Management is dead to me. The coaches are dead to me. And there is a long, long, list of players that are dead to me. I, in fact called my mom after the game and told her to burn my prized autographed picture of me and Dan Fouts taken at a bank in Mission Valley when I was 4 years old. Thankfully, my mom ignores most of the drivel that spews from my chewing hole. As most of you should if you aren't doing so already.
If nothing changes that I deem worthy of putting a quality product on the field in 2007, my position will remain the same. If some of those aformentioned 'dead' personnel are still donning uniforms come September, the team will be dead to me. As it sits now, I've sacrificed like a virgin in a Pagan ritual, my ability to care about the current squad. I will not watch them should things remain the same.
So, now I will sit and wait for the vitriol to spew. This retraction will not be received well I promise. Should that be the case, and things change to my satisfaction, I'll take my throat punches. I'm sure it won't be that bad as everyone I know save one or two people who don't know about the contract hit like limp wristed girly bitches anyway. At the very least it'll make for some excitement. Should throat punches occur, let it be known they will be videotaped and you lucky folk will see the full director's cut here.
Oh, and Terrance Kiel is fucked. Oh, and Shawne, just sit out the Pro Bowl, would ya?
Truly, the only thing I care about is that the Mighty Chargers are looking to tweak their logo in order to unify the way they brand the team or some such bullshit. I feel this is exactly what our emerging dynasty needs to plant itself firmly atop the mountain. But no simple "tweak" will do. And as much as I certainly appreciate the freshness and style of the powder blues, I'm afraid they will not cut the mustard either. I'm thinking something like this:
Tell me that won't strike terror into the hearts of the opposing players. Super. Bad. Ass.
On a sadder note, I feel as though I should inform you all, that at least through next season this blog will be pretty much all Maximum Colossus, all the time as far as Charger talk goes. I have in my possession a signed statement from esteemed cohort CJ stating that he will not watch any Charger football next season or face throat punch, Gary Sinise Ransom styley. Sure, he could read the papers and give secondhand accounts and such, but that would be awfully irresponsible. Maybe we can count on him to furnish us with information on the other 31 teams who will labor night and day to unseat us from our comfy throne. Wouldn't that be nice of him? Go CJ, and go Bolts!!!
Monday, February 05, 2007
Well it's finally over. A sub par AFC team outlasted an even worse NFC footballing squad in the muck of Florida yesterday. Much of my fabled content for the past three seasons has just gone up in smoke, as Peyton Manning took a hatchet to his back monkey and sucked out his brain for his first Super Bowl victory. Needless to say that this is not only disturbing, but yet another in many signs recently that the apocalypse is in fact descending upon us.
I'm planning a "Year in Review" post here in the next couple of days as certain media outlets and frustrated Charger faithful everywhere are still convinced that this was our year. Don't be fooled by that talk, as if this was our year, we would have made it such. There are many reasons why this wasn't our year that I will highlight individually in the 'Review' post, including the 8 arrests that our players accumulated in the calendar year and beyond. I'm sure that those types of character flaws had an impact on our postseason failure. Less depressing topics will punctuate the 'Review' post.
I will continue to post during the offseason, even during the mandatory football blackout period that is imposed annually. We'll cover the draft, the arrest records, and yes, even the Padres here over the next few months. I'd like to thank the few of you that enjoy our work here for continuing to check in and monitor our frustrations, periodically phoning us to make sure that the heart still beats during times of distress. If this year didn't kill me, there isn't one that this team can put together that will. I'd like to think I'm stronger personally for it. Stay tuned... more to come in the near future. Go Bolts!!