Saturday, December 29, 2007

And While We're at it...

College Football. I know. I know. This is a Charger place. Not a place for college football. But, I like football and I have something to say about something that I don't really know a whole lot about. This college football thing is interesting.

BCS? Totally unnecessary. Football rankings, sort of impossible especially in this age where everyone has a dog in the fight, well, maybe not until they reach the pro level but for example, the NBA, referrees betting on games. Much like steroids aren't solely baseball's problem, gambling isn't only going on in the NBA.

The regular season should mean something. If you have two loss teams battling it out to be number one, so be it. Football at the college level lately has been terrible. Watch one of the 32 or 89 bowl games whatever the number is and see. Everyone goes to a bowl. Everyone plays terribly in said bowl. Colt McCoy, I saw you fumble three times in your bowl game. Your BOWL GAME. Carpenter, ASU Quarterback, saw you fumble three times too. Your BOWL GAME. Number 6 on ASU, I don't know your name which is a possible impossibility, because you made the t.v. a ton by fumbling twice, one of which when the game was still close causing Texas to go in again and really put you to sleep. Punt returner for MSU? Don't know your name either, but you fumbled twice, fielding punts near or inside your own 10 yard line when your team was down a field goal against BC. BOWL GAME! Oregon State Maryland. That interception/fumble/fumble/punt series of possessions equals awesome football in your bowl game. Same goes for OSU's backup quarterback, the lefty, (Canfield? don't care to look any of this up it's college football) interception in the end zone from the 4 yard line. Bowl Game. And this UConn,Wake game. Fumble on the 2 yard line, score 10-7 UConn second half. Nice work Wake. Bowl Game. UConn way to follow up on that with a near safety/punt finish. Bowl Game. Good lord, it's like no one understands football anymore. And don't get me started on BC trying to air it out with an 11 point lead and 7 minutes to go in the 4th quarter of thier BOWL GAME!!!

I miss college.

I'm Givin' 'er All She Got Cap'n....

I meant to post this the other day, but unfortunately I fell asleep at work during the holidays and failed all of you faithful readers, but here I am back to the task ready to spew forth some wisdom. Sorry Max, but you are getting shoved down the page so that I may expound on this whole Denver and "Champ" thing...

Dear "Champ" Bailey,

It's not your fault. It's really not. I know that you are upset that a 'second tier' quarterback like Philip Rivers torched you like a home in Rancho Bernardo this past weekend. It's certainly not your fault that your mouse of a coach, no, rat, rat of a coach, Mike Shanahan, threw away your 2006 season, a season in which you only had 4 passes completed on you, by replacing the bearded wonder with Jay Cutler when you still had what some call "a shot" at the playoffs. It's certainly not your fault that most of your players were actually "shot" during the offseason, and your linebackers failed physicals and/or were traded as well. Jesus, have you seen the back of your helmet? It looks like a mortuary schedule board, and that was before they added Sean Taylor's number.

It's certainly not your fault that you have a running back that is better at toking the weed and impregnating women than he is at actually running the ball. It's not your fault he has more illegitimate children and suspensions than touchdowns,and that your offensive line is getting old and their cheating tactics are no longer tolerated. It's certainly not your fault that your quarterback might be the next coming of Brian Griese than John Horseface. And well, your punter. Your punter did steroids, pistol whipped and robbed an 96 year old lady after raping her, and single handedly sent the world spiraling into WWIII with his actions in Pakistan this week and got fired. Your new punter is awesome. I hope he gets a long term extension.

Nope "Champ". None of that is your fault. You are like the guy at the gym wearing jeans. The guy that asks you for a spot on every one of his 29 bench press sets, starting with the first one at 135 pounds, in jeans. "Hey bro. You think you can give me a spot on this?" Yeah, in jeans. That's you. Your mom named you "Champ", something you've never been, and you are talking shit about our quarterback talking shit as he was soundly defeating your "professional footballing squad" and I put that in quotes because that is the most recklessly I've ever used that term "professional footballing squad". If you don't like what Phillipe has to say, shut him up by bashing in his head after he completes another 32 yard pass to Chris Chambers on your "Champ" ass. Tell your mom that you actually hate her for titling you "Champ" and your brother "Boss". You both sound like characters in a gay porn movie starring two brothers that fuck each other to death. In jeans.

So, in conclusion "Champ". Shut the fuck up you sorry excuse for a cornerback. You and Dre Bly should go hang out where Darrent Williams got shot. Put on his jersey even, and hopefully the same gang that still hasn't been apprehended for his murder will put you out of your misery and your teammates helmets can look like a collage of the dead. Go to hell you pussy.



And.... hot chick.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Make Of It What You Will.

A lot of people in this town have been bitching about Philip Rivers' "antics" during the fourth quarter of the Christmas Eve game. Well, I say I'd much rather see him mix it up with and taunt the filthy Broncos than whine to the officials about bad calls (see earlier in the year). In my mind Philip made great strides in working his way back into my own personal good graces Monday night. According to this article, the players seem to be more than okay with his on-field attitude as well, but the Broncos sure sound like a bunch of whiny little girls.

It's Very Holiday Time... I don't really feel like doing or writing anything I don't have to. I'll likely get some token bullshit offering of my opinion on the Bolt-Broncs Christmas Eve schellacking up tomorrow, but for now here's some more awesome Carl goodness.

Friday, December 21, 2007

The Sickest Post Ever. Believe It!!!

I’m sorry for posting so sporadically this season. I mean, can you tell how sick of writing this bullshit I am? Can you really?! But screw it, I shall persevere. Today I’m going to go here with a bit of an old Quick Hits gem with a picks combo that’s sure to rattle your sack. Let’s begin.

1) It’s been a great source of entertainment for me to watch people trying to hawk their tickets to Monday night’s game between the Bolts and the Shit Ponies. People were seriously asking for waaay over face value. They’ve come back down to Earth at this point, and I honestly believe you could attend this game for a handful of those awful Circus Peanuts hard candies before all is said and done. Come on, I mean, yeah it’s the Chargers. And yeah, they need to keep winning to avoid Jacksonville and put off the Patriots as long as possible. But the Broncos are just not compelling enough competition at this point to warrant sitting in what passes for cold in San Diego on Christmas Eve for three+ hours. Could they beat us? Stranger things have happened. Do I care? I guess. Did I feel an extreme sense of relief when I did not win tickets to this game in a work raffle I entered this week only so I didn’t look like a poseur Bolts fan? You bet your asses I did.

2) NFL Live on ESPN dedicated no less than 15 minutes on Wednesday to the question, “Will the Dolphins rise up and upset the Patriots this week?” How it takes 15 minutes to say “no” outside of a drunken sexual encounter is beyond me. Well, the Dolphins are not really a first half of the season kind of team, and you can’t really say that the current Dolphins are much of a second half of the season kind of team. A last 3/16ths of a season team, though? Maybe.

3) Casual Charger fans are impossible. These are the people who have had season tickets ever since the glory days when Drew Brees took us to the playoffs three years ago. They know all the players names and they listen to Scott and B.R. on the radio, but they tend to be clueless in regards to the actual game of football. They sport LaDainian Jerseys and Lightning Bolt Beanies and they chug Miller Light and throw Drew Brees stats at you in the bar because you had the balls to fork over $40 bucks for a knock-off Rivers jersey and the fortitude to keep wearing it when the mere sight of yourself in the mirror makes you start to choke. They come to your office and they tell you how we’ve returned to total domination the day after the Bolts managed to pull their heads out of their asses for five minutes and beat what will likely be this year’s best team not to make the playoffs. Then when you say, “Hey, you know what? I was pretty happy with the way we decimated the Lions yesterday,” they start regurgitating back to you everything you’ve been telling them for weeks. “Rivers is too inconsistent at this point in his career to handle the offense Norv is trying to run.” “The O-line can’t handle a solid pass rush for some reason this year.” “I’m pretty sure I saw Quentin Jammer lift Brandon Marshall’s wallet on one play.” They say it like you’ve never mentioned it and it takes you a while to realize that Scott and B.R. must have mentioned it that morning. The only question is, “Who pointed it out to those guys?”

As for tomorrow’s game, I’m sure Shanahan would love to show the world he can still get it up as the sun begins to set on his career, but much like I’d like to prove I could ride a skateboard off a curb without breaking my hip these days, it ain’t happening people.
Bolts 38, Shit Ponies 20

Another reason to hate the Patriots? Sure, why not? They’re going to murder Flipper on Sunday. And Flipper was adorable. Now Zipper, that’s another story. He’s surly. Samkon Gado is no Zipper.
Pats 44, Fins 3

I take the Steelers over the Rams in last night’s game by a score of 41-24.

