Friday, November 17, 2006

A Dark Day Indeed.


Before I get on with my brilliantly scathing summary of that sucky show I force myself to gag through every week, I’d like to take a moment to remember a fallen sexpot. R.I.P. Jessica Biel, who was spotted out earlier in the week with Yankee shit stain Derek Jeter. Alas, Jessica, once high on my list of daydream boner jams, is dead to me. Okay, honestly, she’s more like in a coma, because I’m not sure this whole thing isn’t a big, fat beard. I mean, I’m pretty sure Jess is a super hot lesbian, and I’m damn near positive that Derek Jeter’s a gay guy. Whatever. Time will tell.

Expect extra amounts of vitriol in today’s rantings. It’s nine o’clock (Did the Irish invent the concept of time? Or just clocks?) and I’ve got Hall & Oates stuck in my head. And I don’t mean something kick ass like Maneater, I’ve got You’re Fucking Kiss is on My Fucking List stuck in the old noggin’. Curse your hot licks, John Oates!

As per usual, at the outset of Inside the Cruel Heart of a Cold-Blooded Bitch we are given insight as to the treats that lay ahead. If you haven’t had enough of Mama McNabb from the Chunky Soup commercials, have no fear, she’s this week’s Bill Cowher’s daughter! Then we’ll talk hot QBs Steve McNair and Philip Rivers. It makes me sick that they’d drop the two in the same sentence, and I’m sure it makes Mike Marino and Donovan McNabb fans upset when the INFL crew is so racist that they showcase the performances of two white QBs like that. Best of all, we’ll get an interview with Chad Pennington to discuss his amazing third or fourth comeback and the play-off bound (for about another week) New York non-vaGiants. I know you’re chomping at the bit, and so was I, so let’s get on with the good times!

The Round Table convenes and Bob Costas wants to hear a little speculation. This is going to be good, cause everyone likes to speculate. That’s how Benjamin Franklin invented the lightning bolt! So they start out talking about how if the Bears meet the Colts in the Superbowl, no matter who loses, a black head coach will have won their first Superbowl ever. Then all the guys talk about what an amazing accomplishment this would be (even though neither of those teams is going to the Superbowl) and Cris Carter is the only one who actually has something interesting to say when he mentions that it’s really all for naught until there are black owners. I have to agree, and then maybe we could have our damned celebrations back. Seriously, something like 80% of the fans are in favor of on-field celebrations, but all these owners can think about seems to be that their granddaughters might have sex with The OC or TO if they don’t somehow take the emphasis off of them! Meanwhile, Joe Simpson is out trying to hook Tony Romo up with Jessica and I’m sure Jerry Jones is ready to spring for the nuptials. Racists! Carter then goes on to say that if he were an owner, he’d hire Bill Belichek. Make of it what you will.

Bears @ vaGiants
Our first SIS of the week and check it out, Ed Motherfuckin’ Hercules is in the house(I’m the first person I ever heard call him Hercules, so I’m taking credit, cause I’m funnier than you)! Yep, they featured the referees. Could you imagine if baseball did this with the Umps? Those guys already think the fans come to see them. I fear The Blind Conglomerate of Retired Judges may suffer the same fate. It’s already a yellow ticker tape parade on most fields, most Sundays, now they’re gonna start dancing. In the actual game, the vaGiants were signing defensive linemen at the gate and it showed in the second half, when Rex Grossman solidified himself as the next Otto Graham, or at least Jim Harbaugh. Mark my words, people, he’ll never melt down again. Am I the only person who believes that if you give up a TD on a field goal return to a team that has pulled off the same thing within the last decade, you should have to forfeit your season?

