Tuesday, October 30, 2007

On the Brief...

Since the Quick Hits have been adopted and some may say pirated around internetland, we're stuck with the On the Brief from here on out, random observations with regard to football, boobs, and all things completely irrelevant to rational thought...

*The Bolts continued their march through the pathetic attempts at professional footballing squads this Sunday on the home front. Good God was that an awful football game. It only took one half of a game to decimate Texas. Let's hope the momentum continues when a real team takes the field against us.

*Steroid investigations in baseball continue to take top billing in the sports world. Needless to say, that instead of subjecting myself to the cage match this opening evening between Vince McMahon and David Stern, I opted for minor league boxing in the form of ESPN's "Original Entertainment" (term used very loosely) "The Contender". In which two 170+ pound UFC flunkies put on a display of playground slugging the likes of which are unmatched in the lack of any recognizable skill sets, all the while showcasing physiques that are humanly impossible to achieve. Jesus Pete, one guy had the Cascade Mountains growing out of his back, one of which had an active lava flow. Apparently these guys don't have access to the high grade horse semen that most real professional athletes are mainlining in this millenium. But hey, it's those baseball players that are really abusing the drugs.

*This gambling season has been a bit more successful than years past. How you ask am I able to compete with the Vegas odds being so skewed? Take the points my friends. Take the points. Except when the Vikings are on the field. God damned Vikings and their Purple Fucking Jesus.

*It looks as if the fire danger is behind us for the time being. For the most part it appears that everyone in our circle is fine and has survived this ordeal relatively unscathed. Some of our stomping grounds are gone and that's sad, but we cannot live in the past. Rebuild and cut relief from the boundaries of your properties, then invite the cheerleaders over to spark the party to the new level. With enough lube, you should be able to avoid any unnecessary sparks from friction.

Good Stuff.

You should definitely be checking out The Brushback every week.

Monday Night Foosball? I'm Fucking Ready!

The Broncos ended up a field goal short of winning their fourth game of the year by a field goal, and Brett Favre further secured his legacy of being the professional quarterback most likely to close his eyes and wing the ball as hard as he can without consequence because its Monday night. Anybody else out there get the feeling that Champ Bailey and Dre Bly feel like they’re pretty much too good for this shit right now? “If you’re not going to try, we’re not going to try.”

So blah, blah, Denver sucks, good deal, whatever. Not why I’m writing right now.As I’m sure you all know, since ESPN took over Monday Night Football, their claim to fame in the innovation department has been to bring in random celebrity types to awkwardly plug their latest movie, show, play, album, cooker or what have you. Last night was Vince Vaughn’s turn in the booth to promote Fred Claus.

Isn't he dreamy. Seriously, though, I like Vince Vaughn. Especially since he and his agent finally decided to stop trying to over think his career and basically go ahead and slap Trent from Swingers into random situations and pretend it’s a different movie. More importantly, though, is that I buy Vince Vaughn as a man. An actual man who might actually sit down with a few too many beers and watch a football game. Jeremy Piven or Christian Slater? Seriously fucking doubt it. But Trent, sure. So he held his own as well as anybody can in this horribly uncomfortable situation.

Kornheiser: So, Vince tell us about your new film, Fred Claus.

Vaughn: Oh, okay. Well I play the black sheep brother of Santa-

Tirico: And Selmon Young breaks it to the outside! He slips a tackle! He’s got room to run…and he’s out at the 5!!!

Kornheiser: Is it a good movie for the kids?

Vaughn: Um…yeah, kids will like it. It’s the same director as Wedding Crashers, so adults will like it too, even though it’s obviously not the same type of humor as that movie.

Other Guy: There’s a flag down, this one’s coming back.

Kornheiser: Wedding Crashers certainly wasn’t a children’s movie.

Vaughn: I kind of just said that. Seriously, I don’t want to be here with you idiots so cut me some slack, Kornheiser.

