It's Only Football. Take It Like A Man!

I'm not going to pretend the above picture of Elisha Cuthbert is even remotely football related. Does that make you sad?

There’s some added pressure on me to write this Inside The…I Got Nothin’ summary this week. My esteemed colleague, CJ, sat down and watched the craptastic four with me this time around and has threatened to write his own piece covering anything I miss. This is because he is a loser who is not creative enough to come up with his own topics to write about here. He is also an ass-faced ass who has never introduced me to any Chargers cheerleaders he used to work with. The problem is two-fold, however. First, this episode might have been the most mind-numbing installment in the history of the program. Second, my brain had a very weak signal last night and I was having a ridiculous time trying to process the carnage on the screen. But one must perservere, even through the worst of the bad times, so on with the show!

As is normally the case we are initially given one last warning as to what we will be subjected to in the hour to come if we do not bail out now and watch some Scrubs or Seinfeld reruns on some other channel. This week we will revisit some of the many upsets from this past weekend, we will discuss the fall of the defending Superbowl champs, we’ll talk about the frustration of The OC (Ocho Cinco, if you weren’t here last week (Chad Johnson, if you weren’t here the week before)), Peter King will sit down with Rex Grossman to find out why Grossman hates fantasy football, and to add insult to injury, the boys bring in one more idiot, Lewis Black, to show us how he watches football while he’s on the road yelling at people until they promise to laugh if he will just let the children go.

We start off with the Round Table discussing the things they know now that the season has officially reached the halfway point. Marino finally concedes that the Steelers are done, but if you think you’ve heard the last of that, stay tuned because denial is a long, long river. He also says the Dolphins are done, but if you’re getting paid for this sort of observation you should have known that at the quarter post. Dan does hit on one good point that of course is also apparent to half the nation, the NFC sucks. Well, he says it’s a good time to be a mediocre NFC team. Translation, the NFC sucks. Carter says Colston, not Bush is the rookie of the year, and I’m pretty sure that hasn’t been in doubt since about week three, so thanks Cris. Chris Collinsworth points out the way the league has driven itself towards the individual (Read: Wide Receivers), and I have to agree that it is lame, but I’m not sure what that has to do with it being the halfway point of the season. I guess, like, expect that trend to continue for the rest of the season? Whatever, slow brain. Chris Collinsworth also points out the surprising way teams like the Saints and the Jets have firmly entrenched themselves in the playoff race and I’m all, “Yeah those teams have totally done that, except for the Jets who suck!” Nice one Chris Collinsworth, maybe if there were about six wildcards for the AFC.

Check it, we’re going right to the big game, Superbowl XLMLMCHAMMER!!! That’s right, first up on the highlight reel is, of course, the Undefeated Super Horses (Sorry Broncos!) at the Oh How The Mighty Have Fallen Ex-Patriots. Two things we can take from this game. Tom Brady, you will now be referred to as Scott Mitchell, cause Joe Montana never would have done those things you done did. Peyton Manning has finally proven he can win the big one that isn’t really a big one at all. See you in the playoffs, loser!

The Round Table reconvenes and Costas baits everyone by asking if the road to the Superbowl goes through Indy now. Chris Collinsworth throws it back in his face and says that the Colts run D sucks balls and there are too many good running teams in the AFC (Read: Chargers). He even criticizes Bill “The Genius” Belichek for a miserable game plan against the Colts. I may never besmirch Chris Collinsworth’s name again. Marino points out that Chris Collinsworth said the Pats would blow out the Colts, but what he is really saying is, “Look everybody; someone else was wrong for a change!” Carter has the real gems here, though. First he claims that Bob Sanders getting healthy is the best defensive adjustment the Colts have made this season, and I’ll just go ahead and let you chew on that for a while. Then he claims that the Colts pursuit of a perfect season will help them in the post-season this year, while in the same breath acknowledging that the same pursuit last year hurt them. You been taking pointers from Dantana Marinara, there Crisco? Ultimately, Costas goes AWL WINS on Girl’s Name and says that now that he can win the “big” game, he is an unstoppable force, and everyone agrees, but they don’t seem all that sure (Read: Chargers).

