Thursday, November 30, 2006


I know that look! You were about to call me a liar! You were about to say that Colossus is a big fat liar who doesn’t post his picks right after telling you to your face that he would. Well, that’s okay go ahead and say that, I like proving you wrong. The thing is, I’ve been real busy lately, and on top of that I have to walk to another building now to get the sheet with the inaccurate spreads for my pick’em pool. I can’t do my picks here until I do those, because of course, it kills me to contradict myself. Some of you are probably saying that the picks will be tainted because the Ravens-Bengals game has already started, but I don’t have the NFL Network so screw you. Anyway, on to this special Jeopardy edition of my weekly picks.

Baltimore @ Cincy

What is…the game where a big-time, fast offense exposes the Ravens blitz package?

Bengals 27, Ravens 13

Minnesota @ Chicago

What is…an offensive disaster?

Bears 12, viQueens 9

Tampa @ Pitt

What is…a sad reminder that France used to be a super power too?

Steelers 24, Bucs 16

Zona @ Sweet Lou

What is…Denny Green’s last game before he coaches for the Raiders next year?

Rams 34, Cards 20

Indy @ Tennessee

What is…a big letdown after a total miracle?

Colts 37, Titans 14

Jax @ Miami

What is…Jacksonville’s problem? Thay’re always fucking with my picks!

Jags 21, Dolphins 20

Frisco @ New Orleans

What is…another rung on the ladder to the Superbowl for Drew Brees and Co.?

Saints 34, Niners 24

Hotlanta @ Washington

What is…Mike Vick’s last game before he QBs for the Raiders next year?

Skins 17, Falcons 14

KC @ Cleveland

What is…Larry Johnson doing always standing in the end zone?

Chiefs 30, Browns 23

Detroit @ New England

What is…ugly? Really, really ugly?

Pats 28, Lions 13

SD Super C @ Buffalo

What is…that? Snow? Big whoop. Suck it Bills. Losman!

Bolts 38, Bills 17

New York Jets @ Green Bay

What is…that? Health envy? Fragile Pennington against the Iron Man? Awesome.

Jets 24, Pack 17

Dallas @ New York VaGiants

What is…the game where we find out once and for all that no one in the NFC East can play consistently for their lives?

VaGiants 31, Cowgirls 21

Houston @ Oakland

What is…this shit?

Texans 24, Raiders 16

Seattle @ Denver

What is…proof positive that Jake the Snake ain’t the only problem in Denver?

Hawks 27, Shit Ponies 17

Monday! Monday! Monday!

Carolina @ Philly

What is…the Should-a-been Bowl?

Panthers 20, Eggles 17

Okay, I admit this wasn’t my best effort, but I’m racing time to try and catch the second half of tonight’s game down the street at the local libation and consumption factory. Keep tuning in and I promise to make it all up to you. Within the next week, I plan to share with you the reason behind the following quote that was recently directed towards me:

“thats right it is your fault. So do us all a favor, and fuck off. I am not going to be responding to your bullshit posts anymore. get lost, better hope I don’t find out who you are.”

You know you’re curious. Go Bolts!!!

Things I Love...

The Brushback and Igor.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Please Still Be My Friend, Crazy People.

Okay, Jerk-faces, I know I suck. Thanksgiving holiday, Thursday night games and the flu have really thrown a monkey wrench into my whole writing schedule. I was a bit off Thanksgiving night when I watched that HBO show, and I can’t remember a thing about it. Well, that’s not exactly true. I remember thinking this INFL Story Inside the Story deal might be a bigger jinx than getting the cover of Madden, but I can’t site the actual SISes to back that up, so I’ll have to hope it holds up and I can dazzle you with that sweet post later. Oh, and no Cut for you tonight. Please accept my apology in the form of the picture to your right. Are we square now?

Anyway, here’s how I see the rest of the week breaking down. Tomorrow you’re going to get my picks, so keep your bookies on hold. I’ll try to make them special this week, and I think I can because I actually picked over .500 last week for the first time since week four, and that’s what we in the industry refer to as being on a roll. Well, maybe not a roll per se, but we are leaning heavily over the edge of the cliff. Wait, that would be a fall, and we don’t want that. Okay, check it, we are on top of a hill and we are totally fetching a pail of aqua fina with this hot little slut named Jill. We’ll be rolling soon. Friday, you will get my curse, my cross to bear, my summary of Inside the Horrid Stank of Britney Spears’ Bagina (Don't do it! NSFW...or anywhere, really.). Yeah, I know that ever since I switched that gem to Thursday, it’s been pretty consistently hanging around on Friday. What am I supposed to do? Ground it? It’s just better that I know where it is. I mean, it could start hanging around on Tuesday night, and then we might never see it again at all. As for The Cut? Well, if I feel guilty, or something properly motivates me (Thanks a lot CJ for taking the Padres. Of course, they’ve been cut to me for a while now) maybe I’ll try to jam one in somewhere. Maybe I’ll even put one up this weekend, but you know that is unlikely, and if I did it would probably come out gibberish anyway.

The botton line here is that I haven't forgotten or abandoned the seven or eight of you that sort of care. I'm human, I fuck up. A lot. Seriously, it's depressing. Eh, suck it, here's some more "sorry."

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

An Open Letter...

Dear Mr. Sandy Alderson and Mr. Kevin Towers,

Today, whilst I perused the local paper looking for updates on my favorite baseball team's strategic genius for the upcoming three-peat by the TWO TIME WESTERN DIVISION CHAMPIONS!, I stumbled across this batch of lies that I would like to address and discount completely.

Mr. Sandytowers, you hold a lot of power over our baseball team here in this town. You are the genius that is going to return our basball team to prosperity amidst the mediocrity of the National League West. But, kind sirs, your strategies are not lost on me. I am not going to let you manipulate the facts in order to serve your interests, which to date, I am not sure if are in line with the team's and the fans best interests. You owe me the breakfast I vomited for distance this morning while reading your lies. I will not let you lie to us so blatently, whilst you raise our season ticket prices an additional twenty percent for the 2007 campaign. Some highlights:

(The Padres)"...came to a preliminary agreement on a two-year deal with second baseman Craig Counsell, all but bid adieu to left fielder Dave Roberts and looked into trading for Red Sox left fielder Manny Ramirez."

Craig Counsell is to be a San Diego Padre for two years defending base number two. What does Mr. Counsell bring to the table? Easy...

"Counsell should be in the fold within a few days, giving the Padres a potential leadoff man to replace Roberts. Although Counsell can fill a utility role, he is expected to replace second baseman Josh Barfield, who was traded for third baseman Kevin Kouzmanoff last month. Counsell, playing mostly at shortstop and drawing a salary of $1.75 million, appeared in 105 games for the Diamondbacks this year and batted .255 with four home runs and 14 doubles."

That should cover Josh's departing .280, 13 Home Runs, 58 RBI and 151 hits, 32 of which were doubles. Is Josh scheduled to make nearly $2 Million next year? Man, way out of our league I am sure, but I am also sure that you have that money covered with the release of Chan Ho "Bleeding" Park and Ryan Klesko, and that whole 20% increase in season ticket prices. But, you have a plan, no?

"Yesterday they bid more than $10 million for the right to negotiate with Japanese pitcher Kei Igawa."

Well, that's good right? Going after a guy who produced in the Japanese leagues these hallworthy numbers...

"Viewed by American teams as a No. 4 starter, Igawa went 14-9 with a 2.97 ERA for Hanshin last year. He is the second Japanese player pursued by the Padres this month..."

Shoring up that number four spot in the rotation is the top priority, as there are no other reputable free agents that are capable candidates and throw the ball left handed, see: Tom Glavine. But, that's here nor there...

"Igawa, 27, will be far more expensive. The Padres are seeking his negotiating by bidding against other teams with his employer, the Hanshin Tigers. “I think several clubs are also involved,” said Padres General Manger Kevin Towers."

Other clubs? Like who? Oh, that's who...

"The New York Yankees won the bidding for Japanese pitcher Kei Igawa when the Hanshin Tigers accepted their offer of just more than $26 million Tuesday."

To continue...

"The New York Mets bid between $15 million and $16 million for Igawa, a baseball official said on condition of anonymity because the amounts of losing bids are not disclosed."

We were right there guys, right there, for what? What did get spanked in the bidding war for?

"Igawa faced a touring team of MLB stars this past month, which included Mets stars Jose Reyes and David Wright. Igawa, who faced the MLB stars after a month layoff, gave up a home run to Wright and walked six batters in Japan's 7-2 loss."

Earthshattering. Just knocked the planet off it's orbital axis with those numbers. What was David Wright's take?

""I just don't know," Wright told Newsday. "I'd have to see him when he's in midseason form. You send a guy up there after a month layoff and you can't get a handle on a guy. But as far as a lefty goes, he has a sneaky fastball. I thought he threw, for a lefty, an average to above-average fastball, an above-average changeup, and his slider was a little flat. But with a month off, who knows? Could be any number of reasons.""

Well, I'm sold. David Wright could sell tampons to a drag queen in Hillcrest with that endorsement. Yet you continue with this charade even further...

"He is the second Japanese player pursued by the Padres this month and will cost far more than versatile Akinori Iwamura, whose rights fetched $4.5 million from the Devil Rays. Blown out of the water by Tampa Bay's bid, the Padres this time face stiff competition from, among others, the Rangers."

You Mr. Sandytowers, did not even have us in the running for a pitcher who demanded $4.5 Million to negotiate signing? We were in fact, "blown out of the water by Tampa Bay's bid"? What did you bid? A fish taco and a sunny 85 degree June day? You must not think very highly of your fan base Mr. Sandytowers.

