Pickstravaganza!

So, you don't like old broads?! Take that! That's Joan Allen. She's an 800 mega-ton hot bomb of electric sexy, dammit! I don't know what it is - maybe that scene in Pleasantville where she masturbates in the bathtub - but Joan really lights my fire. Rawr! She looks mean in that picture. That's hot.

On to the pick-a-roos! Last week I managed to pick my way back into momentary respectability bytaking second place in my pool. Boo-ya! That's fifteen bucks! I guess I can skip the hot pockets and go straight to the vaccum packed sushi rolls! If you too want to feast like a true winner, check out my mad picking skills below and bet like there's no tomorrow!

Thursday night mayhem!

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh
This is going to be the game where the Steelers go, "What do you mean we're out of it? Really? Like, mathematically?Well fuck it, we're still two touchdowns better than the Browns in our house."
Steelers 31, Browns 17

Baltimore @ KC
The Chief says, "So what if our D sucks, it's Baltimore. Suck on you some Larry Johnson, Evermore!"
Chiefs 24, Ravens 14

Minnesota @ Detroit
Minnesota to their fans: "See what happens when you cut off our cruises? We so tense!"
Lions 20, Queenies 13

Tennessee @ Houston
Tennessee is not impressed with being an underdog this week. Tells Vegas: "You do know who we're playing, right? Like, that's your job 'n shit."
Titans 27, Texans 21

New York vaGiants @ Carolina
The vaGiants believe in responsible broadcasting and let Collinsworth know, "It's no big travesty, we're sucky."
Panthers 27, vaGiants 23

Buffalo @ New York Jets
The Jets are rebels. "Fuck your easy road to the playoffs talk! Watch this!"
Bills 21, Jets 20

Indy @ Jax
Indy sets the record straight. "Close or not, we always beat these clowns. And it ain't usually all that close."
Colts 37, Jags 21

Oakland @ Cincinnati
Oakland's like, "Fuck you! We're not even going to take a quarterback with the first pick of the draft! We're taking a long snapper!"
Bengals 34, Raiders 13

New England @ Miami
Bill Belichek wants you all to know, "My sweatshirt is tight. I love my kids. I'm a fucking genius! Oh, and everybody's coming through our house in the playoffs! Chokers!" What a surly bitch.
Pats 28, Miami 13

Green Bay @ San Francisco
Brett Favre is like the Terminator. Reese says, "He'll just keep playing! It's what he does! It's all that he does!"
Packers 31, Niners 28

Seattle @ Arizona
Arizona is in the back seat of the car on the way to New Year fun vacation time. "Are we there yet?"
Hawks 27, Cards 16

Denver @ San Diego Super Chargers
Shawne Merriman meets Jay Cutler, says "Mmm. Tastes like chicken."
Bolts 30, Shit Ponies 12

Monday! Monday! Monday!

Chicago @ St. Louis
Marc Bulger ponders his uncaring teammates and asks, "Why the fuck do I care again?"
Bears 20, Rams 13

Those are some bad ass picks right there, and I'm saying, "Why do all those people keep trying to throw their money at me?" The world is a strange and wonderful place. Boo-ya!

I know the Pittsburgh-Cleveland game is over, but I actually posted this hours ago. Turns out some of my stuff here is posessed by the Devil. What're you gonna do?

Update: I'm having some serious problems with this shit right now. The Saints beat up on the Cowgirls 31-23. I don't remember if I had something even remotely funny to say, or even if that was my original prediction of the score, but it feels right. The Cowgirls are lame. And by the way, Blog-ust, God hates a smart-ass!