See, just uncomfortable. Anyway, at one point I believe it was Kornheiser who asked Trent whether he performed his own stunts during the backyard FOOTBALL scene in Wedding Crashers. How topical. Vince replied, and I’m paraphrasing here, but this is the gist of it:

“I know a lot of actors really enjoy and take pride in doing there own stunts, but I’m more than happy to let the stuntman take the abuse. Then I just go out there and pretend to dust myself off and go on with the scene.”

Imagine Vince Vaughn saying that in his Vince Vaughn way. Totally tongue and cheek. Chuckle funny. Well, when I woke up this morning I turned on Fox News in the morning because even though the fruity,” in your face gay”, gay guy who does human interests stories drives me up the friggin’ wall, the weather girl is more than serviceably cute enough to make me start my day with a smile. And by smile I mean boner. So while she is giving her weather update and subliminally reminding me to wait for her in the back seat of her care when she gets off, here is what the crawl on the screen below reads:


Fucking awesome! Thank you Fox News in the Morning!

Oh, and check out this glorious gem from the wonderful folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber. Solid gold. Go Bolts!!!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Half A Game? Still Get A Full Snow Cone.

Been a while since I’ve gotten on Canepa’s case. According to his column in today’s Union Mirror Gazette Post, Nicky feels that this game between our once again beloved Bolts and the “yep, they're still not very good” Tehans didn’t really even appear to happen or some other such bullshit. While I have to admit that by the end of the third quarter I was no longer in the vicinity of any kind of television set, that was quite a story unfolding throughout the first half of the game.

We’re doing what we should be doing in destroying inferior teams. That’s huge. That’s how a team gets its confidence back. Are we ready for another shot at evil? Not just yet, but keep this up and do the same against some of the good teams left on our schedule and maybe, just maybe, by the time the post season rolls around we’ll head on into Foxboro and kick the Devil in the groin. Have some observation:

1) Vincent Jackson obviously does not scare any defensive coordinator currently employed in the NFL. Chris Chambers obviously does. Antonio Gates has been getting’ his all season, but I’ve never seen him that free consistently. He might end up with his best year ever, and that’s saying something.

2) Drayton Florence can’t help himself when it comes to stupid mistakes, and I couldn’t care less. I don’t think it’s terribly outrageous to predict that by this time next year (or maybe even by the end of this year), Antonio Cromartie might just establish himself as a consistent big play guy.

Oops, that's wrong.

There it is.

3) We should get more guys named Antonio.

4) I’m still baffled as to why we can’t sustain any kind of pass rush. I know that Shaun Phillips spent most of yesterday’s game on the bench with an injury (not serious, apparently), but where is the destructivepresence of our “Magnificent Seven”? This is just fodder for all the Merriman is to Barry Bonds as pot is to kettle crowd. And Luis Castillo has ½ a sack right now? Come on.

5) 3 TD passes is all well and fine, but the first one to Gates was abominable, and the overthrow to Chambers was inexcusable. You’re a second year starter in your fourth year in the NFL, Philip. That isn’t going to fly against a good team.

All in all, it’s hard to get too upset about a 35-10 win that gets us back over .500 for the first time since week 2. Still, when are we really going to know what we have here? Probably not until the Colts (I think Canepa actually alluded to this same query, but fuck him, his article still sucked).Until then, bring on Adrian Peterson and the Minnesota Vikings. I’m not worried. That worries me. Go Bolts!!!

Friday, October 26, 2007

We're Playing Who Again?

It looks the Bolts will stick their regularly appointed schedule this weekend and I couldn’t be happier. Say so long to the bye week and hello to recovery. That’s right, bitches, we’re America’s Team now!!! Screw you New Orleans, you had your chance.

Unfortunately, however, we play the Houston Texans this weekend and that makes it hard for me to analyze this game in depth. If we were talking about the Oilers, that would be a different story. Warren Moon. Now there was a non-threatening black man you could set your watch to. Played a number of years for Oh Canada! as I recall.