"As expected, the Padres are saying goodbye to Roberts – who has a three-year deal in place with the Giants for between $15 million and $17 million. The Padres have spoken with Roberts' agent just once since signing him for $2.25 million last winter. Were the season to open today, Towers said the left fielder would be Terrmel Sledge, another potential leadoff candidate in the Padres' view, although he hit just .229 in 38 games last season and was exempted from their playoff roster."

I would like to request a copy of Dave's contract once signed supporting those numbers with full detail of the money breakdown, of course this suggests that Mr. Bonds will no longer be patrolling the left side of the outfield for Hillcrest North. But, those Terrmel Sledge numbers are comparable and quite impressive.

So what's next Mr. Sandytowers? Oh, you were getting to that, I see...

"Ramirez's powerful right-handed bat fits the Padres' stated desire for a middle-of-the-lineup hitter, and Towers spoke to the Red Sox about what it would take to get Ramirez, who wants out of Boston.

"The rest would be complicated. Ramirez is guaranteed $18 million in 2007, $20 million in 2008, plus $8 million in deferred money. Further, he has club options worth $20 million in 2009 and 2010, can veto any deal and reportedly has said he prefers to stay in the American League.

Adding to the challenge, a potential trade partner likely would have to negotiate with Ramirez to gain his consent, and three player agents said yesterday that one should assume that Ramirez's agent would ask for at least an additional $20 million in guaranteed income.

Many players welcome the chance to play in San Diego, but it's unclear that Ramirez would be one of them. Many sluggers dislike Petco Park, and the Padres clubhouse, as of now, would offer scant Latino presence to Ramirez, a native of the Dominican Republic who is extremely tight with Red Sox teammate David Ortiz.

Stomaching Ramirez's subpar defense and flighty personality also would be part of the equation. Just last year, Towers championed the move of the speedy Roberts from center to left because he said Petco Park and the other large outfields of the NL West accentuated outfield defense.

How much of Ramirez's salary the Red Sox would assume would depend on the talent dealt them. Padres reliever Scott Linebrink interests Boston, and in 2005 the Red Sox talked to the Rangers about first baseman Adrian Gonzalez."

After being "blown out" by Tampa's meager bid, and this team's conservative fiscal policy, you are to have me believe that you will part with Scott Linebrink and Adrian Gonzalez (your only Latino influence left on the squad) and suck up $20 Million per year, with an additional $20 Million to keep the crybaby happy? Who are you selling this to? As naive as I am, I'm not even stupid enough to believe that. You are trying to convince me we are going to take a serious run at Manny, yet you support that with eighty four different reasons why it won't work. Yeah, I know what comes next. We ALL do. This is when you say that we are such a small market here in San Diego that we can't compete with the big boys. The Devil Rays if you will.

So free up $24 Million with the release of the aforementioned salaries that are gone. Raise ticket prices and complain that we can't compete. I see your angle. Someone around here saw this coming long before I did. But, to your credit, you had me "Keeping the Faith!" and "Believing!". You had me fooled. You have me fooled no longer.

Thank you Mr. Sandytowers for distracting me and discouraging me five months in advance for the upcoming baseball season. Thank you for taking this chunk of time from my day, turning my attention from the gloriousness of our football team to tell me that we will in fact, suck shit on the baseball diamond for years to come. Thank you for forcing me to anger the readers here by wasting an entirely too long post on the ineptitude of our baseballing management. Thank you for doing all that, and then slipping in that little fact that I am going to have to pay more money to see that shit sucking team in person yet again. Thank you from the bottom of my shrinking, cold, quivering heart. And thank you for leaving this gem for me to ponder while I struggle to sleep tonight...

"They are talking to Mark Mulder's agent about a one-year deal for the former Athletics and Cardinals starter, who has a career 103-57 record and 4.11 ERA. Mulder had season-ending shoulder surgery in August and isn't due back before next summer."

Just fucking awesome. Thank you at least for giving me one reason (read: J. Biel) to root for the fuck ass Yankmees.



Sunday, November 26, 2006

Randy Cross Is A Bitch!

If you just finished watching that game, that's probably pretty close the expresion on your face.

Well, let's hope we decide to show up next week against Buffalo. Don't get me wrong, I love the W, but that was some seriously ugly shite. I love the way you just know that TBE will make something happen sometime. Hate the way our secondary covers Tight Ends. I love seeing Cromartie nearly take a kick-off to the house, especially since the offense really needed the field position. Hated seeing Rivers look like a first year starter for four full quarters. I love the way this team doesn't seem to quit. I absolutely despise Big Vinny right now for giving inexplicable Charger hater Randy Cross a reason to bitch for the last 6 minutes of the game. And don't even get me started on how Radier fans are going to throw that forward pass bullshit (Yeah, I said bullshit) in my face for the next 20 years. Forwad pass is the new tuck rule. I'm happy that it saved us, but that is another rule they may have to consider fixing up a bit. All in all fellas, I don't want to beat you all up too badly cause you dug it out, but I can't wait til this team gets some pieces back (anybody notice that Andrew Pinnock isn't quite Michael Turner when TBE is out?). There were too many glaring holes in the program today. And, come on...seriously, Big Vin?

But, go Bolts!!!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

My Picks...And The Following Disturbing Image.

If you’ve picked opposite me all year long in your respective pick’em leagues than it is a forgone conclusion that you are living in a high-rise luxury condominium overlooking the Pacific. No scratch that! You live in a beautiful mountain villa with your four supermodel wives and you have a fleet of flying rocket cars. The condo is a weekend thing. Well, the least you could do is drop me a Christmas card next month. I’ll be waiting by the mailbox.

Yep, with the exception of a couple of lucky weeks near the beginning of the year, this NFL season’s antics have made me quite the retard in social circles. Expect more craziness to ensue, but I’m not scared. I’ll still pick these bitches!

Turkey Day Games
I think it was Ben Franklin wanted to make the turkey the National Bird because it was so smart or something. Imagine how delicious our country would be. Although, I never have tried Eagle.

Miami @ Detroit
Play of the game: John Kitna bounces the ball of the overhead camera into the waiting arms of Chris Chambers, who returns the ball 73 yards for a TD. Why was Chris Chambers in on defense? Why not?
Dolphins 24, Lions 10

Tampa @ Dallas
POG: Julius Jones is knocked unconscious in the back field and fumbles the ball. Tony Romo picks them both up and rumbles 64 yards to put the game firmly out of reach. Sportswriters everywhere swoon.
Cowgirls 31, Bucs 14

Denver @ Kansas City
POG: Jake Plummer throws for the decisive TD to Javon Walker with 3 minutes left in the game to cap off a mistake free second half. Jay Cutler punches stuff.
Shit Ponies 21, Chiefs 17

Plain old lame Sunday games. Uggh.

Jax @ Buffalo
POG: Byron Leftwich returns from surgery against all odds and doctor recommendations to hand the ball to Fred Taylor for the game winning TD with no time left on the clock.
Jags 17, Bills 13

Houston @ New York Jets
POG: Brooks Bollinger to Jerricho Cotchery, who is standing on Lavernues Coles’ shoulders and juggling chainsaws. Seriously, watch this game above all others.
Jets 28, Texans 24

Pitt @ Baltimore
POG: Big Gay Ben hands off the QB duties to Charlie Batch, but takes over in the backfield in goal line situations. On his motorcycle. Only this time he’s wearing a helmet. Six points! Suck it Ravens!
Steelers 20, Ravens 18

Cincy @ Cleveland
POG: Chad Johnson catches a TD without being completely wide open. Ooooooh.
Bengals 35, Browns 30

Arizona @ Minnesota
POG: The safety. The safety covers the spread. Everything else sucks.
Vikings 11, Cards 3

Frisco @ Sweet Lou
POG: The one where Scott Linehan kills himself.
49ers 24, Rams 17

New Orleans @ Atlanta
POG: Reggie Bush strips the ball from the hands of Marques Colston and scores a 68 yard TD to win the game and prove that there can be only one.
Saints 34, Falcons 24

Carolina @ Washington
POG: TD to Steve Smith.
Panthers 28, Redskins 16

Chicago @ New England
POG: Not so much a play, but before the game Tom Brady beats the crap out of Rex Grossman cause some writer tried to use the old Joe Montana comparison on Rex a few weeks back. There can be only one! Well, one more Joe Montana at a time, anyway. The beating sets the tone for the day.
Pats 27, Bears 13

New York vaGiants @ Tennessee
POG: Eli Manning strategically bounces the ball off of Chris Hope’s hands into the waiting arms of Plaxico Burress for the game winner.
vaGiants 23, Titans 17

Oakland @ San Diego Super Chargers
POG: In a desperate defensive move, Oakland builds a moat around their end zone. TBE trots across it twice in the third quarter.
Bolts 31, Raiders 13

Philly @ Indy
POG: Late in the second quarter, Philly throws in the towel and goes home. Peyton and co. stick around and score 1000 in the second half so they can be the highest scoring offense in the NFL again. They don’t run it in a single time.
Colts 1031, Eggles 6

Monday Night Football Contest!

Green Bay @ Seattle
POG: The first snap. Brett Favre extends his consecutive starting streak to 252. He’s subsequently flagged for using a prop. It’s a wheelchair. Bring on Ingle Martin! Woohoo!
Seahawks 30, Packers 13

That’s all she wrote, folks. Enjoy your frickin’ Turkey Day!


You've more than likely heard the following news already, but it obviously bears reporting here and I apologize for not getting to it sooner but all of your checks bounced. Stupid poor people!

