Just Kill Me, Already.

So, to balance out the horror of having to sit through yet another week of you know what, I watched a really ridiculous movie called , Bride and Prejudice. It's sort of a Bollywood meets Grease thing, which isn't exactly in my usual domain of movie interests. but Aiswarya Rai certainly is, so I figured I'd go ahead and share her with you above. Now on to the show.

Welcome to what has got to be week 73 of Inside Satan’s Cornhole with your hosts The Four Horsemen of the Crackpocalypse. This week starts off with some leftover Halloween decorations cause Halloween was Tuesday and as Mr. Collinsworth notes, on Wednesday you get all your décor for half price. I am also cheap, so that is not really a dig. Seriously, for Halloween last year I think I gave out Meese’s Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chews or some shit like that. This year I just went ahead and turned off the porch light. As usual, the fellows warn us ahead of time what we’re in for but I’m not going to spoil it for you, because even though All Hallow’s is now past, I still like the spooky.

The Fantastic Frauds first sit around talking about the amazing two weeks Mike Marino has had over there in Atlanta, and the big joke here is that it all started after his interview with Crarter back then. They suggest Crarter should go talk to Big Gay Ben, and The Quiet Steven A. says he doesn’t think he can fix that one. DAN Marino seems to take offense at that because he also used to be a white quarterback. Collinsworth mentions that other players have stepped up and I’m thinking they must be trying to prove to Mike Marino that he doesn’t need to play for the Colts to succeed. I think they should just beat his ass, but that’s just me. A big deal is also made of the fact that the coaches are letting him throw on first down now, but I think they are missing the big picture. When a team spends the first six weeks of the season establishing the run, the QB is going to get some open looks no matter who he is. But no, the guys seem to think Vick has turned the corner to the point that Costas actually asks if Vick has become a weapon the likes of which has never been seen in the NFL. He then backpedals and says he didn’t mean is Vick the best, but rather, is he unique. Sorry, Bob, the damage is done. You suck.

Highlight time:
Falcons @ Bengals
The first Story Inside the Story is Chad Johnson and his posse (Will the producers ever guess right? They lost the freaking game!). Chad wants to be called Ocho Cinco in honor of Mexican Appreciation Month or something, but I’m just going to refer to him as The OC, cause I’m not going to let some bajillionaire loudmouth wide receiver tell me what to do. So The OC brings his posse along and they all have colorful “street” names like “Idi Bo” and “Shadie.” They seem to relish the opportunity to fellate their childhood friend in front of a national audience on HBO, and now I’ve stumbled into a conundrum. If I were The OC, would I want my friends to demean themselves by stroking my ego for all the world to see or would I deprive them the opportunity to get a few seconds of fame on the moving picture tube? I think I would have to deprive them the opportunity, because I’m pretty sure that if I’m The OC all my friends are getting mad play and what other reason is there to want to be on TV, so fuck all your egos Idi Bo! In the actual game The OC was miked up and ready to go. He jaws a bit with DeAngelo Hall and unless you don’t own a TV you already know that The OC talked an awful lot of trash about The DH this past week. Too bad The DH barely covered him at all, which led The OC to do his best Luke Skywalker wanting to go to Tashi station for power converters on the sideline. “Why won’t they let The DH cover me?! I want the world to see my skills!” Well, he had a decent game, but they still lost to A Weapon the Likes of Which I’ve Never Seen (AWL WINS. Oh yeah, that pops.).

Ravens @ Saints
I sure seemed to hear a lot about the Saints problems this week, while at the same time hearing about how great the Ravens are and I can’t help but wonder if those two statements retard each other out? Anyway, Bush is no TBE so stop letting him throw the ball. It confuses Brees who then tries to show Bush how to really throw an INT. Well, now Brian Billick can go back to sucking himself off like he used to do after he won the Superbowl because he is calling the offense and refuses to realize that his defense really won that game. You're such a guru Brian!

