Thursday, December 21, 2006

Inside...You Know.

Are you ready for some highlights?!
It’s a Wednesday night party!
With Ma-ri-no in the studio
Better drink some Bacardi!

Lame. This week is the special holiday episode of Inside Paris Hilton’s Scabby Vader (I originally put vadge there, but spell check suggested Vader, and it just seemed to make more sense).

You know what that means don’t you? Neither do I, but the intro warns me to expect some tear-jerking Christmas deal with Hines Ward and I can’t figure out why since there’s no point in trying to jinx the Steelers at this point. Also, Lewis Black is going to do something really funny. That should be priceless.

The Round Table is super festive with the front HD monitor showing a pleasant holiday fire. Costas makes a corny joke about how hot it is and it appears that sadly the producers have stepped in to remind Costas that they hired him to make balloon animals and get back into the tiny car with the other clowns. Straight to our first holiday feel good story about Tank Johnson, his weapons cachet, and his dead bodyguard. Bobby says, “All these athletes are packing heat. What’s up with that?” I believe what he was trying to say was, “All these afflete’s is packin’?! What’s the dizzle?!” Seriously, Bobby’s down, he’s just got a little work to do. Then comes my second favorite thing to happen in this episode. Marino starts talking about how guns have always been a presence in the locker room. Then he points across the table and says, "Cris knows!” Nice, Dan. Nice. Worthless starts to lose it about athletes-and you know he means affletes-with their guns and jewelry and blingo just trying to draw attention. Costas, sensing exactly where Worthless is going, says, “Cris, what do you think?” Cris thinks that players carry weapons to protect themselves and their families from crazy fans.

He totally said that, completely disregarding the fact that a rabid fan is much more likely to shoot the President to get your attention than to actually come after you. The conversation is pretty much everybody talking over each other for a few more minutes and I lost interest so there.


Eagles @ Giants
Antonio Pierce is miked up and interviewed for this one. Give Pierce points for breaking down a play that he totally gets burned on. Take away said points for breaking down a play where he rams his head up a guys butt. No kidding, he says that. Eli sucks, BTW.

Worthless, Marino and Carter hit the easy chairs to talk about some of the upcoming games with playoff implications. I’m pretty sure every game on the list has some implications, so I got a little overwhelmed during this segment. And by overwhelmed, I mean sandwich. What I did gather is that everybody likes Dallas over Philly, due to the quality of Romo’s penis over his first eight starts. Seriously, the entire paid sports world are horny for Romo’s meat. That Romosexual joke is so not for funniness. Sadly, they’re totally digging Garcia as well, but like a friend, you know? Carter likes the Saints over the vaGiants because he thinks Sean Payton is all schemey, but Dan takes the vaGiants cause he wants to gain on Carter in their football pool. They break down Atlanta-Carolina, but I have to be honest, it was the biggest bunch of gibberesh I’ve ever heard. Honestly, though, who cares? That game has about as many playoff implications as I do.

Skins @ Saints
The only highlight in this game was when Jason Campbell, who is the spitting image of a young Dan Fouts, aired out a perfect TD pass to Santana Moss. Nice of Drew Brees to lay down so TBE could get MVP as well.

Jets @ ViQueens
The Jets are a mediocre team in the AFC. The Queenies are a mediocre team in the NFC. How do you think it turned out?

Costas asks the rest of the gang whether teams that end the season with momentum carry it over to the next season even if they miss the playoffs? Weird that no one falls out of their chair to be the first one to say, “Did you see how shitty Miami started the season?” Instead Carter starts talking about the Steelers and how well they’ve been playing. Uhh, playing it a little safe aren’t we, Carter? They did win the last Superbowl is all I’m sayin’. Marino likes Tennessee with VY. Man are sports talkies getting lazy or what? VY? Collinsworth likes Japey and the Bills, but you know he would have said Cutler and the Shit Ponies if he wasn’t thoroughly convinced they were still going to win the big one this year. Sorry Worthless, they’re out.

Here comes a tear-jerker for Christmas. Hines Ward is helping halvsies from South Korea. The thing is, this isn’t a tear-jerker at all, it’s some sort of triumph. Apparently Ward is half African-American, half South Korean. He only lived in SK for a year, I think but am not sure because I thought I took extensive notes, but it turned out to be a grocery list. Anyway, he went back and saw how halvsies were treated poorly and are all dropouts and now he’s helping SK’s halvsy children and basically changing the way the country views these kids. It’s touching. He’s totally better than Angelina Jolie.


Jets @ Colts. Collinsworth likes the Jets. Dan Marino likes the Jets too. If Harrington plays poorly. Otherwise, he likes the Dolphins. His analysis never gets old, even if it is a little predictable at this point.

“How’s the food here, Dan?”
“Great. Except when it’s not.”

Cincy @ Denver. Worthless breaks into a cold sweat when forced to choose between his two greatest loves, JC (No, you sillies, not Jesus. Jay Cutler!) or the Bengals. Unlike Dan, though Chris breaks down and takes a side. He picks the Bengals.Costas and Carter dig in, picking the Shit Ponies because JC can manage games. Worthless cries like a baby and prays to JC (No, you sillies, not Jay Cutler. Jesus Christ!) for forgiveness.