As far as these Texans (and I believe the “x” is pronounced like an “h” but I’m not certain) I’m not sure what to tell you. They gained quite a reputation for passing on “maybe awesome,” “possibly just okay in big boy football” Reggie Bush and “the smartest man in the world for holding out of training camp and into the season” Jamarcus Russell. The Tehans are being picked by many-at 3-4 no less-to be the sleeper team of the year, which tells you quite a bit about the talent disparity in the NFL this year. They may be starting Sage Rosenfels over the banged-up Matt Shaub this week. What? Makes me feel like sitting down with a nice bottle of wine and making some sound financial investments. The long and the longer of it is this: I don’t know who the fuck these guys are, but I know we’re way better than them. Problem is, as far as lifting the city’s spirits go, San Diego teams bat around the Mendoza line at best. The most likely scenario would be that we beat this team from Houston for three quarters, they make a miraculous comeback, and our kicker manages to miss what would have been his 8th field goal of the day.

Pish posh, I jest. We’re going to murder that team. We will redirect all of our fiery hatred of fire onto them. Chargers 38, Tehans 10. Burn! By the way, fire sucks, but would you rather deal with fire or that shit that went down in Arachnophobia? I mean, sure fire burns down your house, but it doesn’t jump out of a cereal box or climb down your wet, naked body in the shower. That’s a real brain buster right there.

As for the rest of the games, I pick the Colts and Patriots to slaughter whoever the hell they’re playing, and I’m not quite ready to start picking all the games yet, but I will definitely being doing so for the second half of the season. Unless I’m not. Hot girl!

One last thing; Let the record show that I am fully against playing regular season games overseas. Let the Limeys screw off for all I care. They have their own “football.” It’s not our fault it sucks. What’s next, Germany? Then the Nazis will truly have won. We already have the Pro Bowl in Hawaii, isn’t that enough? Go Bolts!!!


Chargers play as scheduled, Sunday 1:00, MurphComm Arena. Be there or be square.

Quick Question.

The Mayor of San Diego has given the green light for the Chargers to play at their regularly scheduled Sunday kick-off time in QualMurph Ball Stadium, but the Chargers are, for some reason, hemming and hawing over the final decision. They're claiming air quality issues and while that seems to be a legitimate concern I have to wonder if their isn't a bit more in play here. Does anyone else here think the Spanos' aren't above using this disaster as an excuse to move the game to Monday night and cut a deal with the NFL Network or ESPN (for ESPN 2) to show the game? Trust me, CBS is not going to pre-empt their primetime schedule for this game. The truth is, I don't even know if the above scenario is even a possibility, but the whole thing makes no sense. The air quality in areas that never actually caught fire down here seems to be fine. Of course, I'm no scientificator, so what the hell do I know?

Of course, there is one other possibility. Maybe they're looking for a venue in L.A. so they can showcase the Chargers to their future home. Don't go, Bolts!!!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Actually, Don't Let Me Stand Next To Your Fire.

As the bye week fades into sad memory it becomes time once again to post up or shut up. As most of you are probably aware, for the second time in four years, San Diego County has burned mostly to the ground. Weak. I’m fine, which is obviously the most important thing. I'm doing okay mostly because I do not live in an area that was constantly ravaged by brush fires even before there was track kindling there. Anyway, as a result of said fire, the Chargers once again must scramble to figure out when and where to play their scheduled home game, this time against the Houston Oilers (Last time it was a significantly better than present Miami team). At the moment, Qualcomm Murphy Stadium is been used as an evacuation shelter for people who have been run out of their toaster strudels-er…homes. Last time we had such an enormous conflagration (that totally means fire, look it up!) the air quality over San Diego was so bad that even without the refugee status of the stadium there was no way there’d be a football game here at home. That is not the case this time as strong winds have blown most of the smoke and ash out over the ocean where the stupid fishes and underwater aliens can deal with that shit. Originally, I figured that my brother was probably right and that the Spanoses would just make the 10,000 or so displacees (made that one up) buy a ticket. Or maybe they’d move it out to Phoenix or Tempe. Instead, it looks like they’re just going to go ahead and kick everybody out and have it at QualMurph on Monday. Sweet humanitarianism. They should at least let them stick around for the tailgate. The funny thing is, this becomes the Bolts only Monday night game of the season. Beause that’s what 14-2 gets you these days. I also have to wonder if the game will even get televised if this turns out to be the case? I have no idea and I’m too lazy to actually try and find out, but I’ll be really pissed if I have to wait another fucking week to see my Chargers play. Fucking irate. Last time we had a big ole stupid fire, it was a Monday night game that ended up getting moved to Arizona. I had a ticket to that game. I was not about to drive to Arizona, so fuck me. I think there are two very obvious conclusions to be made here:

1) Fire hates me.

