Hers' An Xtra Long Cut For The Xmas Season. Merry Xmas!

The pressure! The preeeesssssuuuuurrrrreeee!!! The pressure to come up with new material every day or two is crushing. I’m not a machine, people! Okay, I ‘m done crying.

This week’s bubble cut is definitely the Padres! I know that the Padres have been cut for me for a long time, but they are hitting new lows this week and it needs to be addressed. Once again, proving that they are always a day late with too many dollars, the maxiPads just signed Greg Maddux’s corpse to a two year $20 million contract. Awesome. Greg Maddux’s corpse would have worked out great for our post-season run last year. Unfortunately, even if he manages to pitch a solid season this year, it will be lost on a season sure to see the likes of Brian Giles and Jose Cruz Jr. swinging for the dugouts on a regular basis. That right, we also picked up Jose Cruz Jr., or as my friend the Dodger fan likes to refer to him, the worst player to ever don a Dodger uniform. So cheers, Padres! Good work. I have no idea what you are fucking trying to do. I’m giving you, like a month tops to make sense.

This week’s real cut, or total copout since I’m going to incorporate the story I promised you into it, is bullshit Fantasy Football trades! I do my best not to talk too much about fantasy football on this blog because I can’t stand to listen to CJ bitch (which, you’ll find out is ironic soon enough), but I’m ready to make an exception in the name of what I find to be a pretty entertaining tidbit. At the moment I am in three fantasy football leagues. One is a work league, purely for bragging rights and I own that one, going into the play-offs undefeated with a first round bye. Suck on that! Pretty bad ass, huh? I mean sure, I auto-drafted that team, but I had to look up the results every week to make sure I won. Does that sound easy? Another league I am in is with a bunch of good friends. Yeah, we get together for a live draft all Dungeons & Dragons style and everything. That one is for some cash, but it’s all in good fun. Okay, I’m getting my ass handed to me in that one so I’ve already come to terms with my loss.

The third league I’m in is another money league that I got involved in because my buddy and his friends from work needed one last guy. I drew first pick in the draft for the first time in all my years FF, so I decided to go against my own rule about not being a homer and take TBE with the number one. I hate picking my own players cause I always worry I might curse them, but thus far it seems that I am no Madden or Sports Illustrated cover because TBE has positioned me very well in this league and he is the most dominant player to ever put on the old footballing pads.. The problem is, in a league where you don’t really know the guys you’re playing with, someone always has to pull some bullshit. It all stated on Nov. 14 with the following trade:

A team called Joseph Paul Sr. (Which apparently was some sort of Who’s your daddy joke) offered Randy Moss, Vernon Davis and Reuben Droughns to a team called The Great Players for Terrell Owens, Chris Cooley and Warrick Dunn. Now, most of you will recognize this as a retardedly one-sided trade. Every single player for Joseph Paul is an upgrade. The funniest part is that The Great Players, at that time owned the final play-off spot, yet they agreed. I responded with this post:

Me: That is a ridiculously lopsided trade! If that goes through, mail me my money back! Cheaters!

Kind of whiny I admit, but I wasn’t alone. The Commisioner, team name Mr.Davis, responded:

Commish: I just voted against it, make sure c**** does also

Me: I already let him know. I hate when leagues turn ugly like this.

So, the league vetoes the trade and all bullshit seems narrowly averted. Until these ass-bags decide to go with this trade instead:

JP Sr. offers Randy Moss and Greg Jennings for Terrell Owens.

Okay, seriously? This trade is a little more deceptive, but since neither player is any real upgrade for The Great Players, the trade ultimately turns out to be either Randy Moss or Greg Jennings for Terrell Owens. That is gay. I let them know:

Me: Great Players, why would you trade for guys that don't help you at all? You're not even out of the running yet. Joseph Paul, do you honestly think it's fair to trade two guys that don't start for you for one of the best receivers in the league? One of those guys is hurt, and the other one has been going on TV and saying how unhappy he is. I call massive bullshit. It's pretty obvious you guys have agreed to split the winnings. Everybody veto anything these two try to do.

Here’s where it gets interesting. Apparently JP Sr. did not see my point as particularly valid, and opted to confer on my observation:

JP Sr.: FUCK YOU. IF YOU THINK THE TRADE UNFAIR THEN VOTE AGAINST IT. NO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR DUMBASS OPINION. FUCK OFF AND YOUR TEAM SUCKS SO GET OVER IT. I AM TIRED OF SEEING YOU BITCH.

Please keep in mind, this is all verbatim because I think it’s more entertaining if I don’t edit any of the comments for spelling, grammar or fucktardedness. Here’s my more level-headed reply:

Me: Nice reply. You handle getting caught cheating like a fucking girl.

Rebuttal:

JP Sr.: Hey asswipe, add up the total points for both receivers and they almost equal more points then TO. plus i dont need the fucking trade anyways my team is still better then yours. I AM DONE WITH YOU. NO MORE POSTS. if you really got something to say, here is my phone # 619.*******. we can settle this like gentelman.