Earlier in the week the news broke that Marlon McCree would not be fined by the NFL for his supposed "horrendous cheap shot" on T.J. Houshmanzedah. Take that Dan Dierdorf! More proof you have no idea what the hell you are ever talking about. And take that Dr. Z. In his mailbag last week, Z says the shot was definitely crown of the helmet on helmet. Funny the league missed that, but they probably weren't paying that much attention, they're pretty lazy when it comes to handing out fines.

On the heels of the no-fine call on McCree comes this judgment from the Commisioner Roger Goodell. Of course Igor Olshansky was penalized by the NFL for punching Tom Nalen in the melon and his subsequent ejection from the game Sunday night. Fined to the tune of $10,000. Now, $10,000 is not all that much of a fine for what seemed like a pretty aggregious offense, but in perhaps the first documented case of its kind ever, the league actually noticed a Denver Shit Ponies O-lineman taking a straight dive at an opposing player's knees and fined Nalen $25,000. The call was easier to make than the 1000 or so other times that this has happened due to the fact that it was a spike-ball play and no other O-lineman on the Denver squad did much more than stand up. What's worse, Olshansky just came back from knee surgery. Hmm, a punch in the head? I'll allow it.

Two great things to take away from the above rulings:

1) Two young players in Olshansky and McCree were able to avoid the Rodney Harrison cheap play tag that lead two tons of fines and penalties throughout his career here in San Diego.

2) NFL referees may finally have to take notice of the well known cheap tactics employed buy the formerly known as NFL's stingiest defense.

Now, if we can just get the Raiders to stop poking TBE in the ribs, we'll be good to go! Go Bolts!!!

The Cut.

It just feels like a Jessica Alba day. I did watch Sin City last night.

These short weeks kill me. Between the flex schedule forcing me to attempt to stay sober enough to focus on the Charger game Sunday night (I failed miserably) and the Thanksgiving holiday, I feel backed up, and to be honest, still a bit hung-over. So here we are, Wednesday already, and it’s time for the cut. I got a couple of bubble contenders to start with, and it appears to be a cable network bitchfest for a Wednesday morning.

1) This NFL Network garbage. Now, I know it’s not exactly the demographic that the NFL is appealing to, but I swear there has to still be a fan or two out there that can’t afford cable television, let alone a freaking satellite dish, but the league grants itself a handful of games starting this year and it’s sure to be more in the years to come. I mean, come on, they gave themselves a night game on Thanksgiving. I find it awfully hypocritical that in a year where the NFL takes credit for single-handedly rebuilding the city of New Orleans, they’re telling people there that they are going to have to go to a bar or buy a dish if they want to catch the game tomorrow night. I don’t know if the local cable provider out there carries the NFL Network, but I imagine that even if it does, many of the thousands of people still living in FEMA trailers probably don’t have the most reliable coverage. More importantly, though, is how this affects me. I wouldn’t mind catching the Chiefs-Shit Ponies game tomorrow night, but I am so stupid that I chose Time-Warner to be my cable provider. Oh wait! I didn’t have a choice. Did you hear that? I have to peel my turkey-bloated fat guy ass off the faux-leather living room couch and head to a bar to watch the game because my cable provider will not fork out the dough to carry NFLN, and I have no other option, but cable providers are not a monopoly at all. Fuck you! The only saving grace of NFLN, and I could be wrong and I may have merely dreamt this, is that home games not subject to broadcast blackouts will still be shown on the local affiliate even if they are on NFLN. Thanks, you glorious assbags!

2) ESPN. First off, I’m pretty sure it has gotten to a point where every single douche bag you employ either annoys (see, Joe Theisman and the Monday Night Crew, Stuart Scott…etc.) or infuriates (Sean Salisbury, Chris Berman…etc.) me. And aside from that, as your network slides towards the depths of the unwatchable (See Lifetime, We…etc.), you have the gall to demand far more money than any other basic cable net for HD coverage. Bitches!

3) Time Warner Cable. My cable signal sucks and you fuckers are cheap.

But the big winner on today’s cut…

…Jury duty! If you don’t think jury duty is football related, you have not been paying attention to football over the last few years. Jury duty blows. I’ve been blessed with jury duty more times than I can remember, and I have never so much as had my name called to leave the big boring cattle-call room and actually answer some question. This blows because I’ve had my answers lined up for years. You know, about how I’m a hard core conservative Christian who hates all races and homosexuals, and not only do I support the death penalty 100%, I write my Governor thrice weekly urging him to push for a torture penalty. So I get my what seems to be biannual jury summons and at this point all I look at is the date, because I’ve totally got the drill down at this point. I know that I’ve got a two week window going in either direction and now all I have to do is pick the day most beneficial to my cause of doing things that make me happy. The date they gave me was last Friday the 17th. Sweet. I chose today. Honestly, do you think a bunch of judges are going to work all day before a four day weekend? Hell no, I figured I’d likely be out by 11:00 and on the beach if the weather is nice enough. Well, jokes on me for never having read anything the government has ever sent me. Turns out, I didn’t have actual jury duty, but some kind of fucked up supplemental jury duty. That means I was supposed to call last Thursday and see if they needed me to come in or be faced with contempt of court. Fabulous! I called last night and apparently my “jury duty” was somehow fulfilled in absentia and they were kind enough not to throw the book at me, but short story long; I am probably expected to work all day by my employer. Thanks San Diego County Court System. Thanks a shitload!

So there’s your cut. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed shitting it out my bitch hole. Why don’t you guys chime in this week and let me know what you’d like to see cut? Inquiring minds want to know.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Something Special...

Sappy? Yes. True? Yes. What is going on here for this our season is nothing short of spectacular. Wait. Yes it is. It is short of spectacular. How is that you say? How could this season have been predicted? How could our successes to date be so significant? Well, I am here to say that we, at least the "we" that pollute this space thought this might just happen...

It started back in February when we were just getting ready for the draft that would happen many months later. Normally a time that I reserve for not talking about the football, but if you go back, there was quite a bit of discussion leading up to the draft, after the draft, and pretty much during the entire no football whatsoever blackout period that I personally instituted some seasons ago. There was excitement here. There was football going on here and it's safe to say that this group wouldn't shut the fuck up about it. It was then that I knew that we had something special building here.

We've talked about it to death. There's a latin or some such foreign tongue that has a word for that but I think that's been used to the point of nausea so bite me vocab sticklers. We slaughtered this team with our words. It got to the point where the only conversation we'd have would go like this:

"We're gonna be good right?"
"Well, yeah."
"So, the defense is there right?"
"Yeah, we have about 9000 beasts out there craving intestines, yeah we're good."
"And well, the offense will be there right?"
"Well, yeah. We still have Best Ever, Antonio First Down, the receivers are a year longer into development, and there's two guys coming in that are like 19 feet tall and fast."
"Well, what about the Quarterback?"
"Oh, that. The Quarterback is good. He's been sitting and learning for two years. He owns all of the college records in the ACC. If he isn't completely retarded and promises not fuck it up, we'll be fine."
"That's probably true."
"Damn right."

This conversation with those in the know is the only conversation we had during this offseason. That's just how it went. There was an inherent confidence around here I had never been a part of. As has been well documented, I am not the most flag toting fan around these parts. In fact, the word naysayer has been thrown around rather loosley at times, although deserved. But, this season has been different. The events to date have been different. And that atmosphere has disappeared.

I haven't in the past really enjoyed the footballing. I tend to have a bit of a reckless demeanor when watching this footballing team in the past. I have bitten my fingers bloody, sworn at inanimate objects and innocent bystanders after time outs were wasted. I've punched steel reinforced doors and literally suffered chest pains as my heart accelerated to unsafe speeds. But this year, this year is different. There has been this calm. This never before present calm with this team in 2006. In Cincinnatti, calm. Nothing was shattered in the living room. No one bore the brunt of a verbal slaying. Just calm. We've got this.... We've got this.

I thought that might have been an illusion. A one time thing. Then Denver happened. And still, nothing. No panic. No desperation. Nothing disheartening. Even when Darrent Williams returned Seventeen's error for 6, nothing. In fact, this was the most popular conversation of the night:

"You nervous yet?"

That was it. Not leading up to the game. Not during the horrible second quarter that we have managed to perfect this season. Nothing. This was doable. This wasn't going to happen again. And then the tide changed. And it didn't feel like the tide had changed to me. We just did what it is now that we do. LTD went apeshit, hurling his rushing prowess across Mile High. Silencing that crowd was an unfuckinbelievable feeling. One that has been missing for quite a while. But, as amazing as it was, it came to no surprise to those of us around here. This is the team we have been waiting for and expecting to show up for some time now.

People will talk about the trades. Mikey Vick for LTD and our former Squadleader. Save a shattered wing at the hands of the Donks in the finale things might be different here. But, sad as it was, it happened and opened the door for this. Or, the Whiny Manning lacking a desire to play here, further kicking down that door for Seventeen, and the Monster Who Needs a New Pharmacist. Not to mention the add of ol' 93. This was going to happen. It should not have been a surprise.

Now we're on top. What to do now that we are here is a whole 'nother story. But we're here. And I see no signs of it slowing down. I've actually broken another of my rules this season. I have made wagers on our footballing team. Not the monetary sort, but the humiliating sort. The kind you make with Buck Toothed Coloradoans (sp?) after some tequila. Three in fact, I didn't start slow with one, but three. And here we are, one down, soon to be paid off with a sore foam fingered covered arm praising all that is Bolt for a day. And halfway to victory on the remaining two. And still, the confidence does not stray. This one's ours. This one is finally ours.

Can you hear that?