Browns roll Cincinnati because I just spelled their name wrong for the billionth time (thank you, spellcheck) 52-38

Giants beat Buffalo because new rookie QB Edwards is no better than old QB Losman 27-14.

Those are the only games I know of off the top of my head so that’s all you get.

BONUS CROTCHETY OLD MAN RANT: What the fuck is up with skinny jeans? Come on, white teenagers of America! You can do better than that. You look like a bunch of fags. Even the wiggas are laughing at you. Hmm, maybe I’m just jealous because I can’t wear them. As my good friend Erik pointed out to me in front of a classroom full of people in the eighth grade, I have a black man’s ass. It was traumatic at the time, then I felt blacktastic, and now it’s just sad.

No pictures, they take time and that sucks. I may post Christmas gifts this weekend so check back if you care. If I don't see you over the holiday it doesn't mean I don't like you, but it sure doesn't mean I do. Merry Christmas, losers. Go Bolts!!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

More Carl.

I hate to push CJ's post down the page like this, especially for something that is neither really football nor San Diego related, but hey, it's Carl. When you're done, be sure to keep scrolling.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Deetwah is French for Bad Football...

I've seen some pretty miserable things in my lifetime. Believe me the list is long and painful. So, as a result it's tough for me to get excited about certain things. Jagermeister Girls, no problem. High powered pressure hose in my pants. Detroit football squad, wow, not so much. Suday bred yet another page in the chapter that remains unfinished in this weird football season.

The game itself was merely a distraction from the holiday madness. Cheerleaders donned santa outfits which I find to be the absolute tits. LTD did what we all know he is routinely capable of and decided that 30 minutes of football was more than enough. To put into perspective how bad Detroit is, Darren Sproles who is about the same size as my 7 year old niece ran for better than 115 yards on 25 carries. What? The guy is a waterbug, shifty and running all on heart. He'd not start for any team in this league, and nearly found himself jobless at the start of the season. Against Detroit? He's a near fucking pro bowler. Sweet fucking Jesus who knew?

This is not to say that the Chargers didn't play well yesterday. They out executed the Motown Pussy Cats on both sides of the ball, and God clearly now hates both John Kitna and Kurt Warner. In fact, I think God would rather some people shut their fucking fat pie holes instead of singing his praises. He's God. He certainly doesn't need a washed up grocery bagger and a never was bible thumper throwing picks in his name. He's fucking God. I think he can handle his own publicity if he would like to. Everybody's got a blog, don't you think God could have one too if he so desired? Maybe John, God doesn't like you. Five picks? Christ man, maybe all of your prayin' is cutting into your practice time...

As it was so eloquently highlighted by Max here, and over at the suck start festival at the Union Trib, we're going to the fucking Super Bowl and no one can fucking stop the red rocket that is us. It's like a goddammed short bus full of retards over there flapping their face lips, and I swear if most of them bent over and took a violently audible shit, it would sound far more intellectual than the drivel actually coming out of their mouths. Believe me, this was a good win, but hey, how bout we save the dick sucking party until we beat somebody with a +.500 record?

I know, I know, pessimism reigns supreme over here yet again. I'm not trying to derail the train that is slowly inching it's way down the track. I feel good about the win. We destroyed an otherwise pathetic opponent. As we should have. So, we'll go ahead and win out, possibly even leapfrogging Pittsburgh in the process. And that's all so fucking great. I'm going to wait and see how the playoff business shakes out now that we've secured our spot. Are we going to win a game in the so called postseason? Who fucking knows? If you say you do, you are a fucking liar. You don't know. No one does. We'll have to wait and see. So if you all insist on continuing the fellatio parade, I'll be at the strip club lobbing dollar bills as recklessly as God's quarterback lobs footballs.

I will however get in line at the fellatio parade if the lovely what's her tits is the Grand Marshall...

Stop Hitting Yourself, Detroit!

I'm not even going to link Canepa's column today, because I can't bear to send any traffic his way, but suffice it to say that Norv Turner is completely vindicated in regards to his entire head-coaching career. And with that vindication comes the security of AJ Smith's overwhelming genius. Philip Rivers apparently had a "real good" day that wasn't helped by Antonio Gates dropping a pass in the end zone. Never mind that Gates was double-covered and has nothing to prove to anyone at this point in his career. A guy on the radio this morning pointed out how we are now the 3rd seed and if we keep that ranking we will likely play a game against Indy in the second round, which is a team we will very likely beat for some reason. Don't people realize that this is why our city is full of transplants that hate the Chargers and the Padres? Alas, most of them never really experienced the dominance of the Sockers.

All that being said, yesterday was a really fun day to be a Chargers fan. As our team kept up with it's time-honored tradition of kicking bad teams while they are down, one couldn't help but think that this team really could hang with the Colts or the Patriots. Hell, I know how drunk I was. Seriously, though, we could play with the big boys. For an undefeated team, the Pats haven't blown me away much over the last month. Indy has been scarier, and they're not even healthy, but for some reason Adam Vinitieri does not like to kick field goals against us. So we got that going for us. It doesn't really matter whether we can play with those teams or not, however, because we don't really have a choice. Those are likely the teams we're going to have to play. But keeping the 3rd seed is huge. I'll take a match-up versus Cleveland over Jax anyday. But let's get a couple things straight. Philip Rivers had a "real good" day yesterday because TBE lifted the team on his shoulders, as he is wont to do, and Norvindicated Turner didn't have to ask him to do much at all. And don't forget little Darren Sproles and his big-ole heart! Our defense and all-time Chargers record holders for INTs in a season Antonio Cromartie had a little something to do with the outcome as well. All in all, I relish the victory and for the first time this year, I have real hope. But I'm certainly not going to say that on the radio. God. Nice win, Go Bolts!!!

P.S. People at the game, stop texting me that I should be at the game. It's annoying.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Not Much, But It's Somethin'

I’m sorry. I’m lazy this year. Much like the Chargers appear to be kind of blah about the season, I’m pretty blah about this blog. That doesn’t mean, though, that I’m not going to come here every so often and post some such bullshit or what-have-you every week, cause that’s totally my ninja way. Just like the Chargers ninja way seems to be to march a team out onto the field each week and be just good enough to give me hope that we may not spend the next few years squandering away our young, exciting talent even if they have already promised to give Norv Turner another year, whether I like it or not. Next season bodes very well for us. The good news is that the Patriots brought in no less than four big-time free agents before the season and AJ Smith has referred to the Patriots as an organization he tries to model us after. So while prior to this year, we shunned big-time free agents-much like the Patriots of years past-we might actually throw our hat into the ring for some huge and even not so historically “low-key” guys. Can you say Chad Johnson, anybody? It could happen. We’re going to be $30 million under the cap with all our best guys signed. The only money we’ll probably spend in house is some sort of monster contract extension for Cromartie, and I don’t think that’s going to piss anybody off. The bad news is that AJ will probably get into a bidding war with the league to bring The Burner back because he warms our bench so well, and given one more year I’m sure Norv can find a way to play him more. Just kidding, The Burner’s history. But say hello to Chad Johnson and whatever stud MLB is out there. You heard it here first.

“So what about this season?” I hear you saying. Well, this season is looking like a resounding success, of course. Not really, but after Denver all but threw away any hope of snatching the division from us last night (despite us doing everything in our power to help them along, except the 41-3 throttling, I fucking know, leave me alone!) I have to like our chances of making the post season. Also, it could be said that we have a fairly easy road to 11-5 at this point. Detroit, Denver and @ Oakland. All bad teams. We tend to own the bad ones. If that were to happen, there is a very good chance we could unseat Pitt and get to face either Buffalo or Cleveland instead of Jaxonville. In that scenario, I find it very likely we could win our first playoff game since 1994, a feat the Marty Schottenheimer could never achieve!!! A resounding fucking success, bitches!!! Choke on it and hail AJ!!!

I’m not as excited as the exclamation points would probably lead you to believe, but let’s face it, as much as I’ve bitched and moaned about bad playcalling, sophomore QB jitters, and pansy-ass defensive stratagem, I’d be losing my shit during a wildcard victory. But let’s never forget, we have to win ONE MORE GAME.

