Oh, There Will Be Football...

And there will be football right after this brief interruption.

Today I saw the lives of three men ruined forever.

Yes, read it again.

Now you may proceed...

I decided after finishing my version of “finals” this week with once again a passing grade that I was heading to the best pizza joint in all of the San Diego area. Conveniently located in “Raidertown” or as I like to call it “Berkley South” the Bronx was firing out the slices and man do they ever do it right. Anyway, as I was charging through my first slice of love, in walks this lady carrying not one, not two, but three infants in identical baby hauling mechanisms. Without a place to stash the goods, she gives me this “I am lost and helpless” look, so I push over a bit and motion that it’s cool to drop her pets in my area. Relieved she sets down the little freshly made creatures and begins her quest for pie and a table.

I, being an uncle, am a bit curious of these tots she is lugging around so I take a good solid stare at the little aliens sitting in their carrying mechanisms. Using my incredible deduction skills, I am able to decipher that they are approximately the same age, weight and model. They also appear to be dressed identically. Logical conclusion equals triplets. I have never seen triplets so I am a bit curious and inquire about their history to mom, “they all yours?” I ask. She gets this horrified look of terror on her face like a pit bull was sniffing her children like raw meat and shoots back, “No! We each have one! Mine is the ‘eldest’ and is 20 days old!” At that moment two more nutbags, I mean moms waltz in to tend to their creatures. Instantly I had two thoughts. Well three. First, if all the critters are the same age, weight and model, and you dress them identically, what do you expect from rookies like me? You can’t get angry; they look exactly the same!! Two, what kind of absolute nutbags plan their pregnancies within a week of one another? I came to find out that the other two were 17 and 14 days old respectively. Who does this? Hey I have an idea, let’s all go ruin our husbands’ lives all in the span of a week, together! Doesn’t that sound like fun? And three, these poor guys are so screwed. But the funniest part is the moms don’t know how they screwed themselves at the same time. Let me explain…

I won’t pretend that I know much about kids or any of that family la la land garbage. But I do know about being friends with parents. And let me tell you… parents occasionally need a break. In guy land, it is known that the guy with the kid can call you up and within five minutes you will be at his house picking him up with road sodas and a plan to surround him with loads of booze and strange female genitalia. It’s true. Now who are these guys going to call? The “In Case of Emergency Break Glass Friend” has a baby that is three days younger than guy #1’s baby. So he automatically reverts to “Super Emergency Backup Kicker Friend”, who by the way, has a baby that is seven days younger than guy #1’s kid. Ummm, guys, listen close here, I can only say this one way and one time only, believe it when I say it,

“I AM SORRY BUT YOUR LIVES ARE OFFICIALLY OVER. FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER. YOU HAVE TURNED IN YOUR MANHOOD!”

These sick depraved broads did the same thing to themselves. Who are they going to lean on when their little poop factories have their wah wah makers pinned at top throttle volume and hubby is curled up in the fetal position in the corner with his thumb in his mouth? You can’t call your girlfriend anymore, cause she can’t hear her phone ringing over her own hairless Chihuahua. These poor, poor bastards…

Now on to the footballing and really quick hits:

1) Trap Game for sure. Tampa is still playing for the playoffs in the handicapped NFC. They are coming to play, and the weather will in fact favor them a bit. But, on the other hand, Brian “When in doubt throw it straight up in the air” Griese is attempting to quarterback the team. Bodes well for us…

2) We are going to have to throw the thing this week I think. Their defense should be able to stop the “Hoss”. Good throws equal victory…

3) Movie reviews suck. Stop it. What do you think this is? You owe us all shots for wasting our time with that garbage…

4) Tailgating is at A3 again. In the bright sunshine…

5) Victory shots coming at 6:12 p.m. with all the parking trap traffic and all.

Have a happy footballing weekend and enjoy work on Monday, I will be taking an extended weekend…

Thank You and Goodnight…oh, if you are a religious sort, pray for those poor bastards as mentioned above...