Thursday, December 09, 2004

I Wonder If Anybody Reads These? Let's Find Out.

“Padre Jail?!” What the hell is “Padre Jail?!” I’ll tell you what it is. It’s weak! So weak, in fact, that I thought I had been picked out of the crowd to win a prize. I mean, they didn’t even administer a respectable beating. Oh wait, I remember you, I think. Were you the guy who was crying in the corner? What did you think the “Padre Cops” were gonna do? Make you wear that God awful Friar suit for a couple of innings? I did get a killer “Padre Jailhouse Tat,” though. When I show it at the concession stands I get 50 cents off a large cola and nachos. Now that’s kick ass!

As for those Denver fans, you would do well to remember that Colorado is way high up in the sky. The air is very thin and it is hard to think…good. Now I know that the events described took place way down her below the atmosphere in San Diego, but I imagine the damage was done years ago, and that these people are permanently challenged. There’s probably some sort of scientific explanation for this sort of thing, so go look it up. Anyway, you should treat these people like you would any challenged individual. I mean, would you laugh and point at a retarded person? No, you would dress them up like a baby and push them around in a stroller so their little retarded legs wouldn’t get tired. Because that’s what nice people do, damn it! Is it getting hot in here?

In order to make this post relevant, instead of a campaign speech for “Biggest Ass Hole Ever. Ever.”, I will now move on to business regarding the San Diego Horsy and/or Lightning Bolts. I have decided to open up a can of worms and bring to light a situation that has never once reared its head in the entire whole world of Chargers or football or anything at all. What are we really going to do with Drew Brees? Okay, I’ve said before that I thought we would let him walk away unhindered. Well, I lied. Since this the first time I have ever lied in my life, I expect a certain amount of slack to be cut for me. Now, before you all get excited and say, “Thank you for making me feel better, Maximum Colossus,” this does not mean I think Brees will be lining up behind center for The Mighty Bolt People next year. It merely means I think we’re gonna get some great stuff for him. Like draft picks and Washington Redskins gear…and maybe a speedboat. You see, the owners have been saying that we can afford the $9,000,0oo (sorry, my zero key broke. So many damn zeros) it would cost to franchise him and then we could let Rivers develop his bench jockeying skills for another year. That sounds splendid, but I ain’t buying it. On the one hand, it sounds like the typical kind of money handling the Chargers executives are known for (see Stephen Alexander, Tim Dwight, Marcellus Wiley), but on the other hand, I think it’s a scam. If the Chargers franchise Brees just to try and trade him, other teams will be inclined to lowball us with their offers as follows:

Us: Would you like to trade us something for our Pro Bowl quarterback we can’t afford to keep anymore?

Washington Redskins: We’ll give you a 5th round draft pick and Mark Brunell.

Us: Crap.

Not a very pretty set of circumstances, is it? But look what happens if we convince the rest of the league we are intent on keeping Brees as our starter:

Us: What do you losers want?

Washington Redskins: Can we have your extra quarterback? Pleeeease?

Us: No.

Washington Redskins: We’ll give you a 1st round draft pick and a Ford Thunderbird Convertible.

Miami Dolphins: Well, we’ll give a better 1st round draft pick and a Ferrari…and we’ll throw in Disneyworld.

Us: Deal.

Pretty sweet, huh? So, San Diego, enjoy the Drew Brees experience while it lasts, cause it ain’t gonna last much longer. But, take heart, Philip Rivers will chicken wing us into the post season many times during what is sure to be his illustrious career. Unless Brees wins us the Super Bowl this year, in which case ignore the preceding message cause it’s all about finding out what we can get for Rivers.

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