Sunday, December 03, 2006

It’s Ten O’Clock in My Pants…



Since the lords of weather have finally breached the county line and winter actually has set in here in San Diego, let’s go low def on this bitch with a running diary of the crapfest from Buffalo. I’m just sayin’ it now for everyone, 28-0. That’s it. 28-0. This won’t be close and it will get ugly. Merriman is back, he looks like he hasn’t quenched his bloodlust and I’m afraid someone may die and be eaten today. Off we go…

10:00- The defense is amped. Sean Phillips is miked up and is doing things I don’t understand. It looks cold, but there doesn’t seem to any snow. Hurry up and snow.

10:02- Welcome to my living room Gus Johnson and Steve Tasker. That’s yet just another of God’s cruel tricks on me.

10:04- The wind is pretty severe. A 9000 pound lineman fielded the opening kickoff and fell down. The coverage units are playing well this morning.

10:05- First of what I expext to be many mentions of Shawne’s suspension. Did you know he did steroids? I mean ate tainted supplements…

10:06- Third and long, there is no pass rush and Losman completes pass for a first down. I’m not scared.

10:07- Merriman chases down Losman, I can see the drool flying from his jowels. Lossman predictably then throws an interception to Quentin Jammer (?!) and now has to go wipe the fear from between his legs.

10:09- Not to jinx it or anything, but how about us getting off to a good start this week? None of that deficit stuff heading into halftime guys okay?

10:11- Phillip to First Down Gates. Is this a good time to mention that there is no H.D. this week cause someone in the chain of command somewhere sucks. I don’t want to pile on the cable monopoly for not giving me the NFL network, but no H.D.? Eat it Time Warner.

10:13- Eric Parker got served. Picked up and body slammed on his head. I’ll be donuts that he didn’t like that at all.

10:14- Nate Kaeding is good. 3-0. Thanks Nate. How is 28-0 supposed to happen now?

10:16- Attention Broadcast Executives, it does no good to put cheerleaders on the screen and then slap that ugly Staples logo over their fantasy parts. No good whatsoever.

10:17- After a swap meet level selling performance of a reverse on the kick return which we bought completely and added the warranty protection, Buffalo has good field position about half way home to our goal. Nate was forced to make a tackle. He held on like a trooper only getting dragged about 19 yards after first contact.

10:19- Mention #2 of Shawne’s suspension. Really? He did steroids? Why didn’t anyone talk about this? It’s funny cause this is the first I’ve heard of it…

10:20- Randall Godfrey just performed a kidney transplant on a receiver with his helmet. Losman casualty #1 for the day.

10:24- Gus Johnson just informed us that Shawne Merriman has been the difference. I’m not sure what he means by that since this is his first game back from a 4 game suspension during which time we went 4-0.

10:25- Ed Hochuli is our ref today. Looks like he’s been in Shawne’s medicine cabinet.

10:26- Ed Hurcules is set on repeat today. Another delay penalty for the Bills albeit intentional.

10:27- Fully clothed cheerleaders are a crime against humanity that the United Nations needs to address immediately.

10:30- LT up the middle for 15 or so. He’ll get the D on the next one.

10:37- It’s fairly safe to say that our secondary has never been considered for any type of position where catching the football is a requirement. Drayton Florence dropped an easy Losman pick. It’s a recurring theme…

10:38- Vincent Jackson on an end around that he takes out of bounds before throwing an incomplete and illegal forward pass. Way to go Vinny Jack.

10:39- There’s the D. LTD for 51 and a touchdown. It really didn’t even look like that was difficult for him at all. 10-0 good guys. A T-B-E chant has erupted in the living room.

10:41- The question was asked, “Was Buffalo even playing defense on that play?” Valid question I thought…

10:44- Seriously. Bree Walker has better hands than our secondary. Drayton Florence with interception drop #2 and that one would have gone for 6.

10:47- First snowfall of the day as the first quarter mercifully ends for the Bills. 10-0.

10:49- There’s a Victoria’s Secret fashion show on Tuesday. How can that be bad? Well, Justin Timberlake is involved. Dammit.