2) Fire can just go ahead and fucking rot already.

In all seriousness, though, there is not nearly enough God in this blog, so I’d like to go ahead and thank God that it seems most of my own personal friends and family seem to have escaped this disaster with their lives and livelihoods pretty well intact. I’d also like to offer my sincerest condolences to everyone affected by the blaze, and to commend the many of you who actually left your homes when authorities told you to this time, resulting in what so far appears to be a significantly lower death toll. Good on ya.

That’s it for now. I’ll try to write more footbally stuff tomorrow. Go Bolts!!! Fire, not so much.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

At Least He's Not "Making It Rain."

If you are not checking out With Leather on a daily base you are only hurting yourself.


Eric Parker just went the IR list for his TOE injury. Guess that explains the Chambers pick-up. Too bad. I'd like to have seen them both on the field. I'm just about done with the Vincent Jackson experiment. The inconsistency makes me incontinent.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Out Of Left Field, This One.

It's currently being reported that the Chargers have sent a 2nd round draft pick to Miami for WR Chris Chambers. Chambers has supposedly confirmed the trade, but not the details. While 2nd round might seem a little high, Chris Chambers is a talented receiver on a team unable to utilize him. In San Diego, he'd be a guy who's proven capable of doing the things we wish Vincent Jackson would do consistently, so all in all, I think I like this move. Maybe even love it. It does beg the question, though, is Eric Parker coming back at all now?

Update: This trade has been confirmed, and the more I think about it, the more I like it. I've already heard people comparing this to David Boston or Keenan McCardell. The Boston comparison is ludicrous. That guy had problems before and after the Chargers. McCardell would be closer to the truth, but for the fact that Chambers is about six years younger than McCardell was when we signed him. I think this move can only make us better. As far as the price, I would guess we tried our damnest to offer a 3rd rounder, but ultimately realized we'd get a 3rd for Turner when he leaves, giving us ammo to trade back up into the 2nd if need be.

Monday, October 15, 2007

The Cowboys? Nope. The Raiders? Nuh-uh. Not Them Either.

Well, that was the easiest call I ever made in my life. I can’t say it made me happy, though. I don’t hold any particular disdain for the Cowgirls, or Tony Romo for that matter. In fact, despite Adrian Peterson giving me a reason to have a bit more than just a passing interest in the Vikings’ games, I couldn’t care less if the Girls mowed down the entire field in the NFC.

You’ve heard of the NFC, right? That’s the division where teams like the Cardinals and the Buccaneers are currently considered heavy front-runners for postseason berths. And quite frankly, I absolutely despise the Patriots. And I don’t mean despise in the way I say I despise Kid Rock, but it’s really envy, cause the guy’s pretty homely and all his songs sound pretty similar but he still gets to bang models 3 and 4 at a time. I mean I despise them because their douchey fans give me no other option. Bostonians are frickin’ terrible. I never even met a Boston fan before the Patriots knocked off the mighty Rams in Super Bowl XXsomethingLIIV or whatever. At the time, there was much back patting and high-fiving and everyone was all, “Good for you, Bostonians! It couldn’t happen to a seemingly nicer group of fans.” The Patriots were the Little Giants or the Bad News Bears. Everbody likes to see David topple Goliath. Then David turned into a pompous Dickhead. Or at least his slobbering denizens did, and then the fucking Red Sox won the ALCS over the “Evil Empire” in dramatic fashion and you just knew it was only going to suck from there on out.