Holy crap is right...
Wow, it's a good time to be a Chargers fan. I think back to right before game one of the regular season. Rivers about to get his first NFL start, on the road against the Raiders, on Monday night. Was I nervous? Yep. It wasn't because I doubted Rivers' or the Chargers' abilities. I had watched as much of him as I could at the end of past season's games and during preseason, and I had been talking him up. I was telling anyone who asked that I thought he looked like a winner. But still, game one always has some nervous uncertainty, and opening up on the road against the twilight zone that can be Oakland on MNF? That has to give you some jumpies. I'm sure that Rivers had them, somewhere deep down, but you couldn't tell. He looked like he had ice in his veins. Chargers deal out a 27-0 spanking, and the season is on.

Flash forward... week 11 is in the books. Would you have guessed that the Chargers have an 8-2 record and have just done the Donkeys in their own house? Rivers tossing 2 TD's and cupping his ear at the crowd? Wow. Looks like he IS a winner, and has been proving it game by game.

But then, it shouldn't be too much of a surprise, when you have LT behind you at the line. He becomes more of a legend every day. I actually can't picture LT doing the cupped ear, or the shhh or anything like that to the crowd or the opposing team. The most he does is the "teapot" and that's ok with me. It may be even more demoralizing that way. If you are playing against him, it has got to be incredibly annoying. All week your coaches scheme and try to drill it into your head not to let him beat you. You study tape, you practice, you dream about how to stop him and talk about it with your teammates. Then game time comes and you watch him make you all look like you are playing on a 2 second delay, cross into the end zone for the nth time, and flip the ball to the ref like he's picking up his dry cleaning. It has to feel like it's not fair, like he's playing a different game. He is.

Congrats to LT on getting to 100, and check that video below posted by MC- it may give you chills. This team should be fun to watch for a while- it's boiling over with deep talent, and it is young!

Thanks Chargers for quieting the Donk fans for a while... That silence... ahhhhh it feels good. No, Philip, I can't hear them either. It's a beautiful thing.

Let Me Get All Fangirl For A Moment.

It's funny, these last couple of games, going in I wasn't worried at all. Yeah, it sucked that two of our big studs on D were out, but this offense has been putting up points all year. Sure, Ciny can score, but can they score with us for sixty minutes? Guess not. And you know that Denver has nothing on that side of the ball. Don't give me any of that stingey defense crap either. Indy put up thirty-one on the Shit Ponies (mostly in the second half, by the way) and I truly believe we have a stronger offense than the Colts right now. Boy, did we make these games interesting, though. Palpitations, palpitations. Two big second half comebacks in a row, and it makes me think back. You're probably thinking I mean back to the late '70s and early '80s, but that isn't what I mean at all. I've been thinking back to the preseason. Back to when the offense couldn't get into a rythm. They had moments, but Rivers made a young QBs share of mistakes. Things weren't firing quite right, and I wonder why? I know I kept saying something along the lines of our best player in team history not being in the game. I remember thinking that might make the offense roll a little easier. That might take some of the pressure off of young Philip. And now the world knows. After a stretch of games the likes of which no running back has ever imagined to achieve, TBE simply makes opposing teams look as though they are dueling left-handed. I have to give it up to the rest of the boys for hanging in there while key players sit out, and Rivers deserves enormous praise for the presence he has shown, but frankly this is TBE's team and TBE's season. Thank you LaDainian, your shit is tight! Go Bolts!!!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Saturday, November 18, 2006

My Picks And...Wait For It...Hot Girl. You're Welcome

I'm an older man, by the way.

I had a pretty good week on the old pickaroos last week. By good week, I mean that I was just barely under .500 so suck on that whores! That being said, worship the genius, fuckers!

Oakland @ KC
The return of Trent Green, who obviously begged Herman Edwards to help him get over his Kurt Warner flashbacks. Will it save the season? Against the Raiders? Yeah, probably.
Chiefs 34, Raiders 13

Indianapolis @ Dallas
Can the Colts go undefeated on this season? I hope so. So much the sweeter when we knock them off their high horse in the play-offs. Fuck your girl's name, Manning! Take it like a man, Dallas!
Colts 42, Cowgirls 19

Cincy @ New Orleans
A lot of people are saying that the Bengals are fighting mad after giving it up big time to the soon-to-be defending Superbowl champion San Diego Chargers, but I am not impressed. They are going to lay down and die for the soon-to-be Superbowl losing Saints and their co-rookies of the year this week. Suck it, The OC!
Saints 34, Bengals 23

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland
The oddsmakers continue to live in the past by favvoring the sorry Pittsburgh steel-working club, but facts be brutal, they are awful. Watch The Best Tight End Ever's son march his platoon down the field all day as the Browns leg the Steelers to death on Sunday.
Browns 18, Steelers 14

Tennessee @ Philly
Donovan McNabb and his momma continue the treand of making the Tennesse hunting club eat their racist bullshit Ray Lewis style. That means the Eggles will murder the Titans if you haven't been keeping up with Lewis' career.
Eggles 30, Titans 14 (It's always 14)

Hotlanta @ Baltimore
I'm going against the grain here and picking the Ravens because my hatred has no focus. TBE is way better than Mike Marino. I'm just saying is all.
Ravens 17, Falcons 12

Sweet Lou @ Carolina
The circle is now complete. Bulger will again be amazing in defeat and the Rams season goes spiraling down the drain.
Panthers 20, Rams 13

Buffalo @ Houston
Everybody is morose over the prospect of Arizona playing Detroit, but at least that game has a ghost of a chance of being slightly interesting to watch. No such luck here.
Texans 13, Bills 12 Losman!

New England @ Green Bay
Maybe I'm jumping on the whole "What the fuck happened to Joe Montana" bus a little early, but there is something to it. New England better start worrying, cause their coach and their Messiah are grasping at straws right now and Brett Favre smells redemption. But alas...
Pats 24, Packers 22

Washington @ Tampa
It's hard to pick anyone to lose to Tampa at this poin, but I'm a bite the bullet type of guy, so eat it.
Bucs 23, Skins somehow 11

Chicago @ New York Jets
The NFC sucks. Grossman sucks. Ditka sucks.
Jets 28, Bears 13

Minnesota @ Miami
I just booked my flight to Minnesota for Christmas and I really want to believe their won't be a lot of sad people in that little hole in the wall bar in the North Woods I'll be living in. Uhhh...maybe?
ViQueens 8, Dolphins 7

Detroit @ Arizona
How did this game not make Monday night on ESPN?
Lions 37, Cards 13

Seattle @ Santa Clara
No one knows what is going to happen this season. That statement gets a giant exclamation point from the even line I've got on this game. Bet the farm on this one fellas.
Hawks 32, 49ers 16

San Diego @ Denver fuck ass mile high corn hole
Let me school you on some serious shit right now. The Broncos are shit. Dogs and pigs will eat their own shit, but Stallions don't. They eat grass. The Chargers are fucking stallions. Look it up. That's some Mutual of Omaha knowledge right there.
Bolts 38, Shit Ponies 20

New York Giants @ Jacksonville
For the second time today, I am forced to go with a craphole team I hate because the AFC defiles the NFC mothers and dughters. Such is life.
Jags 24, VaGiants 20 I swear it's not this close.

There you have it.If you don't like it, eat it and lose all your money. Does that make you happy? You've been mostly dead all day.

An Open Letter...

To Whom it May Concern, a.k.a. our Selfless Readers:

Hello and Welcome to the SuperChargers. I would like to both welcome and thank those of you who stop by here regularly and peruse our drivel while figuring out how to better spend your workday. As we attempt to wax intellectual and further reduce your productivity, it is appreciated that you waste your time here with us instead of clogging your toilet during your morning visit. But, I have a complaint with you. You, our clientele, our readers...

There is a point where you must get sick of our incessant babbling and ranting about pacific northwest albino midgets with Bosworth jerseys, toothless rabid Donkey fans, and the suckfest that is Ms. Peyton and family. It is both our duty and goal to instigate, provoke, and bait all of you into discussion. Yet, due to your fantastic Marine like discipline, our efforts are unrewarded daily. It is up to you, dear readers, to prove your literacy and express yourselves to us with your likes, dislikes, and attempts at humor, purely at our expense. Which brings us to the point of this open letter.

We have, like all the rest, set up the comments section of this here blog to hear from you, our reader(s). I know that during my "work" day, I am here, evaluating all the action (incorrectly mind you) wondering what makes you all tick. We want to hear from you. We want to know your innermost desires, your jokes, your thoughts. Good or bad, funny or not, we want to know what goes on with the folks who have more functional brain cells than the sixteen we have here combined. So bring it fine readers. Bring the noise. Bring the awesome. Make with the comments. Let us know what is going on. We must increase the Boltness here and all over our town. It's bad enough that we have to suffer the pathetic wrath that is Denver transplanting here in San Diego, but it's made entirely worse wondering if anyone has our back. Get our backs, you the readers. Tell us what's funny. Tell us your funny. Make with your thoughts. We do this for you, poorly mind you, but for you nonetheless. We are on the brink of Bolting history here in the 2006, and we want a crew to back us on this ride. Share the love, and the vocabulary and help make this a better place. I'm putting this on all of you...

Thank you for your time.


Go Bolts!! Die Denvers.

Friday, November 17, 2006

A Dark Day Indeed.

Before I get on with my brilliantly scathing summary of that sucky show I force myself to gag through every week, I’d like to take a moment to remember a fallen sexpot. R.I.P. Jessica Biel, who was spotted out earlier in the week with Yankee shit stain Derek Jeter. Alas, Jessica, once high on my list of daydream boner jams, is dead to me. Okay, honestly, she’s more like in a coma, because I’m not sure this whole thing isn’t a big, fat beard. I mean, I’m pretty sure Jess is a super hot lesbian, and I’m damn near positive that Derek Jeter’s a gay guy. Whatever. Time will tell.

