Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Pinch Hitting...

So, I embarked on the task this week of filling in for the immortal Max Colossus on this weeks Inside Wasting an Hour of my Time in front of the television. Needless to say this will be both my first and last time doing this. I need to go and watch about three hours of streaming pornography to erase that image of horror that was burned indelibly into my brain. Thanks Max, hope you get home safe asshole.

The Hour of Hell starts off with a round table of why the young quarterbacks suck now, with Eli being the focus. Carter thinks it's bad management and coaching. Dan, mentions Mike Vick, certainly not what I'd call young anymore, but the coaches are using him all wrong. They should go 5 wide, use Vick as the running back and totally spread the field. That sounds good I'll have that. At the same time, he says they can't be a running team. Good one Dan. Bob comments that Vick has the greatest arm ever, and he can run, why can't he be good? I've got the answer. He's not good. Period. Moving on, this is already boring me.

Let the highlights begin!! Oh, and it seems that this is ridiculous quote week, so remember that...

VaGiants v. Saints
Starting with a Tiki love festival the Giants jump out in front on their first possession. "They can't play with us." anonymous coach declares to Big Blue. Onslaught of the Saints as they go marching up and down and up and down and up and down the field again. "Keep fighting, you never know!". Yeah, I know. The highlights suggest this was closer than the 30-7 score. KEEEP FIIGGHTING!!!

Cowgirls v. Iggles
Ahhh Cheerleaders! Maybe this isn't so bad after all... oh no. It is. Garcia to somebody, Romo sucking, T.O. complaining about not being the centerpoint of the world. 23-7 Igs.

And now, we're back to the round table for more tear inducing drivel. It's question time...

Is the league catching up to Tony Romo?
Marino says 4998 words about something but none of it seems to say anything other than yes. Cris says that the same thing has happened to Phillip Rivers. I don't see it but, hey, I like them. So what?

Is the NFC the worst conference in a long time?
Carter says yes, and the Rams deserve the playoffs more than the Giants. Well, that should get them to the postseason. Deserving it dammit!
Cris, the other one, says that Cincy and Jacksonville deserve it too. He runs off set crying saying something about remembering the Ice Bowl. Poor Cris.

Jacksonville v. Patriots
Mo Jones Drew and Fred Taylor are the SIS. Poor curse lives on. Despite MJD's great game and insightful commentary into his uni mike, they have no answer to America's New Posterboy for all that is infallible Tom Brady. MJD says, "We can't go out like that yo!". Uhh, yeah you can MJD. You sure can. Pats 24-21.

Pittsburgh v. Ravens
The highlights, well, highlight, was that the "Ravens offense was efficient as usual." Let the ridiculous quotes roll in boys, I've got all night...

The Fantastic Flaming Four are now couchbound for another awful brainstorming session. Dan declares that the Pats are for real. Yeah, in their piss poor division with Reche Caldwell. Good Luck! Carter bends down and goes sixty nine on an inflatable anatomically correct Steve McNair, with his mouth full he says the Ravens are the most dangerous team in the AFC. I ignore the Charger smiting. Dan likes the Pats again due to their playoff experience. Mr. McNair hates Marty and all but guarantees that the "Bad Playoff Coach" will rear his head yet again. Bob reiterates that Marty has changed his stripes. Mr. McNair says the trick plays, the fumblerooskie to McNeil particularly are cute, but not enough. I don't know too many teams that execute the fumblerooskie with their rookie tackle, but if we did that, I assure you I was drunk and missed it. Dan doesn't want to overlook the San Diego Defense. Once again, a lot of words with nothing being said. I'm going to go headbutt nails for fun.

The cover story this week, Richard Seymour and his gun toting dad. Sorry for your loss Mr. Seymour. But 6 minutes of my life that I'm never getting back is on your head.

It's more round table with idiots. Dan likes Jay Cutler. He's coming along nicely. Cris says that they will struggle against the Pats if they meet in the playoffs. Carter wants people to stop throwing at Champ Bailey, and completely ignores the fact that they were talking about Jay Cutler. All of them pick Denver this week against the Niners.

Bob wants to know if there is any chance the Raiders can go on the road and beat the Jets and knock them from the playoffs. Carter says the Raiders are already on vacation, and that he doesn't like the Jets, but he's picking them to win. I feel so fulfilled.

Back to the highlights!!!