Now, everywhere you go you run into Tom Brady disciples and “Slightly less Evil Empire” enthusiasts. On Sundays they throw fits and demand to know why their beloved teams aren’t featured on the biggest loudest TV in the bar over the home team. These people even still manage to have the attitude that they are the “good guys” in sport, despite signing a malcontent like Randy Moss and being caught cheating during games, without a hint of irony. Now the Pats and Sox need their own David to knock them and their obnoxious throngs of swooning fanatics from their tower. Hopefully, the Rocks will handle the Sox, but who’s going to handle the Pats?

The sad fact of the matter is, they are just unbelievable right now. Who can take care of them? The Colts? Maybe. It’d be nice because we could all go back to the familiar territory of the pundits wondering whether the Colts could go undefeated, and we all know they can’t. If it’s not them, then it probably won’t happen in the regular season. The rest of their schedule is soft and their division is somehow even less competitive than the West. And this isn’t the old Patriots that let bad teams hang around until legging out 3 at the end of regulation for the win. This team is twisting the knife, leaving it in the corpse, using way more nails than a rational person would deem reasonable to seal the coffin, then setting it on fire, and chucking it off of a cliff into the deepest part of the ocean. I’m still holding out hope that our Bolts can right their ship and return the favor of an early playoff exit this postseason, but it certainly looks like our window of Super Bowl opportunity turned into a peephole over the off-season.

Speaking of our Bolts, I should probably say a few words about their effort yesterday. Offensively, we were like a reverse Oreo cookie, because the middle was kind of shitty, but the ends were super sweet. I don’t have to tell you that pick six by Rivers was one of the uglier passes I’ve seen in a while, though, and you hate to see him keep making those kinds of mistakes. Especially against an opponent that very well might only be able to hurt you in that exact way. The defense looked solid and hungry throughout most of the game and that was nice to see. When they gave it up a little late in the game, TBE and the offense turned it on again. It was nice to see the two units compliment and carry each other. After TBE’s 2006esque performance yesterday, maybe people will back off on the man for being a bit whiny the first month of the season. I mean, you’d be kind of bitchy too if you knew you could do that, but your coaches wouldn’t let you.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Denver and Oakland are bad teams and I am not counting any chickens, but we did beat them up pretty good, and that’s what good teams are supposed to do to bad teams. Those kinds of games can get a teams confidence up and make you sharp. Also, don’t be surprised to see that offense begin to run even more smoothly with the return of Eric Parker after the bye. Sure, he was among the most egregious goats of last years playoff loss, but it seems like people forget how much of a factor he was in the offense’s regular season success last year. Vincent Jackson has not been able to fill those shoes, and honestly probably shouldn’t be asked to. Parker is more of a possession guy like a Charlie Joiner was for the Chargers of old. We need Jackson to be more of a John Jefferson. Wes Chandler? Okay, Curtis Conway, maybe?

Anyway, the season starts anew at 3-3, and right now that feels pretty okay after our inauspicious beginning. Enjoy the dreaded bye. Go Bolts!!!

Friday, October 12, 2007

Tony Fucking Romo? No Way!

Maybe it was the first time I saw an ad for the new season of Inside the NFL and the prospect of watching that shit festival shut down my barely serviceable to begin with brain in a hot minute. Maybe it’s the fact that Friday Night Lights has somehow managed to last nearly a full year after I Cut it and continues to get rave critical reviews despite the fact that last I heard ( I swear I don’t watch that crap) somebody had murdered somebody and dumped their body in a river. Ahh, high school football, it never changes. Maybe that’s why I didn’t begin to post to this mess when the season began. Maybe I figured a good old-fashion schellacking of the Chicago Bears would wake up my thirst for half-assed football punditry.

Alas, it didn’t come, and in fact it left me wondering what would the future bring for my Chargers? I was stumped, but surely we’d come out strong against the hated Boston Patriots in a revenge match-up for the ages. Who fears Randy Moss? Didn’t we knock that guy out for eight games just a couple of years ago? This game would stoke our fires and begin TBE’s march towards back to back MVP awards. Still, the word around town was that this Pats team was tougher, faster, stronger-basically bionic-so I steeled myself for the worst imaginable outcome. A close loss. I could handle that. We’d fight them tooth and nail, and they might come out ahead in the end, but that would just give us deadly motivation to return the favor of an early play-off exit a few short months from now. Then, the unthinkable happened.