Expect extra amounts of vitriol in today’s rantings. It’s nine o’clock (Did the Irish invent the concept of time? Or just clocks?) and I’ve got Hall & Oates stuck in my head. And I don’t mean something kick ass like Maneater, I’ve got You’re Fucking Kiss is on My Fucking List stuck in the old noggin’. Curse your hot licks, John Oates!

As per usual, at the outset of Inside the Cruel Heart of a Cold-Blooded Bitch we are given insight as to the treats that lay ahead. If you haven’t had enough of Mama McNabb from the Chunky Soup commercials, have no fear, she’s this week’s Bill Cowher’s daughter! Then we’ll talk hot QBs Steve McNair and Philip Rivers. It makes me sick that they’d drop the two in the same sentence, and I’m sure it makes Mike Marino and Donovan McNabb fans upset when the INFL crew is so racist that they showcase the performances of two white QBs like that. Best of all, we’ll get an interview with Chad Pennington to discuss his amazing third or fourth comeback and the play-off bound (for about another week) New York non-vaGiants. I know you’re chomping at the bit, and so was I, so let’s get on with the good times!

The Round Table convenes and Bob Costas wants to hear a little speculation. This is going to be good, cause everyone likes to speculate. That’s how Benjamin Franklin invented the lightning bolt! So they start out talking about how if the Bears meet the Colts in the Superbowl, no matter who loses, a black head coach will have won their first Superbowl ever. Then all the guys talk about what an amazing accomplishment this would be (even though neither of those teams is going to the Superbowl) and Cris Carter is the only one who actually has something interesting to say when he mentions that it’s really all for naught until there are black owners. I have to agree, and then maybe we could have our damned celebrations back. Seriously, something like 80% of the fans are in favor of on-field celebrations, but all these owners can think about seems to be that their granddaughters might have sex with The OC or TO if they don’t somehow take the emphasis off of them! Meanwhile, Joe Simpson is out trying to hook Tony Romo up with Jessica and I’m sure Jerry Jones is ready to spring for the nuptials. Racists! Carter then goes on to say that if he were an owner, he’d hire Bill Belichek. Make of it what you will.

Bears @ vaGiants
Our first SIS of the week and check it out, Ed Motherfuckin’ Hercules is in the house(I’m the first person I ever heard call him Hercules, so I’m taking credit, cause I’m funnier than you)! Yep, they featured the referees. Could you imagine if baseball did this with the Umps? Those guys already think the fans come to see them. I fear The Blind Conglomerate of Retired Judges may suffer the same fate. It’s already a yellow ticker tape parade on most fields, most Sundays, now they’re gonna start dancing. In the actual game, the vaGiants were signing defensive linemen at the gate and it showed in the second half, when Rex Grossman solidified himself as the next Otto Graham, or at least Jim Harbaugh. Mark my words, people, he’ll never melt down again. Am I the only person who believes that if you give up a TD on a field goal return to a team that has pulled off the same thing within the last decade, you should have to forfeit your season?

Back at the round table, Chris Collinsworth makes a crack about how he hates any ref more built than him and I’m just going to go ahead and leave that softball right up there in the zone for you to do with as you please. Costas asks the group who they would take at QB for their imaginary franchise out of the 2004 QB class? Marino says he likes all three, but that based on what he’s accomplished Dan loves Big Gay Ben. Dan loves Big Gay Ben. Chris Collinsworth says they all give him whiplash with their up and down play, and I have to wonder if you can blame the QB when his idiot coach only calls 13 passing plays against the Ravens? Fucking bullshit, Worthless takes BGB too and re-earns his nickname all in the same breath. Carter says he would have taken BGB before the motorcycle accident (That apparently left him with some sort of brain damage), but now he’d take Rivers based on his pre-NFL track record and the fact that he’s working with one of the worst receiving corps in the league. I take umbrage at that remark, but Carter did ultimately pick Rivers so he’s something less than a complete retard.

Saints @ Steelers
Bush scored another TD, vaulting himself back into the rookie of the year competition. To no avail, the Steelers hand the Saints their second defeat in three games, and I have to say, I’ve seen this collapse before. Of course, 8-8 in the NFC will probably be good enough to keep the Superbowl dreams alive.

Bolts @ Bengals
There isn’t much to say about this one that hasn’t been said. We got a lot of highlight love, though I could have done with a little less Chad Johson, but we have no one to blame except ourselves for that. It seems I don’t have to be hung-over to get a little teary eyed over TBE highlights. And viewing footage of Philip Rivers yelling, “You thought it was over!” to the Bengals fans puts the young man on pace, in this very early point in his career, to be one of my favorite Charger QBs ever. Of course, just showing up vaults you to #3, so we’ll have to wait and see how high he can go.

Jets @ Pats
Way to fumble the ball, Scott Mitchell. No tuck rule for you! You better be careful or the paid sports guys will start calling Rex Grossman Joe Montana.

Marino and Carter now share their thoughts on the upcoming Superbowl #2 between the Bolts and the Shit Ponies. Carter comes out firing with a gem about TBE being the most underrated player in the league. Okay, I firmly believe that you can never shower TBE with enough love, but even I won’t go as far as to say that he just can’t get his props. Tomlinson gets a ton of love for a southwest coaster, and after we win the Superbowl, I imagine the league will start referring to itself as Just a Bunch of Guys Who Can’t Hold TBE’s Jock. Marino says that if Plummer makes too many turnovers the Chargers win. There he goes with his wishy washy predictions. I guess both guys say they like the Chargers here, but the only reason I can tell is because Worthless calls them both crazy and picks Denver to win. Ass.

Costas interviews Chad Pennington. Of that much I’m certain. I really want to tell you what was said, but I swear to God this conversation put me to sleep. Chad’s voice puts me to sleep. His dull clichés put me to sleep. Even his fucking highlights put me to sleep. He’s like that little glowing butterfly from the commercials.

When we get back to the boys, Carter who apparently referred to Chadwick’s arm as a squirtgun, refuses to stop talking shit. And I don’t mind, because Pennington sucks. They ponder what the problem is for Brady in Foxboro. I have to laugh because lot’s of QBs lose two games without the whole world analyzing their problems. I don’t mind though because Brady is a pretty boy douche bag, and he can go crying home to Jeter for all I care. Fuck you, Derek Jeter! Could you imagine that pairing? It’d be like a modern day Romeo and Juliet!

Redskins @ Eggles
Now for SIS #2, and this one is chock full of chunky goodness. Momma McNabb is in the house! This episode is killing me. Honestly, bring back Tiki Barber, I’m begging! I would say I hate these stupid stories, but you know as soon as I do they’ll trot out Philip Rivers’ Granddad or Terrence Kiel’s respiratory specialist for an inside look. So, instead I’ll just say I hate Campbell’s Chunky Soup after this one. And if you want to know what they said about the life of Momma McNabb, turn in your remote, because your football fanning sucks!

King’s Corner! King’s Corner! Party Time! Excellent!
This week Peter is pissed off about draft day report cards that come out the day after the draft. You see, any good idiot will tell you that drafts take years to mature like a fine wine (Fuck you, Dr. Z, your picks are for shit!). Apparently, back in 2004, everybody (on the east coast, I assume) thought that New York had totally put one over on the Chargers when they gave up a whole bunch of picks for that shitbrick ShEli Manning. Now, King says, that the deal might some day shape up to be a latter day Hershel Walker fiasco. Well, Mr. King, your cookie is in the mail. Ha ha, vaGiants! Peter King said you stupid. Then Petey starts talking about the NFL network and big games that I won’t be able to see because Time Warner Cable sucks a turd, and I start to get angry but then my eyes start to glaze over cause I could give a shit. Portis is put on IR, and now there is officially no reason to watch the Redskins unless you’re all fired up to see what Jason Campbell can do, but I care less about him than his Chunky Soup. Testeverde is the new third stringer in Beantown, and I swear to God that guy has dirty pictures of everybody. Herm Edwards is going to start Trent Green this week and Larry Johnson better look out, cause I hear Priest Holmes is on the mend. Thank you, Peter King, you bring calm to a crazy world.

Rams @ Hawks
Josh Brown has a problem with the Rams. He hates these Rams! Stay away from these Rams!

Packers @ ViQueens
Brett Favre smells the play-offs and I can’t even convince myself they’re not the best team in the NFC.

Retard Face-off (Is that, I don’t know, not PC?)
This week Carter is firing off questions to Worthless and Marino. Is that even fair. I mean, Marino is marginally more likeable I suppose, but Worthless looks like he should be kind of smart. We’ll find out.
1) Is the Charger D good enough for the Superbowl?
Dan sites their many off-field problems involving police shootings, cough syrup and steroids, and proceeds to not ever answer the question. Dan talks an awful lot about consistency, and it’s nice to hear that he practices what he preaches.
Worthless says that the Bolts are good enough to beat Indy, and I’m not sure that’s an answer either, but I’m just happy that people are talking about us.
2) What’s with Mike MarinoVick?
Worthless points out that Vick and the Falcons collapsed in the second half last year as well, and that they fall apart if they go behind early in a game.
Dan says Vick and the other players have a problem being consistent. See?
Carter says Vick is carnival folk, with his small hands and such.
I say…well, you know what I think.
3) What’s up with Joe Gibbs?
Dan says that Joe Gibbs future here depends on what goes down with Jason Campbell, and Worthless says the whole deal is about 50/50, but that Gibbs doesn’t want to do a rebuilding thing. I’m not sure what he’d be rebuilding, but I am pretty sure that both of these ass holes just ducked another question.
4) This is their usual ha ha, self deprecating bullshit question and I went to the bathroom, cause I didn’t get it or care or whatever. I’m just thinking the same thing you’re thinking. Are we done with this shit yet?