Bob asks the boys what has changed for the Ravens and Marino (Dan, not Mike) says that they are being more patient with McNair and the offense and I don’t know what that means. Seriously, explain to me what that means in football terms, cause I want to use it, but I don’t want to fuck up the context. Worthless says that McNair finally learned the offense over the bye week. Wow. If only the off-season had been two weeks longer. The Ravens would have been putting up 35 from week one. Why these ass hats love McNair so much I will never know. Worthless likes Baltimore in this weeks Ravens-Bengals match-up and Dan Marino likes them both to win. I swear I am not making that up.
Bob asks what’s up with the Steelers and Danny Boy, in the biggest case of denial since Scott Peterson, says that they are CLOSE to out of the running. And I am CLOSE to getting paid to write this shit. Chrissy thinks Big Gay Ben is pressing, and I have to agree, because I am not stupid. On a side note, Ben is in desperation mode and trying to win back fan love by promising to never ride a motorcycle again. Sweet. What does that have to do with not pressing, Ben? Collinsworth and Marino like Denver to take a shovel to the suffering Steelers, but I have to agree with the other doofuses because it’s way to early in the season for me to stop being annoyed by the Steelers.

Rams @ The Glorious Chargers
Hurray, we made the highlight cut after a win! You really do love us, INFL! In true NFL Films fashion, this game is made to look much closer than it was. The voice would have you believe this game was close until McCree’s TD return, but that is a bald-faced lie! We handled the Rams. Or rather, TBE did, and look, there’s Schotty hugging and thanking him for saving his job again. Adorable.

Cowgirls @ Panthers
Let’s see, end around for a TD to Steve Smith. INT of Romo in his first start. Yeah, this game was predictable from the outset. The Panther’s won, right?

In analyzing the Panthers-Cowgirls game Carter describes to us what classic Parcells coaching is. It seems that Parcells is a big proponent of things such as controlling the ball on both sides, avoiding long third downs and putting pressure on the quarterback. Gee whiz, Einstein, I wonder what would happen if the other coaches got wind of that strategy. I foresee a lot of 14-14 ties. Everybody picks the Cowgirls to beat the Redskins next week, but they all hedge their bets by using the old wounded animal comparison on the Redskins. I’ll do you one better and compare them to an animal that has actually died.

Now for our Boring Story of the Week, which seems to have taken the place of the Tearjerker of the Week. This week it’s about Lyn Swann running for governor of Pennsylvania. The reason it’s football related is because Swann played for the Steelers way back in “the day.” I wasn’t sure if you guys knew that, but I swear it’s true. What makes this story even more footbally is that the incumbent governor is an Eagles fan! And he is on a local Eagles TV panel show! Get your political crap and your Mary Carillo off my football highlight show! Mary Carillo? I don’t see any tennis here! Anyway, in case you care, Swann is going to lose, but in the biggest case of denial since Marino said the Steelers were close to being out of the running, he thinks he could still win it. Too bad he made fun of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s command of the Queen’s English, because I’m betting that the Austrian vote could have put him over the top.

Peter King’s Corner!
Newsflash! The Superbowl is this Sunday in Foxboro! Sneaked up on you, didn’t it? I bet you haven’t even stocked up on beer and brauts yet. Well, you better start planning cause it’s the biggest game of the year. Honestly, there are so many teams that go years without seeing each other in the regular season, but the Colts and Patriots somehow seem to meet three times a year. Coincidence? I think not. The Pats-Colts match-up is the new NFC Championship game from the Nineties. PK is psyched! In fact, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t wearing pants during his interview with Tom Brady. The only thing I garnered from this interview was that Tom and Peyton (That’s a fucking girl’s name!) inexplicably don’t hate each other, and that Rodney Harrison told Tom he thinks this is a big game. I’m sure more was said, but I was distracted by PK leaning in like an awkward schoolboy for the whole interview. Tom pretended not to noticed and spurned King’s affections. Other things King touches on after the Superbowl pre-game coverage:
Curtis Martin is cut.
Faulk is cut.
The OC will appeal the ridiculous fine the NFL gave him for wearing The OC on his jersey before Sunday’s game against AWL WINS.

BTW, I know that Curtis Martin and Marshall Faul were not actually cut, PK really just said they would both probably never play again. I was just trying to be Homer Simpson funny, so fuck you and your TIVO for thinking about trying to correct my comic genius!

Are we done yet? Seriously, go take a whiz and grab a snack, because I’m looking at my notes and I was apparently way too thorough this week.

Tampa @ vaGiants
Tiki Barber gets his second SIS in a row because INFL can’t lay off the hot brother on brother action. You “grow that brand” Tiki! If you don’t think HBO is going to offer Tiki a job on HBOs answer to The View next year you are on the whacky tobaccy. There’s their mom. Ther’s Tiki’s kid. There’s the Bucs getting their asses handed to them. I gotta say, though, Tiki and Ronde have a lot of charisma and are far more entertaining and likeable than the Mannings, Hasslebecks, and Ryans. It makes me hate them that much more.