Twenty minutes into regulation the game was far out of hand. We had been dealt our shit early and it never got any better. Two games into a season is hardly time to give up or toss oneself to the side of the road before the bandwagon careens off a ten thousand foot cliff, but certainly that game sounded an alarm. In fact, that game was surely the most ultimate of football clich├ęs. The eye-opener. The fucking wake-up call to end all wake-up calls. Somebody had to pay. That somebody, through a cruel twist of cheesehead fate, would surely be the Green Bay Packers. So sad. I like Favre. He’s a guy who truly loves the game and plays it like a kid playing Pop Warner. He didn’t deserve what was coming. To be the nearly expired cheddar in a Merriman-Phillips grilled cheese sandwich. He deserved a more dignified send-off, but the National Football League can be a cruel mistress. Or can it? Oh, cursed twist!!!

Where art thou, Greg Jennings? Oh, there thy art. Right where Donnie Edwards used to stand. But surely a linebacker by any other name would cover so sweet. Nay, fuck you AJ. So what? Green Bay is off to a hell of a start. Favre is a crafty veteran. There is no shame in losing a hard fought battle against a grizzled veteran determined to take one last earnest shot at the promised land. Good game to you, Sir Brett, you are a feisty geezer, and we shall vacate your lawn post-haste. 1-2 and it’s time to right the ship. And what is this layed out before us?

The lowly Chiefs on an ornamental silver plater. Nay, a fucking alter! A sacrifice to our underachieving football machine. It’s time to grease the wheels with this bountiful offering. Thank you Lord, for this gift we are about to receive. Get out the carving knives this is going to be brutal. Surely, we can afford to leave some players at home. TBE and First Down Gates can watch live via satellite from Hawaii while they pick out the best bikini learing beach digs for Pro Bowl weekend.

Fuck yeah! I mean, that’s Damon fucking Huard out there and he’s no Rex Grossman. Oh shit, he’s really no Rex Grossman, but Dwayne Bowe might be Greg Jennings. Okay, fuck this shit, I still can’t write about it. Norv Turner is what we thought he was, Ted Cotrell wears a hockey helmet, and why didn’t anyone tell me that Ron Rivera was a lazy Mexican? So that’s it. 1-3 and we’re headed to Denver. Fucking Denver sucks, but you just fucking know that they’re going to jam it up our collective ass, because they’re fucking Denver and we suck and next week we can all start doing our laundry on Sundays and show up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to work on Monday. Football is a lie. Girls are better than boys, and cats have our best interests at heart. Dogs are the real villains and they are fucking untamable beasts I tell you.

And then it happened. Finally the true Chargers MVP stepped up to the plate. Or, more accurately, the mound. That’s right, I’m talkin’ ‘bout Trevor Hoffman. The Denver Rockies beat him up bad, and it’s seems the Bolts didn’t take it too well. The Padres are like their kid brother. Sure, he’s annoying, and always trying to tag along and not living up to his potential cause mom and dad spoiled him too much, but God damn it, he’s still their little brother and nobody fucks with him but us!

So the Chargers proceed to beat the bully to a bloody pulp, finally sort of showing the dominance that’s been expected all along, but really more exposing how shitbox Denver is. Fucking Shit Ponies. Now the Chargers head into the final week before the bye to battle the…um…Raiders? For first place in the West? Seriously? Hold on, lemme check this out……………..Wow. That’s right. I don’t think the Chargers have played the Raiders in any even remotely meaningful football game since the very early 80s. That’s crazy. We’re going to fucking destroy them.