Which leads us to this week’s match-up against the Detroit Lions, or as I like to call them, the 2002 San Diego Chargers. Look it up, it’s uncanny. We’re decimated on defense this week. Castillo’s still out, and now Jamal Williams and Merriman are out. Check out what DR. Z from SI said about the hit that took Merriman out:

Shawne Merriman got a good hit on Vince Young and knocked him out of action for a while. Then Titans' tight end Ben Hartsock took a shot at Merriman, who limped off the field on a damaged left knee. Revenge hit, said the Chargers afterward. Jeff Fisher ordered it. Now I'm not taking sides in this issue, but if I were the prosecuting attorney, representing the plaintiff Chargers, I'd put Fisher on the stand, and my first question would be, "Now who was your coach again, when you played for the Bears?" "Buddy Ryan," he would say. "The prosecution rests it's case," I'd say.

That’s gold.

Our offense may be without Rivers, and while I myself may or may not have called for him to be benched on an occasion or two this season, Billy Volek looked like he was playing for the field last week and that’s more than a little worrisome. Still, I expect TBE to rack up about 150 yds and 3 TDs on his own this weekend, so I have a feeling we sew it up on Sunday.
Bolts 34, ’02 Bolts 28

Veronica Mars in gold bikini? Yummy. Too geeky? Fine, here's something more traditionally hot for you.

Lucy Pinder being all Christmasy. Go Bolts!!!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Some More Carl For Ya.

This week Carl gives us his thoughts on Mike Vick. The boots from Face Off? Gold.

Monday, December 10, 2007

More Of The Same.

LaDainian Tomlinson never lined up behind Ryan Leaf in San Diego, but I could have sworn he was having flashbacks of those days when he walked away from Philip Rivers on the sideline during yesterday’s game against the Titans. I just don’t know what to think anymore. It’s not fun to kick Rivers while he’s down, but for crying out loud, even when the team wins I find myself wondering if we’re ever going to really turn it on or if we’re just going to count on TBE and Antonio Gates to carry our lousy offense on our shoulders. A lot of people are going to say that this was a big win for us as we finally proved we can beat a team with a winning record on the road-something we’d have to do twice in the playoffs to reach the Super Bowl. Of course, those two teams would like be the Pats and the Colts, and they’re a tad better than the Titans (whom I personally believe will miss the playoffs anyway).

Now, I want Rivers to succeed, just to set the record straight. I hate the QB carousel in San Diego. It pains me that the Chargers have had three bona fide starters in my lifetime spanning a total of about 8 winning seasons spread quite far apart. But right about now this guy is starting to seem appealing.

Yep, that Craig "Wheels on Fire" Whelihan.

Maybe a little dissention in the ranks was needed yesterday, though, because we did win it. No thanks to the coaching if you ask me though. I’m sure Nick Canepa will write a glowing column about Norv Turner’s radical fourth quarter adjustments that allowed the team to overcome a 14 point deficit and win the game in exciting fashion, but the reality is that when you’re at the other team’s one yard line with 22 seconds left, it would probably be in your best interests to put the ball in the hands of your best player a couple of times and take your chances, rather than ask your flailing QB to try three times to make a throw he consistently screws up. Thank God that last attempt went to Gates and not Vincent Jackson or this post would contain far more vitriol than it does. Well, one more win and we’re guaranteed the division, so I guess that’s something.

Update: It's been pointed out how freaky Wheels looks in that there picture, and after thinking about it for a bit, I think I figured it out:

Friday, December 07, 2007

State of the Union...

Things are bleak folks. Don't fool yourselves into some false sense of security. The playoffs, yes they are on the horizon. Don't stand on your high horse laurels and think that this has been some kind of dominating performance. No one talks about us anymore. They are all focused on the beantowners who have yet to feel the crushing defeat of a loss with their arrogant faces stuffed firmly between the Patriot buttcheek train. Don't be fooled by that noise either. Are we any good? No. But we're underdogs and as surprising as it is, the players might eventually decide they remember how last year's gig worked and to hell with what the current adminitration preaches. Do that,.... and you might find yourself rooting for a dangerous team. Play by the rules,.... early exit my friend. It's a valid theory. Think about it. You want to play against a pissed off us? Or the normal run, run, pass us. It's in your hands boys. Handle your shit.

And if you gamble in a spread pool, take points this week. Take all the points you can get. Most dogs win outright this week. I guarantee. I'll say it again. I guarantee. I'm on the other side of the points this week and I feel like I'm looking at a spiked vagina. It's vagina. But there are big, sharp, spikes in it. Spikes. Think about that. Wrong side...

Hot girl.

At least that's the first thing that comes up when you google hot girl. She's a hot girl. I'm okay with it.

The Weekend Is Upon Us...

...and not a moment too soon.

I don't think the Tenessee Titans are an actual football team, and I don't care if it makes me sound like a racist or not, Vince Young is not good at throwing the ball to people on his team. That is one of the hallmark skills of an NFL quarterback. Of course, the Chargers have a way of making questionable passers into one-hit wonders and mobile (I'm not going to say black, dammit. Steve young and Mark Brunell were mobile once, and they were two of the whitest people to play football. You know who do make horrible QBs, though? Pakistanians(?) Pakistanii(?) Pakistanis(?) Whatever. Name one.) QBs can give us fits. And I mean good mobile QBs, not Aaron Brooks, who only ever gave his own team fits, although it should be noted that the Saints once missed an opportunity to go to overtime in a game that could have sent them to the playoffs, but poor John Carney missed an extra point at the end of the game. Fuck, that has to suck. Anyway, the point is, who knows what's going to happen in this Bolts-Titans clash? Oh wait. Me.
Bolts 30, Titans 13

I want to pick the Steelers to win against the suddenly tired-looking and sort of figured-out Patriots, but the freaking game is in Foxboro and let's look at some of the Juggernauts the Steelers have fallen to on the road this year.

1) The Cards; Motto: "Not as good as advertised."

B) The Broncos; Motto: "We have no idea why anybody expected us to be good in the first place."

III) The Jets; Motto: "No motto, we're budget."

That, coupled with Polamalu(?) probably being out leads me to believe that the Pats finish undefeated in the reg, folks.
Pats 34, Steelers 24

And as for the game you are all dying to see-at least as far as the local CBS affiliate would like to believe-the Broncos and the Chiefs battle it out to decide once and for all who will be a little less terrible than the other. Who fucking cares, really, I'll be at the bar watching that snoozer in Foxboro.
Chiefs 12, Broncos 10

I don't really care about the other games, and in fact I don't care much about the ones I already predicted, but if you must know...Colts and Cowgirls cover, and everybody else probably pushes because Vegas is ridiculous. Peace out, and happy Harmonica!!! Go Bolts!!!

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Sean Taylor Memorial Bowl-Take 2.

Here's my take on tonight's NFL Network game no one gets to watch, because I guess I should post some damn thing today.

Tonight’s game is a sad one for a number of reasons.

First and most importantly, it’s sad because the Washington Redskins are forced to play a game three days after the funeral of a beloved teammate; not to mention a big-time playmaker. Thanks to the NFL network for that one, I’m sure. Secondly, the Washington Redskins were unable to “win one for Sean” against an incredibly mediocre Bills team last week, and I just don’t know that they have it in them to make this their “in his honor” game either. In fact, they may not be able to properly memorialize him on the field until next season, because C) Joe Gibbs is slipping nicely into a doddering cocoon of feeblousity (totally a word in my mind anyway) and it is always sad when that happens. Seriously, I’m not sure why since I don’t get paid for anything even remotely football related, but even I’ve known you can’t call 2 timeouts in a row there since before Joe won his first Super Bowl. Lastly, and possibly most depressing of all is that both of these teams, at 5-7, believe that they are actually playing for their postseason lives. Of course, this is the NFC, so who fucking knows? Gotta go with the Bears here, because the Skins are missing one bad-ass mofo.
Bears 24, Skins 20

That was kind of depressing. Here's a hot girl-who has a name but I've never heard of her so I'm not telling you what it is-to make it up to you.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007


Not likely. By my estimate, if defensive cordinators had any guts at all, the Patriots would be 9-3. Good, but not the Juggernaut ESPN would have you believe. For weeks I've been shouting it from the mountain that the way to beat the Pats is to sell out on the pass rush. The Colts, Eggles and Ravens did that in their close matches with the Pats for approximately three and a half quarters each. Then, for some in-fucking-conceivable reason, they squandered slim late leads by dropping back into coverage and rushing only three or four men at Tom Brady. Are you people fucking mental? You can't cover all of their weapons!!! You can't even identify all of their weapons!!! You have to cut off the head, God damn it!!! At some point, somebody is going to figure this out. Will it be the Steelers next week? I doubt it. The sad fact is, defensive coordinators and head coaches like to be able to say they did the right thing at the end of the day. The Patriots were in passing situations and the Colts, Eggles and Ravens dropped into coverage. On paper, correct, I guess. Safe? Semmingly. In reality, some of the most pussy-ass bullshit I've ever seen.