Retard Face-off! And Worthless is mediating this week.
So Chrissy is going to throw out a name, and Marinara and Crarter are supposed to say whether the team should “stay the course(STC)” or “throw the bum out(TBO).” Very insensitive to the homeless on this show. Where’s the ACLU when you need them?

Denny Green?
Crater -STC. No shit?
Marinara-STC Why not? The season’s over anyway, and it’s apparently the O’line’s fault, which Green apparently as nothing to do with.

People! Stop picking Arizona to stop sucking. They will never stop sucking!

Nick Saban?
Crarter-STC
Marinara-STC He needs time.

Sorry Dan, time is a commodity in today’s NFL.

So they immediately stray away from the whole STC or TBC angle and Chrissy asks the guys who the most overrated player is? Crarter says Charles Woodson and I think that’s not a bad pick. Then Dan hems and haws because he hates the question, but inexplicably picks Chad Johnson when his hand is forced. Chad Johnson? The OC himself? You crazy, Dan. You crazy. Chrissy quietly says Robert Gallery while he thinks no one is paying attention, but I heard you. And I curse you once again for making me admit you are the smartest person on this show these days.

Back to the STC-TBO crap. Big Gay Ben?
Marinara-STC. And he is indignant because he used to be a white QB.
The Quiet Steven A.-TBO Bring in Batch and-Dan strangles him to death.

Carr? And I can’t even believe they’d consider it. Even with his bad game against the Titans, he’s rocking a 94+ QB rating. He is not the problem with that team.
Marinara-TBO But Dan thinks he is. I think Dan just likes the name Sage.
Crater-STC Crarter chooses to use his Free Smart Card here.

Leftwich?
Marinara-TBO
Crater-TBO
Neither of them seem all that sure and I’ll tell you why. Because neither option is all that compelling. Freaking Jacksonville. What will they do this week?

Huard?
Marinara- Here, Dan desperately tries to dodge the question by somehow forgetting what segment they’ve been doing for five minutes now, and says that the decision is up to Edwards. When pressed he goes with Green, so I guess that would be TBO?
Crarter-Also TBO
Me-TBO as well. I think I’d rather face Green too.

Colts @ Denver
Talk about match-ups! On one hand you have perhaps the most overrated defense ever and the most Jake Plummer QB ever. On the other side. A super iffy defense and the best regular season QB in history. Too bad for Denver, the Colts have more than one receiver. Talk about a curve ball. Better luck next time Donkey fuckers!

Patriots @ Vikes
Wow, Super Efficient Computer Brad Johnson, was that guy open enough for you? Too bad he was on the other team. Enough said.

The three ex-footballers all pick the Patriots to win this weekend’s Superbowl, with Collinsworth calling for a blowout at that. Nice. Bob “Look at me, I’m a funny clown!” Costas picks the Colts because, in his own words, “For no other reason than I like variety.” You’re an ass Costas, and it’s not at all cute because you are totally looking your age these days.

Seahawks @ Chiefs
Seneca Wallace has the most ridiculous pump fake I’ve ever seen, and I’m starting to understand why he threw so many INTs in college. The Chiefs don’t, though, because they let this game be a lot closer than it had any business being. 3 of the best 4 players weren’t playing, but Larry Johnson was, and that was the difference.

Worthless thinks the Hawks are pretty crappy right now but they will probably make the playoffs based on their easy schedule. He then goes on to be the only one in the bunch to pick the Chiefs over the Rams this week. Fuck you, Chrissy. If you get that one right, I’ll use your given name, untainted, all next week, because you were pretty good today, and you’ve almost earned it.

Say Something, the new segment, survives for a second week and I love it cause it signals the end of the show.
Costas- If the Cards don’t beat the Lions in two weeks they will not win another game. So? What’s wrong with 1-15, Bob? Lot’s of teams have gone 1-15. Fucking jerk.
Maria- Was wrong about the Steelers still being in it. Wow, total acceptance in less than an hour. You’re a quick healer, Dan. On the inside.
Crarter- The Titans need to discipline PacMan or the NFL should step in. I’m assuming that the show was taped before Fisher suspended PacMan, but Crarter could be talking about the video game. It’s hard to be sure.
Worthless- When will Philly realize they need to go out and get an actual running back? I’ll field this one. Never. Sorry, but it’s that easy.

And we are done. Here’s some more Aishwarya Rai for you. Cause she’s hot. Hope you like hot Indian girls in pajamas!