Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The Cut.

It just feels like a Jessica Alba day. I did watch Sin City last night.

These short weeks kill me. Between the flex schedule forcing me to attempt to stay sober enough to focus on the Charger game Sunday night (I failed miserably) and the Thanksgiving holiday, I feel backed up, and to be honest, still a bit hung-over. So here we are, Wednesday already, and it’s time for the cut. I got a couple of bubble contenders to start with, and it appears to be a cable network bitchfest for a Wednesday morning.

1) This NFL Network garbage. Now, I know it’s not exactly the demographic that the NFL is appealing to, but I swear there has to still be a fan or two out there that can’t afford cable television, let alone a freaking satellite dish, but the league grants itself a handful of games starting this year and it’s sure to be more in the years to come. I mean, come on, they gave themselves a night game on Thanksgiving. I find it awfully hypocritical that in a year where the NFL takes credit for single-handedly rebuilding the city of New Orleans, they’re telling people there that they are going to have to go to a bar or buy a dish if they want to catch the game tomorrow night. I don’t know if the local cable provider out there carries the NFL Network, but I imagine that even if it does, many of the thousands of people still living in FEMA trailers probably don’t have the most reliable coverage. More importantly, though, is how this affects me. I wouldn’t mind catching the Chiefs-Shit Ponies game tomorrow night, but I am so stupid that I chose Time-Warner to be my cable provider. Oh wait! I didn’t have a choice. Did you hear that? I have to peel my turkey-bloated fat guy ass off the faux-leather living room couch and head to a bar to watch the game because my cable provider will not fork out the dough to carry NFLN, and I have no other option, but cable providers are not a monopoly at all. Fuck you! The only saving grace of NFLN, and I could be wrong and I may have merely dreamt this, is that home games not subject to broadcast blackouts will still be shown on the local affiliate even if they are on NFLN. Thanks, you glorious assbags!

2) ESPN. First off, I’m pretty sure it has gotten to a point where every single douche bag you employ either annoys (see, Joe Theisman and the Monday Night Crew, Stuart Scott…etc.) or infuriates (Sean Salisbury, Chris Berman…etc.) me. And aside from that, as your network slides towards the depths of the unwatchable (See Lifetime, We…etc.), you have the gall to demand far more money than any other basic cable net for HD coverage. Bitches!

3) Time Warner Cable. My cable signal sucks and you fuckers are cheap.

But the big winner on today’s cut…



…Jury duty! If you don’t think jury duty is football related, you have not been paying attention to football over the last few years. Jury duty blows. I’ve been blessed with jury duty more times than I can remember, and I have never so much as had my name called to leave the big boring cattle-call room and actually answer some question. This blows because I’ve had my answers lined up for years. You know, about how I’m a hard core conservative Christian who hates all races and homosexuals, and not only do I support the death penalty 100%, I write my Governor thrice weekly urging him to push for a torture penalty. So I get my what seems to be biannual jury summons and at this point all I look at is the date, because I’ve totally got the drill down at this point. I know that I’ve got a two week window going in either direction and now all I have to do is pick the day most beneficial to my cause of doing things that make me happy. The date they gave me was last Friday the 17th. Sweet. I chose today. Honestly, do you think a bunch of judges are going to work all day before a four day weekend? Hell no, I figured I’d likely be out by 11:00 and on the beach if the weather is nice enough. Well, jokes on me for never having read anything the government has ever sent me. Turns out, I didn’t have actual jury duty, but some kind of fucked up supplemental jury duty. That means I was supposed to call last Thursday and see if they needed me to come in or be faced with contempt of court. Fabulous! I called last night and apparently my “jury duty” was somehow fulfilled in absentia and they were kind enough not to throw the book at me, but short story long; I am probably expected to work all day by my employer. Thanks San Diego County Court System. Thanks a shitload!

So there’s your cut. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed shitting it out my bitch hole. Why don’t you guys chime in this week and let me know what you’d like to see cut? Inquiring minds want to know.

5 comments:

Jeff said...

Sorry about the jury duty man, probably could have made it on one of the many Charger cases, you know the shooting, or maybe even testifing on the "LEAN"

FryanEgg said...

So let me get this straight, the Football Network televises a 3rd game on Thanksgiving day for the first time ever and since not everyone in New Orleans can watch it than no one should? How many games on Sunday do you miss because your cable provider will only show one maybe two games that day? Maybe we should pass a new amendment that everyone who simply "wants to" should be allowed to get all NFL games televised for free....commie.

Maximum Colossus said...

I don't believe any football games should be televised on any station that you can't get with bunny ears or tinfoil. A Thanksgiving day game that I have to leave my house for because my cable provider doesn't carry the network is unacceptable to me. Capitalist dog!

FryanEgg said...

You should be eating turkey and reenacting the landing at plymouth rock with your family anyway...

Maximum Colossus said...

You tryin' to call me unAmerican, sucka?! I know where you live. Well, I know people that know where you live. And there's Google maps. Anyway, I could find you and I'm sure we could settle this like men. You know, where I sneak up behind you with a bat?

Eh, who am I kidding, I'll end up in the bar anyway. Maybe this year there'll be more people even. Thanks, NFL Network! You've cured my lonely!