As for the Bolts, four things:

1) When TBE gets off, we all get off.

2) Jared Allen notwithstanding, the Chiefs are a ghost of their former selves, while we appear to have at least shaken SOME of our early season ghosts (Welcome back, pass rush).

3) Philip made ONE pass that should keep the critics off his back for a week, but there is still a LOT of work to be done.

4) The win's sweet, but somebody is going to have to explain to me why Gates is so frequently disappearing this season. Don't we actualy have more weapons than last year?

Well, bring on the Titans. Go Bolts!!!

P.S. Here's some more Carl from Adult Swim:

Friday, November 30, 2007

Not This Guy Again.

It’s been a difficult year to write about this San Diego Chargers team. When they’ve been bad, they’ve been deplorable and then it’s easy to think of things to say and share appalling observations, but it certainly doesn’t feel good. When they’ve been good, they haven’t really been all that good, so it’s impossible to be all excited and glowy and such. The whole thing kind of just feels like I guess it’s supposed to feel when the team is a shaky 6-5 with a one game lead in a piss poor division. I mean, I guess it would be cool to win the division and get an extra game. I suppose it beats the alternative. I just can’t seem to really get my hopes up for anything more, and now I understand how Minnesota and Houston fans in the 90s felt. We’re good, but we’re certainly not good enough. I hope I’m wrong, and the unicorn lover in me believes that we can get it all together and be the powerhouse we were for most of last year. We’ll just have to see.

Unfortunately, we face off with the Chiefs this week in their home, Arrowhead. This game could be scary. A lot of people have picked us, and I see the reasoning, but I just don’t know. Not because they came to San Diego and whooped our asses earlier in the season. Not because the Chiefs have an absolutely ludicrous December home record. No, I’m worried because Damon Huard will retake the reigns from Brodie Croyle this week. Listen, there are three guys that truly scare me as a Charger fan, and these are they:


That’s right, Gus Frerotte. I’m not going to go through the effort of looking up exact numbers-because quite frankly I don’t have to- but I can say with a fair amount of certainty that Gus Frerotte has had his two best career days against the Bolts. One as a Bronco and one as a Dolphin. Made up, but not too far off combined stats for those two games: 850 yards passing, 7 TDs 0 Ints. Look it up, I might have slighted him there.


That’s Brooks Bollinger. Twice Brooksy there has come into a game we should have won and caused us fits. First was two years ago vs. the Jets in a game we were dominating. By the time Brooks was done, he was only a dropped pass in the end zone away from completing a colossal upset of the best team not to make the playoffs. The second was this year against the ViQueens, and while Adrian Peterson did the majority of the damage, I have to believe our boys remembered that Jets game and decided to let AP have those holes rather than let Brooksy terrorize them again.


You guessed it, Damon Huard. Guy just hates us. The numbers over the last couple of games aren’t gaudy (516 yards, 4 TDs, 2 Ints), but the guy just beats us. And he looks like a limey to me. Bangers and mash? Whatever that means, go drink a warm pint, douchebag. How do I call this one? Chargers 24, Chiefs 17, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see us lose by 17.

Here’s an interesting tidbit I’ve heard from a couple of sources. Last week TBE called a players only meeting to talk to the fellas about the abundance of finger-pointing and blame-gaming. This, in itself is not a big deal as it is exactly the sort of thing a team leader needs to do. What is interesting is who he called for advice as to what to say during this meeting. Any guesses? That’s right, Marty Schottenheimer! I guess that’s one way to tell AJ and Norv to go fuck themselves without providing media soundbites. Go TBE! Go Bolts!!!

Brett Favre Should Obviously Retire.

Aaron Rodgers, he's no Tony Romo, but he's the future of Green Bay Cheesines or whatever.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Aaah, Thursday Night Game!

Fuck you NFL Network, this is a game I could really enjoy doing laundry to. And don't be fooled, this is not your cable company's fault, it's just another NFL cash grab. The cable networks aren't angels here, but the NFL wants bigtime ad dollars and they are holding games hostage to get them.

This should be a fun game, with lots of bad decisions hailed as brilliance throughout. I can see Romo throwing 4 picks in this game, I really could. I could also see Favre trying to steal that thunder. I could not, however, care less at the end of the night.

Packers cause I'm old these days so I have a hard time rooting against Brett Favre 27, Cowgirls cause Tony Romo seems like he's hiding something 24

Oh, and I've been neglecting to share hot girls this week, so here's someone called Jesse Capelli:

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


Saw this over at With Leather and had to share it here. Carl rules.

And yeah, Boston can totally suck it.

Monday, November 26, 2007

How 'bout some Slap and Tickle...

I sit here at the masturbation station wondering quite how I feel about yesterday. I mean, I've been sitting here for about 29 minutes, and I've date raped all my photos of the Charger Girls already, and yet I still don't have any sense of fullfillment whatsoever. What the hell is this world coming to if a heavy dose of T'n'A and a generous slathering of Jergens can't cure what ails ya?

As Max so succinctly put in his post I'm so deviously pushing down the page, eh, I feel okay about the win I guess. I certainly would have been firing on a different level had the Bolts pissed yet another booger off of a urinal cake in Sunday's contest. I guess the Crows are just old and shitty, and better at murder and drug abuse than they are at footballing.

I have yet to see any semblance of the old squad offensively. The defense looks similar, with a difficult to run against group of fat men clogging the middle of the field and the occasional cornerback foul and/or blown coverage to support the heavyweights. Consistent still is the lack of ability for our DB's to actually intercept a pass (Cromartie notwithstanding) as Weddle had not one but two opportunities to prove that Bree Walker might see some success as a safety, were she not well, a woman, old and slow and have that you know, "condition". Ask Lampley what a hand job is like, no wonder he smoked pot and hit her about the head.

Phillipe (Pronounced Fill-Leap, like the Frogs would say it in gay Paris) had a game. He had some time to throw, thanks in part to the return of Nick Hardwick, and throw he did. He looked especially impressive when the Ravens secondary decided that Antonio Gates was hardly worth covering. How can you blame them the way lil' Phillipe has played of late? Early on Young Frenchy Squadleader became flustered at the sounds of what were boos raining down from the rafters of the Murph, apparently causing him to slightly wet himself and cry out in frustration for the crowd to shut up. Save it Phillipe, get thicker skin and quit playing like the retarded inbred second cousin to Eli no one wants to believe you might be. I remember a certain someone who played quarterback in this town for about 19 minutes too long some time ago, who liked to cry and whine most of the time about how it wasn't his fault he sucked. At least he had the common decency and balls to spice up his self tearjerking with some cursing. He was merely completing the masturbation process with his eyes...

I don't know what the hell to think. We beat another team that we should have. We've also lost a couple of those this year. I'm certainly not swallowing the crazy juice that Canepa and Sullivan are spewing forth from their shit chutes. That's fecal column filling wording about as believable as Scientology. We certainly were not doing our impression of a Super Bowl bound squad, but hey, nobody got bludgeoned or stabbed with a champagne bottle outside the confines of the stadium. That should count for something.

A random observation before I go buy stock in wetnaps and Jergens...

*Fuck you Vegas oddsmakers for screwing up all of these lines this week. Pittsburgh -16? Really? When were you going to tell me that all this fucking global warming was causing a fucking tsunami cyclone in Pittsburgh in near December? There's no such thing until is starts fucking with my spreads. Just so you know, it's 0-0 late in the 4th Quarter. -16? Fuck your ass fat Al Gore.

And just so you know, well whatever, happy cheerleader for you...

We Landed On The Moon! We Landed On The Moon!