Anyway, the real reason I chose to start writing again actually has very little to do with the Chargers at all. It does, however, have everything to do with a certain Tony Romo. That’s right, Tony Romo. I can only imagine that if you walk into a room where Tony Romo is holding court, and you are wearing a press badge, Romo will give the most you the most amazing blow job you ever had in your life. How else can you explain the fact that he has been more or less canonized by the media following a performance where he threw 5 picks and fumbled the ball away one more time for posterity? Yeah, I know they came back and all, but this wasn’t some great football team a la the Kansas City Chiefs or the Green Bay Packers, this was barely a football team at all. It was the Bills. You know, from Buffalo? Yeah, those guys. The ones who play a wide receiver at corner. And not like a Troy Brown, I’ve played in the NFL for 25 years so I’m pretty good at football wide receiver. I mean, an I don’t recall this guy ever actually playing a down in professional football wide receiver. Turned DB. So, my question is, does anybody really think the Cowgirls are going to “hang” with the Patriots this Sunday? I guess ESPN and everybody else have to play it up like that, but they really have me convinced that they believe it. What they don’t have me convinced of is that Tony Romo and Terrell Owens are capable of preparing Tom Brady and Randy Moss’ jocks for gameday. What with Gold Bond medicated and whatnot. I do, however find it hard to believe that the Patriots can keep scoring in the 30s. Patriots 45, Cowgirls 17.

That was hard. That was definitely something close to praise of the Pats and I am not proud of that. But, really, I was trying to point out that the NFC has a bit of a way to go if their saviors are eeking out comebacks against the Bills.

So, there it is. A post. I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope that appeases those of you who’ve been kind enough to request the return of my presence here. Now, quit calling me. Here's some Charlize Theron in a bikini. Totally underrated hotty cause she made herself ugly for that movie where she made herself ugly.

Go Bolts!!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

What's this? Victory?

Holy fucking shit. Send out a Goddamned email, text message, fucking note strapped to a carrier pigeon, the Bolts won a fucking game. Convincingly. A game mind you that they were supposed to win. WHAT THE FUCK. I, for one am shocked. Shocked I tell you, not in that skateboarder falling down a staircase and busting his balls on a rail shocked, but mildly surprised nonetheless. Is the apocalypse upon us? Nah, the football team just looked like the team of yore...

I wanted to take a few days to process this as my goal this season was objectivity. Could I nitpick and find numerous errors during that non-debacle performance in the Mile High Shittown? Sure. I could point out some shortcomings, but out of fairness I won't. I'm also not going to climb back on to the overly crowded and way to emotional bandwagon and demand a spot in the fellatio line. It seems as if you aren't allowed to be objective and criticize wins in this town. Wins, are supposed to shut your mouth and have you fall in line. Surprise, surprise when I open up
Nick's page to find yet another fluffer (that's not a typo) piece. It's almost as if the directive came from the Lord Sith himself, "Nick, get the minions in line. Get the fools back on board this ship." So sayeth the sith, so does the Nick. The comments are a particular cheap thrill as well. (read them, they are awesome!)

I swear to Christ, there's a reason we aren't a good sports town. People here don't know shit. One win, and now Norv is immune to criticism. GO BOLTS!!! They say. Well, I for one am not buying it yet. What I saw on Sunday was an enjoyable beat down of a tremendously inferior football team. Yes, we trounced them on their home turf, a place where that feat is notoriously difficult to achieve. All the breaks went our way and our mistakes were not magnified. Good for them. Hopefully, this is just what is necessary to take this squad to the next level. I for one, want to see it. You are still going to have to do some proving to me fellas...Sorry if that is contrary to the beliefs of the masses.

And so of course, one of the new features, the Dejection Photo of the Week, is blown. There was no mass dejection, no obvious displays of sadness and frustration. I'm glad to put that feature to bed with a heavy dose of ether, wait... perhaps I spoke to soon...

Ahhh, Dejection at the hands of Jamal and the rest of the gang. Hey, I know it's not some dipshit backwards ass Colorodan crying in his watered down Coors, but hey, the stadium was empty in the third quarter. They don't stick around there when the team sucks shit, they leave. We emptied that bitch. There were a few, "Jay Cutler is God!", sounds emanating from some far off corner. Sure, if you substitute "God" for "Anal Worshiping Ass Whore". Yeah, that sounds right.