Ravens @ Racists
McNair and the Ravens stormed the beaches of Tennessee and gave those Nazis the smackdown they deserved!

Browns @ Falcons
The Browns may be a little better than people are giving them credit for. Just kidding, those losers couldn’t even score 5 touchdowns when they played the Bolts. Come on, at least try to make it a game! Vick sucks, though.

So, everybody but Costas’ kid picks the Ravens over the Falcons and I didn’t even know the Falcons were racist, but then I remembered they have a white defensive end and that is totally unacceptable to Ray Lewis. Everybody says this could be the week the Colts are defeated and then they all pick the Colts to win. Awesome. Carter and Marino pick the vaGiants over the Jags, but I see here that the Jags are in the AFC, so even though I hate the Jags, Carter and Marino are stupid.

Say Something!

Marino- Two San Diego QBs, Drew Brees and Philip Rivers, will meet in the Superbowl. Get your own material, Dan! That’s my shit right there!

Worthless- Football needs an official scorer like in baseball, because QBs should not be saddled with an INT when their receivers decide to play volleyball out there. I like this idea, but Carter actually makes a good point and asks whether QBs should get the yards when their receivers catch a shitty pass. Well done Carter, I think that was two rational thoughts tonight. You’re on fire!

Costas- Detroit vs. Arizona. Costas hasn’t been this excited since Star Jones left the view. Ha ha. Don’t look at the flower on his lapel, it’ll shoot water in your eye!

Carter- Ohio St. by 3 on Saturday, then they come back and clobber the Arizona Cardinals on Sunday. And then there’s that.

That’s it. Three hours later and I’m done. I hope you appreciate what I do for you people. And for those of you that don’t, here’s a little something for you.

Go Bolts!!!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Check Me Out! I'm Mailing It In!

Considering the fact that I have no intention of watching that pile of shit they try to pass off as a highlights and analysis show over on HBO, I guess I will at least go ahead and finally make good on my promise to say a little something about that little footballing contest that occured between my glorious San Diego Chargers and the unfortunate Cincinnatti Bengals.

I have a soft spot in my heart for this game for a very special reason. It made me look like a freaking genius! I mean, that game and the way I totally called it are the only reason I didn't cut myself from the program earlier today. Let's hit on some of the important points of genius I displayed, shall we:

1) Chad Johnson will tear into our decimated defense. That wasn't too hard to call, but do you all remember how I've been saying since the Ravens game that any team with a decent O-line and and a strong passing game will have a field day with us*? Look, I don't mean to say I 'm happy to be right about this one, I'm just saying I told you so. Anyone who claims not to enjoy saying 'I told you so' is a fucking liar, and it is perfectly acceptable to punch such people in the face in lieu of a verbal reply. Seriously, go ahead and try it, and when the jury doesn't convict you-cause no jury would-I'll be waiting outside the courthouse to say I told you so. Anyhow, let's hope that Wade takes heed of this little warning of a game and comes up with a tourniquet for that badly hemorrhaging secondary.

2) The Chad Johnson thing won't matter because the Bolts are gonna go all Air Coryell on Cincy. No offense to Drew Brees, who did some fine things here, but isn't it nice to have a QB who is able to see more than 11 or 12 yards down the field? I know a lot of you in fantasy football world are bummed that Anotonio Gates is about as valuable as your average LJ Smith or Heath Miller these days, but you should have grabbed Marques Colston. I swear the reason that guy gets a TE designation on yahoo fantasy is because Drew Brees is his QB. I still love Gates, and nobody gets those tough first downs, but our young receivers are solid, and we finally have a guy who can showcase their potential. By the way, since I'm tooting my own horn here, kindly remember that after the first or second game of the year I posited that Malcolm Floyd was the real deal in that bunch**. Had himself a fine little day receiving, didn't he?

3) You will have fun watching this game. And maybe a heart attack. Check and check. Okay, so prediction one plus prediction two essentially equals prediction three, but it totally ties the whole thing together and since I suck at predicting games this season, I'm going to go ahead and take any instance of being right and run like the wind with it.

"But Colossus," you're probably saying, "you missed the biggest prediction of all. You never mentioned LaDainian Tomlinson going off for four TDs against the Bengals." To this I say, good point and go fuck yourself. I've only been calling the gut The Best Ever for, like two years now so it should be a foregone conclusion that I expect him to score four or five TDs in every game. So there, as you can see, I pretty much wrote that game down on a postcard and mailed it to the commisioner early last Friday. How kick ass am I? Send me money. Go Bolts!!!

* If you don't remember me predicting that, go check the archives, ass faces.

** Seriously, I'm not going to go check them for you. Get onit, lazy bastards!

The Cut.

Let’s get right to who’s on the bubble, shall we? It’s me. I’m in danger of getting cut for not having posted word one on that ridiculous Charger game on Sunday. Sure, I’ve been monumentally hung-over for the last two days. Absolutely, I’ve been worked like a dog by my employers. But excuses are like ass-holes; I have two. Rest assured, I will touch on that game in great detail, hopefully later today. And not only did I bone out on the Chargers, I totally pied out on putting up a midseason report card. Of course, I was going to grade every team until I actually took a good look at them. Wow, you grade that mess. Anyway, you have my sincerest apologies and it probably won’t happen again. I hope Holly Valance (above) helps to ease your pain.

So, who get’s the real cut? Dan Dierdorf, that’s who. Awe, screw it, announcers in general. Now, I know I’m not being terribly original here, but I haven’t really ever touched on it in this forum. It’s sad that the announcers have become such shills for the NFL product. If they're not interviewing celebrities, they’re upholding the NFL's moral code. This became apparent when Joe Buck decided to apologize to all of us impressionable football fans for Randy Moss’ gross display at Lambeau field a couple of years back. Up yours, Joe Buck, you have no right to your job. Apologize for that, ass wad! But, Dierdorf, during the Chargers game, was out of control. If you would have told me that an ex-football player from the 1970s would be calling for fines and suspensions over a play like that, I would have called you face!

I’ll be the first to admit, when I saw that guy from the Bengals (Geathers?) lay out Trent Green a couple months back, my initial reaction was something along the lines of, “Wow, they’re allowed to kill people now?” But after viewing the footage eighty bazillion times, I came to the same conclusion as most people who know anything about football did. If anything, Geathers was trying to avoid killing Green. Sure, he was there to lay the wood to him, but it could have been savage if Geathers hadn’t tried to let up some. The only thing wrong with McCree’s hit on Houshmanzedah was that it was early. Really early. But that happens in football. Now the NFL will fine him, and they’ll be able to say, “What? Even Dan Dierdorf said he was head hunting.” And people will buy that bullshit, because most people are too stupid to realize that just because some other idiot is willing to pay him, it doesn’t mean that Dan Dierdorf isn’t distracted by shiny things.

In summation, fuck you NFL and your network fluffers! I’m onto your hypocrisy. You ask for the intensity, the size and the big hits and in turn you penalize the very things you covet. And now you have your network stoolies like Buck and Dierdorf selling your bullshit to the masses, but I’ know better. Of course, if you gave me an option where I could just hear the sounds of the game with absolutely no color or commentary whatsoever, I might be willing to stand idly by and let you get away with it. What’s that you say? There is such an option? Oh right, but who can afford a ticket?

Friday, November 10, 2006

What's To Suck This Week?

I was going to lead off with a picture of Brooklyn Decker, the hot SI swimsuit model who does a weekly picks segment with Dr. Z over at, but girl is seriously fug in her still photos. So here is Miss Britain 2006 instead. Enjoy.

Now for picks. Why do I even bother any more? I had about two picks right last week. Now the byes are over and that just means a couple more games for me to be absolutely baffled by. Suck me, football. Do with these picks what you may.

KC @ Miami
This is what I love about football odds makers. They are as flabbergasted by this season as I am. On the merit of crushing the Bears last week, the Dolphins are only one point dogs to the Chiefs. I can’t be wrong on this one, can I? Besides, Damon Huard is a spectacular talent that miraculously went undiscovered for 9 years in the NFL, or some such bullshit.
Chiefs 32, Dolphins 17

Houston @ Jacksonville
Sorry Texans, you get no such love for hanging in there with the Giants. You’re about to be crushed by the Jags in the eyes of Vegas. I’m going to help you out, though, by picking the Jags to dominate. They love proving to me that they don’t even know what the fuck they are.
Jags 28, Texans 14

San Diego Super Chargers @ Cincy
This will be the game where Chad Johnson gets to say “I told you so” as he rips our decimated defense to the tune of 9 catches for 175 yards and 2 TDs. Too bad it’s all for naught as the Chargers go all Air Coryell on the Bengals. Mark my words, you will have fun watching this game. And maybe a heart attack.
Bolts 35, Bengals 31

Cleveland @ Atlanta
If Atlanta is smart and goes back to not letting Mike Marino throw the ball at any cost their running attack should gash the Browns for about 6000 yards. The question is, is Atlanta smart? I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt, even though I don’t want to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Falcons 27, Browns 16

Baltimore @ Tennessee
Fuck you, Baltimore, I hate you! But I want you to keep winning, cause we need another crack at you silly bitches. You know we outplayed you. Whores!!!
Ravens 20, Titans 9

Buffalo @ Indy
Buffalo handled Brett Favre. People used to talk about Brett Favre like they talk about Girl’s Name now. Maybe…Nope. Too much of a stretch. Losman!
Colts 28, Bills 13

New Orleans @ Pitt
Seriously, everybody, Pittsburgh sucks. Stop giving them any credit. They are the badness. New Orleans may be in the NFC, but they’re going to the Superbowl and certainly that makes them good enough to beat the lowly, sickly Steelers, so stop giving them points.
Saints 24, Steelers 17

Washington @ Philly
Well, well, well NFC East. Don’t you stink up the joint these days? People shouldn’t even have to pick these games anymore. Both of these teams blow and I traded Clinton Portis in my fantasy league so I’m just going to throw out some made up shit here.
Eggles 11ty-4, Skins At least 7 less than that.

