On The Seventh Day, The Lord Got Hammered While Watching Football. He Had To Right? He Made Me In His Own Image.

This is the part where I say that my picks have gone to shit and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll ignore them completely, or better yet, you’ll bet opposite and clean up big time. Then I’ll go ahead and end up being on the money with every pick as though God were trying to tell me the sky was orange cause I said it was blue. But maybe I’m trying to fool God, in which case he will strike me down for my ruse and just cut out the middle man by torching my wallet whilst it is still in my pocket. But what if there is no God, as certain other Godless fucks I know would say? To that I say I know God personally. He often kicks me straight in the jimmies to remind me he’s there. Thank you, Lord, may I have another? Anyway, here’s the way it might turn out. Doist what thy will demands.

KC @ Sweet Lou
I’ve got to believe the Chiefs come out here and prove to me they can’t play outside of Arrowhead. Unfortunately, that’s my gut instinct, so I’m going to go ahead and fight it. Sorry Rams, here come the locusts!
Chiefs 27, Rams 21

Cincy @ Baltimore
I think that when Baltimore finishes the season 12-4 I’m probably still going to be all, “You guys are sucky.” Does that make me stupid? Plague of frogs on ya, Ravens!
Bengals 20, Ravens 14

Houston @ vaGiants
Poor David Carr. Plays on a bad team that makes stupid decisions and now he actually has to worry about Sage Rosenfels? That’s rough. The rivers are gonna run red with blood, Texans.
vaGiants 34, Texans 20

Tennessee @ Jacksonville
I don’t even know. Seriously, these two teams are capable of anything. Whatever I pick is going to be wrong. I’m covered in boils of indecision.
Jacksonville 24, Tennessee 20

Dallas @ Washington
I really want to say Washington, cause Brunell has a totally kickass relationship with the Lord, but Jerry Jones put a hole in his stadium so God could watch Cowgirls home games. He’s got the Lord in his pocket, and after this game Brunell will be able to attend church on Sundays again.
Cowgirls 31, Redskins 17

Green Bay @ Buffalo
Brett Favre? Bad team? What do you think? I know, you don’t care. And neither does God.
Packers 26, Bills 20

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
God still owes New Orleans, I guess, and He hates possessed psycho killer dolls. They’re a fucking abomination!
Saints 23, Bucs 21

Atlanta @ Detroit
The Lord gave AWL WINS gonorrhea, and he tries to make it up to him this week by giving him Detroit. I’d say that makes them about square.
Falcons 34, Lions 24

Miami @ Chicago
God hates Miami.
Bears 30, Dolphins 13

Cleveland @ San Diego
God gives San Diego near perfect weather nearly all year round. Who do you think he favors? Also, screw you Peter King for saying the Chargers only score 21 this week. Merriman doesn’t even play offense, but TBE does!
Chargers 40, Browns 20

Denver @ Pittsburgh
I thought I was really smart for picking the Steelers this week, until I realized that they’re inexplicably favored in this game. God doesn’t want me to feel all smart and shit. And Steelers fans are ridiculously loyal. It’ll pay off.
Steelers 28, Broncos 27

Superbowl
Indy @ New England
Peyton Fucking Girl’s Name comes back big in the fourth after going down big early, but God has a total man crush on Tom Brady.
Pats 31, Colts 28

Oakland @ Seattle
…Do I even need to go there?
Hawks 17, Raiders14

There you have it. Maybe good. Maybe bad. Sorry I got all Biblical on you, but the games are played on freaking Sunday, so suck it. And hey, heathens, if you don’t like it just picture me blanking out into fucking nothingness when I die. That should put a God damned smile on your face!