In honor of a nostalgia heavy theme, here's Shania Twain, who is still hot with great tits. Thanks Hollywood Tuna!
Get ready faithful readers, because you are going to get a buttload of content today. With Scrubs returning to Thursday nights with new episodes, I have to watch the first broadcast of Inside the Dark Rivers of the Heart on Wednesday, so I’ll go ahead and summarize that today. Okay, I know that I’ve been saying that was the plan for a while now, but those of you who’ve been paying attention are painfully aware that I’ve been pretty much full of shit on that front so far. With the NFL Network showing some games to some people on Thursdays, I have to get my picks in today, so you’ll get those this afternoon or this evening. The good news is that tomorrow will be nice and open for some serious Charger love, which I feel that maybe I’ve been neglecting to the point that some people think I don’t properly worship them anymore. Fuck you half-the-fan-I-ams! So, let’s get this show on the road, shall we?
It is my miserable pleasure to summarize what will likely go down in history as the most aggravating, worthless piece of shit episode of Inside Your Mother’s Bloomin’ Onion ever. This week is the 30th anniversary blow-out extravaganza! And look who’s in the studio! It’s the original INFL tandem of Len Dawson and Nick Buoniconti. What?! No fucking Glanville? At least that guy was entertaining in a rabid ferret sort of way. Before I get too heavily into this, let me preface things by saying that with six idiots in the studio saying six different idiotic things about stupid shit no one cares about, it was a bit difficult to keep up. Some things may be attributed to the wrong source or may be made up entirely, but I promise to do my best to provide you with the gist of things.
They start out with some clips of shows gone by including an interview between Buoniconti (who I’ll refer to as Nick from this point forward cause that is way easier to type) and Terry Bradshaw where they lay on a grassy hill in brightly colored polo shirts and shoot the breeze. God, people were so much more secure in their manhood in the ‘70s.
The six man round table convenes and we jump right to the action. Costas asks the assemblage how they feel about the Shit Ponies going with Jay Cutler? Worthless squirms in his seat with his hand in the air, but Dawson beats him to the punch. Len is surprised at Shanahan’s move at this point in the season, but Danny says Mike couldn’t take Plummer’s turnovers. I can’t imagine the Denver genius was too thrilled with that what-the-fuck pick six the rook tossed against the Hawks, but what do I know? Worthless finally gets to chime in saying that Jay is the coolest kid in school and they’re totally going together. To the playoffs! What about Grossman? Nick says something about Grossman being too interested in the Gators going to the BS Championship game, and that would be funny if I hadn’t heard it one million times before. Costas brings up Rexy’s 1.3 QB rating and that’s funny no matter how many times I hear it. Carter says Lovie should go with Griese just like the Shit Ponies went with Cutler and as always, I’m all huh?
Lions @ Pats
They pull their first SIS here and it’s all about Bill Belichek’s kids and how they’re on the sidelines and for some reason that doesn’t make the players question whether their coach takes anything seriously. They set up a few scenes where Bill looks like he actually pays attention to his kids during the season and it’s cute and all but it is also bullshit. Since this SIS is on the Pats, it stands to reason that my INFL curse is also bullshit, cause they won. Sorry, but the Lions shouldn’t even have made this a game, so the curse lives.
Insert funny clip of Dan Marino screwing up on set in 2000 and slamming the desk like it was one of his receivers dropping the ball on 3rd and 6. Reminiscing is fun!
The guys are ready to talk about some games. How about KC sucking it in Cleveland? Dawson notices that they suck on the road and you just can’t get that kind of insight from say, a woman or a coat rack. Marino knocks McNair and his inability to make a big play and I don’t feel like going through the archives but I’m pretty sure if I did I could find at least three instances where Marino actually let’s McNair penetrate him lovingly. Only Nick and Bob pick the Ravens over KC this week. And how about Denver travelling to their certain demise this weekend? Well, nobody’s stupid enough to go with the Shit Ponies on that one. Nick says TBE is like a cross between Walter Payton and Barry Sanders. I agree, except for that Barry Sanders part, cause I don’t recall seeing TBE get smacked three yards behind the line of scrimmage half a dozen times a game, but maybe I’m just not paying close enough attention. I did just start watching games relatively sober, so who knows?
KC @ Cleveland
I may be a bit premature in saying so, but is Derek Anderson to Braylon Edwards the new Brad Johnson to Cris Carter? Outstanding!
Frisco @ New Orleans
Effing amazing how far Reggie Bush climbs in the Rook of the Year polls after one dominating game against- get this -the San Francisco 49ers! Try Rook of the Moment.
Insert clip from 1994 of Jimmy Johnson talking up Dan Marino as the next big thing. In perhaps the greatest preemptive fuck you ever a young Worthless says Marino couldn’t hold Joe Montana’s jock. Well played, young Worthless.
Regular round table. The old guys must be napping. vaGiants @ Panthers? Worthless thinks it would be a travesty if the vaGiants didn’t go to the playoffs because they are clearly the best wildcard contender. Ooooo-kay. Marino somehow blames Steve Smith for Delhomme’s 4th quarter suckage and takes the Panthers anyways. Then we find out that only Dawson, Costas and Carter actually take the Panthers to win. Christ, Dan, what the hell is wrong with you? NO @ Dallas? Proving once again that everybody who covers the NFL still believes they are watching the ’95 Cowgirls, only Nick takes the NFC Champion Saints to win this game.