Let me start by saying that I’m happy with the win. I’m happy with the Denver loss that’s leaves us alone for the time being behind the wheel of the rusted Pinto that is the AFC West. I’m happy that every single game left on our schedule has the potential to be practice time. I’m happy about that because we need it. After this morning’s cocksuckery in the Union Dipatch Post Intelligencer Review, namely from this clown and Tim Sullivan (at least 30% less clowny than Canepa) and from the local morning sports radio idiots ( I won’t name names, but rhymes with Billy Ray Smith and Scott Kaplan) I feel I need to make a few points.

1) Canepa starts his column incredulous that the fans would boo Phiilip Rivers and the offense on the first series of the game. What Nicky fails to realize is that these aren’t merely plays 1-3 in a football game, they are play 201-203 in a long run of offensive offensiveness.

2) Sullivan starts and finishes his column with Rivers’ cock in his mouth, which makes it difficult to understand what he’s trying to get across.

3) The morning radio guys take homerism to an entirely never before heard of level and declare the team 11-5 on the spot, because obviously Philip Rivers has turned the corner and will never falter again.

All of these PAID PROFESSIONALS basically make the same point. Philip Rivers is completely back to Pro Bowl form (BTW, according to one of the wordy sources Rivers’ dad fixed him, not any of our PAID PROFESSIONAL COACHES. Not that we have any purported QB coach gurus on staff or anything. ). I hope so. At the very least I think fans in the stadium should boo him emphatically at every home game, because that really seems to light a fire under him, even if it does also make him look kind of whiny. Here’s the bad news, however: Baltimore was beaten long before this game started. On a four game losing streak, all but eliminated from the post season, and noticeably old, this was the equivalent of beating up an orphan’s little orphan sister. And just as I’d be happy with that win, I’m happy with this win, but not wholly satisfied. They committed to the run early, and with little pass rush or help in the secondary, they’re DBs looked like scarecrows. Then, with the Bolts having a decent lead in the second half against a team with little scoring power, the Ravens never really changed their philosophy, choosing to believe we would try to eat clock rather than attempt to go down field. The results look good on paper, but they don’t tell the whole story. Rivers’ has a long way to go to make me believe he can consistently attack that type of defense at that level of efficiency. He’s going to get a lot of chances to because nobody else believes it either and teams will continue to key on TBE. Fortunately, there aren’t many scary secondaries ahead. The other problem I’m having with this team is that Ted Cottrell is a gutless whore who refuses to bring any pressure on obvious 3rd down passing situations, resulting in a plentitude of egregious conversions and allowing the Ravens to actually score two offensive TDs (practically unheard of). The pass pressure looked better for the most part yesterday, with Phillips and Merriman going after the QB together several times, but once again the defense backed off without twisting the knife. There are a couple of potent offenses ahead that may enjoy that kind of defensive gameplan. I still believe we will make the playoffs, but this team will need to show me a bit more before I believe they make it with a record as convincing as 11-5. Denver, Tennessee and Detroit are just too mediocre not to give us a hard time. Oakland and KC look appropriately shitty enough for us to beat ( I know, CJ, KC beat us at home, but they have gotten worse since then so leave me alone for calling them a gimme.). Once you get to the playoffs anything can happen, though. Don’t believe me? Just look at the underdogs we’ve played in the playoffs the last few times we made it that far. Super Bowl, CJ!!! Go Bolts!!!

P.S. Good job of the Eggles making the Pats look human. However did they do it? Well, I’ll just refer to myself:

"You have to sell out on the pass rush. You have to get pressure early and you have to get to Brady…You’re going to get burned, but you have to prepare for the fact that holding this team to twenty-something points is your best shot at victory, so a couple early scores is not a horrible thing. The thing is, Tom Brady, under pressure, seriously starts to look human behind center."

Pretty close to what the Eagles did, and if not for an ill-fated and unnecessary shot at the end zone late, they very well could have taken that game. Some people are calling this a blueprint game, but I doubt there are too many teams that can actually do it. Of course, those teams that can are typically the type you find in the playoffs, so for at least a week we can all dream of sobbing Boston fans.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Gobble Gobble.

Well, tomorrow's Thanksgiving and that can mean only one thing. Bad football. Of course, how bad can it really be? The Chargers aren't going to be underachieving and outcoached anywhere near a football field until Sunday. Let's take a look. And in the spirit of thankfulness, I'll go ahead and treat you to a few random heroines from the show Heroes (Which I should totally cut, but I can't because I'm a geek and I like hot girls; but seriously they need to refine that shit a bit and maybe kill off some of the uglier characters because it's becoming one crazy clusterfuck of a program).

First off, we have the Packers at the Lions. This looks like a big match-up actually. That is, if you have a time machine and go back to three weeks ago before the upstart Lions started to fold like a Barcalounger. And, let's face it, time machines are for the rich and powerful.
Pack 34, Lions 20

Next, we have the Jets going to Dallas to face the amazing Tony Romo. Seriously, last week Tony Romo picked up a ball that was snapped over his head and instead of throwing it away in the face of pressure, he tried to force it to Terrell Owens, which resulted in an interception. The announcers called it a brilliant play by Romo. Our QB does shit like that weekly and they call it struggling. Football can be confusing. Still, Romo and the Cowgirls are hot this year. However, the Jets just derailed a hot team you may have heard of called the Pittsburgh Stee-oh, who the fuck am I kidding?
Cowgirls 38, Jerks 13

Veronica Mars. I told you I was a geek.

Last, and possibly least, we have the Colts heading to the Falcons. This is a game over half the country will have to go to a bar to see because it is being televised on the NFL Network. Funny thing is, I totally want to go to a bar tomorrow night. Sadly, not to watch this bullshit. I'm guessing there are about ten million people right now that are saying, "You know, maybe dogfighting should only result in a fine."
Colts 23, Falcons 10

Wow, I'm nearly twice her age. This post just got depressing.

Anyway, there's what I think of the Thanksgiving festivities the NFL intends to force feed us tomorrow. Also, Some of you may be wondering why I didn't say anything about Nick Canepa's column yesterday and while I was certainly tempted to point out that Nick is looking for any scapegoat he can for AJ Smith while also reprimanding the San Diego public for not being more enthusiastic about the team, I realized that I can just not spend any more time on the douche. Happy Thanksgiving, bitches!!!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Football Is Awesome.

In just two short weeks from now, San Diego Chargers General Manager and resident Bad-Ass Cowboy A.J. Smith will sit down in his cozy chair, perhaps with a hearty fire burning. He'll scratch little Nicky Canepa behind the ears and feed him a treat. Then he'll get down to serious business of, as he is wont to do, pontificating the third quarter of this San Diego Chargers football season. I know not what the next two weeks will bring (though I can only imagine), but I assume that thus far A.J. will fondly remind himself of how we defeated the Defending Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts in front of tens of thousands of cheering fans at Qualcomm Stadium. He'll praise our efforts in going into a hostile Jacksonville environment and coming to within a touchdown of matching a strong Jaguars team. He'll tell himself that years from now all NFL quarterbacks will be chicken-winging the football all willy-nilly around the field, and that he'll be regarded as a genius for heralding in the pioneer of the art in Philip Rivers. He'll sell your grandmother to a sweatshop and give your sister gonorrhea. Well, maybe not, but you get the idea. The man is wildly delusional and should probably be put away for his own good.

It gets worse. CJ does not think the Chargers will make it to the playoffs. While I certainly respect that position and I can easily see the logic and reasoning behind it, I have to defer to the major assbaggery that is the AFC West right now (Motto: "I swear to God, we'll send one of these teams to the playoffs!"). We are strongly poised to enter the postseason with a record of .500 or-I shudder to even think it-below. And you're all thinking what I'm about to say, even if you haven't been brave enough to say it aloud. If we make the postseason, and somehow miraculously win a wildcard playoff game, A.J. will stand in front of us and with a straight face declare the Norv Turner era a resounding success. I shit you not, he'll say it, Canepa will ape it, and I will go live under a bridge with my imaginary friends Dan Fouts and Stan Humphries.

The only silver lining here may be that I really can't imagine that we're going to get anywhere near the Patriots again this year, and honestly, who the fuck wants to? That team is stupid good and they pretty much make everybody feel like the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays when they come to town. Football's not even fun anymore with them in it. Unless you're from Boston. In which case, yeah, you're team is fucking awesome, but you still have to deal with being a dipshit. Quite frankly, I really don't know what Bill Belichek is trying to do. I mean, at this point I have to believe the rest of the league is just about ready to disband, and that would leave Bill and all his boys jobless. Merry fucking Christmas indeed (Fuck your "Happy Holidays!" bullshit. Christmas you fucks!).

