What's To Suck This Week?

I was going to lead off with a picture of Brooklyn Decker, the hot SI swimsuit model who does a weekly picks segment with Dr. Z over at cnnsi.com, but girl is seriously fug in her still photos. So here is Miss Britain 2006 instead. Enjoy.

Now for picks. Why do I even bother any more? I had about two picks right last week. Now the byes are over and that just means a couple more games for me to be absolutely baffled by. Suck me, football. Do with these picks what you may.

KC @ Miami
This is what I love about football odds makers. They are as flabbergasted by this season as I am. On the merit of crushing the Bears last week, the Dolphins are only one point dogs to the Chiefs. I can’t be wrong on this one, can I? Besides, Damon Huard is a spectacular talent that miraculously went undiscovered for 9 years in the NFL, or some such bullshit.
Chiefs 32, Dolphins 17

Houston @ Jacksonville
Sorry Texans, you get no such love for hanging in there with the Giants. You’re about to be crushed by the Jags in the eyes of Vegas. I’m going to help you out, though, by picking the Jags to dominate. They love proving to me that they don’t even know what the fuck they are.
Jags 28, Texans 14

San Diego Super Chargers @ Cincy
This will be the game where Chad Johnson gets to say “I told you so” as he rips our decimated defense to the tune of 9 catches for 175 yards and 2 TDs. Too bad it’s all for naught as the Chargers go all Air Coryell on the Bengals. Mark my words, you will have fun watching this game. And maybe a heart attack.
Bolts 35, Bengals 31

Cleveland @ Atlanta
If Atlanta is smart and goes back to not letting Mike Marino throw the ball at any cost their running attack should gash the Browns for about 6000 yards. The question is, is Atlanta smart? I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt, even though I don’t want to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Falcons 27, Browns 16

Baltimore @ Tennessee
Fuck you, Baltimore, I hate you! But I want you to keep winning, cause we need another crack at you silly bitches. You know we outplayed you. Whores!!!
Ravens 20, Titans 9

Buffalo @ Indy
Buffalo handled Brett Favre. People used to talk about Brett Favre like they talk about Girl’s Name now. Maybe…Nope. Too much of a stretch. Losman!
Colts 28, Bills 13

New Orleans @ Pitt
Seriously, everybody, Pittsburgh sucks. Stop giving them any credit. They are the badness. New Orleans may be in the NFC, but they’re going to the Superbowl and certainly that makes them good enough to beat the lowly, sickly Steelers, so stop giving them points.
Saints 24, Steelers 17

Washington @ Philly
Well, well, well NFC East. Don’t you stink up the joint these days? People shouldn’t even have to pick these games anymore. Both of these teams blow and I traded Clinton Portis in my fantasy league so I’m just going to throw out some made up shit here.
Eggles 11ty-4, Skins At least 7 less than that.

Green Bay @ Minnesota
Well, well, well NFC North. Doesn’t the NFC East look down its nose at you? Losers. Watching this game will kill you.
Minnesota 3. Green Bay 3

New York Jets @ New England
Something tells me that Scott Mitchell turns back into Joe Montana this week, but I still don’t think the Pats cover 10.5. What fun to watch a game where the only two players you’ve heard of are the QBs.
Pats 24, Jets 22

Santa Clara @ Detroit
It baffles me that NBC didn’t move this Clash of the Titans to 5:30. Both of these teams are playing for pride. That’s fucking bullshit!
Lions 30, Niners 13

Oakland @ Denver
Denver has been running up points the last couple weeks which leads to them giving 10 to the Raiders. Watch them lay down in Oakland and barely eek this one out. But why not? What’s the danger of not trying when the other team doesn’t even bother to field an offense. That’s a tiny fucking hat, Shell.
Shit Ponies 10, Raiders 0

Sweet Lou @ Seattle
It really comes down to who doesn’t want to win this division more. My money’s on the Rams, who decided that a 4-1 start pretty much proved their point, and who likes overkill anyway?
Hawks 29, Rams 25

Dallas @ Arizona
Makes you wonder what Dallas was looking ahead to last week, doesn’t it?
Cowgirls 38, Birds 15

Chicago @ New York Giants
Who will be King of the Crap Heap? Doesn’t matter, Drew Brees is going to kick all your asses. That’s fucking destiny’s team! They survived a hurricane for cryin’ out loud! I hope both of these teams lose. Twice.
vaGiants 24, Bears 17

Tampa @ Carolina
Okay, Panthers, time to stop making everybody look so stupid and step up your game a bit. The Bucs should be good for that. Right? Right?
Panthers 27, Bucs 14

Girl’s name is even on my damn radio! Right now! As I type this. What an ass bag. He should buy me something. Anyway, those are my picks. Feel free to laugh and point if you see me walking down the street.

Check in this weekend. If I’m not to drunk or hungover, I may sneak in a mid-season report card for all or some of the NFL teams. I probably won’t, but you won’t know if you don’t check. Asses*. Go Bolts!!!


*Sorry for being so surly, it’s been a long week. Jerk faces.