I don't know, you figure it out.
I have to admit, I was awfully close to falling off the wagon altogether and never getting back on with regards to these Inside the Brown Eye posts. Taking last week off was sweet bliss, like eating a whole pizza in your underwear. But the danger is letting one week turn into two. Two into four. Next thing you know you’re buying fat guy clothes and you old pants are in a plastic bag in the garage, because you swear it’s only temporary and once you turn it back on you’ll lose the weight in no time! It’s mostly water weight God damn it! What was I talking about? Oh right, this stupid summary. The trick is that you’ve got to gently get back on the horse. If you dive right back in you’ll just burn yourself out. That’s why this week’s summary might come across as softer and maybe a little more blasé, mailed-in and probably not all that funny. Deal with it, I’m working the steps, people.
First off, I pretty much skipped the first eight minutes of the program. I caught something about the ridiculous roughing the QB penalties in the league these days and I was impressed to hear Bob “I’m comin’ in, Streisand” Costas call for a lesser, “running into the QB” penalty like they have with kickers. That wasn’t whacky of him at all. Other than that, though, missed the intro. I had no idea what was coming and I have to admit the feeling was somewhat exhilarating. Would they feature Tiki this week? Whose mom would be attending the game and livening up the coverage with their sassy mouth? I was atwitter.
We begin with the vaGiants at the Titans, or vice versa. I don’t recall where the game was played but I remember a lot of cheering late in the game so I have to assume it was in Tennessee. And that it was really funny. Cause the vaGiants suck. That’s the kind of loss that turns you into an Archie rather than a Peyton.
Saints @ Falcons
So the Falcons suffer their fourth straight loss since Mike Vick became a solid NFL QB and I have to wonder where it all went wrong? Was this guy just not able to catch in college, because he has no business being a full time QB. What do I know, I’m a total racist? Hey Drew Brees, where were those on-the-money, lead-the-receiver passes when you were a Charger. Seriously guys, he’s coming for us.
So the square table convenes and right after showing highlights of an NFC on NFC match-up, Costas asks why the AFC is so much better than the NFC. Sweet editing INFL. Worthless says it’s because the AFC feeds off it’s own inner rivalries just like the Yankees and the Red sox feed off of theirs. I know INFL is taped, but how does this guy manage to not get punched in the face during all those live Sunday broadcasts he does? Then Costas says the St. Louis Cardinals weren’t the best team in baseball and they still won the World Series, so I check the digital cable guide and make sure I’m still watching a football show. Marino chimes in with something about the Bears cause that seems like a pretty safe bet to him and Carter bags on the vaGiants so pencil them in for a win this week. They go on and on about the vaGiants’ bitchy players and whether Romo can play in New York and I’m pretty sure Marino ultimately picks Chicago to win the Superbowl in 6.
Jax @ Buffalo
How many times do I have to say it? The Jags are not actually playing football. They are actively trying to fuck up my picks.
Pitt @ Baltimore
Big Gay Ben’s pump fake may actually be worse than Byron Leftwich’s, which may have something to do with why he was sacked nine times in this game. No late season run for you! I’m betting you won’t even make a convincing spoiler at this point.
Worthless, Marino and Carter now take the time to sit around and verbally fellate Brian Billick for his offensive prowess, and I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to be writing this after the Ravens almost put up a big fat goose egg against the Bengals last night. Thank God for garbage time TDs. Suck your genius, Billick! The boys move on to the Dolphins and their knack for ruling when it doesn’t matter. Marino goes out on a limb and says that Saban may have misjudged the QB sitch over there. Mmmm, maaaaybe. Let’s not get hasty. Marino then says the QB position will be wide open next year. Worthless wants to know if Joey Harrington is a QB that could win the Superbowl. Here Marino finally puts his foot down and answers no, but maybe. Take it to the bank, people.
Oh joyous day, Cris Carter is off to talk to Larry Johnson and Herm Edwards! Cris immediately goes into his iambic pentameter voiceover about Johnson’s frustrating beginning with the Chiefs and how things have turned around since Herm took over. Seriously what is up with that cadence, Cris? Do your cue cards only fit two words at a time? Anyway, I can’t figure out if this is supposed to be the tearjerker of the week, because these two are like father and son, or if this is supposed to supplant the brother on brother feature? The bottom line is, Dick Vermeil was a dick and no white coach can ever relate to a black player, but Herm has Larry’s back and that’s all he ever needed. I have to wonder how fatherly Hermy would be towards Johnson if Priest Holmes were still healthy and running for 6 or 7 yards a pop and a gazillion TDs? I'm not trying to knock Larry or his abilities, but it sure is looking awfully Denver over there in KC.
Here’s the part where I realize the Bobby has been reading this weekly summary, because instead of making some goofy joke about Larry Johnson’s Herm Edwards impression (Okay, he did make a stupid joke about it, but then…) Bobby got down on Johnson for his comments regarding white coaches and black athletes. What? Bobby, you better look out or the gang will start taking you seriously again, and you won’t be the life of the party anymore. Worthless and Marino ride the politically correct fence on this and I thank them for it because I was not in the studio to stroke my white guilt myself. Carter says it’s true that white coaches don’t understand black player’s, but Bobby ain’t having it. He mad dogs Carter until he apologizes for Johnson hating whitey! Well played, Bob. Of course, I personally find it hard to believe that a Dick Vermeil or a Joe Gibbs could possibly understand where today’s young black man is coming from. Phew! That feels better.