Next up, a clash between two teams that obviously played well above their abilities last year and are now making their fans choke on it. Bring it on, Baltimore, we're really going something when you come to town. Go Bolts. No, seriously. Like, away. Happy Thanksgiving, go share some pie with a Native American.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Dear Philip Rivers,

How are you? I am fine. You seem like a very nice person on television. You are clean cut and you seem honest and I would totally let you date my sister if I had one. You seem as though you would make an excellent salesman or, perhaps, bartender. I bet you are a very good listener and I imagine you are very trustworthy. Unfortunately, I think NFL quarterback may be just a bit outside you skill set. Well, whatever, a lot of people never even made it as far as you have and that is something to be proud of. Anyway, good luck in whatever you decide to do

Your friend,
Maximum Colossus

P.S. You stink.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Many, Yet Not All, Of My Picks.

Three times this week I referred to TBE as Natrone Means. Then it occurred to me; that is exactly what the problem is. Norv is coaching from a 1995 media guide. I can see him speaking to himself in his big empty head: “Big, goofy white quarterback with lots of heart? Yep, that’s definitely Stan Humphries. So why can’t this Means kid break a tackle up the middle? Says right here that’s our bread and butter. I’ll have to have Junior and the Sheriff have a sit down with him, cause if he doesn’t start bowling people over soon I’m going to have to give this Ay-Ron kid a shot.”

Once again our Bolts approach a game that could very well define what sort of team we really-oh, fuck that! We may never know what this team is. Be that as it may I honestly believe, for no explicable reason whatsoever, that the offense goes apeshit crazy on the vaunted Jacksonville D this weekend. Seriously, I think Rivers will be accurate, efficient and essentially mistake free this week. I think TBE will find plenty of room to run and Gates will be...well, Gates. I think we light it up a la 2006 and everybody gets a big boner for what may become of the rest of the season. Of course, I also believe that the defense gives up about 300 yards rushing again, but they’ll make enough big plays to pull it off. Not a moment too soon, either, because the Shit Ponies are starting to realize that being a piss poor football does not necessarily mean you aren’t allowed to show up for the post-season. Bolts 37, Jag-offs 27

As for the rest of this week's games, what the hell? I’ll make some picks, but no fucking spread because gambling is the Devil!

NYG @ Detroit
Seriously, I have no fucking idea, but don’t you sometimes wish Eli Manning was your QB?
vaGiants 38, Lions 20

Cleveland Rox @ Baltimore
Hmm…How’s Cleveland’s kicker? That was appalling last week Ravens, you’ll get no love from me. Also, you suck.
Browns 24, Nevermores 6

Tampa @ Atlanta
I know they won last week but it actually just took me a few seconds to remember where the Falcons play. Defense is okay, though. This game is going to suck.
Bucs 14, Falcons 13

Oaklangeles @ Minnesota
After last week, I don’t know if I can ever pick the Raiders or the Bears to win a game again. For the Raiders at least AP is hurt, or this could be a serious blowout. Instead it will just be regular ugly as far as games go.
ViQueens 13, R8rs 12

KC @ Indy
I don’t know…Colts, I guess? The Chiefs are a game out of first and switching to their rookie QB. That worked great for the Broncos last year. Still, the Colts are awfully banged up. Still, the Chiefs are stupid.
Colts 28, Chiefs 14

Miami @ Philly
Could this be Miami’s week? Probably not. Will John Beck give them the spark they need to get off the schneid? I said “Probably not.”
Eggles 34, Fins 14

Arizona @ Cincinnati
It is impossible to correctly spell Cincinnati without spell-check. Fuck you, Cincinnatti!
Cards 30, Bengals 22

NO @ Houston
Who knows which Saints team shows up? But the Tehans are way too Tehan to win this thing.
Saints 31, Tehans 23

Carolina @ Green Bay
Favre vs. Testeverde in a battle for the ages. Favre does not respect his elders and Teste can do not a thing about it.
Pack 27, Panthers 16

There, that’s the morning games, but now I’ve grown bored. Maybe I’ll do the rest before Sunday or maybe I’ll leave you hanging. Who knows? It’s my prerogative. Also, I know I said that gambling was the Devil, but if you were really good at math you could figure out from my predictions how I think teams will do against the spread and make a fortune and send me half. I guess, deep down inside, I’m just pure evil. And Rachel Bilson is as cute as a button.

A super hot button (That show Chuck is lame, though)! Go Bolts!!!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Football Is Awesome.

That there was some solid vitriol from my esteemed colleague CJ, and if you haven’t read it yet you should just go ahead and scroll right down there to take a look. Bravisimo, that leaves much less for me to have to try to put into bitter bile-tasty words of my own choosing (And I also will be foregoing any picture posting). Truly, I have very little to add regarding Sunday’s coconut-fucking contest to that which has already been lucidly expressed in Michael Silver’s column that I linked yesterday, or CJ’s far more urban take previously mentioned. I would, however predictably, like to point out how much of a douche local sportswriter Nick Canepa is, though. In less than 24 hours Canepa went from this actually somewhat insightful rant about the shortcomings of the Charger coaching staff during our unlikely victory over the defending Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts to this piece, where he calls out the city of San Diego for being a bunch of worthless ingrates for scoffing at a victory over the defending Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts that gave our team a lone share of 1st place in the AFC West. There’s no cliché in sports I adore more than “A win is a win.” So what’s with the flip flop, Nick? I’ve never seen someone’s backbone shatter so quickly. Or did AJ alleviate your fears by letting you sleep in mom and dads bed Monday night and send you off to sweet slumber with stories of how the AFC West will be won much the same as the Old West, with gumption and a six-gun, the very tools our cowboy GM brings to the table? More likely, BA GM AJ reminded you that there are a million other sports dogs out there willing to curl up in his lap and yap annoyingly at his detractors. Whatever the case, thank you for once again placating my overwhelming need for lunacy in San Diego sports media. No wonder people that move to San Diego can’t bring themselves to root for our teams.

In other news, I’m hearing that Quentin Jammer will return to action this week, sending Antonio Cromartie back to the bench. Let me be the first to say thank the Lord our coaches are finally taking a stand and sending a valuable message to the players! That message? “You’ve got earn your way onto this team!” Maybe Cromartie will think twice about not head butting Peyton Manning at some crucial point of the game in an attempt to intimidate the Super Bowl MVP quarterback into throwing even more interceptions. 6 interceptions to lead the league with only one actual start under his belt? Big whoop! What have you done for us lately? Like, literally in the last 15 minutes? That’s what I thought. And while we’re on the subject, what’s the deal with this Sproles character? Returns two kicks for TDs in the first quarter, and then essentially disappears for the rest of the game? That’s right, three quarters, no TDs. If he can’t dedicate himself to playing an entire 60 minutes of football on Sunday, I’m sure AJ can find someone who can. This entire team is skating on thin ice as far as I’m concerned. Go AJ!!!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Happy Daze... Fuck You.

No sugar coating this one. No fucking frilly happiness. No fucking hot chicks, no fucking celebrating. This was one for the ages.

I'll spare you all the minute by minute commentary that I noted throughout the debacle. If you watched, you saw. If you were any of the probable millions who watched that nationally televised shit sucking, you know. On paper, we defeated the mighty Indy Little Horses, defending Super Bowl kings. On the field, well, you know. Darren Sproles and Antonio Cromartie played fantastic games, perhaps we should have run a wishbone option with LTD and Sproles with Cromartie quarterbacking the thing Air Force style. Perhaps then we would have had more than 10 offensive points and some semblance of an offensive game plan. I think little Sproles had more all purpose yards than did the entire Norv Offense. It was certainly close enough for someone who gives a shit to look up. I for one, am not one of those shit givers.

As far as I'm concerned, the coaches look like they are completely overmatched. They also appear to enjoy dining on the finer delicacies in life of gonads and Dungy's taint. If anyone can take solace or any positivity from this game should be tied to the hood of a Pacer in the summer sun of Phoenix and flogged with a bamboo shiv until death seems pleasant. From your vanilla Pop Warner creativity on offense, to the Leafian style of quarterbacking, and the seive like defensive strategies, your systems are tired. If you are a member of this team and your title contains the words offense, defense and or staff in it, you should kindly donate your paychecks to the less fortunate and turn in your hats, and security badges and leave town post haste. You have run a mighty machine into pathetic mediocrity. Sixty year old porn stars have been less violated than the what you have brought to our squad. Bite me you assholes. How is that for clear and concise analysis? You ought to take yourselves outside and kill yourselves. But, that might be too kind. Enjoy your victory, that other shoe dropped last night and you escaped. Don't think that because you got a tally in the 'W' column you achieved any sort of success. Fuck your mouths...