Denver v. Bengals
Cris was instructed to look away prior to the film running. Cutler proves he is able to throw screen passes against an awful secondary. Apparently Jevon Walker's nickname is "J-Walk", that at the very least should be a penalty if not a violation of a city ordinance. While the Bengals get in and need a PAT to tie, an assistant asks Marv Lewis, "You want to go for two? You want to go for two?" Marv says, "Not really." And you know the rest. By the way, did you know that was the 4th PAT that the Bengals botched this year? I didn't either. 24-23 Shit Ponies.

Buffalo v. Tennessee
It's the Vince Young Show!! Apparently J.P. Losman is talented too, he leads them to a 9 point 4th quarter lead. But, the Vince is too much and Buffalo opts to go for it on 4th down, down by 1, instead of a 45 yard field goal. Nice call coach. Ladies and Gentlemen, Dick Jauron!!

It's King's Corner, Party time... ah fuck it...
It's the draft this week with Detroit barely edging Oakland for the #1 spot right now. Of the Seniors coming out this year he likes Brady Quinn at #1, but if Juniors come out, it might be JaMarcus Russell from LSU. Cool. Tell me Pete, who do the Chargers get at #32?

Oh, and a bunch of coaches will be gone. Denny Green, Jim Mora, Jr, Tom Coughlin needs a miracle, Cowher has his way no matter what, Al Davis is old and insane but Art Shell might still be coach next year, Romeo Crennell is gone, and the Cowgirls make no change. I hate this show.

(Save your comments, I know she's not that hot and her boobs are crooked, but her bikini says "End Zone" right where the end zone is. It's all Max's fault for me having to do this, remember that)

Fuck this is neverending...

Chiefs v. Oakland
It's the NFL Network SIS. They are taking the "Angry L.J." angle and want to get shots of him pissed off on the field. Nothing like stirring up the pot a bit huh boys? Oakland sucks. Chiefs 20-9.

Oh, it's Tee Off time, it's a holiday theme, predictions for the year 2007...
"Will Bill Cowher be back?"
Carter says no. Dan says no. Another minute of my life wasted.
"Who will coach and Quarterback the Dolphins?"
Both Dan and Carter think Saban and Culpepper, until it's not Saban or Culpepper. The insight is outstanding.
"Where will Randy Moss be in 2007?"
Carter has a spot on his high school team and Dan has no idea and declines to answer by staring into the lights.
"Who will coach the Giants next year?"
Carter likes Parcells once the new GM takes over, and Dan likes Coughlin. My time really isn't this precious guys.
"Will Jennifer Anniston find love in 2007?"
Carter says, and I'm not making this up, that, "I can find her some!!"
Dan just shakes his head and mumbles, "OH MAN."

Moving on to the only relevant thing thus far...

Chargers v. Seattle
LTD is off and running and only a penalty can stop him. Shawn Alexander did a little, but not enough, and we had a nice reverse angle of Vincent's reception for the win. By the mercy of God, they didn't mention Phillip and Nick taking snaps in the shower to get ready for the rain half naked. Bolts 20-7.

Green Bay v. Vikings
Farve is miked up for what might be his last game at Lambeau. The only relevant thing I heard was his question, "What the hell is our problem?". Brett, I don't have enough paper to list them all. Green Bay 9-7 in a barnburner.

Finally, it's SAY SOMETHING!!!!

Dan: "Six weeks ago I said you'd see Phillip Rivers and Drew Brees in the Superbowl. I still say that." Nice Dan.
Cris: "Phillip Rivers and Rex Grossman against everyone else in the playoffs, it's going to be interesting." Huh. Not what I expected.
Bob: "Steven Jackson is the most underrated back in the league." I might actually agree. He plays for the Rams by the way.
And Carter. Dear Carter, just when you do everything you can to destroy all of your credibility, you do something like this, "I'm the love doctor. If you are traveling this holiday season and you see a soldier, give up your seat on the airplane, let him sit in first class for defending our freedom." Agreed.

That's it from here. I'm glad it's over and I am sure that Max is glad that there will be no more Inside the Minds of Dipshits for 2006. I hope I did this space justice in your absence.

Finally, The Cut. Since I'm pinch hitting this Wednesday, I might as well hit both bits. This week's cut...

All of your companies and mine for making this the most unproductive work week in the history of Corporate America. Idiots. I hope your Crystal on New Year's eve tastes like $1000 urine.

Go Bolts!!!

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