First off, can someone explain this freakin’ House program to me? I mean, I get it; He’s a crippled doctor who is a great healer despite being a surly misanthrope. The irony is thick with the compelling. He’s addicted to pills and that’s supposed to be a bad thing. Ultimately, he’s a flawed character who one imagines may actually have a heart of gold deep down within. I get all that. I’ve caught about nine episodes of this program over the last year or so, and it seems to follow the same formula. House stumbles upon some crazy seemingly unexplainable ailment. He comes up with several theories and orders up about a bazillion different tests which have got to end up costing his patients about $85 million on average. In the end he figures it out with seconds to spare and saves the day. Hurray! I’ve never seen him lose a patient. He may have, but I have never seen it. On top of that, he consistently pulls a miracle out of his ass. All the fucking time! So my question is… Why does every other doctor in the fucking hospital look at him like he’s a complete nutjob every time he suggests they try some unorthodox treatment or procedure?! Seriously, without fail, even the team of young doctor’s that House assembled himself throw themselves in his way like human roadblocks. I would never let a bunch of throw-in-the-towel whiners like that treat me in real life. If I’m a vegetable and someone wants to shove a ping pong ball into my medulla oblongata because it could offset the Malaysian Scarlett Influenza I acquired from the time I ate baby carrots that had been sprayed with an experimental pesticide in Venezuela, I say have at it. Suck on moral implications you pansies! This show would be so Cut if I were at all invested in it. Also, I'm pretty sure they stole the following promo pick from Scrubs.
Then we’ve got the Carolina Panthers. They would definitely be Cut right now if they hadn’t already cut themselves. What a shitbag team this turned out to be. Seriously, when the performance of a wide receiver is all you can count on, you are fucked as a “team.” Look at the Philadelphia Eagles. They went to three NFC Championship games, when the NFC was decent no less, with nary a wide receiver in sight. In fact, adding a wide receiver to their roster ultimately ruined the team. They’re only beginning to recover. Fortunately for the Panthers, the climb out of the NFC cellar is more like a slight upwards crawl. They better figure out what to do about Delhomme, though. He quietly stunk last year, and this year he’s yelling it from the mountain.
This week’s Cut, though, has to be the marriage of black running back Larry Johnson and black head coach Herm Edwards. I don’t mean to sound racist in the last sentence; I’m referring to a few weeks ago when LJ went on INFL and said that he thrived under Hermy because Hermy was black and only a black coach could understand a black player and thereby effectively coach him. Well, this week LJ lashed out at the KC coaching staff (which is still being led by Hermy) for unimaginative offensive playcalling (LJ is on offense) after our glorious Super Chargers all but dropped kicked the Chiefs out of the postseason picture. Glorious. I wonder if Hermy understands that? In LJ’s defense, though, Hermy has always been kind of like the black Schottenheimer. Still, though.
Good times. Go Bolts!!!