Green Bay @ Minnesota
Well, well, well NFC North. Doesn’t the NFC East look down its nose at you? Losers. Watching this game will kill you.
Minnesota 3. Green Bay 3

New York Jets @ New England
Something tells me that Scott Mitchell turns back into Joe Montana this week, but I still don’t think the Pats cover 10.5. What fun to watch a game where the only two players you’ve heard of are the QBs.
Pats 24, Jets 22

Santa Clara @ Detroit
It baffles me that NBC didn’t move this Clash of the Titans to 5:30. Both of these teams are playing for pride. That’s fucking bullshit!
Lions 30, Niners 13

Oakland @ Denver
Denver has been running up points the last couple weeks which leads to them giving 10 to the Raiders. Watch them lay down in Oakland and barely eek this one out. But why not? What’s the danger of not trying when the other team doesn’t even bother to field an offense. That’s a tiny fucking hat, Shell.
Shit Ponies 10, Raiders 0

Sweet Lou @ Seattle
It really comes down to who doesn’t want to win this division more. My money’s on the Rams, who decided that a 4-1 start pretty much proved their point, and who likes overkill anyway?
Hawks 29, Rams 25

Dallas @ Arizona
Makes you wonder what Dallas was looking ahead to last week, doesn’t it?
Cowgirls 38, Birds 15

Chicago @ New York Giants
Who will be King of the Crap Heap? Doesn’t matter, Drew Brees is going to kick all your asses. That’s fucking destiny’s team! They survived a hurricane for cryin’ out loud! I hope both of these teams lose. Twice.
vaGiants 24, Bears 17

Tampa @ Carolina
Okay, Panthers, time to stop making everybody look so stupid and step up your game a bit. The Bucs should be good for that. Right? Right?
Panthers 27, Bucs 14

Girl’s name is even on my damn radio! Right now! As I type this. What an ass bag. He should buy me something. Anyway, those are my picks. Feel free to laugh and point if you see me walking down the street.

Check in this weekend. If I’m not to drunk or hungover, I may sneak in a mid-season report card for all or some of the NFL teams. I probably won’t, but you won’t know if you don’t check. Asses*. Go Bolts!!!

*Sorry for being so surly, it’s been a long week. Jerk faces.

I Totally Saw That!

They showed it during the pregame show. Oh, Brushback, you guys are the bestest ever!

The Quick Hits...

Okay, it’s time to bring the awesome. I’ve suffered enough indignation of late to not be able to stand for it a minute longer. I’ve been accused of a lot of awful things in my life, some of which were deserved, some of which were merely circumstance of a Jaegermister Bud Light induced stupor and some of which were just plain unfair. UNFAIR! I did in no such way prevent Mr. Douchey here (a.k.a. Max Colossus) from meeting the gloriousness of Lady Chargers, in fact I even extended an opportunity for the potential rendezvous with Pom Poms. Yet, my mere presence is not anchovies on a hook to tuna in this case and my attempt was resoundly and righteously declined. I’d have done the same had the roles been reversed, yet I will stand and defend myself against such allegations that I never intended to facilitate a meetup. I’ve done my best, it’s not my fault that I happened on incredible luck and Mr. Douchey did not. Get Luckier Fuck Ass... try something different like stroking a rabbit’s foot for a change. On to the randomness that is the Quick Hits...Middle Finger Edition...

-I’d like to extend my middle finger to The Murdering Crows for potentially angering the Saber Toothed Kitty Kats last weekend. The sound pummeling they handed out surely has made the Kitty Kats crazy like a 35 year old single female in Southern California. We need to watch our backs this weekend boys...

-I’d also like for the Lambs of Missouri to share the delight of my middle finger this fine Veteran’s Observation Day. If you had managed to not cough up piggy three times in the first half maybe you would have made it a game against the Squaws and helped turn our division into a two team race. But alas, the Lambs are still a festering 107 degree portapotty of a football program. Eat Balls Leonard Little you failed two time murderer.

-Middle Finger of the Week Award- To all of the major corporations that employ our finest citizens for not observing Veteran’s Day on an 80 degree November Friday in San Diego. You are all Communist Nazi Terrorist Freedom Killers. These guys will fill you in.

-Middle Finger of the Month Award- To the local establishment that will remain nameless (for now) that we around here frequent for the footballing glory of the Bolts. A San Diego icon has been reduced by mongoloid dipshit bonerfaces into a Bronco rallying site. WARNING TO MANAGEMENT: This trend of flying Donkey flags and volume for their games while wearing your Bolt Jerseys is beyond intolerable. I will have my vengeance upon thee. It will involve duct tape, super glue, poo and flames, and that’s just before breakfast. You will suffer, this promise I make to you. You will remain unlinked for now. DO NOT FORCE MY HAND!!!

-A Note to Chris Carter:

Dear Mr. Carter,

Fuck You.

My Middle Finger.

Mr. Fuckwipe declared during that shitbox hour masquerading as football knowledge on HBO that the Chargers are chasing the Blow Job Horses for first place in the AFC West. And here I sit in all of my ignorance thinking that race was tied. To then hitch your hoopty to the Boltmobile with your “Kryptonite to Older Homo Quarterback’s Superman” comment does not redemption make. You’ll always be Montana’s bitch.

-Places my middle finger likes this one, this guy, and this brilliance.

-A Wholehearted Middle Finger extends itself to the Donkey Bitches that are still hanging on to the years that were Elway. How dare you come at me with an Elway jersey on with your pork flavored hot shit breath after you dumped to the better Pony squad? You are lucky you are only getting a middle finger, hamburger tits.

Well, that felt good. My finger is sore. It has been whored out quite well this morning. Let’s Go Bolting shall we?!!!!!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Nougaty raider Goodness

I'm not going to lie, I caught this off of With Leather, by way of Gorilla Mask. Good, good stuff.

It's Only Football. Take It Like A Man!

I'm not going to pretend the above picture of Elisha Cuthbert is even remotely football related. Does that make you sad?

There’s some added pressure on me to write this Inside The…I Got Nothin’ summary this week. My esteemed colleague, CJ, sat down and watched the craptastic four with me this time around and has threatened to write his own piece covering anything I miss. This is because he is a loser who is not creative enough to come up with his own topics to write about here. He is also an ass-faced ass who has never introduced me to any Chargers cheerleaders he used to work with. The problem is two-fold, however. First, this episode might have been the most mind-numbing installment in the history of the program. Second, my brain had a very weak signal last night and I was having a ridiculous time trying to process the carnage on the screen. But one must perservere, even through the worst of the bad times, so on with the show!

As is normally the case we are initially given one last warning as to what we will be subjected to in the hour to come if we do not bail out now and watch some Scrubs or Seinfeld reruns on some other channel. This week we will revisit some of the many upsets from this past weekend, we will discuss the fall of the defending Superbowl champs, we’ll talk about the frustration of The OC (Ocho Cinco, if you weren’t here last week (Chad Johnson, if you weren’t here the week before)), Peter King will sit down with Rex Grossman to find out why Grossman hates fantasy football, and to add insult to injury, the boys bring in one more idiot, Lewis Black, to show us how he watches football while he’s on the road yelling at people until they promise to laugh if he will just let the children go.

We start off with the Round Table discussing the things they know now that the season has officially reached the halfway point. Marino finally concedes that the Steelers are done, but if you think you’ve heard the last of that, stay tuned because denial is a long, long river. He also says the Dolphins are done, but if you’re getting paid for this sort of observation you should have known that at the quarter post. Dan does hit on one good point that of course is also apparent to half the nation, the NFC sucks. Well, he says it’s a good time to be a mediocre NFC team. Translation, the NFC sucks. Carter says Colston, not Bush is the rookie of the year, and I’m pretty sure that hasn’t been in doubt since about week three, so thanks Cris. Chris Collinsworth points out the way the league has driven itself towards the individual (Read: Wide Receivers), and I have to agree that it is lame, but I’m not sure what that has to do with it being the halfway point of the season. I guess, like, expect that trend to continue for the rest of the season? Whatever, slow brain. Chris Collinsworth also points out the surprising way teams like the Saints and the Jets have firmly entrenched themselves in the playoff race and I’m all, “Yeah those teams have totally done that, except for the Jets who suck!” Nice one Chris Collinsworth, maybe if there were about six wildcards for the AFC.

Check it, we’re going right to the big game, Superbowl XLMLMCHAMMER!!! That’s right, first up on the highlight reel is, of course, the Undefeated Super Horses (Sorry Broncos!) at the Oh How The Mighty Have Fallen Ex-Patriots. Two things we can take from this game. Tom Brady, you will now be referred to as Scott Mitchell, cause Joe Montana never would have done those things you done did. Peyton Manning has finally proven he can win the big one that isn’t really a big one at all. See you in the playoffs, loser!

The Round Table reconvenes and Costas baits everyone by asking if the road to the Superbowl goes through Indy now. Chris Collinsworth throws it back in his face and says that the Colts run D sucks balls and there are too many good running teams in the AFC (Read: Chargers). He even criticizes Bill “The Genius” Belichek for a miserable game plan against the Colts. I may never besmirch Chris Collinsworth’s name again. Marino points out that Chris Collinsworth said the Pats would blow out the Colts, but what he is really saying is, “Look everybody; someone else was wrong for a change!” Carter has the real gems here, though. First he claims that Bob Sanders getting healthy is the best defensive adjustment the Colts have made this season, and I’ll just go ahead and let you chew on that for a while. Then he claims that the Colts pursuit of a perfect season will help them in the post-season this year, while in the same breath acknowledging that the same pursuit last year hurt them. You been taking pointers from Dantana Marinara, there Crisco? Ultimately, Costas goes AWL WINS on Girl’s Name and says that now that he can win the “big” game, he is an unstoppable force, and everyone agrees, but they don’t seem all that sure (Read: Chargers).

