Friday, December 03, 2004

What's It Called, August? A 'Fwapback'?

I'm thinking this is going to be a hard game to get into. I'm thinking about maybe joining the Navy Seal skydiving team. Those guys don't have to show a ticket when they hit midfield, do they? I'm imaging a sea of Blue and Gold and I have my own prop bet for you as well. What do you suppose the over/under on the number of vintage "Crush the Orange" tees attending. I'm going to put it at about 10,000. I'll count the baby tees and my cohort can add up the undersized man tees.

1) Why is it that everybody in the NFL is so in love with this "Snake" character? It is my impression that he has to have cooked a 5 star dinner for every single person he has ever come into contact with. Or maybe he has a never ending supply of kidneys to donate. All I know for sure is that nearly every writer I read is just desperate for this guy to succeed. Go figure.

2) Wow. I'm not even going to touch the Ace and Gary references. Especially since last year when those guys came to San Diego they took me out for a lovely night on the town. First we went to a place called Lips. Man were there some fine ladies in there. Then we went to uh- I think it was called The Brass Rail, and the crowd was so nice. And the Bartenders gave us free shots with whipped cream. And we weren't allowed to use our hands to drink them! It was the best time I'd had since running into Chris Mims and Natrone Means at Pure Platinum one Saturday night a few years back (Ryan Leaf didn't show because he was at home studying his play book...and he's a dick).

3) Screw the leg, man. I say give Kaeding the day off. 2-point conversions all day long. It's not like they can cover that one guy in the red zone anyway. Oh crap! Elam's on my fantasy team. Looks like no kicker for me either this week. Karma and all.

4) The Match-ups: Quarterbacks: Our young fella is on pace to have the best TD/INT ratio...EVER!!! Jake the Snake likes to let everybody get involved, no matter what color their jersey. Therefore, Jake gets the nice guy award, but Drew Tsunami gets the Edge (By the way, did you all know that a Tsunami and a Hurricane are the same thing, they just happen in different parts of the world? Meteorology is fascinating.). Offensive Lines: Now I could go the easy road and mention cut blocks, but that would be a cheap shot. Get it?! That one went right out of the ball park. Anyway, until I see "Super Amazing Guy" dominate a couple of games in a row, Denver gets the Edge. Running Backs: Send your hate mail, but you have to credit to whoever that guy is who's number came up, allowing him to run for Denver. I mean, know who I'm talking about- that guy is pretty damn there and all. I'm going to have to give Denver the Edge for right now, while I wait patiently to be happily proven retarded for saying so. Tight Ends:...............Are you kidding? Wide Receivers: We're stepping up at the position, but Smith is resurging big time. And I like their Penis car (It hauls), so give Denver the Edge. Defensive backs: Champ sucks this year. Hurray! Sammy's isnt there for them to pick on, which puts Florence out there. That guy may not be the shut down type, but I think he's a playmaker, so I'm giving us the nod. Quickly, their D-line is better, but our Linebackers rock. Overall: What do you think? Seriously. We get the Edge, cause that's the way I like it.

5) Oh God, this crap again? I don't even want timeouts anymore. Nobody gets any. Period. I've got enough to bitch about. Like work. And that other chick. God, I hate her! And did I forget to put trick plays in my list of likes. I hope we run 10 of them. If we lined up Igor at wide receiver and had Mike Scifres throw to him I would have to change my shorts.

6) My Lock: Okay. I'll bite. I'm ready to get into it. Does anybody remember a guy named Kellen Winslow? You know, one of the original pioneers of Tight End as Receiver. Not a bad player. Favorite target of one of the most prolific Quarterbacks to ever play the game? Well, in case you didn't notice, our boy "First Down! Vying to be Touchdown!" just broke Winslow's Tight End TD record for the Chargers...with 5 games left! They couldn't cover this guy with something that was scientifically designed by NASA to cover Tight Ends named Antonio Gates. I know it's easy, but this guy is my lock every week.

7) Does it count if I bounce your head off the Altar. Oh screw it, I'll take the over either way, you nail biting sissy!

So here it is. Final Analysis. The point of no return. How will this game go? This is our time to prove it. This is not the team they saw in Denver. That is not the team we saw in Denver. A good one? You bet your ass it's going to be a good one. Because we're going to assert our dominance. We're going to show the world that we are too good for this division. Any division, for that matter. If there's anyone out there who hasn't hopped on the wagon, you better be quick, cause this thing's about to go into overdrive. Chargers 37, Broncos 20

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