Here comes your first SIS of the week. The NFL, apparently trying to shore up its reputation on all fronts, puts the boys at NFL Films to the task of making cheerleaders unsexy. That’s right, instead of trotting out those two hot rug munchers from Carolina, they decide to showcase the Baltimore Ravens' oldest cheerleader. Don’t get me wrong, she’s hot for a MOTHER OF THREE. Fuck you, NFL! I want my cheerleaders dirty, just like everyone else. Jokes on you, though, I have no moral compass, and I was having dirty thoughts the whole time. Dirtier than usual in fact, just to stick it to ya! Anyway, Old mom cheerleader assures us the girls know plenty about football, but I will continue to believe they’re not that bright, cause it’s hotter and it’s true. But even they can tell that the Ravens pissed off the Bengals for us, but they still suck.

Now Chris Collinsworth, Damn Marino (Sweet, right?) and Dumb Carter (Eh?) talk about the character issues in Cincy, and they all defend Marvin Lewis cause he’s nice and a minority coach (Read: Beyond reproach) and say that they had to reach for poor character guys since no one else would ever go to Cincinnati, and I can’t really argue with that. Everybody rightfully picks the Chargers to beat up on the Bengals this weekend, because we exude quality moral attributes like no other team in the league. Rockin’.

Green Bay at Buffalo
Favre handled this bad team to the tune of like a thousand yards. Too bad each textbook drive was capped off with a textbook mistake. Retire, ass hole! Losman apparently threw a TD in this game. I did not know that. It was one of those old Drew Brees deals where the receiver has to stand there like he’s waiting for a bus til the ball comes, then he runs the last five yards for the score. Air Coryell it was not. Losman!

Dolphins at Bears
Have you ever seen a game that sucked for both teams more? The Bears have to wonder about their QB of the foreseeable future now that he’s melted down twice in the last three weeks against some seriously shitty teams, and the Dolphins have to admit to their fans that while they may enjoy some exciting spoiler football for the rest of the season, they will not reach the post-season because they were too stupid to pull Culpepper before he sunk them but good. Snip, snip Saban, you’re on the block, no matter what they say.

King’s Corner! King’s Corner! Party time! Excellent!
This week Peter King goes to Chicago to ask Lovie Smith if he was considering pulling the plug on Rex Grossman after another poor performance against Miami. Those of you who thought that Lovie would take this opportunity to put his young quarterback on notice in front of a national audience were wrong. Lovie inexplicably says he’s sticking with the kid, but he will not be voting for him for the Pro Bowl. King then asks Grossman how he intends to deal with his two horrible games and he throws out some clichés about learning experiences or some such nonsense, but what he really meant to say was, “Up yours, King! I’ll come over there and knock your snaggleteeth through the back of you head!” To which Peter would have no doubt replied, “Please don’t hurt me, Rex! They told me if I kept tossing softball questions to my guests, they’d send me back to the studio with Dan and Cris!” Peter then runs down the injuries on the Giants for this weeks game. Amani Toomer’s out. Three defensive ends are out. Utilitarian linebacker Brandon Short is out. The word “utilitarian” is totally applicable there, but it still makes Brandon Short sound like a Nazi. Costas asks King why NFL Commisioner Roger Goodell didn’t suspend Tyler Brayton for kneeing Jerramy Stevens in the nuts? King says it’s cause Stevens was an instigator earlier in the game, but I think it’s cause he spells Jeremy, Jerramy, and that doesn’t make any sense at all. Costas asks why they weren’t both suspended and King says because Goodell wanted to keep with the disciplinary procedures Paul Taglibue put in place. Um, didn’t King say that Goodell suspended Albert Haynesworth or somebody like that because he wanted to separate his policies from those put in place by Tagliabue. I’m too lazy to look it up. But I’m sure I put that in one of my previous summaries, so if you’re bored…

The boys back in the studio feel the Bears, who two weeks ago were at the top of everyone’s power rankings and giving the ’85 version a run for their money, will fall to the banged up Giants. It doesn’t really even matter though, does it? I mean, we can all agree that the NFC is like the NIT of the NFL, right?

Here’s a segment about the smartest and dumbest predictions that the guys have made so far this season. Now, you would probably think I would love this, but it went so fast I really couldn’t keep up, what with my slow brain and all. And once again, fuck your Tivo. All I can remember is that the Steelers made Danny look stupid at least three times and Chris Collinsworth said that the Lions D would be solid. If you really want, go back and check the archives, I’m pretty sure I’ve documented every stupid thing these dumbshits have uttered so far this year.

Falcons at Detroit
Roy Williams is miked up, and I’ve got to wonder if these players lobby for that shit, because the Lions suck. At least they did until Mike Marino came to town. What goes up must come down. Also, Chad Johson must be pissed about now, cause Roy Williams made DeAngelo Hall his lady in this game. And speaking of ladies, Roy Williams wants you all to know he’s got a little somethin’ somethin’ for you as he obsesses over his size 16 shoes to the tune of at least three mentions in this segment. You go, Roy Williams. Seriously, go.