Dallas @ Atlanta
Here’s your SIS curse of the week. Atlanta kicker Marten Anderson is poised to be the all time scoring leader with two more points. Marsden Gunterson stands on the sideline awaiting his chance to leg two more lousy points. After the Cowgirls score a TD, Martian says, “Looks like we have to go down two TDs every week,” proving that he has been paying attention this season. MA finally kicks his field goal, gives his jersey to his kid and cries like a sissy kicker on the sideline. Cowgirls win.

King’s Corner! King’s Corner! Party Time! Excellent!
For what seems like the 27th week in a row, King starts out by talking about which coaches are going to lose their jobs or not. Blah blah, Mora’s gone if he doesn’t go deep in the playoffs because Arthur Blank believed the crap Mora said on the radio was true. So did everyone who’s heard it 100 times now. Big whoop. Saban won’t go to Alabama. Got it. Lame. No more coach shit. Seriously! Now comes the best thing said on this weeks episode. In explaining the Tank Johnson incident, King says the Bears were ready to let go of him because he had a bad friend. The bad friend was the bodyguard who was killed the night after the gun bust. Problem solved! One game suspension. Whew. Think maybe Lovie pulled the trigger? Then King relates that Johnson really impressed the team by writing a ten point list of things he was committed to doing to stay with the team. This list included not owning guns and not owning pit bulls. Awesome. He also agreed-and these are King’s words-to remain “basically” drug free. Double awesome. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say you’ll one day be hearing the words, “Your new Governor, Tank Johnson!”

Bengals @ Colts
A funny little story. I went undefeated on the season in one of my fantasy teams this season. This past weekend was my first playoff game. I had Chad Johnson and Carson Palmer against the Colts’ sorry D and all I needed was ten points to win. I got nine to tie. The tie-breakers in FF on Yahoo! break down like this. 1) Total TDs on the week. We tied. 2) Total points by starting QB. He had Romo. Fuck you, Carson Palmer!

Kansas City @ San Diego Super Chargers
Have I told you lately how much I love this team? TBE rules. Again.

Frisco @ Seattle
Seattle plays better at home, no? No.

So” I just took a “break” to go Christmas shopping and I ‘ve got to admit, I enjoyed that more than I’m enjoying writing this today. I can only imagine how it feels to be reading it. I’ll try to finish this up quickly. Before I do, though, one last thing about my break. Why do you suppose they put the chips at the top of the junk food vending machine? Nothing like a five foot drop to stir up the salt and break the chips down into manageable pieces in there. I love having to pour the last ounce or so of chip pieces into my gullet with an improvised paper funnel. Oh God, I’m a fat bastard.

On with the show already.

Retard Face-off
This week it’s Costas addressing Danny and Cris.
1) Should Merriman be eligible for Defensive Player of the Year with his steroid suspension? Dan says no, but it doesn’t matter because Jason Taylor is better. Presumably because I am not there to point it out myself, Bobby says that Merriman’s numbers are essentially the same, except for games played, a stat in which Taylor does hold the advantage by four. Crown him! They all end up agreeing that Merriman should not be eligible, but for some reason he’s a go for the Pro Bowl. You guys will have to explain that reasoning to me one day.
2) Who stands in the way of a Chargers Superbowl? The Ravens, Colts or Schottenheimer? The foregone conclusion seems to be Schottenheimer in that for the most part the boys immediately jump to the Chargers’ defense. Marino says a healthy LT gets them to the big one because Carter says Schotty’s a great running coach. Costas says the only worry is that Marty tries too hard too get away from Martyball. I have to agree. Fake punts and fumblerooskies are fun to watch, but they can come back to bite you in the ass. Fuck it, though, they’re fun to watch.
3) Should Garcia get a chance to start somewhere next year? Everybody starts going all crazy to the point that I have no idea what was said, but to give you a clue of the kind of crazy statements flying around, Crissy ends by saying, “Daunte Culpepper will be the Dolphins starting QB next year. End of story.” I disagree. Miami always has a new excuse for starting out poorly, and they’ve already used Culpepper.
4) Joe Cullen, Detroit Lions Assistant Coach, was fined $20,000 for driving through Wendy’s naked. TO was fined $35,000 for spitting on Deangelo Hall. Fair? Carter says, “I don’t know how fair it is, but in the words of Dave Thomas, ‘Where’s the beef?’” Danny says, That’s a pretty “stiff” penalty.” Ladies and gentleman, Inside the NFL, first in boner jokes!

Tampa @ Chicago
Inexplicably, Kalas does some weird soap opera voice over for this game, and while the game did have several twists and turns, the whole thing was pretty annoying. Which one? The game and the voiceover. Sorry Harry. Rex Grossman is going to explode in the playoffs, BTW.

Browns @ Ravens
McNair is determined to stay healthy enough to sink Baltimore in the playoffs.

Round Table Pick’ems.
Do you really care? I don’t.

Lewis Black shows up to put a giant maggot on top of this shit sundae and shines brilliantly with a rendition of Twas the Night Before Christmas that I didn’t even pay attention to, but if you care that much you can probably find it on youtube by this weekend. It sucks, though, and if you look for it, you suck too.

There’s a Say Something segment where nobody says anything but Marino shocks Costas with a trick pen and the re-clowning is complete.

Next week I’ll be in the great Northwest with limited internet access and no HBO access, so you will all get a break from this crap festival. So will I, praise be to Jesus!

Go Bolts!!!

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