Fucking Seriously?

If you had told me yesterday that a win against the Indianapolis Colts would leave me this disappointed I would have kicked you in the balls because you would obviously have been a crazy person who intended to do me great bodily harm. Sickening. I plan to post more thoroughly on this later in the week, but right now I'm still pretty much speechless. In the meantime, this guy sums things up pretty well. Except, of course, he fails to mention the fact that to let Philip Rivers take the field again is to concede the season. He needs to be sat in the corner to think about what he's done for a while.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Big Sigh. And Here Goes Nothin'.

I've been dreading this post for days. That whole, "If you don't have something nice to say, blah blah bullshit" and whatnot, but I think I've figured out a way to sidestep that. Here we go:

Our boy Peyton is gonna light up that weak-ass San Diego secondary! Woo, fuck yeah! The only thing he has to worry about is with that handsy bitch Jammer on the bench this week, we'll being seeing a lot of that wheelsy Cromertie kid. 109 yard field goal(?) return? More like 109.99999 yards. No problem there, though, really, cause that douche bag Florence'll keep any drive from stalling with a strategically thrown head butt on the other side. Seriously bro, do all your opponents put money in a hat and send it to you before the season starts? What's your playoff rate? And don't get me started on this rookie white Safety bullshit even if he is the best you got and probably would just go ahead and drop the interception in the first place and forego the whole, should I run with it, how much time is on the clock, where's Troy Brown bullshit. John Lynch can jump on a pile with the best of them and Archuleta is collecting ridiculous money for doing reverse sit-ups on the bench. Yeah, white Safeties make Peyton all kinds of jittery.

Even if our boy Peyton the Manning were to go spontaneously blind before kick-off, no matter. did you see what the rook did to that busted San Diego D last week? 296 mothuh-fuckin' yards! That ain't no joke. Joseph Addai has a raging clue right now, if you know what I mean.

On the other side of the ball, please. They used to give us fits, but I think if we crowd the middle on first down we can contain LT for the day. That leaves the game in the hands of rookie QB, Philip Rivers. What? Not a rookie, you say? Get the fuck out of here! Bwahahahahahaha! Bob Sanders is drowning in tears of joy!

Seriously, though, their punter is tits. Colts 49, Dolts 13. Go Colts!!!

Pin that to the locker room wall.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Why Do I Bother...

...when The Brushback says it all?

Partly Doomy, With A Chance Of Gloom.

Still in a daze Monday morning, I predicted that we could still quite easily advance to the playoffs and even win a game in the heavily diluted AFC. Wow, you ever been so hungover that you're are obviously still drunk, because that was me. I actually forced myself to take a good, long look at the second half schedule (for some reaon the only schedule magnets on my fridge right now are for the 2004 and 2006 seasons. Happier regular season days, I suppose). What I saw did little to lift my spirits. In the second half we play six games against teams who have .500 or better records at this point in the season. Thus far, we are 0-4 against such opponents through our first eight games. Luis Castillo is gone for 6 weeks and it's pretty obvious he is missed in the run-stopping department. Our offense appears to be dead in the water and completely defenseless against the blitz up the middle as long as Hardwick is out. The only reason Adrian Peterson was able to run for league record 296 yards is that our offense was unable to take advantage of any opportunities that were handed to them. Exceptional field coverage in the first half? Squandered. Two "what should have been critical" fumbles in the second half? Squandered. I still believe Rivers can be the future at QB for this franchise , but when he's bad, he's terrible, and at some point you must pull him and try to light a spark. Turner will never do that. Of course, neither would have Schottenheimer so shut the fuck up before you even say it. I guess we know the answer to the big question now? Druther get run out of the playoffs in the first round or not even make it. At this point most of us are pretty much praying for the opportunity to get exposed again in an extra game. We could be lucky to go 6-10 at this point, and let me assure you that no one will be calling us the best team to miss the playoffs this year. Who'd of guessed we'd go from 14-2 and the best team on paper to this?

Monday, November 05, 2007

Hurray Football.

There’s a bright side. At least we don’t have to wait another week to find out what kind of a team we really are. We are a Craptastic Voyage through the intricate inner workings of Sucktown. I could’ve stayed home and wrote concerto if I had any idea how to or even what one of those was. Looks like Mexican for concert. I don’t even want to fire open the newspaper this morning as I’m not sure how to fire open my computer monitor, but more because I’m sure Nick Canepa already has a riveting column up about how Norv Turner and his coaching staff are unable to gel with their young quarterback, make adjustments or generally wield the assortment of offensive ass-kickery that Super GM AJ Smith has laid out before them. Then there’s some sort of John Wayne quote from AJ himself, like, “Well, Pilgrim, some heads are gonna roll. It’s time to shit or eat beef stew,” or whatever a cowboy says when he’s really just wondering whether Bill Cowher might keep him on as a ballboy scout next year.

We got demolished by a team with exactly one actual weapon and one of the worst pass defenses in the league. Joke’s on Peterson, though, because he has to look at that 296 in the record books for however long it takes before he finally breaks 300. Honestly, I really wouldn’t have minded at the end there if whoever the hell Brad Childress is had just let the kid run for four more yards. If AP has any kind of OCD he’ll rip his fingernails out over that one. Also, interesting to find out that apparently Luis Castillo made every single tackle for our defense before he was injured on Sunday, because I don't think we made any after he left. Although I did see AP slip on the turf a couple of times. Don't be so eager, kid, sometimes you just have to let the end zone come to you.

The scariest thing is this: There is so much suckery in the AFC right now that we could still very easily make it into the playoffs and actually win a game or even two before the eventual beating by the Colts or Pats. Then AJ could actually stand in front of the media and, with a straight face, say that this has been the most productive Charger team during his tenure while Canepa hides in the podium and reenacts a classic scene from Police Academy.

Without further adieu, I’d like to introduce a new feature I like to call, Things That Are Gay:


A Certain American Idol

Liberace (or, his corpse as the case may be)


The Bolts passing game.

Sorry, Philip, maybe it's not your fault you had to keep force feeding the ball to Vincent Jackson and maybe the Vikings were actually able to hide Antonio Gates in their back pocket, but you have regressed. And if you keep throwing the ball like it has bugs on it, I'm going to keep wondering how Billy Volek and Charlie Whitehurst look in practice.

Colts-Pats turned out to be "as advertised." Although it really seemed as though neither team wanted to pull out their entire bag of tricks before a probable January showdown, that game was as good as they get in the NFL. I think if the Colts had been a little more aggressive early on, they'd have won that game, and that was a huge surprise. So next week we get our shot at the Colts on primetime and here's a preview if you're interested:

Personally, I think I'll just go ahead and get whiskey drunk by 5:00 and see if I can't find the easiest girl in the bar and try to convince her let me take her home and mash my flaccid weiner against her labia for three hours. You know, something I can be proud of. Go Bolts?

Friday, November 02, 2007

Here Comes The Awesome Bowl!

An event like this only comes along every so often. Two unstoppable forces colliding on the gridiron at this point in the season, with major playoff implications. Both teams feature a juggernaut offense and a stalwart defense. Superstars light up the field on both sides of the ball. But the real question is, at the end of the day, whose leader is truly the best the game has to offer. Philip Rivers or Brooks Bollinger? Ha! I’m fucking hilarious. You totally did not see that coming. You were all, “I know, is Tom Brady actually a more gifted quarterback than Peyton Manning?” Like it’s some Highlander bullshit. There can be only one!!! I think Tom Brady is the Kurgen, cause he totally sexed up Connor McCloud’s bitch. But then maybe Peyton is the Kurgen, cause Belichek is a cocky shithead like Ramirez and I know that Tony Dungy is definitely not Ramirez because I don’t think he’s tolerant enough to date a Japanese girl ( I may be thinking of Herm Edwards here, but honestly, I can't tell those two apart). Tony Dungy is way more like that guy with the machine guns who tries to break up the Highlander party in the alley and ends up getting some Kurgen fury in the form of a sword through the gut.

I’m getting off point here.