Back at the round table, Chris Collinsworth makes a crack about how he hates any ref more built than him and I’m just going to go ahead and leave that softball right up there in the zone for you to do with as you please. Costas asks the group who they would take at QB for their imaginary franchise out of the 2004 QB class? Marino says he likes all three, but that based on what he’s accomplished Dan loves Big Gay Ben. Dan loves Big Gay Ben. Chris Collinsworth says they all give him whiplash with their up and down play, and I have to wonder if you can blame the QB when his idiot coach only calls 13 passing plays against the Ravens? Fucking bullshit, Worthless takes BGB too and re-earns his nickname all in the same breath. Carter says he would have taken BGB before the motorcycle accident (That apparently left him with some sort of brain damage), but now he’d take Rivers based on his pre-NFL track record and the fact that he’s working with one of the worst receiving corps in the league. I take umbrage at that remark, but Carter did ultimately pick Rivers so he’s something less than a complete retard.

Saints @ Steelers
Bush scored another TD, vaulting himself back into the rookie of the year competition. To no avail, the Steelers hand the Saints their second defeat in three games, and I have to say, I’ve seen this collapse before. Of course, 8-8 in the NFC will probably be good enough to keep the Superbowl dreams alive.

Bolts @ Bengals
There isn’t much to say about this one that hasn’t been said. We got a lot of highlight love, though I could have done with a little less Chad Johson, but we have no one to blame except ourselves for that. It seems I don’t have to be hung-over to get a little teary eyed over TBE highlights. And viewing footage of Philip Rivers yelling, “You thought it was over!” to the Bengals fans puts the young man on pace, in this very early point in his career, to be one of my favorite Charger QBs ever. Of course, just showing up vaults you to #3, so we’ll have to wait and see how high he can go.

Jets @ Pats
Way to fumble the ball, Scott Mitchell. No tuck rule for you! You better be careful or the paid sports guys will start calling Rex Grossman Joe Montana.

Marino and Carter now share their thoughts on the upcoming Superbowl #2 between the Bolts and the Shit Ponies. Carter comes out firing with a gem about TBE being the most underrated player in the league. Okay, I firmly believe that you can never shower TBE with enough love, but even I won’t go as far as to say that he just can’t get his props. Tomlinson gets a ton of love for a southwest coaster, and after we win the Superbowl, I imagine the league will start referring to itself as Just a Bunch of Guys Who Can’t Hold TBE’s Jock. Marino says that if Plummer makes too many turnovers the Chargers win. There he goes with his wishy washy predictions. I guess both guys say they like the Chargers here, but the only reason I can tell is because Worthless calls them both crazy and picks Denver to win. Ass.

Costas interviews Chad Pennington. Of that much I’m certain. I really want to tell you what was said, but I swear to God this conversation put me to sleep. Chad’s voice puts me to sleep. His dull clichés put me to sleep. Even his fucking highlights put me to sleep. He’s like that little glowing butterfly from the commercials.

When we get back to the boys, Carter who apparently referred to Chadwick’s arm as a squirtgun, refuses to stop talking shit. And I don’t mind, because Pennington sucks. They ponder what the problem is for Brady in Foxboro. I have to laugh because lot’s of QBs lose two games without the whole world analyzing their problems. I don’t mind though because Brady is a pretty boy douche bag, and he can go crying home to Jeter for all I care. Fuck you, Derek Jeter! Could you imagine that pairing? It’d be like a modern day Romeo and Juliet!

Redskins @ Eggles
Now for SIS #2, and this one is chock full of chunky goodness. Momma McNabb is in the house! This episode is killing me. Honestly, bring back Tiki Barber, I’m begging! I would say I hate these stupid stories, but you know as soon as I do they’ll trot out Philip Rivers’ Granddad or Terrence Kiel’s respiratory specialist for an inside look. So, instead I’ll just say I hate Campbell’s Chunky Soup after this one. And if you want to know what they said about the life of Momma McNabb, turn in your remote, because your football fanning sucks!