Now for a retrospective of Len and Nick’s years on INFL, complete with interviews and a stand out voiceover by Bob Costas. Seriously, Carter watch how the fucking master does a voiceover! You might learn something you talentless shit-bag. This segment is sort of a tear jerker of the week, but also like a triumph of the souls. You’ve got plenty of tragedy-Len’s wife dies, Nick’s son is paralyzed- followed by triumph-Len is elected to the HoF and Nick tells him on the air instead of letting his new wife tell him because obviously Nick is an ass hole who thinks that Len would rather here it from him. Dick! Then tragedy again as Chris Collinsworth joins the show in 1996. It all raps up with hilarity as we find out Nick nearly fought Jerry Glanville and cheats on his picks. Wow. Good stuff. I smell an Emmy.
Worthless, Bob, Nick and Len sit around and talk shit about the good ole days. Worthless recalls that when he started the show people would actually tell him they liked it better before and those people are my heroes. Nick then tells a funny little story about Chris’ first year on the show that is neither funny nor even actually a story. Costas mistakenly tells the old-timers that we, the viewers, would probably like to know what they are up to these days. Fucking really, Bob? How did you know? How did you know I didn’t want to watch football highlights or hear some football analysis? Brilliant. In case you do care, Len’s still in broadcasting and Nick works for a foundation that is trying to cure paralysis. Chris says that he’s never seen anyone so devoted to this cause before and I find it strange that Chris never saw the original Superman movie. Go figure.
Colts @ Titans
Let me clear my throat. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
ViQueens @ Bears
I have a feeling Rexy wasn’t talking much shit to the Minnesota DBs this time around, but a win is a win. Lovie tells his team it’s not easy to win the North two years in a row. I have to agree if by North he means, like the Pulitzer Prize or something.
King’s Corner! King’s Corner! Party time! Excellent!
Pete addresses the interesting fact that 10 head coaches were on the chopping block last year and this year it only looks like Denny Green will lose his job. I wouldn’t count out Art Shell. It is the Raiders after all. Fischer stays in Tennessee, which King also said last week so I guess he really wants us to know, and Cowher and Parcells can do whatever the hell they want. Weiss won’t leave Notre Dame this year and that the kind of inside scoop you get from King. The kind that isn’t so much inside as much as it is, like written on your hand already. King tells us that Richie Incognito and Alex Barron are two of the players Marc Bulger called out this week when he said some guys in the Rams’ locker room just don’t care. I already read that in his SI column this week, but that’s definitely more along the lines of the kind of poo I want to hear.
Cowgirls @ vaGiants
Another SIS, and it’s the voice of INFL from NFL Films, Harry Kalas. Costas reminds us this is the first time we’ve seen the face behind the voice, but that’s bullshit because I’m pretty sure I saw him on a Geico commercial. I can’t talk shit about Harry though, because he is football and if I were obscenely rich-like, say, a football player- I would just pay Harry to follow me around all day and say shit for me. I would never talk again cause next to that guy, my voice does not rate. The vaGiants are a different story. I will talk shit about them ‘til the cows come home. Even when their quarterback isn’t being all ballsucky, they lose. Yeah, Worthless, it’ll be a total travesty if these guys miss the playoffs. Honestly, if all the teams in the NFC that didn’t win their divisions just drew straws for the Wildcard slots, I doubt anyone would care, or even notice for that matter.
Special Guest Retard Face-off!
It’s Worthless addressing Len and Nick. In the interesting of being brief this whole part sucked. These guys mail it in worse than Dan, and all the questions were about days gone by on the show and such. They both pick players from their era on the show as the best they ever saw and blah blah blah this episode is rank!
Last page of notes, people, stay with me.
Hawks @ Shit Ponies
Cutler looked like your basic shitty rookie. Swear to God, his pick six should be the picture in the dictionary next to “Rookie Mistake.” His stats looked somewhat bearable because Brandon “Who?” Marshall exploited the Hawks fear of tackling for a long TD in the end. The Shit Ponies are done, and the fans are already saying they knew it weeks ago and now they just want to develop for the future. What a bunch of ass holes.
Marino says KC and the Jets cause Denver’s done with Cutler at the helm. Worthless open hand slaps him across the face and runs out of the room crying, in my head. In truth, he likes Denver and the Jets and the Bengals, apparently unaware of how the whole wildcard thing works. Carter likes Denver and the Jets and I suddenly realize that this episode’s saving grace may be that this is only about the second time Carter has even opened his mouth.
NFC Wildcards? Carter, able to get a word in edgewise all of the sudden, goes with Carolina and the winner between Philly and Atlanta. That’s a copout cock-ass! Marino takes Carolina and Philly…maybe, of course. Worthless takes The vaGiants and the vaGiants cause he hates travesties!
Say Something!, Or Hurray, the end is near!
Carter- When he and Costas joined the show they brought style, cause Len and Nick and Chris all dress like street people or white people or something.
Worthless- Will be taking a Court TV job so he can continue to follow his Cincinnati Bengals. That’s funny. Really, not bad Chris.
Marino- QB play in the NFL this year stinks. Hard to argue with that one, Dan. That’s is probably the first time I’ve ever had that particular reaction to a Marino statement.
Costas- The vaGiants should have gone after Lovie Smith rather than Tom Coughlin. Presumably because Lovie Smith could kick Jeremy Shockey’s and Plaxico Burress’ asses when they mouth off.
We close with Len and Nick telling each other how classy they are and pointing out how they’re the only one’s on the show with Superbowl rings. They give a holla out to Jimmy Johnson and Jerry Glanville and then they go to the tape. A blooper highlight reel from over the years. I’m not going to spoil it for you, tune in and check that part out yourself. It’s awesome. Honest.
I’m Audi 5000.