10:56- E. Parker got a good block and brought the punt out to the 47. Mr. Tomlinson, you care to handle this drive for us? Thanks.

11:03- TBE goes over the century mark with 9:33 to go in the second quarter.

11:06- Nate missed a gimme field goal. Fantasy owners everywhere are cursing their cheerios.

11:09- Losman scrambles and completes a pass for a first down. Oh, wait, he was sacked first. Cue the Nelson Muntz mocking laughter.

11:12- Losman turns nothing into a first down and is pretty proud of himself. I don’t think that success at this level is achievable with a name that rhymes with Loss-man.

11:13- It’s snowing and no one is wearing long sleeves. I think it’s colder here than there.

11:14- FUMBLE!! THE BALL IS STILL ROLLING ON THE GROUND!! GET THE BALL!!! SOMEONE FALL ON THE BALL!! IGOR! IGOR! IGOR!

11:15- According to Johnson, that’s Merriman’s first sack since returning from the preivvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvously unmentioned suspension. Sorry, I had an issue with that v button.

11:17- Rivers nearly completes a pass to a Buffalo Cheerleader. I gotta say she’d have had a better shot at catching that ball if she put down the pom poms.

11:20- Scifres pins the Bills back near their 2 yard line. I’ve been instructed to put on my “Safety Hat” and I think that’s a good idea.

11:27- Johnson and Tasker have a rather significant and probably not entirely healthy infatuation with Ed Hercules and his “guns”.

11:30- Gates goes “unmolested” up the middle and Rivers finds him. I think that if people do start molesting him on that route, he might stop running it.

11:31- Rivers to Gates and we’re up 17 at the half. Again, I am going to assume he avoided molestation.

11:35- Lights Out Merriman consumed a Losman. He’s picking his teeth with his cleats as we speak.

11:36- 17-0 at the half. For the first time I can remember we didn’t rub feces all over the first half. This game is going exactly how I thought it would.

11:52- LTD is averaging 10 yards per carry. Goodness Gracious.

11:53- We’re sensing a very large dose of Martyball for the foreseeable future.

11:53- Oh fuck. Holy fuck was that bad. That really looked bad. Another observer in the room, “Decidedly bad.”.

11:55- You know how I know that this is our year to win the Superbowl? I have a friend named Steve. He has a brother named Cooper. We have a linebacker named Stephen Cooper. That my friend is a sign. Buffalo didn’t suck for a short drive and it’s 17-7.

12:02- It appears that we are having a “protection issue” at the moment. Rivers nearly fumbled and got picked on the same play.

12:03- Uncle Momentum is touching us inappropriately.

12:04- Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Why is Brandon Manumaleuna covering punts.

12:07- 17-14 and shirtless freaks with body paint are going nuts in the snow.

12:16- McCardell has to literally hop off the field, he nearly hops into a referee who is walking off a 15 yard personal foul for playing like Denver.

12:22- The defense has decided to try and kick Uncle Momentum’s ass. Let’s see if the offense wants to jump in.

12:24- TBE just landed a right cross to the crotch of the perverted Uncle.

12:32- We can’t seem to finish what we’ve started here. And I don’t particularly like that fact.

12:43- Interesting call that’s going to go against the Bills here. He’s out of bounds but we are still sort of reeling.

12:50- Antonio Gates would like to announce that he only catches the ball when it matters now for a first down.

12:56- TBE busts out the “Teapot” and we’re out of the woods in Buffalo. He of the 177 rushing yards and two more touchdowns.

1:01: Dropped interception yet again leads to another opportunity for Lossman to throw another pick. On the fourth try the secondary gets it right, only to fumble the ball right back to the Bills when falling down during the return. Buffalo ball.

1:16: Get the onside kick and go to victory formation. I’m done coaching now.

1:20: Well that was a lot more exciting than it needed to be. The ball never went ten yards and Buffaloneans are going to need a lot of wings to wash that down.

1:24: We Called timeout while lined up in victory formation. What?

Not entirely a good game but a win on the road in the snow is fine with me. Combine that with a KC loss, and the potential for a new person to mock in Denver is just the icing on the cake. Go Bolts!!!

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