King’s Corner! King’s Corner! Party Time! Excellent!
This week Peter is pissed off about draft day report cards that come out the day after the draft. You see, any good idiot will tell you that drafts take years to mature like a fine wine (Fuck you, Dr. Z, your picks are for shit!). Apparently, back in 2004, everybody (on the east coast, I assume) thought that New York had totally put one over on the Chargers when they gave up a whole bunch of picks for that shitbrick ShEli Manning. Now, King says, that the deal might some day shape up to be a latter day Hershel Walker fiasco. Well, Mr. King, your cookie is in the mail. Ha ha, vaGiants! Peter King said you stupid. Then Petey starts talking about the NFL network and big games that I won’t be able to see because Time Warner Cable sucks a turd, and I start to get angry but then my eyes start to glaze over cause I could give a shit. Portis is put on IR, and now there is officially no reason to watch the Redskins unless you’re all fired up to see what Jason Campbell can do, but I care less about him than his Chunky Soup. Testeverde is the new third stringer in Beantown, and I swear to God that guy has dirty pictures of everybody. Herm Edwards is going to start Trent Green this week and Larry Johnson better look out, cause I hear Priest Holmes is on the mend. Thank you, Peter King, you bring calm to a crazy world.

Rams @ Hawks
Josh Brown has a problem with the Rams. He hates these Rams! Stay away from these Rams!



Packers @ ViQueens
Brett Favre smells the play-offs and I can’t even convince myself they’re not the best team in the NFC.

Retard Face-off (Is that, I don’t know, not PC?)
This week Carter is firing off questions to Worthless and Marino. Is that even fair. I mean, Marino is marginally more likeable I suppose, but Worthless looks like he should be kind of smart. We’ll find out.
1) Is the Charger D good enough for the Superbowl?
Dan sites their many off-field problems involving police shootings, cough syrup and steroids, and proceeds to not ever answer the question. Dan talks an awful lot about consistency, and it’s nice to hear that he practices what he preaches.
Worthless says that the Bolts are good enough to beat Indy, and I’m not sure that’s an answer either, but I’m just happy that people are talking about us.
2) What’s with Mike MarinoVick?
Worthless points out that Vick and the Falcons collapsed in the second half last year as well, and that they fall apart if they go behind early in a game.
Dan says Vick and the other players have a problem being consistent. See?
Carter says Vick is carnival folk, with his small hands and such.
I say…well, you know what I think.
3) What’s up with Joe Gibbs?
Dan says that Joe Gibbs future here depends on what goes down with Jason Campbell, and Worthless says the whole deal is about 50/50, but that Gibbs doesn’t want to do a rebuilding thing. I’m not sure what he’d be rebuilding, but I am pretty sure that both of these ass holes just ducked another question.
4) This is their usual ha ha, self deprecating bullshit question and I went to the bathroom, cause I didn’t get it or care or whatever. I’m just thinking the same thing you’re thinking. Are we done with this shit yet?

Ravens @ Racists
McNair and the Ravens stormed the beaches of Tennessee and gave those Nazis the smackdown they deserved!

Browns @ Falcons
The Browns may be a little better than people are giving them credit for. Just kidding, those losers couldn’t even score 5 touchdowns when they played the Bolts. Come on, at least try to make it a game! Vick sucks, though.

So, everybody but Costas’ kid picks the Ravens over the Falcons and I didn’t even know the Falcons were racist, but then I remembered they have a white defensive end and that is totally unacceptable to Ray Lewis. Everybody says this could be the week the Colts are defeated and then they all pick the Colts to win. Awesome. Carter and Marino pick the vaGiants over the Jags, but I see here that the Jags are in the AFC, so even though I hate the Jags, Carter and Marino are stupid.

Say Something!

Marino- Two San Diego QBs, Drew Brees and Philip Rivers, will meet in the Superbowl. Get your own material, Dan! That’s my shit right there!

Worthless- Football needs an official scorer like in baseball, because QBs should not be saddled with an INT when their receivers decide to play volleyball out there. I like this idea, but Carter actually makes a good point and asks whether QBs should get the yards when their receivers catch a shitty pass. Well done Carter, I think that was two rational thoughts tonight. You’re on fire!

Costas- Detroit vs. Arizona. Costas hasn’t been this excited since Star Jones left the view. Ha ha. Don’t look at the flower on his lapel, it’ll shoot water in your eye!

Carter- Ohio St. by 3 on Saturday, then they come back and clobber the Arizona Cardinals on Sunday. And then there’s that.

That’s it. Three hours later and I’m done. I hope you appreciate what I do for you people. And for those of you that don’t, here’s a little something for you.



Go Bolts!!!

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