There were a few 'Conversations From the Heart' this week as well, but most of them had to do with the waitress, dammit again, 'server' in our area who looks like she was put toghether with plastic by the hands of horny angels. Good Lord is she hot. If I can get a photo next time without getting arrested again you all will see her. Be patient. And no, none of those conversations were fit for print. Use your imagination and think massive quantities of nudity, honey and barn animal style fornication and you won't be even close...

Madden Prediction Delorean Vehicle

The Flux Capacitor malfunctioned this week and the game was not played. We will be one short of our complete 16 game season. Fuck off if that matters and or bothers you. It'll be back this week...oh, and if you have spare time, and I know you do, Google "malfunction", that's a kick...

Wrapping this up right, a cheerleader...

And yes, it's Raider Week now as well.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Circling the Drain...

Sweet Fucking Jesus Pete impaled on a popsicle stick. Each week comes with high expectations and each week ends in utter disappointment. I'm at a loss to even be able to quantify disappointment at this point, expectations be damned, there are no more expectations. I'm trying out a new feature, the Dejected Photo of the Week, or DPW from here on out...

This debacle, this utter failure on every level of the playing field, throughout the clubhouse, up into the coaching ranks and as far as the higher ups sitting on their golden thrones is a reality. This is not a small blip on a radar screen that can be easily wiped away with a victory. No. This is a sinking ship. This ship is burning, horrifyingly exploding on every level, and all of those in the Captain garb are sitting calmly asking us to be patient. The life boats will arrive, and there will be a plenty, plenty for all, but the ship isn't sinking. No it's fine. Ignore the flaming exploding shrapnel and toe the line. A 12 point favorite, the Bolts were destroyed by 14 points on their home field by a team that is widely regarded as a cellar dwelling, Strahan mouthed, troll whore who'd sell her soul for a Marlboro and a Natural Light. If you told me I could have KC and Hermy Edwards -13.5 in San Diego, I'd have kidnapped and bet Tom Cruise's Super Cult Baby on it. I'd be taking on the entire Alien World at that point so you'd figure it's a lock. Apparently not so much.

The crowd on Sunday so much as chanted Marty's name as the curtain was a raging flaming, falling catastrophe. To them I say, fuck you cocksucking idiot assholes. Don't try to convince me you weren't the ones calling for his severed head to be displayed on A.J.'s regal sceptor. And now, now you want him back? Go fuck yourselves.

Where is the failure mostly falling? Nick sure as shit doesn't know. He has some ideas. Clearly, the defense is partially to blame, so Ted, you're on fucking notice. Obviously the players aren't doing the job with defending the goal line, so again, chalk that up to the players, and perhaps the new system. The corners are doing their best Travis Henry impression and couldn't cover their dicks with a condom of late. And there is still that matter of the missing linebacker who seemed to be all over the fucking place wearing red on Sunday. I'm looking at you on that one A.Jenius. Top to bottom, fucking failure.

Offense? The quarterback has played slightly less than inspired football. I'd say he ranks right between "Sucks Shit Out of Prisoners" and "Rex Grossman". Let's not let that overshadow the smiting of The Best Ever by the Pockmarked Offensive Guru.

And then there was the enigma that is Vinny Jack, where this guy has gotten all of his credibility is beyond me, he and Termel Sledge must have naked pictures of both Kevin Towers and A.J.'s daughters involved in some slutty girls gone wild threesome.

Since we are working on new features, we're also going to have the new, "Conversations From the Heart". These are actual musings heard during the course of the game. Overheard on Sunday when Norvy grabbed a cheekful of pits after yet another calamity:

"Sweet fucking mercy, once a loser, always a FUCKING LOSER."

Kind of hard to debate the merits and accuracy of that statement as the record column became yet another point richer in the Loss line.

Madden Prognostication Station

This week, the Madden Game Generator had this thing pinned right on. Kansas City came out throwing and in the later stages never looked back. Final score 26-10. Who'd have fuckin' known?

And finally. Without any reason or necessity except for consoling those around here mourning the potential collapse of a Super Power, CHEERLEADERS GOD DAMMIT!!!

And now it's Donkey Week as well...