Raiders @ Chargers
I was kind of hoping that the Chargers would escape this week’s highlight reel, because that game wasn’t all that pretty to look at. It’s not that I don’t love to watch TBE trotting into the end zone or tossing his umpteenth TD pass, it’s that I knew we were going to have to see that that damn Big Vinny mental shart one more time. The highlights were tempered by an interview with TBE (who has got to be on ludes by the way) and the fact that he was miked up during the game, but it was still hard to watch. Also, this whole miked up thing is kind of lame, even when it’s my favorite player. I mean, very few people say anything on the field that you want to hear when they know everybody’s listening. Now, if they didn’t tell them they were miked, that would be something. “Last night your momma sucked the poo outta my ass with a straw, bitch!” Come on, it’s HBO.
King’s Corner! King’s Corner! Party time! Excellent!
Roger Goodell is upping fines in the NFL. $10,000 to Mike Vick for flipping off his fans plus $10,000 to charity. Could you imagine if the CHPs could fine you $10,000 for flipping people off on the freeway? Man, it is hard to be a player in the NFL. King makes big apologies for Vick and says that the WRs aren’t catching the ball. I agree, but maybe they’re not catching the ball because Ron Mexico’s cooties are all over it. Still Vick’s fault. As for Mora, he’s coaching for a job, and the Brushback nails it. PK morphs into Dan Marino here and says Bill Cowher may or may not coach in Pitt next year. Great, thanks for the inside scoop. Jeff Fischer will be back with the Titans, it seems, and I guess it’s okay since they're in the AFC and Dallas is in the NFC, so there will be no real conflict of interest until the Superbowl.
Bears @ Pats
At about week five this would have been billed the Battle of the New Montanas! This was more like Gino Toretta vs. Danny Wuerffel. Good D? Bad O? Whatever. I’m not sold on the Bears and I’m really not sold on the Pats anymore. You shouldn’t be worried about the Pats either, unless you’re from Jersey, and then you’ve got bigger problems like you’re probably an ass.
Colts @ Eggles
Willie Baskett got to throw the ball in this game. Poor Eggles. The Colts can clinch the division next week. That division is a giant shit burger.
Cards @ Vi Queens
The Cardinals made a run at this one, but like a date with a proctologist, it ended predictably.
I missed a couple of minutes in there and I got really excited cause I thought I had maybe missed the retard face-off, but…
Back to the true nature of the face-off, it’s Marino and Carter entertaining questions from Worthless.
1) Replace Grossman? Carter says yes because look what it done for Denver. So I immediately call the time lady to see if I actually lost time in an alien abduction, because I don’t recall Cutler having even started a game. You’re creeping me out Carter. I don’t think Dan actually answers the question again and Worthless agrees with Carter because he also thinks Cutler is the tits or something. I think a more fitting question is whether Orton got a bad wrap?
2) Vick or Young? What do you know, Marino wants them both. Why does he even show up? Carter likes Young because of Vick’s health issues and I have to wonder if Cris can actually see into the future at this point? Worthless says he likes Vick even though nobody asked him his stupid opinion.
3) Is Bledsoe having LSD flashbacks? Seriously, that was the question. There may have been more, but that’s all I heard and I didn’t even listen to the answers. That’s a big time HBO question and I can hardly wait until INFL starts taking full advantage and showing cheerleader tits.
4) Who had a worse week? Eli? Coughlin? Kramer? This show is dumb.
Carolina @ Washington
Hey, we get an SIS and wouldn’t you know it fucks up my whole curse theory. Honestly, the teams they feature on these SISes are about 2-14 on the year for the week they film them. That’s a curse. If you see NFL Films at you team’s stadium shiv those fuckers! Anyway, this week’s SIS is about Britney Spears and her friends and how much they love the Redskins. Oh wait, those are those loveable Redskin loving Hogettes. My bad. Sorry everybody whose teams didn’t make the highlight cut, but here’s some drunk cross-dressing old queens for you. Cooley had a big play in this boring game, but he’s no Dallas Clark.
Here’s some picks:
Marino and Costas like Seattle over Denver.
Everybody likes the Saints.
Worthless: Eli never should have forced the Chargers’ hand. He would have been much happier in San Diego. Way to redeem yourself, Chris Collinsworth.
Costas: Well wishes to Bill Walsh who is battling Leukemia. I’m certainly not going to try to make that into the funny.
Carter: Marino better be scared with Drew Brees and Brett Favre both looking to take a big record away from him. Season passing yards and Career TD passes repectively. And Brees is going to tie Marino’s number of Superbowl appearances this year too.
Marino: Rags on Carter and I don’t care because Danny is totally mailing in this broadcast every week so fuck him.