Wager Me This...

On to gambling thoughts...

One thing that I have yet to really communicate here is the tendency for some people in this world to heighten the football experience on Sunday with a little bit of healthy wagering on their favorite or not so favorite footballing teams. Some people do it via the ever so brain boggling fantasy land style league play (insert editorial comment about “these people” here) and others live by the old fashioned rules that calling Vinnie up on Sunday morning will suffice. ( Disclaimer: I for one do not and would not ever condone gambling in any form whatsoever, so this column in no way refers to me or anything that I have ever done ever concerning this topic. Thank you.) That being said, this is a topic that I am vaguely familiar with and at this point in every football season it becomes slightly more relevant with the push to the playoffs, leading up to the mother of all that is betworthy games in early February.

From time to time my friend Chris* (name changed for identity protection) has been known to place some more than friendly wagers at times during the football and basketball seasons respectively. One thing that is a constant hindrance according to Chris is a lack of what wrestlers call intestinal fortitude (read: testicular motivation). But according to the records the wins outweigh the losses by about a two to one ratio, or at least in the 2004 seasons. I would say that someone with a 600+ winning percentage is qualified in this area of discussion. Not to mention that the previous weeks have been an amazing run for the frontrunners of the AFC and the Iggles of the plagued NFC and there was apparently some money to be made there.

After absorbing what was win number eight in a row this past fine Sunday morning in America’s Finest City, and digesting what was seemingly the end of the Ponies from Snakeville’s last game of the year, I happened to be approached by Moron-Boy. Moron-Boy has been mentioned here previously, most recently in the post after the Denver shellacking a couple weeks ago. Moron-Boy is by all means what can only be described as the true definition of “Moron”, hence the name. Moron-Boy is a Denver fan. Moron-Boy is not from Denver. Moron-Boy is actually from Philadelphia. For no apparent reason Moron-Boy roots for Denver. Moron-Boy has also stated that he will now return to rooting for his default team, the Eagles. There are so many things that we can say about Moron-Boy that will go unmentioned, but I can assure you, if you think of any that seem fitting, I personally guarantee anything you come up with is probably 98% accurate. Moving on…

At about the time that Denver fell behind by about 20 points give or take a field goal, Moron-Boy was first one off the pony express wagon and the first to get on to the “I Hate Everything Blue and Gold Wagon”. As mentioned Moron-Boy came right at me with this spectacular exchange, “I’ll bet you $100 bucks that the Chargers don’t make it out of the first round of the playoffs.” Instantly I thought of Chris and his ingenious gambling mind. How would this subject be received? What would Chris do? I tried for a minute to put myself in Chris' shoes. I thought about my own level of intestinal fortitude and I opted for the conservative, moderate, controlled approach that I have heard Chris preach. I made my move, “What are you a Moron? Riddle me this genius boy, why would I bet you that the Chargers will lose their first round playoff game, A) We don’t know who they are playing, B) We don’t know the point spread, and finally C) Is it because your season just ended or because you haven’t seen your Willie past that belly of yours in years that gives you license to be a retard?” Moron-Boy responded with something along the lines that the offer would expire at the end of the day and that it would not be re-upped, yet I could barely hear the drivel at that point because of the uncontrollable laughter emanating from the depths within that nearly caused me to drop a nugget in my shorts.

Hindsight tells me that I may have been able to capitalize on this opportunity with Moron-Boy. We all know that the first round playoff game will be held on our home turf, against an inferior opponent. Perhaps with a bit of discussion and maybe a drink or two, I could have gotten Moron-Boy to agree to a straight up wager forgoing the point spread. Maybe, with a little luck, I could have gotten a default win with the possibility of a first round bye still on the table; surely we can’t lose in the first round if we have a bye week. And just think, with Moron-Boy, anything is possible.

All I want for Christmas is some intestinal fortitude, and that first round bye…