Here comes your first SIS of the week. The NFL, apparently trying to shore up its reputation on all fronts, puts the boys at NFL Films to the task of making cheerleaders unsexy. That’s right, instead of trotting out those two hot rug munchers from Carolina, they decide to showcase the Baltimore Ravens' oldest cheerleader. Don’t get me wrong, she’s hot for a MOTHER OF THREE. Fuck you, NFL! I want my cheerleaders dirty, just like everyone else. Jokes on you, though, I have no moral compass, and I was having dirty thoughts the whole time. Dirtier than usual in fact, just to stick it to ya! Anyway, Old mom cheerleader assures us the girls know plenty about football, but I will continue to believe they’re not that bright, cause it’s hotter and it’s true. But even they can tell that the Ravens pissed off the Bengals for us, but they still suck.

Now Chris Collinsworth, Damn Marino (Sweet, right?) and Dumb Carter (Eh?) talk about the character issues in Cincy, and they all defend Marvin Lewis cause he’s nice and a minority coach (Read: Beyond reproach) and say that they had to reach for poor character guys since no one else would ever go to Cincinnati, and I can’t really argue with that. Everybody rightfully picks the Chargers to beat up on the Bengals this weekend, because we exude quality moral attributes like no other team in the league. Rockin’.

Green Bay at Buffalo
Favre handled this bad team to the tune of like a thousand yards. Too bad each textbook drive was capped off with a textbook mistake. Retire, ass hole! Losman apparently threw a TD in this game. I did not know that. It was one of those old Drew Brees deals where the receiver has to stand there like he’s waiting for a bus til the ball comes, then he runs the last five yards for the score. Air Coryell it was not. Losman!

Dolphins at Bears
Have you ever seen a game that sucked for both teams more? The Bears have to wonder about their QB of the foreseeable future now that he’s melted down twice in the last three weeks against some seriously shitty teams, and the Dolphins have to admit to their fans that while they may enjoy some exciting spoiler football for the rest of the season, they will not reach the post-season because they were too stupid to pull Culpepper before he sunk them but good. Snip, snip Saban, you’re on the block, no matter what they say.

King’s Corner! King’s Corner! Party time! Excellent!
This week Peter King goes to Chicago to ask Lovie Smith if he was considering pulling the plug on Rex Grossman after another poor performance against Miami. Those of you who thought that Lovie would take this opportunity to put his young quarterback on notice in front of a national audience were wrong. Lovie inexplicably says he’s sticking with the kid, but he will not be voting for him for the Pro Bowl. King then asks Grossman how he intends to deal with his two horrible games and he throws out some clichés about learning experiences or some such nonsense, but what he really meant to say was, “Up yours, King! I’ll come over there and knock your snaggleteeth through the back of you head!” To which Peter would have no doubt replied, “Please don’t hurt me, Rex! They told me if I kept tossing softball questions to my guests, they’d send me back to the studio with Dan and Cris!” Peter then runs down the injuries on the Giants for this weeks game. Amani Toomer’s out. Three defensive ends are out. Utilitarian linebacker Brandon Short is out. The word “utilitarian” is totally applicable there, but it still makes Brandon Short sound like a Nazi. Costas asks King why NFL Commisioner Roger Goodell didn’t suspend Tyler Brayton for kneeing Jerramy Stevens in the nuts? King says it’s cause Stevens was an instigator earlier in the game, but I think it’s cause he spells Jeremy, Jerramy, and that doesn’t make any sense at all. Costas asks why they weren’t both suspended and King says because Goodell wanted to keep with the disciplinary procedures Paul Taglibue put in place. Um, didn’t King say that Goodell suspended Albert Haynesworth or somebody like that because he wanted to separate his policies from those put in place by Tagliabue. I’m too lazy to look it up. But I’m sure I put that in one of my previous summaries, so if you’re bored…

The boys back in the studio feel the Bears, who two weeks ago were at the top of everyone’s power rankings and giving the ’85 version a run for their money, will fall to the banged up Giants. It doesn’t really even matter though, does it? I mean, we can all agree that the NFC is like the NIT of the NFL, right?

Here’s a segment about the smartest and dumbest predictions that the guys have made so far this season. Now, you would probably think I would love this, but it went so fast I really couldn’t keep up, what with my slow brain and all. And once again, fuck your Tivo. All I can remember is that the Steelers made Danny look stupid at least three times and Chris Collinsworth said that the Lions D would be solid. If you really want, go back and check the archives, I’m pretty sure I’ve documented every stupid thing these dumbshits have uttered so far this year.

Falcons at Detroit
Roy Williams is miked up, and I’ve got to wonder if these players lobby for that shit, because the Lions suck. At least they did until Mike Marino came to town. What goes up must come down. Also, Chad Johson must be pissed about now, cause Roy Williams made DeAngelo Hall his lady in this game. And speaking of ladies, Roy Williams wants you all to know he’s got a little somethin’ somethin’ for you as he obsesses over his size 16 shoes to the tune of at least three mentions in this segment. You go, Roy Williams. Seriously, go.

Dallas @ Redskins
Seemingly a big rivalry game with some possible playoff implications, but I can’t for the life of me think of anything interesting that happened.

Retard Face-off!
Weird one this week. Marino asks the questions, and Costas and Chris Collinsworth portray the retards. This should be interesting.
1) Is TO overrated?
Costas - Slightly overrated do to his dropping of big passes. Well, yeah, that’s true. Touché Bob.
Chris Collinsworth - TO is incredible because he’s been able to neuter Parcells. Sorry, Chris Collinsorth, I believe it’s Jerry Jones working those snippers.
2) If you could make one move on one football team what would it be?
Costas - The Eagles should give the ball to Brian Westbrook more. I’m starting to wonder if Bob even watches football anymore. At least he didn’t say Reno Mahe needs more touches. You know, just because he likes variety?
Chris Collinsworth - Completely ignoring the one team-one move portion of the question, Chris Collinsworth feels that Big Gay Ben and Rex Grossman (Rex is also kind of a gay name, to be honest) should be put on pitch counts. I wouldn’t let either one of these ass hats touch my football right now. That’s right, I actually prefer Charlie Batch and Brian Griese if I’m a coach right now. Of course, Cowher would never do that. How long did he let Cordell Stewart dress up in quarterback clothes for?
Marino can’t keep his mouth out of a retard showdown and says that the Bears should just let Grossman go bombs away for some reason or another. I mean, he still has never thrown FIVE interceptions in a game.
3) Should some, like kill the guy who came up with the John Mellencamp This is Our Country campaign?
Costas - We’ve struck a nerve! Costas loves, loves, loves Mellencamp, and is apparently distraught over the fact that one of his favorite songs has been so overplayed that people may never again be able to appreciate for the masterpiece it is.
Chris Collinsworth - Hell, it pays his salary, what does he care? Awesome, Chris Collinsworth, I’m starting to wonder if I ever actually hated your stupid face?
Personally, I think Mellencamp can suck it, because the only thing that ever made him cool was that he went by John COUGAR Mellencamp. You drop the cougar and I drop you, but I’m sure my mom enjoys your shit. Douche.

KC at St. Louis
How in the world do the Chiefs game plan three turnovers in the first half of every game? More teams should employ that strategy. It just makes sense.

Denver at Pitt
These guys did not make it to the Superbowl last year, did they? Well they certainly didn’t win the thing, right? Way to alligator arm that end zone dive Hines Ward. And Denver, don’t think I didn’t notice how you let this sorry team stick around for a long time Sunday. I can’t wait til the Bolts get a piece of you.

Marino still thinks that the Steelers are going to be a dangerous opponent for the rest of the season. Playing for pride, I guess? You all know how I feel about playing for pride. Everybody takes the Steelers to beat the Saints, and being that the Saints are an NFC team, I find it hard to argue. But I know something they don’t know. The Saints are going to the Superbowl, and Drew Brees is going to be a real bitch cause because he’ll be facing A.J. Smith’s Chargers. Carter and Costas take the Seahawks to beat the Rams, and ho-hum, who cares?

Here’s a list of things Lewis Black yells about in his feature:

Chris Henry
Ben Roethlissberger
Satellite TV
TV Graphics
Dan Marino on Nutrisystem

If you are interested maybe you can find it on youtube. Fuck Lewis Black, he sucks.

Say something!
Costas - The Minnesota vs. San Francisco game was unwatchable no matter who you are a fan of. I don’t know about that. I mean, I wouldn’t recommend it. Okay, totally unwatchable.

Carter - If Peyton Manning is Superman, then the San Diego Chargers might be Kryptonite in the playoffs. What?! Carter, just when I think you gone and said the stupidest thing you could ever say, you say something like this…and totally redeem yourself!!!

Marino - The Steelers will still make the playoffs. Ha ha, Dan, we get it. You’re an idiot. Let it go.

Chris Collinsworth - This will be the year we will see something new. Either a black coach, Marty Schottenheimer or Tom Coughlin will win the Superbowl. That’s an easy call Chris Collinsworth, I’ve been telling you all along who it is. Way to make those other guys feel included, though.

Sorry, Chargers, you didn’t make the highlight cut this week, because INFL had to make room for Green Bay-Buffalo and Lewis Black. I’m sure you understand. Go Bolts!!!