I am the only true gentleman in this exchange, as you can see by the following chickenshit reply.

Me: I find your tone threatening, and I don't like being told I'm not allowed to post anymore. I don't think I'll call you because I think you are probably one of those people who thinks yelling is a constructive form of argumentation. But I will stop posting and you can justify your lopsided trade all you want because you are obviously a total bad ass who don't take no guff. Good luck with the rest of your season, bud.

So, dickface gets his trade, and at this point he’s one game ahead of me and in second place, even though his team has scored about 150 less total points (Funny little thing here: My second highest producing player, Frank Gore, finished my regular FF season with 90 points. TBE had 243. Yikes.) I decided to be diplomatic and extend an olive branch:

Me: I'm still going to smoke you in the playoffs, Joseph Paul.

At this point I find out the real name of H.R. Cheat’n’Stuff.

Commish: Stan, you need to change your Team?s name

So a few weeks go by and all is quiet on the western front, until I realize that I am now squaring off against Stan ( New team name, Chokies!) for the second seed in FF post-season which gets a bye, and who doesn’t like a bye? He’s 2-1 since the trade and The Great Players is 0-3 and nearly out of the post-season picture. I decide I am unhappy:

Me: Great Players traded their best receiver and lost three in a row to likely drop out of the playoffs. Weird when stuff like that doesn't work for you. Good news for Chokies!!! though, he's the number 2 seed at the moment. It's amazing when a trade like that somehow miraculously works out for you. You should point this sort of thing out to some NFL owners, they'd be in awe of your negotiating skills and probably give you a pretty sweet job...cheater.

Sarcasm is my Unfair Nuclear Weapon (I’m thinking of using that as a new nickname for TBE. Let me know what you think). Chokies ! took the bait and seemed ready to re-enter the debate. He articulates his feelings like a fucking poet:

Chokies!: WHy are you still talking??? Nobody knows who you are. I know all but a few people in this league except you. why dont you tell us who you are so we can hang out?? by the way if you add the point total of the trade it was more to the other side. The league and had a chance to Veto. But it does not matter now. All that does matter is that, YOU (PLATAPUS) is a bitch and regardless who wins you will always be a bitch. Quit hiding behind your computer. Be a man, come hang out and say all that sutff in front of me. We all know you will never do that, so FUCK OFF. thanks for the $20 bucs, I will make sure to wipe my ass with your 20.

He paints a word picture, doesn’t he? I can see the shit smeared across Jackson’s face.

Me: Point totals don't mean shit,and you know it. You made a huge upgrade and the players he got weren't upgrades at all. I seriously hope you're just playing stupid when you say you don't see that as a one-sided trade. I should know better than to get into leagues with a bunch of people I don't know. This kind of bullshit arrangement always happens, so I guess it's my fault. I'll stop bitching now, you beat the system. Good for you. Can you do my taxes for me?

Kind of whiny again, I guess, but I’m not willing to just start slinging out “fuck offs” and “eat my shits” at this point. I’m alone on that, though. BTW, now his name is Pussy Eater!!! I’m pretty sure I’m arguing with a twelve year old:

Pussy Eater: thats right it is your fault. so do us all a favor, and fuck off. I am not going to be responding to your bulshit posts anymore. get lost, better hope i dont find out who you are.

Okay, I’ve had about enough of this guy at this point, so I kind of bail out:

Me: That's sounds alarmingly like some kind of physical threat. Over Fantasy Football. Nice, dude. No more posts from me, champ.

Then, after all this time, The Great Players finally chimes in:

The Great Players: enough wining. there are rules in place to veto trades and the trade was completed fully within the rules of the league. whats the problem? if the league, as a whole, decided the trade was unfair, then the league, as a whole, would have vetoed it. thats the way it works right?

Seems pretty rational, almost like we could have an honest discussion about his decision to drop his best player for guys that hardly even rank (He never even started Moss). Screw that, he’s a cheater too:

Me: Hey, you dogged your season and I'm just trying to figure out why.

Before I could get a response the Commish stepped in and locked us all out of the message board:

Commish: Everyone has been put on a TIME OUT, so go to a corner and think about what you have said and have done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, as those of you who do your Fantasy Footballing on Yahoo! Know, when you go head to head against someone, your avatar gets a little “smack bubble” in which to talk shit to your opponent. So, as luck would have it, Pussy Eater!!! and I matched up in the final regular season game to battle it out for second place and a bye week for the playoffs. This time he baited me:

Pussy Eater!!!’s smack bubble: Thank God Joe locked the emails. Now I won’t have to listen to you bitch.

I thought about going all Dane Cook on him and calling him a Gaylord, but once again, Dane Cook steals his jokes so fuck him. I decided to just go ahead and use my smack bubble and tell him to suck it. Then TBE kicked his team's ass. Go Bolts!!!