Many of the so-called football pundits like to a nifty little report card for all the teams that played the previous weekend. Gee whiz, fellas, that’s showing some real insight. Let’s lob bombs and kudos after the fact and pretend that warrants your bloated paychecks. I’m here this week to show you guys how to put your money where your mouths are. I’m prepared to grade these fuckers in advance. How’s that grab you, Pete Prisco? Freakin’ douche bag!
Frisco @ Seattle
I’m not even going to bother telling you what I thought the outcome of that game was going to be. I might as well have said Seattle was going to win 100 - 4. The result is the same. I am a retard.
Dallas @ Atlanta
Dallas: C-. Once again showing how much Dallas believes the media hype and mails this one in regardless of the fact that they did the same thing last week and got shit-bombed by the Saints.
Atlanta: B. Mike Vick doesn’t line up in the back field after all, but he’s still a fucking running back.
Falcons 24, Dallas 20
NY Jets @ Minnesota
Jets: B. Chad Pennington is an accurate QB. Even if he can’t throw more than 8 yards at a time.
Queenies: D. Playing like 7-9 could get them into the playoffs. They could be right.
Jets 27, Queenies 16
Cleveland @ Baltimore
Ravens: B-. Looked good enough, but they were playing the Browns.
Browns: C. That Kellen Winslow is a pretty solid TE. Pretty solid ass-bag too.
Ravens 24, Browns 17
Houston @ New England
Patriots: A. It would have been an A+, but it’s not like Houston cares.
Texans: F. Poor Houston. Why did Tom Brady have to pick this week to yell at his players and break up with his girlfriend? He’s mean when he’s pissed.
Pats 31, Tex-Mex 3
Miami @ Buffalo
Dolphins: B. The Dolphins are second half spoilers!
Bills: B+. Nothin’ to spoil here.
Bills 23, Dolphins 20
Pittsburgh @ Carolina
Steelers: A. This team is out to show the world that they could have gone all the way if they had wanted to, but for some reason they didn’t want to.
Panthers: D. This team is out to show the world that everybody is stupid for believing in them.
Steelers 34, Panthers 20
Washington @ New Orleans
Skins: C-. It’s the LaDell Betts show. Cancelled after only half a dozen performances (That’s bad on Broadway).
Saints: A. These guys are starting to give me a chub.
Saints 34, Skins 16
Jax @ Tennessee
Jags: C. If I go with a C, I can’t be too far off. I have no idea with this fucking team.
Titans: B. Vince Young is like the circus. Even when he sucks, he’s fun to watch at least some of the time.
Jags 28, Titans 23
Tampa @ Chicago
Bucs: F. You ready to get out of here? This place is dead anyway.
Bears: B+. Rexy plays just well enough again to seal Chicago’s fate in the post season.
Bears 30, Bucs 6
Philly @ NY vaGiants
Eggles: A. Jeff Garcia will not be denied. TO is pissed.
vaGiants: D. What is it about these NFC East teams and thinking that the media can vote them into the play-offs?
Eggles 27, vaGiants 13
Detroit @ Green Bay
Lions: C. I like garbage time TDs. Do you like garbage time TDs?
Packers: B. Looking good at home. What is this, the Packers of the late ‘90s?
Packers 27, Lions 21
Denver @ Arizona
Shit Ponies: A-. JAY CUTLER HAS HIS BREAKOUT PERFORMANCE…against the Cards.
Cards: C. Rookie QB with 4 TD passes? You guys suck. Great receivers, though. Golf clap.
Shit Ponies 31, Cards 24
St. Louis @ Oakland
Raiders: C-. They gave it away.
Rams: C. They tried to give it back.
Rams 17, Raiders 13
KC @ San Diego Super Chargers
Chiefs: C-. All sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Bolts: A+. Soft? Yeah we’re soft. About as soft as an iron spike. Fuck you, KC! Sorry about your owner, though (And that my friends is as close as I get to class). Oh, and sorry about your QB. You’ll see.
Bolts 30, Chiefs 14
Monday! Monday! Monday!
Cincy @ Indy
Bengals: A. Sure, we could run it up the gut on you all night, but we’re gonna go ahead and bomb it.
Colts: C+. Oh yeah? We can bomb it too. Well, we used to be able to bomb it. Is that Ricky Proehl?
Bengals 41, Colts 20
There it is. Make a mint. Go Bolts!!!