Dallas @ Redskins
Seemingly a big rivalry game with some possible playoff implications, but I can’t for the life of me think of anything interesting that happened.

Retard Face-off!
Weird one this week. Marino asks the questions, and Costas and Chris Collinsworth portray the retards. This should be interesting.
1) Is TO overrated?
Costas - Slightly overrated do to his dropping of big passes. Well, yeah, that’s true. Touché Bob.
Chris Collinsworth - TO is incredible because he’s been able to neuter Parcells. Sorry, Chris Collinsorth, I believe it’s Jerry Jones working those snippers.
2) If you could make one move on one football team what would it be?
Costas - The Eagles should give the ball to Brian Westbrook more. I’m starting to wonder if Bob even watches football anymore. At least he didn’t say Reno Mahe needs more touches. You know, just because he likes variety?
Chris Collinsworth - Completely ignoring the one team-one move portion of the question, Chris Collinsworth feels that Big Gay Ben and Rex Grossman (Rex is also kind of a gay name, to be honest) should be put on pitch counts. I wouldn’t let either one of these ass hats touch my football right now. That’s right, I actually prefer Charlie Batch and Brian Griese if I’m a coach right now. Of course, Cowher would never do that. How long did he let Cordell Stewart dress up in quarterback clothes for?
Marino can’t keep his mouth out of a retard showdown and says that the Bears should just let Grossman go bombs away for some reason or another. I mean, he still has never thrown FIVE interceptions in a game.
3) Should some, like kill the guy who came up with the John Mellencamp This is Our Country campaign?
Costas - We’ve struck a nerve! Costas loves, loves, loves Mellencamp, and is apparently distraught over the fact that one of his favorite songs has been so overplayed that people may never again be able to appreciate for the masterpiece it is.
Chris Collinsworth - Hell, it pays his salary, what does he care? Awesome, Chris Collinsworth, I’m starting to wonder if I ever actually hated your stupid face?
Personally, I think Mellencamp can suck it, because the only thing that ever made him cool was that he went by John COUGAR Mellencamp. You drop the cougar and I drop you, but I’m sure my mom enjoys your shit. Douche.

KC at St. Louis
How in the world do the Chiefs game plan three turnovers in the first half of every game? More teams should employ that strategy. It just makes sense.

Denver at Pitt
These guys did not make it to the Superbowl last year, did they? Well they certainly didn’t win the thing, right? Way to alligator arm that end zone dive Hines Ward. And Denver, don’t think I didn’t notice how you let this sorry team stick around for a long time Sunday. I can’t wait til the Bolts get a piece of you.

Marino still thinks that the Steelers are going to be a dangerous opponent for the rest of the season. Playing for pride, I guess? You all know how I feel about playing for pride. Everybody takes the Steelers to beat the Saints, and being that the Saints are an NFC team, I find it hard to argue. But I know something they don’t know. The Saints are going to the Superbowl, and Drew Brees is going to be a real bitch cause because he’ll be facing A.J. Smith’s Chargers. Carter and Costas take the Seahawks to beat the Rams, and ho-hum, who cares?

Here’s a list of things Lewis Black yells about in his feature:

Chris Henry
Ben Roethlissberger
Satellite TV
Traffic
Churchgoers
TV Graphics
Dan Marino on Nutrisystem
Commercials

If you are interested maybe you can find it on youtube. Fuck Lewis Black, he sucks.

Say something!
Costas - The Minnesota vs. San Francisco game was unwatchable no matter who you are a fan of. I don’t know about that. I mean, I wouldn’t recommend it. Okay, totally unwatchable.

Carter - If Peyton Manning is Superman, then the San Diego Chargers might be Kryptonite in the playoffs. What?! Carter, just when I think you gone and said the stupidest thing you could ever say, you say something like this…and totally redeem yourself!!!

Marino - The Steelers will still make the playoffs. Ha ha, Dan, we get it. You’re an idiot. Let it go.

Chris Collinsworth - This will be the year we will see something new. Either a black coach, Marty Schottenheimer or Tom Coughlin will win the Superbowl. That’s an easy call Chris Collinsworth, I’ve been telling you all along who it is. Way to make those other guys feel included, though.

Sorry, Chargers, you didn’t make the highlight cut this week, because INFL had to make room for Green Bay-Buffalo and Lewis Black. I’m sure you understand. Go Bolts!!!