Let’s talk about that Colts-Pats match-up this weekend, shall we? Everybody else is. I watched Inside the NFL for the first time this season the other night, and while I was far too drunk to take adequate notes and summarize it here, I was sober enough to realize that if I had taken notes they would have gone something like this: They talked about the Colts-Pats for 45 of their 60 minutes of programming. And you know what? It wasn’t enough. This is a big game. It really is arguably the biggest regular season match-up in the history of sport. Talk away, football pundits. You’re not going to tell me anything I don’t know, but that doesn’t mean it’s not interesting. I know the waitress at the new bar where we watch football is "made for television" hot, but that doesn’t mean we don’t yammer on about it ad nauseum week after week. And it does not get old. This match-up is world changing. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself this: When was the last time I rooted for either of these douchebags?

Yeah, that’s right. You and 75% of the country are fucking perplexed by trying to wrap their brain around that one. Tom Brady has basically fucking pulled a Ronald Miller.

From loveable underdog to raging douche bag in 6 years. It’s not a record, but it’s impressive. Sadly, however, I am in awe of this Patriots team. And you know you are too. We all want Peyton and Co. to knock them off of their high horse (partially because we know the Colts won’t hang around undefeated for long), but we all know that it probably isn’t going to happen. Sure, the Colts can score with anybody, but I just don’t see how they can stop the Pats. I don’t know for sure that anybody can. Who do you cover? At any given time the following people can hurt you: Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Dante Stallwarth, Jabar Gaffney, Ben Watson, Kevin Faulk, Laurence Malroney, and Mike fucking Vrabel. And don’t be surprised if Belichek throws Teddy Bruschi, Junior Seau or Matt Light into the mix. And if none of those 11 guys are open, well then Tom Brady will just tuck that ball into his chiseled abs and sashay into the end zone himself.

Of course, this team does have an Achilles heel if you ask me. I just don’t know if the Colts have the personnel to exploit it. You have to sell out on the pass rush. You have to get pressure early and you have to get to Brady.

You’re going to get burned, but you have to prepare for the fact that holding this team to twenty-something points is your best shot at victory, so a couple early scores is not a horrible thing. The thing is, Tom Brady, under pressure, seriously starts to look human behind center. He doesn’t get hit much, so when he does it is a total shock to the system. He starts to hurry the ball and make mistakes. He did it last year against the Bolts, and that’s where the most important part of the lesson comes into play. You have to keep applying pressure for the whole 60 minutes. You don’t have to necessarily get to him, but you have to look like you might. No dropping 7 guys back into coverage. No fucking prevent defense, he’ll eat you alive. Sadly, I just don’t believe the Colts have the pass rushing LBs to give that all-pro Patriots line fits. You know who does, though. The Chargers. That’s right, we didn’t show you nothin’ in week 2, cause we’re saving it all for glorious post-season payback! Suck it, bitches, the Red Sox are gay!!! Pats 41, Colts 31

As for our own match-up this week, I have this to say. Being born and raised til the age of 4 in Minnesota, it’s nice to see a player like Adrian Peterson come along and make the Vikings somewhat watchable again.

Also, Brooks Bollinger nearly destroyed the Chargers last time we played against him, and he would have if not for a dropped pass in the end zone at the end of the game. Still, Minnesota is a pretty bad team in a horrid conference, so we should handle them without much incident. Chargers 37, Vikings 9

Now for some sad news. Stacy Keibler is, like 6’ tall and I’m 5’8’ish. Do you have any idea how much money I’d have to have to make that worth her while. Weak.

Fuck it, Go Bolts!!!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

On the Brief...

Since the Quick Hits have been adopted and some may say pirated around internetland, we're stuck with the On the Brief from here on out, random observations with regard to football, boobs, and all things completely irrelevant to rational thought...

*The Bolts continued their march through the pathetic attempts at professional footballing squads this Sunday on the home front. Good God was that an awful football game. It only took one half of a game to decimate Texas. Let's hope the momentum continues when a real team takes the field against us.

*Steroid investigations in baseball continue to take top billing in the sports world. Needless to say, that instead of subjecting myself to the cage match this opening evening between Vince McMahon and David Stern, I opted for minor league boxing in the form of ESPN's "Original Entertainment" (term used very loosely) "The Contender". In which two 170+ pound UFC flunkies put on a display of playground slugging the likes of which are unmatched in the lack of any recognizable skill sets, all the while showcasing physiques that are humanly impossible to achieve. Jesus Pete, one guy had the Cascade Mountains growing out of his back, one of which had an active lava flow. Apparently these guys don't have access to the high grade horse semen that most real professional athletes are mainlining in this millenium. But hey, it's those baseball players that are really abusing the drugs.

*This gambling season has been a bit more successful than years past. How you ask am I able to compete with the Vegas odds being so skewed? Take the points my friends. Take the points. Except when the Vikings are on the field. God damned Vikings and their Purple Fucking Jesus.

*It looks as if the fire danger is behind us for the time being. For the most part it appears that everyone in our circle is fine and has survived this ordeal relatively unscathed. Some of our stomping grounds are gone and that's sad, but we cannot live in the past. Rebuild and cut relief from the boundaries of your properties, then invite the cheerleaders over to spark the party to the new level. With enough lube, you should be able to avoid any unnecessary sparks from friction.

Good Stuff.

You should definitely be checking out The Brushback every week.

Monday Night Foosball? I'm Fucking Ready!

The Broncos ended up a field goal short of winning their fourth game of the year by a field goal, and Brett Favre further secured his legacy of being the professional quarterback most likely to close his eyes and wing the ball as hard as he can without consequence because its Monday night. Anybody else out there get the feeling that Champ Bailey and Dre Bly feel like they’re pretty much too good for this shit right now? “If you’re not going to try, we’re not going to try.”

So blah, blah, Denver sucks, good deal, whatever. Not why I’m writing right now.As I’m sure you all know, since ESPN took over Monday Night Football, their claim to fame in the innovation department has been to bring in random celebrity types to awkwardly plug their latest movie, show, play, album, cooker or what have you. Last night was Vince Vaughn’s turn in the booth to promote Fred Claus.

Isn't he dreamy. Seriously, though, I like Vince Vaughn. Especially since he and his agent finally decided to stop trying to over think his career and basically go ahead and slap Trent from Swingers into random situations and pretend it’s a different movie. More importantly, though, is that I buy Vince Vaughn as a man. An actual man who might actually sit down with a few too many beers and watch a football game. Jeremy Piven or Christian Slater? Seriously fucking doubt it. But Trent, sure. So he held his own as well as anybody can in this horribly uncomfortable situation.

Kornheiser: So, Vince tell us about your new film, Fred Claus.

Vaughn: Oh, okay. Well I play the black sheep brother of Santa-

Tirico: And Selmon Young breaks it to the outside! He slips a tackle! He’s got room to run…and he’s out at the 5!!!

Kornheiser: Is it a good movie for the kids?

Vaughn: Um…yeah, kids will like it. It’s the same director as Wedding Crashers, so adults will like it too, even though it’s obviously not the same type of humor as that movie.

Other Guy: There’s a flag down, this one’s coming back.

Kornheiser: Wedding Crashers certainly wasn’t a children’s movie.

Vaughn: I kind of just said that. Seriously, I don’t want to be here with you idiots so cut me some slack, Kornheiser.

See, just uncomfortable. Anyway, at one point I believe it was Kornheiser who asked Trent whether he performed his own stunts during the backyard FOOTBALL scene in Wedding Crashers. How topical. Vince replied, and I’m paraphrasing here, but this is the gist of it:

“I know a lot of actors really enjoy and take pride in doing there own stunts, but I’m more than happy to let the stuntman take the abuse. Then I just go out there and pretend to dust myself off and go on with the scene.”

Imagine Vince Vaughn saying that in his Vince Vaughn way. Totally tongue and cheek. Chuckle funny. Well, when I woke up this morning I turned on Fox News in the morning because even though the fruity,” in your face gay”, gay guy who does human interests stories drives me up the friggin’ wall, the weather girl is more than serviceably cute enough to make me start my day with a smile. And by smile I mean boner. So while she is giving her weather update and subliminally reminding me to wait for her in the back seat of her care when she gets off, here is what the crawl on the screen below reads:


Fucking awesome! Thank you Fox News in the Morning!

Oh, and check out this glorious gem from the wonderful folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber. Solid gold. Go Bolts!!!